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Christmas Eve, 2013
It was a Christmas postcard that started the memories, a picture of Gstaad, Switzerland, on the front and a brief note on the back. It looked alien to him, a photo of a fantasy holiday village draped in pristine snow and illuminated by bright white lights. He'd spent Christmas in many places over the years, even places that looked like this, but they held no special memories, meant nothing to him beyond a faint feeling of unbelonging.
The note was brief, cute, a veiled hint to their history, good wishes for his future, and an unexpected announcement. That brought a warm feeling to the pit of stomach more than any pretty postcard ever could, and the smile on his face when he propped it on the lamp next to the other Christmas cards on the table was genuine.
But it faded as he absently gazed at the cards, not seeing them but seeing what his life was like a year ago, and how close he'd come to losing everything that mattered.
December 28th, 2012
It made no sense. What Danny was telling him, the words that were coming out his mouth, there was just no connection there. No connection to reality.
"So," Danny sighed, head tilted back, narrowed gaze somewhere over Steve's shoulder, "it's done. My, uh, my letter, I emailed it to you. When we're through here, I'm going to call Chin and Kono, let them know."
"Danny." That was it, that was all that came out. It was the only word that could get past the tight constriction in his throat.
"I know." Danny looked straight at him, and suddenly Steve understood that Danny didn't know.
"No." Steve swallowed and leaned his thigh against his desk, fighting off a slight wave of dizziness. "You said you were going to fight."
"I know what I said," Danny snapped. "And I know what you said, about putting Grace in the middle of a situation she doesn't deserve." He shrugged, shoulders straining against the pale yellow fabric of his shirt. "You were right, for once. I'd sacrifice anything for her happiness, you know that." Danny's gaze fell to the floor. "Anything."
And then, because he wanted to feel all the pain at once instead of die by a thousand small cuts, Steve asked,"Does Gabby know?"
Danny's eyes darkened, the muscles in his jaw contracting. "No. You're the first one I've told."
A small mercy in a vast sea of despair.
January 20th, 2013
"You're an idiot."
He didn't need Catherine to tell him that, but it still stung. He looked up from his untouched dinner, a perfectly cooked steak he'd ordered at this fancy restaurant in the hopes that he'd feel something, anything, and shook his head.
"Don't know what you're talking about. Hey, have you talked to my mom lately?"
"Yes, and she thinks you're an idiot, too, and quit trying to change the subject. Steve," she reached across the table and curled her fingers around his palm, "this has to stop. You're not fooling anyone."
He didn't bother to continue the charade that he didn't know what she was talking about. "It's only been a week. I'm just getting used to not having him around, okay?" He attempted a smile and failed. "It'll get better."
She squeezed his hand and released him. "Nice try, but ever since Danny told you he was moving to Las Vegas, you've been mentally AWOL. Listen, your team needs you. You're not the only who's hurting over losing Danny and the way you've been doing your job lately, Kono and Chin are going to lose you, too."
Again, it was useless to argue or put up a fight. But he thought he'd kept it under control, especially in front of Cath, because the last thing he wanted was for her to see the extent of the devastation he carried around inside.
He straightened in his chair and picked up his fork. "I'll try harder. I'll talk to Kono and Chin, make things right with them."
"Steve, look at me."
It took him a few seconds before he could look her in the eye. He was afraid of what he'd reveal when she looked back.
But she was smiling, a little sadly, and there was a telltale glimmer in her dark eyes. "Talk to him."
"I talk to him all the time." That was true, they'd spoken on the phone almost every morning since Danny had moved back to the mainland, Steve trying to be supportive, Danny trying to be positive, both of them failing and refusing to admit it.
"Find out why he left." Catherine leaned back in her chair and picked up her wine glass. "Go to Vegas if you have to, but find out the true reason. It's the only way you two are going to be okay with each other."
Steven rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. She was right, he and Danny weren't okay, but it was his fault--his fault for lying, his fault for letting Danny go.
But there was one thing he could do, and that was to be honest with Catherine now.
"It doesn't matter why Danny left," he said, "but it does matter why I want him to come back."
A single tear slipped down Catherine's cheek and she brushed it away, her smile still in place but trembling around the corners.
"I know."
February 4th, 2013
It was ridiculously easy for Steve to find Danny in Las Vegas, but only because Danny had shared what he was doing with Grace on his days off from the LVPD. Today, Steve knew that they were going to the Natural History Museum. Danny had been less than forthcoming about how Gracie was liking Las Vegas, so Steve was anxious to see her and find out for himself.
He sat in the parking lot, four spaces away from Danny's department-issued Mustang (Danny hated that car, mentioning exactly how much every time they talked) and waited, asking himself for the hundredth time if he was doing the right thing. He was about to show up in Danny's new, uncomfortable world with no idea how he was going to explain his sudden appearance other than revealing a truth that could ruin everything, even a relationship that now only existed long-distance.
They came out of the museum, Danny gesturing with his hands and Grace fiddling with her phone. Steve had to swallow hard--he was sure she was taller now, certainly taller than when they'd said their goodbyes at the airport. Her whispered "'bye, Uncle Steve" mumbled into his shirt where it was damp from her tears had kept him up at nights after shattering what was left of his heart.
Now she was looking up at Danny with her typical expression of adoration mixed with amused patience, watching as her dad went on and on about something. Steve knew he could start the rental car and drive away, and no one would know. He could tell Cath and his mom and Kono and Chin that he and Danny were good, they were great, but he'd already lied to them enough.
He got out of the car and walked a few yards away, right into their line of sight. Grace saw him first, her eyes widening and then her whole face lighting up.
"Uncle Steve!"
He knew what would happen next. Grace checked the traffic (good girl) and then ran into his arms, throwing herself against him and knocking him back a pace. He was ready for her, holding her tight as he looked over her shoulder at Danny, who hadn't moved since Grace's exclamation.
