Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hi, guys, welcome back,” the familiar blonde greets with a smile before adjusting his glasses. “Today I’ve brought back my best friends Nick, Leah, and Abby and, as promised, we’re going to be doing the blindfold makeup challenge.”

Bram settles back against the headboard of his bed, laptop tucked comfortably in his lap as he watches Simon and his friends on the screen. A small smile rests on his face as a happy warmth spreads throughout his body. He feels as if he’s watching his own friends, not strangers on the internet.

Except, they don’t feel like strangers to Bram.

When you’ve spent years watching someone’s life play out through videos they’ve created it’s hard not to feel connected to them. You start to get to know their friends and family from guest appearances and you learn pieces of their life from the stories they create. Now, Bram doesn’t exactly know how much is absolute truth of Simon’s stories- this is the internet after all and some people like to present their lives with a certain flare and a white lie here or there- but Bram decided a long time ago that there’s something special about Simon; he seems genuine about his life. He’s kind to his friends, incredibly funny, and unquestionably the cutest guy Bram has ever laid eyes on, which means that poor Bram never stood a chance in not falling for Simon.

He knows that it sounds absurd, falling for a guy he’s never met solely by watching his weekly Youtube updates, but Bram can’t help how he feels. He can’t help the flutter of his heart whenever Simon’s face appears on screen, all smiles and tousled hair and “Harry Potter glasses” (as Simon once described them).

After all, it’s just a harmless crush. Right?

Wrong. Absolutely, certainly, horribly wrong.

Harmless crushes aren’t supposed to keep you up all night watching and rewatching videos until your eyes burn. They aren’t supposed to consume much more than a fraction of your day’s thoughts or make you feel nauseated (in the best way) in anticipation of seeing them again, even if it is just on a screen.

As the video finishes playing on screen, Bram scrolls over and clicks on Simon’s user, SimonSays, taking him to his profile. He knows that he has to get up early for school tomorrow, but he can’t pull himself away from the allure of Simon Spier. He’s like the sun, and Bram just can’t look away from his radiance.

After all, just one more video can’t hurt....

The next morning, Bram walks into class with dark circles hanging under his eyes. It’s a burden he wears proudly because last night he had stumbled across Simon’s old (but not completely forgotten) Ice Bucket Challenge video. Bram feels positively guilty because he knows that the challenge is done to raise awareness for ALS, but he couldn’t turn his eyes away from Simon’s body, clearly visible as his drenched shirt clung to every inch of it. And, well, Bram found it incredibly hard to fall asleep after that. In his defense, it seems implausible that anyone could be expected to easily fall asleep after the sight of their crush soaking wet, available to be replayed over and over again.

Which is something that Bram absolutely did not do.

(Okay, maybe just a few times)

The seven days of waiting for Simon to upload a new video are agonizing. Sure, Bram follows Simon on Instagram, although he actively tries not to like every single picture and video posted because he doesn’t want to seem desperate, but nothing compares to the five or so minutes of just pure Simon. Simon who talks so animatedly about his day. He’s definitely a drama kid, Bram knows that for sure. The way in which Simon manages to string out what should be a short tale into a full on verbal adventure is unmatched by all of the one-dimensional people in Bram’s immediate life. Simon has a spark about him, and with each passing week, that spark ignites a brighter and stronger flame of desire within Bram.

On Day Seven of the infamous weekly hiatus, Bram rushes home from school to finish his work so that once he gets caught up in Simon’s world, he won’t have to worry about forgoing his scholarly duties. Usually he’s great at waiting until after his work is done to check online for Simon’s video, but today he feels a urgency that he can’t ignore. It hasn’t been a particularly easy day, and watching Simon’s videos always manage to make Bram temporarily leave his world and escape to a happier place. As soon as gets home, he settles on his bed and opens his laptop, signing into Youtube. He refreshes the SimonSays page to see if a new video has been uploaded. Bram smiles when he sees that there has been, and his heart immediately stops a second later as he reads over the title:

COMING OUT: MY STORY

Coming out? As in, coming out coming out? Bram wonders. He’s not sure if his heart has completely ceased beating or if it’s beating in such rapid succession that it feels almost still in his chest. He clicks on the video hastily, sitting completely upright in anticipation as Simon’s face appears on his screen. And then Bram’s heart sinks into his stomach because the boy, whose eyes are always shining, looks quite upset.

“Hi, guys,” Simon greets, his voice not as chipper as usual. “So, I know that after last week’s video I promised that I’d take you on a tour backstage of my upcoming performance, but there’s been a change in plans. Due to some unfortunate, mysterious circumstances, I have been outed to my school. I know who did it, but I’m not going to tell you guys who because I don’t want to start any more drama. Just know that I’ve spoken with him and hopefully he realizes that what he’s done is incredibly fucked up and,” he takes a pause as tears fill his eyes. Bram releases the breath he’s been holding as he watches Simon suck in a big breath of his own before continuing.

“And so I just wanted to let you guys know that, yes, I’m gay. That’s something I’ve never admitted out loud before to anyone. It’s been a long journey for me, and I never really came to terms with my sexuality until a few years ago, probably around the time I started making these videos. And, yes, I know what some of you are thinking: I have had girlfriends before as I’ve openly talked about past relationships. But my past relationships don’t define who I am now. For so many people, discovering your sexuality is a very complex journey. Not everyone knows from early on who they’re attracted to, and that’s okay. It took me a while but I know for sure that I am gay. And I’m not ashamed, I’m not going to hide that anymore. And for anybody watching who isn’t sure of themselves, just know that you are valid and you are loved just as you are. You don’t have to be ashamed either.”

The presence of wetness running down his cheek startles Bram and he moves a hand up to wipe away the stray tear that he hadn’t even noticed forming. Simon’s speech is incredibly emotional; it’s so raw and just so Simon. Bram can’t help but feel even more in awe of this boy. It takes guts to talk about this so openly, especially with the amount of followers he has. Bram isn’t obtuse- he knows that despite the year, there are still regressive (and possibly violent) people out there who don’t agree with homosexuality. Simon, and anyone who is out, is incredibly brave, Bram thinks.

