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The driveway seemed to Dale suddenly longer than he remembered and for a moment he considered sleeping in the car.
"Harry wouldn't like it," he thought.
Still, it felt like an imposition to even open the car door. It wasn't so much the fatigue as it was the weight. His shoulders, the air in his lungs, the blood behind his eyes, his heart – it all felt heavy, anchor down, slowly pulling him under.
This last case still swam through his head in a syrupy way, slow and thick. It's sloshed back and forth through his thoughts and spilled over into his life, drop by drop. They all did. None like Laura though, never like Laura. It was hard to admit that even now, everything about it still left him cold and breathless. To feel so cold, when everything around him had become so warm and inviting felt...unappreciative somehow but then again, so did denying that feeling.
That felt dishonest.
Dale’s hands clung limply to the steering wheel as he thought through the motions of leaving the car, and he found he couldn't quite move.
"I should be concerned," he thought passively. There was a dull ache about him and everything seemed to resonate with the vaguest vibration of pain.
"Perhaps I'm ill,” he thought, "one of the perils of travel," but he knew that more or less he was fine – healthy even – and yet, he couldn't quite move. He wanted desperately to have home pour over him and make everything right, and still, not five feet away he could not make himself leave the car.
"It's not enough," he heard himself whisper. Even that sounded far away, distorted. His voice floated off and dissolved into the air.
Slowly other noises started to surface, a latch, muffled barks, familiar footsteps in their weight and in their gait, birds, his own shallow breathing. All of it, once so distant, suddenly came rushing in on him with an abrasive clarity. Finally, a tap on the car window.
"License and registration please," Harry Truman was trying his best to look serious but a smile crept into the corners of his lips.
The sight of him put Dale slightly more at ease, but also set him on edge in a different way. It was as though he could not dredge up the strength to hide his longing for inwardness. The cool allure of sadness had begun to crackle and spread through his bones, blue and white, first frigid across his nerves, then hot in his cheeks. Could Harry see it already? Didn't it drip out of his pores? Wasn't he soaked in it?
Harry half expected Dale to roll down his window and play along. Instead the car door opened opened slowly, "Harry..." Dale exhaled.
"Hey you," Harry beamed and stepped back to give him some space. "I didn't hear you pull-up, I was just getting the mail." He pulled Dale close, softly but firmly. At this Dale made a mild effort to hug him back but he mostly allowed himself to get lost in the rich warmth that seemed to be intrinsic to Harry Truman. Aftershave and salt, the sun that seem to linger and live in his skin, the deep breath of pine and grass. Something to hold onto. Dale suddenly pulled Harry tight.
"Oh! Hey now..." Harry yelped in surprise as Dale burrowed further and further into him. "Well I...I missed you too," he chuckled.
Dale slowly let go and gave Harry a watered down smile without looking him in the eye before he ducked back into the car for his briefcase. Harry raised an eyebrow the the expression "Here, no, let me." He took the bag out of Dale's hands and touched his cheek. Dale closed his eyes. It was mostly a reflex but there was a security in that roughness that made him feel like he could make it to the house.
"You..." Harry finally got a good look at him for the first time. Dale seemed drawn, far away. "You alright?" He asked hesitantly.
"I'm just...tired," Dale sighed but didn't open his eyes.
"Tired? Darlin, you look exhausted," Harry frowned, "why don't you head on inside, I'll get your bags, ok?"
"Alright..." Dale whispered.
The dogs milled about his feet, trying to figure out where Dale had been, but he didn't acknowledge them. As Harry watched him disappear into the house he ran his hands through his curls and then across his chin. "Oh boy..." He sighed.
The light dripped through the trees and pooled on the grass where Bessie had sprawled out. It pilled on Harry shoulders and washed over his face.
Now Harry closed his eyes, maybe that was a reflex too. Things always felt brighter when Dale was home, more vivid, full of possibility. Harry reached for that feeling which was always granted to him without his needing to ask, but it wasn't there. In its place he found he was unsettled.
Back in the cabin, if Harry hadn’t known better, he would have thought Dale was still out in the car except that the tub was running in the bathroom. He hadn't even left his shoes by the door, which he usually insisted upon. Harry swallowed. "It's fine," he thought, "everything's fine. He's got to wash the road off him is all, it's what I'd do."
Still, as a man who liked to lean on the side of caution, he figured it best to put a little more effort into Dale’s comfort. When he put the bags in the bedroom he lit some of Dale's candles, "for when he gets out." and carefully selected some of his clothes and set them on the bed. Finally, he put a towel and a robe in the basket outside the bathroom door "just in case".
He knocked on the door lightly, "Coop? I'm just going to finish up dinner," he yelled as kindly as he could to be heard above the rhythmic roar of the bathtub. No answer. "It's fine," he thought.