The first thing Steve realized was that Danny looked different and yet exactly the same. Button-down plaid shirt over cutoffs that were slightly more respectable than his surfing shorts. Hair still bright in the harsh desert sunshine, eyes so blue that Steve felt his pulse quicken, a typical response when Danny was around. But there were sharp new lines next to those blue eyes, and a rigidity to his posture that spoke of an unhappiness that Danny wouldn't want anyone to notice.
The next few seconds were a blur. Grace was asking a million questions as Danny crossed the lane, his expression wary, his hands in his pockets and the grim set to his mouth signaling rough waters ahead. It wasn't right--Danny should be happy to see him, not angry. They were still friends, best friends, but right now Danny was looking like he wanted to hit something.
In the end, Steve couldn't wait. He couldn't position this conversation to any advantage, he couldn't wait for the right time, because that time had long since passed. All he could do, with Grace holding tight to his left hand, was to reveal what drove him thousands of miles to this stupid parking lot in a city that Danny hated.
Before Danny could say anything, not even hello or what the hell are you doing here, Steve set free the words he'd been saving for this very moment. And because Steve was finished with hiding, the truth that had been etched onto his soul from the moment Danny had held him at gunpoint in his dad's garage right up until this moment in a Las Vegas parking lot, the dry heat making him lightheaded, the gleam of battle in Danny's eyes and the word "why" formed on Danny's mouth, tumbled out and changed the world.
"I love you, Danny. I want you to come home."
March 18th, 2013
It was Danny who took them to the next level. Those first few minutes in the parking lot almost six weeks earlier had been equal parts joyful and terrifying, as they'd settle for an awkward bro-hug due to both the location and the wide-eyed witness watching from the sidelines. Danny also hadn't returned the words that Steve needed to hear, settling for a smartass remark about thick-headed Navy SEALs with lousy timing that wasn't anything Steve hadn't heard in a thousand variations. Comforting, yes. Satisfying? Not even close.
But later that day, after taking Grace home and with the city at their feet as they sat in Danny's car (he'd handed the keys to Steve without comment) on an overlook point high in the desert hills, the words had come hard for both of them.
Steve tried first, stumbling over his own path of revelations that had brought him to the one conclusion he couldn't avoid. Danny had stared at him, listening for once without interruption until Steve ran out of steam, then launched into a lovingly delivered diatribe that scorched Steve's ears and lifted the heavy weight he'd carried since that moment in his office when Danny said he was leaving. That voice, that tone, those flying hands--Steve couldn't get enough. His one question would have to wait for an answer, because it was just too important right then to reach out, grab a fistful of shirt, and give a swift yank so that there was no space between them. He gave Danny time to take one quick breath and then he kissed him, hard and long, telling Danny without words that Steve's life meant nothing without him, and Danny replying in the same language, silent words that felt like yes and always and of course I will, you big schmuck.
Then came weeks spent rearranging lives, court appointments, revelations and talks and arguments, and ultimately compromises that, short of everyone moving back to Hawaii, remained the best possible outcome. With Grace's kiss of blessing and a fair custody agreement in his pocket, Danny moved back to Hawaii and into a house much like the one he'd left, even though Steve had wanted something entirely different.
But Danny could be scarily intuitive sometimes, and Steve had to admit that they had a lot of stuff to work out. Between Danny's family and Steve's and their own Five-0 ohana, they'd yet to define what being together, in every important sense of the word, was going to mean for the future. Steve had needed to return to Hawaii that night in February due to a court appearance the next day, so they'd parted with only an embrace at McCarran, too many emotions rendering them momentarily mute but stealing none of their strength as they clutched at each other, both men afraid to let go.
Yet when it was done, and Danny stood surrounded by suitcases and a duffel bag in the middle of yet another living room, after Chin and Kono and Doris (Steve didn't remember inviting her) had toasted Danny's return and left, when it was just the two of them, it was Danny who moved first. Danny who pushed Steve against a wall, pressing all his weight against him as if afraid Steve would try and escape. It was Danny's hands on his body, Danny's mouth on his own, and if there was still one question unanswered, Steve was content to wait.
April 29th, 2013
"It makes sense, Steven. Why are you arguing?"
"Mom, I'm not arguing, this just is kind of unexpected, you know?"
"No, I don't, and I'm not sure what you mean by unexpected. Isn't this what you wanted all along?"
Steve started nodding before his mouth could disagree. "Yeah, no, I mean, maybe. But me and Danny, we haven't talked about this."
She rolled her eyes as she pushed past him. "Talk about it tonight, I called him and he's coming over for dinner." She turned at the door and tossed him a folded piece of paper. "And you're cooking, so make it good. I already wrote down what you'll need at the store."
Two hours later, when Danny showed up, the first words out of his mouth were about Doris, because her presence would dictate the course of the evening.
The fact that she was gone encouraged Steve plant a quick kiss on Danny's mouth. "Hello to you, too. And we need to talk."
Two hours after that, Danny was being very quiet. Dinner had been consumed, dishes cleaned up, leftovers put away, and Steve was nervous.
"So let me get this straight," Danny said. They were out on the deck, side by side, watching moonlight dance on the water. "Doris wants me to move into your house."
"Not exactly. I want you to move into my house and make it our house. She's just making it easy."
"Well, I highly doubt that, but as I learned with my previous mother-in-law, it is wiser to respect their opinion and keep my thoughts to myself in their presence."
"So," Steve reached across and slid his palm beneath Danny's, linking their fingers, "what do you think? Great idea, horrible idea--give me a clue here."
Danny was silent, though the tightening grip on Steve's fingers was encouraging. "I think," he said slowly, "I am not averse to the idea. In fact, I like the idea. But..."
"But?"
"We need to ask Grace."
The tension drained out of Steve on a low, relieved whistle. "I can live with that."
