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Zane grits his teeth and meets the eyes of the four boys across the room. He’d summoned his courage and he had to get this over with. It’s the part he’s been dreading since the moment his mind was made up. Talking to his agent, the suits…the endless meetings, negotiations… that was the easy part, really.
With a final, steadying breath he begins “You all have at least some idea of how hard these past few months have been for me.” He sees the boys’ attention focus in on him with varying degrees of concern, worry, and suspicion. There’s no going back now.
“I wanted you all to know- I’ve made a decision. I just…” His voice falters, but he swallows and plows forward, “I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have it in me- not another concert, or appearance. I’m losing my mind and I’m losing myself. I know the timing’s not ideal, but- I’m out. I’ve been in meetings all week- it’s done. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I couldn’t take the chance that I’d lose my nerve.”
He pauses, to gauge the reactions of these boys that have become brothers to him. Niall and Liam stare with widened eyes and mouths lightly gaping and the silence reverberates through the room- deafening in its implications.
Zayn’s eyes jump to Harry as a choking sound breaks from his throat. His chest is moving with labored breathing as his eyes bore stonily in to Zayn and every muscle in his body seems tensed and poised for attack. “What the fuck, Zayn?!” he spits out with as much venom as Zayn’s ever heard from the normally good-natured brunette.
Zayn’s neck snaps back with the force of accusation in those four words, his mind reeling, trying to understand the outrage from those blazing green eyes threatening to burn him up. He grapples with this unexpected and out of character reaction- If anything, he’d expected Harry to take it better than the others and to be patient and understanding. He wasn’t prepared for this and suddenly feels completely off-balance.
His gaze turns to Louis, in a desperate bid for an ally, but the hits keep on coming, as he sees Louis has completely shut down. He’s completely turned in on himself and is refusing to make eye contact.
“Lou?” Zayn pleads helplessly. Why won’t he say something? Zayn needs them to understand. So badly. Louis finally raises his gaze to meet Zayn’s and his breath catches in his chest at the look of hurt and betrayal in Louis eyes. He can only maintain the contact for a few seconds, before he takes a deep breath, clenches his eyes shut and in a tight, gruff voice forces out a few words “I understand mate. We all want the best for you, of course. Do what you have to do. You know we’re always behind you.”
He then stutters quickly to the corner of the room, where Harry is bent over with his head between his shoulders, palms braced on the window ledge, looking like he can barely breathe. Louis leans in close and presses a few words into his ear, wrapping his arm around his waist and gently guiding him to the door. As they pass the threshold, Harry shoots one last look over his shoulder and Zayn is jolted again when he sees the utter heartbreak in every line of Harry’s face.
Zayn feels so confused and lost…he spins back around towards Liam and Niall. Liam’s worried gaze had been following Louis and Harry out of the room and drops to the floor as they leave, hanging his head. Niall’s hand rests over his mouth as his eyes go wide and then quickly clench shut, muttering a quiet “fuck” from behind his hand.
Zayn now officially feels like he’s entered the twilight zone and knows there’s definitely something he’s missing.
“Ughh…guys? A little help here? What the fuck just happened? I thought we had talked about this? I didn’t think it would be this surprising….or, upsetting??”
“And what was Harry on about?!”
Niall squints his eyes at Zayn, with an incredulous look and Liam heaves a sigh.
“Listen…mate, I know we’d talked about this. I mean, we know you’ve been unhappy and we don’t take that lightly, you know we don’t… We’ve all had your back when you’ve needed a break recently and you’ve gotten more than any of us thought you would. You know we’re on your side, but… I mean, I thought we’d all agreed you were going to wait until the end of the tour…?”
Zayn reaches up, grabbing a hank of hair and heaves a sigh… “I know, I know… but I just can’t do it anymore. I…I feel like I’m drowning!”
“And, why do they really care anyway? Especially Harry? Why is he losing it?”
Liam clenches his hands on his hips and paces across the window. Zayn’s left standing with his palms up and arms out to his side. His eyes move to Niall and aims a pleading look, searching for explanation. Niall heaves a sight and rests a heavy hand on Zayn’s shoulder. Squeezing briefly and with pain in his eyes, he gently says
“Think about it mate… They were so close” he says exasperatedly… Zayn shrugs his shoulders and his eyes wide in confusion “What are you talking about??”
Squeezing his shoulder again sharply, Niall states with an air of quiet disappointment “Do you really think there’s any way they’re going to let them come out now?”
The instant the words leave Niall’s mouth, Zayn’s eyes widen and he feels as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room. His skin suddenly feels clammy and a rolling sense of dread moves through his body, causing a harsh shudder and a thick feeling of bile to move up his throat. The remainder of his breath rushes out of his body in a wheeze.
“Oh, shit… Holy. Fucking. Shit” He paces to the opposite wall and then back again, his head suddenly pounding” He collapses down into a crouch- elbows braced on his knees and hands bracing his temples. He presses the heels of his hands deeply into his eyes, trying to corral his jumbled thoughts back into some sort of order. “Oh, fuck. No, Lou… I didn’t… I just… Fuck!”
With a final, resolute squeeze Niall grunts out a half-hearted reassurance of “Hey… What’s done is done, mate. We all want you to be happy, of course. Harry and Louis understand… They’re just gonna need some time, yeah?” With a shrug and a final sigh, he turns and heads out the door.
With effort, Zayn rights his body and slowly, hesitantly turns around to find Liam. Staring out the window, with his arms clasped across his chest, he makes no move to engage.
Feeling defeated, Zayn shuffles close, leaning against the wall on the opposite end of the glass. “Li,” he pleads. “I didn’t… I just… What do I do? I didn’t think…” he helplessly trails off, not able to find any more words.
Liam takes a last, resolute look out the window and then sets his shoulders and turns back to Zayn. “No… You didn’t mate.” He says firmly, but gently. Zayn’s shoulders sag in defeat. “What do I do?”
“Well… It sounds like the damage has been done as far as the suits go. Probably no way to un-ring that bell. Plus… Lou’s been convinced for weeks that they’ve been looking for an excuse to pull the plug, so I’m sure they were thrilled with your change of plans.”
“No mate- I’d say all that’s left for you to do is take care of yourself. Follow your bliss, or whatever, yeah? Like Niall said, you know we all love you and are behind you. We all want you to be happy.”
“Harry and Louis need some time to adjust and get their heads straight. They’ll come around. It’s not like they haven’t dealt with disappointment before. Ni and I will be here for them. Everything will work out.”
With an understanding grimace and a fleeting squeeze to his shoulder, Liam heads out the door. Having followed his progress out of the room, Zane turns a brooding gaze back to the window. In this moment, he feels unbearably selfish. Unfortunately, having played this game now as long as any of them, he know the truth of Liam’s words in his bones- there’s no take-backs. His more cynical side is even sure that there’s also more than a little truth to Liam’s speculation that he was an unwitting accomplice in the suits’ on-going power struggle against Harry and Louis and that alone has his stomach clenching in revulsion.
With a weary shake of his head, he resolutely turns around and heads for the door himself. As with all the shit they’ve been thrown in the past years, the only way out is through.