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Phil looked up from his laptop, blinking up at his best friend. Dan was standing right in front of him. He was looking down at Phil, his eyes big and imploring.
“Phil,” he said, extending his arms a little. He didn’t have to say anything else. Phil knew exactly what that particular tone of voice meant. He wanted to sigh, because, really, Dan was just interrupting a very important wikipedia research on the mating rituals of ants. But he also didn’t want to give Dan the wrong impression.
Instead, he just put his laptop on one of the unpacked boxes beside the couch and unfolded his legs from underneath himself. He extended his own arms and smiled up at Dan.
Dan didn’t miss a beat and flung himself into Phil’s arms, burrowing his head into his chest.
Dan’s cuddling fits had become more frequent since they moved into their new apartment. It slowed them down immensely. They had hardly unpacked any of their stuff except for the essentials. Phil had wanted to point this out more than one time; he had actually almost lost his temper when Dan clung to his neck like it was a lifeline even though Phil had been in the middle of unpacking his clothes.
They never talked about the cuddling. Dan never really asked for it. He just gave Phil that very particular look; his brown eyes big and pleading, shying away from looking directly at Phil, and his arms extended ever so slightly. Phil always thought that Dan looked like a child during these moments, asking for something that he wasn’t sure he was actually allowed to have.
The first time it happened, they hadn’t even been living together. Phil was living in Manchester, alone, in a small flat that Dan had already spent more time in than in his own dormitory. They had both sat on Phil’s couch, watching some shitty action movie. Phil couldn’t even remember which one. He had been thoroughly bored by it, and hadn’t tried to hide the occasional yawn. Dan hadn’t seemed all too keen on it either, but for some reason they kept on watching, their eyes glued to the telly.
Then, suddenly, Phil felt Dan’s hand touch his arm. Phil had started, whipping his head around. Dan had hooked his arms around Phil’s, the side of his head resting against Phil’s shoulder. He had still been looking at the telly, completely ignoring Phil’s wild stare at him. If it had been even possible, he looked calmer than before, his eyes drooping slightly.
Of course, Phil had freaked out a little. He hadn’t registered anything else from the movie. He had starred at the telly, sitting awkwardly stiff on the couch, thinking of the best way to let Dan down gently without losing his friendship. Because, clinging to someone in such a way, in a semi-dark room, while watching a shitty movie, surely meant that they were coming unto you…weren’t they?
Phil had still been fretting when the credits were rolling up the screen. When he had felt Dan shift next to him his only frantic thought had been Oh god he’s coming unto me! , and his lips were already forming the words I really like you Dan, but not in that way.
“Well that movie was stupid,” Dan had said, jumping off the sofa and flicking on the light. The sudden brightness of the room had Phil blinking up at Dan. He had known his confusion was blatant on his face, but it had seemed that Dan had chosen to ignore it. He had just stood there, his hands in his jeans pocket, tapping his foot on the floor.
“Coffee?” he had asked.
“Yes,” Phil had said. He hadn’t felt able to say anything else. Dan had shot over to the kitchen unit and started rummaging through the cupboards.
They hadn’t talked about it.
They hadn’t talked about it when it happened a second time, with Dan resting his head on Phil’s shoulder while they were watching an anime.
They hadn’t talked about it when it happened a third and fourth time; when it happened so often that Phil lost count.
They hadn’t talked about it when Phil started to reciprocate, putting his arm around Dan and holding him tight.
They hadn’t talked about it when Dan actually came into Phil’s room with that very particular look in his eyes, and Phil had known him long enough to know that Dan really needed this.
And that was the reason why they were currently curled up on the sofa. Dan had his face burrowed in Phil’s chest, his arms flung around Phil and holding on tight. Phil had his arms around Dan’s back, his chin resting on top of Dan’s head.
Over time, Phil had noticed that Dan usually seemed unsettled when he came to ask for a hug. His breathing was uneven, and there was one time when Phil could have sworn that Dan was trembling. Most of the time, though, Phil noticed that Dan was sad. Phil never knew why, because he never asked. Dan, on the other hand, never offered any explanation, and maybe that was just the way he needed it. Phil was happy to notice that as soon as Dan was safely wrapped in his arms, his breathing evened out, and he became much calmer. After all those years of friendship, the least Phil could do was offer Dan the comfort he needed.
