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gravity
noun, often attributive grav·i·ty \ˈgra-və-tē\
“ the natural force that tends to cause physical things to move towards each other: the force that causes things to fall towards the Earth.”
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If an apple had to fall to the ground so that Newton could find the explanation of why everything must fall to the ground instead of sky, so must Kihyun.
(Yoo Kihyun must fall for Son Hyunwoo so that someone must find out how big the gravitational force does a man named Hyunwoo affects someone named Kihyun.)
Never would have anyone thought that this Hyunwoo would fall for Kihyun. Neither would have Kihyun.
For once, they started it a bit off. Full of distrust and competition. The proud and blunt Kihyun didn’t match with gentle and shy Hyunwoo.
As the cruel survival competition for trainees got harsher, Hyunwoo shut his heart from Kihyun and Kihyun shut his efforts to the latter.
Even after they have debuted. Every time their eyes met in every circumstance, it was always one party that would turn away, subtly. That’s why no one would have suspected. If there was an award for good acting for rookie idols, they would have been the winners. The hidden prejudice and assumption, as part of their masks in front of everyone.
The Awkward couple. They got the title after their awful performance in the competition. A pain that remains still in Hyunwoo’s heart although it was already in the past and even he had forgiven Kihyun for choosing the unfavorable song that caused him almost got eliminated from the competition, from his dream to debut.
It was unpleasant for both of them too when they were assigned as ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ of the group. For Hyunwoo, the reason was simple and clear. He just didn’t like Kihyun at first.
For Kihyun, it was his pride. It was weird to be called ‘mom’ since he is a man and definitely doesn’t act like a mother, yet he accepted it slowly when they mentioned about his natural ‘instinct’ which made him looks like a mother to the rest of band members. He takes care of them well and he has never been forced to do that because he simply cares about others. The strict rules and lessons from his father shaped Kihyun to be strict with rules too. But deep down inside, he is as gentle as the clouds.
Hyunwoo, with his easy-going and calm nature, is opposite of Kihyun’s strict and outspoken ones.
And it was the weirdest thing that happened.
They said that opposites do attract. Some things possibly follow that ‘invisible’ law but many cases, they don’t. So it’s hard to explain why would Kihyun laugh every time Hyunwoo does or says something funny. He isn’t supposed to be entertained for their differences. But he did.
Hyunwoo should not be enchanted or touched by Kihyun’s subtle care towards all members, how he would be their personal doctor when they were sick, or their personal cook to make them breakfast (on lucky mornings), lunch (on lucky days) or dinner (pretty much depends on Kihyun’s mood), and their personal maid who would clean and do ‘household’ chores. Not to be mentioned, becoming their personal counselor too whenever they have weights on their hearts. He would be someone to talk to or lend his small and narrow shoulders for them to cry on. And Hyunwoo could not even turn his small smile that tugged in the corner of his lips when Kihyun was forced to do a cute act. Or when he was teased by the members.
He just could not hold it.
So when they’re getting closer, their hearts have been ready for that. They know it’s something inevitable when there’s a force, invisible, that seems to pull them closer.
Kihyun can’t keep the sparks in his eyes when he looks at Hyunwoo who was explaining something in every interview. Hyunwoo, on the other hand, can’t help but feeling proud whenever Kihyun praises him in front of everyone. And when he can not hold it again, he would glance to him, just to see the moles in the upper part of his lips and feel thousands of butterflies within after.
Their chemistry is unspoken. Hyunwoo, the charismatic member has no proper gear to form such words of affection. Subtle touches and teasing are preferable ways to show what he feels within, what he’s been constantly thinking about and what he had yearned for the past years. Standing side by side and jokes are enough for him because he has been head over heels for Kihyun lately.
Choosing Hyunwoo for every trivia or quiz as the answer is one of many ways from Kihyun to show how he looks up to the latter. And day after day, year after year, his admiration has gone way up to the level where he has no idea what he actually wants. His heart yearns for Hyunwoo’s subtle touches, his mind is preoccupied for thinking about what Hyunwoo and he would do if they had time to be spent together and his feeling screams for the lack of braveness he needs to confess it to his leader.
They must hide it. The unspoken truth that has been laid in wait since the beginning. It’s too risky. Although every day they must hold the temptation to break it, just to set them free.
The first time Hyunwoo held Kihyun’s hands was unintentional. He meant to shake hands properly as a guest in a radio interview where Kihyun replaced someone as a temporary MC. His awkwardness blood that runs through his veins made that simple handshake becoming quite sweeter than his intention. They didn’t talk about it but when they arrived at the dorm, Hyunwoo who was about to take water from the fridge was having a little heart attack as his hand brushed against Kihyun’s who was about to do the same thing. He could almost feel the electricity current sparked from their skins that touched each other.
“ Hyung ..” there’s a slight uncertainty in Kihyun’s voice, he looked up to Hyunwoo to search for any excuse.
“ ... have your drink first.” Hyunwoo took a step back, giving Kihyun full access to get the water first.
The moment had broken and never been discussed. But it still lingers in their minds.
