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Uni is...overwhelming, to say the least. Dan walks in through the doors of his uni hall on his first day , miles away from home, finally independent, free. There's that light feeling in his chest that comes from the freedom and he feels like he’s walking on air. But then there's also that bit of self doubt, fear in the back of his mind. Fear that he's made the wrong decision, that he can’t do this, that he's not old enough yet and he has to go back to his parents' house and tell them that they were right, he can't handle himself yet. To be honest, he thinks he can handle himself. He’s 18 now, he’s spent time away from his home before. He can do this, the whole living alone thing. He's the one who wanted to live by himself the first year after all, for that quintessential uni experience despite Phil insisting he stay with Phil.
The halls are so, so much bigger than where he went to sixth form and there are so, so many more people. The room’s already half full by the time he takes a seat at the front. Everyone's
talking to each other and there's that crippling anxiety of making a good first
impression. He doesn't necessarily think that he's a lame or boring person and
everyone will hate him, but God, he’s so awkward. He looks around to see all
his classmates and thinks he should at least try to socialise a bit. He will be here for a while, after all. He looks around and there’s only one guy who’s not looking at his phone or
laughing with his friends. The guy has bright brown eyes similar to his, brown
mop of hair and a gentle smile on his face. This guy can be his first target, he decides.
“It’s the first day,” Dan says as he walks up to him, huffing out a laugh, “And the professor’s already
late.”
The guy stares at Dan for a bit. He looks a bit confused at first, then amused.
“Yeah, I guess,” The guy says with an amused smile.
Dan feels a bit awkward but brushes it off and goes back to his seat. He realises his mistake as soon as another flurry of students rush in and the guy walks up to the desk at the front of the
room and introduces himself as Mr. Blake. Dan facepalms. Of course he’d tell his professor of all the people that the was professor was late to his first class.
An hour later, Dan is halfway through his second lecture of the day and since the incident with his Mr. Blake he’s tried to interact with four people and he’s accidentally winked at
one of them while elbowing another in the boob when they came up to introduce themselves
(He still doesn’t know how he managed to do both at once). The other two interactions hadn’t gone too well either.
He's still got two lectures left to attend and although he could just leave he feels too awkward to not attend the first classes and he feels so, so trapped. He looks around to see all the unfamiliar faces one more time and suddenly he feels the overwhelming urge to just break down on the floor and sob for ten hours. He vaguely registers the lecturer droning on about how uni is nothing like sixth form and it’s going to be so much harder to pass all his classes if he doesn’t pay attention and attend most of them.
He just wants to go home. He'd taken a gap year and had spent all his time doing whatever he wanted and now all of a sudden he's being forced to sit through hours of lectures about law and God , why did he think
law was a good fit for him!? He’s already at a loss with what the professors are talking about and this is only the first day. He curses himself for staying up until 3 am the night before because his tired state is definitely not helping him right now.
Before he knows it he’s standing up and walking out the door towards the bathroom. He locks the door behind him once he’s in one of the stalls and puts down the lid to sit with his
face in his hands. He feels a vibration in his pocket and takes it out to see a text from Phil. I know you’re still in class but this guy on the tube just told me I’m a “Sideways Gary”! WHAT IS A SIDEWAYS GARY!?!
Dan hits the call button before he’s even registered what he’s doing. Phil picks up before the second ring’s finished.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in class?” Phil says in a cheery voice.
Dan feels his vision blur with tears as soon as he hears the familiar voice. He can’t bring himself to
huff out a response that isn’t a whimper. He opts for staying quiet.
“Dan?”
“Dan? Are you okay?” Dan feels a dam break inside of him hearing the concern in Phil’s
voice. He feels a tinge of guilt that he ruined Phil’s cheery mood but can’t will himself to dwell on that too much.
