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It’s been three weeks since Alex welcomed Justin into his home. Three weeks since Justin broke down and told Alex everything, three weeks since he kissed Alex the first time. He supposes it was his way of thanking him for comforting him, but it turned into something so much more. Now, whenever either boy was feeling down, they’d find the other and kiss the bad thoughts away. It was almost infectious, sometimes Justin feels like he’s spent more time in the past few weeks kissing Alex than anything else.
Some days were good, and they’d kiss for the sake of being young and in lust. They weren’t in love, no, this was convenience. Plus, there’s no way they would have fallen for each other so quickly right?
On the bad days, the second Justin was within reach, Alex was pushing his tongue into his mouth in attempt to push out thoughts that scream awful things hitting home.
And Justin is a normal teenager, he’d never turn away pretty boys that wanted kisses, but he did wish that Alex would tell him about the thoughts plaguing his mind.
Justin shuts his eyes and tries not to think about it. Alex trusts him and he’ll tell him when he’s ready, Justin’s sure of it. It’s absurd, he thinks, that he’s lying here in Alex’s bed questioning dumb things while Alex sleeps soundly in his arms. He takes a few deep breaths to ease his mind and rubs his cheek against Alex’s shoulder blade. Not too long ago, they had discovered that sleeping together helped them both get sounder rest, so more often than not, they fall asleep together.
Justin startles a little when Alex pulls him closer by the arm that hangs over his side. “Thought you were asleep,” he whispers.
Alex turns over and noses into Justin’s neck with a quiet hum. He drapes his arm over Justin’s torso with a soft exhale.
Justin rolls from his side to his back, bringing Alex closer. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to wake you.” He rubs his back slowly.
“S’alright.” Alex’s voice is hardly audible. He presses his lips to Justin’s neck for a handful of seconds then picks up his head, blinking his eyes open. “What’s keeping you up?” His hand runs up and down Justin’s chest soothingly.
“It’s nothing, I—,” he sighs, looking into Alex’s eyes for a minute. Everything in the room was grayscale in the dark except for Alex’s eyes. They’re simply too bright to ever be flushed of their color. He doesn’t want to do this now, but he needs to be honest with him. “You trust me right, Alex?”
“Course. Why?” Alex furrows his brows. His fingers dance along Justin’s exposed collarbone.
“It’s just, I told you everything. I want you to trust me enough to tell me everything too.” Justin takes Alex’s fingers and brings them to his lips, just pressing them there.
Alex’s face turns sullen in the faint moonlight. “I trust you, Justin, I do. I didn’t want to burden you or scare you away.” He sighs quietly and continues, never once breaking eye contact, “I thought it was better this way.”
“I wanna help you. And not just by kissing the ever-loving crap out of you whenever you feel sad. I want you to open up to me.”
“To be fair, you’re a really good kisser.” Alex smiles briefly then sits up a little. “Okay,” he takes a deep breath, his eyes suddenly shining with tears as he looks away. “I feel the guilt eating away at me. Sometimes these voices in my head just scream at me ‘you killed her, you killed her!” Tears fall from Alex’s eyes and Justin is quick to wipe them away. The sight of Alex crying makes his heart clench and his eyes water in sympathy. The scary part, he thinks, is the fact that Alex is so calm, so melancholy; he’s not losing control, it’s like he just accepts it now. “And I can’t get them to stop. She was my friend and I killed her.” His voice gets scratchy and thick as the tears run. Justin sits up and pulls Alex into an embrace, kissing his temple.
“They get quieter when I’m with you. When I see you, it all becomes more like white noise. I don’t know what you did, but somehow you wedged yourself in and you made it easier to breathe.” That last statement could almost be funny since Justin kissing him usually results in a lack of breathing. Alex wipes at his eyes and nose. “Sorry.”
“Don’t you dare apologize. Look at me.” Justin grabs Alex’s chin and guides his head towards him. “Alexander I don’t know your middle name Standall,” Alex smiles lightly at this. “You are so strong and so brave to tell me, you are so kind, and you’re like the most selfless guy I’ve ever met. You made a stupid mistake, every teenager does it. Hell, I do something stupid practically every day. You can’t blame yourself for her actions, okay? I won’t let you.” He caresses Alex’s face as he speaks. “Fuck Hannah for making you feel like it was your fault. Let it out, don’t keep holding it in.”
After a few minutes of Justin holding Alex through his tears, the room gets quiet and Alex pulls away. “I didn’t know you could be so compassionate,” he sniffles.
