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He’s here again.
When Jungkook first sees him, the boy has his back to Jungkook but he spins around when he hears Jungkook’s footsteps.
“Hi.” He says, his voice soft. “Fancy seeing you here.”
Jungkook smiles softly and steps beside the shorter man.
“It’s my dream, after all.” He replies. “It’s you I should be surprised to see. But then again, I’m beginning to get used to finding you here.”
Jimin chuckles quietly, a low sound. “Do you always dream of the same thing?” He extends an arm to the area surrounding him. The high trees of the woods that circle the meadow they are stood in.
Jungkook thinks about it for a moment. He can’t remember really, but he’s pretty sure he’s dreamt of other things before.
“Only since you appeared.” He admits.
When he’s awake, he can probably count the amount of days and weeks it’s been since Jimin started appearing in his dreams, but at times like these - when Jungkook knows that he’s dreaming – it seems that time doesn’t exist, or it exists in a manner that follows no law. He’s had nights where he’s sat and talked with Jimin for what seems like days, and he’d had nights where they only have seconds together before he’s pulled out to the sound of his alarm.
Tonight is another short night before he’s rudely pulled away from the meadow – from Jimin – and he wakes up in his bed.
He groans as he pulls himself up from his pillow, the sound of Jimin’s voice still in his head as he dresses and brushes his teeth and joins Taehyung in the kitchen of their little apartment.
“Morning, sleepyhead.” His flatmate says, as Jungkook sinks down onto a chair. “Didn’t want to wake up?”
Jungkook shakes his head. “I had a good dream.” He says by way of explanation. He looks at Taehyung and narrows his eyes a little. “Do you ever have a dream… like a recurring dream. Of a person?”
“Like Hani from EXID?” Taehyung asks. “Because I’ve dreamt about her a few times-”
“No, I mean a person you’ve never met. A person who doesn’t exist except in your dreams.”
“Have you made up an imaginary boyfriend, Jungkook.” Taehyung laughs.
“No! It’s...” He wants to explain Jimin to Taehyung, but he’s not entirely sure that he knows how. He can barely even explain it to himself, let alone anybody else.
All that Jungkook knows is that he fell asleep one evening two weeks ago and Jimin was just… there, stood in the middle of this absolutely gorgeous meadow, and he’d just smiled at Jungkook.
"I guess this is your dream.” He’s said, smiling. “Sorry for crashing it.”
He’d put it down to being overtired, or just one of those weird dreams that stick with you but in the end, it’s just a dream. Jungkook had spent that afternoon glued to his sketchbook, scratching out lines and trying to remember features, but he couldn’t seem to remember everything – or even anything – and he wished that he’d spent more time taking the man in his dreams in because he knew that dream or not, he was the most beautiful thing Jungkook had ever seen.
But his image seemed to be fading in his memory as the seconds passed, because the stranger was just a dream and all dreams fade with time.
Jungkook had just given up after a while, slamming the sketchbook shut on a picture that was just an abstract shape of a face. It could have been anyone. He wouldn’t ever finish it, because he probably wouldn’t dream that same dream again.
But when Jungkook slipped into sleep that night he found the man in that exact place again, a calm smile on his face as he stood in the middle of the grass, his eyes closed. He didn’t even open his eyes as Jungkook approached him.
“You’re back.” He said.
“So are you.” Jungkook replied
And so it began.
One night, just a few days ago, Jungkook had asked a question. He’s not even sure why he bothered asking, because he knows that Jimin is just a dream. He doesn’t know why he’s dreamt up Jimin, but despite knowing he’s a dream he still seems so real. So tangible.
“Where are you when I’m not dreaming?” He’d asked.
There was a breeze in the air, Jungkook couldn’t feel it but he could see the leaves rustle as Jimin cocked his head.
“I’m not sure.” He answered slowly. “I’m not sure I’m anywhere.”
Jungkook had nodded slowly, as if that answered everything.
It didn't.
*
Jungkook’s sketchbook is half-full now, every page a new picture of Jimin.
He finds himself drawing a new picture each day, a new page. Whilst any two consecutive pictures don’t show much difference, looking at that first picture – that unspecific shape - compared to the most recent, a sketch of Jimin as he laughs at something Jungkook says - he’s captured the way Jimin’s eyes dance in the light, he’s drawn the way his nose crinkles as his lips tug up in humour – those two pictures side by side tell a completely different story.
