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Louis was restless.
It has already been seven days, seven fucking days since he had to rush into this wretched hospital only to find the dismantled state of his husband’s body. His Harry. He was almost in a state of trance and shock when he got that phonecall from his son, sobbing in hysterics, half of his words lost in between his hiccups.
‘D-dad was in an accident.’ This kept playing on loops till he reached the hospital.
The moment he finally came face to face with Harry till now is almost blur for Louis. Half the time he is either hooked to the side of Harry’s bed, the other half he stays latched onto Harry’s side of the bed at home. It sounds almost the same but that slight change in the word placement sure does change the course of it.
His Harry was in an accident. That was all he knew. Well, except for the fact that there were probably hundreds of needles punctured into that delicate skin and even more stitches than he can count. He is alive though and that was all that Louis wished for. Harry was alive on that hospital bed, fighting his own system to make it back to his family. To Louis and Alex.
Alex is Louis’ 14 year old son, the one who made the call in cries and sobs. He hasn’t left the place since the past seven days, only leaving the seat outside the hospital cabin to peek through the glass at the door of the room. His Dad. His dad was breathing; he is still there, fighting for his life.
Alex knows, rather blames himself for these recent turn of events and many people who listen to what exactly happened may think the same as well, but well, it was just a bad and misplaced happenings, just an accident. A mishap. But Alex thinks different which is exactly why he has been hooked to that chair outside to be close to his dad. To keep a close eye on him. To take care of him, even if he is probably incapable of doing next to nothing.
‘We have to keep him in an induced coma for his better and quicker healing, Louis. He has lost an immense amount of blood and we need to look for any kind of internal injuries not to worsen. I hope you understand.’ Those were probably the last thing the doctor said before leaving the chamber three days back. Louis hasn’t heard anything else except for a daily routine check-up of the vitals.
His Harry is alive though. He is still breathing.
Louis knows that Alex has been in that same chair since the day of the accident. But he literally doesn’t have in him to talk to anyone, not even his own son. He lets him stay there and drives himself and Alex home every day after the visiting hours are over, only for the same routine to start over in the next day. Louis sees his son’s red-rimmed eyes, but chooses to ignore it.
‘It’s not his fault. It was just an accident’ but Louis seems to overhear all these voices. This is not fair though, Louis knows that but he chooses to stay indifferent about it.
Upon reaching the driveway of their house, Louis simply turns off the ignition and steps out of the car, not even lingering around to hear the faint cry of ‘Papa’ that slips past Alex’s lips. Alex has been trying to talk to his father since the day of the accident, only for Louis to freeze him out.
‘It’s just us buddy, Me, You and Harry.’ Alex stills remembers that. The thing that Louis said when he was just 10 years old. Alex knew that his father was hurting but him phasing him out was not helping Alex with the self-blame that he was imposing on himself.
‘You are a bad son.’ ‘An unworthy one.’ ‘It was all your fault.’ Alex was tired of these voices, tired of shushing them only for them to grow out louder. “STOP! STOP! STOP!” Alex screamed out, his knees close to his chest, his palms covering his ears in order to block out those unnecessary voices. He was tired of it. He wanted to cry and scream out in the pain that coursed through his body.
He simply stepped out of the car, wiping his eyes and walked into their house. He has been doing the same thing every single day since the accident. Louis and him drive back home and then he cries sitting inside the car and finally walks inside. He hates this. He just wants his Dad home. He just wants his family back.
Alex knows what’s next. Louis fixes a quick dinner and leaves a plate on the table for Alex to eat off it. Alex sees it every day and leaves the plate their every single day. Louis still makes the dinner every day hoping for his son to at least grab a bite or two. Alex doesn’t.
Louis hasn’t said a word since the day of the accident. Not a single word. He feels like all the words are stuck in his throat, threatening to spill but actually won’t. It’s painful. It’s painful because all he wants is to hold his son, cuddle and reassure him but he just can’t do it. His body just doesn’t cooperate with it. He feels like he is in a somewhat different world.
