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Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Padfoot declares this class pointless and boring.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Padfoot, but requests that he leave him alone. Mr. Moony wishes to take notes.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is being a good-goody spoilsport.

Mr. Padfoot invites Mr. Prongs to talk over here instead.

Mr. Moony wishes to remind Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs what happened last time they were passing notes in class.

Mr. Wormtail wants to know what Mr. Moony is talking about.

Mr. Padfoot wants Mr. Wormtail to shut up and begs Mr. Moony to forget about aforementioned embarrassing and unpleasant memories.

Exactly. That’s why you and Prongs should quit passing notes.

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Moony for the zillionth time to identify his note with his name.

Mr. Prongs joins Mr. Padfoot in his reminder to Mr. Moony.

Mr. Wormtail wishes to add that we need to appear as if we are working.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Wormtail should shut up. Again.

Later in Defense Against the Dark Arts…

Mr. Prongs is bored and in want of entertainment. He is open for suggestions.

Mr. Padfoot is bored too and is happy to join Mr. Prongs in whatever endeavors might bethought up.

Wormtail? Moony? Any suggestions?

Oh… I don’t know… maybe you could take notes for once?

Mr. Padfoot is slightly scandalized by Mr. Moony’s suggestion.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot and would like to add that taking notes would be even more boring than passing them.

Mr. Wormtail wonders where Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs would be without Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony doesn’t have to wonder. He knows they would have been several years expelled already.

Mr. Prongs would like to express his undying gratitude to Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot seconds that opinion and wants to add that Mr. Wormtail ought to keep his scruffy nose and thoughts to himself.

Mr. Wormtail is of the opinion that he can say whatever he likes.

Mr. Prongs agrees that Mr. Wormtail should shut up.

Later in Transfiguration…

Mr. Padfoot is very much interested to know what exactly Mr. Prongs finds so fascinating about the back of Lily Evans’ head.

Mr. Prongs thinks that no matter how interested Mr. Padfoot may be, he shall remain curious because he will now leave Mr. Prongs alone.

Mr. Padfoot is adamant and continues to press for details.

Mr. Moony finds it prudent to inquire of Mr. Prongs on Mr. Padfoot’s behalf.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what he is missing if Mr. Moony is worried enough to inquire.

Mr. Moony would like to inquire as to how exactly Mr. Prongs knows that Mr. Padfoot will now leave him alone.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that Mr. Prongs has a new hex he wishes to test out.

Wormtail!

Sorry Prongs.

Yeah. Shut up Wormtail. Anyway, Mr. Padfoot can take anything Mr. Prongs throws at him.

Mr. Prongs sincerely doubts that.

Mr. Padfoot is eager to prove himself to Mr. Prongs at the earliest convenience.

Mr. Prongs will take Mr. Padfoot up on that offer, but right now Mr. Padfoot is distracting him from more interesting things.

Mr. Moony seconds the opinion that Mr. Padfoot is being distracting, but believes that Mr. Prongs is not so eager to get back to his impressive note-taking skills.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Moony should leave him alone too.

Mr. Moony would be happy to if Mr. Padfoot weren’t so insistent on his participation inthis…stimulating conversation.

Mr. Padfoot is willing to excuse Mr. Moony from this discourse on the condition that he share his notes.

Mr. Moony disapproves and suggests that Mr. Padfoot take his own notes.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot finds the idea of note-taking repulsive and wants to find another topic ofconversation.

Mr. Wormtail wants to know if Mr. Padfoot is referring to Mr. Prongs’ interest in Miss Evans.

Mr. Padfoot bids Mr. Wormtail to shut up and please not waste parchment by stating theobvious.

Mr. Prongs seconds that statement and wishes Mr. Padfoot would follow his own advice.

Mr. Padfoot gives advice for those who are not fortunate enough to be him.

Mr. Moony is suffocating under the pressure of Mr. Padfoot’s inflated ego.

Remarks about his ego aside, Mr. Padfoot wishes to get back on topic.

By continuing this line of interrogation, Mr. Padfoot is only bringing down disappointment upon his sorry self.

Mr. Padfoot is insulted that Mr. Prongs is not impressed by his greatness.

Will you two just stop it and pretend to pay attention?!

Mr. Padfoot chastises Mr. Moony for his forgetfulment of the rules.

“Forgetfulment” isn’t even a word, Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs issues a second warning to Mr. Moony. Another offense will result in a hex.

Mr. Padfoot doesn’t care if it wasn’t a word because it is one now.

And who—

Moony! The rules!

Fine! Mr. Moony would like to know what idiot gave Mr. Padfoot the right to make up words.

Mr. Padfoot is the granter of all rights.

Mr. Moony would like to announce that Mr. Padfoot will be giving lessons on acquiring and maintaining an enormous ego on the third and fourth Tuesday of each month at seven p.m.—

Mr. Padfoot ridicules Mr. Moony for preposterous ideas.

Mr. Prongs assures Mr. Moony that “preposterous” is a word.

I know that!

Mr. Prongs would like Mr. Moony to control his temper. We are in class.

Mr. Padfoot suggests that Mr. Moony get back to his brilliant note-taking.

Mr. Moony is interested in knowing the reasons behind Mr. Padfoot’s sudden interest in note-taking.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that his interest in notes is limited to those taken by Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony questions the validity of Mr. Padfoot’s motives.

Mr. Padfoot draws the attention of Messers Moony and Wormtail to the fact that Mr. Prongs is distracted.

Yes, Padfoot... It’s fascinating. Now that I’ve missed most of the lesson may I return to my note-taking? I have better things to do than watch Prongs watch Evans.

Mr. Padfoot gives Mr. Moony permission to return to his notes.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Padfoot is so suddenly interested in Mr. Prongs’ interest in MissEvans. Mr. Wormtail feels that he might be missing something.

Mr. Padfoot chides Mr. Wormtail for his lack of attention to important matters.

Mr. Moony congratulates Mr. Padfoot for his impressive variety of verbs and wonders when Prongs’ non-existent love life came to reside under “important matters.”

Mr. Padfoot has always considered Mr. Prongs’ and Miss Evans’ relationship to be of the utmost importance.

Mr. Wormtail would like to know if this is out of concern for Mr. Prongs or because watching them is so amusing.

Both.

Mr. Moony is not surprised.

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Wormtail would like to express his astonishment that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are actually taking notes.

Mr. Padfoot is hurt by this slur on his typical classroom behavior.

Mr. Prongs feels compelled to point out that Mr. Moony is not here to take notes.

Mr. Wormtail is surprised that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs care enough about their education to take notes in Mr. Moony's absence.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Wormtail is being ridiculous.

Mr. Padfoot has a lot more fun at school than anywhere else. Except when he's in class, ofcourse.

Mr. Prongs would appreciate it if Mr. Wormtail and Mr. Padfoot would go back to their note-taking and let Mr. Prongs go back to his. He promised Mr. Moony he would pass along what happened in class and Mr. Prongs is a man of his word.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that Mr. Prongs' note-taking parchment is looking a little… blank.

Mr. Prongs maintains that nothing important has yet been said in this class.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Moony would disagree.

Mr. Padfoot can add two and two.

Mr. Prongs congratulates Mr. Padfoot for his extraordinary mathematical skills.

Mr. Padfoot chooses to ignore Mr. Prongs' rude comment and wishes to inquire why exactly Mr. Prongs is so eager to return to his notes if he has not yet in fact made any.

Mr. Wormtail is curious too.

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to miss anything that might be important.

What? Like the fact that Miss Evans' hair just turned purple?

[Prongs' head whips around to look at Evans' hair.]

Mr. Padfoot finds Mr. Prongs' definition of "important" interesting.

Mr. Prongs wishes that Mr. Padfoot would tell the truth and quit making a fool of him in class.

Mr. Padfoot denies all charges.

Mr. Prongs wishes Mr. Moony was here to take good notes.

Mr. Wormtail wonders when the professors will notice that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs only know information that is not taught at the full moon.

Mr. Padfoot is horrified by Mr. Wormtail's blunt words regarding Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs is glad Mr. Moony is not here to freak out at that comment.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Wormtail that Mr. Moony's furry little problem is not to be mentioned directly in company.

Mr. Wormtail was under the impression that this parchment is private.

Mr. Padfoot knows that. But it's not invisible; therefore we owe our friend and comrade our silence.

Mr. Wormtail offers his apologies.

Mr. Prongs graciously accepts those apologies on both his and Mr. Padfoot's behalf.

Mr. Padfoot does not appreciate apology thievery.

Mr. Wormtail would also like to point out to Mr. Prongs that taking notes for Mr. Moony in this class is pointless.

Mr. Prongs wonders why this is.

Prongs, this is Muggle Studies. Moony is a half-blood. His mother is a muggle. Moony knows everything he needs to know about muggles.

Oh.

Yeah. Nice going Prongs.

Mr. Prongs is seriously rethinking this whole note-taking idea.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that is an excellent idea. He's missing his partner in inattentiveness.

Mr. Prongs has a further question: why is Lily taking this class? She's muggle-born, isn't she?

Mr. Padfoot offers a simple explanation: it's Evans. Like our own dear Moony, she takes everything.

Right.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if this is the first time this has occurred to Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs cannot remember wondering about it before.

Really Prongs? You've only been obsessing over her for five years. And been in this class with her for four of them.

Mr. Wormtail echoes Mr. Padfoot's remarks: seriously?!

No, not Siriusly. Jamesily. I'm Sirius. He's James.

That joke got old in first year, Padfoot.

I know. That's why it amuses me so much.

Mr. Wormtail is rather disgusted by Mr. Padfoot's sense of humor.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Wormtail sounds like Mr. Moony. Are you sure you don't have him hiding under your cloak or something Wormy?

Don't be ridiculous, Pro—

EUREKA!

What is it now, Padfoot?

Mr. Padfoot has made a rather brilliant discovery.

Mr. Prongs wearily urges Mr. Padfoot to continue.

Mr. Padfoot has realized that "Jamesily" is a combination of Prongs and Evans' names.

WE'RE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER!

Now look what you've done, Padfoot.

[Three minutes later.]

Mr. Prongs thinks that went well.

Mr. Padfoot wonders when Mr. Prongs lost his mind.

Mr. Wormtail also doubts Mr. Prongs' sanity. You do realize that jumping up and proposing marriage to her in the middle of class wasn't the best idea, don't you?

Mr. Prongs concedes that it could have gone better. A simple "no" would have been better than a detention and getting a book thrown at his head. He had no idea that the Muggle Studies textbooks were so heavy.

Mr. Wormtail would like to inquire if Mr. Prongs has actually looked at his Muggle Studies textbook since he bought it before third year.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think he has.

Mr. Wormtail suggests that Mr. Prongs not tell Mr. Moony that.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Wormtail's assessment.

Mr. Padfoot has noticed that it is only a few minutes before the bell. Maybe we ought to pack up. Professor Burbage has finished talking.

Mr. Prongs thinks this is an excellent idea. Certainly one of Mr. Padfoot's more brilliant ones.

Mr. Wormtail begs Mr. Prongs to not try to talk to Miss Evans on the way out of class. He's already infuriated her enough for one class period.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. Promise us you won't do anything stupid, Prongs. Like talk to Evans. Or follow her. Or as much as glance in her general direction. We really don't want you to have to join Mr. Moony in the hospital wing.

Relax, guys. I'll just pretend Evans doesn't even exist.

Mr. Padfoot seriously doubts Mr. Prongs' ability to do this.

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Prongs wonders what would happen if he were to pass a note to Miss Evans.

Mr. Padfoot advises against this. She is not nearly as permissive a prefect as our Moony.

Mr. Moony thinks this would be verging on idiotic. (By the way, he's ignoring that comment, Padfoot.)

Really? Some support here guys!

Mr. Padfoot has changed his mind. He wants nothing more that to scrape the remains of Mr. Prongs off the floor.

Mr. Prongs greatly appreciates Mr. Padfoot's help.

You're welcome.

If Mr. Prongs were to possibly pass a hypothetical note to Miss Evans, what might it say?

Mr. Padfoot has no interest in contributing to pointless notes. Especially because Miss Evans has a particular aversion to Mr. Padfoot's sense of humor.

