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Niall awoke with a start. He looked around and saw Harry, flinching and curling up in his sleep, moaning loudly. It scared the small four year old. He rushed over towards his twin, tried to touch him, but got scared.
Never before had Harry looked so pale, in so much pain and so sick. Niall didn’t like this, no he hated this, it made him feel queasy himself, made him want to curl up and cry, because that right there, was his second half, was his twin, was his Hazzy.
“Wait one second…” Niall muttered and rushed towards Louis’ room. He knew Hazzy always wanted Louis. He always cuddled with him. Louis was magical like that, he knew what Hazzy needed and right now he had to put his magic to good use and make him feel better.
“Lou! Louis!” Niall shouted sounding quite panicked, “Hazzy is icky!” He shook his brother who shot out of bed, rushing past Niall, making the younger fall over and onto his bum.
That night Harry was rushed to the hospital. Niall didn’t want to stay home, wanted to come, so Zayn and Liam joined their parents and Louis.
Niall was curled up on Liam’s lap, heart hammering in his chest, blue eyes wide and staring at the large white doors where the doctors had taken Harry to. Niall felt so alone, felt like something in him was breaking off. Not his chest like before, but something bigger, something was tearing at him and causing him pain like never before.
“Hazzy is leaving me…” He whimpered and curled closer to Liam, the older boy not able to contain his tears either.
There had always been an odd connection between Harry and Niall. They weren’t attached at the hip like most twins, but they knew when the other was in trouble, when the other was hurt. The connection was there and seeing Niall break in front of him scared Liam.
“Shut up Niall… Harry is going to be fine.” Louis grumbled, hair sticking up in every direction, big sweater thrown over his bare torso and light blue pajama pants adorning his lanky legs.
Niall whimpered once more and shook his head, biting his lip. Niall knew something was wrong. If he felt so sick and alone, that meant something was wrong. Niall had never felt like this before, had never been so… hurt.
“Don’t swear at him. He’s only four.” Zayn growled, sitting between Liam and Louis, acting as a buffer, but it was clear that he was quite nervous himself, leg bouncing constantly. He’d run his hands through his hair sighing and then motioning as though to get up, only to slump back in the uncomfortable chair.
Louis was about to retaliate, when Niall screamed out, tears rushing down his cheeks, clutching at his chest, right where his heart was. The small boy begged and begged for the pain to end, wanted someone to understand.
All three boys looked at the small child on Liam’s lap, for the first time speechless.
None of them knew why Niall was like this, why he was screaming and begging for the pain to end. It was the scariest thing they’d witnessed, but moments later they knew why. They knew what had happened, because John and Nick came out from the doors, faces pale and completely shaken.
Louis got up, “How is he?” He asked, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay, but it was futile.
September 23rd was the date that five turned to four, which Louis lost his favorite little brother and Niall lost his twin. In the night of September 23rd, the family collapsed.
The coffin was tiny. There shouldn’t ever have to be tiny coffins like that. It was terrifying to see the dark wooden piece so tiny and small. They’d closed the casket, no one wanted to see a lifeless and pale Harry. No one could dare look at those brown chocolate curls with too pale skin. It was terrifying and sickening.
Many people came, doctors who had known the family, other staff from the hospital, friends from kindergarten… no one spoke, it was deadly quiet as they listened and watched the casket be brought down and buried.
Niall whimpered clinging to his Pa’s leg. Harry hadn’t been around to play with him. Niall knew Harry was gone, but all the time Niall turned to go and tell Hazzy, but he wasn’t there. It was just an empty space of nothing where Hazzy usually stood and watched and listened.
Niall was all alone. Part of him was missing. The part where Hazzy used to be, used to feel and laugh with. Niall hated it, hated being so alone. He hated how Louis didn’t even look at him, how Zayn buried himself in Basketball and Liam went out to drink once more.
It had only been a week, but that week had been hell and Niall didn’t want this to go on any longer. He wanted his family back, wanted most of all for Hazzy to be back again. He missed his brother. More than anyone would ever think.
The funeral was terrible, the days after were worse. Everything turned into the same bleak routine. None of the family member could even look at Niall properly since they’d just be reminded of the son they lost.
