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She can hear the doors to the dining hall open, yet she pays it no mind to it, not when she is hidden away in Neelix’s small kitchen. Knowing Neelix’s schedule by heart, she often finds solace in here with a cup of coffee when the mess hall is empty.
“Man, we were so fucking close.”
“What do you mean? What’s got you so pissed?”
“Dude, we could have been halfway home by now.”
She perks up when she hears that last statement, her focus onto Tuvok’s cold report now melting into nothing. Glancing over her shoulder, she is relieved to see that she is still hidden away from the view of both Crewman Tellers of Starfleet and Crewman Koana of the Maquis.
“What?!”
“The Sikarians have the technology to transport us forty thousand lightyears closer to the Alpha Quadrant.”
“The Sikarians? The same ones who have butterflies for brains that kept trying to convince us to have an orgy with them?”
She literally has to press her hand against her mouth to keep herself from laughing out loud. If Harry had not come running up to her, she would have gladly allowed Gath to have his way with her. The second that memory presses against her vision, her shoulders slack as her heart tugs towards the pit of her belly.
“Jokes on us.” She can hear the viciousness in Koana’s whispered words. “If we stayed with them, then we could have been halfway home.”
“Dude, I still don’t understand.”
“The Sikarians have technology that can help us get home, yet the Cap decided not to use it.”
“There’s got to be more to it.”
“She refused.”
But it didn’t! She wants to scream out loud. She had tried her best to convince Gath to allow them the use of their technology once, but he point blank refused almost to the point of violence.
“The Cap is just as eager to get home as the rest of us. She would not refuse to use sophisticated technology for the sake of it.”
“Are you sure? She’s the one who gave the order to destroy the Caretaker’s Array.”
“Dude! How many fucking times do I have to say it?! The Kazon would have used it to their advantage. Not to mention, now that the Cardassians, who you fucking sworn to destroy, know about it, they would have also used the link to their advantage. It would have been a complete shit show.”
Silence reigns between the two crewmen.
While she is grateful for Crewmen Tellers for understanding her decision to destroy the Caretaker’s Array, her heart still twists that most of the crew still views her as a villain. For the millionth time, she wishes that the Badlands had never existed.
“Besides,” she can hear the mirth in Tellers’ voice, “wasn’t it just a few days ago you were going on and on about how fine the Cap is. Dude, you were literally drooling.”
“Bro, she fucking hot, but if she isn’t even trying to get us ho–”
“Dude, that’s bullshit and you know it.”
Pinching the bridge of her nose, she wonders if she is trapped in some sort of alternate reality, stuck somewhere between Tuvok plotting behind her back and two crewmen arguing over the veracity of her honor. Grant it, both Tellers and Koana used to go out of their way to pick fights with each other, yet now they are the best of buds. Their shared time in the brig must have done wonders. Another memory flourishes in her mind; the wine shared, a few truths confessed, the touch of his thumb caressing her cheek, the ghost of his lips.
“Koana, who told you all of this?”
“Seska. She told a group of us an hour ago.”
Now, while that piece of information should surprise her, it doesn’t, not with her disgust of her leadership well known. She has been on the other side of Seska’s wrath for as long as she has known her. She was also the only one out of the small group who was defiant in her reasoning of making the secret deal with the Sikarians. At this point, it would not be a shock if Seska led a revolt against her.
“And do you honestly believe her?” When Koana doesn’t answer as swiftly as she expected, Tellers murmurs, “I thought so.”
“But I believe Tuvok.”
She slams her eyes shut as the pain of her best friend’s deceit snakes through her heart. It is there, she sees the Darkness giving her a sinister smile under its caliginous cloak, almost as if it had known that those she respects and depends on would turn on her.
“Tuvok was there when she told you this story?”
“No, but she told us that Tuvok had gone behind the Cap’s back to acquire the technology.”
“Jump the fuck back. He is loyal to her.”
“Yeah…” is all that Koana whispers.
“Then it is safe to assume that the Cap was not able to acquire the technology diplomatically. Perhaps, Tuvok took it upon himself to get it through less-than-diplomatic channels.”
“Behind her back?”
“He is protective of her. Perhaps he thought it was logical to keep her out of it so that she could truthfully have plausible deniability.”
“Plausible deniability? What the fuck, man?”
“She can truthfully tell the Sikarians that she had no knowledge that her crewmembers were conspiring to steal their technology. If we were back in the Alpha Quadrant, plausible deniability would have been a sufficient defense under a court marshall.”
“I’m gonna say this one more time; what the fuck, dude!?”
Honestly, her sentiments exactly.
“I was going to study law after my tour was finished,” Tellers confesses.
“Get the fuck back! That’s cool, dude!”
“Yeah, well plans change I guess.”
It’s right then and there, she makes a promise to herself to get to know her crew, to understand what drives them, what inspires them, to learn what their dreams and aspirations were before she had made the decision to destroy the Caretaker’s Array.