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Prongs just tell her she's pretty and ask her out.

No! It needs to be more creative than that.

Mr. Padfoot is surprised by Mr. Moony's maliciousness.

Mr. Prongs seems to be missing something.

Mr. Moony means that Mr. Prongs should skip agonizing over wording and get to the good part.

The good part?

Mr. Padfoot means that part where you get hexed into oblivion, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs is doubting his friends' love and loyalty…

Mr. Moony apologizes for his earlier comments.

Mr. Padfoot does NOT apologize and looks forward to the aftereffects of Mr. Prongs' note.

Mr. Prongs thinks that you lot are extraordinarily unhelpful.

Mr. Padfoot tries hard.

[A few minutes later...]

Mr. Prongs wants Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Moony to review his note:

      Dear Lily,

      Will you go to Hogsmeade with me this week-end?

      James

Mr. Padfoot is skeptical. This note certainly isn't very original.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Padfoot for once.

Thanks a lot Moony.

Anytime Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs hopes that the simplicity and straightforwardness of this note will astound Miss Evans and appeal to her better nature.

Mr. Padfoot was under the impression that Miss Evans' better nature hates Mr. Prongs. Are there any recent developments that he is unaware of?

Mr. Prongs is offended that Mr. Padfoot thinks so of Miss Evans. Miss Evans loves Mr. Prongs.

She just doesn't know it yet?

Something like that.

You're crazy.

Shut up Padfoot. Moony?

What?

Mr. Prongs wants Mr. Moony's constructive advice.

Mr. Padfoot is offended because his advice has been rejected.

Mr. Moony will constrict his advice to: short and simple is as good as anything.

Mr. Prongs is not sure what Mr. Moony means by that.

Mr. Moony means that all past evidence points to the fact that no matter what Mr. Prongs writes in his note, Miss Evans will be upset.

You really think it will upset her?

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs should quit worrying and just send the note!

Mr. Prongs is highly suspicious of Mr. Padfoot's sense of urgency.

Just do it already!

Fine. Here it goes...

[About five minutes, a fight, and an assigned detention later...]

Mr. Padfoot found that display highly amusing.

Mr. Prongs doesn't like Mr. Padfoot anymore.

Why not?

You're not the one with detention every night for a week!

Mr. Moony would like to point out that this detention will only get longer if McGonagall catches you passing notes in her class.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't care.

Mr. Prongs would be delighted if Mr. Padfoot would join him in detention.

Mr. Padfoot is surprised. He thought Mr. Prongs would have enjoyed time alone with Miss Evans.

Mr. Prongs disagrees. One: She hates my guts. Two: Its detention, not a date!

Mr. Moony thinks that maybe Mr. Prongs ought to leave Miss Evans alone for a while.

What?!

[A few minutes later.]

Mr. Moony would like to observe that mimed death scenes in response to a passed note never go over well with McGonagall.

Shut up Moony.

What? Cause you have a week of detention and you just lost 20 points for Gryffindor?

Mr. Padfoot would like to now take time to look forward to his detention-free week next week. He plans to spend the time with his newest girlfriend.

SHUT UP PADFOOT!

Mr. Moony would like to know if this is still Amy, or if Padfoot has a new girlfriend.

Mr. Padfoot's girlfriend is Mandy Ellington. Ravenclaw, fifth year.

Mr. Moony is astonished by the rate at which Mr. Padfoot goes through girlfriends.

What? They keep dumping me!

Mr. Prongs believes that this is because Mr. Padfoot's charm is only good at getting girls, not keeping them.

Mr. Padfoot's charm is good for everything and is improved by his dashing good looks.

Mr. Moony suggests that he might keep girls longer if he deflated his head.

Mr. Padfoot's head is attractively large!

Mr. Prongs has the misfortune to have to deal with his delusional friends.

You mean Moony?

No, I mean you!

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Padfoot would like to congratulate his fellow Messrs. and Marauders on an excellent prank Tuesday last.

Mr. Prongs thanks Mr. Padfoot for his praise and returns the same. Without his expertise, surely such a glorious act of mischief and hilarity would not have taken place.

Mr. Padfoot blushes. Mr. Prongs is too kind.

Mr. Moony reminds his fellow miscreants that passing notes right under McGonagall's nose is a bad idea.

Mr. Padfoot firmly believes that Minnie loves him and would not mind in the slightest.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot and would like to bring the singular nature of the parchment we are using to Mr. Moony's attention.

Mr. Moony is aware of the concealment charms on this parchment. He cast them himself.

Then Mr. Prongs is puzzled as to how exactly Mr. Moony thinks Minnie will catch us writing notes.

Mr. Wormtail would like to clarify Mr. Moony's point: McGonagall sees everything .

Mr. Moony would also like to point out that note passing is the reason that Mr. Prongs and are now the only sixth years with assigned seats. Seats on opposite ends of the front row.

[A large scribble on the parchment in Prongs' pen.]

The difficulties of human transfiguration—

Mr. Padfoot is confused by Mr. Prongs' sudden change in topic.

Mr. Prongs is now relieved that Minnie didn't see that.

Mr. Moony says "I told you so".

[Five minutes later.]

Mr. Prongs is open to accepting offers to join him in detention next Monday.

Mr. Padfoot would join Mr. Prongs, but his Monday night is already reserved for… otheractivities.

Mr. Moony hopes these "activities" don't involve being out after curfew. He has prefect duty that night and Mr. Padfoot has used up all his freebies.

Mr. Wormtail is amused by the word "freebie".

You would be, Wormy.

Mr. Prongs wishes to know what sorts of activities are more important that helping his good-as-brother survive a detention with an irate Minnie.

Mr. Moony would like to answer this with succinct bluntness: Padfoot has a hot date.

Mr. Prongs is offended that Mr. Padfoot is abandoning him for some girl.

Mr. Padfoot defends himself with the explanation that this is not just any girl.

Padfoot, if you bewitched Evans to go out with you, I swear I will punch your face in—

Relax, Prongs. I would never do that. Evans is off limits for everyone but you.

Mr. Wormtail would like to remind Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs that they're breaking the rules.

Mr. Padfoot offers his apologies to Mr. Wormtail. He and Mr. Prongs were having a moment there.

And this is where Mr. Moony is glad McGonagall insists that the two of you sit on opposite sides of the room.

Ewwww Moony! What are you suggesting?

Mr. Moony wasn't suggesting anything. It is no fault of his if Mr. Padfoot has a dirty mind.

Yeah, mind out of the gutter, Padfoot. We still don't know who your hot date is.

Shut up, Prongs.

Mr. Wormtail would like to remind his fellow Marauders—

Shut up, Wormtail!

Mr. Moony is amused by Mr. Padfoot's high level of sensitivity to this matter. Are you going to tell them or should I?

Mr. Prongs is further offended that Mr. Moony knows the identity of Mr. Padfoot's hot date before he does.

Mr. Padfoot again has an explanation: Mr. Moony only knows because he walked in on us last time.

Yes, and I think I'm scarred for life.

Mr. Prongs thinks this means Mr. Moony needs a girlfriend.

Mr. Padfoot agrees.

Mr. Moony would like to point out that of the four of us, Mr. Padfoot is the only one who isn'tsingle. And if his track record is anything to go by, he too will be single by the end of next week.

My "track record"?!

Yes, Padfoot, your track record.

What do you mean? I don't have a track record.

You don't? Let me prove it to you.

I'd like to see you try.

Alright then. Two questions. One: how many girls have you dated? Or just snogged.

Um…

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to know the answer to that question.

Okay. Two: what is the longest you've been able to keep a girlfriend?

I dunno… There must have been someone…

Mr. Wormtail recalls that Mr. Padfoot dated Kelly Morgan for three weeks in fourth year beforeshe dumped him for the Ravenclaw Keeper.

Mr. Prongs is amazed and rather horrified that Mr. Wormtail keeps track of Mr. Padfoot's dating history.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't keep track. He only remembers because Miss Morgan has hated all theMarauders ever since.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why Miss Morgan's hatred for us is different than, say, Miss Evans' for example.

Mr. Moony speculates that the situation with Miss Morgan is not all that different from the one with Miss Evans. It just involves a different member of our esteemed company.

Mr. Prongs wonders what Mr. Moony means by that—OH!

Bit slow there, Prongs?

Mr. Moony believes that Mr. Prongs' "slowness" is due to the fact that Miss Evans just passed by his desk.

As fascinating as Kelly Morgan's opinion of us must be, Mr. Prongs would like to return to the original topic of conversation.

Mr. Wormtail can't remember what the original topic of conversation was.

Mr. Moony believes that Mr. Padfoot was about to tell everyone who his hot date is.

Mr. Padfoot had thought he had managed to get out of that.

In your dreams, Padfoot.

Yes, Prongs. She's in my dreams. Vividly.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to stop now before he says something to scar Mr. Moony for life yet again.

Mr. Padfoot would never—

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Padfoot of the other night and what he found whilepatrolling the fourth floor…

Yes! There's the bell! Lunchtime!

You will tell, Padfoot!

Chapter Text

A few minutes later…

Mr. Prongs would like to once more ask nicely who Mr. Padfoot's hot date is. This is the last time he will ask nicely.

Mr. Moony thinks it's ridiculous that Mr. Prongs is passing notes at lunch. We're all even sitting right next to each other.

Be quiet, Moony. This is cool.

Mr. Moony doubts that. He doesn't think Mr. Padfoot knows anything about cool.

Mr. Padfoot is offended. Of course he knows what's cool.

In case Mr. Moony has forgotten, Mr. Prongs would like to remind him that he and Mr. Padfoot are generally considered both the coolest and most attractive blokes in the school.

Mr. Padfoot would like to add that here at Hogwarts, he doesn't need to know anything about cool because he defines "cool".

Mr. Moony gives up.

Mr. Prongs is annoyed that Mr. Padfoot has blatantly ignored his question.

Mr. Padfoot has put Mr. Prongs' question on hold for an indefinite period of time.

Mr. Moony is tired of this. Just tell him.

Mr. Padfoot is rather scared by the level of interest Mr. Prongs is showing in this matter. Sure you're not a girl, Prongs?

Mr. Prongs is very sure.

Then Mr. Padfoot wonders why you are so inquisitive.

Mr. Prongs only wants to know so he can… arrange a deal with her.

Mr. Padfoot is warning Mr. Prongs. If he so much as lays one finger on her…

Mr. Prongs has much too much honor to even think of hurting an innocent girl. He just wants to make a couple of things clear to her.

Mr. Padfoot is now even less willing to tell Mr. Prongs her name.

Mr. Moony is surprised that Mr. Prongs has not yet noticed who this newest girl is. You'd have to be blind not to see it.

Mr. Wormtail has just realized who Mr. Padfoot is dating. Now Mr. Prongs is the only one who doesn't know. Sorry, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs really has no idea. He offers the excuse that Miss Evans is too distracting to allow thought of any other girl.

Mr. Wormtail sees this as a valid excuse. Mr. Prongs finds Miss Evans very distracting last week? That door was just a little bit too solid for him.

Shut up, Wormtail. You too Padfoot.

I didn't even say anything yet!

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Padfoot is so unwilling to tell him her name. It's not like she's going to be around for very long.

Mr. Padfoot believes that this one is different than the others. She's not going anywhere.

Mr. Moony is highly skeptical. He doubts Mr. Padfoot's ability to maintain a long-termrelationship.

Mr. Prongs is willing to have faith in his dear friend Mr. Padfoot. He is willing to bet Mr. Moony five sickles that they'll last more than three weeks.

Mr. Moony finds this deal reasonable. He accepts.

Mr. Prongs again begs Mr. Padfoot to tell him who his girl is.

Mr. Padfoot is still worried for his girl's safety once Mr. Prongs finds out her identity.

Mr. Wormtail is really shocked that Mr. Prongs hasn't figured it out yet.

Mr. Prongs will promise to not harm Mr. Padfoot's girlfriend if he'll tell him.

Mr. Moony really thinks this is a reasonable offer. He urges Mr. Padfoot to accept the offer. But still, he wishes Mr. Prongs to consider carefully if he really wants to know.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is being silly. Of course he wants to know.