May 30th, 2013
"Glad to be back, Monkey?"
"Yeah. Uncle Steve, can Lucy sleep over next week?"
"Of course," Steve answered from the Camaro's driver's seat. "We have plenty of room, we'll see what we can do."
"'kay. Hey, Danno?"
"Yeah, baby?"
"Are you going to marry Uncle Steve now?"
Danny shifted in the seat beside him so he could look back at Grace. "I can't, you know that. Remember, you told me Lucy has dibs on him."
"No, she wants to marry Liam Hemsworth now."
"Who?" Steve muttered out of the corner of his mouth.
"No idea," Danny muttered back. "Classmate, probably. Okay," he continued in a normal tone, "so I guess that means Steve here is back on the market."
Steve nudged him with his elbow. "Stop making me sound like a prized pig at a county fair."
Danny ignored him and continued to speak to Grace. "So, do you think I should? That means you'd be stuck with him, too, you know."
"Yeah, I know. But that's why you came back to Hawaii, right?"
Steve forced himself to relax his hands as they clutched the wheel. Even though this thing, this now very good thing between them had been three years in the making, there were still some subjects they hadn't discussed. And Danny could go either way with this. He was deeply committed to being honest with Grace, they both were, but Danny wasn't above deflecting an uncomfortable conversation if he thought he was unprepared.
And there was no denying the fact that Danny hated being so far from Grace. In terms of actual time spent together, the custody agreement assured that he saw her as much as he did when she lived on the island, but the physical distance was wearing him down. To not have his daughter within driving distance had made all the difference.
Steve coasted to a stop at a red light and kept his gaze straight ahead as he waited for Danny's reply, because Danny loved him, and they both loved Grace, and the situation sucked.
"Yes," Danny said, "that is true. But I wouldn't have come back if your mom and I hadn't been able to make it work, right? As long as it's okay with you, too."
"I want to move back here." The words were plaintive, nothing they hadn't heard before, but harder to hear now that she was back on the island.
Steve looked off to the left, squinting as if he was staring at oncoming traffic when in fact he saw nothing. It was the only downside to loving Danny, the fact that the three of them couldn't be together like a true family more than the custodial agreement allowed. Grace had been vocal (as vocal as a sweet-tempered twelve-year-old who didn't want to hurt her mom's feelings could be) about how much she missed Hawaii since the day she'd left, and Danny had been hard-pressed not to use that to his advantage.
But Danny was scrupulously fair about this as he was in everything else, having been through too many battles to get this far.
"Yeah, Monkey, I know you do, but that's another reason for me to marry Uncle Steve, right? So you can keep coming back to Hawaii. See, it all works out."
It took Steve two tries, but he finally got the words out. "Haven't asked you yet, have I?"
Danny shifted back until he was facing forward again as Steve accelerated through the intersection. "Words are not your strength, you're more of a grunt and hand signals kind of guy."
Steve's mouth tightened, since that was exactly the response he wanted from Danny, but he couldn't give in to the smile just yet. "Oh, like you're a master of communication. Maybe you should ask me and maybe I'll say yes."
"Maybe? Did you just say maybe? Because I'm pretty sure I had you at drop your weapon."
"Yeah, you'd like to think so, wouldn't you. But that's not how I remember it."
"That's because you, my friend, like to indulge in revisionist history."
And so it went, until Grace was giggling, Danny was pretending to sulk, and all was right with Steve's world because somewhere between the smartass remarks, the grousing about his driving, and the general complaints about the weather, Danny said yes.
September 3, 2013
Steve knew it the moment he met Danny at baggage claim. Maybe he'd even known it before Danny did, because Danny had been trying so hard not to come to the same conclusion Steve had reached halfway through Grace's summer vacation.
He arrived just as Danny was pulling his luggage off the belt, so he took the straps out of Danny's hand, set the bag down, and pulled him into a hug. Though Danny's arms wrapped around him instantly, it took a few moments for Danny to relax, and it wasn't just the fatigue of the long flight back from Nevada that had made his muscles so tense.
But Steve waited through a dinner Danny only picked at, waited through the long silences as Danny looked out the car window on the drive home, waited in the darkened living room as Danny paced out on the deck. He knew what was coming.
When Danny came in from the night, bringing the scent of the island breeze on his skin, Steve knew what his own answer would be. He'd always known, from that moment in the Vegas parking lot, what his answer would be.
"I can't do this."
Steve nodded. "I know."
That caught Danny by surprise. "What do you know?"
Getting up from the couch, Steve walked over to Danny and placed his hands on Danny's shoulders. "I know that even though you just spent the summer with Grace, even though you talk to her every day, it's not enough. There's always an ocean between you."
Danny didn't say anything at first, just lowered his head until he was leaning against Steve's shoulder, his hands curving low around Steve's hips. This wasn't an embrace. This was a man at the end of his rope who just needed a safe place to rest.
"This is killing me," Danny muttered.
Eyes misting over, Steve lifted his gaze toward the ceiling and blinked hard. "Doesn't have to."
Danny snapped back and even in the filtered light coming from the bedroom upstairs, Steve could see the flash of anger in his eyes.
"What the hell does that mean?"
Steve almost, almost, smiled, because Danny was just being Danny, bracing for a blow that was never going to come.
"It just means that I've always known that if you had to choose between Grace and me, you'd choose Grace, which is exactly how it should be."
Frowning up at him, Danny seemed to struggle for a response. "What, you're a mind-reading ninja now? You think you know what's going on in my head?"
Steve tried to appear offended, but he was unable to take refuge in their typical banter, since his stomach was full of butterflies at the thought that Danny wouldn't see things as clearly as he did, that Danny would fight him, that Danny would make decisions for Steve's own good--which meant it wouldn't do Steve any good at all.
"As terrifying as that idea is, it doesn't take a mind reader to know how much you hate being so far from Grace."