“I can tell you that Seska won’t stop until everyone knows what the Cap did.”
“Be careful, Koana. Seska is boarding on insubordination and, if she is not checked, mutiny. Don’t get twisted up in her web.”
“Dude, I don’t think Seska has it in her to stage a mutiny, but I get where you are coming from.”
“Do you think she told Chakotay?”
“I think she was going to tell him.” Panic begins to bubble into her throat. “Why?”
“They’re tight. I can only imagine that if he found out before the Cap told him, he would be pissed.”
She presses her lips together, her fingernails digging painfully in her palms as she tries to keep her feet planted, guilt twisting like a vicious vine within her belly. She was hoping not to tell him. The last thing she wanted to do was to see the look of disappointment after getting his hopes up.
At least, that is what she keeps telling herself.
“You know,” Koana whispers, “Chako used to fuck around with Seska.”
“Get the fuck out of here!”
“Shh!” She can hear the doors leading to the dining area opening. “He obviously wanted to keep it casual, but he ended it when she started to brag about it to the crew. I think he was going to have her transferred off the Val Jean, but wasn’t able to before going into the Badlands.”
“Bro, that doesn’t necessarily inspire trust in her.”
“I guess not.” She can hear them set their plates down. “Come on, I heard that Monroe bought a shit ton of wine from the Sikarians and that she’s having a party.”
Staring down at the PADD as she hears both Crewmen make their way, she focuses her mind on allowing her lungs to draw in oxygen.
Since the night she had allowed him to sleep in her bed, she had been purposely ignoring him.
“You can stay.” Those three words, murmured under the anonymity of the night, have the power to draw fire down her spine. She had felt hazy under the weight of his arms wrapped around her, his soft consoling words draining the veracity of her self-hatred. At that moment, she wanted nothing more than to stay consumed within his kindness, to be oblivious to the world of her own making.
Yet, he had refused to stay. He knew that she would hate him the moment they would wake the next morning.
She likes to think that she’s above a hatred as cold as that, however, she didn’t want to put them in that position; not with a seventy year journey in front of them.
Glancing at the wall separating her from the dining hall, she now has to push her own personal feelings to the side so that she can talk to Chakotay before Seska can. Honestly, this is why I should keep him at arm’s length. She can’t have this secrecy between her and her second in command. It will destroy them before any hostiles will.
Standing, she gathers the PADD and dumps her coffee down the drain before making her way out into the corridor.
“So, let me get this straight.” He glances up at Seska who has her arms petulantly crossed tightly along her chest. “Harry had found out that the Sikarians had technology to help us travel over forty thousand lightyears away, yet when he told the Captain, she refused to ask for their help.”
“She’s deranged, Chakotay.”
“And so, in response, you, Carey, Torres, and Tuvok devised a plan to steal the technology?”
“We weren’t going to steal it,” she tuts with the roll of her eyes. “One of the Sikarians, who was receptive to our dilemma, offered to help in exchange for a few stories. It was, honestly, harmless.”
“But then you tried this fold technology?”
“It, unfortunately, did not work.”
“Tuvok agreed to this plan?”
She innocently shrugs her shoulders. “Perhaps he is just as desperate to get home as the rest of us.”
Tuvok is never desperate, yet I find it doubtful that he would go behind the Captain’s back. “And what was the real reason why the Sikarians would not share their technology?”
“I told you.” Seska bats her eyelashes and he knows, without a doubt, that she is lying. Despite the history of her people, she can be quite deceptive. She does so in a quiet manner, yet it’s what makes it so unnerving. “She refused to see reason.” Her brows cross in fury. “She wants to keep us a prisoner here under the guise of her silly little rulebook.”
His ears perk at the last part of her statement. “So, it wasn’t the Captain, it was the rules of Starfleet that kept her or the Skiarians from sharing their technology.”
“Chakotay, this is ridiculous!” Seska throws her hands into the air. “Her very actions are keeping us from getting home. We need to do something! We need to–”
“No.” Completely over this conversation five minutes ago, he stands and makes his way to Seska. “Mutiny will not be tolerated.”
“But, yet, it’s okay to tolerate her blindness when it comes to acquiring technology to get us back home?” She takes a step forward, her nose barely an inch from his own. “You are pathetic for following her.”
“And you are boarding on insubordination.” Lightly grabbing her arm, he walks her towards his door. “I suggest, for the sake of your freedom, that you either start telling the truth or stop talking about this incident altogether.”
“For my freedom?!” She forcefully pulls her arm out of his grip. “She is dooming this crew to certain death and you continue to be blind to it. Or perhaps,” her lips curve in a deviousness he had only seen a few times, “you are choosing to be blind to her actions. Perhaps, you prefer being out here.”
“You are the one being ridiculous.”
She softens her shoulders and presses against him. “Why are you wasting your time fucking with her when I can give you exactly what you need.”