Dale stood barefoot watching the water lap furiously into the tub. The metal belt fastener clacked on to the bathroom floor where he had neatly placed his shoes and socks and he fumbled with the button on his pants but then stopped and let his arms sway by his sides. Nothing about his hands felt connected, or particularly obedient, he balled them up and went over the texture of his fingers as he watched the water. It was murky with heat. Clouds and eddys formed and spun in and out of one another. Without looking away, he shrugged his suit jacket off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor.
It seemed to Dale that if he looked hard enough he could see the jittering molecules in the water, moving too fast, frantic and spinning, pushing in on one another. A loose slovenly friction that could boil a person alive. Small. He thought often of these tiny things.
He thought of himself as being very small, "in a relative way," he told Harry once when they had gone to see the redwoods.
"Harry in the grand scheme of things we are so very- "
"Insignificant?" Harry asked.
"No Harry, we are very significant, we're just small. Just the right size to be part of something immense and moving and breathing. Part of a greater whole, just the right size," Dale took his hand, "you and me."
Harry squeezed his hand back and smiled, "but small?"
"That's it." Dale looked into the trees, up into the boughs, full of life and movement, "It's beautiful.”
Harry watched Dale marvel at their existence and then touched his chin gently, "You, are beautiful." He said softly, and kissed him. The quiet of the forest surrounded them and in that moment Harry understood what Dale meant.
Now though, standing alone, Dale thought insignificant felt right. Was any of it worth it?
Did he make a difference at all? He thought of everyone – pushing in on one another, that same awful friction. He thought he could escape it here, but he felt suddenly and deeply that he was wrong. It was everywhere in everything, frantic and spinning through people's veins, until It boiled over and he had to go clean up the mess. Is that what it was? He looked at the back of his hands, his own veins. "Maybe it's in me too," he thought, "maybe one day I'll boil over too.”
The medicine cabinet was full of bath salts, soaps, and oils. Dale had regulated all actual medicine to a drawer in the kitchen pantry, due to moisture concerns. The collection of products was fairly extensive. Harry had made it a point pick them up when he saw an interesting combination of fragrances. Dale looked over each bottle as though any one of them could fix what was wrong. Without removing anything he closed the door to the mirrored cabinet. A melted and blurred man stared back at him through the steam.
He stared at himself for a moment, trying to meet his own cloudy gaze, then without much fanfare, he plunged his leg into the bath, then the other. Harry would have said it was altogether too hot and normally Dale would have agreed. The black cloth of his pants obscured his view of his pale skin turning ruddy and raw. He felt the prickle of his capillaries expanding and contracting, pins and needles. It rippled, up, up, up. The fabric of his clothing swayed and clung to him as his heart start to pulse deeper, within him a well.
The water rushed around him as he lowered himself into the still filling the tub. Crossing his legs meditatively, he tried to clear his mind exhaling between pounding heartbeats. Dale thought about waterfalls, he thought about tornados, he thought about lions, he thought about Laura. He thought, "this isn't working."
From the kitchen Harry could hear the shower come on. Bessie looked up at him. "Don't,” he sighed, “he just needs some time, it's fine." She huffed in disbelief.
Cold water poured over Dale's head as he sat in the heat. The contrast made his brain staticy. The chill down his spine met the sparks in his legs somewhere in his stomach. A purple dissonance swirled out into his nerves and all over his body and there it was, the emptiness he searched for.
The bathwater felt more palatable so he turned off the water and leaned back. His shirt billowed around him so he unbuttoned it but didn't take it off. Nearly imperceptible bubbles gather around the hairs on his red knuckles. He closed his eyes and let the pounding of his heart become a mantra.
There was a sensation of falling away. He was like a stone, drifting slowly downward to clatter and lay among the weeds and the fish. Here he could lie still at the bottom of a vast body of water. He felt himself become immense and everything about him grow and fill the expanse, body and soul and yet he had not changed size at all. It was dark and yet he could see everything. The reeds, the fish, the stones, little bugs, the webbed feet of water fowl breaking the surface and letting in the light. Tiny movements coming together to match the throbbing in his ears, in and out. And here was where the mountains grew. Their roots tangled up in him among the weeds, holding him down, drawing him here, but he didn’t struggle against them. Their grip was a comfort and they held fast. The mountains’ embrace, heavy and pervasive.
There was something else too. A woman studied him slowly. Her face was like silver and dappled with light from the surface, but her skin seemed almost translucent in a way he did not understand. Her eyes were clear and bright, but somehow Dale couldn’t focus on her features, but it was undoubtedly Caroline. “Am I starting to forget her, now after all this time?” He wondered he reached a hand to the woman’s cheek.
“Caroline...” He whispered.
“My only Dale Cooper,” She smiled. “You’ve come home?”
“Yes,” he said taking her in, “I’ve spent too much time away, but I have so many things to tell you. Especially about Harry. Caroline, you would like Harry very much, I wish you could meet him. He’s wonderful.” He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted her to see he was ok.
“No, you have come home, here.” She said and gestured to the expanse.
Harry had an expression of perplexed amusement that he gave some of Dale’s more far fetched “mumbo jumbo”. Dale imagined he looked similarly when he asked, “Where is here Caroline?”