Danny slumped and turned away, the brief flare of attitude dying quickly. Steve wanted to take him in his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay, but he chose to wait and let Danny work it out.
"I don't know what to do." Danny turned his head and smiled, but it was a half-assed attempt at best.
Spreading his legs and crossing his arms, Steve shook his head. Come on, Danny, get us there.
"Sure you do. If the only place Gracie can be right now is Las Vegas, then that's where you need to be, too."
"Do you know what you're saying? What this means? For us?"
"Yes, Danny, I know exactly what I'm saying. I'm also saying that you don't have to choose."
"Really?" Danny walked away, three precise steps, then turned to face Steve, arms flying from his side. "How do you figure that? My beautiful daughter is three thousand miles away but when I'm there, all I can think about is how much I miss your ugly face. Then when I'm here, all I want to do is be near her. What I need is the two of you, in the same place, at the same friggin' time! Permanently! Is that too much to ask?"
Finally.
"No, Danny, it isn't." Steve let his arms hang loose at his sides and shrugged. "The thing is, you don't have to ask anything."
"Riddles," Danny growled, "I'm tearing my hair out and he's talking in riddles. Look, I'm trying to figure out what to do to make everyone happy and you're not helping."
"Danny, let me ask you a question." Steve paused, suddenly apprehensive about finally getting the answer to the question that had haunted him since Danny left. "What made you decide to give up the custody fight last Christmas and move to back to the mainland?"
The change of subject (though it really wasn't) caught Danny off guard. He hesitated, shifting mental gears, and Steve could almost see the walls go up.
"Why? Why are you asking me this now?"
"Stop answering a question with a question."
"Fine." Danny stared at him, then pushed his shoulders back and just like that, the walls came right back down. "Because you swooped in like a fucking superhero and swept Catherine off her feet. Because you invited me to a Christmas dinner with a family that I could never be a part of." Eyes glittering, Danny poked his finger into Steve's chest. "Because I couldn't love you any more, all right? I couldn't--I couldn't watch you and work with you and see you with Grace and want so much more from you than being a surf buddy or whatever it was you decided you wanted it to be." Hands on his hips, he stepped back and glared at Steve. "But then you showed up in that neon-colored sand pit with that look in your eye and the next thing I know, I'm actually believing I may get that goddamn happy ending I always wanted. With you, a crazy man with a khaki fetish. Happy now?"
Steve's eyes fluttered shut as he took a moment to grieve for all the lost time and the missed opportunities and the screwed up communication. He'd wanted to tell Danny--Jesus, he should've told Danny the moment that damn bomb had been defused--how he felt, but he'd thought he had time. And he'd owed Catherine that grand gesture and she'd taken it for the campy stunt that it was, so he'd never once thought how Danny had seen it.
Opening his eyes, Steve looked at Danny, loving what he saw and completely at peace with the choice he'd made.
"Yeah, because you're still the same stubborn son of a bitch I fell in love with and yet you can't accept that there's nothing you can say or do that will change that. So now you can tell me what you're really thinking. Maybe you move back to Vegas, you and Grace spend summer and holidays here, something like that?"
"You got a better idea?"
"Okay, let's try this again." Steve swiped his hand over his face, briefly pinching the bridge of his nose. "You don't have to ask, Danny. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
Realization flared in Danny's eyes and he clenched his jaw. "No. I won't do that. You love it here, your life is here, this is your home--"
"No, Danny, wrong. Yes, I love the island, my roots are here, but that's all they are. My life, my home--that's you, and Grace, and whatever we can put together, wherever we have to go. It doesn't matter where, it never has. Jesus, Danny," his voice broke and he cleared his throat, "do you really have to ask if I'm happy?"
Danny opened his mouth, then closed it, shaking his head. When he spoke his voice was quiet and steady "What about Five-0?"
"What about it?"
"C'mon, don't pretend it's just a job, I know better. You love what you do and besides, if you quit, won't they throw you back in the navy?" Before letting Steve answer, Danny sat down on an ottoman and lowered his head into his hands. "Jesus Christ, this is a mess."
Steve knelt beside Danny, placing his palm squarely between Danny's tense shoulders. "My commission could be reactivated at any time, but that's beside the point."
Danny didn't move, his face still hidden by his hands. "It is?"
"Yeah." Curling his fingers around Danny's wrist, Steve gently pulled his hand away, then leaned in until his forehead rested against Danny's temple, taking a moment to breathe deep and let Danny's scent center him. He ached with wanting to make everything right for Danny, to hold on to the life they'd found with each other and the love they shared, a love so crazy and profound that still made him weak in the knees just to think about it.
"Listen to me," he whispered. "I knew that moving back to Hawaii without Grace wasn't going to work forever. Hell, I miss her, too, you know that. So I've had a couple of conversations with the governor about training a similar task force in Nevada."
Danny pulled back so he could look into Steve's eyes. "You talked to the governor about moving to Nevada." It was a statement draped in disbelief, delivered in Danny's patented you are certifiable, you know that, right? tone.
Steve nodded. "And he's talked to Governor Sandoval. There is one hitch, though."
"Oh, there's a hitch to this fairy tale of yours?"
Yeah, Steve knew that tone, too. Danny's mind was switching gears again lightening fast and looking at every angle, even as he waited for Steve to answer.
"If they can manage the funding, which is looking pretty good right now, the program will have to be based in Carson City, at least for the first couple of months. So not quite Las Vegas, but--"
Danny didn't let him finish. Before Steve could tell him about the seven daily non-stop flights between Reno and McCarran, Danny had tackled him flat out on the floor and was kissing him like there was no tomorrow in between threats and words of devotion that, coming from Danny, sounded pretty much the same.
But there was a tomorrow, and they were going to face it and all their tomorrows together.