Although, he had to admit that he didn’t mind it that much. After he realised that Dan really didn’t have more in mind than friendship, he started to relax and actually enjoyed their cuddles. They had both been out of luck dating-wise; somehow Phil never realised how difficult dating was as an adult, especially when your job didn’t involve any actual human interaction. He had been without a girlfriend for way too many years – it was embarrassing. When he got used to Dan’s cuddling-fits it was only then that he realised how much he had missed human contact. Phil guessed that it wasn’t all that different for Dan. Maybe that was why he didn’t want to talk about it.
Phil absentmindedly rubbed his hands over Dan’s back. Before he could think on his current situation some more, Dan had disentangled himself, leaning back on the sofa next to Phil.
Phil blinked, missing the warmth against his chest. Dan had pulled his mobile out of his pocket, scrolling through one of his feeds. Phil turned around to grab his laptop.
They didn’t say anything to each other. They actually ignored each other until Phil’s stomach made a very distinct grumbling sound, and they decided to order pizza.
*
The days had gone by with both being mostly occupied by unpacking their stuff. Phil had, however, insisted on squeezing in a live show. He had made Dan join him, threatening to mess up Dan’s newly organised sock drawer. Dan liked his socks to be organised, even though they were all black and Phil couldn’t tell one from the other.
So Dan had relented, and they did have a great time chatting with their audience. Afterwards, Phil had felt so cheered up that he went up to the kitchen and started unpacking utensils and crockery. He had decided that they should stop living off take away right that night.
When they had first looked at the flat Phil hadn’t been all too sure about the kitchen; it was located so awkwardly between the living room and the dining room that he thought it would be impossible for him to get food from one room to the other without spilling at least half of it and ruining the carpet. But Dan had been reasonable about this; their new kitchen was bigger than the old one, and they could easily fit another small table in there. Plus, it would be much more fun to make Halloween or Easter baking videos there, as this kitchen offered more space to fit an actual tripod and a soft box in there.
It was still a gloomy place, with just one tiny window in the corner. The light shining through didn’t even reach the whole room. It was still more eerie during the night, but Phil was cheerfully humming the theme tune of Yuri on Ice while peering into the boxes strewn across the floor.
“Phil?”
Phil turned around and saw Dan standing in the doorframe. He looked awkwardly at the floor, his arms slightly extended from his body.
Phil really should have known. It still annoyed him that Dan chose this exact moment. He really did want to get a move on with their unpacking.
His annoyance must have shown on his face when he extended his left arm. Dan had looked up from the floor, and his gaze changed from somewhat hopeful to ashamed. He still walk over to Phil, but he just rested his head heavily on Phil’s shoulder, his arms dangling useless at his sides.
Phil immediately felt sorry, and he wrapped his left arm around Dan, giving him a reassuring pat on the back.
They stayed like this for a while. Phil angled his head to rest his cheek on Dan’s head. His hair smelt faintly of mint and marshmallows. Phil suddenly wondered whether they had any snacks left in one of their many boxes. He really could do with some mini marshmallows now.
“Is this weird?”
Phil almost jumped when Dan spoke up. He raised his head, but Dan didn’t look up at him.
“What?”
“I mean this,” Dan made a swishing motion with his arms, a motion which seemed to indicate everything and nothing, Phil wasn’t sure.
“What do you mean?”
Dan gave a heavy sigh, like Phil was the most daft person in the whole wide world, but he still didn’t look up.
“Oh, you mean, err, this?” Phil made an awkward gesture between the two. Of course Dan meant the cuddling thing. It just didn’t make sense that out of all the moments Dan could have chosen to talk about this, after all those years, he decided that now was the right time.
Phil’s cheeks turned pink. He had, quite frankly, hoped that they wouldn’t have to talk about this at all. He didn’t really know what there was to talk about. They were just two best friends who liked to share a hug from time to time. There was nothing weird about this.
“Well, err, not really,” Dan said. Phil’s brows furrowed.
“Then what do you mean?”
Dan didn’t immediately answer. He squirmed slightly under Phil’s arm.
“I mean, is it weird that we still live together?”
Phil’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “What? No!” he said. “Where did that come from?”
Dan mumbled something in response that Phil couldn’t hear.
