Chapter Text
Chapter 1
One beautiful summer day, the sky was clear, the air was clean, and two women walked along a well-traveled path to their next big adventure. Argo tagged along behind Xena at a leisurely pace. They are engrossed in a “guess who?” game of their own.
“Do they have long hair?” the enthusiastic bard asked, and the taller woman squinted her eyes as in concentration.
“Hmm...I’m not really sure they had any hair at all, Gabrielle.” Xena replied. Taken in by the shorter woman's exasperated response as she abruptly replied:
“So, they’re bald. Any facial hair?”
“Yes, now that I think about it.”
“What is surprising about facial hair? And how did you not notice it before now?” the blonde bard asked. She looked up to Xena and saw her tilt her head, her face grows a darker shade of red, and sigh before smiling again.
“I was focusing on other things at the time.”
“So, bald with facial hair. Would you say they were… ha! Taller than average?” Gabrielle gleamed.
“Why yes I would.” Xena said as she turned around in a bubbly sort of sidestep with a smile on her face.
“Gareth! It was Gareth!” the bard exclaimed. Proud in her conviction.
“No.” Xena replied. “No beard.”
“Darn. Oh look speaking of bald men with a beard…I think that is Salmoneus almost… running towards us? He never runs.”
“Oh you are cruel my friend.” Xena smirked, trying not to burst into laughter. Stoic warrior routine is a go.
“XENA! XENA! GABRIELLE!” Salmoneus called as he came closer.
“Thank the Gods, I have no idea what I would do if you were anywhere else but right here. It must be fate.” the salesmen proclaimed.
“And why is that?” Xena said in a flat tone.
“It is quite a story, would you like some tea? It is an excellent blend from the mountainous region east of here. The spices are top of the line! Top of the line.” the man entered his sales pitch about the profits of a spice trade and what not.
“This all sounds great but were you in such a hurry just to tell us about tea?” the inquisitive bard asked.
“Well, um...no. See here is the thing, and bear with me here. Please, your lives depend on it. Well, my life depends on it.” he whimpered. “See what happened is I ran an idea for a cooking showcase of talents by some not-so-forgiving investors. The showcase is where the best cooks would compete for a prize in a tournament while those from far and wide would come to see and spend their money of course.
In order to get money for the show, I broadened the pool of donors to some...not so legal participants. Myles -a warlord from the south- who gave money got wind that his rival Phyos -from the north- who also invested, and their mutual enemy, Andries the pirate, demanded a spot in order to symbolically cut out the competition and one up whatever monetary support the others gave.” Salmoneus stammered.
The ex-warlord examined the situation, while Gabrielle summarized, “So you wanted to put on a cooking show, and got warlords to support you. They now want to hash out their problems in a peaceful manner. I say go for it. Why is your life in the balance, as it so often seems to be? This is almost exactly like the beauty pageant!”
“Well here is the thing, it is an extremely large prize for the winner. They all gave so much that everyone who fails in the competition will be bankrupt. Who do you think they will come after for their money? Not the barkeep I can tell you that. I will be turned into shish kebab made of Salmoneus. Hors d'oeuvres de moi. And that is if they all survive.”
The bard was uncharacteristically quiet.
“If they survive?” the warrior inquired.
“Well...the warlords decided they wanted to up the stakes. They are all terrible cooks, and Phylos decided each leader should compete in person, and every loser should literally be chopped. Anyone to reject his offer would be a coward, you see? That is what they want to call the competition ‘Chopped.’” Salmoneus said.
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged looks. They knew they had to intervene.
Then after a moment of deliberation, Gabrielle stated, “Xena you are a terrible cook.”
“Ouch” the warrior said.
“These are true facts.” Xena then commented and shrugged looking at Salmoneus who went from standing still pondering the situation. His face then lit up as he exclaimed, “Hey Gabrielle, remember when you pretended to be Xena when she...fell ill? Oh please, please, please, Gabrielle you are an excellent cook, and I will cut you guys in on the enormous fortune. I get 40% of several army’s worth of fortune. I know that's not how you roll but think of the lives you will save!”
“The last time I pretended to be Xena did not go so well if you remember.” said a hesitant Gabrielle. Thinking back to the time Xena was on deaths doorstep and she got caught by warlords for doing the impersonation.
A long silence fell upon the trio, before Xena spoke up, “I can prevent their lackeys from sparking a war with one another at the end of each stage in the competition, and they all will disperse once their leaders are decapitated.”
“But then we will be essentially be murdering them. No trial. That is not right.” Gabrielle protested.
“I will be the executioner. There is a poison I discovered that mimics the symptoms of death, for a matter of days, then brings you back to the land of the living. The perfect death for a cooking show. We can bring them to the authorities when it is all done and over with. Salmoneus can introduce me as the renowned Dorian, who wears a robe so no one sees his face. Respectable and inconspicuous.” said Xena as she looked to Gabrielle for affirmation.
“What if...what if I don’t win?” the bard asked.
“Gabrielle, if you make those things with the red stuff inside then Zeus himself could not turn you down.” the blonde woman smiled, and they exchanged nods.
“I guess it is set then, on to the show!” Salmoneus said. As the three walked into the summer sun.