He himself still hasn’t come out to his family, but he never really feels the need to. Being in the closet- or being out- is a personal choice, and people choosing to stay in the closet (whether out of safety reasons or they simply choose not to disclose their sexuality) are still just as brave in Bram’s mind. He doesn’t see it as hiding, like some (wrongly) claim it is. It’s just a choice.

Simon continues to talk for a few more minutes about wanting to raise awareness at how harmful outing people can be, because you never know their home situation and if it’s safe for them. Before signing off on the video, he makes sure to list a few websites which help LGBT youth find safe spaces and he ends the video with a: “Thank you so much for your support so far. I love you all.”

When the video ends, Bram doesn’t even know how to feel. He closes his laptop before picking up one of his pillows and hugging it close to his chest.

On one hand, he just found out that the guy he’s been crushing on for years is gay.

On the other hand, he is absolutely blown away by how Simon handled this situation because he knows that if it had been him, Bram would not have been able to be so mature and responsible about it.

Simon’s words continue to play in his head: “I’m not ashamed. I’m not going to hide that anymore.”  Although his words were positive, the expression on Simon’s face looked anything but.

Bram wants nothing more to reach out to Simon, to make sure that he’s okay. He knows it sounds stupid because he’s never even met the guy, but he can’t even imagine how hard it is for him right now, especially at school. He knows that Simon lives in Georgia and Georgia isn’t exactly New York or California when it comes to being progressive and open minded.  

He drops his pillow and opens up his laptop once more, going back to Simon’s Coming Out video. He scrolls down to the already overflowing comments section. Without over thinking about what he’s doing, Bram begins to craft a comment. The first time he’s ever commented on any of Simon’s videos.

Simon,

I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. Just know that you are not alone and your words and actions are incredibly inspiring, especially to someone still in the closet like me. I know that we do not know each other, but if you would like someone to talk to, I’m here. My email is [email protected].  

Knowing that his Youtube account is under the same name, Bluegreen118, Bram feels safer posting the comment than if it had been under his real name. He’s not scared of people finding out that he’s gay but he would really rather it be on his own terms.

Besides, he thinks, it’s not like anyone’s going to actually see the comment.

Within hours of the video being posted, there are already thousands of comments and hundreds of thumbs up on it. It makes Bram happy knowing that Simon is receiving the support that he deserves, but he also knows the likelihood of Simon himself seeing his comment is incredibly low.

“Bram, how many times have I asked you not to have your phone at the table?”

Bram looks up to see his father looking at him disapprovingly. He sighs before sliding his phone into the pocket of his sweatshirt, apologizing quietly.

It’s been days since Bram’s posted the comment on Simon’s video, and he hasn’t received any form of response. Not to say that he isn’t surprised. He probably shouldn’t ever have entertained the idea of a reply- from Simon or anyone. He’s used to flying under everyone else’s radars.

“Your mother’s been asking when you’re going to visit her again, you know.” Mr. Greenfeld speaks up again. Bram just pokes his fork around in his food, not really replying. “You know, Shady Creek isn’t too far from here. I wouldn’t mind driving you over for a weekend.”

“Maybe during break?” Bram suggests. “I have a lot of homework and stuff to do.”

“Alright,” his father agrees. He pauses for a few moments before adding: “Also, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

Bram freezes at that, his body tensing up.

He knows about the gay thing.

“I met someone.”

Oh.

Bram tries to keep his composure as his father continues to explain. “She’s from work and we’ve actually been seeing each other for a while. I wanted to make sure that things were serious between us before I brought her up to you.”

“You have a girlfriend?” Bram asks, a bit in disbelief. This isn’t a bad thing, per se, but Bram doesn’t really favor speaking about his father’s love life like they’re gossiping around the lunch table at school.

His father nods. “I do. And she wants to meet you.”  

And this is officially one of the weirdest weeks of Bram’s life.

The next morning, Bram’s brewing tea with the full intention of knocking out all of his homework over the course of the next six hours. Then the rest of the weekend will be all his to relax and definitely not watch Simon’s videos...again.

His phone chimes, signalling a message, and Bram almost drops his mug when he sees that it’s not a text.

It’s an email.

On his secret account.

He sets his mug back down on the counter and takes in a deep breath.

1...2...3…

Before slowly exhaling.

1...2...3…

Once he’s managed to calm his heart rate a bit, he opens up his email account and clicks on the single unread message in his inbox.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Sept 13 at 9:46 am

Subject: Hi

Blue,

Is it okay if I call you Blue? That’s just the first thing in your email and I don’t know your real first name...unless it is actually Blue. In that case, that would be so cool. Sorry for rambling, it’s been a pretty weird week as you know. I literally just saw your comment on my video and I needed to message you. You have no idea how many people just commented on how they wanted me to find a cute boy so we would be “totally shippable”. Ugh. You’re one of the few who actually seemed like you cared. And, judging from your comment, you’re also gay? Which is really cool because I actually don’t know any other gay people so nobody really understands me or what I’m going through. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to about this sort of stuff, if you’d like.

- Simon

Bram doesn’t even realizing how hard he’s smiling until his cheeks start to hurt. Simon Spier had seen his comment and noticed him and needed to message him.

Bram knows that it’s possible this could be someone pretending to be Simon, but the message is written exactly how Simon talks in his videos. There’s absolutely no difference.

He finds it extremely adorable.

He also wastes no time in writing a response.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Sept 13 at 9:59 am

Subject: Re: Hi

Simon,

You can absolutely call me Blue if that’s what you’d like. Maybe it would be best that way if you don’t know my real name, considering that I’m not out. And I’m not going to lie, those people in the comments sound rather unpleasant. Don’t they realize that gay people aren’t something to ogle? We’re real people who want to exist without being a part of your fetish, thank you very much. So I guess that answers your question: I’m definitely gay. Which is weird, because, like your video, this is also the first time I’m admitting it to somebody. It feels almost strange to type out: gay. It’s funny how something you quietly live with for so long can feel as if you’re sounding an alarm by speaking it aloud, if that makes any sense.

- Blue

Bram knows that he should feel weird emailing Simon from an alias, especially since Simon is being upfront about who he is, but it’s just better this way. Simon is a prominent internet figure, and if he somehow slips up (not that Bram is expecting him to) and mentions Bram, then he’ll be accidentally outed to the world and he’s not ready for that. It’s weird, though, because emailing Simon feels almost normal. It feels like messaging with an old friend from summer camp who you haven’t seen in years, but are able to reconnect instantly with no awkwardness. You can just jump right in with conversation.

