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Sam stood numbly when Steve announced his departure from the Avengers.
After Thanos happened and the government saw fit to reinstate the formerly defunct Avengers, including those who were stripped of their titles, they had started making rumblings about coming together again permanently as a more cohesive team. A team that could withstand disagreements without coming to blows. They were hopeful about how things could pan out between all of them.
Then Steve dropped the bombshell.
“What do you mean you’re out,” Tony asked, giving Steve an indecipherable look.
They weren’t 100% better. They probably weren’t even 50% there. Still, they had joined forces for the latest massive threat, and fighting something greater had a way of helping people set aside their differences and even force them to air their grievances out for the betterment of everyone involved.
Sam didn’t know what Steve and Tony talked about, just that they had had a very long conversation. Stark didn’t acknowledge Bucky’s presence at all, and Sam saw him seldom address Steve beyond the issues at hand, but Sam didn’t peg Steve the type to run away, and he doubted he would from a little awkwardness with Stark. So, he was just as shocked and confused as everyone else was.
“I think it’s time that I step down as the captain of this team. Past events have proven that I... I haven’t always had the best judgment, and I’m not so full of myself that I think my qualities are one-of-a-kind. We saw someone else who could be a great leader. The team would be lucky to have Colonel Danvers. I think that I should focus on more... personal issues for the moment,” he explained, glancing around the room at large, his eyes meeting Sam’s briefly.
“Steve...” Natasha started but trailed off as she looked at her friend’s resolute face.
Steve shook his head with a sad smile.
“I’m compromised, Nat. This is what’s best for everyone.”
Natasha took that explanation without question and nodded in response.
Others didn’t take it so readily, Wanda being the most vocal as they all began throwing questions and reassurances at the blonde. Sam barely heard them, having drowned them and Steve’s counterarguments out.
He didn’t even know he was walking away until someone called out to him. He turned around and saw the room of fellow heroes staring at him. He met Steve’s eyes again for only a moment. He was staring at him with an imploring, stricken gaze. Sam didn’t know why. He didn’t want to know why anyway. He turned and walked away.
~*~*~
He didn’t even know why it bothered him so much.
Was it because Steve hadn’t told him beforehand? There were tons of things Steve didn’t tell him, and just as many things Sam didn’t tell Steve. It wasn’t necessary to know every intricate detail of the other’s life to care about them. But this wasn’t a small thing, and it felt like it was out of left field.
On the other hand, Steve had mentioned his growing battle fatigue and had been getting more and more existential about his life, his legacy, and his choices. Sam just thought it was about Bucky, as he assumed most things were for Steve, but in all of the snippets of conversations around the Avengers Complex about Steve’s decision, he didn’t hear Bucky brought up in the thought process.
Was it because Sam could understand? He knew what it was like to just not want to fight anymore. He felt it after Riley died. The war started to weigh on him in a way that made leaving his barracks seem like a gargantuan task. It eventually led to his discharge. He could understand Steve feeling that way. Tons of veterans felt that at one time or another. Sam has counselled many on managing that feeling and not letting it consume them. It hasn’t destroyed Sam, he learned to balance himself. However, he could always bet on Steve fighting. It was kind of his thing. Not fighting was basically death for him, he didn’t know how not to. So, the fact that it was his decision to step down felt wrong in a way to Sam. But hell, what did he know?
Of course, if he talked to Steve about it, he might get a better understanding of his decision, but Sam hadn’t spoken to him in the three days since he made the announcement.
He knew Steve had already talked to Colonel Danvers about joining the Avengers in a leadership role, and she agreed with the condition that some of her friends join as well. He had already scheduled the press conference for publicly announcing his resignation and had been fielding multiple conversations with other Avengers who either didn’t agree with his decision or didn’t understand, but Sam wasn’t one of them.
It felt strange.
He and Steve spent so much time together over the last five years. They’d spent nearly every day of the last two together and, admittedly, Sam probably got in a little too deep. He always harbored affection towards Steve, but the last two years had made that turn into a prominent crush that quickly blossomed into love. Sam held it at bay because there was Sharon, and then Bucky was awake, and then Steve needed to get himself together, and during that time Sam met a man in Wakanda who he liked. By the time that was over, Thanos was knocking at Earth’s door. And now this. Steve was done with the Avengers, going off to do God knows what in who knows where. He was just going to leave them all behind.