In kindergarten Niall would sit in a corner and draw. He wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t try and make friends like he used to. He was just quiet and in his corner, pencil in hand. Drawing and painting the same things over and over again. Him and Harry, every single picture.
Angela was starting to get worried about Niall. He hadn’t smiled, hadn’t followed her around since Harry had died two weeks ago. She wanted Niall to smile, wanted to hear his laugh, but the young woman knew that the small boy needed time. It wasn’t just his brother who had died, but his twin as well.
Niall tried to desperately to talk with Zayn, to play with him. Wanted someone to see him, but all Zayn did was go play basketball and then immerse himself in mountains of homework, telling Niall to go ask Liam or something.
Liam just ignored Niall as a whole, slamming his door shut in the small boys face who couldn’t contain the wobble of his lip at the mere sight of his brother ignoring him so blatantly.
That night he hadn’t just lost Harry, but his whole family. He was all alone once more. He felt terrible, felt so guilty for ever having wished Harry to be gone. Now that he was everything was worse and he didn’t even have his twin there to listen to him when Niall felt like he needed to rant.
He didn’t have the one person who used to play Cops and Robbers with him. He didn’t have anyone left. Niall would sit for hours in his room, playing with his bunny, looking over to Harry’s bed every now and again, ready to tell him something funny bunny had told him, only to notice the vacant seat.
Every single time a tear would slip down Niall’s cheek and he’d go back to bouncing the small rabbit around on the bed, as though it was going on an adventure.
Pa and daddy were busy with work too. On weekends they’d sit around the living room, crying and hugging one another, going through old photo books and talking about Harry. Or they’d put Louis in charge and leave.
Louis was the worst. He barely spoke, didn’t eat much and just went to work then came home and buried himself in his room, blasting loud music, wanting everyone to leave him alone. He was a walking shell of what he used to be.
Days turned into weeks and nothing changed. Niall felt sick, felt like crying all the time because he was just so lonesome without Harry around and no one else seemed to notice him. His parents and brothers both just ignored him, let him be. They didn’t even notice when he didn’t eat his dinner, too busy ignoring everyone around.
Niall just wanted to cry and curl up, wanted to throw a fit and make them come to his aid, but he just didn’t know how to do something like this. Niall was the one who had to share a room with the things still left over from his dead twin, he had to see Harry around him every single night, every day, the others in the family could ignore it, but Niall was in it all day and night.
He could see Harry on the bed, could see him playing cards and giggling. He could see Harry sitting in the corner playing with the big red truck him and Niall used to fight over. All these things were so vivid in the small boys mind, but it was all so pointless, because Harry was gone.
His second half wouldn’t be coming back and it was the most painful thing ever.
At night, Niall would curl up and cry himself to sleep, praying and begging to have his family back, for Harry to wake up once more and dig his way back to them. He didn’t want to be so alone anymore and he knew that Harry was the one keeping everyone happy.
Niall never mattered, he knew this now, and he just wished it had been him instead of Harry. He should have been sick, should have gone. Not Harry. Harry was perfect, always had been while Niall was so flawed, too talkative, too much energy and now Niall regretted ever living.
He begged cried and choked into the pillow, wanting to die, wanting someone to come and free him of this pain. Take him, give Hazzy back to his family. They deserved better than a bratty child like Niall. Especially Louis who seemed so down. Louis had never liked Niall, had never been around him enough to even love him, but he loved Hazzy.
Every single night it hurt. The agony of his loss playing over and over again. Niall tried, so desperately to feel the part in him where Harry had always sat, but it was just empty and cold, so terrifying.
No one seemed to notice the dark rings under the small boys eyes, everyone just went on with their daily business. Niall was getting weaker, more and more tired due to the sleepless nights. It was terrible to see him so weak, a small boy should have been laughing, not crying himself to sleep night after night.
School was terrible. Niall didn’t want to talk to the other kids, but all they seemed to be doing was stare at him. No one tried to comfort him, none of the other kids wanted to take any responsibility and their staring wasn’t making anything better for the small boy, it only made him hide further.
Louis felt terrible. Everyday was the same shit, the same uselessness. All he wanted was for Harry to be back. He wanted his baby brother back, those green eyes and that adorable giggle, not to mention those cheeky little dimples he sported.
