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It’s their final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the autumn term having just begun. The clock is ticking closer and closer to the 2nd of September, and the night is silent. Well, the night is silent outside of the castle, in the hallways, in the common rooms, but in some dorms of all four houses students are keeping the celebrations going long after the end of the feast.
One of these dorms is located in the Gryffindor tower and it belongs to the Marauders . James Potter was made Head Boy for his last year, but ironically he was the one to smuggle the firewhiskey into the school this time.
They’re sitting in a circle on the floor and the room is filled with pure joy, although the atmosphere has been heavy with some kind of sadness since they arrived. Peter is passing a bottle to James who happily swallows big gulps of it then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Alright you gits, we should play a game,” Remus states as he places a cigarette between his teeth and lights it with a match. It’d be a lot easier to light it with magic, but the boy has always preferred the muggle way.
“Oi, Moony, I want one,” Sirius says as bold as ever, interrupting James who was about to ask what game Remus had in mind.
Instead James turns his head to quirk an eyebrow at his best mate sitting next to him. He passes Sirius the bottle of firewhiskey and asks, “Huh, weren’t you supposed to quit?”
Sirius grins at James as Remus passes him a cigarette and with a snicker he puts it between his lips and leans forward to touch it to Remus’, lighting it after a few tries. He closes his eyes and takes a deep drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs before slowly blowing it out through his nose, a content smile plastered on his face.
He opens his eyes again and this time leans towards James. The older of the pair blows a strand of hair away from his face, which only falls back into his eyes again. With another snicker and a crooked grin he says, “Oh Prongs, dear , I’m Sirius Black! I’m not a quitter.”
As Sirius’ casual snickers turn into a full on laughing fit, James just rolls his eyes at him and turns back to face Moony and Wormtail. He voices his question about what game Remus wanted to play.
“Well,” Remus says through another drag, smoke spilling around his words as he speak, “I thought we could play Never Have I Ever , or some shit.”
At that Sirius immediately stops laughing and he looks at Remus with wide eyes, ash falling from his own cigarette. “Yes! Oh bollocks, I love that game!”
Remus grins at him and Peter reaches for four more bottles of firewhiskey, having just finished the previous one. James eyes his mates suspiciously, knowing from past experiences that Never Have I Ever usually doesn’t end well with the Marauders. This time though, he doesn’t voice his thoughts and joins his friends with a mischievous grin.
“Alright, alright! So does everyone remember how to play this game?” He asks the rest of them.
“Duh, Jamie, we’re clearly not drunk enough to forget some simple rules,” Sirius tells him as he leans back against the bed closest to him. James’ thinks it’s Remus’ bed.
“ Clearly ,” James responds with another roll of his eyes.
“You know,” Remus says as he ashes his cigarette, eyes following his own movements before drifting to Sirius sitting opposite him. “That’s just pretty ironic coming from you, Pads.”
Peter speaks up before their light bickering can turn into some kind of debate. “Can we just play already so we’ll have a chance at actually becoming drunk? Seems like the rest of you lot are doing everything but drinking at the moment!”
And that’s all it takes because soon Sirius is sitting up straight again and Remus puts out his cigarette and James opens the bottle Peter hands him.
“Aight, just remember, no downing the bottle in one go,” James makes clear as he places it by his side, casting Sirius a narrow look. “Right, Si?”
“Yeah, yeah, just start already and I won’t,” the oldest of the group responds, opening his own bottle.
“I’ll start!” Remus almost shouts with a grin. “Never have I ever… gotten stood up.”
James glares at him as he takes a drink, Peter follows suit. “Never have I ever smoked in our dormitory,” the latter says after wiping his mouth. Remus and Sirius happily drinks from their bottles.
“Alright my turn!” James declares with a wide grin. “Never have I ever, uhm… shagged someone in a public bathroom.”
The room falls quiet as three pairs of eyes land on Sirius who’s yet again gulping down another drink of firewhiskey. The oldest boy looks up and raises his eyebrows at his mates as he puts out his cigarette against the bed his sitting by.
“What?” He asks, licking his lips. “Oh come on! He was cute so I sucked him off after class, end of story.”
“After class ?” Remus chokes out. “Wait, so he actually goes to our school?”
“Yeah, well, he used to, think he graduated last year,” Sirius tells him with a shrug, eyes searching for the packet of cigarettes.
“So you’re really sucking off random students between classes?” Remus questions as he fishes for the packet in his jacket pocket, passing Sirius another cigarette. James and Peter are just silently watching it all unfold.
“Once, Moony, just once did it happen between classes,” he mumbles with the cigarette between his lips, lighting a match. After taking a drag he continues speaking, saying, “And he knew who I was, who I am.”
“Why, of course he did,” Peter chimes in.
“Well,” Sirius gives him his signature smirk, before blowing out little clouds of grey smoke. “He needed a name to moan, don’t you think?”
And just like that the game was over, way quicker than it had begun. James still hasn’t said a word since Sirius’ confession, but he’s stopped listening long ago. This time it was his turn to down his entire bottle first.
_ _ _
Getting out of bed the following morning isn’t exactly an easy task for four very hungover boys, but somehow they all manage one by one. Peter and Remus leave first, actually trying to get some breakfast before the very first class of the year. Sirius would join them, but James, poor James, refuses to actually leave his beloved bed for another ten minutes at least.
Sirius is sitting on the edge of it and he slowly rubs his palm over his best mate’s back. James just whimpers and groans at the sunlight slipping through the curtains to their room. They’re both going to be late, already catching a detention and school hasn’t even properly started.
“You know, Prongs, maybe you shouldn’t have finished the two last bottles without us,” Sirius murmurs in a half teasing, half gentle way. He sighs when James only whines in response.
“Shut up, Padfoot,” James mumbles into his red pillow.
“Really though, I have no idea what flew into you but it’s been quite a while since I saw you that pissed,” the older boy continues, like he hasn’t even heard what his friend said.
“Just-” James rolls over and throws the pillow right at Sirius’ smirking face. He then groans at the sudden and sharp movement and shields his eyes with his arm from the brightness filling the dorm. “I want my baby back. Give it back.”
Sirius watches James fling his other arm around helplessly, trying to locate the pillow but soon giving up. He tosses the pillow to his own bed then leans down to grasp James’ shoulders, shaking him carefully. “Hey you, Mr. Head Boy Almighty, this is certainly not setting a good example for younger students.”
