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After stretching tall and giving a long and satisfied sigh, Riko looks in the drawers and closet in search for the clothes to wear to go out today. He rubs his eyes and rummages through, thinking about his plans of the usual schedule of class and work. His thoughts starts to stray aside to think of his girlfriend, wondering how she’s doing since her schedule required her to be up earlier than him. With his plans in mind, Riko picks out his favourite outfit, a simple loose tee, flannel and some sweatpants, and starts to undress out of his comfortable pyjamas.
Out of habit, Riko reaches over towards his chest binders, but stops himself midway. Sighing, he puts aside the chest binder he’s grown so used to wearing.
The particular binder he had was quite old by now, to the point where it became too tight since he had purchased it when he was in high school. At the time, it gave him a large confidence boost, and made him feel more comfortable. But it started giving him trouble breathing, and some bruising appeared around his chest; common signs of a chest binder becoming too tight. Riko was a growing man, after all. He still needed time to order one online, and even then he would still have to wait for the package. After years of wearing something that made him feel more comfortable and closer to his ideal self, not being able to bind made him rather nervous.
Even though Riko had done as much as he could to be the man he truly was: cutting his hair, binding his chest, and dressing the way he wanted, there was always this longing, desperate feeling to truly 'pass', through any means necessary. He felt so grateful to get a chest binder, but he thought it was the only part of him that made him more like a guy. The current situation he was in was enough to get him a binder, and wearing it was one step closer to look like the man he always wanted to be. Not being able to bind anymore felt like he was going backwards, back to being someone that he’s not, back to feeling like he was wrong.
Riko shakes his head, feeling those thoughts coming back again. Riko knew that the last thing he wanted today was a looming, dreading pit in his stomach, and he knew for sure that he didn't want those feelings to compound with the anxiety over not binding. Riko goes back to getting ready for the usual day and heads out.
Riko quickly texts Yo that he was about to head back to their home from the day, adding in a couple of gay hearts. Hands in pockets, he weaves through the crowd of people, following the same path he always took while listening to his favourite albums. He looks above the crowd, seeing the large bright ads that hung over. His brow furrows a little, thinking how workers must’ve changed the sign from a movie screening to a brand clothing store.
His slows his walk to the side of the street, and moves his gaze over to the ads of dashing models in stylish clothing. Riko’s eyes slowly stop over to look at the men, and takes time to really study it. He takes in the shape and form, notices the details of the muscles and hair and the sharper features they have.
Those feelings started to set in again.
Riko quickly walks away from the bright signs, clearing his throat; refusing to look up to see people’s faces.
The feeling he has was all too familiar, but it was something that he hated the most.
He first felt it while back in highschool, being with Aqours and all, he noticed it by wearing his usual clothes back then. He just saw himself wearing the uniform, and felt extremely off. It didn’t feel right. The costumes for the group were almost salt to a wound, to the point where he just had to ask Yo and Ruby to make the skirt or dress longer or even asking if he has to wear one in the first place.
Riko pulled the flannel, trying to get it to cover up his body as much as he could. He felt as if he was too exposed, and everyone was looking at him and judging him because he was wrong.
Riko finally reaches his and Yo’s apartment, fumbling with the keys and lock and accidentally slams the door shut a bit too hard. Lazily dropping his bag and taking off his shoes, he stumbles to the bedroom and flops down face first and groans. The feeling was still in the back of his mind, and it felt as if it wasn’t going to go away soon.
Riko adjusts himself on the bed, and pulls the cover over him, attempting to separate himself from the rest of the world. Riko tries his best to think of other things but the billowing anger and pain in his gut only lead to a worse sense of dread.
He puts his hands to the sides of his face, ‘I look nothing like them.’ Riko thought. He curls up wrapping the blanket a bit tighter, ‘I look absolutely nothing like them,’ and sighs once more, ‘I don’t look like a guy.’ Riko’s mind puts up more images of men that society shows in the media, recoiling in disgust with himself more and more under the covers.
‘Sharp face, strong muscles, sturdy figure, I’m not like that at all!! I don’t have those features, I have a stupid round and soft face, stupid hips, stupid chest, stupid dainty figure, stupid voice, stupid, stupid, stupid!!!’ Riko feels his knees close to his scrunched up face, with his eyes shut tight and clenched teeth. He moves his hands up to his hair and tugs hard but not enough to hurt too bad.
‘I don’t know what to do anymore. It doesn’t feel good anymore, I feel like a joke.’ Riko’s thoughts were screaming and yelling at him, nitpicking everything he was insecure about, and he didn’t know what else to do but listen to its harsh words,
‘Your hair is too feminine looking, and it’s getting longer. Aren’t you going to cut it? Or are you going back to who you’re supposed to be all along? Your face is too soft and round to look anything like a guy.You’re never gonna get that kind of body, it’s hopeless to go from this frail figure to a completely different figure. Hell, all of your features look so unattractive and ugly, even as a girl.’ Riko had never felt so hopeless before.