“Raise your eyes and see Dale.”
“I see...the mountains…”
Under the water, the landscape’s shape rippled and broke but there they were, towering above the two of them.
“Yes, here is where they come from, from deep beneath the earth - to be alone. To look out and be alone, and that is the safest place for them. Here is where the mountains grow.”
Dale smiled, “Caroline, they are one of my very favorite things about Twin Peaks. If you could see the view even from our little cabin -”
“You too should be alone Dale Cooper.”
Dale’s smile faded. He tried to bend to see her more clearly, but the reeds held him back.
“When will you hurt him?”
“Who? You mean Harry? I would never-”
“When will you hurt him, like you hurt me? You are selfish. Do you not see that? Do you not see that all your efforts to save them is you working toward your own atonement? It has always been that way, for your mother, for me, for that poor girl, for the deep dark things that creep inside of you.
Why don’t you become like the mountains Dale Cooper? It is time to be alone. Then you might be as selfish as you wish.”
She ran her hands through his hair in a familiar way and spoke softer, but somehow with more severity, “When will you hurt him Dale Cooper? When will you drag him down to the depths with you? He cannot survive here. No. It is time to be alone - like the mountain and here is where they grow.”
“Cara...I am sorry for...what happened to you...but there was no way I could have stopped that. If it is in my power I won’t let anything happen to Harry, I love him very much…”
“Dale, The mountain is not carved out of love. For who can love the mountain? They do not yield to the will of others. Who can bend the mountain to their chest and ask it to become one with the flat lands again? Who can truly love the mountain without the it breaking their spirit? Without the mountain taking first? It is unachievable.”
“No. You’re wrong. Caroline I love you but you are wrong. I’m not...I am not that way. I’m not like that Caroline. I help because I can. Because it is the right thing to do, because I am part of the world.” He felt the weeds pull tighter as he struggled to speak with conviction. There were more now, each one burned his skin, but he ignored them. “Like the mountain I am part of the land Caroline. The mountain provides a refuge, provides shade, it is a comfort. I can be a stronghold, a place of safety for those without-”
“No Dale, if you provide shade, it is a darkness. The mountain is the first to grab at the sun. You are selfish Dale Cooper and there is nothing more to say. And when? When will you drag him down into the darkness with you? When will you once again be too late to save one more because you took your moment in the light and left us all in the darkness? There is no more atonement for you. Even the mountain crumbles back into the sea, to become the pebble, to become the stone, to find its place again amongst the reedy pools with the fish, and the bugs, and the slime and algae and all the vile things that settle here in the dark. And here is where you will stay, at the roots of the mountains.”
The weeds tangled around his neck and pulled him back.
--
Dale’s eyes shot open. His chest heaved as he let his mind find its place back where he was safe. He wasn’t sure at what point of his meditation he had fallen asleep, but he didn’t feel much rested at all. “A precaution,” he thought, “my body was trying to protect me from drowning.”
He tried to reason out the dream but his face became hot and his throat tightened. Images became muddy but the feelings lingered. He felt raw all over and somehow cold.
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, "Coop?" Harry spoke as softly as he knew how, "you alright?"
It suddenly occurred to Dale that this was the only bathroom in the house. "Harry, I'll be right out..." is all he could think to say as tears had started to run into the tub. The water started to drain around him, pulling at his clothes.
Harry paused a moment before finally saying, “Alright.” The sound of the tub draining was reassuring. Looking out into the kitchen, it was hard to think that anything could be wrong. The dogs slept quietly near the fireplace, and the house was rich with the scent of home cooking and Dale’s candles from the bedroom, it was perfect. Harry took it all in and smiled despite himself. When Dale wasn’t there he didn’t see much point in cooking that way, but it was worth the effort the make Dale feel like their home could be a refuge from work, the road and the world. Harry was always surprised how the simple action of making that space was comforting to himself as well. Now all that was missing was Dale.
Harry set the table, he fed the dogs, he checked on the bedroom candles, and after some deliberation he set out the food. No Dale.
Harry took a deep breath and puffed out his cheeks, “Okay.”
He knocked on the door of the bathroom again, “Hey Coop? No rush but, dinner’s on the table...”
He waited for a minute. No Answer.
“Coop?” Still no answer. Harry’s mind started rolling through the possible reasons for this. “Maybe he fell asleep?” He thought, but the rest of the possibilities were not as pleasant, and several were time sensitive. He knocked again. “Dale?” He raised his voice a little, “Dale, I need ya to answer me, Darlin’ you’re worrying me a bit...” When there was still nothing, Harry gave the door knob a twist, and wondered why he thought Dale would lock it. “Alright, now, I don't want to invade your privacy, but just want to make sure you’re ok….Okay? So I’m coming in.”
The dogs raise their heads slightly at this but nothing else in the house stirred, not even Harry who just stood very still with the knob turned in his hand. “Coop?” He tried one last time, then finally he exhaled and in a swift motion pushed the door open.