If he were honest, he was angry. He didn’t even know specifically what he was mad about. The healthy thing to do would be to find the source and face the facts, whatever they were, but he knew that if he talked to Steve, he would probably just end up being extremely unfair to him about everything for reasons he couldn’t even articulate. At the same time, he didn’t want to let the anger go. Steve had an annoying talent of calming Sam when he was in his more tumultuous moods, and he didn’t want to be quelled right then. The counselor side of him said he was using the anger as a screen for deeper feelings. The best thing for him, in the long run, would just be facing it.
But then that would be the sensible thing to do, and Sam didn’t want to do that.
~*~*~
The Complex was thrown into a state of flux the closer it got to Steve leaving. Tony insisted on micromanaging everything, helping Steve to get his meager belongings moved and arranging his transport to wherever he was going. Sam only knew this thanks to overhearing conversations between Natasha and Wanda, but he would tune most of whatever was talked about out or just leave the room. Sam didn’t want to be in the know, he didn’t want to know where Steve was going.
He wasn’t completely clueless. He couldn’t be. He knew that Wanda was sad to see Steve go. Natasha was accepting and understanding. Tony was harder to pin down, half the jokes he made about it in good jest and the other half in scorn. Sam figured Bucky was lost more than anything else on the matter. He didn’t know what the other man planned to do once Steve was gone since he wasn’t going with him. Sam figured he’d stick by Natasha’s side, glean guidance from her. They’d gotten close over the years.
For all that, Sam had no idea how Steve felt about this because he still hadn’t interacted with him. He couldn’t avoid him forever, the Complex was only so big, and the team got together for meals at least once a day. Everyone would joke about what Steve could do once he was no longer Captain America and was simply Steve Rogers from Brooklyn. Olympian was thrown around, firefighter, artist, boxer. Sam would feel a pang in his chest at the conversations, his mind going back to their chat at the VA when he asked what made Steve happy. He wondered if the prospect of leaving, of starting a new life away from all this craziness, from all of them, made him feel happy if not hopeful.
If he were any kind of friend, he’d know the answer to that question. He wouldn’t avoid the other man for reasons that weren’t even fully realized. He would be able to look at Steve, talk to him, enjoy their last days together for the foreseeable future. As it was, during these mealtimes he would keep to himself, only speaking sparingly and in general terms or specifically to Wanda, Natasha, Rhodey, or Scott but never Steve.
He wasn’t so lost in himself that he thought his behavior would go unnoticed. He could feel Steve staring at him sometimes, could feel his presence lingering at Sam’s open bedroom door. Sam would pretend not to notice him, and Steve ultimately didn’t approach him or try to force a conversation that Sam didn’t want to have. The others saw it too. Tony and Vision didn’t bring it up anymore when Sam was present. Neither did Clint when he skyped them alongside Laura and the kids. Natasha kept giving him looks that said she knew what he was doing even if Sam himself didn’t. Wanda did too, possibly having rooted through his mind without his permission, or he was just that transparent. Scott would try to talk to him about Steve leaving, and so would Bucky, but both were shot down, Bucky relenting a lot easier than Scott would. Ultimately, it was Rhodey who struck the most decisive blow to Sam’s armor.
They were all in the sitting room exchanging stories and alcohol, never mind Steve and Bucky couldn’t get drunk genetically and Natasha couldn’t probably just from sheer force of will and extensive training. Sam only had two glasses of whatever was being passed around, but he felt a healthy buzz beneath his skin, and it allowed him to crack a smile while listening to Tony’s over the top and slightly disgusting stories about his youth in college.
“Oh please, Tony’s making this out like he was the ladies’ man of the campus. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Remember Tamara Sidibeh,” Rhodey said, cutting through one of Tony’s lewder anecdotes.
Tony’s face went slightly paler at the name.
“Don’t you dare.”
“So, Tony just turned 18 and could actually date people on campus—”
“Legally anyway,” Stark interjected. Rhodey continued like he hadn’t spoken.
“There was this girl in our Econ class, Tamara. She was a foreign exchange student from the Gambia, and she was gorgeous. Drop-dead gorgeous. Tony had the hugest crush on her. I’m talking colossal. Trip-over-his-feet-when-she-passed huge.”