When Simon doesn’t reply for the rest of the day, Bram feels a bit dejected. He wasn’t expecting Simon to just up front go “Oh let’s be best friends now!”, but he’s also worried that he’s somehow put Simon off.

Maybe he replied too quickly?
Do guys not like when other guys seem too eager?

It isn’t until the next morning when Bram checks his secret email account and finding (1) in his Inbox folder that he begins to feel better.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Sept 14 at 10:05 am

Subject: Re: Hi

Blue,

I know exactly what you mean. It’s like, when you’re in the closet you go undetected. Nobody knows that you’re gay. But once you admit it out loud, you feel as if everywhere you walk everyone around you is getting this alert like: “He’s gay!” and you don’t know how to turn it off. I wouldn’t say it’s paranoia, but sometimes it definitely puts me on edge. There are still some assholes out there who hate people like us, which is why I understand why you want to stay anonymous. Although I can’t help but be curious as to what you look like/how old you are/stuff like that. I’ll try my best to refrain from asking any personal questions. But I’m warning you right now, I can be a bit nosy sometimes.  

- Simon

Bram rubs the sleep away from his eyes before he reads over the message, a smile slowly creeping onto his face. Of course Simon is considerate of him and of course Simon understands what he meant because Simon is just...Simon.

He’s perfect.

It goes on for weeks, them emailing back and forth. And it’s easy. It’s so so easy. Bram can’t help but imagine that, in another life, they were best friends because in this life they click instantly.

After much debating, he realizes that it wouldn’t hurt him to let Simon know a few details about him, leading him to tell Simon that he’s seventeen and a junior in high school who lives in Savannah with his dad. And, it just so happens, Simon reveals that he’s from Shady Creek. A town not too far from Savannah where his mother also happens to live.

Bram considers not waiting until school goes on break to pay her a visit.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 3 at 6:37 pm

Subject: Re: Reese’s are better than sex

Blue,

I think I made you uncomfortable, and I’m really, really sorry. I’m kind of a nosy person. It’s always been a problem. I’m so sorry, Blue. I know I sound like a broken record. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this outright, but our emails are really important to me. I would never forgive myself if I fucked this up. Effed this up. Sorry, I don’t even know if you cuss.

So, I might have given you the wrong idea with this subject line. I have to admit that I don’t TECHNICALLY know whether Reese’s are better than sex. Reese’s are really freaking incredible, don’t get me wrong. And I’m guessing they’re better than hetero sex, a.k.a. “Intercourse” (per my mom).

Non-hetero sex, though? I imagine it may be a little better than Reese’s. Is it weird that I can’t talk about this without blushing?

Love,

Simon

Bram lets out a sad sigh as he rereads over Simon’s email.

Things were going so great until Simon started asking all these questions.

Well, not all these questions. Just one in particular.

He wants to know if Bram has any other social media. Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, anything.

Bram’s made it clear from the beginning that he doesn’t want to give too much of himself away, and Simon said that he respected it, but he still keeps asking.

And signing it with ‘Love’? That’s... new.

Perhaps Simon feels as if he needs to compensate for trying to dig a little too deep for Bram’s identity. Perhaps it was a slip up and he typed it by accident.

Perhaps Bram’s feelings for Simon are reciprocated.

Bram shakes the idea out of his head as quickly as it enters it. There’s no possible way that Simon, adorably cute Simon of SimonSays, has feelings for him. He’s just Bram. Hell, Simon doesn’t even know that he’s Bram. To Simon, he’s Blue.

Simon probably likes Blue, and if he ever finds out about Bram, plain boring Bram whose life pales in comparison to Simon’s, then that’ll be the end of that. Bram knows that for sure.

He can’t help but be endeared by the email, though. And he definitely can’t help thinking about Simon thinking about non-hetero sex. Or just Simon and non-hetero sex in itself.

He decides to wait a day before finally replying to Simon’s email.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 4 at 7:40 pm

Subject: Re: Reese’s are better than sex

Simon,

I appreciate your apology. I understand that you’re curious as to who I am but I’m not ready for you to find out just yet. It’s not that I don’t trust you, so please don’t think that’s the case. The idea of you finding about who I am makes me feel absolutely nauseated. I feel as if I’m not going to be who you are expecting and I don’t want to let you down. I’m sorry.

As for non-hetero sex: I wouldn’t know about that, but you have me curious, Simon. Maybe one day I’ll find out, but I’d like to have my first kiss before any non-hetero sex applies.

I can’t believe I just admitted to you that I’ve never been kissed before. Now you know just how uncool I actually am. I’m a seventeen year old boy who’s never been kissed. You can go run for the hills now, it’s okay.

And we’re doing ‘Love’ now? I’m not sure I’m ready for that commitment yet ;) After all, can you really feel that deeply for someone who you’ve never met?  

Sincerely,

Blue

Bram wipes his sweaty palms against his legs after he hits send. He feels as if they’re heading into serious uncharted territory now. He didn’t mean to come off as flirty, but he wouldn’t exactly be opposed to it. Sure, he and Simon have flirted a bit before, but now Bram’s opened the can of worms for The Feelings Discussion and he’s not sure what to do if Simon responds negatively to it. Hell, he’s not sure what he’ll do if Simon responds positively to it.

The familiar chirp of an incoming email comes within ten minutes, almost giving Bram a heart attack in the process.  

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 4 at 7:48 pm

Subject: Re: Reese’s are better than sex

Blue,

I promise that you will be exactly who I imagine you to be. I know who you are, not literally of course, but still I know you. I know that you’re smart and that you’re a great friend. I know your parents are divorced and that you’re still dealing with the aftermath of that. I know that you still don’t know how to feel about your father’s girlfriend but you’re trying your hardest to warm up to her, which tells me how caring and accepting you are. I know that you’re protective of yourself and your feelings, and that’s okay. I also know that you reached out to me when I was going through a hard time and that you understand me more than anyone I’ve ever met (online or in real life).