September 8, 2013
"No, I'm not surprised." Chin shifted, stretching out his legs and crossing his ankles."Well, except that it took so long."
Steve smiled. "That obvious, huh?"
"That you two are miserable without each other? Yeah, obvious may not be a strong enough word, but I'll admit, I thought the 'til death do you part' thing was just Danny complaining again."
Steve leaned back in his chair and gave Chin a long, considering look. He still worried about him and figured he always would, but he was hoping that this change in the order of things could give Chin something new to focus on.
"He can't live without Grace," Steve said with a shrug, "and I can't live without either of them now."
"Sounds like you got it bad, brah. And Danny's just as bad, you were just too stupid to notice."
Steve scowled at him. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. So. Nevada, huh?"
They both shuddered and then laughed before Chin sat forward, his expression turning troubled. "Steve, I'm not sure I'm the right guy to fill your shoes, to be honest."
"You're perfect." Steve's tone left no room for argument because he truly believed that Chin Ho Kelly was the best and only choice to lead the next generation of Five-O. Hell, he'd probably be better than Steve himself--Chin was smart, intuitive, kept a cool head under fire and, more importantly, he was better with people. "On the other hand, you're not locked in. Both you and Kono can resume your HPD careers at any time, I made sure of that."
Chin looked down at his hands. "Speaking for myself, I'm pretty sure that won't happen, but thanks. It's just, well, it's not going to be the same without you and Danny around."
It was hard to hear, but nothing Steve didn't expect. His mom had taken the announcement in stride when he'd called her, not thrilled with the move but she didn't have any room to argue and so had kept most of her opinions to herself. Kono had laughed, then cried, then laughed again, throwing her arms round Danny's neck after they'd made the announcement. Then she'd stepped back and slugged him in the arm, complaining that she'd just gotten used to having him back and now he was leaving again.
It'd all been wonderful and heartbreaking, tears shed by everyone, but a lot of laughter between those tears. Danny seemed lighter, his shoulders straighter, his eyes shining though occasionally dimmed at the prospect of leaving at least this part of his Hawaiian life behind once more.
"The islands will always be the place I'm from," Steve said, "but home is wherever my family is. Having said that, Danny's already mentioned coming out here the first time we get a break, if you can believe it. "
Chin's eyebrows rose. "Danny wants to come here on vacation?"
"Well, it wasn't exactly an enthusiastic endorsement, more like a grudging admission that he doesn't want to lose his mad surfing skills."
"Oh, my God." Chin stifled his laughter by dropping his head into his hands. "Man, I'm going to miss you guys." He raised his head, his wistful expression reminding Steve of all that Chin had lost. "But you know I'm happy for you, right?"
"I know. We both do. And maybe, if--"
Steve paused when he saw Danny approaching his office, his phone pressed against his ear. He looked agitated (as usual) but Steve had learned to tell the differences in Danny's body language. This looked serious.
Danny pushed through the closed office door, giving Chin a brief wave but his focus on Steve.
"Are you sure?" he said. "Don't jerk me around, Rachel, this is too important."
At the mention of Rachel's name, Chin shared a glance with Steve and then rose to his feet, sidling out of the office and closing the door behind him. Steve had his own reaction to hearing Rachel's name, the same one he'd had since he'd first met Danny, only now it was a little more personal.
"Okay, okay, call me back when you know for sure."
Danny lowered the phone and Steve stood up, alarmed at Danny's shell-shocked expression.
"What's wrong? C'mon, Danny what's going on? Is it Grace? Is she all right?"
"Uh, that was Rachel, as you probably figured out. She was calling to tell me that she's moving back to Hawaii."
"What? You're kidding."
"No, no, Steven, I am not kidding, I would not kid about something like this."
"Is it Stan? Is he being transferred back?"
Danny stared at him, then slowly shook his head. "No, it's Rachel." It looked like he was going to continue but he didn't, instead turning away from Steve to pace across the office.
Heart thudding in his chest, Steve waited for Danny to put the words together that could change the course of their lives once more. Judging from Danny's demeanor, whatever had happened had blindsided him as well, but Steve couldn't stop the bleak thoughts that came right behind the worry. He didn't want to believe that Danny was still vulnerable to Rachel, especially if she and Stan were having problems again.
Finally, Danny turned back toward him, but as Steve watched, he visibly shifted gears.
"Oh, stop it," Danny snapped, "I see what you're thinking. Don't even go there, okay? This has nothing to do with me. Turns out Rachel misses this rock as much as Grace does, so Stan's working on a plan to get everyone back here. They haven't talked to Grace yet and only told me because I told Rachel about you and me moving to Carson City."
"I don't--Danny, is this for real?"
Danny let out a gusty sigh. "God, I don't know. As many times as she's jerked me around the last couple of years, I really think she's trying to do the right thing this time. You and I know how much Grace hates Las Vegas, but I figured she'd get over it, you know? Make new friends, get used to the city, stuff like that. But all she talks about is how much she misses everyone here, I mean, I think she texts Kamekona more than she does me."
Steve pulled at his bottom lip, head swimming with all the repercussions. It wouldn't be the best thing to have two states' governors pissed off at him, but it wouldn't be the worst thing, either.
"What?" Danny was glaring at him. "What are you thinking with that frowny face? Isn't this great news?"
Steve looked up at Danny, surprised to see how worried he looked. "Yeah, of course."
"Then why aren't you doing a happy hula or something? If Rachel calls me back and says it's a go, then you don't have to leave Hawaii. That should make you ecstatic."
"You just don't get it, do you?" Steve linked his fingers with Danny's, wishing he could do more but settling for what was work appropriate.
"Get what?"
"Danny, I've been posted all over the world and some day, I'm probably going to be asked to serve again, maybe somewhere far away. The only thing that matters to me is that we're together, and that I know you'll be there when I come home. Home, you Jersey reject, is where you are."
