Chapter Text
When he woke up, Simon was shaking. He had had another nightmare. Will Camille stop haunting his dreams? Knowing he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, he decided to leave his bed. He needed to take his mind off things, so he started to walk randomly in the Dumort’s corridors.
“Nightmares?” asked a familiar voice.
Simon turned around and was face to face with Raphael Santiago. He nodded, not trusting his voice to answer. He hated it. He hated being weak in front of Raphael, so he looked down, afraid to see the disappointment in the elder’s eyes.
“Don’t worry fledgling, it won’t last.” The clan leader said in a smooth voice, Simon didn’t know he could use.
“It scares me,” he confessed.
“I know.”
They locked eyes and contrary to Simon’s thoughts, Raphael seemed to be worried.
“You need to sleep.” The vampire said with a frown. “You’re paler than usual. Did you feed correctly?”
“Yes. And I can’t sleep. I don’t want to. I don’t want to see Camille again, neither my mom nor my sister.” While talking, Simon felt his eyes watering.
Raphael sighed before taking Simon’s hand in his own. Simon’s breath hitched, he hadn’t expected this gesture. The elder led him to his room quietly. When they arrived, the fledgling’s jaw almost dropped. It was the first time he ever came into this room. The bed was bigger than his own and there was a piano near the closed window, which explained the music he sometimes heard. So, Raphael was the one who sang when the clan was sleeping. He returned to reality when he felt the vampire caressing his hand. Raphael led him to the bed so that Simon could rest a little and sat near him. They stared at each other almost a minute without talking.
“You won’t sleep with your eyes open, you know?” Raphael said with a smirk.
Simon bit his lips nervously. Great, he just humiliated himself in front of him (again).
“Sorry.” He mumbled. Raphael shook his head and started stroking Simon’s hair.
“You know, Camille has been imprisoned thanks to Magnus, she can’t escape. Your family is safe now. You have nothing to worry about baby, I’m here. I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I promise.” With those words, Simon relaxed. He loved it when Raphael called him ‘baby’. It brought back those feelings in his chest, those which made him think that he’s still alive.
“Thank you.” He murmured while closing his eyes.
It didn’t take long before he fell asleep.
When he opened his eyes, Simon froze. He remembered falling asleep in Raphael’s bed, but not with the vampire next to him. He couldn’t help himself but compare him to Aurora, in the sleeping beauty. He looked dead, as he wasn’t breathing, but at the same time, he seemed so peaceful like her. He seemed younger and happier, so different from the grumpy vampire he was the rest of the day.
“Could you please stop staring at me?” asked the not-so-asleep boy.
Simon jumped at the sound. He had been 99% sure that Raphael was asleep.
“I thought you were dead.” He said nervously.
“I’m already dead. So are you.” Raphael stated.
“Yeah, but you look different when you’re sleeping. You look like a kid, not the old man you are when you’re awake.”
“That’s so nice of you to say.” The elder said sarcastically. He finally opened his eyes to meet Simon’s.
“Did you sleep well?”
“Better,” Simon answered with a smile.
“Great.” Raphael stretched and left his bed in a swift move.
“Wait a minute!” Simon exclaimed when he saw what Raphael was wearing. “You slept without your suit?”
“Of course, idiota. What were you thinking?”
“Well, it’s weird to see you like that. I never imagine you wearing sweatpants. You look like a teenager!”
“I get it.” the elder sighted. “I’m an old man.”
“No! It’s not that. It’s just… surprising. It’s like watching Doctor Who and seeing the Doctor without his costume. It’s...”
“Please, shut up.” Raphael cut him.
“Ah! See? Now you put your ‘death glare’ on and you look like an old man.” Simon pointed at his eyes.
“I preferred it when you were sleeping.” The elder said with a small smile.
“Why?” The fledgling asked offended.
“You were less annoying. You were quiet, and it was unbelievable for someone like you. You looked like a peaceful teenager, not the creepy nerd you are.”
“That’s so mean.” Simon protested, crossing his arms.
“That’s the truth.”
“I’m not creepy.” Simon pouted.
“Yes, you are.” Raphael smiled, he went to his closet and picked some clothes.
“No, I’m not.”
“I don’t have time to play this game.” Said the clan leader with an eye roll. “I have things to do, you can stay if you want, I’ll be back in a few hours.” With that, he left the room, a suit in his hands.
The following night, Simon woke up again, this time he was crying. He sat on his bed abruptly, remembering what had happened. He had dreamt of Raphael. Well, it was more like a nightmare than a lovely dream. It made him realized that lots of things were strange about the elder like his intentions. Raphael had been so kind to him when he came back in the clan, even though he had betrayed them. He still felt guilty because he was responsible for two vampires’ death. When he heard, someone coming, Simon quickly wiped his tears away.
“Are you okay baby?” asked Raphael, he seemed tired.
Simon didn’t respond. He knew the Spanish boy had heard him cry. But why did he come? He thought about his dream and the things Raphael had told him. He knew it wasn’t real, but it could have been. Maybe Raphael was using him.
“You want to talk about it?” Raphael asked to ensure his fledgling was alright.
Simon sniffled.
“Why are you like this with me? You always made me feel like I was worthless. You said I meant nothing to you. Why do you call me ‘baby’ now? Why do you come to my room when I can’t sleep? Are you using me?” Raphael opened his mouth to protest but, before he could, he was cut by Simon. “You need me against the Shadowhunters, don’t you? I’m not blind; I know you want something, even if I can’t figure what.”