“Then they shouldn’t have made me Head Boy,” he mumbles grumpily, but Sirius still catches the grin in his voice.
“You’re right, they shouldn’t,” Sirius responds. He slowly moves James’ arm away from his face and hands him his glasses. “But they did so you better start acting like it.”
“Pads, you’re so full of shit,” he claims as he puts his glasses on and blinks as everything comes into view. “Like you actually believe any of the crap you just pulled on me.”
Sirius snickers as he shakes his head and helps his best mate sit up next to him on the bed. “I really fucking don’t, wouldn’t ever sink that low.”
James sighs and leans his head against Sirius’ shoulder, the angle slightly awkward due to the latter being a tad bit shorter. But Sirius just smiles that content smile of his, although James can’t see it, and leans his own head against James’.
“Can’t we just…” James says through a sigh and teasingly nudges Sirius with his elbow.
“Can’t we just what?” His best friend asks as he nudges him back.
James smiles, it’s soft and Sirius recognizes it as his smile, the one he only ever gives to Sirius. “Can’t we just drop out and move to some muggle flat in London.”
Sirius laughs and closes his eyes, listening to the other boy breathe slow, steady breaths. “We could, yeah, but who would take care of Moony and Wormtail, huh? Wouldn’t be fair. And besides, I thought you were gonna marry Evans?”
The room falls quiet and for a moment Sirius thinks James has gone back to sleep, but then the younger of the pair moves his head away and runs his fingers through his hair.
“Yeah, yeah, I will,” he tells Sirius as he stands up to get dressed. “Just wait and see.”
They don’t speak after that, walking to class together in silence. It’s comfortable, like it always is, but Sirius can’t help but notice that James refuses to meet his eyes when he looks at him.
_ _ _
They were given detention on Thursday after dinner, but neither were surprised. They still held the record of getting detention the fastest every term since their first year, and it would be a real shame if they lost it their last year.
Peter and Remus are in the library, hurrying off after having finished dinner, muttering something about some essay for some class Sirius doesn't take. The said boy is lying on a couch by the fireplace in the common room, playing exploding snap by himself. He would ask James to join him, but the younger boy’s busy trying to chat up Evans again.
With a sigh he attempts to put the cards away, but slips and helplessly watches them scatter all around the floor. He doesn’t make an attempt at picking them up again, finding no reason to worry about it.
After a moment he hears footsteps coming closer and he immediately recognizes them as James’. Sitting up, he’s faced with his yet again rejected best mate. “How did it go, Prongs?”
James pouts at him and looks away. “I’m going to bed. Come on,” he mumbles as he reaches for Sirius’ wrist and almost drags him up the stairs.
The older boy doesn’t question it, used to James’ sometimes strange behaviour when he’s upset. They change into pajamas in silence, and when James crawls into Sirius’ bed he doesn’t think twice of it. They’ve shared beds since they were twelve, almost needing each other just to fall asleep at night.
“So,” Sirius murmurs into the fabric of James’ shirt as said boy wraps his arms around his back. “I’m guessing it didn’t go that well with Evans?”
He feels the sigh more than he hears it, James’ chest heaving with the deep breath before slowly letting it out. “Not really, no.”
“Then what happened?” Sirius wonders. He wraps his own arms around his friend’s body.
“The usual shit, kind of,” James responds, tangling their legs together and shivering as Sirius’ cold feet brush against his ankles. “She said that even if she wanted to date me, which she doesn’t because she made that very, very clear, she can’t.”
Sirius hums and settles against James more comfortable, grinning when the latter pulls his legs away from Sirius’ cold feet. “And why can’t she?” He asks.
There’s a pause. It’s short but just when Sirius thinks James doesn’t want to talk about Lily Evans anymore, he speaks again, saying, “She said she can’t because I’m obviously into someone else.”
Sirius shifts, suddenly bubbling with curiosity. “Really? Who?”
“Well,” James clears his throat, going stiff against his best mate. “You. She thinks I’m into you.”
Sirius wonders briefly if he’s heard right, and when he knows he has, he sits up so fast he thinks he’s gonna give himself whiplash. “Me?” He asks and James nods. “But that’s bollocks, really, why would you be into your best mate? She must’ve lost her mind…”
James nods and plasters a grin on his face. He reaches out and pulls Sirius down against him again, nuzzling his silk black hair. “She must have, yeah. She’s probably just trying to confuse me.”
“But does it confuse you?” Sirius asks through a yawn. He snuggles against his friend, burying his face in his chest.
James shrugs and runs his fingers through Sirius’ hair, scratching his scalp. “I don’t know, Si. Should it?”
“ Prongs ,” Sirius warns him.
He sighs and closes his eyes, trying to sort out his thoughts with a tired mind. “Well, yeah,” there’s a pause then, “Makes me think what it would be like if she was a bloke, tha’s all. If it really would be any different.”
“For me it’s not any different at all,” Sirius tells him reassuringly, having long ago figured out his own sexuality. Sirius is a bloke who’s into girls, like he’s supposed to be going by the rules of society, but since he’s never really been much for rules, he’s also a bloke who’s into other blokes.
“But that’s you, Pads. You figured this out ages ago. You even have a name for it. Me on the other hand, I haven’t even played with the thought of being with another bloke, hell, not even another girl than Lily.”
They stay quiet for a while after that, only their slow breaths filling the silent room. Then, out of nowhere, Sirius shoots up again and grins down at James. It’s a mischievous grin, the one he always gets when they’re planning a prank or when he’s about to get something he wants.
“I’m gonna find you a handsome bloke. A redhead, possibly,” Sirius voices his idea, his grin only growing wider and that glint in his eyes shimmering in the dark room.
“Oh no, don’t you dare,” James says shoving him away. He lands on the floor, giggling. (But if anyone asks he was snickering, not giggling. James won’t tell on him anyway.)
“Prongs?” He asks as he climbs back into bed.
“Yeah, Pads?”
“Challenge accepted.”
“Piss off.”
_ _ _
“What about him?” Sirius nudges James in the side with his elbow. He eyes a Hufflepuff student chatting with his mates at the end of the hallway.
James stops walking and glances at his mate then at the student he’s still eyeing. “What about him, Si?”