Danny looked up at him, silent and unblinking, then reached up and grabbed a fistful of Steve's shirt.
"Okay," he murmured, "I know we have very strict rules about PDA at the office, so I'm just going to put this out here now and make up for lost time when we get home. You are insane, in so many ways I cannot count, and yet it is an undeniable fact that I am as insane as you. Because, to put it succinctly, I freaking adore you, every crazy inch of you, and I just wanted to make that clear, in case you weren't sure. Because you can be a little slow. Just sayin'."
After a declaration like that, there was really only one response and what the hell, rules were made to be broken, right?
November 1, 2013
"Hang on, Danny, I'm going to get you out of there."
"That's good, because...ow, man, this sucks."
"Danny? Danny, tell me why it sucks." Keep talking to me.
"Because I got a hot date tonight and stop yelling at me, my head hurts."
Steve closed his eyes and rested his cheek on the dirt path. He was flat against the ground, peering through a small hole, his only viewpoint into a cave entrance now blocked by fallen rocks and debris--with Danny trapped and hurt on the other side.
"Hot date, huh? Want to tell me about it?"
Damn it, Danny, tell me about it. Stay awake and don't make me worry.
"Can't."
Danny's voice was fading and Steve clenched his bruised and bloody hands into fists, grinding dirt into his palms. "Why not?"
"You'd be jealous." Good, his voice was stronger.
"Who, me? No way."
"Yes, way, you big oaf, you'd be...you'd be...crap."
"Keep talking, Danny, help is almost here, I'm going to get you out of there."
"Help is coming, but you're going to get me out of here. Anyone ever tell you that you have a...a...what do you call it?"
"A what, Danny? Tell me what I have."
"Superhero complex, that's it. Man, my head hurts. Feels like a rock fell on it."
A ragged laugh escaped Steve's mouth. "Worse than a coconut?"
"Nah. Coconuts'll kill you. Kono still there?"
"She's guiding the rescue team in, they're bringing a dirt mover to get you out."
"No, no, I got this, if I can just reach--"
He was cut off and Steve could hear the dull thud of falling rocks mixed with the crackling sound of cascading pebbles. He pulled his body into a crouch and pressed his hands against the wall of stones, body straining to part the immoveable boulders that separated them.
"Danny! Danny, you okay? What happened?"
"Again with the yelling, knock it off. Thought I saw some daylight but it was just a reflection. How much longer do I have to wait, I think my flashlight is dying and did I mention my head hurts? Think I'm bleeding a little, too."
"Not long. Hang on, don't touch anything, I'll be right back."
Jumping to his feet, Steve ran down the steep path, the deep hum of a heavy motor approaching vibrating through the soles of his boots.
Thank God.
An hour later, Steve was sitting in the back of the ambulance as Danny was transported to the hospital. What he had claimed to be just a headache had been caused by a deep gash across his temple, spilling enough blood down his face and onto his bright blue shirt that Steve felt like either throwing up or punching someone, preferably the drug dealers they'd chased into the caverns.
"So tell me about this hot date."
Danny glanced at the EMT riding beside hm, then smirked at Steve, which was followed by a wince as the temporary dressing on his head pulled at his skin. It hadn't taken the dirt mover long to dig Danny out, and he'd rallied once he was back out in the sunlight, Steve's arm tight around his waist. The ambulance had already arrived on scene and though Danny had tried to protest, Steve had hustled him into the back and climbed in beside him, knowing Chin and Kono would have everything under control.
"Wouldn't you like to know."
Folding his fingers between his knees to keep from reaching for Danny's hand, Steve nodded. "Yeah, I would, actually, since I don't believe for a moment that you actually have one."
"You hear that, Timmy? Commander Perfect over there doesn't think I can score a date." Danny glanced up at the EMT, who ignored him as he made notes on his clipboard. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Steve acknowledged the fact that being on a first name basis with all the emergency medical personnel on the island wasn't exactly encouraging (half of them were related to Chin and Kono anyway), but he was more concerned with the blood staining through the bandage on Danny's head.
"No, I didn't say you couldn't get one, I just doubt that it would've been all that hot."
Danny started to lift his hand toward the bandage and Timmy, without looking up, pressed it back down on the gurney.
"Says you, but what do you know?" Danny raised his hand again and this time Steve intercepted it, but held on just long enough to stroke his thumb over the small cross tattoo. They shared a look and then Steve let go, but not soon enough for Danny to notice something Steve had completely forgotten about.
"Hey, Timmy, do me a favor, take a look at Steve's hand. It's pretty torn up." Now Danny's tone was brusque, no fooling around as he tugged at Timmy's sleeve.
"It's fine," Steve protested, but Timmy seemed to have no trouble ignoring him as well as he reached over Danny and grasped Steve's wrist, turning it so that his ragged, bloody palm was exposed.
"Yeah, let me clean that up real fast. You get it looked at when we get to the hospital, okay? My cousin, she's a nurse in the emergency room, she'll get you fixed up. You ask for Delia."
"He will," Danny said, then glared at Steve. "See? I swear I can't take you anywhere."
Steve turned to him with a look of disbelief on his face. "Me? You're the one who took a bullet in the arm at a camp out, Daniel. A camp out."
"Totally your fault, same thing the first time I took a bullet in the arm."
"How was the second time--ow! Hey!" Steve growled at an impervious Timmy, who was wiping the dirt out of the cuts in Steve's hand with an antiseptic swab. "How was the second time my fault? I'd like to hear this explanation."
"You, you're the one who found the guy in the woods, right?"
Steve used his free hand to point at Danny. "No, no, not right, Lucy found him in the woods."
"Lucy found him in the woods because she went to get her sweater because you scared her by throwing knives! Who throws knives at a camp out with a bunch of eleven-year-old girls?"
"He's got a point, Steve."