“I didn’t trip because of her, the tile was loose,” Tony mumbled under his breath, causing murmurs of disbelief.
“Anyway, they had a project together, and somehow in that, they became friends. He dated some other people, and so did she, so I thought the whole crush was over and done with. Then she told him she was going to be leaving, transferring from MIT to another school. Tony, big boy that he is, what’s his response? He starts to ignore her. Not subtly either. He’d literally walk past her in the middle of a sentence. Real mature, right,” Rhodey said, knocking his elbow against Sam as he sat beside him. Sam glanced at the man. There was a gleam in his eyes, something knowing. Sam didn’t roll his eyes or show that he knew what Rhodey was trying to do, he just gave the man a genial smile and sipped on his drink.
“So, finally, she gets pissed and corners him. He was so damn emotionally stunted at the time that she had to physically stop him from running away from her to avoid the conversation. Your kind of girl, huh,” Rhodey says, directing the rhetorical question in Steve and Bucky’s direction, who sat across from them. Sam was under no illusions that it wasn’t mostly for Steve, who probably knew that too.
“Now, Tamara had a damn good way with words. She could trick you into saying the sky was pink and you’d half believe it too. She was leagues smarter than this one.”
Tony put on a slightly dopey smile, one he usually only got when talking about Pepper.
“She was.”
“She managed to get him to spill the beans that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t want her to go. Turned out she had feelings for him too. To this day, it still amazes me how two people could be so smart and so stupid at the same time.”
Sam could see Rhodey glance at him from the corner of his eye.
“Never does cease to floor me.”
Most everyone was drunk, so they didn’t really notice the heat of Rhodey’s look at him. Sam averted his gaze, and anyone who did see, i.e. Bucky or Natasha, had learned to just leave him be and not press him.
The conversation continued after that, but Sam started to feel like he was under a microscope. Rhodey kept glancing over at him like he could force Sam to do something with his mind, and his wasn’t the only eyes on him. Sam wasn’t afraid to look, he just didn’t want to bother. His eyes didn’t cooperate with him, and he ended up glancing up and subsequently getting stuck in Steve’s gaze.
Sam hadn’t looked at him, really looked at him, in nearly a week. There was something heavy about him. Sam couldn’t pinpoint it, not with the distance he’d put between them, but Steve’s eyes were as blue and soulful as they ever were, and they were on Sam full force. Sam felt heat creeping up his neck, a slightly uncomfortable sensation as he shifted his gaze away from Steve only to catch Natasha’s eyes instead. She was giving him another one of her looks, a look that said, ‘I know something you don’t want me to know, and I’m going to judge you for it until you do what I want you to do’. Sam sighed and shook his head before abruptly standing up.
“I’m heading off to sleep,” he explained when all eyes turned to him. It took everything in him not to squirm under their gazes. It felt like they all knew, and he was the butt of some tragic joke.
‘It still amazes me how two people could be so smart and so stupid at the same time.’
Sam didn’t want to be the moral of a short story.
“It’s early. Are you feeling ill,” Wanda asked him, her speech slightly slurred. Sam ignored how dangerous it was to have her, of all people, be drunk, and quickly came up with an excuse.
“Just a little headache,” he said. It wasn’t a complete lie; his head was genuinely starting to throb.
“I’m just going to turn in,” he continued.
He turned to leave, but Steve’s voice stopped him in his tracks.
“I’ll walk you upstairs.”
He turned back to him, his mind racing for excuses.
“It’s fine, really. I’m not going to faint or anything,” Sam protested, trying to maintain an unaffected tone.
“Still, it would make me feel better,” Steve continued, approaching him. Sam felt his skin thrumming with nervousness. He hadn’t been this close to Steve in a while, and the others were still looking.
“Fine, whatever,” he said, not wanting to make the situation awkward.
He turned on his heel, heading towards the staircase, not wanting to be in an enclosed space like an elevator with him. He took the stairs as quickly as he could, trying not to inwardly jump at the sound of Steve’s feet hitting the ground just behind him. When they reached his floor, he made a beeline for his room.
“Thanks. Goodnight,” he said briskly, barely glancing back at Steve as he tried to quickly get inside and close the door, but Steve stopped him before he could.