“Well,” Sirius responds and turns his gaze back to James. “He’s cute, don’t you think? He’s ginger, not a Slytherin, and he’s actually not taller than you!”
“I don’t know, Padfoot…” James drifts off and looks away. “I’m not even used to the idea yet.”
Sirius gasps dramatically and slaps his friend on the arm. “Who are you and what have you done to my best mate?” Then he rolls his eyes and puts his hands on his hips like he’s about to curse James out. “You never hesitate, Prongs. You’re always daring and you never back down.”
To that Sirius earns a glare. James tells him, “Well, this time it’s not just some stupid prank! This time it’s about my sexuality .”
“So?” Sirius questions. A crease has started to form on his forehead, like he’s not quite understanding what James’ is getting at. “Are you not confident in it?”
And that earns him another look from James who’s staring at him like he must’ve lost his mind, too. “No, Sirius, I’m not confident in it! I’m not sure what I am! It’s not even been a whole day since I began questioning it!”
Sirius’ face softens and he moves his hands away from his hips. He doesn’t speak, just reaches for James’ hand and laces their fingers together. Beside him James goes stiff.
“Oi, what’re you doing?” He whispers through clenched teeth as Sirius starts dragging him down the hallway.
“I’m helping you grow used to the idea of dating a bloke, Jamie,” he states like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. To James, it isn’t.
“By holding my hand?” James responds, although he’s not even trying to pull it away, only gripping his friend’s hand back. “Besides, dating a bloke won’t be like this, I think.”
“Why not?” Sirius asks, genuinely confused, like he doesn’t get why dating a bloke and holding his hand would be any different.
“Because it’s you ,” the Potter boy answers.
“James, dear, last time I checked I was a bloke, and I’m pretty sure that I still am,” he said, rolling his eyes.
“Still not the same. You’re my best mate, Si,” he mumbles as they walk past the Hufflepuff students. The redheaded boy glances at the two Gryffindors briefly, eyes drifting down to their joined hands then away. It makes Sirius grin and slide closer to James.
_ _ _
Sirius is alone again. James has quidditch practice for the first time this term and Peter and Remus are back in the common room, the latter teaching the other some spell he doesn’t quite get.
The oldest Marauder wanders the halls of Hogwarts aimlessly, only avoiding other students. The last couple of events has made him think, but he’s not sure why, and he also doesn’t know if he wants to figure it out. James is questioning his sexuality, and Sirius tries not to dwell on it too much.
He ends up in front of the library and although he’s not that into studying, he’s into books. He’s kept that a secret from the rest of the Marauders, leaving the bookworm role for Remus. He enters the library silently, passing groups of other students studying, and makes his way to the back.
There’s a table in the corner behind a tall bookshelf and no one else is around. He kicks back a chair and takes a seat, putting his boot clad feet on the dark wooden table, crossing them at the ankles. There’s a book lying open on the surface in front of him, so he grabs it, and soon enough he’s lost in it.
At some point someone sits down on the chair opposite him. He glances away from the book and his eyes land on a familiar yet unknown face. He doesn’t close the book, nor does he put it away. There’s only a handful of people Sirius ever does pay full attention to. James Potter is the highest on that list.
“Hello,” the boy opposites him says.
“Hello,” Sirius repeats, giving the boy a charming smile.
It’s the Hufflepuff boy from earlier, the handsome redhead that he had spotted in the hallway and had pointed out to James. He finishes the page he’s on, marks it, then puts the book back on the table.
“I’m Sirius,” he tells the Hufflepuff. The boy blinks and tilts his head to the side, a smirk forming on his lips.
“I’m Harvey,” he responds, eyeing Sirius for a moment before meeting his gaze again. “Hold on, Sirius as in-?”
“Yeah,” he answers with a short nod. He reaches up and runs a hand through his hair, a habit he’s picked up on from James, although he refuses to admit it. “My name’s Black.”
“Are you proud of it?” Harvey then asks and this time it’s Sirius' time to blink because who does he think he is , just asking stupid questions like that without even knowing the person he asks them.
“No,” Sirius says at last. He moves his feet away from the table and wipes the charming smile away from his face. Leaning over the table towards the Hufflepuff, sternness painting his face, he continues, “But it’s still my name, Harveypuff.”
He wasn’t about to let other people make him smaller by shoving his own name down his throat. Honestly, he doesn’t understand how Harvey could’ve been sorted into Hufflepuff to begin with.
“Alright,” Harvey then says and there’s a short pause before his smirking again. Putting his elbow on the table and leaning his cheek against his palm, he changes the subject by asking, “So… you and Potter, huh?”
Sirius blinks at him again, trying to put the puzzle pieces together before he finally gets what in the world Harvey is talking about. “Oh! Yeah, no. It’s not like that. He’s my best mate, tha’s all.”
The Hufflepuff boy nods and Sirius notices his tongue darting out to slowly lick a line across his bottom lip before biting it, pearly teeth sinking into the soft looking flesh. “So that means-?”
“That he’s single, yes,” Sirius confirms as he looks away from Harvey’s lips, looking him straight into the eyes.
“Ah, no,” Harvey shifts in his seat, not leaning against his palm anymore. The smirk is still there though, haunting Sirius. “I was thinking more about you, actually.”
“Oh,” Sirius murmurs through a breath. He leans across the table, pink tongue wetting his own lips. “Is that so?”
Harvey nods, watching the Gryffindor closely. There’s no hesitation about this boy, he doesn’t back down.
“Tell me, Harvs,” the black haired boy says lowly, grasping Harvey’s chin between his thumb and index finger. “Do you smoke? Cigarettes, that is.”
At that, Harvey’s smirk changes into a blinding grin and he nods again, hand reaching up to wrap his fingers loosely around Sirius’ wrist. “I’m in Hufflepuff, Black. What do you think Puff stands for?”
_ _ _
“Where the hell have you been, Pads?” James asks as he stumbles into their dorm.
Sirius looks at him, taking in the curly hair still damp from James’ shower after quidditch practice. He’s laying in bed in his pajamas, glasses slightly ajar. The only other person in the room is Peter, but neither can see him because his curtains are closed. He’s most likely sleeping.
“Where’s Moony?” Sirius asks, an easy attempt at ditching James’ own question. He pulls off his shirt, dripping wet from the rain outside, then his trousers. He changes into sweats and a jumper James’ recognizes as his, but he doesn’t comment on it.