“There’s so many people, Phil. There’s so, so many people and I don’t know any of them and I’m so awkward and I still don’t know if I made the right choice coming to uni and I don’t know a single person and-” Dan feels his throat constrict and he’s full on crying now. Phil seems to be taken aback on his sudden breakdown on the other end of the line.
“Bear, hey it’s okay, it’s okay. You’re okay. Where are you right now ?” Phil asks in that soft voice he always uses to comfort Dan.
The softness in Phil’s voice just makes Dan sob harder. He feels so, so overwhelmed by all of it and he doesn’t know if he can do this.
“Dan, love, where are you right now?” Phil asks again.
“Bathroom,” Dan breathes out. “ I just stormed out of the class, Phil! Now everyone’s going to think I’m some moody weirdo that just storms out of classes and doesn’t even bother to have a shred of decency to sit through the first class. The first class, Phil! I couldn’t even make it through one fucking day without having a breakdown how am I going to stay by myself in the dorms, God! ”
“No one’s gonna think that, Dan. Everyone has a hard time on their first day. Everyone else is too busy with what other people are thinking of them to judge you. And the offer to stay with me still stands, bear. You know I’d love to have you stay with me.”
Dan sits up a bit straighter . “No no, Phil I have to do this. I have to prove that I can do this. That I’m not still a kid that can’t do any shit by himself and needs someone to baby him.I-”
Dan hears the bathroom door open and then sees someone’s foot from under the stall. He goes quiet. One of the other stalls open and then there’s some shifting before the door closes
again.
“You’re not, Dan. You can do this, you and I both know that. But you don’t have to strain yourself to prove a point,” Phil tells him on the phone. “You’re smart, bear. You know you are. And you’re funny and wonderful. You just have to give yourself some time to get comfortable. People will love you.”
“Yeah, sure,” Dan says sarcastically.
“They will. And it’s just the first day. I know that there are a lot of people but you’ll know most
people by their faces in a week or two, I promise. It won’t feel half as overwhelming once you’re not surrounded with a room full of complete strangers. You didn’t make a mistake. I know you, Dan. You are mature enough to do this, you can do this. I’m always here for you if it ever gets
too much. There’s no shame in it even if you can’t. Just, give it a few days.”
He listens to Phil’s steady breath on the other on the other end of the line and tries to match it with his own. In, out. In, out. In, out. He hears the person leave and then there’s complete silence again.
“Okay,” Dan says when his breathing has calmed down a bit. “I...okay. It just feels too much right now,”
“I understand.”
A part of Dan wants to ask Phil to pick him up. He wants hugs and cuddles from Phil right now. Lots of cuddles. And Phil. He desperately wants Phil to come here and hold him. The
stubborn part of him makes him stay quiet.
“Do you want me to come pick you up?” Phil asks him . “You can stay over at mine tonight.”
Dan contemplates saying yes immediately. But he also wants to prove he can do this alone and he’s not a kid.
“It’s just tonight. We can order pizza and play Mario Kart. I’ll give you lots of cuddles.” Phil pleads.
Dan hums in agreement. He can’t find it within himself to resist anymore.
“I’m on my way. I’ll be there in 15, bear. ”
“Okay. ” Dan says quietly.
His breath is still hitching from his earlier outburst but he feels a lot better.
He walks out of the bathroom and then out of the front gate and waits for Phil. Phil makes it there in precisely 17 minutes along with a coffee and what seems to be a box of chocolates. Phil hugs him tight as soon as he sees Dan. Dan feels a heavy weight shift off of his shoulders as soon as Phil’s body touches his. He latches onto Phil.
“Hi.” Phil says into his hair. Dan just buries his face into Phil’s neck further.
“Let’s get you home,” Says Phil.
6 hours, two medium pizzas and a lot of ass kicking in Mario Kart later, Dan’s laying in bed pressed up against Phil, Phil’s arms enveloping his entire body.
“Phil?” Dan whispers.
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
Phil presses a kiss to his forehead , then his lips and murmurs, “Anytime.”