“Neither did I. Guess you bring it out of me.” Alex is playing with Justin’s fingers in his lap, a soft smile spreading across his face. He’s got tear tracks down his cheeks, and Justin’s sure if there was a light on he’d see how red and bloodshot his eyes are, but holy shit he’s gorgeous right here in this moment, every wall between them broken away, leaving the most beautiful soul bare for him to see. And yea, maybe he has turned into a sap, but he doesn’t care so long as Alex is okay. “So, what’s this about me being a really good kisser?”
Alex scoffs and rolls his eyes, but leans in for a kiss anyway.
“Lay back down.” Justin whispers and grabs his phone from the bedside table. He puts on a playlist of acoustic songs with the volume low and settles back on the bed, laying over Alex. Justin kisses him soft and short.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to get the voices to stop.” He kisses his lips once, twice, three times then moves to his jaw. He pauses to look at him for a second, then kisses the dimple that appears next to his smile. He trails kisses from his chin to his ear, teeth tugging at the lobe gently. Justin bites at Alex’s neck, sneaking his fingers under his shirt and caressing the soft skin there. Alex hums, the vibration tingling against Justin’s lips. He runs his hands up Alex’s sides slowly and sucks at his neck until he knows a bruise has formed, then soothes the mark with his tongue.
Alex lifts his arms, letting Justin take off his shirt. His fingers comb through Justin’s hair, holding on loosely.
Justin presses kisses along his collarbone, then one to his sternum and one over his heart. He licks over one of his nipples and blows on it a little until it stiffens, rubbing the other with his fingers. The soft gasp and sigh this elicits from Alex makes Justin smile against his skin. He trails his fingertips over the tiny mountains and valleys of his ribs, following the movement with a kiss to each visible bone.
Alex is artwork, a masterpiece, and Justin wants to spend hours appreciating every detail.
He’s a whole rainbow of fantastic colors, red cuts still fading from his fight with Monty, golden septum rings, plush pink lips matching the blush that dusts his cheeks and ears when he’s shy, violet bags under his eyes when he hasn’t gotten sleep or coffee, pretty peach skin, those gorgeous blue eyes and that halo of white hair atop his head. Alex is the angel from his nightmare; he practically glows with innocence and kindness and Justin wonders briefly when he’ll receive his wings and take off.
Justin continues on his path, mouthing at the soft skin of Alex’s stomach. He supposes Alex is the softest right here on his belly. He presses his cheek there, nuzzling gently a little before he moves on. Justin licks up over his belly button, dips his tongue in, then kisses down his happy trail. He presses a particularly long kiss to the place where his skin dips in right next to his hip that sticks out sharply. Justin pulls Alex’s pants and boxers down an inch or two on one side, just enough to make a scarlet mark over the skin stretched tight there on his hip bone. He wonders if he’s the only one who will see it.
He can’t know for sure as Alex isn’t his, the same way that he isn’t Alex’s. But as he thinks about it, he wouldn’t hesitate if Alex asked. And maybe Alex feels the same. Maybe he should ask.
Justin leans back and makes intense eye contact with Alex as he begins to tug off his pajama bottoms. And Alex doesn’t stop him. He sits up to help get the garment off his legs, then cups Justin’s cheek and pulls him in for a kiss. He lays back, and Justin follows to steal a little more air from his lungs. He’s got his feet flat on the bed, knees bent, so Justin kisses his kneecap and guides it down to the mattress, spreading his legs.
Justin shimmies down the bed a little and begins to place long, wet kisses down the inside of Alex’s thigh. He spends the most time here, making marks on the sensitive skin. Alex’s fingers tighten in his hair as he covers his skin with bite marks. He kisses his way down until he gets to the seam of Alex’s boxers and stops: a boundary to cross on another day. He rests his head on his thigh, spreading his fingers over Alex’s other leg, tracing patterns softly.
Alex runs his fingers through his hair gently. When Justin looks up at him, he’s got his eyes closed and a faint smile on his lips. Justin watches the way his chest rises and falls with every breath.
He gets up on his hands and knees over Alex, making his hand fall away. “You falling asleep on me?”
“Mm-mm.” Alex shakes his head ‘no’ minutely, keeping his eyes closed.
Justin smiles and kisses his nose. “Feel better now?”
Alex peeks an eye open to look at him and smiles. He puts a hand on the back of Justin’s neck and pulls him down for another kiss. His other hand finds Justin’s hip, bringing their bodies closer. “Yes, thank you,” he sighs. “Can we sleep now? It’s late.”