He just retires to bed, sleeping on Harry’s side to feel a little closer to his husband, breathing in the faint lingering scent of the body wash that Harry used. It’s masochistic but Louis just can’t bring himself to detach the only thing that feels like Harry at the moment. He just can’t let go of that.
***********
Just like every other morning, Louis simply wakes up, gets dressed and waits for Alex to come down so they could drive over to the hospital. It’s different today though, Alex still hasn’t come down. That’s odd because usually Alex is the one who trots down first, ready to go.
Gulping down the worries, Louis simply climbs the stairs to have a look at Alex’s room. Creaking the door open, he finds his son curled around himself in the middle of the bed, shaking and murmuring something.
‘It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me....” the murmurs keep intensifying along with the shaking.
Louis knows Alex is easily scared when someone shakes him while waking him up, which is why he lays down beside the shaking form of his son, bringing his body close to his, gently rubbing his back to ease the tension. The only alarming thing he registers whilst doing so is that Alex’s body is hot as fire.
“Honey, wake up, Love.. I am here, baby. Papa is here. C’mon, open your eyes. It’s okay, darling. It’s okay. I am here.” Louis kept chanting the same thing over and over again till he found those beautiful blues opening slowly, almost as if it’s hurting Alex to even open his eyes.
Louis is distraught. His son has been suffering the past few days and he didn’t even notice. Well, he did but didn’t care enough to take care of him. He failed. He failed himself as a father.
“Papa” the small whisper was what broke Louis’ trance and he quickly casted away any other lingering thoughts. His son needed him and he was going to prove himself to his son.
“Yes, baby. I am here, my boy. I am so sorry. I am so so sorry for being such a disappointment these past few days but I promise I am here for you, my baby boy. I am always going to be here.” Louis’ voice a bare whisper, his hands constantly stroking Alex’s back.
It didn’t take much for Louis to realise that Alex was tired and needed his sleep. He tucked his son and pecked his forehead only to make a few calls to the hospital to let them know that they weren’t coming in today and to let him know if something happens.
After making the calls and getting updates about Harry, Louis simply went back up to his son’s room to alternate with the wet clothes on his forehead to lower the temperature. Now looking down at his son’s face and form, Louis can’t even hold it in him and starts bawling his eyes out because when did he become so closed off to not see the deteriorating condition of his son? Of course he was hurting but that definitely doesn’t mean that Alex was not.
He couldn’t even face his son. He felt like a disappointment. A major bloody disappointment.
Louis sat beside Alex throughout the entire day, changing the wet cloth in regular intervals and constantly checking his temperature. He even sneaked a bowl of chicken soup and medicines and tucked Alex to bed after kissing his forehead. Louis decided to take a shower and then simply catch some rest and maybe eat something because his stomach has been making some weird noises for quite some time now.
He flicked the shower off finally and towelled himself dry and settled himself on the bed, leaning his back on the headboard. He sighed deeply and simply closed his eyes, seeking some sort of peace and comfort. It was hard. He felt like his mind was completely divided between Harry and Alex and he was nothing but restless.
The sudden scream was what startled Louis and he didn’t even realise when he dozed off. He quickly jumped right off from the bed and ran towards his son’s room from where the screaming came from.
“NO.NO. No.. You can’t take him AWAY. PLEASE NO. DAD, DAD. PLEASE NO, DAD. DAD, COME BACK , PLEASE DAD. NO .NO. I’LL NOT SNAP AT YOU ANYMORE. PLE-“ Louis rushed into the room only to find Alex thrashing around on his bed, his cheeks red, his eyes screwed shut.