“Don’t know,” James tells him with a casual shrug. “Downstairs, I suppose.”
Sirius just nods and takes a seat on his best mate’s bed, sitting cross legged.
“Anyway, where were you?” James asks again and sits up to lean against the headboard.
“I’m sorry, Prongs,” Sirius chews on his bottom lip, tracing a narrow scar he has across the back of his hand. “You can’t date the Hufflepuff boy, I’m afraid.”
James frowns at him, trying to figure out what the hell Sirius means. Then he notices the faint bruises across the side of his neck and collarbones, knowing in an instant that they’re bite marks, hickeys .
“You stole my man!” He gasps, fixing his friend with a glare.
“He’s not your man!” Sirius defends himself. “You don’t even know if you’re into men!”
“Well, I can’t exactly figure it out if you’re gonna walk around stealing them!” James shoots back, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Oh shut up, will you! I don’t even like him, he just offered me cigs !” The older boy fires, crossing his own arms. “I needed a smoke, Jamie.”
“So you sold yourself for some cigarettes?” He questions, raising an eyebrow at his friend sitting opposite him on the bed.
“ Oh my God, Prongs ,” Sirius rolls his eyes and reaches for a pillow lying around on the floor. He throws it at James’ face. “You’re making it sound like I let him shag me from behind for a gram of coke, you git. Besides, I’m your man.”
“You’re not my man, Siri,” James sighs but still spreads his arms as Sirius crawls across the bed, wrapping them around the older boy as he snuggles into his chest, into the warmth of James’ body.
“Yeah I am,” Sirius tells him with a grin spreading across his features. “At least that’s what some of the students think.”
James laughs softly, the gentle rise and fall of his chest making Sirius’ head bob. “I’m not about to just fake date you, you arse.”
“Why not?” Sirius asks, pouting. “It might help you get more used to the idea of actually dating a bloke.”
James just sighs, letting the discussion drop. He’s too tired to argue with his best mate, anyway.
_ _ _
The first weekend soon comes rolling around. It’s a Friday night and three out of four Marauders are gathered in their dorm when the last comes crashing through the door.
“ How dare she!? ” He nearly yells, slamming the door shut behind him. He goes straight for his trunk, searching for whoever knows what. “I hate her! Merlin, do I hate her!” He grits through clenched teeth.
James shoots up from his bed and quickly makes his way over to his obviously upset friend. He puts his hands on Sirius’ shoulders and turns the shorter boy towards him. He refuses to meet James’ eyes.
“What’s going on, Si?” James asks softly, fingers gripping Sirius’ shirt tightly. “Talk to me. Look at me, please .”
Remus shares a look with Peter and they both get up. They may be two of Sirius’ best mates, but no one knows him as well as James does. Figuring they need to be alone, the two other Marauders swiftly leave, closing the door with a click.
Sirius is breathing heavily, raging breaths making his chest rise and fall in a fast pace. He’s quivering, James can feel it under his palms. He lets go of his shoulders to grasp his face, making the older boy look at him.
There’s a flaming rage in Sirius’ usually grey eyes. The glint his gone, as is the calmness always resting there. He’s only sixteen, soon seventeen, but yet so full of rage and sorrow. The latter is something he never lets anyone but James see.
“My mother,” Sirius mumbles, looking away once again. That’s all it takes for James to wrap his arms around his best mate, pulling him close against his chest. Sirius lets him.
He’s not sure for how long exactly he’s been holding Sirius, but his legs are now starting to get tired. He shifts slowly, moving away from his friend slightly, but doesn’t let go. Together they move to the bed closest to them, and when James lie down he pulls Sirius with him, like he always does.
Sirius’ breathing has returned to a normal pace, not raging anymore, only shuddering now and then. His half long hair covers most of his face and James itches to brush it away, but fights against it. Sometimes Sirius doesn’t want to be seen, usually that’s when he’s not feeling like himself.
The clock’s ticking and together they just lay there, tangled in Sirius’ sheets and each other. Time won’t wash their worries away, won’t make Sirius’ anger and sadness disappear, but it’ll help them heal, eventually. It might just take a while. Time can’t be rushed.
Just when James is at the edge of falling asleep Sirius pulls away. The older boy leans on his side and stares at James with a childlike wonder, like he’s completely forgotten who he is. He then whispers “thank you,” his voice only cracking a bit.
James smiles at him, his secret smile that’s only meant for Sirius and no one else. “The world’s a tough place, Sirius Black, but if anyone can make it here, it’s you.” He rolls on his side as well, lying face to face with his friend, and reaches out to finally brush his hair away from his face. The other boy doesn’t protest.
“James, I-” Sirius starts but doesn’t end, like he’s searching for the right words to use. It rarely happens. Then, when too much time passes, he shoves James onto his back again and leans over him.
Without hesitating the younger boy cups Sirius’ face with one hand, thumb brushing over his bottom lip. His other hand dips under Sirius’ jumper, calloused fingers caressing a well shaped waist. Sirius straddles James’ torso and grabs the collar of his shirt. Then, without warning, because frankly James doesn’t need one for once, he leans down, catching James’ lips with his own.
They crash together, even when they kiss. It’s messy yet passionate, like they’ve been doing this their whole lives. James thinks it’s a shame they haven’t. Sirius’ tongue darts out, demanding access to James’ mouth. The younger boy gladly obligates. They kiss until they’ve both lost their breath, panting into each other’s mouths between sloppy kisses.
James is smiling and Sirius is giggling when the latter pulls away to mumble a few words into the small space now separating them. “Fuck, Prongs, I can’t believe Evans was right.”
The Potter boy shoves at him but is still smiling when he pulls him down for another kiss. It’s soft, like his eyes when he looks at the boy above him. “Would you not mention my crush right now, thanks.”
At that Sirius pulls away fully, staring down at James with wide eyes and a gaping mouth. His lips are red and swollen from too many kisses and it’s the most beautiful thing James has ever seen.
“Your crush? ” Sirius gasps, jabbing a finger into James’ chest. “And here I thought you were confessing your undying love for me with messy kisses and a hard on.” By the time he’s finished talking there’s a grin on his face again.
He rolls his eyes at Sirius and pulls him down again, their lips meeting a couple of more times before it’s James turn to pull away and speak. “So I’m guessing this is the part where I offer you a pack of smokes?”