Also, I don’t think you’re weird or lame for not having kissed anyone. It’s cute. It’ll just make it more special when it actually happens. I’m also aware that that’s what people say when they really mean “Wow what a loser” because people suck. But I really do mean it. Trust me, you want your first kiss to be with someone special. Someone who you truly care about and who cares about you the same way. Someone who is worth the wait.

Love (yes we are doing love now ;)),

Simon

(P.S. I do believe it’s possible to fall for someone you’ve never met before)  

P.S. I do believe it’s possible to fall for someone you’ve never met before.

P.S. I do believe it’s possible to fall for someone you’ve never met before.

P.S. I do believe it’s possible to fall for someone you’ve never met before

That line stays burned in Bram’s mind as he tries (and fails) to concentrate on studying for his upcoming French test. Sure, the email exchanges between he and Simon have been going on for months now- it’s hard to remember a time where Simon’s emails weren’t a part of his life- but that doesn’t mean that Simon likes him.

Could it?

No, Bram thinks. Don’t get your hopes up. He’s probably just speaking in general terms.

But it still doesn’t help the small sliver of hope that keeps crawling in and wedging a wider gap in the wall he’s trying so hard to maintain.

The more Bram watches Simon’s weekly videos, the more he grows in disbelief that he is lucky enough to be hopelessly in love with friends with Simon Spier.

Simon with the messy blonde hair.

Simon with the glasses that he always fiddles with that make his eyes look big and beautiful.

(Bram thinks everything about Simon is beautiful)

Simon with the adorable golden retriever who always manages to interrupt his videos, begging for attention.

Simon with the cute drama friend who’s been making more appearances on his videos as of late.

(Bram’s definitely not jealous of this Cal guy with perfect bangs and piercing eyes. Not one bit. Except whenever he sees him on screen, Bram wants to bring a pillow to his face and scream in frustration. But he’s totally not jealous)

It’s just that, for the past few months Simon’s been looking happier in his videos. There’s a different glow about him and Simon isn’t just the sun anymore. He’s Bram’s entire damn universe.

And a small part of him is wanting to believe that he’s the reason for Simon’s extra shine.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 28 at 11:19 am

Subject: You’re absolutely wrong

Simon,

Really? You honestly think that the original Oreos are the best? And here I thought I liked you. It’s obvious the double stuff mint are better. Yes, specifically the double stuff ones. Guess I can’t trust your taste in anything anymore.

I’m always right,

Blue

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 29 at 3:39 pm

Subject: Re: You’re absolutely wrong

Blue,

I should be offended. So offended that I’d never write to you again. But you just said that you thought you liked me so I guess I’m obligated to stay so I can ask what you really meant by that :)

Love,

Simon, who is truly always right

Bram panics when he reads Simon’s reply, nervously chewing on his lip. He hadn’t meant to let that part about liking him slip in. It just sort of happened. And now he can’t take it back. It’s forever cemented in the deep memory of the internet. He imagines in fifty years from now they’ll recover this message thread, like pulling a letter out of a time capsule, and laugh at his carelessness. Simon will have long forgotten about him- the boy who was foolish enough to think that Simon would ever like him back.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Nov 29 at 10:02 pm

Subject: Re: You’re absolutely wrong

Simon,

I’ve thought long and hard about how to tell you this (and if I would ever tell you this), but I guess my carelessness has done it for me…

I will never go back on my decision on double stuff mint Oreos being better. You can ignore me all you want but you can’t ignore the truth :)

Love,

Blue

(P.S. if you could just ignore the part about liking you, that would be greatly and forever appreciated)

Bram’s phone stays inactive for the rest of the night when it comes to Simon’s emails. He knows for sure he’s messed it up this time.

It’s been two days since Bram last heard from Simon, and his social media has been extra quiet lately as well. There’s been no recent Instagram posts or tweets and Bram’s actually starting to get kind of worried. Simon is scheduled to upload a new video tomorrow, yet his radio silence on the internet might be an indicator that his Youtube account will join the others in remaining inactive.

On the night before day three of no sign from Simon, Bram practically leaps to his phone when he hears it chirp from across the room. He sighs in relief when he sees that it’s a notification of a new tweet from Simon’s account.

@SimonSpier: New video up tomorrow! Can’t wait to share it with you guys!

It takes thirty more minutes before a new email pops up in Bram’s inbox.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Dec 1 at 9:28 pm

Subject: Re: You’re absolutely wrong

Blue,

I wish I could ignore the part about liking me. I promise I’ve tried to, only because you asked. But I can’t help it. I don’t want to ignore that, Blue, because I like you. I like you a lot, sometimes I think even more than a lot. And I’ve felt this way for a long time but I never really knew how to tell you. I know that you’ve been private about your life with me, but I would really truly like to get to know you, Blue. But not just as Blue. As you . I want to know the face behind the guy I’ve fallen for, of the guy who hopefully feels the same about me.

Love,

Simon

Bram feels as if his heart is physically going to leap from his chest. He locks his phone before laying down on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling while he tries to process everything he’s just read.

Simon Spier likes him.

Simon Spier sometimes thinks he more than likes him.

It would be a big decision to unveil his true identity to Simon. Their emails have been going on for so long and he’s admittedly spent more than one moment wishing that he could actually be himself; he wants nothing more to be 100% Bram Greenfeld to Simon.

Maybe now he can.

After all, if Simon can admit that he feels this strongly about Bram, Bram can at least tell him who he is, right?

Much like when he first commented on Simon’s video all that time ago, Bram tries not to overthink as he opens Instagram and creates a copied link of his profile. He then opens up a new email to Simon.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: Dec 1 at 10:56 pm

Subject: I can’t believe I’m doing this...

Simon,

When you first emailed me, I couldn’t believe it. It felt like a dream. Everything you wrote in your last email is exactly how I feel about you, except I think I have an unfair advantage seeing as I’ve liked you for about as long as you’ve been posting videos. You only found out about my existence months ago.  It’s actually frightening how much I like you, Simon. I hear songs on the radio and I immediately wonder if you’ve heard them and whether or not you like them. And I may or may not have listened to Elliott Smith after I realized that your email is lyrics to one of his songs. I can’t ever get you out of my head.

