Work Text:
Tick tock.
My head is numb.
Tick tock.
My throat is so sore i can hardly swallow.
Tick tock.
The stale air i’m breathing is soffocating.
I open my eyes. I can’t believe there’s a book about karate in a doctor’s waiting room. Maybe after all they have pity on people that really don’t give a fuck about who’s having an affair with who in the celebrity world. Even if probably all the old ladies here really don’t have much more to care about beside the fact that they’re well, dying. But since i’ve just came to life i don’t think i should be worrying about that now, so i pick up the book and decide to see if i can learn how to do chops or whatever. Right then a door opens and bangs on the wall. Startled i look up and see a boy around my age storming out of one of the offices. His face is scrunched in rage, he’s probably trying not to cry. Taehyung can’t make any more assumptions because he is already out of the waiting room, loudly descending the stairs that lead to the first floor. But right now he can’t really bring himself to care, it’s his turn.
I try not to throw up at the sudden dread clawing at my throat, the idea of having to come out of the house and face life suddendly seems unbearable. Even if sudden isn’t really the right word since it keeps happening almost every morning. Thank God i managed to only puke once. I felt so fucking disgusting, so weak. The ringing in my ears didn’t seem to ever want to stop.I get out the bathroom and sit on the edge of the bed, trying to even my breath, Gotta get out of here.
Strolling through the park Taehyung saw him again. Sitting on a swing, barely pushing, gaze set on nothing. He decided to approach him. Something deep inside him is telling him to do so. While getting closer he observed him, the way his soft brown hair fell on his eyebrow , hiding them,the concentrated but vacant look in his eyes, his teeth vaguely resembling the ones of a rodent. Not in a bad way though, he was still handsome, still growing in his body. Once he got there he plopped in the other swing and decided to break ice with an enthusiastic :« hey psycho boy, how you doin’ ? » The other slowly set his eyes on him, staring like he wanted to set his soul on fire. If that’s even a thing. The big grin fell off his face, but he didn’t relent.:« Since you don’t like the nickname i gave you you should tell me your name» . The other kid returned to looking in the distance, while kicking little stones in front of him. After a few bits of mutual silence the other muttered softly, under his breath: « Jungkook» .« what did you say?» . A bit louder he repeated: « Jungkook» . A smile returned to the boy's face and he said : «Not that difficult wasn’i it? » .
Taehyung is drowning. He manages to come up for a fleeting moment, reaching for air. He takes a breath,but it breaks in the middle of it, and he’s dragged down again, a vague sense of betrayal mixing with the fear.
Taehyung and Jungkook are laying on the latter’s bed,facing each other, whispering about everything and nothing.They’re so close Tae feels like he should be able to feel the other’s breath on his face,but somehow he can’t. Jungkook is saying something about how he can’t seem to be able to pick up girls.« but you’re so handsome!!! And you always walk around like you own the place, you’re a faker then!!!». The smile on Kookie’s face turns sour:« it’s just that i don’t know what someone could find in me to be appealing. When someone sees me from outside,like you said it’s all just feigned confidence, a mask to protect myself ».« that sounds like something i would say» . « well i guess there’s a little bit of you in me» .
Taehyung is choking. He can feel familiar hands holding tight around his throat, known voices are whispering reassuring things in his ear. Don’t believedontfallforityouneedtogetaway.
Today they decided that a bit of fresh air could be good to both of them, so now they’re sitting side by side,talking like always,their knees barely a few millimetres away. For once it’s Taehyung who’s leading the conversation, the other is just studying his face, and Tae can feel that he’s long lost his attention, and just when he turns the other’s way after having pointing out a nest on one of the oaks framing the meadow they’re in,he finds Jungkook’s face near his,his eyes trained on his lips.Since he isn’t moving, the younger seems to take it as an encoragement and leans closer, but just as he’s about to close the distance Taehyung murmurs : « be careful my Kookie, even hills have eyes.» -
Sometimes i ask myself who i really am. Is it possible to define a human being after all? it might be though. For me, it would probably be something along the lines of “ that kid you hear your parents whisper about, pity and shame lacing their voices”.
You watch him from afar. It’s weird to see him laughing so brigthly with others, looking so carefree and young, like he belongs in the world that’s been modelled after him. But you’re no fool. You can see it, you’re not terribly oblivious, so convinced that everythings alright, all is fine, to notice how his cheeks got hollower, the bruises under his eyes, how his jaw is tense. Tae would love to hold him tight, to swipe his thumb over one of his now jutting hipbones. He wants to own his soul, and never give anything in return.
There are black marks around his neck. I want to ask what happened to him, but i just can't bring myself to open my mouth. Uncounsciously, my hands reach up to the signs. I stop when it hits me, that we never actually touched before. A sort of twisted excitement is now mixed with the outrage at the thought of someone hurting my Jungkook. Kindly, i put my hands on him. The bruises fit perfectly the shape of my fingers, and just like that, everything becomes white.
I really didn't mean for it to happen. He had warned me, that if i kept on neglecting it, the dissociating would get much worse, I lost my temper on him, lashed out but i didn't listen, oh no. Because in the end, i've created the only thing that brought solace to me. But what was the point? It's gone anyway. Taehyung was never really there.