“Actually, can I come in?” He asked.
“I’m really tired,” Sam answered, willing him to just go away.
“Yeah, I get it. This won’t take long, I promise,” Steve replied.
His tone was even, but there was an imploring undertone that made Sam feel guilty. Steve would be gone soon. What were a few minutes of a conversation gonna hurt at this point? Sam stepped aside and allowed Steve entry to his room as the building’s A.I. turned the light on low. Sam walked further into the room, putting some distance between them.
“What’s up,” he asked Steve, turning towards him, his arms crossed over his chest. He knew his stance was a protective one, defensive, but he didn’t drop his hands even with that knowledge.
“I’ve been swamped lately, getting everything together to leave. It’s been kind of a mess, so I figured you were just giving me some space, but after a couple days of you basically stonewalling me, I realized you’ve been avoiding me.”
Sam didn’t bother wasting the energy it would take to lie and instead just stared at the wall beyond Steve’s head. The blonde nodded as if confirming the truth to himself.
“Can I ask why?”
Steve sounded like he was genuinely hurt.
“Why does it matter? You don’t need me. Tony’s helping you move. Natasha’s got contacts to help you get yourself started out wherever you want. Wanda’s got a good eye for interior design so she could give you some tips. Vision can materialize basically anything you want. Rhodey can buy you an expensive going away present, Scott can steal one for you, and you’ve got Bucky’s blessing. What do you need me for?”
“What do I need— you’re my friend. Or I thought you were,” Steve replied, giving him a look of disbelief, which Sam ignored.
“And as your friend, I’m happy for you. You get to get out, you get to leave this all behind. You’re gonna have this great new life. A new job. New friends. Maybe you’ll even meet someone you like, and that’s good. You deserve to be happy.”
“Why do you say it like that?”
“What like what?”
“’ You get to get out’. What is that supposed to mean? Why do you say it like I’m the only one with a choice here? Why are you implying that I’m just going to leave everyone behind and forget you ever existed so I can forge my new life in places unknown?”
“Aren’t you? Isn’t that the point,” Sam countered.
“What?”
“You don’t want to fight anymore, but you don’t have the self-restraint to hang it up and still be around us all the time, your savior complex will be too much for you to bear, so you have to leave. Or is it just the clusterfuck with Tony and Bucky you helped create that you’re running from?”
Steve drew back at that like he’d been slapped.
“See? This is why I didn’t want to talk to you. Because I knew that would happen. I knew I would say something like that, and then you would give me that kicked puppy look, and I’d be left feeling like an asshole.”
“You’re managing it alright on your own.”
Sam chuckled humorlessly, rubbing his hands across his face. He was sure he’d be ripping his hair out if it was long enough.
“Steve, you’re getting what you want. You can leave us all behind, and none of us is going to hold it against you. What more do you want, huh? What do you want from me?”
Sam watched Steve open and close his mouth a few times before a sad smile crossed his lips.
“I don’t think you’ll believe me if I tell you.”
Sam shrugged tiredly in response.
“Try me.”
“You.”
“What about me?”
“That’s what I want. I want you.”
That response gave Sam pause. It was probably the last thing he’d been expecting.
“That’s not funny.”
“I’m not joking.”
“Steve, what—”
“Just hear me out.”
Sam crossed his arms over his chest again, watching Steve as he took a deep breath before launching into his explanation.
“I can be pretty slow when it comes to this stuff, relationships, and… I’m always too late, but I’m not blind, and I’m not crazy. I know something was going on between us in Wakanda. I know I wasn’t just making everything up in my head. I… I know my feelings for you go beyond friendship, and I know you feel that way too. At the time, I didn’t want to rush you into anything. With things being what they were with Sharon and Bucky, I didn’t think you would trust me in a relationship yet, but I can’t stay here. I can’t be Captain America anymore, Sam. I am just… I’m tired. I’m all fought out. I can’t do the rousing speeches and the press briefings and the casualties anymore. Thanos…” Steve trailed off there, looking down as he cleared his throat.
Sam knew that there were things that were going to haunt them for the rest of their lives. Thanos’ destruction was one of those things.