“Okay.” Justin lays down next to Alex on his side.
He’s closed his eyes for maybe two minutes when Alex speaks again.
“James.”
“Hmm?” Justin knows he’s not referring to him, looks at him questioningly.
“My middle name. It’s James.”
“You’re telling me all this time you could have been going by AJ?”
“Shut up,” Alex gives a weak shove to his chest. “Do I look like an AJ to you?”
“You look like an angel.” Justin’s tired, okay. He totally didn’t mean to say that out loud.
Alex squints his eyes at him. “What?”
“I mean,” there’s a split second of panic, but then Justin realizes he’s got nothing to be afraid of. So, fuck it. “Yeah no you’re gorgeous. Okay, just thought you should know, goodnight.” Justin rolls over and pretends to be asleep.
“Justin.” Alex gets closer to Justin; he can feel his presence where his breath ghosts over his neck. Alex puts a hand on his shoulder and pulls him to lay on his back. “You can’t just say something like that and then expect me not to question it.” Justin doesn’t say anything, just lets his gaze travel between Alex’s eyes a couple times.
“Do you mean it?”
“Yes, I mean it. Didn’t realize it was a big deal, thought someone’s told you before.” Alex grins at him, lifts Justin's arm and leans under it to drape it over his own shoulder.
“You would be the first. Okay, well thank you. Now you can sleep.” Alex settles his head on Justin’s chest, his arm thrown over his waist. “I think you’re pretty attractive too, for the record.”
“So, I call you gorgeous, and in return I get ‘pretty attractive’. Thanks.” Alex laughs.
“Maybe it’s the hair.”
“What’s wrong with my hair?”
“Nothing. Go to sleep.”
“I retract my statement. You’re a little shit.” Justin lives for moments like these, honestly. Where Alex is like his old self again, where he’s sarcastic and funny. He wants to banter with him like this forever.
“Didn’t mean to bruise your giant ego.”
“Better watch what you say to the person you’re using as a pillow.”
“I’m not scared. You’re like a half inch taller than me, and more often than not, you look like a puppy.”
“I may not look very scary, but I bite.”
“I know.” Alex sits up and gestures to his love bite-ridden neck. “These are gonna be bright purple tomorrow. I’m gonna have to wear a scarf or something.”
Justin laughs. “Well that’s tomorrow’s problem. For now, let’s actually sleep.”
~~~
The following morning, Justin wakes up alone. He sits up and rubs at his eyes. He can hear the shower running faintly down the hall. As he thinks about last night, he decides he wants to ask Alex to be his boyfriend. They kind of did the whole relationship thing backwards, having kissed (a lot) and slept together (literally slept, not, you know) before admitting any feelings explicitly.
Justin is lost in thought when Alex makes his way back into the room, a towel hung over his shoulders and wearing only boxers. “Sorry,” he blurts. Alex puts on a shirt and shakes his hair out, then turns to look questioningly at Justin.
“For what?”
Justin gets out of bed and walks over to him. He cups Alex’s neck, running his thumb over the marks he made. His chest swells a little with pride, but still he feels bad that Alex is going to get interrogated by the guys at school, and probably his parents if they see them. “For these.”
“Yeah, you really went to town on me, huh. It’s alright though, I like them.”
Justin furrows his eyebrows.
“I mean, I don’t like that I’ll be questioned by literally everyone, but what they mean to me is worth more than all the gossip. They’ll remind me of what you did every time I see them.” Alex smiles at him.
“I like them too.”
“Yeah? Do I look like I’m properly yours now?” Alex crosses his arms over his chest.
“Not yet.”
“What?”
“Be my boyfriend?”
“Oh.” A blush spreads over Alex’s cheeks. “Yes, I’d like that.”
“Me too. Maybe you should give me a couple hickeys so people know I’m yours too.”
“Do you really want people thinking you scored last night?”
“Well, I did score.”
Alex purses his lips. “I don’t recall. What part of last night do you consider getting lucky?”
“Getting somebody to love.”
Alex groans. “That was so bad. I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore.” He smiles despite his statement.
“Your loss.” Justin shrugs.
Alex shakes his head and pulls him in for a kiss. “Go get ready for school, dumbass. We’re gonna be late.”
“Homeroom is a waste of fifteen minutes that I could be spending making out with my boyfriend.” Justin beams.
~~~