"Shut up, Timmy. Listen, Danny, they're not too young to learn survival skills, something you might want to consider."
"Oh, I have survival skills, my friend, as evidenced by the fact that I've survived hanging around you for the last four years."
"I think that little bump on the head has affected your memory."
"Yeah, well, what's your excuse?"
Lucky for Timmy, they arrived at the hospital and things got complicated. Steve had to wait while his palm was bandaged, despite his best efforts to shake off the nurse in order to see how Danny was doing. To his great relief, Danny was stitched up and released, the doctors having concluded he wasn't concussed. That did not, however, prevent Danny from having one hell of a headache that made him uncharacteristically quiet on the drive home.
Steve knew better than to make a big deal about it, but he'd learned to find ways to make Danny's life a little easier when stuff like this happened, just as Danny had for him. He'd already called Grace and assured her that her dad was okay and would call her later, then phoned Rachel as well, giving Danny time to breathe and not have to worry about picking Grace up from school. He made dinner a no fuss meal, defrosting some stew he'd put away for these occasions. And at the end of the day, with Danny face down on their bed and clad only in his boxers, Steve used his uninjured hand to work out the knots and kinks until Danny fell asleep, then turned out the lamp and stretched out beside him. He was tired but not sleepy, choosing to let the filtered moonlight and susurration of the tide work their magic on his mind and body.
He hated these days, but this day had one saving grace, and that was the fact that Danny was here next to him, snoring softly, body relaxed and entrusted to Steve's care. Too many times he'd had to watch Danny walk away, not having the right to do anything more than offer a hug or a teasing remark or an encouraging word. Or worse, he'd been the one to walk away, just when he was on the fine edge of revealing feelings he was only beginning to understand, but finding Rachel sleeping in Danny's arms that night had convinced him that he was wrong, that there wasn't anything more between him and Danny than friendship.
A soft sound caught Steve's attention and he shifted sideways, just as Danny turned his head and pressed his cheek to the pillow, blinking up at Steve.
"Hello, hot date," Danny muttered around a yawn.
"Hello yourself."
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. How's the head, do you want another aspirin?"
Danny closed his eyes and waved his hand, his wrist loose as if unhinged. "Nah. You comfortable? House all locked up? Security on? Brush your teeth?"
"Uh, yes, yes, yes, and yes. Why?"
"Don't move."
And with that, Danny used his elbows to crawl onto Steve, sprawling half on him, half off, then laying his head down on Steve's chest and heaving a contented sigh.
Steve was asleep within minutes.
Christmas Eve, 2013
"Anything good in the mail?"
Steve looked up as Danny came down the stairs, buttoning the cuff of his white dress shirt. There was something about Danny in that shirt and black trousers, coordinating black jacket currently hanging off one of their dining room chairs, that made Steve want to forgo having an evening out and order a pizza they could reheat later. Much later.
"Post card from Catherine," Steve replied.
Danny turned his attention to his other cuff, and by doing so, didn't meet Steve's gaze. "Yeah? How is she?"
"She's great, enjoying the snow, getting in some skiing."
Danny looked around for his jacket. "Skiing? I thought she was back at Norfolk."
Steve picked up the card and held out so Danny could take it and read the writing on the back. He waited and watched, seeing the exact moment that Danny caught on.
Raising wide eyes that couldn't quite hide a gleam of satisfaction, Danny set the card aside. "Honeymoon, nice. Good for her. You know the guy?"
Nodding his head, Steve reached for his own jacket and shrugged it on. "I knew him at Coronado, he was part of the civilian support staff. He and Cath broke it off when she shipped out. Nice guy, I'm happy for them."
"You should be, they're honeymooning in Switzerland. Whereas you and I have not had a honeymoon. No," he continued, holding up his hands as if receiving a revelation, "wait, I'll bet you thought breaking up that kidnapping ring on Molokai constituted a honeymoon."
Steve frowned at him. "Molokai is beautiful, people from all over the world spend their honeymoon there."
"Yes, true, but they do not end up bound and gagged in the hull of a catamaran."
Grabbing Danny's jacket, he shook it out and then held it so that Danny could slide it on. "Come on, you were only in there what, twenty, thirty minutes?"
"Forty-five minutes and I ended up with the mother of all charley horses and a rip in my new shirt." Danny tugged at his lapels as he turned toward Steve. "Meanwhile, you were making like Spiderman and rappelling down a cliff to save a beautiful woman who, coincidentally, was in distress. So forgive me if I don't think that constitutes, in any way, a honeymoon."
The aggrieved tone Danny was using told Steve that Danny wasn't complaining at all, not really. In fact, he looked relaxed and yes, even happy. And Steve could understand why.
It had been a year fraught with emotional highs and lows, starting off with Danny resigning and leaving the island, all because of a misunderstanding that Steve couldn't have seen coming. He'd loved Danny for so long that he'd contented himself with the life they shared, even if it was of the purely platonic sort. To think that Danny had felt the same and that feeling had driven him to Las Vegas was something Steve had yet to fully come to terms with--so much lost time, time they could've been together.
But now they had everything to look forward to. Rachel had followed through and moved the family back to Honolulu and had also agreed to maintain Danny's custody agreement. Even the dog had been reunited with Grace after Danny reclaimed him from the family that had fostered him after they'd moved to the mainland.
So it was a reset back to the beginning, almost, except in the most important way. Now when he and Danny shared a ride to work, it was simply a matter of leaving the house together, maybe running a little late because they'd made love in the shower when they should've been getting ready. And there was more, so much more. Arguments, always, from what to watch on TV to where to go to lunch to whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher. Steve was able to work on the Merc in peace when Danny and Grace were off together on an adventure, but then they'd come home and tell their stories while Steve barbequed out on the deck.