“Oi, watch your mouth, Head Boy,” Sirius mumbles against the other boy’s lips. He’s snickering though, and James can’t help the grin spreading across his face.
Later, when their lips are too sore from the kissing and James’ pants are way too tight for his own liking, they’re once again laying face to face with each other on Sirius messy bed. Their legs are tangled and James has a hand buried in Sirius’ hair, gently massaging his scalp.
“Jamie,” Sirius whispers. He opens his eyes to look at the boy opposite him. “You know I need you, I do.”
It’s rare of Sirius to speak of his feelings, having been taught from a young age that he’s actually not supposed to feel anything deeply at all. James often wonders how a mother willingly could destroy her own son without even hesitating, without regret .
It’s also rare of Sirius to need . He’s always want . He’s demanding, knowing what he wants and exactly how to get it. He’s never unsure, never once. He’s always piss off, I don’t want to , and I want to skip class, so I’m going to . He’s always want, want, want , but never need. He wanted to bum a smoke from Remus, but right now he needs James.
James needs him, too. He tells him that.
_ _ _
“I’m gay, I think,” James blurts out one night when he, Peter and Remus are sitting around the fireplace in the common room.
Peter looks up at him from where he’s sitting on the floor. He says, “I’m happy for you, mate,” before going back to practicing some new spells.
Remus nods and looks up from his book, giving his friend a genuine smile. “I’m glad you finally figured it out.”
James blinks at him, squinting through his glasses in confusion, “You mean, you knew? ”
At that Remus puts his book away, a very uncommon thing for him to do, and looks at his friend with softness in his otherwise tired eyes. “Prongs, mate, I’ve known since fifth year, I believe.”
“But how? ” James splutters because really, how could Moony have known two years before he did.
“Well,” Remus says through a breath. He taps his fingers against his knee, a sign James has learned to mean that he could really use a smoke right now. “You remember when Sirius came out to the three of us, when we were fifteen?” James nods.
He continues talking, saying, “I asked him to tell me how he knew he’s bi, and he told me what it’s like kissing blokes. He told me how boys look at you when they fancy you, and how you’re supposed to look at boys you find interesting. There’s a special look, James, and I recognized it when other boys in our year were staring at their crushes.
He told me about what it felt like, but also what it looks like, blokes loving other blokes. And then I saw you sitting where you’re sitting now, and you were talking to Sirius. Well, he did the talking, you did the listening. But you had this dreamy look on your face and it looked like everything Sirius had told me about. So I knew, I’ve somehow always known, I suppose. You never get that look when you speak of, or to Lily. It’s always been him , Prongs.”
And James understands now, because it’s always been Sirius. But part of him wonders that if Remus had figured it all out with a little help from Sirius, then Sirius must’ve known, too.
_ _ _
He finds Sirius in the library with some help from the Marauder’s map. The older boy is sitting by a dark wooden table in the very back, talking to the Hufflepuff boy from the other day.
“Oh hello, Prongs!” Sirius says cheerily as he spots the other Marauder. “Join us, will you?”
James comes to a stop in front of the boy he calls his best mate, slamming the map down on the table. The Hufflepuff boy flinches, but Sirius just frowns.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He demands to know, staring at Sirius with narrow eyes. He sees the other boy frowning harder than before.
“Jamie, what in the shitting fucks are you talking about?” The Black heir asks.
“Fuck, Si, why didn’t you tell me I’m in love with you?” He nearly shouts. Fortunately the only one around to hear it is Sirius and the Hufflepuff.
Sirius just sits there, staring at James like he’s gone absolutely mad . At some point the Hufflepuff boy gets up and tells Sirius, “ I’ll see you later, Black, ” before leaving the pair alone.
Then Sirius finally answers, not looking James in the eyes, telling him, “Because you’re not supposed to be.”
It’s the younger boy’s time to frown. He crosses his arms over his chest, like he usually does when his friend is making no sense at all. “What the hell do you mean I’m not supposed to be? That’s bollocks!”
“Well, you’re simply not supposed to be!” Sirius fires back as he shoots up from his chair, making it fall to the floor with a loud crash.
“Why not?!” James yells at him, fists now clenched by his sides. “People aren’t supposed to love people, it just happens ! Why can’t you let it happen?”
“Because I can’t love you back the way you deserve to be loved, you big fucking git!” Sirius yells back, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. It makes James frown again. “And don’t you fucking dare ask why , you know I can’t love you the best.”
And it all comes crashing down then, like it always does with James Potter and Sirius Black. It breaks his heart into tiny pieces, because he’s in love with the man of his life when he can’t be. He’s not supposed to be.
Suddenly Sirius is everywhere and the faint shrilling noise in his head grows louder as familiar arms wrap around him and James can only stand there as he wraps his own arms around the boy holding him. Sirius buries his face in his neck and he can’t breathe. The older boy has always been his anchor, but anchors aren’t supposed to sink their ships.
“Why can’t you understand, Jamie,” Sirius whispers into the crook of his neck, slowly swaying the pair from side to side. “Why can’t you understand.”
And James doesn’t answer, because he doesn’t need to. But he wonders why Sirius can’t understand that it doesn’t matter whether or not he can love James back, because James doesn’t need Sirius to love him the best, he just needs him .
“Where are you headed?” James asks way later when they’re both back in the dorm. He’s lying on his own bed, playing with a stolen snitch.
“Prongs, don’t do this,” Sirius responds with a sigh as he pulls on his jacket. It’s the same jacket James got him two years ago when he decided to come out as bi. Since then Sirius has stuck several pins and patches to it, one of them a button with pink, purple and blue stripes.
James just nods and turns his focus back to the snitch flying around his head. He tells himself that it doesn’t matter if the Hufflepuff boy had Sirius first, or that Sirius lets him. It shouldn’t matter, because Sirius won’t have either of them.
He catches the snitch as the older boy slams the door shut behind him, leaving James alone to his thoughts.
_ _ _
It doesn’t take long before Remus figures that something’s off. The atmosphere feels heavy whenever all four Marauders are together. James and Sirius doesn’t sleep in the same bed anymore and whenever the two boys are in the same room it feels forced, even if it’s in class or in the common room or in the dormitory.