A rosy Dale Cooper looked up at him startled, “Harry? Is everything alright?”
“Dammit Dale, you scared me to death. Are you ok? Didn’t you hear me calling you?”
Dale’s eyebrows furrowed as he turned this over in his mind. Hadn’t he just spoken with Harry? “No...I didn’t, I’m sorry.”
Harry sighed and let the tension go out of his body. Dinner. The dogs. The house. Dale. Everything was ok. No point in being upset about it now. “It’s alright, I was just worried. I figured you had fallen asleep but...” Although Harry had been looking at Dale the whole time, his concern must have dulled his perception and he hadn’t noticed the white dress shirt plastered to Dale’s pink shoulders, or the slacks the clung and draped over his legs. “Are you - You’re in…” He started and then walked over to the tub and sat on the floor next to it, positioning himself to look up at Dale.
Closer the heat from the tub was still substantial, Harry wasn’t surprised Coop was a little flushed. “Might need some water,” he thought. The rims of his eyes looked just as red.
Harry’s mouth opened and closed slightly as he looked for the words he wanted. It didn’t seem worth asking about the clothes right now so he settled on, “Darlin’, what’s wrong?”
Dale shook his head, but wouldn’t look Harry in the eyes. “Nothing, I’m sorry…”
“Nothing? Dale, I don't know if you've noticed but, you’re sitting here in your wet clothes. That doesn't seem like nothing to me…” Harry hoped to get a smile out of Dale but he was met with silence.
“It makes a man a little nervous. Why don’t we get you dried up and we can talk about it?” He stood up and extended his hand to Dale.
Dale nodded but didn’t move. After a few moments, Harry let his hand fall to his side and crouched back down.
“Hey…” he tried to meet Dale’s gaze, “Honey, it can’t be as bad as all that. What happened?” Harry touched his chin slightly and watched a shiver go through Dale’s skin. He sighed again, trying not to let his worry look like impatience.
“Straight to bed,” he thought and stood back up, grabbing a towel off the rack as he went. Dale’s head perked up as he watched Harry wiggle out of his socks and gingerly step into the bathtub. The water bloomed through his jeans as Harry tried to arrange himself comfortably in the tub. When he was settled, he wrapped the towel around his shaking shoulders and said, “There now, a little better?”
Dale nodded in the smallest way.
Harry brushed the hair back from Dale’s eyes and watched the water run down his cheek. What now? There was a risk here. It was almost imperceivable. There was no doubt, if he pushed Dale too fast he wouldn’t know how to find him again, so he sat for a minute. The dampness about his legs made him shift uncomfortably and the room was already growing cool; it made him shiver just looking at Dale.
There was no point talking now, Dale wasn’t having it. Maybe it was just as well. He didn’t want to wait for Dale to open up just to catch his death on the bathroom floor. Besides he wouldn’t mind getting out of his now damp trousers and into bed with Dale. They could even talk in the morning if that’s what he wanted. It would be alright.
“Hang on,” as gracefully as he got in, Harry fumbled out of the tub, careful not to trip over Dale’s shoes or get too much water on the floor. There was enough momentum in him to scoop up Dale’s suit jacket and exchange it for the robe in the basket he had prepared earlier.
“These aren’t the circumstances I expected to say this tonight but, let’s get you out of those clothes,” Harry smirked, still hoping to get a rise out of Dale. Maybe a smile? Dale was shaking too much to know for sure. The clothes flopped onto the ceramic of the tub dramatically, as he wrapped the robe around Dale. “C’mon, out ya go.”
Dale nodded and somehow this was enough to get him into the bedroom.
Harry hugged him cautiously from the back. “Gonna grab you some water, just get yourself into bed ok? Two seconds.”
The candlelight rippled and pulled at the shadows of the bedroom. It seemed to match the blood pounding in Dale’s chest and ears, like waves crashing throughout his body. It was like he had never come up for air.
“When will you drag him down into the darkness with you?”
Dale turned Caroline’s words over and over in his mind.
“Maybe she’s right…” he thought. The robe fell to the floor and he pulled the covers back and let them clasp to his damp skin. What good was his own comfort if it wasn’t something he couldn’t offer others? “That’s it then. In the morning,” he thought, “I’ll tell Harry that’s it.”
The warmth of his tears was a little startling now that he had cooled down a bit. He lifted himself up and blew out the candle, so it was just him alone at the bottom of that lake, without any hope from the light getting through.
A thump came suddenly in the living room. “C’mon now Bessie.” Harry came back into the bedroom, a little flustered, carrying a glass of water. “She tripped me,” He chuckled as he put the glass down by the table lamp. “Hm, candle’s out. Here, sweetheart, can you sit up for me?” The light from the living room was just enough for him to see the tears streaked down Dale’s face and Harry felt his heart drop.
“I’m fine Harry. I just want to sleep.”
“Dale, I bet you’re a little dehydrated.” He said wiping Dale’s face softly with his thumb,”I just need you to drink some of this down and then we’ll see. Ok?”