And I’ve been thinking about how I’ve gotten to know a complete, unadulterated version of you over the past few months, so I agree that it’s finally time that you know who I am. Here’s my Instagram (so you can stalk me till your heart’s content). It’s only fair that the time I spent stalking your social media is reciprocated :)

Love,

Bram

He knows that he shouldn’t be surprised when a few moments later he gets a notification saying that Simon Spier has followed him on Instagram, but he definitely is a bit shocked when his phone continually blows up as Simon scrolls through all 147 of his posts, liking every one of them.

That boy is definitely thorough , Bram thinks, smiling fondly to himself.

His phone then buzzes, alerting him to a new direct message on Instagram from Simon. He’s sent one of Bram’s photos, a candid moment captured about a year ago of him leaning against a graffitied wall, donning a pastel pink sweater. The photo is accompanied by a message consisting of approximately five heart eye emojis and ‘ Oh my god you are so beautiful’.

Bram bites his lip to hide his smile, his cheeks turning warm from the compliment.

‘So I live up to your expectations?’ he asks.

‘You are my expectations,’ Simon replies almost instantly. Then: ‘Honestly all I can think about is kissing you, Bram. I mean, I’ve thought about it before, but now I know what you look like and god I just really really want to kiss you.’

Bram’s heart swells in his chest and he can’t believe this is his life. He’s flirting with Simon Spier. Simon who really really wants to kiss him.   

‘You know, I don’t think I mentioned this before, but my mother actually lives in Shady Creek. I’m supposed to pay her a visit soon...’

‘Oh really? Would you like me to give you a tour of the town while you’re here? I’m a fantastic guide :)’

‘Is this you asking me on a date?’ Bram asks, the smile on his face illuminated by the light from his screen.

‘Would you want it to be a date?’

‘I’d want anything with you.’

Bram doesn’t mean to come off so forward, but it’s just the first thing that runs through his head. Usually he’s so careful about what he says but Simon’s managed to break through every barrier he’s had. If it weren’t for those broken barriers, though, Bram wouldn’t have found a cute boy who wants to kiss him and take him on tours of his hometown. So he hardly thinks that’s a bad thing. It brings him back to one of their earlier emails where Simon explains that Bram should hold out until he finds someone worth his time. He’s definitely sure that he’s found that person.

‘Then it’s a date!’ accompanied by two kissy face emojis.

Bram thinks about pinching himself to make sure he’s not dreaming.

The next day, Bram casually mentions to his father how he wants to visit his mother this upcoming weekend. When questioned about all the homework that Bram supposedly wouldn’t have time to finish, he simply smiles and assures his father that it’ll be done before he heads down.

He happens to leave out the part where he’s going to be going on a date. With a boy.

When he texts Simon to let him know that his father will be driving him down for the weekend, he can’t ignore the flutter in his stomach when he gets sent ten hearts in reply.

‘I can’t wait to finally see you,’ Bram replies to the bombardment of hearts.

‘I can’t wait to kiss you,’ Simon texts back and Bram honest to god doesn’t know how he’s going to make it to the weekend.

Simon has no idea what he does to him.

The ride to Shady Creek is mostly silent between his father and him. Bram is lost in his music, blocking out the world with his earphones. When he sees their exit approaching, Bram’s nerves go into hyperdrive. His stomach turns against him, growing increasingly nauseated in the best way possible.

In a ‘Finally something good is happening to me’ sort of way.

In an ‘I can’t believe this is actually real’ sort of way.

In a ‘The boy I’ve been in love with for three years is waiting there for me’ sort of way.

Chapter Text

‘I just pulled up to my mom’s house’ Bram texts to Simon as the familiar blue door opens and his mother walks out, smiling brightly as she waves towards the car.

‘I can’t believe you’re actually in my town,’ Simon replies. ‘Is it weird that I’m getting butterflies just from thinking about it? Or you in general?’

Bram’s heart doubles in size in his chest as his cheeks turn warm. He still can’t believe this is his life. A beautiful boy is getting butterflies over the thought of him. Before he replies, however, he pockets his phone and gets out of the car, walking up to give his mother a hug. She squeezes him a little harder than usual, but he decides to let it slide. After all, it has been a long time since he’s come up to visit.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she tells him as she pulls away from the hug. She then moves her hands to grip his shoulders as she looks him up and down, as if appraising him to see if he’s doing alright.

“I’ve missed you too,” he replies with a smile. And it’s true, Bram has missed his mother, but with the divorce and her moving away it got hard to keep up with her regularly. Besides, she’s always busy now with her work and Bram has school to focus on. Does he feel bad about not being as close to her as he used to? Absolutely. But hopefully this weekend will also help amend that.

His father grabs all of Bram’s stuff and places it on the porch for him before greeting Bram’s mother. Bram stands off to the side, toeing at the ground awkwardly as he watches the two of them. It wasn’t a messy divorce- it was actually quite civil- but seeing the two interact ever since then has always been a touchy thing for him. The two of them together is like when you have a puzzle piece that’s almost a perfect fit, and with some force it can be squeezed into place, but it’ll never be right.

Once Bram’s parents finish talking, his father gives him a quick goodbye hug before heading back to his car and driving off. Bram then picks up his bags before following his mother into the house. It hasn’t changed much since he was here last.

“Are you hungry?” she asks. “I was thinking that we could go out to eat, if you’d like.”

“I’m actually not really that hungry right now,” Bram tells her. He doesn’t mention that it’s because his stomach is in knots thinking about Simon who is literally just across town. He knows that he should feel guilty about essentially using this trip to visit a boy rather than his mother, but he knows that she’s understanding and just wants him to be happy. Someday, if he ever decides to come out, he’ll explain it to her.

“Well we can always go get ice cream later if you’d like,” she tells him. “That place with the sundaes is still open. It’ll be my treat.”
Bram smiles at that before nodding. “Yeah, okay. Definitely.” He then eyes the stairs before looking back to his mother. “I’m just going to go unpack.”

With that, Bram heads up the stairs into his room. He hasn’t vacated it in so long, though, so it doesn’t really feel like his. Nevertheless, he sets his bags down on the ground before sitting down on the bed. He finally pulls out his phone again before typing out a reply to Simon.

‘I think it’s cute that I give you butterflies! Meanwhile I’m here completely nauseated at the thought of you seeing me in person’

His phone immediately buzzes with a reply.