Remus isn’t an idiot, and people who hasn’t even met him would agree. He’s an aged boy, having lived through a lot of things the majority of the other students at Hogwarts never will. He’s a scarred man, being a werewolf isn’t something he would wish upon his worst enemies. But if he were asked to trade the other Marauders for a life free from his lycanthropy, he wouldn’t even hesitate to continue being a werewolf.
He’s grown to love his three best mates more than anything in the world, and he knows that he can’t compete with James when it comes to Sirius, and he can’t compete with Sirius when it comes to James, cause it’ll always be them .
But although they’re probably soulmates, he’ll always be one of the most important people in their lives, whether they have one together or not. And that’s why it’s really taking its toll on Remus when James and Sirius has stopped being JamesAndSirius and can’t even be in the same room with each other.
He finds James on the quidditch pitch. It’s late and quite chilly, but lately James has been spending most of his free time out here. The rest of it he spends getting rejected by Lily Evans again. The first match of the year is just around the corner. Gryffindor is playing Ravenclaw.
It takes a while for James to notice him standing on the ground by the giant hoops, but when he does, he makes a quick dive and lands on his feet, broom in his hand, next to Remus.
“Hello,” James says, running a gloved hand through his already messy hair. Remus smiles at him.
“Hello, Prongs. Still practicing, eh?” He asks as he takes a seat on the ground.
His slightly younger friend nods and sits down next to him. Remus can see James watching him through the corner of his eye, as he pulls out a beaten packet of smokes. He puts one between his lips and offers James one, who accepts it with a faint smile.
“I know you’re here to speak to me about Sirius,” James tells him after lighting his cigarette. He watches his own match burn out before throwing it away.
“Really?” Remus responds, taking a long drag. “It was only a matter of time, don’t you think?”
James snorts and watches the smoke circle away into the darkness surrounding them. He doesn’t say anything, knowing that his friend isn’t done yet.
“Look, mate, I know I’m not Sirius, and therefore I’ll never be as important to you as he is, but you’re still the best friend I’ve ever had, and seeing you hurt is like watching a bunny trying to hop on four broken legs, meaning it hurts me, too .”
When he’s done talking for the moment he turns to look at the other boy, who’s just staring at him with knotted eyebrows and a pout. It’s quite a sight, to be honest.
“James, are you even listening to me now?” He asks with a roll of his eyes.
“Yeah I am, Moony,” he says through a cloud of smoke. “And what you’re saying is complete bollocks.” He plucks some grass from the ground and throws it at his friend, trying to make a statement. “ Bollocks , you hear me?”
Remus blinks at him, then frowns, for once not understanding what’s going on. But this is James Potter, and when Remus and Peter doesn’t understand him, Sirius Black does, and then they don’t understand him either.
“You’re as important to me as Sirius, alright? We’re the Marauders ! You and Peter will never be below Sirius.” James then explains when Remus still hasn’t said a thing.
At that, the werewolf snorts and ashes his cigarette, some of it landing on his washed out jeans. He really can’t care less. “But you’re in love with Sirius, James. It’s different.”
“It’s different, yeah,” the younger boy agrees, reaching up to adjust his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. “But romantic love is not more important than platonic love, Moony. I love you and Sirius at the same time, just not in the same way.”
And Remus nods and smiles at his friend because he thinks he understands now. It’s hard to tell, because the young boy has never actually experienced romantic love, always having thought it’s a special kind of love that should be treasured over everything else.
“Anyway,” James breathes out next to him. “It doesn’t matter if I’m in love with Sirius or not, because he’s not in love with me.”
And that is certainly the most stupid thing Remus has ever heard, cause Sirius not loving James is totally out of the question. Sirius loves James more than anything in this world. Hell, more than anything in the whole, wide universe. It’s just the way it’s supposed to be. The sun rise and fall every day, the moon controls the waves of the water, Sirius loves James.
“Now that’s bollocks, Prongs,” Remus tells the other boy as he takes a final drag of his cigarette before letting it burn out. “Sirius is not unable to love, mate, he’s just unable to voice it.”
It all makes sense now, after Remus put words on it. James has always known, because not once when he’s told Sirius that he loves him, has he actually said it back. He’s just muttered “ the feeling’s mutual ,” with a gentle smile. Sometimes he just smirked and said, lowly, “ you, too. ”
But Sirius Black does not say “I love you.” He shows his love through small gestures, like the way he brushes James’ hair away to give him a smacking kiss on the forehead, telling him, “Will you ever do something about that messy mop of yours, Potter?”
Because the oldest Marauder is not unable to love, no, he loves deeply with all his heart and soul and spirit. But part of him is unable to let himself be loved. He loves strongly, almost refusing to be loved in return.
Remus grins at his friend as the pieces fall into place. Realization is written all over James’ face and he’s gaping like a fish. The older boy shoves at him playfully, laughing softly as he tells James to “Just go and find him already, Prongs!”
So he does. He gets up and pretty much sprints back to the castle, still in his quidditch gear. He catches the moving staircases, makes his way through the portrait hole and up the stairs to the Marauders dorm. He makes a mess of his stuff trying to find the map, then at last finds it lying around on Sirius’ bed.
On his way to find Sirius, who’s in the great hall probably trying to catch the last bit of dinner, he only stops to throw a quick “hello” to The Fat Lady. Her voice rings through the halls as she shouts it back.
He throws the doors to the great hall open with a loud bang , making a couple of heads turn. He’s a panting mess, playing quidditch doesn’t exactly prepare one to run through a castle with way too many stairs and floors.
When he spots Sirius, he moves swiftly. The older boy isn’t sitting at their table, instead he’s sitting with the Hufflepuffs, and it would’ve annoyed the living shit out of James any other time, but right now the only thing on his mind is getting his boy back.
A flash of surprise spreads across Sirius’ face when James taps him on the shoulder. He then cups the sitting boy’s face and dips down to crash their lips together. Sirius pulls away with a sneer and asks what the fuck James thinks he’s doing.
“I’m loving you,” he tells Sirius then, and it is all it takes for the other boy to completely break and get up to grab James by the collar of his shirt and melt into his body as he kisses him fiercely, messily, desperately, with everything he has.
_ _ _
The other day Sirius runs into another familiar face. It’s a fifth year Slytherin, and even though Sirius tries his very best to avoid the house of snakes at all costs, some of them slip out now and then.
“Mother won’t be happy,” the young Slytherin tells him.