Louis didn’t know how to cope. No one did. A child should never die so early. Harry had so much to see still, so many things to learn and now he was gone, leaving his family behind.
“Louis, your dad and I need to go out of town for a work conference…” Nick walked into the eldest boys’ room and sat down next to the mourning teenager.
“We’ll be gone for a week so you’re going to have to be in charge. Make sure N-Niall gets to school.” He sounded strained, something was missing in that sentence. The and Harry which usually accompanied the youngest boys’ name and it tore at Louis, made him cringe and nod.
Nick smiled softly, leaning forward and giving his oldest son a kiss on the forehead. He didn’t know how to make Louis feel better, had no words to try and ease his pain and it was tearing at the grown man to see his son so vulnerable.
The kids were left alone. No parents there to watch over them, to see them break further and retreat into the shells of who they used to be. It was only a week, but so much could happen in a week. So much had happened in the span of a few hours even…
Nick and John made sure to hug each boy, give Niall a few extra cuddles before they were off to their work trip.
Niall watched as his parents walked to the car, put their bags in and it was as though another stone was added to his chest, making the tears well in his red eyes from the mere prospect of his daddies leaving him.
He was about to rush towards the door, to try and apologize, to stop his daddies from leaving him, but Louis stopped him before he could get too far.
“Don’t run in the hallway Niall.” Louis scolded the small boy before going to the living room and watching a movie.
Zayn was out with his friends, probably playing basketball, Liam was somewhere in his room or in the basement. Niall didn’t know. All he did know was that no one wanted to play with him and he was bored.
The small boy decided to go see if maybe Liam would have some time for him. Liam had time again for Niall sometimes, but ever since Harry left them, Liam had become his old self again, caring only for girls and his douche bag friends.
Niall crawled up the stairs and over where Liam’s room was. Niall opened it and looked inside, but finding nothing. On one side was Zayn’s bed, while Liam’s was on the other. Half the room was colorful with pictures that Zayn had drawn, while the other side was full of cars and footie players.
Liam used to play footie with Niall, used to kick the ball around and encourage the small boy to get better, but lately Liam didn’t care, just shoved passed the small four year old, forgetting him.
Niall saw something curious on his brothers nightstand. It looked like medicine, yet it was colorful, like rockets! Niall looked at the little bag with about 10 different colored little pills. There were smiley faces and crowns carved into them, making him giggle a little. They looked like candies…
Niall wondered if it was alright for him to try one, but he didn’t want Liam to be mad at him… but if Liam was mad at him, then at least he’d notice him and pay attention to him. That was all Niall wanted, someone to see him, not just a quick hello and telling him what to do, but he wanted his siblings to know he still existed…
Niall sat down, eyes still staring at the little bag, about to reach into it to grab a candy. They were really small but so colorful and looked so fun. They smelled funny like licorice and it made Niall want to try it even more.
Of course in that moment the door opened and in walked Zayn, his eyes immediately zeroing in on Niall who was about to grab a bright yellow candy with a happy smiley face on it. Maybe it meant the candy would make him happy again? Make the constricting feeling in his chest leave ever since Harry died.
“Niall!” Zayn exclaimed, eyes wide as he saw his little brother grabbing for an ecstasy pill.
The older boy ripped the bag out of Niall’s hand before Niall could touch any of them. How the boy got to the drugs was beyond Zayn, but he knew who they belonged to. Liam had gone back to his druggie friends and to bring something like MDMA into the house baffled Zayn.
Niall looked up, lip wobbling and tears welling in his bright blue eyes. He knew he had done something bad and he knew Zayn was mad… but on the other hand Zayn was actually looking at him. Ever since Harry had gone, no one had looked at Niall for more than a few moments.
“Oh my god…” Zayn sighed, setting the drugs on a higher shelf that he knew Niall couldn’t reach, before crouching down and bringing the small boy into his chest.
Their parents were out of the house for less than an hour and Niall was ready to take a bunch of pills… what had Zayn missed the last few weeks? Niall knew better than to go through their things, especially Liam who was quite on edge with those things, scared someone would rat his drug source out to their parents…
Niall wrapped his arms around Zayn’s neck, collapsing into his hold before letting the tears freely roll down the rosy cheeks, whimpering and begging for Zayn not to be mad. Niall just wanted to be happy like the candy had shown… he wanted to smile again.