The first time Kihyun hugged Hyunwoo was when they were having a photo shoot. It was unintentional too. Or so what Kihyun believed it was.
Hyunwoo was talking to the camera when Minhyuk passed by and playfully pretended to chop Hyunwoo’s neck. Kihyun was behind and saw that and instinctively, he came closer to Hyunwoo from behind and hugged him tightly, playfully pretending to be human boa-constrictor. Hyunwoo hid his blush at the moment. Later in the dorm, when they were waiting for the others to join them to watch a movie together, he asked curiously, “ Hey, it was a nice photoshoot. I was wondering what inspired you to be anaconda?”
Kihyun, who was munching his chicken wing, furrowed his brow and asked back, " Huh? What do you mean hyung?"
“ You... hugged me ... it felt like a giant snake has wrapped my body and ready to crush my bones,” said Hyunwoo, half jokingly and half anticipating Kihyun’s honest answer. Yes, Kihyun is not that kind of person who would do much skinship in front of the camera. He only did it with Jooheon freely anytime and anywhere, his self-claimed ‘son’.
Kihyun hid his blush under his laugh. His mind was wandering and suddenly Hyunwoo asked again, “ So, what were you thinking?”
“ Uh? “ startled, Kihyun’s mind was back to the reality. He blinked his eyes in confusion.
Hyunwoo looked at him intently, trying to decipher his silent answer. He had a thousand thoughts and presumably Kihyun was going to utter one of them and he was ready.
But Kihyun just shrugged and left the question hanging in the air.
The second time for everything is gentle and not too subtle. It was the second time they held hands and hugged each other that led them to the first kiss, under the moonlight, in Jeju when they filmed their music video, away from everyone else and lost in their own world.
“ You have never ... kissed a guy before?” asked Hyunwoo carefully.
Kihyun smacked Hyunwoo’s arms. “ Never! Please don’t ruin the moment, hyung. I was just thinking ...” Kihyun paused his words and looked up to Hyunwoo in doubt.
“ What were you thinking?” Hyunwoo’s heart beat a little faster, hoping and praying for any power out there to grant his wishful thinking, that Kihyun was thinking the same thing he was constantly thinking about.
Kihyun was blushing but he leaned closer to Hyunwoo and whispered, “ I was thinking—how does it feel to be kissed by ... a man ...”
Hyunwoo wanted to scream out loud at the moment. “ Yeah? Do you want .. to try it with me?”
Hyunwoo could swear that he saw thousands of stars were dancing in Kihyun’s eyes as he looked at Hyunwoo in the most gentle look he had ever seen.
Kihyun would always remember how their tongues danced harmoniously. Hyunwoo would always remember how he cherished Kihyun’s moist lips because they were covered by their saliva. They would remember how red their faces and how strange it felt after they released their lips and tongues away from each other. It felt like, that’s where it belongs. And they did it again and again. And again.
They should say something. The feeling they have towards each other. The thoughts they had whenever they are not around each other. But it never left their mouths nor was ever said.
Once again, it’s taboo and too risky. There are so many reasons why they can’t do that.
And so years passed by.
Their band has been disbanded but their friendship remains. But they still visit each other’s solo concert or variety show. They support Hyunwoo’s solo concert and his debut as an actor, joining Hyungwon who had successfully maintained his position in modeling and acting.
Minhyuk has opened his own art gallery and married a decent woman, not from the entertainment industry. They had twins last year.
Wonho has become a successful producer of their previous company and composed hits for many groups. He remains single, involved in couple relationships but he doesn’t have any plan to settle for now.
Jooheon has released his solo albums and known as power rapper in South Korea, becoming one of the most successful composers and rapper.
Changkyun has become rich with his royalty for all songs he composed and produced and still composing music with Jooheon and Wonho. This summer, he’s going to marry his long-term Russian girlfriend.
Kihyun has become one of the most influential ballad singers in the country and opened his own art school. He remains single at the moment.
They met again at Changkyun’s wedding. Minhyuk with his twins were dancing when the bride and the groom were dancing for the first time as husband and wife. Wonho and Hyungwon are having their nostalgia when Hyungwon is suddenly dragged by his girlfriend to dance with her. Wonho waved his hand, sending Hyungwon away with Jooheon by his side, laughing and drinking merrily. The summer wedding party at the beach has been Changkyun’s and his wife’s dream.
Hyunwoo leans against his chair with Kihyun by his side. Away from everyone else, looking at the vast of ocean adorned by shades of blue and green, with a glass of champagne in his hand.
Kihyun was drowned in his own thoughts when Hyunwoo was poking his ribs. “Hey, the earth calls Yoo Kihyun back.”
Kihyun threw his thin smile and instinctively leaned his head in Hyunwoo’s shoulders. He can not explain why for every year, he longs for being with Hyunwoo, sitting side by side and leans his head to his arms or his shoulders or his back or every part of Hyunwoo’s body, he doesn’t mind as long as he is Hyunwoo. Situation and circumstances have been blocked their path and they never have any chance to even tell what they feel.
Both Kihyun and Hyunwoo have tried to involve in the relationships with women. But they never stay longer nor leaving any impression in their hearts. It’s undeniable that their hearts were stolen from the first by each other. But once again, it has never been revealed nor talked about.