Because every day – or more like every night – Jungkook discovers something new about Jimin, and even though he’s come to dread waking up he also can’t wait to put pencil to paper and illustrate this new discovery.
Jungkook hasn’t ever been the most creative of people – he’s the type to draw something right in front of him than create a new world – so he doesn’t understand how he could ever dream up something as perfect as Jimin.
His lifestyle hasn’t changed at all since Jimin’s appearance. He still goes to his classes and works his part-time job and hangs out with Taehyung and Hoseok and the others, but he’s taken to looking forward to sleeping.
Instead of forcing himself to stay awake so he can watch a new episode of his TV show or play another round of his game, as soon as he feels the first grip of tiredness he’s sinking into his bed and hoping – praying, even – that Jimin will be there.
He always is.
*
“Why are you always here?” Jungkook asks one night. “I mean, not that I don’t want you here… but aren’t people meant to dream about different things. It’s… weird.”
Jimin cocks his head. “Are you sure I’m a dream.”
“What? I mean… I’m sure I’m asleep.”
“I feel real.” Jimin says, his voice distant. When Jungkook looks over at him, he has a melancholic look on his face, almost the ghost of a smile. “Do dreams feel real?”
Jungkook doesn’t know anything about any of this. All he does know is that dream or not, he wants to take that sad look off Jimin’s face and replace it with a smile. He wants Jimin to always be happy, but Jungkook isn’t sure how to do that.
So instead he tears his eyes away and looks into the darkness of the trees surrounding them. “You feel real to me.”
*
“You’ve been weird lately.” Taehyung comments, three weeks after Jimin appeared in Jungkook’s life. “Distant.”
“I haven’t.” Jungkook replies, shoving a mouthful of burger into his gob.
“You have.” Taehyung retorts. “All you do at home is sleep. Either that or you’ve got your head in that freaking sketchbook and you won’t even let me look at what you’re drawing.”
“I told you. It’s private.” Jungkook replies. “I’ll show you when I’m ready. I’m just… I’m not ready.”
He’s not sure why he hasn’t told his best friend about the man he keeps dreaming of, about the way Jungkook spends his days feeling like he’s missing something and his nights wishing he could stop time or grab onto any particular moment because dreams are frail and have a tendency to slip away, and Jungkook doesn’t want Jimin to slip away.
He just knows that maybe Taehyung won’t get it.
Jungkook knows that Taehyung wouldn’t be judgemental, but he would laugh at the fact that Jungkook is this obsessed over a person he’s dreamt up and Jungkook gets it. It’s taken him a few weeks to get to grips with the idea that he’s falling for someone who exists solely in his head.
“It’s nothing.” He repeats, when Taehyung opens his mouth to speak again. “It’s just… a thing.”
“You said it’s nothing, then you said it’s a thing-”
“Just leave it.” Jungkook says, his voice a little steelier than he’d intended. “Just, please.”
Taehyung nods, and Jungkook is appreciative of the fact that Taehyung knows when to take a step back. He wishes he hadn’t been so forceful but…
He doesn’t want to share Jimin.
Not just yet.
*
“Do you think you could change the scenery?” Jimin asks one night. “This is pretty and all, but I’m getting tired of seeing the same thing every night.”
Jungkook frowns. “I’m not sure I know how.”
“It’s your dream, isn’t it.” Jimin shrugs. “Just… dream it away.”
“What should I change it to?”
“Something beautiful and peaceful.” Jimin smiles.
You’re beautiful, Jungkook wants to say, but he’s not sure he knows how to. It’s so much easier to think these abstract thoughts than to try and put them into words, and he’s not sure he could do Jimin justice with words.
He closes his eyes, and he thinks beautiful and peaceful and then he feels this pressure on his arm.
“You did it.” Jimin’s voice is quiet, but it’s full of awe. Jungkook is too preoccupied with the unfamiliar pressure on his arm that is Jimin’s hand. It’s the first time since they met that they’ve touched, and Jimin doesn’t seem to notice it but Jungkook does. “Open your eyes. Look.”
Jungkook opens his eyes, and he realises why Jimin’s voice has been so full of wonder. The grass beneath him has formed into a golden sheet of sand, and just feet in front of him the waves of a never ending sea are breaking. “It’s gorgeous.” He says.
