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It hurts to breathe. The air is thick with ash and debris, and it cuts the insides of Hawke's nose when she inhales. Her muscles are sore from this last skirmish, and templar bodies lay dead around her. Because she killed them. The elf, Orsino, has ran off to the Gallows to join his charges. Maker, she hopes he gets there in time. She doesn't even know what the Rite of Annulment entails, but Meredith's rasping, poisonous voice gives her a general idea. "If you can't give me another option, do not brand me a tyrant!" she had said, painting herself the true victim, as though they haven't been giving her options this whole time. It was pointless to try and argue with her, but Hawke feels that she still should have. Her fists quiver just thinking about it. Her stomach burns with adrenaline. If she could only get her hands around Meredith's neck, she'd...
Fenris is gone. It hurts; Hawke liked him a lot. But she supposes some things can't be reconciled.
She takes another painful breath, and approaches Anders, her darling boy. His face rests on his fists, blood beading up on his palms where his nails dig into the skin.
"Hey," she says softly. She's trying to think of what to say, afraid she will start crying. After seven years, she might actually start crying!
Anders doesn't reply. She manages to scoot him over and sits down next to him. She reaches out for his wrist and pulls it away from his face. "Hey." She opens his fist and considers the open wounds.
When he speaks, it's quiet and shaking. "There's nothing you can say that I haven't already told myself." The despair in his eyes is gut-wrenching.
He wants her to set him free.
Hawke can feel their friends' eyes on them, and she's furiously aware of what's going through their minds. Her head swims. "I wish you had told me."
"I couldn't. I couldn't let you help me."
"Why?" Hawke can feel her voice rising, and she has to push it down. "Have I ever given you the impression that this wasn't something I wanted to do? All those nights spent holding you...not knowing what was wrong, how to help... Anders, I--you and Justice didn't need to shoulder this alone!"
"I couldn't take that chance. All of Thedas needs to see that the Circles are an injustice. And if that means paying with my life, then so be it." His eyes lift up to the knives at her waist, and her stomach sinks further. What is it like, to be at peace with his martyrdom? Maybe he has always been at peace. She can see on his face the two sides of him warring. Justice demands they die for the cause if need be; Anders holds out hope that he might be allowed to live.
"Anders." She squeezes his hand in hers, and he winces. "Don't you ever ask that of me again. Do you understand me? We're going to finish what we started."
"You mean..."
"I love you, is what I mean. This--" and here her voice falters, "changes nothing." Except for that she's terrified. For him, for herself, for Kirkwall and their friends who didn't ask to be involved with this, and for the mages who will be blamed because no one believed in them from the beginning. Something like love or compassion could have nipped this all in the bud, so love is what will have to put an end to this. And rage. And justice. But mostly love.
"Get up," she tells him. "We've got to go back to the Gallows."
Anders had told Hawke once about how Justice came into this world. It wasn't as though Anders went looking for a Fade spirit to meld with. Somehow Justice was stuck here. Hawke admits she doesn't know what else could have been done. She isn't a mage like he or his old Warden Commander are. She wishes she could have known Anders before Justice, even though Anders says he thinks she wouldn't have liked him. Hawke isn't so sure. But Isabela was right. Bringing an Idea into a world as messy as theirs was a misguided action. A decision that was greater than all of them.
Hawke pulls Anders up and brings him back to where their friends wait. He doesn't look any of them in the eye. Only Merrill looks somewhat ready to accept him back into the fold, even with how badly he's treated her. Hawke tries to assure them that everything is going to work out. If their friendship hadn't been tested before, well... She leads them back down to the docks to find a ship.
She likes to think Father would be proud of her. And Bethy. They were behind this from the very beginning.
She misses them the most in times like these.