Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my...

 After the counter hits one billion and everyone's left congratulating each other, letting Mark sat alone on his desk (thank god Sean Parker didn't try to hug him longer) the curly-haired boy can't help let his thoughts wander about what just happened. Happy exclamations resonate all over the room but all Mark can hear is the sound of shattered laptop and Eduardo's yell. No matter how hard he tries, the face his best friend -well, former best friend now- made while saying all these thing ( among which You better lawyer up asshole) won't leave his head.

Mark is pretty sure it's the angriest he has ever seen Eduardo. Wait, scratch that, it actually isn't. Wardo has been that angry once. But it was for Mark, and not because of something he did.

It occurred during their freshmen year. He had known Eduardo for a little more than six months at the time, and in his head he had only just been promoted to the « best friend », because, well, it's pretty tough to get under Mark's skin. And, maybe in order to deserve that title, Wardo saved him that very night of the attack of two particularly menacing bullies within the blink of an eye.

He doesn't quite remember how the whole thing happened. Maybe he had insulted someone's girlfriend. Or had been rude to too many people for a too short span of time. Anyway, he was cornered on the way to his dorm by two bulky guys who threatened to hit him if he didn't apologize. Yeah, you would think that people studying in Harvard (supposedly one of the best universities of the world, for god's sake) would try and be a little more imaginative , but apparently that was a bit too much to ask.

Mark forgot what he told them exactly but either way, it must have been considered offensive because one of the two punched him. The blow was softer than expected-after all, this guy had the stature of the Winklevi, so he may have restrained his strength-but it still hurt pretty badly. Mark winced, already thinking to the bruise that would form later on the spot. Anyhow, he sensed that a black eye wasn't going to make him gain any popularity. The two morons merely laughed at the expression on his face and they might have hit him another time if Eduardo hadn't arrived at this precise moment.

Ever the knight in shinning armor thinks now Mark drily, but he knows that back then, he was greatly relieved to see him emerge from a corner, probably on his way back to Kirkland. The Wardo which escaped his mouth sounded just a tiny bit desperate, and Mark hated himself for that. The way Eduardo's head had jumped right away as soon as he heard his voice was surprising in its speediness. In a span of a second, he was right next to them, watching the morons with narrowed eyes and scanning Mark's face. He paled suddenly when he saw the bruise and clenched both of his fists.

On any other person, Mark would have been able to say without a doubt that something bad was coming. But it was Wardo they were talking about – a guy who never got angry at anyone, even when he had an exhausting day or spent hours fighting over the phone with this father- and Mark had never seen these signs before. That's why curiosity got the better of him at first and he just stood there, motionless, as Eduardo punched the first and the second in a row, way harder than he had himself been punched. Mark was nearly surprised they didn't wobble. It should have been fun, watching his two bullies getting their share, but Mark remembers he had been terrified they would decide to fight back. That's why as soon as he regained the use of his legs, he walked towards Eduardo and placed a tentative hand on his shoulder. His best friend rose his head and stared at him, his eyes still tight with anger. Mark had just stared back, wanting to communicate silently his desire to see him regain his temper. It must have been enough, because Eduardo didn't punch again. Instead he stood right in front of the bullies and said something along the line “Don't you ever think of touching him ever gain” through his clenched teeth. Bulky one and bulky two nodded slowly then fled without further ado. Mark had watched them go with a satisfied smirk.

After that Eduardo, walked him back to Eliott where he obviously had a first-aid kit. Mark didn't protest and even let him babble during all the trip, for once relaxed and not annoyed by the endless chatter of his best friend. He only opened his mouth when they arrived near the dorm, in order to ask him if he didn't think that he had a bit overreacted. What he really wanted to say was that he wasn't Eduardo's damsel in distress, but for one reason or another he didn't voice this precise thought. Maybe it had to do with the fact that against all odds, he had actually appreciated this over protective reaction. It proved that his best friend cared. Of course, the forced-feeding and the repeated « drop your computer and go to bed Mark » over the months might have been clues, but this was proof. More important, it also proved that Eduardo was ready to do almost everything in order to protect him. Mark didn't know at the time-and he still don't now- how he had managed to inspire such a fierce loyalty but to his surprise, he discovered he didn't mind. I can deal with someone genuinely concerned about me he thought at the time. After all, the event of the night had proved that it could be an asset from time to time.

Obviously now, after the whole Sean Parker crap he can definitly see how it can also be problematic.

Anyway, hearing that, Wardo simply shrugged and told him that he didn't think so. He even added that this way, Mark would be sure they wouldn't do it again, which was a perfectly reasonable statement., or a least sounded like it at the time. That's why he had just nodded, and followed Eduardo quietly into his residence.

