Chapter Text
For the past few hours Ashlyn had found herself pacing in this small hospital waiting room, anticipating the moment that she would get to meet one of her teammate’s new baby. Throughout the day a few of the other teammates who were nearby were showing up as they could. It was always great to see old yet familiar faces and although time had passed, it was amazing how deep their friendships still were. The fact that some of them could take time out of their busy schedules to come was a testament to that. It at least brought a smile to her face, something that she hadn’t felt in a while.
But she could tell in their eyes that they felt pity towards her and she hated that. They all knew better than to ask about her or to bring up anything related. She had no more answers than she did the last time they asked her for an update. She still hadn’t heard from Ali and still didn’t know where she was or what she was doing.
Ashlyn rested her arm against the windowpane as her eyes gazed over the parking lot below, not really focusing on anything in particular. She was tired and had been for the better part of that year. She yawned heavily while rubbing her eyes.
Every since Ali left her over almost a year ago, it was harder at some moments more than others to feel happy or at least feel normal. Like right now, seeing a fresh, new baby come into the world. Just a few years ago she was dreaming of this moment happening for her and Ali at some point. But now it was hard when her heart and her mind were reminded of what she had lost. The pain was always a reminder of the still broken state of her heart. She sighed heavily. She does that a lot these days.
No, she wasn’t much closer to being over Ali than she was months ago. By this point, she didn’t expect anything to change much. She had loved, and still loves, Ali with all of her heart. She doesn’t know how to change that. She doesn’t know if she wants to know how to change that. Parts of her are thankful that she gave the strongest of her love to Ali that now seems irreversible. She’s thankful because if it had worked out she would have loved her well and nothing would have ever been able to change that. And Ali was worth all of her love, the strongest love that she could give. Tears formed in her eyes and threatened to fall as her mind flashed back to her last day with Ali.
**
She slowly began to stir and stretch her body out after a long night. She quickly opened her eyes when she realized that she was the only body in the bed. There across the room she saw that her beautiful girlfriend was looking out the window, draped in a blanket, with a cup of coffee in hand. How blessed am I to get to love this beautiful woman she thought to herself as she got out of the bed and wrapped her arms around her lover's waist.
As she held her and they stayed like that in silence, Ashlyn could feel that something was wrong. Ali was being quieter than usual and she could tell that she was stuck in her head thinking about something. Not to mention that Ashlyn realized how different, how more intense, their lovemaking was the night before. Ali seemed to be more desperate, to cling more to Ash and there was a look in her eyes that she couldn’t pin down. Ashlyn had just guessed that it had something to do with work and had planned to ask her about it later but now she could feel the tears dropping from the brunette’s face onto her hands as she held her close.
Something was wrong. Deep in the pit of her stomach she could tell. She racked her brain trying to find the warning signs that she should have seen. Maybe she was over-reacting but she couldn’t escape this feeling in her gut.
Not even moments later, Ali sat down her coffee cup on the ledge and turned around. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from the tears. They looked so sad and right then Ashlyn knew that she was right. Something was, indeed, wrong.
The sobs started and Ashlyn’s eyes were filling with tears as well now. Not a word had been spoken but they both knew what was happening. All the fears of previous months came crashing in.
Ali cupped Ashlyn’s face with her shaking hands, as the blanket dropped to the ground exposing her almost naked body. “Please”, she barely choked out,” just kiss me right now Ash.” How could the blonde deny her? Not now, not ever. So she leaned forward, placing her hands on top of Ali’s and kissed her softly, with tears and whimpers and sobs mixed in. It was soft but it felt desperate like the night before. Ali’s lips started to beg for more of her but before she knew what she was doing, the keeper had turned her face leaving Ali’s lips denied. An audible sob escaped the brunette’s mouth. Her hands fell to her side in defeat.
‘Talk to me, Al’ she whispered as she closed her eyes. They hadn't moved an inch; their faces were still pressed close together. The defender still shaking and sobbing grabbed the back of her neck and begged into her ear, “just hold me Ash, please. Just hold me.” And with that Ashlyn slammed their bodies together as her strong arms wrapped around them bringing them as close as possible. Her grip was as tight as it could be. They could feel the rise and fall of each other’s chest and the shakes and trembles that followed their tears and sobs.