Sirius snorts. His mother’s joy is something he’s stopped caring about years ago. “She never is, Reg. What’s your point?”
Regulus shrugs but his facial features doesn’t change. Sirius has to stop himself from shuddering when he reminds him of Walburga, the sneer an exact copy.
“I’m just saying. Walking around and kissing a Potter, in public , mind you, won’t increase your chances of ever being allowed to come home.”
At that Sirius just sighs, feeling drained all of sudden. He’s not sure why Regulus believes that he’ll ever want to return to twelve Grimmauld Place, or if the boy is simply just wishing that he will, someday.
“I’m not going back there. My home is not with her,” Sirius tries to explain to his little brother.
This makes the boy frown and his bottom lip jut out slightly. “Then where are you supposed to go, Sirius? No one will have you.”
“James will have me,” he points out. It only makes Regulus frown more, clearly not understanding how one can possibly choose a Potter over a Black.
“Besides,” Sirius keeps talking, not giving Regulus a chance to speak up, “It shouldn’t even matter to you what I do, who I will become. You shouldn’t even interact with me. I’m disowned, remember?”
But Regulus probably doesn’t listen, never finding his older brother interesting enough to pay him any attention for more than ten seconds. “Whatever, Sirius. Just know that mother won’t be happy.”
“My duty is not to make her happy, mate.”
“Then what exactly is your duty?”
Sirius shrugs, then he tells him, “My duty is to offend.” And clearly, it’s working.
_ _ _
James joins him in bed again that night. He’s sitting against the headboard of his four poster bed when the curtains are suddenly pulled aside and a mop of messy curls pop through it.
“Hello,” James says, squinting in the dark without his glasses. “Mind if join ya?”
He shakes his head and soon there’s another boy sitting next to him on his red sheets.
“I ran into Regulus today,” he tells James in a gentle tone. He’s slowly tracing the markings in his wand with the tip of his index finger.
James puts an arm around his waist and pulls him closer. He tries not to ask too much about Sirius’ family, knowing it’s a sensitive subject for the other boy. But when Sirius comes to him about it, he never pushes, just listens. He knows he’s the only person to be trusted with this vulnerable information.
“He didn’t have a lot to say, just thought that I should know that I’ve yet again disappointed my mother,” there’s a short pause, then he says “Only she doesn’t know it yet.”
“Is that so?” James hums. He leans the side of his head against Sirius’.
“Yeah,” he says through a deep sigh. “He basically said that being seen kissing you won’t be good for my reputation. Then again, I was disowned by my own mother, so I don’t think I have much reputation left to ruin.”
James grins softly at that. Sirius’ family situation had never been easy, and he figures making jokes about it is a way of coping.
“And besides, who needs a good reputation with my awesome legacy,” the older boy says boldly.
“Yeah? What’s your legacy then, Pads?”
“The best pranks through history, shockingly good looks, and bisexuality. My kids better live up to at least two out of three,” he states, making a point by ticking them all of on his fingers with his wand.
“Your kids? Didn’t know you wanted kids,” James points out as he stifles a yawn with his free hand.
Sirius shrugs. “It’s not a need, Prongs. I’m not against it, but I also wouldn’t mind if I end up not having kids,” he tells his very best mate. “I’d like to have a daughter, though. I’d name her Carina.”
“Why Carina?”
“No matter how much I’m against traditions, I quite like the Black family’s one of naming their children after stars and constellations. Carina is a beautiful name, fit for a Black. She would be the brightest star in the north,” he tells James.
“Quite fitting for the daughter of the brightest star ever, eh? You’re my brightest star,” the Potter boy murmurs as he plants a kiss on the top of Sirius’ head.
“The brightest ones burn out the fastest, dear ,” Sirius points out, not actually knowing if it’s true. At least they’ll take the most of the light with them. Their absence won’t go unnoticed.
“I suppose,” James responds, fingers dipping under Sirius’ pajama shirt to draw light pattern on his skin. “Just make sure you’re careful when you burn out, you’re meant for a long life, Si.”
Sirius doesn’t tell him how wrong he thinks he is, because it’s better to burn out than fade away, and he doesn’t have a long life ahead of him. Sirius will go down in battle, fighting for a purpose. He refuses to die tucked into bed, just waiting for the Grim Reaper to take him away. There’s no careful way to burn out, and he won’t have it any other way. He’s going to die young.
“Jamsie?”
“Hmm?” James hums in response. He sounds tired, which isn’t unusual for either of them nowadays.
“I know you didn’t come to talk about my future kids. What’s on your mind?”
“I just-” he wets his lips then keeps going, “I came to talk about you, actually.”
That makes Sirius frown, but he’s not surprised. He does have a lot of issues that he doesn’t think he’ll ever sort out. “Me?” He questions. “What about me?”
“I’m in love with you,” James says like it’s the most comfortable thing in the universe. “And I know you love me too, even though you never say it.”
They fall quiet for a moment when James has finished talking. Sirius has a lot to say, but he doesn’t quite know how to form the right words and proper sentences. “You know I’m not unable to love, Jamie.”
James shakes his head, he knows this already. He knows that Sirius is able to love the deepest of them all.
“It’s just that, well…” He breathes in deeply, holding it for a moment, then letting it out through his nose. “I used to express my love in words a lot when I was little, and at some point, before I started school, I loved mother and father more than anything in the world.
“But as I grew older I started to become more aware of what they actually thought of me. I would always say, “Mum, dad, I love you,” but they would just nod and smile their forced smiles. They never said it back to me, only saying it to Reg. So I suppose I became more careful, because never hearing it back changed the way I used to throw the words around so carelessly.”
James doesn’t question it, knowing it’s way too true for his liking. He holds Sirius the entire night, the other boy drained and exhausted. He’s been to war, Sirius Black, and he’s still suffering from the experience. He’s been to war with himself.
_ _ _
Things seem to fall into place after that. Sirius doesn’t shut himself off anymore and although he sometimes spot Harvey on his way to class, he’s holding James’ hand, and the Hufflepuff boy is merely a pretty face. He’s always been just a pretty face.
The four Marauders can be in the same room again without the tension threatening to suffocate them all. Remus is just happy to see that James and Sirius have made up, even though there was never anything to fight about, only a misunderstanding.