“Leave,” he takes a step back and presses the button to open the door. “And don’t–”
A small cough next to him nearly paralyzes him. His heart drops to the bottom of his belly when he sees the Captain standing there, her eyes ticking between him and Seska with curiosity.
“What were you saying Chakotay?” Seska’s smugness nearly drives him to punch a hole in the wall.
Yet, two can play that game. Straightening himself to his fullest height, he looks down to Seska and snarls under his breath. “And don’t think that I will easily forget your ruse to plant doubt upon this ship. If you choose mutiny, then I assure you, you will be alone in that venture.” Satisfaction pricks along the back of his neck as Seska’s smug grin drains from her face. “Dismissed.”
Kathryn jumps to the side as Seska barrels her way out of his quarters. Glancing over her shoulder, she quietly asks, “Do you think it is handled?”
“No.” He steps to the side to invite her in. “However, she is pacified for the moment.”
When the door closes, she gets as far as the dining table and stops to turn to him. “She told you about the fold technology?”
“Yes.”
“She told you how it was my fault that we were not able to acquire the technology.”
He grits his teeth. While he is sure most of their crews have moved on from their animosity, he hates to confirm that there are some who are too stubborn to give up on it just yet. “She weaved quite a tale.”
“I can assure you, Commander, that I tried my best to secure access to the fold technology. The Sikarians flat out refused, citing their own laws forbidding their people to share their technology. What was I to do?”
Nothing, he silently confirms. “And Tuvok?”
For a second, blink and it's gone, her bottom lip quivers before she is able to secure it under her stiff upper lip. “Despite my order for them to leave the Sikarians alone, Tuvok went down to the planet’s surface to make the exchange; a copy of our library for a copy of their fold technology.”
Honestly, he is quite surprised that Tuvok had made that decision. A stickler for the rule book, he can’t imagine him turning his nose at something as big as the Prime Directive. Seeing Kathryn now, he can only imagine how she must be feeling. It’s one thing for a few young crew members to brush away something as ambiguous and gray as the Prime Directive, yet it is quite another when it is someone that you trust to uphold the values of Starfleet. “Why didn’t you come to me?”
She looks off to the side and sighs. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up.”
For the first time since crossing paths with Captain Kathryn Janeway, he is quite surprised that she is lying to him. He shakes his head, “Don’t do that.”
She refuses to look at him.
“Don’t lie to me. You are only making it worse.”
Taking a deep breath, she finally looks at him, her eyes as cold as steel. “I was not able to secure the technology. I thought that the matter was laid to rest until it was not. I was going to brief you on the situation in due course, however I overheard Koana tell Tellers that Seska is weaving a colorful story to the crew.”
He knows that there is more, yet he is too stubborn to let it go. “You’ve been ignoring me since before we met the Sikarians.” He lets go of his own anger when he sees her eyes dart towards his door. “I’ve been giving you some space since that night.”
“You and Seska were lovers.”
Her words are like a slap to his face. “We were some time ago, yet I fail to see what that has got to do with us.”
“It didn’t work out.”
“Obviously not.” His brow dips in confusion. “Where are you going with–”
“This is why we can’t get involved with each other; flirting, dinners, sleepovers, none of it.”
“A few weeks after Seska and I started our affair, I caught her reaming out a fellow crew member. At the end, she told him that she will inform me of his misdeeds that night. She used our relationship to instill fear and power over my crew. That night I ended it with her. I was about to drop her off at a Maquis outpost, however we were chased into the Badlands by the Cardassians.” He can see her own determination wavering. “I’m not looking for a hookup with you or to lord your position as a captain over others. I enjoy spending time with you simply for the fact that I can be myself.”
“I’m…,” she swallows hard, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to get everyone home.” She hands him the PADD she had been holding. “That’s how it should stay.”
Just as he takes the PADD, she is quickly making her way towards his door. “You know, the first time I saw you, I hated you.” She abruptly stops, her finger poised to push the button to release the door. “I hated everything your starry bright eyes stood for. I hated the uniform you proudly wore. I hated your boorish take-charge attitude.” He throws the PADD onto the table and takes a few steps towards her. “Then, you came to me and got to know me when everyone else in the Federation would have hung me up their mighty pole. At first, I thought it was just the predicament that we were in, but then I was guided to follow your lead, to stand behind someone no one dared to because, unlike Starfleet itself, you are very much human.”
“I… I will fuck this up.” She takes a deep breath before glancing over her shoulder at him. “We can’t afford that. Not now, not ever.”
“I respectfully disagree with you. I think both of us are wise enough to know when to not let it bleed out into the rest of the ship.” He takes a step back. “I will still respect your wishes, however, there will come a point where you will want more. Whether that is with me or with someone else, only time will tell.” He hopes beyond the bright stars of his own dreams that she will choose him, however he is too weary of the universe around him to be beholden to the beauty of her soul while she simultaneously bows to the whims of the pain she has obviously experienced in her past.
Turning away from him, she presses the button and walks out.