Dale looked up at him slowly and then pushed himself toward the headboard of the bed as the sheets slipped off his uncovered chest.
“Oh honey, aren’t you cold? I laid out some clothes for you and...”
“I’m fine.”
Harry watched Dale quietly sip his water for a minute, and then went into his drawer.
They didn’t wear each other’s clothes much but, Harry enjoyed seeing Dale in his flannel or sweaters from time to time. His t-shirt would sit a little loose on Dale’s skin, but Harry suspected it was what he needed.
“Here.” Harry placed his shirt next to Dale.
A begrudging contentment fell over Dale and he sighed quite unintentionally. The shirt made him feel a little more anchored to his home. It wasn't what he wanted though, it wasn’t time to forget the urgency of the situation. At the end of the day he didn’t deserve it, better to be adrift than to let him drag Harry down too.
“Now, I think we oughta get some food in you.”
“No, I’m ok. The water helped, thank you.”
“Darlin’ when was the last time you ate?”
“This morning…” Dale muttered.
“A donut?” Harry asked knowingly.
“....no.”
“Two donuts?”
Dale smiled genuinely for the first time that night, although Harry could tell he hadn’t wanted to and the smile quickly faded.
“You don’t have to eat what I made tonight if you’re not in the mood. It’ll keep. I can just head on down to Norma’s and pick up whatever you want. How about that?”
“Harry, I’m fine. You don’t have to do that.”
“But I want to. Let me...” Harry tilted his head slightly so he was looking up at Dale. It took a lot for Harry not to kiss him. It’s not what Dale needed, he knew that. Still, he wanted to pull him close and make him feel loved, like everything was alright. Whatever new ugliness the world had shown him, couldn’t find him here in his arms, not if Harry had anything to do with it. Without knowing what was wrong, what else could he do? Without looking away from him Harry's hands found Dale’s in the dark, “Let me take care of you.”
Dale’s muscles tightened, ready to pull away.
“Don’t.” He said quietly but in a firm way that made Harry’s throat tight. “I just want to be alone.”
All Harry could do was nod, as his hands slipped away, rough spots tugging slightly at Dale’s softer skin. “Alright. I’m sorry. I’ll let you rest ok? I’m just going to go put dinner away, but if you need me hollar.”
“Harry, you should eat,” Dale said softly.
Harry just rubbed his chin and nodded as he closed the door behind him.
--
The house looked like Dale never came home, despite the food laid out on the table. There wasn’t as much enjoyment in it without company, so Harry made quick work of putting everything away and settled into the couch with a sandwich.
A shivering, rosy cheeked Dale entered his mind, “What a night,” he whispered.
Over his chewing and his thoughts, he heard some shuffling in the bedroom and went still for a minute. “Maybe I should check on him again, I’m sure he’s just...” Just what exactly? How could he describe it? This was different in a way he hadn't encountered yet. He couldn't understand it, but he wanted to, “...he just...needs some time.”
Barkley whined to inquire about Harry’s sandwich.
“Yeah ok, I’m not too hungry anyway.” He pulled out a slice of ham and let the dog chomp at it politely from this fingers. “Don’t tell Dale ok?”
Bessie huffed from Harry’s feet but didn’t move. “Well Miss, what do you think I should do?” He asked her patiently. Bessie lifted her head to look at him with a dismissiveness that said, “you're on your own,” and then yawned.
“Thanks.” He chuckled and ruffled her floppy ears, then assessed his options.
It wasn’t so late, Hawk would be up. It was the last practical thing he could think of.
“Hey Hawk,”
“Hey Harry, everything alright?”
“Yeah, I just need to ask a favor. Coop just got in and he’s…” Harry wasn’t sure exactly, “He’s just not feeling too well. I might need to stay home with him.” He sighed and let some formality out of his voice, “I’m just a little worried, if I’m honest.”
“Bad luck, anything I can do?”
“Nah, just keep an eye on things for me tomorrow, will ya? I can come in if anything happens, but otherwise I just need to know the town’s in good hands.”
“I’ve been told I have great hands, so you’ve come to the right place. Tell Coop I hope he feels better, and you keep yourself healthy alright? One day of Sheriffin’s enough for me.”
“I’ll do my best. Thanks Hawk.”
It wasn’t a lie. Coop could wake up tomorrow and be fine, “But what if he’s sick or something? It’s better if I’m home,” he reassured himself. “And well, if he’s alright, maybe I’ll play hooky and we can spend the day together.” He smiled, “That wouldn’t be the worst thing would it? When was the last time we did that?”
The next morning rolled out in front of him - Start coffee, walk dogs, feed dogs, tend chickens, start breakfast, “Should I buy some orange juice? Dale would like that,” quick grocery store run then, after that start breakfast. He could shower and shave after they ate, “Oh that’s right, the shower.”
