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Bag End, Bilbo reflected, had been built for his mother. No one in the Shire had actually expected the Old Took’s youngest daughter to marry (run off with) a Baggins—they were stolid, steady, and entirely predictable. And yet Belladonna had said, “Build me a castle to the sky” and Bungo Baggins had looked at her and said “I will do that”.
Bag End did not reach the sky (filled with fire and smoke).
(you will shine like the sun in the sky radiant as the morning) (your hair shines like gold)
Bilbo stirred his tea viciously. The clock struck four.
Bag End was not a castle, he had seen castles (palaces) (mountains) and they were grand and inspiring, not round little knobs and piles of porcelain (tunnels deep beneath the earth). Bungo had not listened.
(what would do i need with all this gold gems) (stone)
(the heart of the mountain the heart of the king)
Belladonna had been a wild thing. She knew the songs of the elves, she had sung them to Bilbo; she knew the names of the stars and had traced the constellations with Bilbo’s small fingers; she knew wizards (that i should be good-morninged by belladonna took’s son) and had adventured (of course she had she was a took) and then—
She married a Baggins. Bilbo ‘s knuckles were white. It was ten minutes past four.
Bagginses were sensible and entirely respectable and never did anything unexpected.
(you will stand besides me will you stand beside me you will stand)
(you traitor)
Why had she married him? He was nothing like her nothing at all (an exiled king the weight of his mountain bowing his back) (this is not his story) absolutely nothing. She was beautiful and wild and he had bound her down into the earth. She had loved the stars but his halls were covered in grass and hemmed in soil (that’s what they do they take you below and you can never leave).
(do you want to)
Bilbo checked on the soup gurgling in a cast-iron pot. It was thick and hearty, with pork bones and beans shifting through liquid that clung to his spoons like a (coat lined in grey fur thrown around his shoulders as he sneezed) (here take it) (burglar) (what else would you have taken from me) like a like a
His spoon trembled. The soup (stew) (what tastes like beef) bubbled thickly. Bilbo swallowed.
Bungo had destroyed her, he thought savagely. She wouldn’t have died (broken on a battlefield please forgive me) (forgive me) if she could have seen the stars or felt the wind on her face heard the trees rustle and whisper to each other. If she could have seen the sky—
He put his head in his hands. It was now four twenty.
There was a knock on the door.
Bilbo’s head jerked up and around. He stumbled to his feet, his hands twisting in his pocket (my precious) (my darling) (dear heart please). He caught himself in the hall. The air seemed to stick in his lungs.
(please)
Hamfast Gamgee stood in the doorway, his wide honest face twisted (traitor traitor traitor) in concern.
“Are you all right Mr. Baggins? Only I heard a terrible ruckus going on in there?”
(breathe breathe)
“I’m fine” (you filthy liar liar liar) “What . . . ah . . . what can I do for you, Ham?”
“I thought you might want to come out and see your tomatoes,” he said. “They’re at the peak and you . . . well, you always liked them before. . . . .
(before yes before i went mad) (before i ran off into the blue) (before i was ruined by a voice like thunder) (before)
“. . . . And you haven’t seen to them lately, or, well, much in the garden, to be frank, and them tomatoes are particularly good this year, if I do say so myself, and I only thought. . . .
(my mother had a garden) (underground she did not you liar) (filthy liar) (you could have one we would build you a garden to rival any in the shire) (a garden of gold the gems of the earth are far greater then the impermanence) (impermanence) (of flowers)
“. . . .Well, it might be good for you to get out, you know. Begging your pardon.” Ham eyed Bilbo warily (there’s danger in his brow he looks at you like he looks at his gold).
“Quite,” Bilbo took in a breath. “Quite right too. I do apologize, Hamfast, I have not been myself.
(you left yourself in a grave) (buried by a battlefield)
“I’ll join you in a moment, I think. I just need to,” Bilbo paused, “Put my dishes away.”
(bend the forks smash the corks bilbo baggins hates) (why do you look at the gold so) (you hate the treasure of my people) (you hate me)
Bilbo ducked into the kitchen and held onto the edges of the sink.
Bungo—Bungo had died six months after Belladonna (a broken heart). Bungo had loved Belladonna (i love you) (i have never been so wrong in all my life) (i knew you would come) (if more people were like you). The Shire said he had died of an infection in his lungs (in his heart), but the Shire said many things.
(mad baggins) (it is gold madness) (that fire in their eyes) (my eyes) (his eyes)
(blue eyes)
(i loved his eyes)
(everyone i love dies)
Bilbo rubbed furiously at his eyes. Enough of this, he thought sternly, his face screwed up. You are a Baggins of Bag End.
Bag End was built with love. It was not a castle to the sky, but the windows opened into emerald green grasses and the view from his bedroom gazed out over the hills of the Shire, and in the distance, a line of trees, a forest where elves wandered.
(you have no honor)
Belladonna had loved Bag End. She had loved Bungo (he destroyed her) (love destroyed her). She had died.
She had loved.
(i would give you my world) (my love)
The mug (westfarthing) slipped from his fingers. Bilbo sagged against the wood of his table. The mug crashed on the floor.
(piles of gold crashing down) (burying him alive) (burying them all)
“You idiot,” he snarled, diamond-white anger burning bright. “You exasperating—arrogant—“
He grasped his arms, holding himself tightly. His breath came short and fast. The ground beneath his feet was falling away (there’s nothing there nothing underneath him just pebbles falling down down and murder in his eyes). He was falling—
“No,” Bilbo said hoarsely. “I am a Baggins of Bag End.”
(i can’t just go running off into the blue)
(blue eyes)
His father had loved his wild wild mother with every part of his being, and had faded when she died. His mother had stared at Bungo Baggins’s neat waistcoats and brass buttons and fallen (in love what can we say). He was a Baggins. He was also a Took.
Bilbo walked to the front door and eased it open. The sun was bright and high in the sky, and it cast his shadow, long and lean (stretched), behind him. He blinked at the bright light.
(a hole in the ground)
(a castle to the sky)
(the lonely mountain)
(i was so very lonely) (and then i met you) (all of you)
(i am still lonely)
“My word,” Bilbo said, “Those tomatoes are stunning.”
Hamfast glanced up at him. His hands were large and brown and strong, caked with dirt and callused from trowels. His smile reached his eyes, half shut against the sun.
“Yessir,” he said, glancing fondly at the plants. “Like rubies, I’d reckon. Beauties.”
“Yes,” Bilbo said. “Rubies.”
He could do this. His father had died, and his mother had died, and (those silly foolish dwarves) (with their smiles) and (thorin) (thorin) and. . . .
He would not die.
(there are more adventures yet)
He was a Baggins and a Took, and yet more than that because he would live (i’ll kill you) he would live.
He reached out a hand. The tomatoes gleamed in the sunlight, red and plump against vivid green leaves. Bilbo plucked one, and sunk his teeth into it. It tasted of summer.
(snow comes after fire)
The wind rustled his hair. He could do this.
“Could use a couple more days, I’d imagine,” he said to Hamfast, nodding absently as he spoke. Bilbo caught the tomato juice dribbling down his chin on his handkerchief (wait we’ve got to go back).
“You reckon?” Hamfast frowned, and then paused. “Yes, think so too. They’ll be ready soon enough.”
“Yes,” Bilbo said. The sun was warm (and i have to go) (the world will be a merrier place). “Soon enough.”
(may your memory never fade)
(fade)