‘:( I don’t like that I make you feel nauseated (I can’t believe that I’ve been saying nauseous my whole life when it’s wrong) Maybe once you meet me you’ll feel better? I’m told that I’m great at cheering people up :)’

Bram laughs quietly to himself as he reads over the message. How is it possible for someone to be this cute over text? He’s always so careful about his messages and if he’s using the proper amount of emojis or punctuation. Meanwhile Simon just texts like he talks- so carefree and fun.

‘Well when would you like to meet? I’m only here until Sunday.’

‘How about now?’ Simon texts, immediately followed by: ‘If you can, of course. I know you just got in and I don’t know what your plans are with your mom. But I’d love to meet you whenever you’re up to it’ paired with a sparkling pink heart.

Bram chews on his lip as he thinks it over.

On one hand, he absolutely would love to meet up with Simon, after all these months of talking. On the other hand, he wouldn’t want his mother to feel as if he’s deserting her.

But he also really wants to meet Simon.

Bram leaves his phone on the bed before heading back downstairs, finding his mother curled up on the sofa, reading a book.

“Hey, mom?” he asks quietly, causing her to look up at him. “Would you mind if I went out for a walk for a bit? After that car ride I’m feeling a tad cramped and need to stretch out my legs.”

“I don’t mind,” she assures him. “Just be safe, okay? Don’t stay out too late.”

Bram smiles and thanks her before running back up to his room. He shrugs on a jacket- December in Georgia isn’t like December in Michigan, but it’s also not exactly a Floridian winter- and picks up his phone. His fingers shake anxiously as he types out a text to Simon:

‘So I’m about to head out. Is there any place in particular you’d like to meet?’

Simon replies a few minutes later with a set of directions to a local park with a text accompanying it, letting Bram know he can be there in ten minutes along with a blushing smiling face. Bram sucks in a shaky breath before releasing it. This is finally happening.

He feels as if he might puke.

Exactly seven minutes later Bram is standing against a tree, surveying the park in front of him. Despite the chilled weather, the area is still populated by the occasional dog walker and couple taking a winter stroll. He knows that he’s early to meet Simon but with the nervous adrenaline pumping through his veins, Bram’s pace ended up being faster than usual.

He glances down at his phone. No response from Simon to Bram’s ‘I’m here’ text.

Two more minutes.

He chews his lip nervously, something which is seemingly starting to become a habit of his, as he tries to calm his stomach. He hasn’t felt this way ever since he got sick on a Tilt-a-Whirl years ago. Bram silently curses Simon and his ability to make him feel so wonderful yet so positively sick at the same time. Bram wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world, though.

One more minute.

He closes his eyes as he rests his back fully against the tree. Thinking back to all of the emails exchanged over the past few months, he finds himself smiling to himself instead of nervously chewing his lip. He wonders how it’ll feel once they finally meet. Will it be easy conversation like it was from the start of their emails? Will it be awkward silence? Will it-

“Bram?”

In that instant, all of his thoughts melt away and his eyes fly open to see Simon standing in front of him, smiling nervously.

“Hi,” Bram replies softly, unable to fully catch his breath because Simon is even more breathtakingly beautiful in person. He swears his heart stops momentarily.

Bram stands up straighter, unsure if he should go in for a hug or not. But he knows that if he goes in for a hug, he may not be able to stop himself from trying to kiss Simon.

“I can’t believe you’re actually here,” Simon tells him. His eyes are shining happily and Bram’s knees feel as if they’re about to turn to jelly. His entire insides have already melted to mush.

“I was promised a tour from an amazing guide and I couldn’t say no to that.”

Bram has no idea where this is coming from. Usually around cute boys he gets so tongue tied he can’t even talk, let alone make a flirtatious joke. Simon laughs at that, ducking his head down as he moves a hand up to run through his hair. He seems about as nervous as Bram feels, but Simon knows how to make nervous look incredibly adorable. Bram blushes in response to Simon’s laughter, and when Simon flicks his eyes up to meet Bram’s, his face turns pink as well.

“Well what would you like to see?”

You, smiling forever, Bram thinks, but it comes out as: “Whatever you’d like to show me.”

Simon’s beautiful smile grows even bigger at that, and when he reaches out and grabs Bram’s hand, his insides burst into flames and he hates how attached his body already is to Simon’s touch.

“I know a fantastic coffee shop,” he says as he leads Bram onto the sidewalk. “I know you don’t really like coffee but I promise they have the best hot chocolate you’ll ever taste in your life.”

Bram just smiles and lets Simon lead him on. He’d let Simon lead him anywhere if it meant he never had to let go of his hand.

“I promise I’ll pay you back as soon as I get back to the house,” Bram tells Simon after Simon hands the cashier money for their drinks: two hot chocolates, one with cookie crumbles because apparently Simon comes here often enough that they know his special order. Simon swears that the Oreo pieces make the hot chocolate taste better. Bram just thinks that Simon loves Oreos a bit too much. Simon shakes his head as he and Bram walk down to the receiving end of the counter to wait for their drinks.

“I told you I’d take you on a date. On dates you’re not supposed to pay for your drinks.”

“This is a date?” he asks, smiling shyly. Simon looks up at him and smiles right back.

“If you’d like it to be.”

“Yes,” Bram replies without hesitation. He swears he hasn’t stopped blushing this entire time.  

When they get their drinks, Simon leads Bram to an empty table tucked in the back corner.

“This is one of my favorite spots in town,” he tells Bram as he looks out the window wistfully. “At night, when all of the Christmas lights get turned on, it makes everything else in the world seem so much brighter, you know?”

“Yeah,” Bram agrees, never taking his eyes off of Simon. “I do.”

Bram doesn’t add that no amount of lights could compare to the brightness that radiates from Simon.

“Would you like to come with me to see them, then?” Simon asks. Bram turns his eyes away as Simon looks back at him, not wanting to make it obvious that he was staring. He then “casually” glances up at Simon.

“I’d love to, but tonight I actually promised my mom I’d go out with her.”

He tries to ignore the slight look of disappointment on Simon’s face.

“What about tomorrow?” Simon asks.

“Are you sure you won’t be sick of seeing me?”

“Bram, I’ve literally been dreaming about meeting you for months. Right now I still can’t believe that I’m actually sitting with you, on a date with you. I honestly don’t think it would be possible for me to ever get sick of you.”