Planning made him feel like they could somehow skip over the rest of this night but looking the bathroom over, it was hard to ignore how the evening had gone. Short of cleaning up, he wasn’t sure what to do. Maybe he should sleep on the couch, give Dale some space. Everything else he did seemed useless somehow.
Finally, he set his eyes back on the bedroom. “Okay,” he whispered as if anything louder would shake his resolve.
In the bedroom, Dale was sitting upright with his legs, now clothed in the pants Harry had left out for him, dangling over the side of the bed just slightly.
“Can’t sleep?” Harry asked cautiously and Dale shook his head without looking up.
The bed gave slightly as Harry sat down next to him. Neither of them spoke for a while.
“What can I do?” Harry finally whispered into the darkness, as though he weren’t just asking Dale. ‘What do you need?” His face was taut with desperation but his eyes still had a depth of softness that Dale couldn’t imagine being without. Yet, here he was considering never seeing them again.
What did he need? What did Harry need? What was best for the future?
“I need you to stop.”
Harry froze. Dale didn’t raise his voice often, but Harry knew the tone, it was dark and tight with conviction. He was serious.
“Stop trying to fix it. Stop. There is nothing you can do to change this Harry, it’s bigger than both of us.”
“What?”
Dale stood up slowly. If he had turned to look at Harry, he would have found a man who looked like he was patiently waiting to drown, holding his breath, hesitantly panicked, vaguely resigned to the inevitable.
Harry shook his head, it was too familiar. He knew what came next, but he couldn’t believe it.
“It can’t be helped. Harry I’ve decided that in the morning...I had better go.”
Harry stood up abruptly, he thought he might throw up, hormones spilling out, nerve endings sparkled and lit up and burned in his lungs. “Hold it together Truman,” he thought, “not yet.”
“You’ve….decided?” he heard himself say.
“It would be the best for both of us.”
“Do you really believe that?”
Dale turned to look at Harry. The scene also seemed familiar to Dale. Picture Harry Truman, behind his desk, offering him coffee, kindness and perspective, a light to cut through the darkness and make him rethink every lie he’d ever dared believe.
Even so he whispered, “Yes,” but now without tone from before.
The air flooded into Harry’s grateful lungs. Not yet. They weren’t done yet. Instinctively, Harry started to reach to pull him close, but he remembered how that went earlier. “Is it alright if I…”
Dale looked at him confused, then saw Harry’s arm extended toward him and nodded vigorously. Soon Dale was gently wrapped up by Harry's firm embrace, giving him the stability he needed to let go.
The words muffled into Harry's shirt, “I just can’t…stay...I need...I have to..”
“Shh. You don’t have to do anything right now. It’s ok.”
“It’s not. I’m so sorry. It's not safe, I can’t...Harry. I’m sorry....It's just not...it's too dangerous...it's too….too”
“Alright. Ok. What’s not safe Darlin?
“Us. Me. I’m….you’re not safe. Not with me….not from me….no…..I can’t stay. It's not…”
Harry felt him shake his head back and forth on his chest.
“I see.” He didn’t say anything else, he just rubbed his back and let Dale be upset.
“Well, I don’t think it’s very safe to be going anywhere in your condition, do you?”
Dale moved his head slightly, which Harry took as a no.
“Alright then, I think we had better just wait on that one then, ok?”
Together, they shuffled back to the bed.
Underneath his hands, Harry felt Dale’s breathing settle into an uneven shudder as they sat.
“I’m sorry about dinner.”
"What?”
“I ruined dinner”
“Oh...no that’s, that’s fine Dale.”
He lifted Dale’s chin away from his chest, so he could get a better look at him. He looked just as pink and wet as when he got out of that bathtub.
“Darlin’, what am I gonna do with you? Hmm?”
Dale looked away from him into the darkness. His head felt thick, heavy and loud. He shook it back and forth, as if to settle his thoughts or get them out, but it didn’t help. He covered his eyes and sighed.
Harry stifled a yawn and brought the blanket slowly around Dale’s shoulders. It had been a long week for him if he was honest, especially without Dale. Hawk was usually the first to comment on it, when Harry was burning the candle at both ends.
“Coop’s out of town, eh?” he’d smirk, “You may as well be sleeping here.”
For a man who liked his bouts of solitude, Harry had become accustom to Coop’s frequent one sided conversations with Diane and a number of other peculiarities that filled the cabin with noise and joys he previously hadn’t conceived of. Without Dale, the house was just too darn quiet. And now he was thinking about leaving for good.
“Harry, it’s fine,” Dale whispered, “You’re tired, and I’m just being overdramatic.”
“Can’t put one passed Coop,” he thought and let the sleepiness creep into his voice and soften the panic that still lingered there.
“Darlin, I ain’t restin til you and I get to the bottom of this.”
Dale looked up at him slowly from behind his hands. Harry was being sweet but he could tell he meant it. He hadn’t really looked at him properly since he came home, he almost wished he had left it that way. Now, looking at his own Harry Truman with his loving tired eyes, ready to stay up all night with him if that’s what it took, he felt the words pull away from him, and for a minute it was quiet and there was peace.