“Niall, never do that again. That wasn’t very nice… those candies belong to Liam.” Zayn explained. He pulled Niall away from him, making sure the small boy was looking at him and understood how severe the situation had been.
Niall nodded, wiping at his wet cheeks. Zayn sighed and brought Niall back for a hug.
It felt like everything was coming back into place. Zayn’s hugs were always the best, the most reassuring and they made Niall feel less alone, made him know everything would be alright.
Niall held on tightly, feeling the warmth of his big brother spread around him. The way Zayn’s larger hands would rub his back and run through his hair, fingers tickling at his neck, making Niall shudder in pure delight.
Zayn hadn’t noticed how everyone had abandoned Niall. He had been too busy trying to distract himself from the death of his brother, but he had never stopped to think how Niall was feeling. It had been his twin, his closest friend who had died… no one seemed to have thought of that and Zayn felt so guilty, like the worst brother.
“Want to get some food?” Zayn asked Niall who nodded and let Zayn carry him down the stairs.
Later that evening, all four brothers sat in the living room, eating some pasta, when Zayn put in some children’s movie for the sake of Niall.
“Yo, I was doing a ‘saw’ marathon!” Louis complained when he came back from the kitchen and putting away his dishes.
“I don’t think Saw is appropriate for Niall.” Zayn explained, eyeing his older brother.
Louis rolled his eyes and looked at Niall, biting his lip before turning and walking away once more.
It stung. Niall didn’t know why, but it hurt so much to notice that Louis didn’t care for him. It had always been Hazzy for him, now that he was gone, Niall still was nothing. It made Niall sick to his little stomach to know that Louis hated him, his own big brother hated his guts…
He curled up closer to Zayn, stuffed animal clutched to his chest while a few silent tears escaped his eyes. He wiped at them before settling back and watching Finding Nemo, but even the humor in the movie wouldn’t cheer Niall up. He wanted his Hazzy back and that was it.
The next few days were quite uneventful. Same routine, dropping Niall off at school, sitting in a corner and drawing pictures of himself with Hazzy, while Louis, Zayn and Liam played with them. Always the same things, always him and Hazzy… a fantasy that couldn’t come true anymore.
Niall couldn’t believe he’d wished his brother gone sometimes. He missed him dearly, the loss tearing at his heart every hour. He’d look up and grin, say something, but then no one would be there. No one was there to listen to his thoughts and to his babbling. He didn’t want to bother anyone else.
He’d get picked up by Zayn or Liam and they’d go back home where Niall was sent to his room while his brothers worked on homework, or Liam would eat candies and then just sit around and not really talk to anyone.
“Niall we’re going outside.” Angela walked over. It was one of the last few warm days and she was taking all the kids in the class out to the playground.
Niall got up, put his paintings away into his little cubby and then followed her silently, eyes trained to the floor, no smile, almost a blank expression on his face.
Angela sighed and looked on. She missed Niall, missed the bubbly child he once was, all the stories he’d tell of the mischief him and Harry had been up to. All the times they pranked one of their older brothers… she just wanted a happy Niall back.
The kids were rowdy, the three kindergarten teachers barely able to control them all, but they were all excited for the playground. It wasn’t often that they got to go, due to the risky road they had to walk by, but it was a nice day.
Niall put on his boots and jacket, making sure to walk behind everyone. No kids could stare at him and whisper when he was behind them. He didn’t like their stares, their curious eyes on him, while he was ready to cry at any moment. Niall just wanted to be invisible, didn’t want these annoying kids around him. Niall hated everything.
Him and Harry would always play together. Neither really made any other friends. Niall was too loud, Harry too quiet. Other kids thought they were weird and now that Harry had gone, Niall was just as quiet as Harry had been all those times.
Louis was working at a small diner near the kindergarten. He loved his work, the people he worked with were amazing and he got some good experience in the cooking business. He loved to cook, something he had only ever told Harry.
Harry would have always made Louis make food for him, praising him, small chubby arms flailing excitedly whenever Louis brought him something new to try. He would grin and tell Louis how much he loved it, green eyes sparkling.