The ocean waves welcomed their feet greedily, slipped through their toes together and took away the sands that stuck on their feet. They remain static at the moment, engulfed by the warmth of their bodies and the ocean breeze and drowned in memories for the past years. Their life is stuck in the cycle where they meet and they will end up in hurt because they know they can never be together. They can not say it out loud or confess it. Everything flows by itself, without consent or any binding contract.
It hurts because Kihyun can not force Hyunwoo to stay.
It hurts because Hyunwoo cannot keep Kihyun by his side.
But no matter how hurt, how painful the times they have to spend waiting for a moment like this to happen or how many broken relationships they have been through just to satisfy the emptiness within, they always come back to each other. Sitting and snuggling together like this, watching as the world writhes in its own agony, forgetting for a moment their weariness just to grasp each other’s sweet presence at the rare moment given by destiny.
“ Just .. thinking about something ...” Kihyun murmurs with his head still leaning on Hyunwoo’s shoulder.
“ You think a lot.” Hyunwoo flicks Kihyun’s forehead lightly, chuckling when Kihyun grumbling while rubbing his forehead.
“ That’s not how you usually reply my sentence hyung, “ Kihyun spoke, peeking Hyunwoo from his position.
Hyunwoo smiles. He extends his arm and brings Kihyun closer to him, and Kihyun happily snuggles against his broad chest. “ What were you thinking?”
Kihyun hums contentedly. The kind of reply he loves the most from Hyunwoo. Like he wants to give all his time just to listen to what Kihyun was thinking about. Call it crazy but Kihyun feels special every time Hyunwoo asks that, a silly reason he fails to comprehend but finally realized through the time. He falls in love with his ex-leader.
It’s sad how he can’t tell how much he loves Hyunwoo. They kept it inside but their eyes couldn’t tell lies. They knew as if they bluntly speak through their breath. The air they inhale and exhale whenever they are around each other carry the words out from their heart and pass them on to each other. Once it’s slipped through his mouth but luckily there were noises everywhere so it just slid through the wind.
There’ll never be good time enough to reveal. Once, they were still in the band and carry each others’ dreams and burdens. Then the circumstance. The world they live in still couldn’t accept what they feel to each other. And then the promotions, concerts, interviews, and photo shoots. The word keeps sliding away from their tongues by their daily lives. And then the disbandment, the solo activities and suddenly they were on another track of life. Never had a chance to speak about it.
“ You’re not going to answer me?” asks Hyunwoo, feeling curious and proceeds to lift Kihyun’s face to face him.
“ I’m afraid—that if I have to answer you, I might say something I will regret later.” Kihyun finally spoke after taking some time to think.
Hyunwoo tenses up. He was searching into Kihyun’s eyes deeply like a lost man in the wood, all he can see is green but in Kihyun’s eyes, all that he can see is love. The love that they shared throughout the years but never once spoken of.
Hyunwoo carefully caresses Kihyun’s hair, taking a lock of his dark hair and card them one by one, feeling that he relaxes a bit.
“ Anytime you are ready, tell me. You know where I am,” said Hyunwoo, gently cups Kihyun’s face in his hands.
“ I’m afraid ... “ Kihyun whispered through his breath, he holds back his tears that threaten to come out soon.
“ Then take your time. I’m not going anywhere, “ said Hyunwoo without breaking his eyes from Kihyun, reassuring him with every way that he can.
“ We were once, hyung ... drifted apart,“ Kihyun’s throat felt so dry that he almost choked on his own words.
That time when they had the most vicious fight for the first time ever and didn’t contact each other almost a year.
“ It’s not going to happen again. “ Hyunwoo caresses Kihyun’s jaw gently, he knows how much Kihyun loves it when he does this.
“ How do you know? How do we know we will be like this next year? “
Hyunwoo doesn’t know. He never knows it. Nor Kihyun. The invisible force called gravity keeps them both closer. No matter how far they go, they will find themselves back again to each other. Even life has once separated them but then gravity brings them back again, stronger than ever even without any status.
Hyunwoo brings Kihyun’s face closer to him and when his lips are only inches away from Kihyun’s lips, he says, “ Because I love you and I know you love me too. And somehow we always find our way back to each other. No matter how lost we were,” Then he kisses Kihyun slowly and gently like he always did in the past. The way Kihyun loves it the most because he once said that he could taste his past girlfriends’ feeling through their kiss. When he kissed Kihyun for the second time in Lunar New Year last year, Kihyun blurted out about his kiss and how it tasted really sweet.
Kihyun smiles through the kiss. They never say anything but they feel everything. Maybe someday, they will find the perfect time to reveal themselves to the world. But now, Kihyun only wants to be here, at the moment, with all his senses, with the person he loves the most in the world.
The waves hit the sand repeatedly, creating rhythmic sounds, pleasing to the ears with the orange rays of light glow onto Hyunwoo and Kihyun’s bodies, while the sun is giving its last shades of red and orange in the sky before it slowly falls behind the horizon.
-the end-