Mr. Padfoot reluctantly agrees to Mr. Prongs' offer. But you have to promise first, Prongs. I'm not stupid.

Mr. Moony will not comment on that last sentence.

Mr. Padfoot resents that.

He should. But it doesn't change Mr. Moony's opinion.

I, James Potter, do hereby swear not to lay a finger—or my wand—on Mr. Padfoot's hot date. Marauder's Honor.

Mr. Wormtail bears witness to this oath.

Mr. Moony also bears witness. This oath is binding on the honor of a Marauder. Breaking it will bring down all afore-stated consequences and punishments, to be adjusted at thearbitrary discretion of the other Marauders.

Mr. Prongs thanks Mr. Moony for bothering to actually remember that post-oath speech. He's surprised anyone did.

Mr. Wormtail is equally amazed at Mr. Moony's memory.

All right, Padfoot. Spill.

Mr. Padfoot's hot date is…

Mr. Wormtail adds a written drum roll for effect.

Don't be a dork Wormtail. You're interrupting my announcement.

Sorry.

Ahem. Mr. Padfoot's hot date is Miss Marlene McKinnon.

WHAT?! NO!

Mr. Moony knew this would happen.

Mr. Padfoot does not understand Mr. Prongs' reaction. He thought Mr. Prongs was infatuated with Miss Evans, not Miss McKinnon.

Mr. Prongs assures Mr. Padfoot that he has no interest in Miss McKinnon. At the moment, he is very upset with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why that fact that Miss McKinnon is dating Mr. Padfoot makes Mr. Prongsupset with Mr. Moony .

Mr. Moony believes this is because Mr. Prongs now owes him twenty galleons.

Mr. Prongs wants to call off the bet.

Sorry Prongs, you can't do that. It's already happened. Pay up.

Mr. Prongs resignedly promises to pay Mr. Moony as soon as we get up to the dorm again. All his money is up there.

Mr. Padfoot is torn between amusement and offense that Mr. Prongs and Mr. Moony made bets on him.

Mr. Wormtail inquires as to the exact nature of this bet.

Mr. Prongs and I had a bet that Mr. Padfoot would date Miss McKinnon by the end of sixth year. Prongs thought you wouldn't be able to get her until seventh year.

Truly, Mr. Prongs is surprised that Mr. Padfoot has decided to get a real girlfriend. He thought the maturity for that would take another couple months at least.

Mr. Moony still believes that Mr. Padfoot does not have the maturity for a "real" girlfriend. Miss McKinnon just has way too much faith in her new boyfriend.

Mr. Padfoot is very offended.

Mr. Prongs doesn't care. He lost the bet. But he still must say something to Mr. Padfoot.

What?

I've been friends with Marlene for a long time, Padfoot, since we were children. I also know that she doesn't have any brothers. Therefore, if you hurt her, best friend or not, brother or not, I will punch your face in. Got that?

Mr. Padfoot gets it. Loud and clear.

Good. Oh, and Padfoot?

Yeah?

Congratulations. McKinnon is a good catch.

Mr. Padfoot thanks Mr. Prongs. He knows this and doesn't plan on letting her go anywhere.

Chapter Text

In Defense Against the Dark Arts…

It is days like today that Mr. Moony misses Professor Eberhardt.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony. Anyone is better than this old bat.

Mr. Padfoot is surprised that Mr. Moony didn't anticipate Eberhardt leaving at the end of last year.

Mr. Moony wonders why this is.

Mr. Padfoot is pleased with himself. He knows something Mr. Moony doesn't.

Mr. Moony is rolling his eyes. Just tell us, Padfoot.

No, really. Mr. Padfoot needs to savor this moment. Times like this don't come very often.

Padfoot, quit. Just tell us already.

Fine. It's the DADA teacher curse.

Mr. Moony has no idea what sort of nonsense Mr. Padfoot is spouting off.

Mr. Padfoot is not "spouting nonsense". He is referring to a well-known phenomenon.

Mr. Wormtail is impressed by Mr. Padfoot's use of large words.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to get to the point.

If you hadn't noticed, Moony, we've had a running total of six Defense Against the Dark Arts professors during our time here at Hogwarts—one for each year.

Mr. Moony wonders how this is relevant.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony just needs to be quiet long enough for Mr. Padfoot to finish.

Mr. Padfoot is one of the many students who see this as a sign of the terrible curse on the DADA position.

Mr. Moony is in a good mood this morning and decides to humor Mr. Padfoot. What exactly is the nature of this curse?

Mr. Prongs is amazed by Mr. Moony's ignorance on this subject.

So you know about it too?

Of course.

Mr. Padfoot gently silences his friends so he can explain. The curse upon this position ofprofessor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at this illustrious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry—

Padfoot! Cut the pomp!

What? I'm only imitating you when you start going off on something smart, Moony!

Why you—

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Moony that attacking bewitched parchment will not cause any damage upon Mr. Padfoot's person. It will only make Mr. Moony look dorky.

Dorkier than usual, that is.

Great. Now you've got Wormtail along with you, too. What is this? National Beat Up On Moony Day?

No. Mr. Padfoot regrets to inform Mr. Moony that he has missed National Beat Up On Moony Day. It was two weeks ago.

Mr. Moony wonders what Mr. Padfoot means.

Mr. Padfoot would like to offer yet another definition: "National Beat Up On Moony Day", otherwise known as the day after the full moon, is marked by Mr. Moony attempting to convince himself that his furry little problem makes him a monster unworthy of life or our friendship. This, of course, is complete nonsense.

Mr. Prongs finds the "just swallowed a dictionary" voice strange on anyone who is not Mr. Moony. Especially Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony isn't sure the more Marauder side of him likes how this description portrays him as a dusty oldbookworm.

Mr. Wormtail knows Mr. Moony only thinks this because it's a new moon tonight.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Wormtail has a point. Mr. Moony is always more reckless when he has more energy.

Mr. Moony wishes this lesson would just be over already.

Mr. Padfoot is shocked. He thought Mr. Moony liked Defense Against the Dark Arts.

Mr. Moony only likes DADA when it is taught by a competent professor. Like ProfessorEberhardt.

Ex-Professor Eberhardt.

Thanks for reminding me.

Mr. Prongs feels complete because this conversation has come full circle.

Mr. Padfoot rolls his eyes at Mr. Prongs' ridiculousness.

This discussion has not made Mr. Moony feel any better about this idiotic ignoramus who calls himself our "professor". One would think he'd realize he's teaching a class of sixth years, not third years.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't mind. Third year work is now easy and therefore doesn't take much of Mr. Padfoot's effort to complete.

Mr. Moony of course knows all the wonderful things Mr. Padfoot actually puts effort into.

That you do, Moony.

Padfoot, that smirk is disturbing. Put it away before I hex you.

Mr. Prongs agrees. Mr. Padfoot's smirks make him very, very scared.

Mr. Wormtail is glad that he sits behind Mr. Padfoot and cannot—oh. No, I didn't want to seethat either.

Mr. Padfoot is rather proud of his own ability to "postpone" schoolwork. After all, what's the point in slaving over schoolwork when there are so many better things he could be doing with his time?

Mr. Prongs echoes and agrees with Mr. Padfoot's sentiments. Partially.

Mr. Moony agrees that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs likely have different definitions of "better things to do".

Mr. Wormtail seconds this opinion. Mr. Padfoot likes to snog random girls and Mr. Prongs likesto stalk Lily Evans.

Mr. Moony wasn't going to phrase it quite like that, but yes, Mr. Wormtail has the basic idea.

Mr. Prongs objects. He does not stalk Miss Evans.

Mr. Padfoot believes Mr. Prongs is both delusional and, well, rather blind in this area.

Mr. Moony questions whether Mr. Prongs actually knows the meaning of the term "stalk".

Mr. Prongs knows what stalking is. It's creepy and he doesn't do it. Not to Miss Evans. Not to anyone.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it would be awfully rude to dear Lily-flower if Mr. Prongs were to stalkanother girl behind her back. He doesn't think she would appreciate a non-exclusiverelationship.

We don't have a relationship. That's the point, Padfoot.

Mr. Moony would like to point out to Mr. Prongs that following her around under the Cloak andwatching her on the Map for hours on end counts as stalking.

I'm not stalking her! I'm making sure she's okay.

Mr. Wormtail wonders what danger Miss Evans might be in that she can't get out of on her all, this is Hogwarts.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail. Miss Evans is also not the sort of girl who would take kindly to being rescued—especially if it was Mr. Prongs who decided to play knight in shining armor.

Mr. Prongs has had enough of this conversation. He's not stalking Miss Evans. End of discussion.

Mr. Moony wonders if he needs to ask Miss Evans if she would consider this stalking.

Mr. Prongs would rather that Mr. Moony not. He doesn't know if he would survive the subsequent encounter intact.

Exactly.

Chapter Text

In Potions…

Mr. Padfoot now calls to order the 349th biweekly meeting of the Marauders. All Messrs present, please say "aye". Aye.

Aye.

Aye.

Mr. Moony wonders why we're having this meeting in the middle of Potions of all places.

Mr. Padfoot recognizes Mr. Prongs and Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Moony wishes to be recognized.

Mr. Padfoot is irked by a small buzzing in his "ear". He hopes said buzzing (cough—Mr. Moony) will go away if he tells it that Messrs can only be recognized if they have said "aye".

Fine. Aye.

Mr. Padfoot is pleased to report full attendance at this illustrious meeting.

Mr. Wormtail would like to echo Mr. Moony's query about the location of this meeting.

Mr. Padfoot had thought that would be obvious.

Obviously not.

Quiet Prongs. We're meeting here for security reasons. If we meet in the same place all the time, someone will find us.

Mr. Moony wonders who is looking.

Mr. Prongs begs Mr. Moony not to be silly. Hogwarts is full of pranksters just dying to know our secrets.

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs that no one else can get into theGryffindor boys' dormitory.

Mr. Prongs objects. This is not true. Any Gryffindor can get into our dorm. Nothing is private.

Well, Potions class is certainly less private than our dorm.

Mr. Prongs wonders if there is actually a purpose to this meeting.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if there is actually a purpose to any of our meetings.

Mr. Prongs thinks that now it is Mr. Wormtail who is being silly. All of our meetings have good outcomes.

Yes! None of our great works of mischief would have happened without our meetings.

Mr. Moony would like to remind everyone that we rarely start meetings with the objective of planning a prank. Such things usually happen because we have nothing else to discuss.

Except for Moony's desperate need for a girlfriend.

Shut up.

To answer Mr. Prongs' question, Mr. Padfoot called this meeting to order now so that he doesn't have to hold it tonight in the dorm.

Going to meet Marlene?

Yeah.

Mr. Moony is surprised Mr. Padfoot and Miss McKinnon are still together.

Mr. Padfoot resents that.

Mr. Prongs is a bit worried that this meeting is too public.

Mr. Padfoot points out that everyone else is busy with their work and paying no attention to us.

Mr. Wormtail has found an exception to this: Mr. Greasy-in-the-Back is staring at us again.

Mr. Moony begs his friends not to do anything stupid to Mr. Snape.

Mr. Padfoot promises not to do anything stupid. Funny? Yes. Stupid? No.

Mr. Moony is skeptical. Most things Mr. Padfoot does to be funny don't end well. He is nervous about collateral damage on innocent bystanders.

Then Mr. Moony has nothing to worry about for he is neither innocent nor a bystander.

Mr. Moony resents that.

Mr. Prongs suggests that they distract Snivellus from watching them.

Mr. Prongs has read Mr. Padfoot's mind.

Mr. Moony refuses to take part in torturing Mr. Snape.

Snivellus, Moony.

Mr. Moony is a prefect. He will not take part in childish name-calling nor the torturing ofanother student.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Moony doesn't just stop Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony has tried that method in the past. It doesn't work. Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are law unto themselves.

Mr. Padfoot agrees with Mr. Moony's assessment. Mischief stops for no man.

Mr. Moony is appalled by Mr. Padfoot's slaughter of a perfectly good quote.