Louis literally didn’t know what to do to make his son calm down and relax. He simply rushed to him and enveloped his small frame around his son’s bracketing him, bringing him closer to his chest, rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“Shh.. Shh. Baby, Wake up. Open your eyes, my boy. It’s okay. Dad’s okay.” Louis constantly kept his hand on Alex’s back, urging him to open his eyes, to come out off his nightmare. “Wake up, my love.”
Alex’s thrashing subdued and he was finally calming down, his eyes opening gradually. Upon seeing himself in his father’s arms, the dam and the invisible walls surrounding that fragile boy just broke and he simply clutched his father’s t-shirt, sobbing hysterically.
“I-I d-didn’t mean for it to happen, Papa. I j-just. One second we were in the room and then the next the c-car-“Alex couldn’t even finish the sentence before breaking into a fit of cries and whimpers into Louis’ chest.
“Baby, its okay, Your Dad’s okay, sweetie. He is just a bit unwell but he’ll be okay. The doctors are seeing to it.” Louis tried his very best to assure Alex only for him to falter in his own thoughts.
‘Harry is going to be okay. He is alive. It’s going to be okay.’
“But none of it would have happened if I wasn’t being such a brat to him. None of it would have happened if I didn’t run out of the house, Papa. Dad would have been here, with us. He would have been fine but he is not and all of this is my fault.” It is definitely a lot harder than Louis would have thought it to be. Harry handles these best. ‘Why are you not here?’ Louis’ mind kept screaming.
“I-I called him Harry, Papa. I was so angry and so stressed that I called him Harry instead of Dad and I could see it in his eyes, the light just left, Papa. I made him feel that way and I hate myself because what if something happens and he dies? The last memory that I would have of us is me screaming in his face about how much I hate him. Bu-But I d-don’t, Papa. I don’t hate him, I love him so much. He is my Dad.” Louis could feel his vision blurring because of the tears that were threatening to fall from his eyes but he knew he had to be strong for his son, for their son.
‘It’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.’ Louis kept chanting trying to reassure his son.
He just wanted to see Harry and be by his side but his son needed him too. He just wanted to hold Harry’s hand and rub soothing circles but his son needed the reassurance too. Louis was stuck between the responsibility of being a husband and a father and he just wanted to divide him into two so no one gets ignored. He was tired. He just wanted this to end.
“I’ll be okay, Papa. You go meet Dad and I’ll be here and catch some sleep.” Alex’s voice was small and barely a whisper but he knew that his son was strong.
“I love you, my baby boy.” Louis whispered kissing Alex’s temple.
“I love you too Papa. Take care of Dad and let him know that I love him too and I want him to come back soon.” Alex was silently dozing off, his fever and the constant crying taking a toll on him.
Louis simply tucked the side of the comforter and kissed Alex on the forehead and left for the hospital.
*********
“Hey, Honey. How are we feeling today?” Louis tried joking only for the beeping sound of the machines to keep him company.
Louis simply held Harry’s hand after arriving at the hospital and hasn’t let go off it since then. He felt like Harry knew, that somehow he felt Louis’ touch even if his motor functions didn’t work. He knew that Harry felt those touches and would soon respond back to them. Maybe they void assumptions but the hope of getting back Harry all safe and sound was probably the only thing that kept him going.
“Baby, Y-You can’t be asleep for so long, Honey. What about ‘I’ll have to burn off those extra calories before my next birthday, Louis?’ Y-You have so much left to do, Harry. You still have so many wishes with your bakery and what about the adoption that we were talking about, huh? No one’s going to give me a kid, Harold.” Louis felt like his throat was closing up, his voice choking. “I need your help to get a kid, Harry. I can’t do it alone. Remember, that I am the funny parent and you are the responsible one? I-I can’t do it, being the strict one, I mean. Well, I don’t even know how I handled the first four years of Alex’s life but then you came along and I didn’t have to worry anymore, now, did I? You did it all. From the necessary responsibilities to the unnecessary ones. You did it all and I forgot how to be that. I don’t even want to anymore, Harry. Y-You promised me, during our vows, you promised me a forever, Haz. You can’t break your promise now. I need you. Alex needs you. Come back to us, baby. Come back Home.”