“You made this.” Jimin says simply. “You made all of this.”
Jungkook isn’t sure whether Jimin is including himself in that sentence or not. He hopes not. He wants to remain blissfully ignorant of the fact that Jimin exists only in this imaginary plane of existence.
“It’s perfect.” He replies. “It’s all perfect.”
This time he is including Jimin, and he’s pretty sure Jimin knows this based on the way he looks at Jungkook with this long searching gaze, like he’s wanting something but he doesn’t know what. Jungkook is pretty sure that his own gaze mirrors that. Except he does know what he wants, he simply knows that he shouldn’t want it.
“Jungkook...” Jimin says slowly. Jungkook has heard his own name from so many lips before, yet he feels this warmth permeate his veins when he hears the word from Jimin’s lips.
Jungkook wants to say something, he’s not sure exactly what is right at this moment. He doesn’t know how to tell Jimin what he’s feeling right now, all he knows is that his heart is pounding in his chest and he feels heavy and light at the same time, and he probably shouldn’t be feeling all of this because it’s a dream and you’re not meant to feel these sensations in a dream. It’s not normal.
But how much out of any of this is normal anyway?
There are a lot of things that Jungkook should not be feeling in a dream, including this sensation that he wants to hold Jimin and he wants to say a million things and nothing at once.
He wants Jimin to be real, but he knows he isn’t. Yet at the same time, Jungkook is okay with that, at least that’s what he tells himself as he closes the space between them, his eyes a question that Jimin answers but tilting his head up to meet Jungkook’s lips.
It’s a long kiss, long and soft and all the things that Jimin is to Jungkook anyway and it’s different to any kiss that Jungkook has ever experienced because whilst everything feels so much more muted – the sensations feel almost distant – Jungkook feels this pressure mounting in him, and maybe it’s because he can feel himself getting pulled away at the most inconvenient moment.
As Jungkook wakes up in his bed, his lips tingling with the ghost of Jimin’s kiss, he smiles to himself but he knows it’s a sad little smile.
Jimin is real enough to him.
*
It’s as if everything in Jungkook’s life changes from that moment.
He’s already filled up two sketchbooks with images of Jimin: Jimin smiling, Jimin’s shy little laugh, Jimin the first time he told Jungkook he loved him. That’s a personal favourite of Jungkook’s.
Jungkook’s favorite is one where Jimin isn’t even looking at him. He’d turned to look at Jimin one night to find the other staring out into the expanse with a look Jungkook hadn’t originally been able to place on his face. As he sits down and sketches the look out, he begins the recognise the emotions on the other’s face. Hope. Sadness. Love. Resignation.
It’s painful for Jungkook to draw, because it brings him back to reality and he’s decided that he hates reality, but he continues to draw it because melancholy looks so good on Jimin.
It’s beautiful, and it’s the first time Jungkook feels like he’s got even close to capturing Jungkook’s true perfection.
And yet despite that, he keeps discovering new thinks about Jimin. The lines that appear around his face when he laughs – really laughs – and the way his adam’s apple bobs as he talks. All of these things make Jungkook even more sure that Jimin isn’t just a dream, and maybe that’s just because he’s been spending so much time in that dream world that he’s beginning to lose his grip on reality. It still doesn’t take away from the fact that Jimin is so real to him, nothing feels more real than the feeling of Jimin’s skin under his fingers, or the way Jimin’s fingers trail across his skin as they kiss lazily or grab and grasp and pull as things get more heated.
Nothing feels more tangible than the heat of Jimin on his neck as things get a little hotter, or the sounds Jimin makes when they finally let themselves go.
Even when Jungkook wakes up, his breathing heavy and his dick hard, he still refuses to believe it’s just a dream. It may be a dream, but it isn’t only a dream – it’s so much more than that now.
Maybe it always had been.
*
He’s sat in the flat with Taehyung, working on a sketch in the corner whilst Taehyung watches the news like an old man.
So far, the only interesting national story has been political, and it’s unlikely that the local news is going to be even the slightest bit more interesting and besides, he’s starting to feel the familiar pull of sleep and he can’t wait to see his Jimin again.
“I’m going to sleep now.” He says.
Taehyung looks up. “Goodnight.”
Jungkook is just standing up, papers in hand, when he hears it.