Mr. Prongs recognizes that this argument is going nowhere. If we don't get started, the bell will ring before Snivellus even notices what we've done to him.

Mr. Padfoot relents. Mr. Prongs is correct.

Mr. Prongs has an idea.

Mr. Wormtail wishes Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs would share with the group instead ofwhispering amongst themselves.

Yes. Mr. Moony would like to know whether or not he should take cover while he still can.

Mr. Prongs sees no reason for anyone to take cover.

Except Mr. Snape.

Not even him.

Oh?

Mr. Padfoot accepts Mr. Prongs' brill idea.

Mr. Wormtail wishes they would get on with actually telling him the plan.

Mr. Prongs suggests that we use a simple Color Change Charm on dear old Snivellus' potion a few seconds after he adds an ingredient.

Mr. Moony suspects unforeseen consequences to this.

Mr. Padfoot is confident. Snivellus won't suspect anything.

Mr. Moony just wishes for Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs to be careful and cautious. Remember, Potions is Mr. Snape's best subject.

Mr. Wormtail also begs Mr. Moony to stop being such a worrywart.

[Five minutes later.]

Mr. Prongs thinks that was brilliant. Did you see his face?

Mr. Padfoot is grateful for his superior acting skills. He wants to be dying of laughter on the floor right now instead of standing serenely next to his cauldron.

Mr. Moony maintains that that stunt was cruel.

Mr. Wormtail congratulates Mr. Prongs and Mr. Padfoot on another success.

[On his way past, Snape runs into James, almost knocking him over.]

Mr. Padfoot is amused by Mr. Snape's clumsiness.

Mr. Prongs is not so amused. Now he's all covered in Snivellus grease.

Mr. Moony has… ah, forgotten to get enough… um, toad liver.

[Remus hurries across the room to the supply cabinet.]

Mr. Wormtail is confused. Mr. Moony just went to get more toad liver five minutes ago. We have more than enough sitting right here.

[James' cauldron explodes, covering James, Sirius, and Peter in unfinished Hair Raising Potion. Professor Slughorn assigns James an essay and everyone else goes back to work.]

Mr. Prongs is quite cross with Mr. Moony.

What?

NOOOOOOO! MY HAIR!

Mr. Moony is amused by the effects of Mr. Prongs' half-finished potion on him and Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Padfoot is only improved with bleach-blond hair.

Mr. Padfoot is horrified. What will he tell Marlene? Will she even still love him without his silky black locks?

Just think, Padfoot. Now you'll fit in perfectly with your dear cousin Narcissa. You too Prongs.

Mr. Wormtail is glad his hair was already blond.

Shut up Wormtail. This is tragic.

Mr. Prongs sends accusatory glares in Mr. Moony's general direction.

Mr. Moony wonders why Mr. Prongs is cross with him.

You knew that was going to happen.

What?

You knew the cauldron was about to explode. That's why you came up with some lame excuse to go get more toad liver when you have enough right here.

Mr. Moony pleads the right to remain silent.

Mr. Padfoot is puzzled as to why Mr. Prongs' potion exploded at all. Mr. Prongs is usually very good at Potions.

Yes, Mr. Prongs also wonders what happened. What do you think Moony? You're usually good at this sort of thing.

Yeah, Prongs is right. How did you know it was going to explode, Moony?

Ginger petals.

What?

When Snape bumped into Prongs, he was only doing that to cover it up. He dropped a handful of ginger petals into Prongs' cauldron. The python venom we were using earlier reacts violently with the petals if not countered by the toad liver. He must have known you hadn't added that yet, Prongs.

Snivellus! That greasy snake!

We've always known Snivellus was brilliant at Potions.

And you can't say I didn't warn you.

Mr. Padfoot believes there is only one way to deal with this: revenge.

And here we go again.

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Wormtail wonders if we have any plans for the End of Term Feast. It's only a couple weeks away now.

Mr. Padfoot thought our plans would be obvious: we're going to go to the feast and eat food until we can eat no more.

Mr. Moony would like to forewarn Mr. Padfoot of the dire consequences he will face if he once again gorges himself and then pukes all over the dorm room. Mr. Moony set up some clever curses preventing this last time.

Mr. Prongs wonders what "dire consequences" Mr. Moony is referring to and if he should be scared.

Mr. Prongs shouldn't have anything to worry about as long as he doesn't overeat and proceed to puke everywhere.

Mr. Padfoot is scared.

He should be.

Mr. Wormtail would like to clarify: he was inquiring about whether we have a prank planned to finish off the year.

Oh.

Nice, Padfoot. Nice.

Mr. Prongs is actually rather shocked we haven't started working on a prank yet. He thanks Mr. Wormtail for reminding us.

Mr. Padfoot blames N.E.W.T.s as the reason we haven't started yet. This year is much more difficult that he expected.

Mr. Moony wonders if this year would be easier for Mr. Padfoot if he actually paid attention in classes instead of passing notes and doodling inappropriate things in the margins of his textbooks.

Mr. Padfoot wonders how Mr. Moony knows about those.

Padfoot, I sit right next to you in most classes.

Mr. Padfoot wishes he sat next to Mr. Prongs. Mr. Prongs would doodle with him.

Mr. Wormtail wishes to remind Mr. Padfoot that Mr. Prongs' margins are filled with drawings of lilies. Or at least, what are supposed to be lilies.

Mr. Prongs is rather proud of his doodles. He does miss his art partner though. PADFOOT COME BACK TO ME!

Hence the reason that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are not allowed to sit close together in most of our classes. The Professors aren't stupid.

Mr. Padfoot considers this ruling totally unfair.

Mr. Moony isn't sure if he should be offended that Mr. Padfoot doesn't want to sit with him.

He shouldn't be.

Mr. Wormtail would like to get back to the topic of pranks for the feast.

Right, pranks. So, what are we doing?

Mr. Prongs has a few ideas, but we'll have to move quickly.

Mr. Padfoot is interested.

Mr. Prongs would like to wait until we're in official meeting to discuss his ideas. We wouldn't want to be overheard…

Mr. Moony would like to remind his fellow Marauders of two things: first, the Feast will be shortly following a full moon, so he will not be at full capacity to help out.

Mr. Padfoot realizes this is a good point. Mr. Moony will need to check over our plans thoroughly before he is ill. He has a good eye for forgotten details.

Mr. Moony's second point is that this is the end of sixth year.

We know that, Moony.

Patience is a virtue, Prongs.

Yeah. "Good things come to those who wait" and all that. (a.k.a. good food takes longer to cook!)

Quiet Padfoot, Moony's trying to talk.

Mr. Wormtail found Mr. Padfoot's comment amusing.

You too, Wormtail.

Mr. Moony's second point is that next year—our last year—should have the biggest and the best. Therefore we can''t outdo next year this year.

Mr. Prongs believes Mr. Moony to be the epitome of wisdom and foresight.

Mr. Padfoot agrees and proposes that we have a meeting tonight at midnight in the passageway behind the mirror on the fourth floor.

Mr. Wormtail wishes to inquire upon the necessity of such a meeting. We're the only ones in our dorm. There's no reason to risk a trek all the way down in the middle of the night just tohave a meeting in a cold, drafty passageway rather than our warm beds.

Mr. Moony agrees with Mr. Wormtail.

Come on guys! Where's your sense of adventure?

Mr. Moony's sense of adventure does not allow for unnecessary risks.

Fine. Meeting tonight. Five minutes after midnight. Sixth year boys' dorm. Gryffindor tower. You guys are boring.

We try Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs totally thinks the words "boring" and "creators of awesome pranks"" can't be used to describe the same people.

Mr. Padfoot feels alone, unwanted, and adventurous.

Too bad, Padfoot. We're not leaving the dorm.

You stink, Moony.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why we're having the meeting at five minutes after midnight and not at midnight.

Mr. Padfoot would prefer not to say. Let's just leave it at this: Mr. Padfoot won't be able to return to the dorm by midnight.

Mr. Moony is worried. He's not sure he wants to know why this is.

Mr. Prongs just asks Mr. Padfoot outright. We might as well know beforehand.

Mr. Padfoot has a prior engagement behind the aforementioned mirror on the fourth floor.

Mr. Moony wonders whether this prior engagement happens to involved Miss McKinnon.

Mr. Padfoot admits that it does.

Mr. Prongs is glad that we are not meeting in ridiculous places simply to satisfy Mr. Padfoot's laziness. You had better run back fast to be in the dorm in time for the meeting Padfoot or else we'll start without you.

What? You wouldn't wait for me?

Nope.

Now you stink even more, Moony.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Padfoot once again begs for Mr. Moony's forgiveness.

Mr. Moony has made his point several times. One would think Mr. Padfoot would have listened by now.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is being over-sensitive.

Mr. Wormtail has no idea what's going on.

Mr. Padfoot isn't sure what's happening either. But Mr. Moony seems to be mad at him, so he's apologizing profusely.

Mr. Prongs questions Mr. Padfoot's wisdom in saying that aloud. He doesn't think Mr. Moony will appreciate it.

Mr. Moony certainly doesn't appreciate it. Mr. Padfoot knows exactly what he did.

Mr. Padfoot insists that he has no idea.

Mr. Wormtail has no idea either and really hates being out of the loop.

Mr. Prongs isn't sure what Mr. Padfoot did, but he doesn't think it could have been something bad enough to warrant this sort of reaction.

Mr. Moony is upset because Mr. Padfoot has no respect for other people's study habits.

Mr. Padfoot would like to know what that has to do with anything at all.

Mr. Moony had thought he made it clear: he wishes to use the dorm room to study in theevenings.

So…?

Mr. Moony doesn't appreciate a lot of noise while he's trying to study.

Oh. Mr. Padfoot doesn't remember making noise. But if there was some, he admits he was probably behind it.

Mr. Prongs has changed his opinion. Mr. Moony is perfectly justified in his anger at Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Moony remembers that we're taking N.E.W.T.s next year, not thisyear.

Of course Mr. Moony knows that. But it doesn't make exams unimportant.

Mr. Prongs would beg to differ…

Mr. Padfoot is still unsure what exactly he did to bother Mr. Moony so much.

Mr. Moony doesn't believe that.

Mr. Prongs is also unsure. Usually anything involving a great deal of noise in the dorm involves him as well as Mr. Padfoot. They usually are partners in obnoxious noise-making.

Mr. Moony sincerely hopes Mr. Prongs is never involved in this particular sort of noise with Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail finds that very disturbing.

Mr. Prongs doesn't understand—OH.

Mr. Padfoot is still in the dark. He really has no idea what he did.

Mr. Prongs speculates that Mr. Padfoot was rather distracted at the time. It is likely he never even noticed that Mr. Moony was there to be annoyed with him.

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Padfoot remember last night in chronological order and maybe he will stumble upon his mistake.

Mr. Padfoot isn't sure why—

Just do it, Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot shall now recount all his activities of yesterday evening.

Oh, joy. Mr. Wormtail is just ecstatic with anticipation.

Mr. Prongs is amazed. Mr. Wormtail just successfully used sarcasm.

Mr. Moony is quickly growing weary of the commentaries and interruptions from the peanut gallery.

Mr. Prongs wonders what a peanut gallery is.

Mr. Moony's patience is thinning.

It's a muggle phrase. A peanut gallery is the spectators who make unwanted comments on theactual conversation.

Oh. Mr. Prongs is happy to take his place as a member of this illustrious peanut gallery.

Mr. Padfoot salutes the peanut gallery before returning to his testimony.

Mr. Wormtail finds purebloods amusing. They really just don't get it.

Mr. Moony reminds Mr. Padfoot to get back on topic. He's waiting for Mr. Padfoot to finally realize what he did.

So, last night began when Mr. Padfoot left Defense Against the Dark Arts. He went down to dinner in the company of these most excellent Marauders—

Why thank you. We are most excellent indeed.

Silence in the peanut gallery.

Following dinner—where he ate a great number of delicious things—

Mr. Wormtail recalls that one chocolate pudding thing…

The one with the brownies and pretzel pieces and whipped cream? Heavenly…

Mr. Prongs is getting hungry just thinking about it.

We'll cover some with peanuts and send them up. Then maybe you two will be quiet.