Louis just wanted that small response, even the most negligible one but he didn’t. Harry still lay there, immobile and his eyes closed. Louis simply reached out to rub his thumb across Harry’s cheek, making sure not to touch any of the bandaged part of the face.
***********
“Al, dinner’s ready, big man.” Harry said peeking through the door of Alex’s room, only to find him curled up on the bed, his knees close to his chest. He almost laid there in a fetal position.
“Al? Everything okay, buddy? Are you feeling sick?” Harry walked in with close strides and gently sat down beside Alex, reaching out to the 14 year old.
“I don’t wanna talk about it. J-Just GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE.” Alex said, screaming the last part making Harry flinch.
“Hey, Hey buddy. What’s wrong, Al? Talk to me, big man. Is something bothering you? What’s wrong, love?” Harry was actually concerned for this sudden outburst and was just going to reach out and rub Alex’s back when the next thing that left past Alex’s lips made his world freeze.
“YOU! THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG, HARRY. WE WERE FINE. ME AND PAPA. WE WERE ALL GOOD AND HAD EACH OTHER BUT THEN YOU CAME ALONG OUTTA NOWHERE AND PAPA THOUGH IT WOULD BE BETTER TO MAKE IT PART OF OUR FAMILY. I DON’T WANT THIS. I HATE HAVING TWO FATHERS. I ONLY WANTED ONE. JUS- JUST GO AWAY FROM HERE. I HATE YOU, HARRY.” In normal times, Harry is always the one handling the tantrums and he thought this time was the same but after listening to what Alex had in mind, he was not really in a state to answer back the 14-year old but he knew he had to.
“What brought all this, Al? Why are you telling all this, honey? Y-you know I love you so much, buddy. You know that. And I know you do too, then why the sudden outburst?”
“I-I don’t love you, Harry. I am just tired of going to school everyday and being mocked at. Everyone at school makes fun of me because I have two dads. They think I am a freak and tell me that having two dads is a sin and that I am the ‘cursed child’. I hate it. I hate going back there. I hate being called names and I hate that Papa married you. NONE OF IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF PAPA DIDN’T MARRY YOU. WE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY AND NONE OF THIS SHIT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE US ALONE?” Alex knew how much each word must have hurt Harry but he didn’t stop, he was hurt, he wanted Harry to feel the same.
Harry simply sat there, a silent drop of tear rolling down the side of his cheek, processing every word that left past the boy’s lips that he loved as his own. The boy apparently didn’t.
Before he could formulate any kind of reply, Alex simply rushed out of the room running out of the house. Harry was quick on his heels and started running after him.
“Al, AL... STOP. YOU’LL FALL DOWN, BUDDY. LET’S JUST SIT AND TALK, YEAH? IT’S GONNA BE OKAY, BUDDY, and COME BACK PLEASE” even though Harry was fast, he wasn’t fast enough.
And nobody knew how but within a moment, there was a screeching noise of the tyres, followed by a crash and the world stood still. Alex simply halted only to turn back and find his world freeze. His legs were static in their place, he couldn’t move them.
Harry was lying on the road, covered in his own blood. His eyes dull and a faint smile on his lips when he found Alex beside him on his knees, looking at him with that same love and adoration that Harry was used to see, not the cold demeanour that he was faced with just a few minutes back. That’s his son, that’s the Alex he grew to love.
“Dad.”
A mere whisper and Alex felt Harry go limp under his stare.
**********
Just the constant replay of the events of that dreadful day leaves Alex panting and out of breath. He feels like he is trapped in a room with nowhere to go. He feels all the walls closing in on him. He hates it but he hates the fact even more that the last thing his Dad heard from him was that he hates him.
What if Harry dies? What if Harry loses the battle? Those words will actually be the last words that he said to him.