“In local news; We hear about Park Jimin, the local student who was found in his apartment after a failed overdose. Doctors will soon make the decision whether to switch off his life support.” He spins at the name, because Jimin is such a common name and yet there’s this itch in his brain telling him to turn and look at the screen because somehow this is important.
He’s unsure exactly what the order of events are from there, all he remembers is seeing the picture on the screen, and then his sketchpad is dropping from his grasp and Taehyung is on his feet and he doesn’t know what happens between then and the part where he’s sat opposite Taehyung in his room, a steaming cup of tea in his hand as he tries to put his thoughts in order.
“Jungkook...” Taehyung starts. “Why do you… why do you have a hundred sketches of the coma guy in your sketchpad?” He asks, and Jungkook appreciates how his best friend is trying to keep his voice even and steady even though this whole thing must be so weird and freaky to an outsider. Jungkook himself is fucking terrified. “Did you know him? You never mentioned him...”
“I’ve… been dreaming of him.” He replies, his voice quiet. He’s not sure where to start, but he needs to tell Taehyung because his best friend is looking at him like he’s insane and honestly Jungkook might be. It occurs to him that maybe he saw Jimin’s face in a newspaper or something and that’s why he’s dreaming of him. Maybe none of it is real after all.
“You’ve had a dream about a random guy who is in a coma?”
“Not just a dream.” Jungkook corrects. “More like a months worth. More than a month actually. I’ve dreamt of him every night. Or… I don’t know...I think I dreamt him. I think it was the real him in my dreams.”
Taehyung blinks. “Every day? For a month?” He shakes his head. “Have you spoken to anyone? A professional.”
Jungkook shakes his head. “It’s real, Taehyung. I can’t explain it… I have so many questions right now, but it’s always him and we talk, and it’s him. I just know it...” He trails, aware that he sounds crazy. “I can’t… explain it.” He says again. “But… Taehyung, you need to believe me.”
Rather than telling Jungkook that he’s insane again, which frankly is what Jungkook is expecting, Taehyung nods slowly.
“So I’m not getting this, but I’ve seen those sketches.” He says. “They’re so detailed. I don’t believe you could have drawn them from memory if you’ve seen him in passing.” Taehyung swallows. “There’s no logical explanation for this but...”
“...but you believe me.”
“Yeah, Jungkook I do.” Taehyung sighs. “But I’m not sure what difference it makes.”
Jungkook isn’t sure either.
On one hand, he’s happy. He’s so happy, because as crazy as this whole situation is, Jimin is a real person. Jungkook has fallen in love with a real person. He’s not sure how Jimin ended up in his dreams, but Jungkook now knows that he didn’t dream him up.
On the other hand, his heart is sinking. Jimin is in a coma, and Jungkook can’t be sure exactly how much of the Jimin in his dreams is the real Jimin. He feels so helpless, a feeling that only grows as Taehyung grabs his laptop and loads it up and searches for articles on Park Jimin. There are only a few, most posted just today though a few from local and college papers report on the initial story.
Twenty-two year old Park Jimin, a student at a local college, was found unconscious in his bedroom at two p.m. today. A note found beside an empty bottles suggest that this was an attempted suicide.
Two concerned friends found the student, and he was immediately taken into hospital in a critical state. Further details to follow.
Other stories are as brief in their reporting until Taehyung brings up a report from today.
Park Jimin’s parents have been warned by specialist doctors that Jimin may never recover consciousness. They have been advised to prepare for the worst. A team of doctors will make a decision in the coming days about whether to switch off the student’s life support.
A doctor working on the patient gave the following quote: “Jimin’s brain does not seem to be responding. Whilst he is still showing some brain activity he is not responding to normal tests. At this point, we are trying to ascertain whether Jimin’s brain has been damaged to an extent where he will not regain consciousness. I hate to say, but I believe he won’t be lucky.”
Jungkook shakes his head.
“He’s not brain dead.” He says. “Not my Jimin. My Jimin is smart and special and so alive and-” He chokes, trying to hold back the tears that are building at his eyes but he knows it’s a lost cause when the first one, two, three drop. “They would be killing him. I need to tell them-”
“Tell them what?” Taehyung says slowly. “That you’ve been dreaming of their coma patient and even though their tests say otherwise he’s probably going to be okay?”
“Yes-”
“You want to tell a team of medical professionals that and you think they will believe you.”