Something inside knew the weight of the moment and didn’t want to let go.
Months before leading up to this moment, Ali had showed her doubts and her hesitations. Rarely were they ever verbal but almost always they were delayed touches after the most intimate moments or darted eyes when asked about their future. Her fear was portrayed in a thousand little actions that Ashlyn’s heart ached to see. It was obvious that there was a battle raging within her. Ali was terrified of being out and a few times she had said that she wasn’t ready. “Ready for what?” Ashlyn would ask, as gentle as possible. Most of the time Ali would stare at the floor and mumble something along the lines of “this” or “I-don’t-know”.
Ashlyn felt her heart sink. Was this really happening? Is Ali giving up on them? she thought, dreading the answers to those questions.
Still in the tightest embrace, Ali cleared her throat as she tried to prepare herself to say the necessary words. “Ash,” she whispered, “I can’t---I don’t—“ she started but couldn’t finish as the tears flooded and the sobs began again. “Shh….I’m here Ali. Say whatever you have to say. I’m listening.” Ash said as she rubbed circles on the other woman’s back, knowing that she was welcoming in what she had feared most.
She cleared her throat and tried again, “Ash, I’m not ready for this. I mean, I’m not ready for us….for us to be serious. You deserve better. I--,” she was fighting back the tears as they flooded her face and Ashlyn’s shoulder, “I love you so much but I can’t do this. I – I just can’t. I need you to let me go. Ash, I need you to give me space to figure things out.” And as she said those words Ashlyn knew in that moment her heart would never recover from this. When the words started to sink in, Ashlyn let go and stepped back. Her eyes fixed on the ground as she tried to compose herself. Everything inside of her was falling apart but she knew that she couldn’t just run out of the room and away from Ali. She had to say one last thing. Her gaze lifted to see a weeping Ali and she willed her heart to be strong for just a few moments longer. “I could never say no to you Al. I will always love you. If you need space, you can have that too. I-I’m,” and she struggled to say this last bit, “I’m sorry if I’ve ever hurt you or rushed you in all of this. I just want you to be happy and I thought that I could bring that into your life.” And as those final words left her mouth, she leaned forward and placed a soft and tender kiss on the defender’s cheek before whispering, “Goodbye, Alex.”
Ali didn’t try to contain her tears as she leaned back against the wall and slid her body down, letting her face fall into her hands. All the while Ashlyn was choking back the sobs forming in her throat as she gathered her clothes, slipping into her sweat pants and finding her phone and keys quickly before leaving the room. She had to pull over a few blocks away from their apartment when the pain was too unbearable. She had let the woman that she had loved the most go and she didn’t know where to go from there.
**
Ashlyn wiped away the tears that had fallen down her cheeks and tried to clear her throat. She rubbed the back of her neck trying to clear her mind. That memory always haunted her and even though it had been over a year since, it still felt like it was only yesterday. As the time had passed, Ali had moved away and they had stopped all forms of communication. If space is what she needed, Ashlyn thought, space is definitely what she got. But she wasn’t bitter, just broken. She still loved Ali and wanted the best for her, even if that didn’t include her anymore. She had at least come to terms with that part of this whole ordeal. Not a word from her had made her realize that maybe there wasn’t going to be another try at their relationship. Coming to grips with that was more than she thought she could ever bear.
“Harris, want anything from Starbucks?” Rampone yelled out causing the blonde to turn around, remembering that she wasn’t the only one there. “No, I’m good. Thanks Mom!” Ashlyn joked and the rest of their teammates in the room smiled at the banter and the nickname.
She turned back around to look out the window and to once again bury herself in her thoughts. This time she actually looked at the cars below and saw kids at the nearby park. Doesn’t look like this baby is coming any time soon. Maybe I’ll go take a walk out there to get some fresh air, she thought to herself. Before she decided on anything, she heard someone clear their throat behind her. “I hoped that you would be here today,” they said, their voice laced with a slight German accent.
Ashlyn’s heart nearly stopped as she recognized the familiar voice of the woman who had broken her heart.