“I will always be grateful and proud of the lives that we’ve saved, and I don’t go back on what I said about the Accords, even after him, but I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know me, Sam. That day you asked me what makes me happy, I couldn’t answer because I don’t know the person staring back at me in the mirror enough to answer that question. I never got a chance to know me. All I know I can do anymore is be a soldier and take a punch because I never got to be anything else. I can’t stay here, but I don’t want to go without you.”
Sam stared wide-eyed at Steve as he approached him and slipped his hands against his cheek.
“You could pick a place, any place in the world, and we can go. Right now. Together. Anywhere you want, anything you want. No matter what I learn about myself along the way, I don’t want to lose you. Come with me?”
Sam was dumbfounded. He wasn’t expecting any of this. He’d felt their relationship shifting too, and perhaps Steve was right. Maybe he wouldn’t have trusted him in a relationship after what he’d seen, but could he even trust him now? Of course, he trusted Steve, but could he trust him with his heart? He looked down, turning over every word Steve had said in his head as he tried to come up with an answer.
“Sam?”
His eyes flicked over to Steve. He was staring at him imploringly with this broken look in his wet eyes. Sam’s answer became more and more evident as the seconds went on.
“No.”
“What?”
“No, I can’t go with you.”
He was certain he saw the exact second Steve’s heart broke as his hands slid from Sam’s face.
“Oh,” the blonde breathed out. He took a step back, but Sam grabbed his hand to stop him.
“Don’t go,” Sam said quietly before nodding to the bed.
Steve let him pull him over to the mattress, and the two sat on the edge of the bed. They were quiet for a long moment before Sam sighed and reached over for Steve’s hand.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to—”
Sam waved him off.
“Your turn to hear me out.”
Steve nodded after a moment and gave Sam his attention.
“You’re not crazy. Something was growing between us. I just wanted to give you time to figure everything out, and then I was in a relationship, and then Thanos happened, so there just didn’t seem to be a time where we could sit down and talk about anything. But I know that my feelings for you go beyond friendship too. Hell, I’m pretty confident saying I’m in love with you.”
Sam could see the shock that colored Steve’s face and then confusion.
“I didn’t want you to go. I was angry that you were leaving but, listening to everything you said, I realized that you’re not as put together as I thought. And maybe I’m not either. I didn’t exactly handle the prospect of you leaving in the healthiest way. I think we both need some time to figure our shit out, get ourselves together. If we jump into a relationship before we’re ready to, we’ll just end up crashing and burning. I think we deserve more of a chance than that.”
Steve looked like he wanted to protest but ultimately nodded his head.
“You’re right. I know you are. I haven’t gone for an extended period-of-time without you since I met you. I... I’m gonna miss you,” Steve confessed, wearing his lip with his teeth.
Sam smiled at him, the smile growing tremulous as he felt tears burning his eyes.
“I’m gonna miss you too. C’ mere.”
Sam held out his arms, and Steve immediately fell into them, returning the hug with a fierce grip that was just that side of too tight.
“Hey, this isn’t goodbye forever. Just until we learn how to deal with our shit without being such idiots about it,” Sam reassured him as he felt Steve’s shoulders shaking a little. Steve nodded against him and pulled back slightly. Sam met his wet eyes, their faces still close to each other’s.
“Can I...?” Steve trailed off quizzically.
Sam nodded after a moment.
Steve’s lips were soft as they pressed against his and slightly salty from the few stray tears that had fallen down his cheeks. The kiss didn’t last long, it wasn’t a hungry thing, but it was chaste and sweet and made Sam’s heart thud almost painfully. They pulled back after a moment, Steve’s forehead pressing against his. They stayed like that for a long while before Steve pressed one more feather-light kiss to Sam’s lips and then stood up, making his way towards Sam’s bedroom door.
“I’ll see you?” Steve said, almost as a question.
Sam nodded in response.
“Yeah, I’ll see you.”
Steve nodded before making his way out of the room reluctantly. Sam heaved a deep breath as he heard the elevator doors open, a few stray tears falling down his cheeks. He felt heavy, but at the same time, he felt light. It was a contradictory feeling, but he didn’t know how else to describe it.
He knew he had made the right decision letting Steve go.
~*~*~
Sam was nervous as he walked down the hall with Natasha, hoping to God they had the right apartment. The place was a newer building in the east side of Maryland. It was a nice area, city-oriented but still quiet at times. He could see why Steve picked it. He paused once he found his way in front of apartment 6T.