Jungkook slams his mouth shut. Taehyung is right. He’d probably be admitted into a mental hospital and fed a cocktail of drugs and he’s not sure how that would affect his sleep patterns.
“I need to tell him, then.” Jungkook says. “I need to warn him. I need to figure out how this all works and I need to tell him that he needs to get better. He has to.”
“You love him, don’t you.” Taehyung says.
“I really do.” Jungkook replies. “I know this whole thing must seem so weird and fucked up to you, but it’s so real to me. He’s real to me.”
Taehyung nods. “Go to sleep, Jungkook. Tell Jimin I said hi.”
Any other time, maybe Jungkook would have thought that Taehyung was being funny – making fun of Jungkook and his craziness – but Jungkook knows that he’s being serious. He knows that Taehyung believes him, or at least is on his way to getting his head around the situation.
*
For the first time in weeks, Jungkook doesn’t fall straight to sleep.
He tosses and turns for what feels like eons, the minutes ticking into hours on the digital clock on his bedside table. He needs to see Jimin, he needs to see him tonight, but he’s thinking so much about it that he’s stopping himself from sleeping. He tries flipping his pillows and switching positions. He tries everything, and eventually he falls into a restless sleep, but he only needs minutes with Jimin. He wants hours, days, years even. He will take minutes right now.
“I’m sorry I’m late.” Jungkook says, as he steps onto the cliff. He dreamed up the new setting a few nights ago, when Jimin had wistfully said that he wished there were cliffs.
“I hadn’t noticed.” Jimin says.
Of course. Jungkook isn’t even sure what Jimin does when he isn’t here. He’d told Jungkook all those weeks ago that he’s unsure what he does when Jungkook isn’t around.
It’s just another question about this whole thing that can’t be answered.
“I need to talk to you.” Jungkook says.
“I’m all yours.” Jimin grins, but the smile drops when he sees the look on Jungkook’s face. “What is it?”
"Do you remember… anything? Before all of this?”
“I remember a life...” Jimin says quietly. “Why?”
“You didn’t tell me.” Jungkook says.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d dreamt up a background for me.” Jimin replies. “I didn’t see how any of it could be real. My existence is only here, when you’re asleep.”
“That’s not true.”
“Jungkook… let’s not talk about this again-”
“It isn’t.” Jungkook says, more forcefully. “Because you do exist in the real world. You really do. I know you do.”
“What?”
“You’re Park Jimin, and for some reason you took it upon yourself to take your own life, even though you’re literally perfect but we’ll come back to that later.” Jungkook shakes his head. “Only you didn’t succeed, and now you’re in a coma and for some reason you’re also here in my dreams but your body is broken, and you need to go and fix it or else they’re going to cut the cord and you’ll die.” He chokes again, the tears from earlier threatening to spill again and he can’t let them because he needs to get this out. He needs Jimin to know everything.
“Is that… true?” Jungkook can barely hear Jimin’s voice through the pounding in his ears.
“Yes… and if you die in the real world I’m pretty sure that this you will go as well.” Jungkook finishes weakly. “Please don’t go.”
“Jungkook...”
“I don’t know how any of this works, but we need to figure it out. Promise me you’ll try, Jimin.”
“I… I’ll try.”
But Jimin looks as terrified as Jungkook feels, and as much as Jungkook is one for hope he can’t help but feel more hopeless right now.
*
Taehyung watches Jungkook carefully as he steps into the kitchen that morning, but he doesn’t say anything.
Jungkook knows that his friend has a million and one things that he wants to say, and he’s glad that he keeps them to himself.
He’s glad that Taehyung knows – he doesn’t need to go through any of this alone now – but his time with Jimin feels private and personal. He doesn’t want to share it. He wants to hold onto it and keep it locked in a corner of his heart because if the worst does happen, these are the memories he needs to keep safe.
He gets through the day in a daze, well aware of the way Taehyung is watching him like he’s about to combust at any second – he can’t blame his flat-mate, he honestly feels on edge and he might actually explode – he’s counting down the minutes until they get home, and the second they walk through the front door, Jungkook is heading to shis bedroom.
“I’m going to have a nap.” He says, and Taehyung nods.
“You don’t need to explain.”
It seems like maybe Taehyung is coming around to this whole idea after all.