Collecting his thoughts, Alex simply sat on the couch, his knees close to his chest. He was hungry, he knew that but he didn’t really feel like eating anything, he couldn’t.
It was just a few minutes later that a frantic Louis barged through the main entrance of the house, urging Alex to get dressed because they had to rush into the hospital.
“Come on, Alex. Fast. Go put some clothes on. Let’s go see your Dad before it’s too late.”
Before it’s too late. Before it’s too late. Before its too-
“What...What’s going on, Papa?” he didn’t even want a reply to that question because he felt like he knew what the next moment brought upon, his father was losing his battle, wasn’t he? Harry was going to die and all because of him, all because he did that day. His Dad.
“I don’t have any time for this, Alexander William. Just do what I said.” Louis was stern and closed off. “I’ll wait in the car”.
It was probably a 15-minutes drive and they were finally parking in front of the hospital.
“Go see your Dad. I’ll be there in a minute.” Louis said squeezing Alex’s palm with his.
Alex didn’t have to wait at the reception. He knew where his father was, he knew which room he was in, unless they changed it.
Room 289.
This was it.
Alex could feel his hands shaking, his motion faltering. This could be the last time that he sees his Dad, could be the last time he sees his breathe, he wasn’t going to cry. He was going to tell his Dad how much he loves him, he was going to change the last conversation they have. It was going to be a happy one.
Pushing the door open, Alex slowly raised his head up on for his tears to fall incessantly. It was probably a few minutes that he stood there, frozen and stoic because there lays Harry, perched up on the reclined hospital bed, ushering him to come to him.
His Dad was awake. He didn’t die.
And that realisation was enough for Alex to break down into sobs, sliding down the side on the door, his knees close to his chest while he hid his face in between. Harry couldn’t help the few tears that slipped past his eyelids upon watching his son like that.
“Buddy.” Alex looked up at Harry not wasting any time before rushing towards him, lunging his body around Harry, being careful of all the wires and machines.
“I am sorry, I am so sorry, Dad. I-I didn’t mean any of it that day, I promise. I promise it didn’t. I don’t hate you, Dad and I am glad that you chose us, that you married my Papa. I love you, I love you so much, Daddy. I love you so much.” Alex was pretty sure that the nurse and doctors are not going to be pleased with the tear stains and the snot all over the blanket that was used for covering Harry.
“I love you too big guy. Always will.” Harry replied back.
“But... But Papa said ‘Let’s go see your dad before it’s too late’. I thought...” Alex couldn’t even finish his sentence and he was crying again.
“Your father is the most dramatic one, Al. You of all people should be aware of that by now.” Harry joked, pinching Alex’s cheek lightly.
“Oi. I am offended. Just because I teach drama in college doesn’t mean I am the dramatic one.” Both Harry and Alex snorted only for Louis to fake being furious again.
“I see how it is, huh? Ganging up on me again?” Louis crossed his arms and was looking at the other direction, trying to appear angry and offended. He couldn’t hold the act up for long because soon a pair of arms was around his waist and a cheek smooshed against his tummy. Louis simply carded his fingers through his son’s feathery brown hair, assuring him that everything’s okay.
“I love you, my baby.” Louis whispered to his son’s ears only for Alex’s hold around his waist to tighten.
Leaving his Papa, Alex simply walked over to his Dad’s bedside and sat on the stool.
“Are you okay, Dad?”
“I have been better, buddy, I won’t lie. But I am good , now that You and your father are here. I am all good.” Harry mumbled flashing a genuine smile at his son.
“I love you, Dad.” Alex murmured, holding Harry’s big palms in his small ones.
“I love you too, Alexander Tomlinson.” Harry said in a teasing tone because he knew how much Alex hates being called Alexander even though that’s his name.
“Alexander Tomlinson-Styles, Daddy.” And that was probably better than any cure that any of the doctors could give Harry. He felt at peace because he finally had his family back, with him.