Bram takes a sip of his drink to hide his smile, but his eyes give him away.

About an hour passes before Bram’s phone starts buzzing with texts from his mother, asking if he’s okay and when he’s coming back. He sighs sadly when he realizes that his is most definitely his cue to head back home. As he and Simon walk down the street, side by side, he wants nothing more than to reach out and hold his hand, but fear gets the better of him and so he settles for brushing it up against Simon’s every once in awhile. He doesn’t miss the slight smile that appears on Simon’s lips each time it happens. When they reach the house, Bram stops on the end of the driveway before turning to Simon.

“Thank you, again, for today.” The underlying ache to lean over and kiss Simon that’s been plaguing Bram all afternoon intensifies as they grow closer to their goodbyes.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Simon tells him.

“But I want to.”

I want to do a lot of things, he thinks.  

“You can thank me by coming with me to see the lights tomorrow night.”
“Another date?” Bram asks. Simon laughs and nods.
“Yeah. Another date.”

Bram wants absolutely nothing more than to kiss Simon. He’s sure that Simon wants to kiss him too. He’s about to lean in when his mother opens the door, appearing on the porch. Bram panics and takes five steps back from Simon. He then tells him that he’ll text him before saying goodbye and turning to walk into the house, slipping in past his mother.

“I see you made a friend,” she says as she follows Bram into the house, closing the door behind her.

“Sorry for being out so long. I was at the park and he was there and we just started talking and sort of lost track of time.”

Bram knows that it’s a weak lie, even for him. There’s no way his mother would believe that he’d just strike up a conversation with a random stranger. She crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow at him.

“Is that the Spier’s son?” she questions.

Bram sighs and nods. “Yeah. Simon.”

“How do you know him?”

“We just met at the park today.”

“How do you know him from before today?”

Bram sometimes hates how perceptive his mother can be.

“I watch his videos on Youtube,” he admits, his eyes darting past his mother to stare at the wall. He doesn’t know why he feels so ashamed about it all of a sudden. He tries to ignore the knowing look his mother is sending him.  

“I know his mother,” is all Bram’s mother says to that. “They’re a nice family. Very supportive.”

Oh god, Bram groans internally. She definitely knows. If she knows the Spiers then she’s definitely heard by now that Simon’s gay. His mother is, apart from perceptive, incredibly smart as well, and she can easily put two and two together.

Bram simply nods in response. “Yeah. It’s good, though, considering...everything.” And he wishes he could shut up but his mother’s gaze is burning into him, as if compelling him to spill every detail of his connections to Simon.

“It is.”

At that, Bram ducks his head down and makes his way up the stairs. He only gets halfway up before his mother calls his name. He turns and looks down at her sheepishly.

“You know I love you no matter what, right?” she asks. Bram smiles at her and nods.

“I do.”

He then hurries back into his room before shutting the door and throwing himself onto the bed. He stares up at the ceiling in complete shock. Did he just come out to his mother? That was more like coming to an unspoken understanding than verbally confessing it, though. Bram knows that he’s not the most subtle person, especially when it comes to crushes, but he still never expected his mother to find out this way. He always assumed he’d have to do it the formal way- make it into some Big Thing.

The conversation isn’t brought back up again at dinner that night.

The nervousness that Bram felt yesterday when meeting with Simon resurfaces as he waits on his porch steps the next evening. He figures that since his mother (somewhat) knows about his relations with Simon, it won’t be a big deal if he gets picked up directly at the house rather than running off to meet him somewhere. Besides, as far as he and his mother have really talked about, he and Simon are only hanging out and not on a date. Except, holy shit, Bram’s going on a second date with Simon and he actually pinches himself a bit this time to make sure that he’s not dreaming.

When Simon arrives and starts to walk up the driveway, Bram quickly stands and walks to meet him halfway. He surprises himself when he goes in for a hug and when Simon doesn’t react at first, Bram internally curses at himself, afraid that he’s crossed a line somehow. However, when he feels Simon’s arms wrap around his body and pulling him close, Bram feels as if his heart could win a gold medal for tumbling.

“So…” he trails off after he pulls away from Simon, not wanting to accidentally hold on for too long, especially if his mother’s watching through the window.

“Ready to have your mind blown?” Simon asks. Bram smiles and nods in response and they start walking in the direction of town.

“I have a question for you,” Simon blurts out after a few minutes of silence. “What’s Bram short for?”

“Abraham,” Bram tells him.

“Like the president?”

“How many other Abrahams do you know?” Bram jokes.

“Well...you,” Simon replies to which Bram rolls his eyes but smiles fondly.

“I meant famous ones.”
“You are famous, in my life at least.”

“Yeah? How so?”

“All of my friends know about you,” Simon tells him. In the fading light, Bram can still see the faint blush on Simon’s cheeks.

“They do?” he asks in disbelief. Nobody in his life back home knows about Simon. He isn’t really close enough with people there to divulge his feelings to.

“Yeah! When I told them you’re coming to visit they practically begged me to let them meet you.”

“So where are they?”

“Well you wouldn’t want my friends crashing our date, would you?”

Bram pretends to think about it for a moment before shaking his head. “No, I suppose not.”

When they reach the main street of town, Bram is actually in awe of the sight. All of the stores they had passed yesterday were now illuminated brightly with twinkling lights. If it weren’t for the absence of snow, Bram would swear they’re walking in an actual Christmas town. It’s like everything you see in the movies, but more. The trees lining the sidewalk are all wrapped in white sparkling lights, contrasting the red and green on the storefronts. There’s garland strung overhead from streetlight to streetlight which adds some extra holiday charm to the atmosphere. He turns to say something to Simon but is stopped when he realizes that Simon’s already looking up at him, watching his reaction. There’s a different look in his eyes from yesterday, but Bram just can’t pinpoint what it is.

“I told you,” is all Simon says, with a smug grin on his face.

“It’s absolutely beautiful,” Bram says quietly, more to himself, as he turns back to take it all in. They continue to walk down the street, blending in with the crowd of people who have also come to admire the lights. Bram wonders if they can tell that he and Simon are together, until he realizes that he doesn’t really care about their opinions all that much. They keep walking until they leave the main street, the twinkling lights becoming nothing more than a mosaic of color behind them.