Following dinner, Mr. Padfoot played several games of Exploding Snap with Mr. Prongs before the two of them left for Quidditch practice.

Mr. Prongs maintains that making grass clods explode in his face during practice is not fair payback for beating you at Exploding Snap.

Prongs…

After Quidditch practice, Mr. Padfoot showered and returned to the castle. On his way up to Gryffindor tower, he met his lovely girlfriend, Miss Marlene McKinnon. They—

Mr. Wormtail requests that Mr. Padfoot seriously censor this next part.

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to hear it either.

Mr. Moony agrees. Padfoot, you were snogging. We get it. Please continue.

Mr. Padfoot and Miss McKinnon eventually made their way up to Gryffindor tower. They sat with Mr. Prongs and Mr. Wormtail, but were soon asked to leave for no discernible reason.

Mr. Wormtail apologizes that he doesn't wish to watch Mr. Padfoot snog Miss McKinnon whilehe's trying to beat Mr. Prongs at wizards' chess.

Mr. Moony asks Mr. Padfoot to continue.

After he and his girlfriend were asked to leave, Mr. Padfoot took her up to—oh.

Right. "Oh."

Mr. Padfoot wonders why he didn't notice Mr. Moony was already in the dorm.

Mr. Moony slipped out while Mr. Padfoot was distracted.

Mr. Prongs now agrees: Mr. Moony is completely justified in his anger at Mr. Padfoot. No one likes to see you snog Marlene. It's rather revolting actually.

You wouldn't be saying that if it was you and Evans.

True.

Mr. Padfoot begs for Mr. Moony's forgiveness. He was caught up in—

We don't want to know what was going through your head at that moment, Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot will make sure it doesn't happen again. At least, not until exams are over. Then Mr. Moony can stop stressing and being a dorm hermit.

Mr. Moony is not amused by the description of "dorm hermit". Maybe Mr. Padfoot would benefit from studying some himself. He wouldn't want to be stuck in school an extra year after Miss McKinnon graduates without him.

Mr. Padfoot offers his apologies in hopes that Mr. Moony will eventually forgive him.

Mr. Moony will hold Mr. Padfoot to his promise of not doing this again. Now, he really must pay attention.

Chapter Text

On the train home…

Mr. Padfoot is sad. He misses his friends and fellow Marauders.

Mr. Prongs shares Mr. Padfoot's sadness. Anything to not be stuck in this compartment with the stupid Hufflepuff Quidditch team.

Mr. Wormtail isn't any happier. He got stuck with the sixth year Gryffindor girls. All of whom are studiously ignoring him.

Mr. Padfoot wishes he and Mr. Wormtail could switch compartments. Or rather, just companions.

Mr. Wormtail wouldn't be opposed to that. Mr. Padfoot has always been much better aroundgirls than him.

What about you Moony?

…

Moony? Are you even there?

…

Guys, I think Mr. Moony must have gotten the lucky compartment.

Mr. Wormtail recalls that Mr. Moony, as prefect, was put with the fourth year Ravenclaw girls.

Mr. Padfoot is impressed. He supposes Mr. Moony is just too busy snogging all of them to talk with us.

I AM NOT.

There you are, Moony. We were beginning to think you didn't love us anymore.

Mr. Moony can't believe Mr. Padfoot just said that. They're fourth years.

Mr. Padfoot is shameless (in more ways than one). He doesn't see any problem with fourth years. Some of the girls in your compartment are pretty good snoggers, actually. You should try it out, Moony.

Mr. Moony is disgusted. Both at Mr. Padfoot's taste in girls and his method of getting myattention.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't care. It worked, didn't it?

To my extreme displeasure.

Mr. Prongs suggests that Mr. Padfoot not mention his "history" with the Ravenclaw fourth years around his girlfriend.

Mr. Wormtail agrees. Marlene McKinnon is one scary girl.

She is not.

Mr. Wormtail begs Mr. Padfoot to remember last week.

Huh?

Mr. Wormtail is referring to the time that one seventh year was flirting with you. She nearlykilled everyone within ten feet.

Oh yeah.

Mr. Wormtail's point is made. Miss McKinnon is scary.

On that thought, Mr. Padfoot has no intention of telling Marlene about any of his history with anybody. And for the record, I was making it quite clear to Amy that I had no interest in her whatsoever.

Mr. Prongs is suspicious of that fact that Mr. Padfoot remembers her name.

Mr. Padfoot only remembers because she's stalked him ever since he snogged her at Christmas fifth year. She's kinda hard to ignore. And no, Mr. Padfoot doesn''t plan on tellingMarlene that he snogged her either. Or that he snogged anyone else.

So, you're pretty much going to keep your entire life from her?

Mr. Padfoot is rather offended. It's not his entire life.

He shouldn't be offended. Mr. Wormtail has a point.

Mr. Prongs wonders what Mr. Moony was so occupied doing if he wasn't snogging fourth years.

Mr. Moony was reading.

Mr. Padfoot is horrified. We just got out of school and you're studying ?

Mr. Moony is not studying. He's reading.

Like reading a novel?

Yes.

For fun?

Yes.

Mr. Padfoot is disgusted. Why does Mr. Moony choose to inflict such torture upon himself?

Mr. Wormtail doesn't know. He doesn't get Mr. Moony either.

Mr. Prongs is not so horrified. There are some good books out there.

Mr. Padfoot feels forsaken and betrayed by his best mate.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot is being ridiculous. There's nothing wrong with most books. School books are still the most mind-numbing torture devices ever. But novels are good.

Mr. Padfoot grudgingly agrees to take Mr. Prongs' word for it.

Mr. Wormtail inquires what Mr. Moony is reading that is so much more interesting than us.

Mr. Moony is trying to read A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it sounds boring.

Mr. Prongs knows that Mr. Padfoot finds everything boring.

Everything that's not Quidditch. Or girls. Rather, Marlene.

True.

Mr. Moony objects to this assessment. It's a very good book.

Mr. Padfoot doubts it.

No, it's a very good book. Especially for you, Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot still doubts it.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Moony thinks this book would be right for Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot's interest is caught just a bit.

Do tell, Moony. Why would Padfoot enjoy this book?

It has everything: a drunk, a crazy old man, a sweet girl, a handsome charmer, a revolution, an unjust imprisonment, a wine shop, a mystery, a love triangle, a sacrifice, a noble man, a doctor, a banker. And all in Dickens' excellent prose.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if we should just find this Dickens guy and let Mr. Moony snog him.

Mr. Moony doesn't want to snog Dickens. He's an old dead guy.

So you don't want to snog him because he's a guy or 'cause he's dead?

Both. Mr. Moony doesn't snog guys. And he doesn't snog dead people.

He doesn't snog fourth year Ravenclaws either.

Nice one Prongs.

Thanks. Kinda proud of it.

Mr. Moony wonders if his reading was disrupted for a good reason or if you all were just bored and wanted to make fun of me.

Both.

Thanks, Padfoot.

Chapter Text

Previously...

The four Marauders are on the Hogwarts Express on their way home from sixth year. They are in separate compartments as punishment for their prank at the End of Term Feast. Mr. Prongs is in a compartment by himself, Mr. Padfoot is with the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, Mr. Wormtail is with the sixth year Gyrffindor girls, and Mr. Moony is with the fourth year Ravenclaw girls.

Mr. Padfoot accused Mr. Moony of snogging the girls in his compartment to get his attention. It turns out that Mr. Moony was actually reading A Tale of Two Cities. Mr. Padfoot admitted to having snogged several of the girls in Mr. Moony's compartment and suggested that Mr. Moony try it. Mr. Moony explained why Mr. Padfoot would enjoy A Tale of Two Cities. Mr. Prongs and Mr. Wormtail commented on these events and complained about their own seating arrangements.

Mr. Prongs is very bored. At least the rest of you have other people in your compartments.

Mr. Moony wishes to remind Mr. Prongs that all of this is his own fault. And that goes for the rest of us too.

Mr. Padfoot still thinks Minnie is too smart for her own good. She didn't even have that much evidence that we did it!

Mr. Moony thinks that there was more than enough circumstantial evidence against us. Using the End of Term Feast Prank to get back at Snape was a dead giveaway.

But we couldn't just let him get away with it!

Yeah! He turned my hair blond too!

Mr. Wormtail is again glad to be naturally blond.

Mr. Moony doesn't think it was at all obvious that turning Snape's hair permanently pink was revenge. No way that the professors would figure that one out.

Mr. Prongs is still disappointed. His hair didn't even turn out neon like it was supposed to.

Mr. Wormtail thinks the soft rose-pink was much more hilarious. He looked like a greasywatermelon.

Wormtail, watermelons are pink on the inside, not the outside.

Mr. Wormtail thinks it's perfectly possible the inside of Mr. Snape's head is that color too.

Mr. Prongs doesn't really want to think about it.

Mr. Padfoot, however, is very proud of the prank as a whole and would like to congratulate his fellow Marauders on our glorious success.

Mr. Wormtail hopes that the Professors don't do anything terrible to all those guinea pigs.

Relax, Wormtail. They're not going to hurt the guinea pigs. They'll probably just transfigure them back.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that transfiguring them back would be cruel.

Because being a smelly rodent is so much better of an existence than being a water goblet.

Mr. Wormtail takes offense to the rodent remark.

My apologies, Wormtail.

Mr. Wormtail still thinks that the ability to move around has to be better than being aninanimate and stationary object.

Yes, "stationary" is typically what "inanimate"" means, Wormtail. Good job.

Shut up.

Mr. Moony thinks this argument is pointless. Transfiguration doesn't last forever. They'veprobably all turned back by now anyway.

Mr. Prongs immensely enjoyed the looks on everyone's faces when they reached for their water goblets.

Only to have them turn into guinea pigs!

Mr. Wormtail is still amazed by that piece of magic. It's very impressive. He's still doesn'tunderstand how Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs did it.

Come on, Wormy. We've only explained it to you a dozen times. And you were sitting there while we did it!

Mr. Moony also thinks it was rather obvious that we were the ones behind it because ours were the only glasses that didn't change.

Mr. Prongs concedes that we might not have thought that through.

Mr. Moony is glad that the Marauders do not usually plan pranks directly after full moon. It is evident that they need his help.

Mr. Prongs points out that they couldn't just skip the End of Term prank because of the full moon.

Yeah, it would have been a dead giveaway for Moony's furry little problem.

Mr. Moony doesn't think anyone who doesn't already know would put two and two together.

Mr. Prongs supposes Mr. Moony is right.

Of course he is. He's Moony.

Mr. Moony is quite eager to return to his book. Do we have anything that we desperately need to discuss?

Mr. Wormtail doesn't think so.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees. We still need to convince Moony that he doesn't need to hide the truth from us.

Mr. Moony has no idea what Mr. Padfoot is talking about.

It's okay, Moony. We know you're snogging those fourth years. No need to be bashful.

Mr. Moony has had quite enough of this. He's going to return to his book and Mr. SydneyCarton. Unlike Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Carton's immorality is tragic and not being forced upon Mr. Moony's reputation.

Ouch.

No kidding.

Good-bye. I'm going to read now. I'll see you at the station.

FAREWELL MOONY! WE'LL MISS YOU!

Oh, and Padfoot? Please desist from all messed up and perverted ways of getting my attention.

Dang it, Moony. You take all the fun out of life.

Mr. Prongs really wishes he had someone to play Exploding Snap with. His hand is starting to cramp from all this writing.

Mr. Padfoot is now actually glad he's not in a compartment with Mr. Prongs. He does not enjoy playing Exploding Snap with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs thinks it's rather unfair to judge a game on your inability to win it.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it's perfectly reasonable.

Mr. Wormtail wishes he was in another compartment too. He's really not happy with this groupof girls.

Mr. Prongs wonders what Miss Evans is doing. She is in your compartment, right?

Mr. Wormtail confirms that Miss Evans is in his compartment. But no, you can't talk to her. She'ssleeping.

Mr. Prongs is disappointed.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Miss Marlene McKinnon is also in Mr. Wormtail's compartment.

Mr. Wormtail again confirms her presence.