After Eduardo had took care of this wounds (well, put some ointment on his bruise), they ended up drinking themselves to death in Eduardo's room because it turned out that he had massive booze supply at Eliott- of course he did, since he was never there to drink it-. For once, Wardo even encouraged him to drink, because he had a difficult evening and all that (a near dead experience pointed Mark, and Eduardo simply laughed).

And well, after the fifth shot of vodka and second glass of wishky things became a little blurry. But Mark remembers clearly now that somehow, during the evening he ended up kissing Eduardo. He's not sure why he did it, only that at the moment, it seemed like the right thing. Thinking about it now, Mark supposes that he must have shot him one of his best puppy look. Or maybe he had laughed at one of his jokes. He always felt a rush of pride when he managed to make his friend laugh, even if it was kind of a regular occurrence. He assumed that seeing Eudardo like this, the corner of his eyes crinkled and his smile even brighter than usual, and knowing that you were the one responsible for it, would have made anyone feel smug.

In any case, Mark didn't resist the impulse to lean in and kiss him . Of course, it was a bit messy and awkward at first -there's a reason why you shouldn't try and kiss snog people if you're really drunk-, but the important thing was that it didn't felt weird. At least not like kissing-your-best friend should feel. Plus there was the fact, Eduardo actually kissed him back (in a way that suggested he might have been waiting that for a while (for how long, was the real question). Mark's pretty sure he must have tried to get a bit more than just a kiss (again, he was really pissed)., because he's now able to remember Wardo pushed him back eventually, explaining in a soft voice why choosing this particular path now, whereas their thoughts were largely dampened by alcohol and they might not even remember it in the morning was a particularly bad idea. Wardo had always been the most reasonable of the two of them.

Of course, the course of events had proved him right. Because when Mark woke up the following morning, he had a hell of a hangover and no explanation whatsoever of why he was currently lying in Wardo's empty bed.

That certainly wasn't a regular occurrence. It was usually the later who ended up crashing at Kirkland, because Mark was coding or busy doing something else and he was too tired.

Mark eventually rose, his head buzzing in annoyance, and saw the message his best friend had left him on his bedside table (I got to dash, sorry Mark. See you soon. Wardo x – and, scribbled at the very bottom, you fell asleep there, I didn't want to move you. ) Mark read enough this two lines to remember them acutely, even now. There was no reference to the drinking (Eduardo certainly think he could trust Mark's intelligence to deduce it) the encounter with the bullies (well, the bruise was still there, so it was difficult to forget it anyway), or more important to the kissing part. This could have been useful, since Mark didn't remember it at all at the time. He tried very hard to reconstitute the course of the evening, but all he could come up with was flashes (drunken laughter of Eduardo, he falling asleep on his shoulder).

When he eventually got back together the piece from the whole (which took it a great deal of effort and included a thorough search of Wardo's room) it was days later, and by then, Mark didn't have the nerve to broach the topic with Eduardo anymore.

He just couldn't shake the feeling that he had imagined the whole thing. Or maybe just the part where Eduardo kissed him and was pretty good at it. There was also the fact that Wardo never mentioned it either. When Dustin asked why Mark had a black-eye and wasn't there the previous night, Eduardo only chuckled and said that he had again unnerved something bigger than him, and that had been pretty much the end of the story.

Mark knew Wardo usually managed to get girls when he wanted to. Of course, hewasn't a girl and he liked to think that Eduardo saw better in him than in his numerous conquests, but the point was that his best friend was a master in romantic relationship. If he wanted to date Mark he would have proposed him after what had happened this night. If he didn't, that meant he wasn't interested.

Now, Mark kind of regrets that he didn't tempt anything. Not because he thinks that would have changed the course of the events. He's not stupid enough to believe that if Eduardo and him had been together, they could have avoided what just happened.

Eduardo would still have been persuaded that advertising the website was a good idea. He would still have looked obstinately for his own investors in New York. And he would still have hated Sean Parker (maybe even more so).

 (And there's a reason for it. Contrary to Wardo's belief, there wasn't anything personal in their Facebook adventure. Mark has always managed to separate their friendship and their work as co-founders of the website, and for a while he thought that Eduardo's managed that too. That's why even now, a tiny part of him can't help but hope that he'll eventually crawl back and says he understands, like he has always done when he was just Mark's best friend, and not CEO of the Facebook).

 So yeah, the final income would have been pretty much the same.

But now that the opportunity is gone forever, he regrets it anyway. Because he feels that might have been something good, he and Eduardo dating. And Mark Zuckerberg isn't usually one to reject good things when they present to him.

Didn't I, my dear?

Chapter Text

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start

Eduardo liked to consider himself as someone who doesn't regret the choices he makes. He even explained it to Mark once. (“You don't have much benefit in regretting things you can't change anymore. Besides, your past choices are part of what defines you now. It would be foolish to fully regret them.”) His friend just chuckled and said something along the lines of “This is by far the stupidest thing you ever said to me Wardo.”At the time, Eduardo simply thought that this was just the usual cynical Mark speaking, so he didn't take it for himself. But know, he's beginning to wonder if his former best friend was right all along.