He tried to open his mouth to tell him it was alright, or to sleep but he couldn’t. The words weren’t gone, they were somewhere in him, building. They were burning in the back of this throat from the salt and heat of his face. Ready to burn Harry up too, to drag them apart.
“What’s going on? I wish you'd tell me.”
“Harry, it’s just too much,” the words started to rush out of Dale like he was afraid they would.
“and, if my time at the Bureau has taught me anything; it doesn’t stop. We do so much to keep the evils of this world at bay and still it's not enough. It’s so much more than us! ...Than me.”
He threw his hands down to his sides and gripped the bed sheets underneath him. Harry came into view looking patient, if a bit startled by the outburst.
“Even here Harry! Even a place like this is not immune. It finds you.”
Harry nodded and thought about the woods that surrounded the house and the town, a cradle and a grave. After the last year, he couldn’t argue with that.
“I was a fool for thinking that I had finally, earned it...that I was finally...safe.”
“You are! You are. You’re safe. Why... Why don't you think you're safe?”
“Harry, just by virtue of my being here, I’m putting you in the crosshairs of something larger than us. Thinking of my own comfort and security once again. She was right, it’s only a matter of time.”
“Who was-”
“No, if I’m safe it just means I'm putting you in harm’s way and I can’t have that Harry, not again. I truly wanted to embrace this, all of it, and you…but I see it clearly now. I have to go. Harry, I am very sorry.”
Harry stood up sharply, causing the bed to sway Dale back and forth. The room was just lit enough to feel like it was spinning. He ran his hands through his hair, hoping to steady himself a bit.
Dale watched him pace for a minute and closed his eyes tightly as he continued,
“I need you to know that I have loved every minute of this. It’s been...these last few months…”
Harry could barely hear Dale, there were too many thoughts in his own head and all of them ran together, but one stood out,
“No.”
Harry shook his head, walked over to Dale and kneeled at his feet. He grasped at his hands and worked them over and over in his own. A desperate attempt at repentance for whatever he could have done to prevent this. Dale looked away, but Harry brought his cheek back toward himself gently. “No. I know I said I’d hear you out but please…please don’t do this.”
“Harry, it’s the only way I can be sure.”
“Darlin, I worry too. Every time you’re away, in the back of my mind I wonder if it's the last time I’m going to see you but -
“All the more reason Harry! I don’t need to put you through that. It might be a losing battle but if it means one more person’s safe then I don’t mind putting myself at risk Harry. But that doesn’t mean I can gamble with your life! It will hurt for a while but it’s better this way. I don’t mind being alone.”
“Excuse me for saying so Coop, but that’s bullshit.”
“...Harry?”
“That’s what you’re used to, but it doesn't have to be that way. Not anymore.” He squeezed Dale’s hands tighter now and slowly brought them to his lips.
“Now, the way I see it, we’re both in that same fight, and it’s hard but that’s our lot. What we do is important, even if it doesn’t do much. If no one was trying at all, where would we be? If all those people you’re fightin’ for, get to feel safe, why can’t you?”
Dale’s eyes searched Harry’s face in a pleading way. His lips started to say, “Because…”
It occurred to Harry suddenly that Dale had an answer for this. He knew exactly why he didn’t deserve it, he had a list.
Harry straightened his back and slowly brought himself to his feet.
“Dale, you are allowed to feel safe.”
Dale looked down and away.
“Hey,” Harry placed his hand on Dale’s chin but didn’t move him or make him meet his gaze. Instead, his thumb brushed his skin lightly now and again. Dale was completely quiet but Harry felt his palm become slightly damp. He carefully wiped Dale’s cheek.
“You’re allowed to be loved.”
Harry’s hands moved through Dale’s hair, still wet from the bath. Finally, Dale looked up at him.
“And Dale Cooper you’re so loved. I love you so much. I do.”
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Dale.
“I love you,” he whispered, “please stay.”
Dale could feel Harry’s breath on his neck as they settled into each other. Every murmur seemed to continue to say “please,” to the point where Dale couldn’t tell if he was imagining it or hearing it out loud.
It was the simplest thing Harry could say. There was no compelling argument, just a statement. Dale didn’t understand why it was all he needed to hear.
A familiar scene, picture Harry Truman, a light in the darkness, calling him home.
“Alright Harry. Alright.”
-----
The quiet of the redwood forest surrounded them and they separated from a kiss.
Dale looked into eyes he knew so well and smiled. Everything from now on would be ok.
Why had he been so worried?
“Are you alright?” Caroline asked.
“Hm? Yes...just fine.” Dale shook off a distant memory and smiled at her again.
She was here, everything would be fine.
“Where are you always going Dale Cooper?” She smirked at him, “Here take my hand so you don’t float away.”
He laughed, “Alright.”
“C’mon, I want to show you something.” Through the trees, a mountain range began to open up in front of them.
“Oh Caroline.” Dale whispered, awestruck.