“What did you say?”
Dan took a deep breath before he said, “There was this comment on your live show-“
“Dan!”
Phil gave Dan a slap on the shoulder. Dan winced and stepped back, finally looking up at Phil. He rubbed at the sore spot, looking deeply offended. Phil didn’t really care.
“What was that for?”
“That was for being an idiot,” Phil said tartly.
“You don’t even know what that comment said!”
Phil just crossed his arms in front of him and raised a challenging eyebrow. Dan pouted at him, still rubbing at his shoulder.
Then Dan faltered, letting his hand fall to his side.
“It said something along the lines, ‘Wow, you still live together do you even have girlfriends or what?’”
Dan wouldn’t meet Phil’s eyes as he said that.
Phil deflated when he heard this. He totally understood what Dan meant. Then again, he still didn’t think that any of this was weird. And he still thought that Dan spent way too much time overthinking that one comment that might question his life choices, or the ones that were downright hateful. Or the ones that made crude remarks on their relationship.
Phil gave Dan a calculating look. They were both standing in the kitchen in the middle of the night, and Dan looked so uncomfortable, Phil thought he might actually bolt out of the room any second.
He sighed. “How many times have I told you that those comments don’t matter?”
“Way too many.”
“Exactly. So just forget about it, okay?”
Phil thought that this was enough to solve the problem. Dan, however, was biting his lower lip, and his brows were furrowed. Dan had done this more than one time in the past. This time, though, something seemed to have hit bull’s eye in Dan’s mind. Phil had to try something else.
“Do you want a girlfriend? Then I think you should reconsider going on tindr. It’s not that bad, you know.”
Phil was surprised to find his voice sounding strange and somewhat hollow to his own ears.
Of course he didn’t mind Dan getting a girlfriend. Hell, he was wondering why out of all people he was still single. And sometimes he thought that maybe someone at Dan’s side would be good for him.
But somehow Phil had also always thought that what the two of them had was already enough. It was more than enough for him.
This realisation came so suddenly Phil thought it should have crushed down on him like a ton of bricks. But for some reason, he wasn’t surprised. Not at all. This was just how he had felt for quite some time. This was just what he had known, somewhere in the back of his mind, for even longer. This was just the first time he had formed the sentiment into a coherent thought.
So Phil wasn’t surprised. But it did scare him. Especially when it looked like Dan may get someone who could fill Phil’s current position more easily.
But then, Dan looked at Phil like he just suggested deleting both of their channels and spending the rest of their lives as monks in the mountains of Tibet.
“I don’t want a girlfriend!” he said, his eyes wide like saucers. “And I don’t want a boyfriend, for that matter.”
Phil felt the knot that had been forming in his stomach loosen. He knew he shouldn’t be that happy about this revelation, but he was.
“Me neither,” he said, hoping that his relief wasn’t too obvious on his face. “Then what’s the problem?”
Dan was opening his mouth to say something, but Phil didn’t let that happen.
“This,” he said, stepping forward and pulling Dan roughly into a hug, “is not weird. Not if it doesn’t feel like it.”
Dan was grumbling something into Phil’s shoulder, waving his arms around frantically to get away from Phil to retort something, but Phil wouldn’t budge.
Eventually, Dan resigned. He brought up his arms to fold them loosely around Phil’s waist.
“Okay,” he said, his voice muffled by the fabric of Phil’s t-shirt. Phil smiled triumphantly into Dan’s hair.
They stayed like this for a while. Phil felt unusually happy and content. He could have stayed like this for a while longer, but of course Dan had to ruin the mood.
“So the cuddling thing is not weird for you?”
Phil sighed, then loosened his grip on Dan.
“Have you even listened to me?”
All the bite he had wanted to put into the next sentence was all but gone when he saw Dan’s face as he stepped back to look up at Phil, his arms still around his waist.
After a pause, Phil said, “No. Not at all.”
The corners of Dan’s mouth involuntarily jumped up, and Phil watched how Dan tried to fight down the grin that was threatening to spread all across his face. Phil didn’t bother to hide his and gave Dan his goofiest smile.
Dan huffed a laugh at Phil’s silly smile and stepped back for good, both their arms falling to their sides.
“You hungry?” Dan asked.
“Famished,” Phil said. “And I crave marshmallows.”