*
He’s half hoping that Jimin isn’t there, because then maybe Jungkook could believe that he’d found the way back into his brain. Maybe it would mean that everything will be okay, but Jimin is sat with his feet hanging off the ledger, staring out at the waves. They’re crashing more heavily today, and Jungkook realises that this whole plane is influenced by how he feels.
He sits silently next to Jimin, letting his own legs dangle into the void.
“I tried. I really did.” Jimin says after a moment. “Every moment I’ve been aware of, I’ve been thinking of my body. I heard a voice, just before you arrived. Everything was dark and I heard a voice and I tried to follow it. I promise I tried. It was so distant though...” He shakes his head and swallows. “I don’t know how to fix this, Jungkook.” He’s shaking, Jungkook can feel it. There’s a tension in the air that he can’t pin down but he knows it’s resonating between them.
“I know you did.” Jungkook says, and he believes it.
“I don’t want to die.”
“Jimin-”
“No, listen. Please.” Jimin says. “If I can’t get back, maybe I’m not meant to. Maybe I really am brain dead and this is the last piece of me to let go, and if that’s the case I won’t fight it but I need to say this. Please.”
Jungkook wants to argue, but there’s urgency in Jimin’s voice that he’s never heard before so he lets him speak.
“I just… I need you to know that… I tried to kill myself-”
“I know that-”
“I know you know, but I’m telling you why.” Jimin says, his eyes piercing into Jungkook’s. “It’s because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a fall back. Never number one in anything. I’ve always felt like even if I’m good at things there’s always going to be someone better available. At best, I’m second choice.” Jimin shakes his head. “It’s not for lack of trying either. It just… got me down to a degree where I was so fucking unhappy. I couldn’t let myself exist in that world any more.”
“Jimin...”
“But things have changed now. I’ve met you.” Jimin smiles. “And I’ve actually been wondering if maybe this is all my dream and I dreamed you up, maybe you’re like… my conscience.” He laughs lightly. “But this is all too real. It’s too powerful. Plus, I’ve never loved any part of myself, but I love you, so I guess that can’t be the case.”
He looks over at Jungkook with a fond smile. “I… I could go back to my life now, because I know that you love me. I want to meet you in a world where I can experience all of this for real, because this is real but I want everyone to see us. I’m not making any sense...”
“You are.” Jungkook replies, “because I feel the same.”
“If I die, it’s my own fault.” Jimin says.
Jungkook shakes his head. “You won’t-”
“I might.” Jimin says softly. “And if I do, please pretend this was all a dream.”
Jungkook doesn’t have the chance to reply what he wants to, because he’s pulled out of sleep by his alarm, but Jimin’s words are ringing through his head.
Jimin might have given up, but Jungkook hasn’t.
*
He’s in class when Taehyung calls him.
At first, Jungkook is just annoyed because all heads turn to him, so he rejects the call and smiles sheepishly at the class. Then the phone rings again and Jungkook sighs as he grabs his stuff and slips outside of the room.
“What?” He hisses as he answers. “I’m in class-”
“The doctors made the decision.” Taehyung says. “And it’s not good. They’re switching off Jimin’s life support tomorrow afternoon.”
“What-”
“I thought you ought to know.”
“I-”
“He’s at Asan Hospital. Do with that information what you will.”
Taehyung ends the call, and Jungkook is stood in the hallway reeling from the information he’s just been given. He wants to go home and go to sleep and tell Jimin goodbye, but he’s not sleepy and he’s afraid and he doesn’t want to tell Jimin. He needs to tell Jimin, or would Jimin rather not know.
Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin.
That one word permeates Jungkook’s brain as he walks slowly out of the building and in any direction his feet will take him, and honestly he’s not sure where that is. He’s almost in a zombie like state as he boards the bus and pays his ticket and takes a seat and watches as the town changes into the city.
When he gets off the bus, he’s stood outside Asan Hospital and he’s not even sure what he’s doing here, because there’s the dream world and the real world and he doesn’t know how to pull these two places together. All he knows is that Jimin is inside that building somewhere – the real Jimin, the one that exists in the same world as Jungkook.
He walks through the doors and towards the desk.
“I’m looking for Park Jimin.”
The receptionist doesn’t even look up from her computer as she gives Jungkook directions to ward 24. Jungkook barely takes them in, he’s already walking down the corridor as fast as he can. Past ward 12 and 13 and more and more until he’s in front of the ward door. He’s buzzed in and slowly approaches the nurse’s station.