Of course, he doesn't reach this conclusion immediately after he slammed (metaphorically speaking) the door of Facebook office. Mainly because at the time, he didn't allow himself to think about what had just happened. First, he walked around in Palo Alto, cursing this bloody city and silently insulting Mark Zuckerberg in the three languages he can muster : English, Portuguese, and a hint of Spanish. He ended up in a noisy bar, talking to a girl who unfortunately looked a bit too much like Christy. She was very patient, listening him rant for almost two hours while he explained at great length why his former best friend was the biggest jerk on earth. According to her body language, she was also physically attracted to him. (In a way, it made sense. Nobody is willing to hear a stranger complain of his life for that long, unless they're hoping to get laid). Eduardo considered the thought of spending the night with her, but he dismissed it pretty quickly. Even if he was really angry, he could tell that a one-night stand with someone who made him think of his ex crazy girlfriend wasn't what he needed to lighten his mood. “What you do need is a law suit” whispered a little voice in the back of his head. He pushed it away. Not now, not yet.

Anyway, that's why he ended up alone staring at the ceiling in his hotel bed. There is a bit of moisture on it. He's kind of regretting he didn't choose something more fancy. His money could have been of use, for once.

Just as he rolls over to avoid seeing it, the memory of his altercation with Mark rushes of all a sudden. He feels shame creeping in when he remembers the way Sean Parker (paranoid, against the system, afraid of everything wearing a uniform Sean bloody Parker) called for the guards, as if he was a spoiled child trowing a tantrum. At this hour, he can't determine whether it's the anger or the humiliation which hurts most. He's able to tell however, that he's got the infuriating feeling he's screwed up something big in the last couple of years, something he'd definitely like to fix now.

 That doesn't mean he knows what he's supposed to regret. He just knows he would do anything to avoid the pain currently ripping his chest open.

Maybe he has to regret meeting Mark in the first place. He remembers very well how it happened. It was at one of these stupid Alpha Epsilon Pi parties. Dustin introduced them, because he was the one who knew Eduardo right from the beginning . They had met each other on the day they arrived to Harvard, because they had both took the same train (thinking about it, Dustin may be the first Harvard-related person Eduardo talked to.)

Ok, so this could mean he has to regret meeting Dustin as well, but he's kinda sure that's impossible. He has always liked Dustin. Not in the way he liked Mark, of course, but still. Dustin was nice, and fun too. It was someone with whom it was easy to spend the night drinking and saying stupidities. And well, with Mark, nothing was really that simple. Of course, now Eduardo is supposed to hate Dusting along with everything facebook-related but he know that's not really going to happen. The only one he blames on this is Mark. And Sean Parker of course, because Sean Parker is the second biggest jerk on earth. Dustin, Chris were just piece from the whole. They're not responsible. And they're not going to side along with Eduardo and quit the company or anything like that, because they fit in and there's no reason why they should leave. Eduardo understands it, he's not stupid.

 (No matter what Mark's opinion on the subject is.)

 Anyway, Dustin had been the one to introduce them. It hadn't really clicked right away. Of course, Eduardo immediately saw that Mark was brilliant, but he still thought that he was pretty rude and self concerned. Not exactly best-friend material. And Mark...well he acted liked he couldn't care less who Eduardo was. Months later, he explained to him that he didn't see what could possibly be interesting in someone like him. When Eduardo frowned, he just said with a smile “Come on Wardo, at first glance you don't exactly seem to be the sharpest pen in the box. EC major, clever suit, hair and all that” .

Anyway, it took them a while to get on well. After the first awkward introduction, Eduardo soon realized that he actually shared a few classes with the boys and that mathematics being one of them. So he ended up sitting next to him once, because he was late and his usual front-row seat had been taken. It was all it took. During these two hours, they both discovered that they were way more interesting than they had originally thought. Mark realized with a start that Eduardo was actually very good at something interesting (mathematics). And Eduardo found out that beyond all the undeniable arrogance, there were someone lacking fundamental social cues, aware of it and genuinely not giving a fuck. Truth be told, Mark's snaky comments and his wittiness helped him to won Eduardo a little- he managed to make him laugh during the best of the two hours. But what really got Eduardo was the way he pointedly rose his eyebrows every time he heard something he found tragically stupid.

Mark was a refreshingly honest person who didn't care about social convention- it seemed exactly what Eduardo needed at the time.

