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This started out as a reflection on Lynn Zubernis’ essay in Family Don’t End With Blood #FDEWB. I'll eventually get back to that...
I can identify with some aspects of Lynn’s “journey.” As an adult, only taking on “serious pursuits” like work, grad school, being a mom – who of us hasn’t felt like we gave up life in order to make a living? I never gave up my love of sci-fi and fantasy from childhood, but I also never considered myself a “fan”-atical enthusiast except for maybe X-Files – but I think that’s only because I had a crush on Fox Mulder’s brain.
Since 2006 I’ve been on the edges of fandom. My husband is an avid Star Wars devotee and joined the official SW Costuming groups the 501st Legion (Vader’s Fist) and Rebel Legion 11 years ago. To this day I kind of regret teaching him how to sew! I jokingly refer to myself as a bigamist (but maybe polygamist is the more correct term?) because not only am I married to my husband, but also to Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, a rebel fleet trooper, Captain Rex, Count Dooku, and a shore trooper. PLUS, Han Solo has been hibernating in carbonite IN MY BASEMENT for at least 2 years. I’ve lost track. All I know is that it startles me every time I go downstairs to do the laundry.
I didn’t discover Supernatural in its infancy. I was busy working and raising two kids and trying to be an involved parent and supportive wife. As my girls got older, I would see them watching this or that, and as often as not, if they DID land on Supernatural, I made them change the channel due to scary things – yes. I monitored what my kids consumed through the boob tube up until they were teens.
Fast forward to 2016 and my oldest daughter is getting ready to graduate from high school and move away to college. My youngest asked if I wanted to watch t.v. after school with her. I said, “Anything but anime.” She curled her lip at me Elvis-style (I certainly can’t do that so she must get that talent from her dad) and selected an episode of Supernatural. She was 13 and I was teasing her when I commented on how cute Dean was. She looked right at me and said, “I know, right? But that ass though!” I nearly died!
Dean's butt is NOT what got me hooked on the show. In fact, it was several months later, after returning home from taking my oldest across the country to college. I did NOT expect to miss her so much. Moms may understand this – I spent 18 YEARS with her. She’s a tough kid – grew up playing soccer, being a big sister, shouldering all the expectations an oldest child must because that’s the way it is. We were not friends and I think she liked hanging out with her dad better (hey, when you can tell your friends that Darth Vader is your dad…), but we bonded through music and fought over wearing a dress or a tux to prom. And I watched her grow into an intelligent leader and champion for the homeless, for LGBTQ students, and for band geeks! But she couldn’t WAIT to go away for college and I understood that, having felt the same way 22 years earlier. And I’ll say it again: I did not expect to miss her so much!
Having trouble sleeping, I went to the basement and started searching for something to distract me. Fall of 2016. The new sci-fi show Timeless had just started airing on NBC. I was enthralled! I knew everything about it – actors, background, producer. Ah ha! Eric Kripke…I wondered what else he had done. (I am convinced my own curious nature will be the death of me.)
Thank goodness for IMDB? Somehow, I made the discovery that Kripke had created Supernatural. Check Netflix and Holy Shit! There’s 11 – count ‘em – 11 seasons?!?!
“Self,” I said, “let’s start from the beginning and maybe take your mind off of Sabrina.” I think I re-defined the term “binge-watching.” And when I wasn’t watching the show, I was trying to find and listen to the music, plowing through academic databases to find articles about the show, following folks on Twitter, searching for clips on Youtube. Oh my Chuck – then I saw Jensen singing in a video from a con.
Wait a minute? Supernatural has its own conventions?!? Now, you couldn’t drag me to any of the Star Wars Celebrations – 3 of which my kids and hubby all attended and I was fine with that. But, all of the sudden I found myself wanting to go to a convention. It seemed I finally found my own fandom! No longer did I have to be a “501st widow.” Because, to be honest, I like Star Wars, and even attended local comic cons, but I NEVER GOT IT. I didn’t understand what satisfaction my husband got out of his SW obsession…until I became engrossed in Supernatural and the SPNFamily.
Full disclosure: I said I re-defined “binge watching.” I think that’s a true statement. I watched 11 complete seasons in less than a month. I went to work during the day and watched the series at night – sometimes all night. No, you’re quite right to be alarmed! Not the healthiest way to deal – or not deal – with what I was feeling as a tremendous loss. And all I could tell myself about missing my kid was, “I am NOT taking a pill for this.” And here I have to apologize for my antiquated attitude towards mental health - at least in regards to how I view my own ability to deal with life. I have seen dramatic turn-arounds in friends and family alike thanks to the wonders of modern chemistry and compassionate mental healthcare professionals. But when it comes to my own well-being, I am of the opinion that I should, can, and will be able to handle whatever happens without Big Pharma. Yeah, bullheadedness can be its own challenge. Oddly enough, I have nothing against allergy medications. Hmmm...
So, one may ask, “what are your coping skills?”
Music – first and foremost playing piano, then listening/ singing, trying to learn a new instrument
Reading – fiction – Tom Clancy novels, sci-fi, fantasy, King Arthur, “here be dragons”
Research/ work – “librarian” really should be a superpower!
Red wines – learn ‘em, love ‘em, live ‘em
An ability to tune out and tune in – become absorbed in something else to avoid/put off dealing with NOW -- this really comes in handy on motorcycle rides when you can’t afford distractions – other drivers are distracted enough!
So, yeah, there I was letting the trials and tribulations of fictional characters take my mind off of my problems. Literally tuning out and tuning in. When Sam and Dean had success – survived another day – so did I. Being one myself, I sympathized with Dean's "oldest sibling syndome". If Sam was researching something, so did I, and I learned symbols and bit and pieces of Latin - sometimes at 3AM. As I watched season after season, it got easier to breathe. Then I found #SPNFamily on Twitter and that completely changed how I viewed the show.
Finding #SPNFamily lead to reading more fanfiction. Don’t judge! I made some connections with authors. Then decided I wanted to try writing a gap analysis of all the academic literature revolving around the show. It’s in progress. And the music! That’s a whole other story. Let’s just say I got tix to see Kansas as a Mother’s Day gift and you already KNOW what the encore song was. Then there was a call for poetry submissions to an SPN-themed anthology!
“Self!”, I said. “You haven’t written anything creative in years! THIS could be a turning point. Take your Supernatural experience and distill it to less than 50 lines.” And with some help from a published academic, I submitted three works for consideration. Eight drafts and WEEKS. OF. WORK. later, I cried in relief when the piece that was most important to me was accepted for publication.
I’m currently on my fifth consecutive re-watching of the entire series on Netflix. I’ve read Family Don’t End With Blood twice through now. As a fandom newbie, I recognize that Supernatural has positively affected – dare I say SAVED - others who have experienced far more trauma and tragedy in their lives. Yet, I am 100% certain that within the #SPNFamily, my story will be heard, understood, and met with an abundance of love, and empathy, and support. Chuck knows I’m grateful to have found the Winchesters and consequently, Jared and Jensen and the rest. It has become a symbiotic relationship in that they give of themselves to fans and we take it and in return, give back something of ourselves not only to the cast but to each other. Because of this, I know no matter how far away she goes, though I will always miss her, I can Carry On.