“C’mon,” She pulled him gently forward. Ahead there was a table, like the ones at the roadhouse, that was set with arguably too much food. A man with curly hair sat there quietly.
He didn’t look up at him when they approached, but he had a smile for Caroline.
It was kind and wide.
“Do you know him?” Caroline gestured to the man.
The man turned to Dale and gave him a perplexed look. His eyes were deep and clear, and they too, were kind. There was something else, a patience, he was waiting for something.
Dale couldn’t help but smile at him, but the man didn’t smile back, he continued to study Dale’s face.
“No, I, I don’t think I do.” Dale said, finding it hard to look away from him.
“Oh, no?” Caroline squeezed the man’s shoulders and sat to the left of him, leaving a chair between them for Dale.
“Should I?
Caroline smiled and looked at both of them, “It’s so beautiful.”
“What is?” Dale asked.
“You are.” The man spoke suddenly, looked Dale and smiled a little. Not the same smile he gave Caroline, this one was more hesitant, nervous, pleading.
Dale felt his throat pull tight, “but I don’t know you.”
The man’s face fell and he looked down quietly. “Oh.”
“Oh Dale, the mountains.” Caroline gestured to the view in front of them. “I’ve never seen them like this before.” Then she looked back at Dale and the man, “It’s like I’m seeing them for the first time.”
Dale looked out at the mountains and frowned. “They seem cold.” He looked at the man again, trying to catch his eye, but the man turned away from him.
“I don’t know, to me they seem so lively, like a home.
Dale looked up confused, “I thought…..I thought they were lonely.”
“Who said that?”
“You did!”
Caroline laughed sweetly, “I don’t remember saying that.”
Dale blinked a few times, trying to understand, “Maybe it was someone else….you say so many fantastic things,” he sighed, “I’m very tired. I don’t know why…”
The man looked up, concerned, and held Dale’s hand.
“Look at the birds, look at them roost and all the things growing. I think, who ever makes it up there, must be really tough, and have worked very hard in their life to be able to stay there. The ones who have endured, need a place to rest. Somewhere sturdy, somewhere safe, where only few dare to go. I think that’s wonderful. You have always been like that, right?”
“Like?”
“Like the mountain. You’ve always had your head in the clouds,” She giggled, “is that corny?”
Coop smiled with all of his cheeks, “A little….I guess it's true.”
“You were so far away, sometimes I wondered if I’d ever reach you and then there we were and it was so beautiful. The view was beautiful. Mountains are for those who work hard, and have worked hard. They are ready to conquer, to climb, to aspire. They can truly love the mountain and the view is spectacular.”
She paused for a moment and smiled to herself, ”I loved that. I wish I had a chance to take it all in. Did you know that?””
“No...I didn’t.” His eyes glossed over with tears suddenly. The man squeezed his hand tight and let go and Caroline’s hand took its place.
“It is...so good to see you Dale. I wish I could say what you needed to hear but I think someone else has words for you now.” She got up from the table and placed her hands on the man’s shoulders. “You don’t have to be alone.”
The man looked up at her peacefully as she began to examine the roughness and calluses of his hands.
“Let them work for you, let them try to reach you. Let the ones who work for it, have their reward.” She placed the man’s hands on Dale’s, “If you deny them, then you’ll be alone, and maybe that’s just as well.”
“Caroline?” Dale asked, his throat tightened as the man’s hand tightened around his own, “Caroline, wait.”
The sun rose behind her, behind the mountains. He was warm, his hands, the tears down his face, as he watched a smile light up a face he knew so well and would never see again.
“I wish you could see what I see,” she said looking at the two of them, “The view from the top, is spectacular.”
---
There was a sensation of floating as Dale opened his eyes.
Slowly, sounds filled in pictures in the dark. Breathing that wasn’t his own, Harry’s, the dogs’, the house, the town, all sighing gently together in the night. Each breath added to his buoyancy and before his eyes could adjust, he had lifted himself from the blankets and shuffled into the living room. From the middle of the house he could hear the rhythmic patter of rain. From the front door, the land around their house looked slick and rich, like it had been doused in oil.
The driveway still seemed to Dale longer than he remembered but in a way where he couldn’t imagine leaving.
“Please stay.” He heard Harry’s voice in back of his mind.
He rolled up his sleeve and reached out into the night. Rain poured over his fingers and ran down his elbow. Cold, electric, disconnected from the rest of his body. He let his arm come back to his side and locked the door behind him as he walked back into the bedroom.
There was enough light in the darkness that Dale could see the sheets rise and fall over Harry Truman, snoring heavily now from tears and exhaustion. Dale frowned and leaned over to rub Harry’s chest. He sighed deeply and rolled onto his side toward Dale.
The rain had left his arm aching but Harry was warm and he reached out to stroke his cheek. The muscles in his body loosened and shifted in approval.
Dale looked at his hand and thought of the rain enveloping the house.
Their home was dry and safe. They were underwater and yet, he could finally catch his breath.
Dale smiled to himself slowly, “Spectacular.”