“I don’t hear anything,” Sam commented, glancing at Natasha.
“Music’s low. Steve’s neighbor has an autistic son,” Natasha said.
It was Steve’s birthday, and Natasha had dragged Sam from holiday festivities with his family in New Orleans to Maryland for Steve’s party, thrown by his new friends.
Natasha didn’t really have to drag him. He would’ve come anyway but he was feeling a little anxious.
He didn’t know why he was this nervous. It wasn’t like he and Steve had adopted complete radio silence once he left, they had talked on the phone and texted, but they hadn’t video chatted. Neither was ready at the time, but Natasha decided Sam would be Steve’s present so she could show up Bucky.
Sam fiddled with his bowtie as Natasha knocked on the door. She convinced him to wear it after he refused the giant cake and oversized ribbon.
Sam felt his heart leap into his throat as the door swung open, but he relaxed a little when he saw it wasn’t Steve who answered but Wanda along with a Korean woman.
“You made it,” Wanda said happily, pulling both Natasha and Sam into a hug. Wanda had gotten impatient and left a week early to see Steve. It had been 8 months since they last saw him and Sam knew she missed him terribly.
“You guys, this is Mija, Steve’s co-worker. She’s the hostess for the party. Mija, this is Natasha and Sam.”
Mija’s eyes immediately locked on Sam, her face turning up with delight and curiosity.
“So you’re the famous Sam? I have to admit the way Steve talked about you, I didn’t think someone so perfect actually existed.”
Sam could feel himself begin blushing and was glad no one else would notice.
“I don’t know what he said, but I’m sure he exaggerated.”
“Maybe, maybe not. He’ll be glad to see you. He thought you couldn’t make it. He’s in the kitchen, just go straight back.”
Sam smiled at the woman before following Natasha inside. It was a decent-sized apartment with an open concept. The furniture had been pushed away to make a dancefloor for the 40 people inside. Sam spotted Scott, Hope, Tony, Rhodey, Pepper, Sharon, Maria, Carol, and Monica in the crowd of who he assumed were Steve’s co-workers, neighbors, and friends. They filled the apartment with warmth and joyful buzzing. The kitchen was ensconced behind a wall, and Natasha made him stop just behind it.
“Hey Rogers, Happy 101st. Aging like fine wine, I see,” she said teasingly.
“You’re so funny,” he replied sarcastically.
Sam felt his heart leap again, hearing him so close and not on the other end of a receiver.
“What does one even get a centenarian for their birthday,” she mused aloud.
“I said no presents.”
“Sorry, you’re not the captain anymore. You can’t make orders.”
He could tell Steve rolled his eyes then.
“As the only fellow centenarian here, I think I’m the authority on gifts here,” he heard Bucky say.
“I wouldn’t be so sure. You can come now.”
Sam took a deep breath and walked around the corner with a light, open smile on his face.
“Hey,” he said simply.
He watched Steve’s face turn up in shock and then delight. He opened his mouth to say something, but Bucky beat him to the punch.
“Oh come on, that’s cheating,” the brunette protested, staring at Natasha.
“It’s not cheating. I’m just better than you. It’s okay to admit it. You see, as Steve’s best friend, I go the extra mile to pull strings for him. I even wrapped him up and everything,” Natasha said, her voice full of self-satisfaction as she fiddled with the bowtie she imposed on Sam.
Steve rolled his eyes at her antics.
“They have this stupid competition,” he explained to Sam, who was slightly confused and bewildered.
“A competition which would be over if you just said which one of us is your best friend.”
Sam looked between the two with an amused grin before meeting Steve’s eyes. They were lighter than when he’d last seen them, happier.
“If you guys really want to know, Sam’s my best friend.”
Sam laughed as the two of them groaned in response. His heart quickened again as Steve approached him, but it settled as he smiled widely at him.
“Hi,” Steve said quietly.
“Hi.”
“You said that already.”
“Yeah,” Sam replied, smiling back at Steve.
He heard the other two groan again.
“Ugh.”
“Such dorks.”
Sam laughed again, but his eyes didn’t leave Steve. He knew they still had things to talk about, but he also knew that this could be the beginning he’d wanted for a while now.