“I care about you, Simon. When I said you meant nothing, I was trying to protect you.” Raphael said coldly. “How dare you think I’m using you? I trusted you even though you betrayed me, you betrayed the clan. You should be a little thankful and start trusting me as I do. I’ve been more than tolerant with your Shadowhunters friends and your red-haired girlfriend to make you feel at home here. I wasn’t expecting anything in return. Dios. I came because I wanted to help you.” He said with a shrug. “I won’t bother you anymore.” He concluded before leaving the room angrily.
“Wait! Where are you going?” Simon asked. “Our conversation isn’t finished yet.”
“It is and I’m leaving fledgling. You should call your ‘friends’, tell them that I’m plotting against them or some shit you’re okay with.” He said casually as if he was saying what they were eating for dinner, it was disturbing.
“Why are you acting like this?” The younger questioned desperately.
“What are you expecting me to say?” Raphael asked angrily. “I’m your clan leader. I’ve been here for you since the day you were turned not like your girlfriend. I-” he said while pointing a finger at himself, “I offered you a home. I welcomed you with open arms in the clan. I trained you! I fed you! Taking care of you was part of my job. I was younger than you when I’ve been turned and I know how hard it is to accept our condition. Now, if you think I’m using you, you don’t know me at all. Why is it always like this? Why am I… Why am I the-” he sighed. “I’m not the psycho you think I am. Now if you don’t have anything to add, I have more important things to do, I have a clan to take care of.” With his hands clenched into fists, Raphael exited the room.
Simon too shocked to say anything, watched him leave. His words echoed in his head. He was talking in the past. Was it over? Did Raphael just banish him from the clan (again)? He stood up and went to Raphael’s room, the door was closed so he knocked. Nobody responded.
“Raphael?” he asked. “I’m sorry Raph. I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just… I-I don’t know… I was afraid.” He confessed. “You know I keep having those nightmares in which I lose all the people I care about. Tonight, it was you. I just-I got scared okay? Could you answer me please?” He waited for a few seconds and knocked on the door again. “I… I’m talking to a door. That’s great!” Simon sat in front of the door frustrated.
He waited a long time on the floor, not wanting to leave before Raphael open the door. He wanted to talk to him, to apologize. He waited an hour maybe more. It was the first time he’s been so quiet.
Suddenly, he heard someone walking in his direction, he looked up and met Raphael’s eyes. If he was now in front of him, nobody was in his room so he really had been talking to a door. He stood up clumsily.
“What are you doing here?” The clan leader asked in a neutral tone.
“I’m here to apologize. I didn’t want to upset nor hurting you.”
“Okay. Can you move now? I want to enter my bedroom.” He responded with the ‘leave before I punch you in the face!’ glare.
“Not before you forgive me.”
“Fledgling, I won’t say it again. Get out of my way.” He growled.
“Why are you so mad?” Simon asked while taking Raphael’s hand.
“Don’t touch me!” The elder said while pushing Simon away.
“Then talk to me!” Simon pleaded.
“!Déjame en paz!”
Judging by the tone of his voice, it was an insult or something close to it. He had no idea. He didn’t speak Spanish after all. Simon wanted to scream. He wanted Raphael’s forgiveness even if he didn’t know why he was so upset. His vision was blurry. When he looked in the vampire’s eyes, he saw angriness. Raphael blinked and broke eyes contact.
“Lo siento.” He murmured. Before entering his room and closing the door.
Simon stood frozen in front of the room. He never saw Raphael like this before. He had been so angry for nothing, it made Simon’s heart ache. He opened the door quietly and entered the room. Raphael was at his desk, his head in his hands. The fledgling gulped and closed the door.
“Rapha?” He tried.
“Leave me alone Simon. I don’t want to see you right now.”
“Can we talk?” the younger asked hopefully.
“Are you deaf? Didn’t you hear what I’ve just said?” He shot him a dirty look.
“I did. But I don’t want to. Not before you-“
“Get out!” Raphael repeated in a pleading tone.
“Rapha-“
In a second, Simon found himself pinned against the door. Raphael had one forearm against Simon’s throat, his other hand clenched into a fist, ready to beat him.
“I said leave me alone Lewis!” Raphael growled. Simon nodded and when he felt all the pressure leaving his body, he ran to his own room. He closed the door behind him and started to cry. Raphael had been ready to punch him in the face, ready to fight him, to hurt him. He tried to call Clary, but as usual, she didn’t pick up, probably on a mission or too busy with Jace. He went to his bed and hid under the covers, like a child.
Raphael sighted at Simon’s departure. His life was a mess. They had accepted Simon back after his betrayal because he was their baby and everybody loved him. But, he had met Isabelle and he had fed on her. He had drunk angel blood and he needed more. However, Magnus’ words echoed in his head. He had thought he was in love with Isabelle because he was high at that moment, he was only addicted to her blood. He was angry at her and at himself. He shouldn’t have compelled to her will, he should never have tasted her blood. He was needy and because of that, he tended to get angry for nothing. Every time he did something for the shadowhunters or Simon he only got hatred and accusations in return. He didn’t like the way Simon had talked to him, the way he had accused him when he was only trying to protect him and to reassure him. The thing which hurt him the most was that he knew he felt something for him, something different than what he thought was going on between him and Isabelle, it was pure and false hope. He was in love with Simon and no matter how angry he was with him, he will always be here for him even though he will always end up alone...