His breathing gets louder and all of his muscles get so tense. ‘I don’t look good enough as anything.’ Riko finally lets his tears fall, trying hard to stifle his sobs feeling hopelessly out of place. The only thoughts that seemed to stick in his mind were scathing, vile comments; on how he was a screw-up, how different he was. Nothing felt right anymore.
After he felt his tears stop flowing, he slacks his grip and rubbed his eyes. Riko sniffs and rolls over on the bed to a new comfortable position. Quickly checking the time, Riko let his mind and body go numb, and lets his vision blur and darken to rest after a long day.
Riko slowly opens his eyes, adjusting his vision to see himself looking up at the ceiling and not under the covers anymore. Feeling too unmotivated to get up, he blindly reaches for his phone and checks the time. Groaning at the small amount of time that passed, Riko moves his forearm over his eyes and tries to force himself to go to sleep again. He really didn’t want to deal with his life right now.
However, he hears the front door open and a loud energetic yell from his girlfriend, “I’m hoooooome!!” He musters his energy to yell a “welcome back!” but his voice cracks from being raw from crying and sleep. Riko clears his throat and tiredly turns his back towards the door of the bedroom as he hears footsteps coming closer.
“Hey, babe! The gym had some major accident and was closed to have it fixed up, so I’m back early and here to spend extra time with you!” Yo quiets down, looking over at Riko’s useless lump lying in bed, “Do you need some time to yourself, dear?”
Riko takes a second to reply, “... No it’s fine, you can stay, I don’t mind.” Riko hears a soft sigh and feels the bed shift from its new weight.
“Would you like to rant about it? I’m here to listen y’know.” Riko feels a hand be placed on his shoulder, a little startled at the sudden contact but eases himself. The weight on the bed shifts, and Yo is sitting right beside him.
“I just… feel all ‘blech’,” Riko starts, while Yo’s had slowly starts to caress against him in a comforting manner, “Like. Y’know, I just don’t feel like myself.”
“What do you mean by that?” Yo softly asks.
“Like, I feel like-- I don’t feel right.”
Silence hangs over them, and Riko quickly panics at the awkward, heavy mood he put up, “Uh, I-I’m sorry, I’ll get over my slump, sorry--” He felt even more awkward, until Yo interrupts him.
“It’s alright darling, I’m here for you. Would you mind if i cuddled with you?”
Riko shakes his head and feels his girlfriend’s arms wrap around his waist. He felt heavy again, but instead of breaking down, he pushed himself against his girlfriend trying to snuggle closer. Riko’s thoughts of him not looking good enough was always so exhausting, but he tried to suppress another wave of self-hate. He takes a big sigh and closes his eyes.
“You’re really handsome, Riko.”
Riko opens his eyes again, slightly turning his head, “Wh-what?” He felt Yo’s arms wrap tighter around him. “I said, you’re really handsome and you’re the most handsome man I know.”
Riko strains a small chuckle and thought and thought his girlfriend was up to her usual gay antics, but Yo sensed the disbelief and continued. “You’re not only stunning from your looks, but you’re also amazing in your personality. Kind, charismatic, generous and all, I’m so happy to date a wonderful boy like you.”
“Wehh, why’re you suddenly saying this?” Riko asks, feeling his face heat up, but he liked hearing those words. He felt conflicted with Yo’s kind words and the thoughts he had before.
Yo simply says, “Because I wanted to remind how great of a boyfriend you are, love.”
“Not much a boy in my opinion…” Riko heard himself mutter. He hopes Yo didn’t notice his statement, but feeling her head press against his back more said otherwise.
“You are a boy, love.”
“But I don’t look the part.” Riko quickly interjects. He mentally slaps himself for continuing this sour topic.
Yo hesitates her response for a bit, “I know you feel that way. But at least you’re working towards your goal, and I couldn’t be more proud about that.”
Riko couldn’t say anything back.
“You saved up for your first binder by yourself, and we’re all so proud of you for that because we knew it was a big step you took. But while it was your only step so far, you at least worked for it and reached it. We’re still young, Riko, we have all the time to improve ourselves. And sure, taking these steps seems impossible, but remember that you have me, and the rest of us, supporting and cheering you on along the way. ”
Yo finishes and softly places a kiss at the back of Riko’s neck. After some time passes, Riko still didn’t have anything to say back. He let those words linger in his mind, and thought about how far he’s come. Every step was something to be proud of, and working towards the next one is just as admirable. And he thought more and more until Yo asks him, “Do you still want me here?”
Riko nods his head, and adjusts himself in Yo’s arms, silently thanking whoever in the skies for blessing him with such a caring girlfriend.
The feeling soon subdued in his mind, and suddenly, he felt right again.