God, Louis missed Harry so much. He could barely look at Niall. He only ever saw Harry when he looked at the little boy. Being in the same room as Niall was pure torture, because it reminded Louis of who he had lost. His favorite little brother, all due to sickness.
It wasn’t that he didn’t love Niall, no it was the opposite. He’d always loved him, always wanted to be around him, but Harry took up so much of his time and he just wanted to let Harry have the best experience in his life. He had been so ill, so weak often and Louis just wanted what was best for Harry.
He knew he was selfish, knew he was acting like a prick towards the youngest boy, but Harry was his everything. He wanted to be the best big brother to Harry, have him smile and laugh for as long as possible, because it was obvious from the beginning on that Harry wouldn’t live to be very old.
Sometimes Louis thought of how unfair it was. Niall was as healthy as a four year old could be, while Harry suffered day in and out with all these complications. It was unfair to Harry, but whenever he thought something like that, Harry seemed to know.
Small green eyes would look at him and he’d smile, saying it was okay for him to be so sick and Niall so strong. Niall was his little brother too and Harry wanted what was best for Niall. How a little four year old was so wise was beyond Louis, but remembering him was what hurt the most.
They’d tried to much, fought so hard and it wasn’t enough to save his little brother.
Louis was caught up in his thoughts that he barely heard his cellphone ringing. His boss had allowed him to keep it on, since he had told her he was in charge of his brothers this week. No one ever called him though… was it Liam?
Louis gulped and answered. He did not want it to be Liam… had someone found his drugs? Had he taken too much? Was he okay? Maybe Zayn had injured himself playing basketball… so many possibilities.
“Hello, Louis?” A woman asked on the other line.
“Yeah..?” The young man asked cautiously.
“I’m from Niall’s day care, Angela, and uhmm… Niall has to go to the hospital…” Whatever she said next didn’t register in Louis’ mind. He couldn’t believe what he heard. First Harry now Niall… no…
The world couldn’t be that cruel to take a second brother of his. There had to be some power out there who just hated Louis, hated his existence and wanted him to suffer. His chest tightened, his throat seemed to constrict and he just felt so sick all of a sudden.
“… at the Mercy General.” Angela finished.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Louis exclaimed, already taking off his apron and hanging up the phone, “I need to go.” He told his boss, “Niall is in the hospital, I need to see him. I need to go to my little brother. I need to make sure he is alright.”
His boss looked at him, saw the pale face, shocked expression and the cold sweat running down his brow. He was in shock, was so hurt.
“Go on boy. Don’t wait around here.” She shooed him off.
Quickly, Louis called Zayn and Liam’s school, telling the receptionist that he needed them to leave this instant since there was a family emergency.
He didn’t care for stop signs or any other rules driving. Thankfully there seemed to be no cops around, and Louis got to the high school in record time, Liam and Zayn both waiting by the front doors and rushing over to Louis, demanding what the emergency was.
“Niall is in the hospital.” Louis exclaimed.
Guilt. That was the worst part. The guilt was eating at them while they drove. Niall had always been there, yet all three ignored him, chose Harry over Niall or their friends even. Niall always came second and none of them knew why the boy still forgave them and still cared for them when they’d been so terrible.
“Pa and dad told me to watch out for him…” Louis whimpered, thumbs drumming against the steering wheel, “I didn’t watch him… I’m terrible, I’m the worst….”
Liam was near tears in the back, curled up, wishing for a joint or any type of drug. He just needed to be calm, needed something to take his mind off his baby brother in a hospital bed, probably all alone and crying.
Zayn felt like throwing up. His usual steady hands were shaking so he balled them into fists. He had left basketball practice early, something he usually never did, but when his little brother, when his Niall was in danger, nothing else mattered.
They parked the car in the parking lot, and then all three rushed inside, looking around, trying to get their bearings. A few doctors saw them, and a nurse who knew them smiled and walked over.
“Are you guys looking for something?” She asked softly.
“Niall is here… where is he?” Louis asked, voice shaking and blue eyes darting around, trying to find some indication where his brother was.
She looked at the three before going to a desk and searching in the computer.
“He is in surgery right now… I’ll bring you to the waiting room.” Surgery… what had happened? Why hadn’t Louis listened to the kindergarten teacher when she’d called him? How had he been so god damn useless?!