Mr. Padfoot asks Mr. Wormtail to relay the following message: "Marlene. You are brighter than the stars. Would you be so kind as to bring light to my lonely existence? I await you in the last compartment in the third car. Yours truly, Sirius."

[A minute later.]

Mr. Wormtail has relayed the message with a good deal of paraphrasing. She's on her way.

Farewell friends and comrades. My lovely lady awaits me.

Mr. Wormtail is going to follow the example of the girls in his compartment and take a nap. Seeyou at the station, Prongs.

Yeah. See you, Wormtail.

…

…

…

Alone. This isn't so bad. I got rhythm…I got music… ? Never mind. This stinks. Dang it guys.

Chapter Text

Dearest Lily-Flower,

Words can barely describe how much I love you. Each moment that has passed since I last saw you has been empty. You are the light of my very existence. It is from this love for you that I have taken it upon myself to venture into the lofty realms of poetry to express my feelings:

Your hair is sweeter than roses

At your smile my mind decomposes

To you my heart proposes

That you and I go on a date-ses

Please Lily?

Yours with love,

James

Dear Moony,

Save me! I'm sooooo bored. All Prongs does is write to Evans. Every letter takes him hours to complete and he insists on having me listen to every single draft. It's horrible. Want a house guest?

-Padfoot

My Beauteous Miss Evans,

These few weeks of summer have been only pain for me. I cannot go on if I cannot catch even a glimpse of you. I only hope that you return even a fraction of my feelings and longing for you. We're meant to be together, Lily. I know it. Please accept my offer for a date. It will be worth it. I promise.

Love,

James

Padfoot,

No, I do not want a house guest. I have a job this summer and certainly don't care to babysit you. As for Lily, she has my greatest sympathies.

-Moony

Sirius,

Please tell your pathetic and idiotic excuse for a best friend to stop writing to me. No, I will not go out with him. Sending me several letters a day will not change my mind.

Sincerely,

Lily Evans

P.S. Tell him also that he should never become a poet. I don't think I've ever read anything more horrendous.

Dear Mr. Moony,

Mr. Prongs is overjoyed at Miss Evans' response to his letters. True, it was mistakenly addressed to Mr. Padfoot, but Mr. Prongs cannot be more elated. He has enclosed a copy for Mr. Moony's perusal.

-Mr. Prongs

Moony,

We have trouble. By now you have no doubt received Prongs' letter. There is something seriously wrong with him. See what you've left me with?

-Padfoot

P.S. He's carrying her letter around and practically drooling on it constantly. It's revolting. If I ever do anything like this, please hex me.

Lily,

I never got the chance to thank you for covering prefect rounds for me. It was a huge help. Thank you.

How's your summer going? I've got a part time job at Flourish and Blotts for now, so I'm keeping pretty busy. Have you had the chance to look at our Arithmancy work yet? It looks challenging.

-Remus

P.S. I'm sorry James is being such a jerk. I'll tell him to knock it off next time I see him, but I can't promise it will do any good. You have my sympathy.

Lily, my life, my love,

My friends mock and condemn me for my devotion to you. But they simply do not understand how much you mean to me. I would give you the world if only I could. Please, accept my offers. Just one date! I promise if you give me one date, then you will be begging for the second instead. Do not reject me, Lily. I love you.

James

Padfoot,

Don't you have anyone else to write to? I'm very busy here. I agree that Prongs has serious issues as far as Miss Evans is concerned, but there's nothing we can do. Please direct future letters to Wormtail or your girlfriend. Speaking of which, why don't you just have her over if Prongs is ignoring you?

-Moony

Remus,

Thanks for your letter. It's nice to actually write to a sane person. Unlike some certain friends of yours.

You're welcome for the prefect cover. I'm happy to help out anytime. If anyone deserves it, you do. I'm so happy you have a job. Hopefully things will go as smoothly next summer as well. I hope your condition doesn't cause any troubles either.

My summer has been decent so far. Petunia is off with her boyfriend most days, so I don't see much of her—a relief for sure. Mostly I'm just trying to keep busy with summer homework and catch up on my reading. Oh, and dream up creative ways to murder your best friend. Really, no hard feelings.

-Lily

Moony,

I'd like to ask once more if you'd take me in. Or at least try to be the voice of reason to our deluded friend. Please. I'm begging you. This is painful to watch.

Desperately,

Padfoot

Padfoot,

Fine. I'll try to talk to him. We're still meeting for dinner on Friday, right? I'll say something then. Please try not to let him do anything too drastic in the meantime, will you? I don't want to be included in Lily's wrath.

-Moony

SIRIUS BLACK YOU TELL YOUR FRIEND TO STOP WRITING ME OR I'M GOING TO SEND BOTH OF YOU HEXED LETTERS. YOUR FACES WILL BE ETERNALLY DISFIGURED.

Yours,

Lily Evans

Chapter Text

Moony,

I would recommend that you avoid my house at all costs for the next week or so. The danger associated with being here has just skyrocketed. Take my word for it. You’ll find out why as soon as you get Padfoot’s owl.

-Prongs

MOONY

You absolutely must come over immediately. I have something to show you!

-Padfoot

Marlene!!!!

Please come over and see my new… well, you’ll see it when you get here. Seriously, this is the best thing ever!

Love,

Sirius

Wormtail,

You absolutely must come see what I just got!

-Padfoot

Padfoot,

I’m not really sure I have time to come over any time before the next full moon. I’m very busy with work. Please just tell me. Or send a picture. Under no circumstances are you to show up at my house. I’m not kidding when I say I don’t have time. I’ve already been hanging out with you guys every spare second I have.

-Moony

Padfoot,

I’m sorry I can’t come. You may have forgotten that I’m currently with my mother in France. I look forward to seeing you once school starts though!

-Wormtail

Lily,

I yet again offer my apologies for my friends. I have been much too busy with my job to rein them in this summer. I hope they aren’t doing anything more than just writing letters though. Trust me, it could get much worse.

I have hope that my “condition” as you put it will not cause any complications with my job now or in the future, but I know it is likely that it will. That’s partly why I’ve been so busy. I might as well take advantage of the income I have. I’d like to think I wouldn’t need these savings desperately, but I also know what is practical.

I’m sorry your sister is as horrible as ever. I wish I had time to come see you. Maybe you could see Marlene sometime? She and Sirius can’t be attached at the lips all the time. Especially if he’s finding time to annoy you.

-Remus

Marlene,

I’m so glad you’re back! I’ve had no one to talk to all summer. Except Remus, but he’s too busy to hang out. Petunia is doing her best to ignore me—which I suppose I’m not too upset about what with how she’s been acting lately. The only other person I’ve written to has been your idiot boyfriend in an attempt to get his idiot best friend to stop writing to me. It’s been several times a day. And his letters… he thinks he’s being romantic, but it’s actually quite terrifying.

How was your trip? I hope it went well. If you have a free day, we should meet up somewhere. Maybe in Diagon Alley? Just tell me when you’re free and not busy with that boyfriend of yours. (You know I don’t mind you’re dating him, it’s just that he can be so annoying at times!)

-Lily

Moony,

Fine, fine. I’ll tell you.

I GOT MYSELF A MOTORBIKE.

It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. It’s sleek and black and shiny and my parents would have a conniption if they saw it. You would not believe how awesome it is to drive. It goes so fast. (Please don’t mention anything to Mrs. Potter about her hedge. It was an accident. I swear.)

Oh, and Prongs and I are trying to enchant it so it will fly. The spell work is a little tricky but we’re getting close. It hovers now. We just have to find a way to steer in three dimensions.

You can ride it at full moon (before you transform, of course).

-Padfoot

Dear Marlene,

I regret to inform you that you have been replaced. Please let me convey my condolences. For the record, I always liked you better than this hunk of metal your “boyfriend” is in love with. (But still, the bike is pretty sweet.)

-James

Padfoot,

I’m glad you’re so happy. And yes, your parents would be furious. Why don’t you show up on their doorstep with it to say hello? And take James with you to get pictures of their faces.

One question: do you actually have a license to drive that thing? What happens if the muggle police pull you over?

-Moony

James,

Thanks for your concern, but I must say, having ridden Sirius’ motorbike, I might be even more in love with it than he is. It’s amazing. So thanks, but no thanks.

-Marlene

P.S. I’m glad you like me better than the bike.

Moony,

You need a license? Oh well. I’ll just have to use my charm to get off. Nothing’s happened though. Yet.

Will we see you next week then? You can try it out. We’ve nearly perfected the flying charms!

Padfoot

Moony,

Never mind my last letter. You have to come ride this thing. It’s amazing. We’ll even let you drive! (And with Padfoot’s track record that might be a good thing. The hedge was excusable, the fountain was hideous to begin with, but you’d think he’d be able to avoid the pond. Or at least fly over it.)

-Prongs

Chapter Text

Remus,

It's okay. My death threats seem to have worked. I just had to tell Sirius his face would be permanently disfigured… Anyway, the letters have stopped. And no, I really don't want to know how much worse it could get.

I'm sorry about your work situation and I'm willing to help in any way if you ever need it. Recommendations, going in to shout at prospective employers, anything you need. And I have seen Marlene recently. She was traveling for a bit at the beginning of the summer, but things are definitely looking up since she's returned.

Oh and speaking of things looking up, I was made Head Girl for next year! I don't know who got Head Boy yet. Was it you? You certainly deserve it!

-Lily

Moony,

I know you're going to think I'm kidding you, but I got Head Boy. No kidding. Seriously. I'll take a picture and show you. Padfoot thinks this is a big joke and just Dumbledore's odd sense of humor, but still. I've got the badge!

Any idea who the Head Girl is? Wasn't everyone guessing it would be that Ravenclaw?

-Prongs

Marlene,

James got Head Boy! I can't believe it. It's got to be some cosmic joke or something. Oh well. Are we still on for Friday? Of course you could come over and hang out before then if you''d like…

-Sirius

Remus,

I suppose you've probably already heard from them personally (yes, I know you write to both of them!), but Lily and James are Heads for this year. I'm still not sure how exactly it happened, but let's just say that Dumbledore is either brilliant or mad for this. They're either going to be the best Heads ever or kill each other by the end of week one.

Anyway, I haven't told either Lily or Sirius who the pair is, and I was hoping you'd do the same. I mean, I just kinda have to be there when they see each other on the train. What do you say? Keep it a secret and be ready with cameras? Lily doesn't write to either James or Sirius enough to tell them and she's started just burning their letters because they're so annoying. This could actually work…

Mischievously,

Marlene

Prongs,

That's great! I'm really happy for you. I can't wait to see everyone''s faces when we get to school. They'll be so surprised!

-Moony

Sirius,

That's great. I'm so happy for James! Pass it along for me, will you? See you this Friday! (Or before if I have time.)

-Marlene

Moony,

We'd like to congratulate you on thinking of the best prank ever. Announcing that Prongs is Head Boy is the best start-of-term idea we've ever had. Well done. It's top secret until then! Only the four of us and Marlene know. And she's promised not to tell anyone. Get your camera ready Moony!

-Padfoot and Prongs

Marlene,

It's taken care of. James and Sirius won't tell anyone else about it so word can't get back to Lily. I've convinced them it should be the start-of-term prank. And Lily doesn't write to too many people over the summer, so we're good from that end.

As for me, I think Dumbledore is brilliant. Once the two of them are forced to get over everything and work together, they'll make a really good team. And who knows? Maybe she'll teach James some maturity.

-Remus

Lily,

Congrats on Head Girl! I knew you would get it even if everyone thought it would go to that one Ravenclaw. (I still can't remember her name! It's been years.)

Thanks for offering to help. It means a lot. Hopefully, I won't have to take you up on the offer.

See you in a couple days on the Hogwarts Express!

-Remus

Moony,

I told Wormtail about the prank idea the other day when he was over. Sorry you missed him.

I really wish I knew who the Head Girl was. I guess I'll find out in a few days. See you then!

Prongs

Remus,

I just want to say that we're kinda brilliant together. See you on the Hogwarts Express and get your camera ready!

Your gleeful partner in crime,

Marlene

Remus,

Don't feel bad about not remembering her name. It so long and complicated no one can. I think she's just universally known as "that Ravenclaw Prefect". And thanks for believing in me. I'm so excited! I've wanted this for a long time. I'm sad you didn't get Head Boy though. I hope I don't end up with a complete jerk. I have some really good ideas for this year.