After that Eduardo begun hanging out with him more and more often. First after and during math class ,and then at Kirkland at the end of the day or during their free hours. Eduardo couldn't pit-point the exact moment he and Mark really became friends- when beyond funny email exchanged at three pm, endless hours spent at Kirkland sitting next to Mark and talking animatedly about pretty much everything, or just appreciating Chris and Dustin's idle about video games, something stronger appeared. Maybe it occurred a bit after Mark began to call him Wardo. First time it happened, Dustin made doe eyes and cooed a little. Mark glared at him and shrugged, saying to none in particular “It's just a convenient nickname. His name is ridiculously long to pronounce, and I'm all about efficiency”. And Eduardo didn't say anything, but he had this rush of heat in his chest. The feeling never really fade over the years. Because beyond the simple choice of a nickname (which was pretty nice- so much that it soon because Eduardo's officially one), Wardo meant acceptation from Mark. Affection, even. Two things Eduardo knew most people considered impossible to draw from the boy. In a way, it made him feel so damn proud.

Of course, if one think about it a little, their friendship seems to be the problem-the only real thing he has to regret. The reason why he ended up he in this precise situation, got left behind as Mark so elegantly put it, was that Eduardo and he were friends and he trusted him.

But deep down, he knows that it can't explain it all. A casual friendship, the kind Eduardo had with numerous people in high school, or even the sincere best buddy thing than Christ and Dustin share could never have lead to this. This friendship-the way Eduardo feel (or felt, rather) for Mark- is of an other kind entirely. Eduardo is aware that for two years, his life has literately revolved around his former best friend.

Obviously, he knew he could never hope the same from Mark, but there was this time when the curly-haired boy had created Coursematch and showed it to him. He remembers Mark's enthusiasm, and his too, when he had realized this meant they could spend more time together and stop to wait endlessly for one another. He remembers saying it to Mark, as well as the way his best-friend frowned while answering painfully slowly, as if Eduardo was a complete retard - “That's the reason I thought about it in the first place, you idiot.” He remembered having laughed, and classified this conversation as actual proof that Mark cared.

If he's being really, really honest with himself, he recognizes this kind of deep-rooted friendship can be described by one precise word. It is (it was, he corrects himself firmly) love. Truth be told, Eduardo has already reached this particular conclusion a long time away. But he had been very careful to avoid this particular train of thought. Because it was easier. Because he was so scared by this unwanted emotion. Falling for his male best friend (and really, Eduardo had always considered himself as straight without hesitation before Mark) was hard enough experience without the best friend in question the guy on earth who cared the less about emotions.

Once again, Eduardo would be at loss if he were asked to decide when exactly his feelings towards Mark became more than strictly platonic. Like the best-friend thing, it wasn't exactly a sudden life-changing revelation-more of a slow, step-by-step realization. Of course, he could mention among theses steps the night he rescued Mark from two bullies and ended up kissing him in the process-or more exactly returning Mark's attempt at kissing. Eduardo was aware than snogging wasn't really considered as a normal activity for two straight friends. But weirdly the kissing part wasn't what he remembers best. He's however able to recall himself with an acute precision the blinding anger that took him at the moment he saw Mark threatened. His heartbeat suddenly fastened and he was filled with the sudden urge to hit the two boys again and again, long and hard enough to dissuade them of ever thinking to do it again. The only reason he managed to repress it after the first blow was the way Mark looked at him with concerned eyes- as if to say “Don't push it too much, Wardo.”. That, and the fact the two morons had actually left without further ado.

Eduardo didn't get angry easily-Mark had understood it pretty quickly and used it at his own good-, but when he was, his rage turned him into into a violent and unpredictable person. These fits usually left him exhausted and he was relieved they didn't happen more often. Really, before this episode, it hadn't occurred once since high school. The fact that his encounter drew this particular reaction from him meant that he already cared a lot more about Mark than he ought too.

That's why it sounded way more meaningful than the snogging part. The kiss itself may very well be only one of Mark's drunkard's eccentricities. After all, on a night he and Dustin were particularly wasted, they had decided it would be a good idea to try to build a small drone. (Of course, it proved to be a total failure- it's hard to conceive this sort of thing when you're totally pissed.)

Mark probably didn't even remember this kiss- if he did, he would have brought it up then or later. Embarrassment or shame didn't sound like him. That, or he didn't considered the fact important enough to be worth mentioning. Either way, it meant that he wasn't particularly ready on starting this sort of relation with him. Eduardo couldn't say he was either, at the moment or ever.

Because seriously, if he must regret something, not engaging in a romantic relationship with Mark is definitely not one of them. Eduardo doesn't even want to imagine how he would feel right now if he had. The betrayal of his best friend -and it's there, right at this moment, that he finally realizes with a start that this is all this years-long friendship is going to leave to him, former happy memories now painful to recall and a blinding rage every time he thinks of Mark's face- is painful enough.

For the first time since he was seventeen and realized he could never content his father, Eduardo clutches his pillow and allows himself to cry.

Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head