Of all the things Steve thought he'd find in Hawaii, a family wasn't one of them, especially not a family with a bad-tempered Jersey transplant at its center. Looking at Danny now as he clipped his holster to his belt beneath his jacket, Steve suddenly wanted to give Danny that honeymoon. Hell, he wanted to give Danny everything.
"Okay."
Danny's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Okay, what?"
"Okay, we'll go on a honeymoon. Where do you want to go?"
They'd been heading toward the door, but Danny hit the brakes. "Whoa, you don't just blurt it out there, you don't just decide on the way to dinner. We need to talk about this, weigh our options, compare notes. Not to mention the fact that there's generally a thing before the honeymoon, a little something civilized people like to call a wedding."
Chewing on his lip to prevent a grin that would only annoy Danny further, Steve appeared to contemplate the issue. "Yeah, there is that. As I recall, though, you haven't asked me yet."
Danny went silent at that comment, exactly as Steve expected. Danny believed in etiquette and protocol and believed there was the right way to do things. Steve could only imagine how Danny could wrap his head around this situation, but he was looking forward to whatever Danny came up with.
"All right," Danny said firmly. "Here's the thing. When I ask you, you have to say yes."
"I do?" Steve pretended to be affronted. "Why?"
Shrugging, Danny reached for the knob on the front door. "Neater that way. Tidy. Unless you have to think about it?"
They both knew that Steve didn't have to waste a moment's thought on his reply.
Later, after they returned home from dinner, they made love until the early hours of the next morning, the fascination and adoration of each other's bodies as strong as the first time they'd come together, though now there was more finesse and fewer unsure moves. They'd been physically comfortable--and affectionate--with each other almost from the beginning, so the intimacy of lovers came easily as well. Though they'd never discussed it, it was obvious that neither of them were inexperienced, and knowledge that could've driven a wedge between them instead solidified, at least to Steve, the truth that this love was the one he'd been waiting for his entire life.
It would be a cliché to say that life with Danny would never be easy, but Steve didn't see it that way. To the world, they were completely incompatible and he was aware that some people, ignorant people who didn't know them well, wondered how they made it through the day without killing each other. But Steve knew, and Danny knew, and the people who loved them knew that all the bickering and teasing and snarky remarks had actually turned out to be the shorthand of lovers, a private language they shared from the moment they met.
Leaving Danny asleep in their bed, he got up and threw on a pair of sweatpants, then went downstairs to get a bottle of water, his body caught between a pleasant thrum and a deep-bone lethargy courtesy of the past few hours. Out of habit, half asleep, he sipped from the bottle and walked the first floor, checking locks and cracking windows so that the earliest morning breeze would touch the air with a hint of island flowers. He knew every inch of this house and walked confidently in the dark before setting the half empty bottle in the refrigerator and heading toward the stairs.
Danny was sitting on the third step, dressed in tee shirt and shorts, elbows on his knees, his tousled blond hair gleaming in the moonlight. With a sigh, Steve sat beside him, close enough so that they touched from shoulder to knee.
"Perimeter secure?" Danny asked, his voice husky and just intimate enough to make a shiver race down Steve's spine.
"We're good," he replied.
Danny turned his head and dropped a kiss on Steve's bare shoulder. "Never doubted it."
It was these tender moments--and there were more of them than anyone would imagine or believe--that always took Steve's breath away. He'd realized how much he loved Danny--really loved him--the moment the red dot of that laser had disappeared from Danny's chest. The tears he'd held back as Danny walked away that day had not only been tears of relief, but tears of surrender. It'd almost been a blessing to not be near Danny because Steve's emotions had been so ragged that Danny would've asked questions, and Steve wasn't ready for them. At that moment, with bomb removal personnel bustling around him and the adrenaline still singing through his veins, he'd been paralyzed by the admission that one way or another, his life would've ended had the bomb not been defused. And hard on that admission had been the thought--fleeting, devastatingly painful--that he couldn't love Danny any more than at that moment, that the friendship they shared would be the extent of it.
But he'd been wrong. Gloriously, completely, utterly wrong. Danny wasn't just in his life, he was his life, and he never worried that Danny felt the same way because every day he had proof that Danny loved him. Even in their worst moments, when tempers ran hot and words were flung at each other like sparks, there was always a rock solid undercurrent of trust and affection that carried them home.
As for that honeymoon, Steve already had a pretty good idea about where they should go. Although he had yet to meet Danny's parents in person, he'd talked to them on the phone a few times before he and Danny got together. And once they were together, Steve had worried about how they'd react to Danny's apparent change of romantic direction.
He should've known better. Danny had kept them in the loop about everything (almost) and somehow, they still seemed to like Steve. Danny had even agreed to try Skyping them if Steve agreed to set it up (Steve then asked Grace to do it), but once they'd started, he'd insisted on dragging Steve into the frame, smooshing them together and giving Steve a loud kiss on the lips just to emphasize his commitment to being open. Danny's parents had laughed and treated Steve like a son from that moment forward, and Steve was ninety-five percent sure it wasn't just because he wasn't Rachel.
So that was Steve's plan, to take Danny and Grace back to New Jersey. Grace would get to see her grandparents and he'd finally meet his in-laws in person, something Danny promised would be a cross between waterboarding and a block party. He'd see where Danny grew up, visit his old precinct, meet his friends and co-workers and absorb everything he could.
But that was in the future. Now he had Danny standing up and ruffling Steve's hair as he turned to go upstairs. Now he had Danny waiting for him in the bed they shared, maybe asleep, maybe pissed off about something and eager to tell Steve all about it, or maybe just feeling like Steve needed to lay down already so Danny could get comfortable. Steve would roll with whatever Danny wanted, just as he had almost from the beginning, but as Danny slept beside him, Steve would be planning not only the perfect honeymoon with Danny, but a lifetime with him as well.
I will never do you wrong or let you down or lead you on
Don't look down, it's only love, baby, that we're falling in