See you in a few days! I'll meet up with you in the Prefect carriage and we can talk before the meeting. Do you want to do patrols together again this year? I mean, I'll have to do a lot with the Head Boy, but there should still be some time for us to hang out.

-Lily

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Prongs can’t believe his friends failed to inform him that the love of his life was made Head Girl.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it was a good idea. The looks on your faces? Priceless.

Mr. Wormtail didn’t know. He considers himself blameless here.

Mr. Moony doesn’t think this looks like a very good beginning to the year.

Mr. Prongs wonders what Mr. Moony is talking about.

Mr. Moony asks his friends to consider what sort of precedent this sets for the rest of the year. It’s only the first lesson and you’re already passing notes!

It’s not like we’re first years, Moony. We’ve done this whole class thing before.

Yeah. Enough times to know it’s booooring.

Mr. Moony is debating whether or not it’s worth it to try to convince the three of you to actually pay attention this year.

It’s not.

Waste of time.

Thanks guys. You’re really giving me a ton of hope for your bright and happy futures.

Mr. Padfoot mentions that “preposterous” is a word and he used it correctly.

Mr. Moony congratulates Mr. Padfoot on his success. But we’ve been over this before.

Speaking of bright and happy futures, Mr. Prongs would like to again express his displeasure that his friends did not inform him of his.

Mr. Wormtail was not aware Mr. Prongs had a specifically bright and happy future.

Mr. Padfoot believes Mr. Prongs is referring to his shared Headship with Miss Evans.

Mr. Prongs is hurt that Mr. Wormtail does not believe his future will be bright and happy.

Mr. Wormtail was only saying that he was unaware that sharing Headship with Miss Evans was bright and happy for Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Wormtail must be awfully dense. Haven’t we already established that everything involving Miss Evans being near him counts as bright and happy for Mr. Prongs?

Mr. Wormtail is certain that Miss Evans does not feel the same way. In fact, he was thinking that she might purposefully make it very much not bright or happy for Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs knows that Miss Evans will soon come to realize her true feelings for him—

What? That she really wants to hit you over the head with a broomstick? I think she’s already realized that, mate.

Mr. Prongs was referring to the deep and profound love Miss Evans secretly harbors for him.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs is just a tad bit delusional.

Mr. Prongs knows that he and Miss Evans will one day be very happy together.

It’s like that one song! ♪ I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life ♪

Moving on from that…

♪ When you're with me, baby the skies'll be blue for all my life ♪

Mr. Wormtail isn’t sure Miss Evans…

Mr. Moony advises Mr. Wormtail against upsetting Mr. Prongs’ delicate hopes. We wouldn’t want him to get all sulky for a week again.

♪ Me and you and you and me, no matter how they toss the dice, it has to be ♪

Mr. Prongs is certain he will be proved right in the end. Anyway, he and Miss Evans did fine at the prefect’s meeting on the train.

♪ The only one for me is you, and you for me. So happy together ♪

Mr. Moony concedes to that. I’m very proud of both of you. Keep things up like that and you both might survive the year.

Mr. Wormtail doesn’t like the sound of “survive the year”.

Well, either Miss Evans will kill Prongs or kill herself to get away from him.

♪ So happy together ♪

Mr. Prongs thinks that’s awfully morbid of Mr. Moony.

♪ So happy together ♪

Padfoot! Will you stop singing already?!

♪ We’re happy together Mooooony ♪

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that those revised lyrics in no way fit into the rhythm of the song.

Mr. Moony would be a lot happier if Mr. Padfoot would quit singing.

Mr. Prongs is confident of his abilities to win Miss Evans over.

Humming under your breath is just as bad, Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail will take Mr. Prongs’ word for it.

Whistling as well.

Mr. Moony has no appreciation for good music.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Padfoot listens to muggle music because he actually likes it or because it annoys his parents.

Mr. Moony is not surprised in the least.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot’s parents are no longer around him to be annoyed, so if he’s still listening to it, he must like it.

Mr. Moony is astounded by Mr. Prongs’ cool use of logic.

Mr. Padfoot enjoys muggle music immensely. It’s much better than some of the awful crap on WWN.

Mr. Prongs wonders what sort of music Miss Evans listens to.

Mr. Moony declares Mr. Prongs hopeless.

Mr. Wormtail suggests Mr. Prongs ask her.

Mr. Prongs thinks that is an excellent idea. Then they could listen together…

♪ So happy together ♪

Chapter Text

In Defense Against the Dark Arts…

Mr. Padfoot would like to inquire how Miss Evans is treating Mr. Prongs as of late.

Mr. Prongs and Miss Evans are getting along famously. I think. Why? Should I be worried?

No, no need to be worried. Just wondering.

Mr. Moony wonders why Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are passing notes.

Um… because we’re bored?

Mr. Prongs wonders if there is any other reason they ever pass notes.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that passing social notes during a test is an all-time high, er, ah, low for Messrs. Padfoot and Prongs.

Mr. Moony thinks his fellow Marauders should start on their tests. The class period won’t last forever.

Thank goodness for that.

Padfoot!

Moony!

Take your test!

No!

…

Mr. Prongs thinks we’ve gone and struck him speechless.

Mr. Padfoot offers a correction: I’ve gone and struck him speechless.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Moony is passing notes with us if he’s so worried about his test.

Mr. Moony has completed his test. Unlike these louts here who haven’t even started.

Face it, Moony. This test is so not happening.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Padfoot. This is the third test today. And who cares? It’s only a pre-test. There’s no grade or anything.

Mr. Moony maintains that even pre-tests have educational value and you should at least try to take them.

Mr. Padfoot doesn’t consider it worth the effort.

It’s Friday afternoon, Moony. Let us live a little.

Mr. Wormtail had pictured Mr. Prongs’ definition of “live a little” less like this and more like Mr. Padfoot’s definition.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what his definition is.

Isn’t it something along the lines of “snog every girl in sight”?

Oh. Right. Mr. Padfoot does agree with that definition.

Mr. Prongs does not agree.

That’s ‘cause Prongsie’s definition includes only snogging Evans.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Padfoot intends to assert any effort toward his schoolwork at all this year.

Mr. Padfoot does intend to graduate if that’s what Mr. Moony is heading towards.

Mr. Moony points out that completing assignments is necessary for graduation.

Mr. Padfoot will soon be very annoyed if this is how Mr. Moony intends to be all year.

Mr. Moony wonders what Mr. Padfoot is referring to.

Mr. Padfoot would rather that Mr. Moony not be an interfering busy-body about schoolwork this year.

Mr. Prongs seconds that request.

Shut up, Prongs. I’ll get to you in a second.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Prongs should be afraid, very afraid.

Mr. Prongs doesn’t need Mr. Wormtail to point that out.

Mr. Moony would like to remind Mr. Padfoot that without his help, all of you would still be failing Second Year.

Why Second Year?

Because I do have some faith in you.

No kidding.

Mr. Padfoot would like to think he is a little better at magic than that.

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Padfoot of his abilities to remove his motorbike from the pond this summer.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Mr. Prongs will ever let him live that one down.

Thanks mate.

Anytime. After all, what else are best mates for?

Mr. Wormtail advises that Mr. Padfoot not answer that question.

Mr. Padfoot offers his thanks for Mr. Moony for helping with his continued education at Hogwarts, but now begs him to keep to his own business.

Mr. Moony does not see this as a wise course of action, but will attempt to honor Mr. Padfoot’s wishes.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Moony sounds like he’s on Mr. Padfoot’s deathbed.

Mr. Prongs certainly hopes not.

Mr. Padfoot seconds that. He doesn’t want to die!

Mr. Wormtail wonders what Mr. Moony had in mind to tell Mr. Prongs about his schoolwork.

Aw, dang it Wormy! You didn’t have to remind him!

Mr. Moony only wished to remind Mr. Prongs that he is now, as Head Boy, supposed to be a role model…

Mr. Prongs was trying to forget that bit.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony is a big spoilsport.

Mr. Moony is only being realistic and trying to help.

Mr. Prongs doesn’t want to be a good role model. He’s a Marauder.

Mr. Moony wonders if he should inform Miss Evans of this attitude.

No! Don’t do that!

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Prongs is so vehement about this.

Mr. Prongs doesn’t… doesn’t want Miss Evans to… to think less of him for it.

So you’ll be a good student to impress Miss Evans but not because you’re Head Boy? Typical.

Awww. Young love.

Shut up, Padfoot.

At least my girlfriend accepts my mischievous nature.

Mr. Moony doesn’t see why it’s such a bad thing that Miss Evans motivates Mr. Prongs to be a better person and grow up a little.

It just is.

Maybe you should take a lesson from him and grow up a little yourself.

Grow up? Never! I don’t want to grow up! Off to Neverland!

I never should have read him that book…

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Moony has a strong desire to skin that cat.

Mr. Prongs isn’t quite sure how to respond to that.

Mr. Padfoot would gladly join Mr. Moony in this. The astronomy tower at midnight, okay?

Mr. Wormtail wonders what happened. Mr. Moony is not usually one to initiate distraction.

Mr. Moony had an… unfortunate encounter on the way to class today.

Mr. Padfoot does think it’s rather hilarious.

Mr. Wormtail again asks what’s going on.

Mr. Padfoot was walking to class with Mr. Moony when they ran into Mrs. Norris.

Mr. Prongs sees where this is going.

Mr. Wormtail continues to be utterly confused.

Mr. Moony is a werewolf. Cats do not like wolves. Cats do not like monsters.

Mrs. Norris doesn’t like anyone.

Good point.

Anyway, Mr. Moony’s presence was not appreciated by Mrs. Norris.

Nope. Not one bit.

Mr. Wormtail hopes Mr. Moony is alright.

Mr. Moony would have been just fine.

That’s great. Wait—“would have”??

Mr. Padfoot would do his best to look sheepish, but big, black dogs don’t do sheepish very well.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot ought to be doing a whole lot more than just looking sheepish.

It’s the white and fluffy part, you see. And the flaccid “I’m gonna sit here and eat straw”” thing.

Mr. Prongs is pretty sure that sheep don’t eat straw.

Mr. Moony is appalled by Mr. Padfoot’s murder of the word “flaccid”.

Don’t be silly, Prongs. Of course sheep eat straw.

I’m pretty sure they don’t.

Well, they have to eat something. So why not straw?

Mr. Prongs is pretty sure sheep eat grass.

Mr. Moony wonders if this argument is entirely necessary.

Be quiet, Moony. This is heavy stuff.

Yeah, it’s totally flaccid.

It’s your head that’s totally flaccid, that’s what.

Why thank you.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to stop looking so smug. That wasn’t a compliment.

It wasn’t?

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Padfoot has any clue what “flaccid” means.

Not really. Mr. Padfoot just thought it sounded cool.

Mr. Moony is resisting the urge to beat his head upon his desk.

Mr. Prongs advises against forceful head-to-desk contact. It could be painful.

Mr. Wormtail wonders what forceful head-to-desk contact is.

It’s Prongs’ fancy way of saying “banging your head on your desk”.

Oh. Right. I knew that.

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Padfoot look up words before he uses them.

Mr. Padfoot would, but he’s too lazy to find a dictionary.

Here. One second.

You keep a dictionary in your bag?!

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Prongs that this is Moony we’re talking about here.

Right. I’m not surprised anymore.

Mr. Wormtail is curious as to how Mr. Moony plans to get that dictionary across the room to Mr. Padfoot.

That’s easy.

Mr. Prongs has a bad feeling about this.

Wait, where’s he going?

Mr. Prongs has no idea.

Mr. Wormtail hopes he isn’t turning us in.

[a few minutes later]

That wasn’t funny, Moony.

Yes, it was.

Shut up, Prongs.

Mr. Moony would like to point out that it worked.

Going up to McGonagall and asking if you can give me a dictionary because I need it for the betterment of my person is not funny.

Yes it is.

Shut up, Prongs.

Mr. Wormtail is in agreement with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony maintains that it’s not his fault McGonagall agrees with him about Mr. Padfoot’s need for a dictionary.