He wanted to smack himself, wanted to slap himself and curl up and cry. He just wanted to be by his little brothers side. He was probably so scared. He wasn’t used to the hospital, not like Harry, but even though Harry had been used to it, he’d still cried and begged not to be alone.
“Just wait here and a doctor will come out soon. Shouldn’t be much longer.” The nurse smiled and then walked off to go back to work.
Louis couldn’t sit. He was too restless. He needed to go in there, needed to find out what was wrong with his little brother, why he was here. Why hadn’t the kindergarten lady looked after him properly? She should have helped Niall before he ended up here.
Angela saw the three boys, knew who they were and walked over.
“I’m Angela, I called you before.” She smiled softly at Louis who glared at her.
“You should have been watching him, make sure everything was okay!” Louis accused.
Angela bit her lip. She knew the history, knew how Harry had been here every few weeks, new tests, new things to look at. So she understood why Louis was so mad. She also knew he hadn’t heard a word she’d said over the phone.
“I’m sorry.” She sighed, “He’ll be fine though. Niall is a tough cookie.”
Louis rolled his eyes and began pacing, Liam staring at his lap and Zayn rubbing his hands together nervously, leg bouncing up and down, wanting to hear the news, needing to hear something positive. Last time he’d been in a hospital…
None of the brothers wanted to think of what had happened last time, none of them needed that heartache. They just wanted their little Niall with them, wanting to see him smile, and to laugh and everything. He was so precious and only now did all three realize it.
It slapped them across the face, as though a bucket of icy water had just been spilled over them, waking them up from a long daze. Harry was gone, not coming back and in their grief all three had forgotten about Niall and how terrified and hurt he must have been all this time.
No twin anymore, his best friend dead. The little four year old had to deal with true and utter heartbreak. Losing his second half. He had to lose a part of himself with Harry and that must have hurt more than anything the older boys could imagine.
Finally, a doctor walked out of the operating room.
“We managed to set the leg back, but we had to add in a metal frame. We’re just adding the cast around his leg now… he was very brave.” The doctor smiled, “His head is fine, just a little bump and his arms are scraped pretty badly.”
The four nodded and looked up at the doctor.
“You can come see him now.” The doctor added on, the three brothers following, Angela staying back, smiling to herself.
Niall was lying in a large bed, a doctor adding a small plastic boot around his foot.
“He had quite the bad broken leg, but within a month or two he should be all healed. He’ll be in pain for the next week, so here is a prescription for some painkillers. We’re keeping him here for the night, just in case…” the doctor explained to Louis who nodded, “He’ll be fully awake in an hour or so…”
Then the doctor left the three boys with Niall alone in the hospital room.
The situation was so familiar it stung. Niall was lying in the bed, eyes closed, humming a little in his sleep making the three older boys smile softly. Niall seemed to just be radiating and finally all three brothers noticed what they’d done.
They’d ignored this small, precious boy, alienated him from their lives and now finally they were going to have him back. They would treat him with the love he needed. They needed to be there for him, because a small heart like his shouldn’t be sad. They needed to see his bright smile, hear his cackling laugh. They needed their Niall back.
Louis looked over at the boot on his small leg, something like this wouldn’t have happened if they’d been there, paid attention to him.
Zayn chocked a little and looked away, turning to the window.
“A few days ago I saw him trying to take your ecstasy.” He told Liam, “I was so scared then… I freaked out… now….” Zayn couldn’t say anymore, shoulder shaking with sobs.
Liam looked down at the little boy. His heart heavy in his chest. His baby brother tried to take his drugs… he had taken them in front of Niall, never having thought of the consequences and now… Liam wanted to run, wanted to hide in shame.
Louis looked on in pure disgust, with himself. He’d treated Harry like a king, but in all that time he forgot about Niall. When Harry had died, yes a part of Louis had died too, but nothing as strong as the twin bond between Harry and Niall. And Louis hadn’t been there… ever.
All three boys stood there, staring at the sleeping form of their little brother. He stirred a little, blue eyes opening for a moment before turning and cuddling into his blanket a little.
“I love you guys.” Came his small voice, all three brothers having tears in their eyes, before Niall fell back into a deep slumber.