“I’ve came to a conclusion,” Sirius tells his friends one day. Well, his two friends and boyfriend, is more like it. “Without some help from Evans, I wouldn’t be shagging the bloke who actually wanted to shag her . I’ve got to thank her.”
James snorts from where he’s lying on the grass. His eyes are closed, just listening to Sirius and Peter bickering as they play exploding snap. Remus has his head buried in a book about astronomy. (Sirius actually questioned why Remus would read about him when he could just talk to him in person right there. It earned him a hit with said astronomy book.)
“Without Remus’ help I wouldn’t have made out with you that evening in the great hall, so I should thank him,” James comments. He opens his eyes and turns to look at Remus. “Thanks, Moony. You got me the greatest shag.”
“Anytime, Prongs,” Remus answers and James goes back to half sleeping in the grass.
Sirius decides not to ask, because really, he doesn’t wanna know.
When it’s time for dinner they gather their stuff and together they walk to the great hall. The same moment they step into the room, Sirius spots Lily who’s sitting with a couple of her friends. He gives James a look and that famous grin of his, and James tells him “You wouldn’t dare,” but he’s missed this side of Sirius, so he doesn’t mind.
Sirius climbs onto the table closest to them, which is Slytherin, and puts his hands around his mouth. “Hey, Evans!” He shouts and James swears that every person in the large hall turn to look at him, even the ghosts. “Thank you, I owe you one!”
Lily smiles at him and actually laughs. She puts a strand of hair behind her ear as she stands up as well, climbing onto the Gryffindor table and mimics Sirius. “The least I could do, Black!” She shouts back.
_ _ _
Their final year is beginning to come to an end. It’s a Saturday morning and both Peter and Remus have gone to have breakfast. Moony wasn’t the last one to rise this time, like he usually is, almost always late for the first meal of the day. James and Sirius are still in bed.
“James?” Sirius whispers to his boyfriend. He gets a grunt in response. “You awake, babe?”
“Yeah,” James mutters, his voice raw with sleep. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Sirius tells him and throws a leg over his waist, straddling him. “Just checking if you’re awake, tha’s all.”
Sirius’ boyfriend grins at him as he places his hands on his hips, thumbs moving in small circles. His eyes are still closed as he asks, “Are we really all alone, Pads?”
“Pay more attention to what’s going on around you and you’d know, dear ,” Sirius murmurs. He leans down and catches James’ lips in a soft kiss.
“That’s a yes, then,” James says, tilting his chin up to catch another kiss.
The soft kisses and gentle pecks are slowly growing more passionate, more rough. Sirius is ice cold, never taking any shit from anyone, but he kisses with fire and it almost burns James’ skin.
The older boy breaks away to catch his breath before moving to his boyfriend’s neck, licking and nipping at the skin there and earning him some gasps and whimpers from the boy underneath him. He feels James’ hands slide from his hips to his arse, nails sinking into the soft flesh. If Sirius moaned then, he would never admit it.
“You drive me crazy, Si,” James tells him as he flips them over, Sirius landing on his back on the messy sheets. He’s already breathless.
Soon enough their clothes are lying scattered around the floor by Sirius’ bed and James is already two fingers deep into his boyfriend’s beautiful ass. Sirius Black does not beg. He doesn’t say “please,” only ever says “thanks,” to show gratitude.
But in moments like this, he’s begging with all he’s got. He’s begging for James and he’s begging for more and he’s begging for anything that he can think of. He’s always a mess when James fucks him, so the younger boy has grown to become his anchor instead.
“Bollocks, Jamie, fuck me already, would you,” Sirius whines, fingers going white from gripping the sheets too hard.
“You sure you’re stretched enough?” James asks, slipping his fingers out.
“Yes,” the older boy groans. “Merlin yes . I need this.”
And really, that’s all it takes for him to mutter the lubrication charm again and slicking up his cock. He settles between his boyfriend’s legs and said boyfriend’s legs immediately spread wider to make more room for him, his hands moving from gripping the sheets to dig his nails into his back.
Sirius arches his back the instant James pushes into him and it burns, but it’s nothing he can’t take because having James pound him into the mattress is one of the best things he’s ever experienced.
They start slow, they always do, James wanting Sirius to be comfortable before he can fuck him properly. They build up a pace together, and James takes and Sirius gives. Soon enough he’s fucking Sirius hard, fast, rough, and said boy is panting with sweat dripping from his forehead, James’ cock pounding into him so he’ll feel it for days .
“Fuck me,” Sirius moans, his head lolling to the side, his nails digging deep enough into James’ back to leave marks. “Fucking fuck me, fuck!”
“You just said “fuck” four times,” James snickers but he obligates without hesitation, burying himself deeper in his boyfriend’s tight arse.
Whenever Sirius comes crashing down, James is there to hold him up. Sirius is enough for himself, he doesn’t need to be enough for anybody else. Although, sometimes a little support won’t hurt. When Sirius needs James’ he’ll be there.
Later, when James has made Sirius come twice and they’ve cleaned up the mess, and Sirius has had his after-sex-cigarette, James pulls his beloved close to him, not planning on ever letting go.
“You’re so beautiful,” the younger boy tells Sirius. “The most beautiful ever.”
“Beautiful enough for you to be in love with me, eh?” The other asks with a grin. It’s a joke, they both know it, cause James would never fall in love with Sirius just for his beauty.
“Oh, Sirius Black,” he pauses to cup his face with both hands and leans forward to plant a soft kiss on his forehead. “I am the most in love with you now, right now .”
And before James can go back to sleep he catches Sirius’ next words, which he probably would’ve missed completely if he wasn’t paying any attention. It’s soft and genuine, and he’s never been this happy and content with life before.
“I love you,” Sirius murmurs.
_ _ _
The Marauders have done all their seven years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, there is nothing left for them here anymore, at the moment. They’ve all packed their bags, checked multiple times that they haven’t forgotten anything important, like the Marauder’s Map and “Moony, don’t forget the smokes, alright, it’s our last pack.”
Sirius turns to look at his three very best friends, whom he’s grown to love more than anything this world can offer. They’re all looking at him expectantly. “Well?” He asks, raising an eyebrow. “What’re you gits waiting for?”
Peter shrugs, saying, “For you, mate.”
“Just- hand me something sharp ,” he tells them, and with a cigarette dangling between his lips he carves his very last words to Hogwarts into the wooden headboard of his four poster.
I want to be outlived .