“Where are we going?” Bram asks curiously as they continue to stray from the main traffic of people. Simon simply shrugs in reply, before grabbing onto Bram’s hand, pulling him along. It isn’t until Bram sees a playground in the distance that he realizes it’s the park where they first met up yesterday. Simon is such a sap, but Bram happens to loves it.

The only light now is coming from the flickering street lamps, and Bram can’t make out another soul in sight; he doesn’t seem to mind one bit.

They end up sitting against one of the many trees scattered along the way, gazing out into the night. There’s always been something soothing about the nighttime; it feels as if they are the only two people in the world right now, covered in a blanket of almost total darkness. A comfortable silence settles between them, and Simon’s hand is still holding onto Bram’s, their fingers laced together perfectly. Goosebumps rise over his body, and Bram’s positive that it’s not from the chilly air. He turns to Simon to break the silence, but stops when he realizes just how close they really are.

“Bram,” Simon whispers as he stares up at him, his eyes glistening beautifully in the moonlight. His voice is shaky and his hand is no longer laced with Bram’s. It’s moved up to his cheek, his thumb tenderly grazing against the corner of his lips. Bram’s eyes flutter shut at the touch, his lips parting ever so slightly. “You are so beautiful.”

Bram knows what’s coming next, but it still doesn’t prepare him for the feeling of Simon’s lips on his. It’s soft at first- so soft Bram is positive he’s imagined it- but then Simon’s lips are gently moving against his. The kiss is slow, each motion drawn out as if Simon is savoring each second. His hand is still resting against Bram’s cheek as he shifts his body so he’s straddling Bram’s lap, pinning him up against the tree. Bram’s heart is thundering loudly in his chest as he brings his hands around to rest on Simon’s hips, the slow and soft kiss quickly turning intense and passionate. Moments later, Bram finds himself pulling away to apologize breathlessly after his teeth accidentally clash against Simon’s.

“Why are you apologizing?” Simon asks as he looks at Bram, his cheeks flushed and chest rising and falling rapidly.

“I just...I’ve never done this before,” he stutters out nervously. “I don’t want to mess up.”

It isn’t until after he’s spoken that he realizes just how ridiculous he sounds. Bram’s sure that he’s just officially sealed away his chances of ever being kissed again- by Simon or anyone else. Instead of laughing, however, Simon smiles at him, not moving from his spot on Bram’s lap.

“That was absolutely perfect,” he tells him. The butterflies in Bram’s stomach kick into full speed.

“Really?”

“God yes,” Simon breathes. “Are you absolutely sure that’s the first time you’ve ever kissed anyone?”

Bram nods. “You told me to wait until I found somebody special, right?”

Simon’s smile widens at that. “I’m that person?”

“You’ve always been that person, Simon. For as long as I can remember.”

Simon leans over intending to kiss him again when suddenly his phone starts ringing. He groans as he climbs off of Bram before pulling out his phone and answering the call.

“Yes, dad?... No, I’m still out... Yes, I’m with Nick.... Wait, Nick’s at the house?... Oh...Yes I’m coming home... Okay…. I’ll see you soon... Bye.”

Bram looks over at him worriedly as Simon puts his phone away. “Are you in trouble because of me?”

Simon shakes his head. “I’m in trouble because Nick apparently doesn’t know not to show up at my house when I’ve told him to be my cover while I go out.” Simon then sighs and stands up, brushing off his pants. Bram does the same.

“So, how much trouble are you going to be in?”

“Lets just say I don’t think I’ll be able to see you again before you leave.”

Despite already being in trouble, Simon insists on walking Bram back to his house.

“When are you going to come back?” he asks as they stop at the end of the driveway. Bram grabs his hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m not sure. I’ll definitely try to come down as much as possible.”

“I’m going to miss you,” Simon says sadly.  

Bram frowns at that before leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss to Simon’s lips. “That’s to hold you over until the next time you’ll see me,” he tells him before leaning in once more and kissing him again. “And that’s because I like you so much.”

Simon smiles at that, but it doesn’t reach all the way up like usual. “You know, as much as I loved our emails, I definitely prefer you as Bram. I couldn’t ever kiss Blue.”

“You just did, though,” Bram points out, earning a playful shove from Simon.

It’s a week before Simon’s name pops up on Bram’s phone again. Instead of a text, however, it’s an incoming Facetime call. His heart immediately jumps at the sight. Bram accepts it instantly, unable to contain his smile when he sees Simon’s face pop up on the screen.

“Hey, you,” he greets. “Are you off punishment?”

“I am officially un-grounded,” Simon announces happily. “Although, for what it’s worth, I would get grounded ten times over if it’s for spending time with you.”

“I don’t think it’s the fact that you were spending time with me. It’s the fact that you were lying about it,” Bram teasingly points out.

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” Simon rolls his eyes. “How’ve you been, though?”

“I’ve been okay. School’s kicking my ass and I can’t ever seem to concentrate anymore because whenever I close my eyes all I can picture is you.”

“That’s funny, because I picture you more than just when I close my eyes.” There’s a smirk on Simon’s face and Bram bites his lips as his cheeks warm up. Simon knows exactly what he’s doing, and it’s not fair. Luck is certainly a double-edged sword: Bram finally finds an amazing guy who likes him back, but he lives hours away. It’s a cruel, cruel world.

They continue to talk for hours, catching each other up on their lives since Bram left. It’s only been a week but it feels like centuries have passed since that night in the park. Bram’s about to end the call so he can start getting ready for bed but Simon stops him.

“Bram, can I ask you something?”

The next week, Bram is tucked comfortably in his bed with his laptop. He logs on and goes straight to Youtube, clicking on Simon’s account. It’s very surreal watching his videos now that Bram is an intimate part of his life; it’s a feeling he’s still getting used to. He is now a part of the world Simon’s created and he’s actually spoken to Simon’s friends (and family, thanks to Mr. Spier “accidentally” walking into Simon’s room during their conversations) over Facetime. They really aren’t just strangers on the internet anymore. It’s incredible how much can change in such a short amount of time.

As Bram clicks onto Simon’s recent uploads, he already knows what the video this week is going to be about, but it still doesn’t prevent his heart from momentarily ceasing when he reads the title:

Storytime: How I Met my Incredible Boyfriend