“Park Jimin.” He says, his voice shaking either from the rush of getting here or nerves because he’s not even sure what he’s going to do. He wants to say goodbye to this Jimin as well, he feels this pull to do so.
He walks slowly to the private bay where Jimin is being kept and knocks on the door. It’s opened by an older man with lines so heavy around his face that Jungkook knows it must be Jimin’s dad.
“I’m a friend of Jimin’s.” He half lies. “I… I want to… I heard the news. Can I… see him?”
“I’m sorry, but family only right now.” The man says. “You should have visited in the last month-”
“I only heard about the accident recently. I was travelling.” Jungkook lies. “But please… I need to see him. I need only five minutes. Please.”
Maybe it’s the desperation in his face or the tears threatening once again to fall, or maybe Mr Park just doesn’t have it in him to fight right now. Jungkook isn’t sure exactly why Mt Park lets him in with a sigh, but he’s glad he does.
“His mother and our family are getting dinner. I will give you a few minutes, then please leave.”
Jungkook is grateful as Jimin’s father leaves the room and pulls the door shut behind him, and Jungkook is left alone. Or not alone, because on the bed is Jimin. His Jimin.
He has tubes and wires everywhere and he’s thin – so, so thin – but there’s no question that this is Park Jimin. He approaches the bed cautiously, unsure of what he should say or do.
The silence is only broken by the steady beeps from the machine above Jimin’s bed, and Jungkook is reminded that tomorrow this machine will be silent. Jimin will be free of these wires keeping him alive.
He swallows, his throat painfully dry.
“Hi.” He tries, disgusted at how broken his voice sounds. “It’s er… me. The real me.” He chuckles, but it sounds like he’s choking on broken glass. “I just… wanted to try. Maybe. I just wanted to ask you to come back, Jimin. I need you to come back. If you don’t it’s all over. I don’t know what happens if you do wake up, but please… please wake up. Please try. I love you. You told me you would try.”
He’s not sure if it’s just a flickering light, or a trick of the eye, but Jungkook could swear that Jimin’s eyelid flickers. He tries again, watching more carefully.
“Can you… try again? Please?” There it is again, that small flutter. It’s barely anything, but for Jungkook it’s absolutely everything. “Jimin? Come on baby, you can do it.” He takes Jimin’s hand in his so carefully. “Try to move again.” There’s the tiniest bit of pressure on his hand where Jimin’s own fingers are and Jungkook’s heart pounds. “Come on. A little more. Please.”
More pressure, and then there’s the eyelid flicker again.
Jungkook smiles, breathless. “You’re doing it. You’re waking up, aren’t you.”
And in response to that, Jimin’s whole body begins the move, and the machines around him seem to go haywire. The door is thrown open and in the doorway is Jimin’s father.
“What are you doing to my son?!”
“He’s waking up.” Jungkook says. “Look-”
“Oh my- Jimin!”
It seems like at that exact moment, Jimin’s whole family get back, and Jungkook is pushed out of the room. Through the small window, he watches as everyone crowds around Jimin, yells of excitement are audible even through the door.
Nurses and doctors rush past him, ignoring Jungkook because as he realises, he’s nobody.
None of these people know him. To Jimin’s family he’s just a friend who came to say goodbye. They won’t ever know about Jungkook’s real relationship with Jimin. They won’t even know about the kisses, about the tender moments. They won’t ever see Jungkook’s art, the only proof he has of their time together. They wouldn’t even humour him if he tried to explain it.
Jungkook realises at that moment that he has no place in Jimin’s life here. Not right now.
So he slips out of the ward and makes his way home, a journey that seems so much slower and bleaker than the one here. He climbs the familiar steps to his flat and lets himself in and walks into Taehyung’s room.
“He woke up.” He says.
“That’s great news!” Taehyung says, spinning around with a smile. He frowns when he sees Jungkook’s face. “Isn’t it?”
“It is...” Jungkook says. “But… he’s gone from my dreams now.”
“Isn’t that what we wanted? Besides, you can always go and speak to him now. Didn’t he see you at the hospital.”
“I left before he opened his eyes.” Jungkook sighs. “I just… I realised that reality is different from dreams, you know? He already has a life.”
“He tried to kill himself.”
“It’s just… better off this way.” Jungkook says quietly. “Okay?”
“Okay...” Taehyung replies, but he doesn’t look entirely convinced.
*
The first night after Jimin wakes up, Jungkook dreams about flying.
He’s soaring over a town, and he can see everything, and he should feel free, but he wants to get down. He feels out of control, like he’s going to keep going up and up and up until he smashes through the stratosphere and ends up drifting through space alone forever.
He wakes up in a cold sweat, heart pounding in his chest.
The second night, he dreams that he’s trapped in an undertow, waves dragging him down and down, deeper and deeper, and the moment his lungs are filled and he’s about to die he wakes up.
After that, Jungkook tries to stay away from sleep. Even when he isn’t having nightmares, he’s either not dreaming at all or dreaming about the most ridiculous things. Either way, he wakes up with this nagging feeling on loneliness in his chest, like he has a piece missing. It’s pretty obvious what that piece is.
Taehyung is still following the Jimin news, which mostly is the Facebook group page where they post updates, and he keeps trying to share things with Jungkook but selfishly, Jungkook doesn’t want to know.
“I can’t let myself think about him.” He says.
“He’s all you think about anyway.” Taehyung argues, but Jungkook just slams the laptop shut and walks away, because Taehyung is right. No matter how much Jungkook tells himself that he’s best not being in Jimin’s life and that he’s done his part in bringing Jimin back, the end, he still can’t stop his mind wandering to Jimin the second he’s not otherwise occupied.
What he won’t tell Taehyung is that he did read one of the posts, a blog from a family friend about what Jimin can remember. One particular paragraph stands out to him:
He dreamt when he was in the coma, the same dream all the time. Jimin was not willing to share this with me, said it was personal and something he needs to keep to himself.
Even with the sentence being as vague as it is, Jungkook just knows that Jimin is thinking of him. He thinks that Jungkook was a dream.
Jungkook tells himself that it’s for the best, that Jimin needs to be with his family and that being around would just complicate things. What’s to say that things would ever work out in this reality anyway? He tells himself that he’s glad that Jimin remembers him at all, that maybe those fond memories will be enough to keep Jimin out of that dangerous frame of mind again.
Still, that sinking feeling keeps setting in.
He loses focus on his school work, and a lot of that is probably to do with the fact that he’s barely sleeping. The dreaming is okay. At least during that time Jungkook is oblivious. It’s waking up to the ache in his chest that’s painful.
He still draws, every memory of Jimin that he has goes onto paper, and maybe it's a little obsessive because he's gone through so many sketchpads and his trashcan is full of waste paper that Taehyung eyes every time he walks into Jungkook's room. It's all Jungkook can do to hold onto the memories though, even though he knows he should be doing the opposite.
He loved Jimin, he truly did. He just knows that he needs to let it go.
*
The days merge together, and eventually the weeks and months and seasons do, and all of the dreams are still engraved into Jungkook’s memories but the load is getting lighter now.
It’s the first day of the new college semester, and Jungkook is as always running late. He’s not even had time to grab his morning coffee, and from what he’s heard Professor Seokjin can be a real ball-buster when it comes to tardiness and punctuality. That’s why Jungkook is running through the quad manically trying to get to class on time. It’s a futile mission, he’s already late.
He runs head first into what he first thinks is a lamp-post, and said lamp-post needs to be very sorry because in the collision Jungkook has dropped everything and now he’s going to be even more late. He might as well skip class.
Then the lamp-post speaks.
“I’m so sorry. Let me help you.”
The gentle voice lights a spark of familiarity in Jungkook, but he doesn’t catch onto that for a moment, because he’s too busy gathering his stuff from the floor.
“This is me...” The other person says softly.
Jungkook looks up, his eyes meeting warm almond eyes that widen with familiarity when they take in Jungkook’s face.
Jungkook himself stills, before reaching forward to see if the being in front of him is real, because Jungkook has dreamt about this moment but never actually expected it to happen.
“You’re real.” He whispers.
“So are you.” The other says, his voice full of wonder. “I thought you were a dream. Is this… a dream?”
Jungkook shakes his head and swallows, a page of his notes flies away but he honestly couldn’t care less.
“I’m real. You’re real.” He laughs lightly. “We’re both real. Park Jimin and Jeon Jungkook.”
“Wow...”
Jimin’s eyes widen before he opens his mouth with the smallest of smiles.
“It’s nice to meet you officially, Jeon Jungkook.”