Mr. Padfoot doesn’t understand what Mr. Moony is referring to.

That parrot was still squawking swear words three weeks after your failed attempts to transfigure it!

Oh. Oops.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Padfoot would just look up “flaccid” already. He wants to know what it means.

Mr. Padfoot is getting to it.

Oh my. Now we know this is really never happening. Just look it up, Padfoot!

Mr. Prongs suggests that Mr. Padfoot transfigure his rabbit first. It’s looking a little squished there. Just loosen up there a bit before its eyes pop out.

No! Gary! Come back here!

Mr. Moony is appalled.

There. Gary is now a rather nice fountain pen.

Mr. Wormtail is very puzzled as to why Mr. Padfoot named his pen “Gary”.

I named the rabbit not the pen, you idjit!

Mr. Moony doesn’t care. Look up the word already.

Okay. “Flaccid. Adjective.” What’s an adjective?

Mr. Moony wants to go stick his head in a barrel of flobberworms. You’re so hopeless, Sirius.

An adjective is a part of speech. Just continue already. It’s not important.

“Flaccid—not firm or stiff, lacking normal or youthful firmness, deficient in turgor”—what’s turgor?—actually, on second thought, never mind—“lacking vigor or force.”

Well, Padfoot?

Oh. I feel sheepish now.

Dang it. Not this again.

Big, black dogs don’t do sheepish very well…

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Padfoot wishes Mr. Prongs would stop stewing over there.

Mr. Prongs doesn’t see any reason to do so.

Mr. Padfoot asks again that Mr. Prongs stop. These foul mood humors are messing up his charm-work.

Mr. Moony is pretty sure Prongs’ mood has no actual effect on your charms, Padfoot. You’re just bad at charms.

Moony! You’re destroying my argument!

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that you didn’t have much of one to begin with.

Mr. Moony thinks we should just leave Prongs alone. If he wants to brood, let him brood.

Mr. Padfoot doesn’t like this plan. He’ll just brood himself up into such a foul mood that it’s us who’ll get pummeled in Quidditch tonight. Not a good plan at all.

And at the rate he’s going, Mr. Padfoot will deserve it by then.

Padfoot, leave him alone.

What? It’s not my fault he’s Slytherin green with envy!

Uh oh. Not a good move, Padfoot.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Padfoot has a death wish.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Mr. Padfoot knows exactly how easy it is to make it all look like an accident in this class.

Mr. Padfoot is, ah, well aware.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Padfoot ought to start running.

Mr. Moony advises Mr. Prongs to calm down.

Calm down? How can I calm down? He was standing there in the middle of the Great Hall with his great big paws all over her!

Mr. Padfoot resents that. Paws are nice. Not what that Willis idiot has.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to just grow up and leave Prongs to brood.

Mr. Padfoot is not very willing to do anything Mr. Moony wants right now.

Oh? And why is that?

Because you turned me into a sheep last week!!!

Mr. Moony stands by that excellent decision. You deserved it.

Mr. Padfoot has no clue what he might have done to deserve an existence as a puffy white cotton ball.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that cotton is a plant. If anything, Mr. Padfoot was a wool-ball.

Shut up, Wormtail. That’s not even a thing.

Mr. Prongs finds Mr. Padfoot’s ignorance on the topic of sheep rather amusing.

Shut up, Prongs. I thought you were busy brooding over there.

Mr. Wormtail would like to mention that Miss Evans and Mr. Willis look quite happy over there.

That little—

That was not helpful, Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot suggests decapitation as a proper punishment for the rogue who dares talk to Miss Evans.

Mr. Prongs actually doesn’t think that’s a bad idea. What does she see in him?

Mr. Padfoot doesn’t know. He supposes Willis sees whatever you see, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs wishes Evans were less attractive.

Mr. Moony sincerely hopes Mr. Prongs is never idiotic enough to say that to her face.

What? Mr. Prongs doesn’t appreciate competition!

Mr. Moony doesn’t think she would appreciate that comment.

Mr. Padfoot suggests Mr. Prongs tell her this when he’s around to watch.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony. Miss Evans would not find that amusing at all.

Mr. Prongs would like Mr. Moony’s professional opinion.

Yes?

How likely is it that I’d get away with it if I hexed Willis right now?

Mr. Padfoot wonders why it is that Moony has the professional knowledge of this matter.

Mr. Prongs wasn’t aware Mr. Padfoot was in the habit of thinking about whether he’d get in trouble or not.

Mr. Wormtail agrees that Mr. Padfoot is a tad bit impulsive.

Mr. Padfoot sees your point. Carry on. What do you think, Moony?

Mr. Moony is certain that Miss Evans would report the hex immediately. She’s been glaring at you, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs is hurt and wonders whatever he did to deserve such treatment.

Mr. Padfoot can’t be sure, but he suspects it might have something to do with all the time you’ve spent glaring at Willis.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Prongs should just try to ignore them. This brooding and glaring isn’t helping anything.

Mr. Prongs wonders if Evans is actually dating this dimwit.

Mr. Padfoot has not heard anything to that effect. You can rest easy now, Prongs.

Mr. Moony had not seen them like this before today.

Mr. Prongs wonders if maybe she’s hoping for someone to save her from Willis’ attention.

Mr. Moony doubts it.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it would be a very bad idea for Prongs to do whatever he’s thinking of doing right now.

No! It would be perfect. I’d ask her out and she’d be so desperate to escape him that she’d accept!

Mr. Moony doubts she’s that desperate.

Hey!

Mr. Padfoot is absolutely certain that plan would not work.

Mr. Wormtail asks why Mr. Padfoot is so certain.

Because Evans wouldn’t let a guy she was desperate to get away from kiss her cheek like that.

He did WHAT?!

Relax Prongs. It was just a kiss on the cheek.

Relax!?! I can’t relax! I’ll kill him putting his filthy… ahhhhhh.

Mr. Moony doubts Miss Evans will ever be interested in dating Mr. Prongs after that little display.

Mr. Padfoot thought it was amusing.

Mr. Wormtail is rather terrified.

Really Prongs. There was no need to start screaming and beating your head on the desk.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Prongs to remember the useful advice he gave last week about forceful head-to-desk contact.

Mr. Prongs’ head hurts.

Mr. Padfoot suggests Mr. Prongs ask to go to the hospital wing. Then you can get away from Willis and we can be spared of your foul mood.

Mr. Prongs thanks his friends for their support in his time of struggle as he takes his leave of them.

[Prongs leaves for the Hospital Wing for a headache cure.]

Good riddance.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot not to be mean.

Mr. Padfoot is justified in his reaction. Now that the foul mood humors have left, maybe his charm will work. One second…

And it evidently wasn’t the foul mood humors…

Shut up, Moony.

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Prongs is relieved and happy with how that turned out.

Mr. Padfoot is glad too. What did you end up with?

Two weeks of detention with McGonagall and a formal apology letter.

Mr. Padfoot wonders how that’s a good thing. Two weeks!

Mr. Prongs was expecting much worse. He did send Willis to the hospital wing.

Mr. Moony hopes Mr. Prongs is pleased with himself.

Mr. Prongs is very pleased with himself indeed.

Mr. Padfoot is amused by Mr. Moony’s disapproval.

Mr. Moony is just rather annoyed that Mr. Prongs lowered himself to that level.

Mr. Padfoot is confused. Mr. Moony had no problems with this sort of thing last year.

Last year Prongs was not Head Boy.

Mr. Prongs has already apologized to Evans and McGonagall. However, he does not regret his actions.

Mr. Padfoot sees no reason for regret. Willis deserved it.

Mr. Wormtail wonders what you all are talking about.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Mr. Wormtail could possibly be more oblivious.

Mr. Wormtail has better things to think about.

Mr. Padfoot can’t think of anything more important than this conversation.

That is because Transfiguration comes easily to Mr. Padfoot. Mr. Wormtail actually feels the need to pay attention.

Mr. Prongs is proud to say that he has dueled Adam Willis and successfully flayed the rogue within an inch of his life for his advances upon Mr. Prongs’ true love.

Mr. Padfoot would like to amend that the flaying wasn’t quite that bad. Willis might have to spend a few more days in the hospital, that’s all.

Ah, vengeance is sweet.

Mr. Moony seriously doubts that Lily Evans can be your true love if she doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs is confident that Miss Evans loves him. She is in denial of her feelings. That is all.

And that ego is sure to win her over.

Mr. Prongs does not appreciate Mr. Moony’s pessimistic mood. He has much hope for his relationship with Miss Evans. We’re not killing each other during patrols anymore!

Most people would find the part where you used to be killing each other a deterrent.

Mr. Prongs treasures any moment he has with Miss Evans. Even if she’s yelling at him.

Mr. Padfoot is exceptionally glad Miss McKinnon doesn’t yell at him often. She’s almost as scary as Lily.

Mr. Moony was actually under the impression Mr. Padfoot enjoyed his occasional fights with Miss McKinnon.

Mr. Padfoot is unsure what Mr. Moony is talking about.

Mr. Prongs believes he’s referencing the last time when the two of you stumbled into the common room at three in the morning, looking a bit worse for wear.

Mr. Padfoot edits his previous statement: it’s not fun when she’s actually yelling at him. It’s the part after the yelling that’s much more enjoyable.

Mr. Moony wishes to move off of this topic.

Mr. Wormtail wouldn’t mind that either.

Mr. Moony thinks it would be better to discuss what sort of things we—Padfoot, Wormtail, and I—could do in the next two weeks.

Mr. Padfoot doesn’t like planning ahead. Can’t we just make it all up as we go along?

Mr. Wormtail doesn’t think Moony was actually interested in planning this out. He’s making a point.

Mr. Prongs absolutely forbids any of you to have fun in his absence.

Why not? You’ve brought this upon yourself.

Mr. Prongs is happily enjoying his revenge. He doesn’t want Mr. Moony to spoil it.

Mr. Moony thinks that Mr. Prongs deserves anything he gets. He’s supposed to be better than this.

Mr. Prongs wishes he weren’t Head Boy sometimes.

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Prongs that being Head Boy is what allows him the most time with Miss Evans.

Oh. Right. Mr. Prongs now remembers why he agreed to this mad position. Miss Evans with her hair of flame and her eyes…

Mr. Wormtail gets the picture. You can stop now Prongs.

Her skin is the finest porcelain in color but is velvet to the touch…

Mr. Padfoot is starting to get scared. Please stop, Prongs.

When she speaks it is like the pealing of little bells…

Mr. Moony is wondering when Mr. Prongs was close enough to Miss Evans to gather all this information about her.

Mr. Padfoot is wondering what sort of things Mr. Prongs has been reading if he’s describing Miss Evans like that.

Mr. Wormtail sometimes wishes he were not included in these conversations.

Mr. Prongs admits that his descriptions of Miss Evans are the product of his imagination.

Mr. Padfoot does not want to foray any further into that imagination.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

Mr. Moony hopes the imaginings of Miss Evans are enough to keep Mr. Prongs company for the next two weeks as he serves detention for being an idiot.

Mr. Prongs wishes Mr. Moony didn’t have to remind him.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Prongs not to be ridiculous. Mr. Moony is going to milk this for all it’s worth.

Mr. Prongs was afraid of that. But nonetheless, revenge is sweet, very sweet.

Chapter Text

In Defense Against the Dark Arts…

Mr. Padfoot directs his army of gryphons to attack Mr. Prongs' army from the east, creating a deadlock for the ogres.

Mr. Prongs has his archers shoot down the gryphons and serve them as a delicacy in his camp that night.

Mr. Padfoot objects to this action. You can't just get rid of them!

Mr. Prongs is at liberty to do whatever he likes. He then sends his chimaera to stalk Mr. Padfoot’s right flank while advancing his cavalry in the center of the front line.

Mr. Padfoot sends a champion to slay Mr. Prongs' chimaera.

Mr. Prongs' chimaera burns Mr. Padfoot’s so-called champion to a crisp.

Mr. Padfoot’s men mourn the loss of their champion and swear vengeance against Mr. Prongs' chimaera.

Mr. Prongs' chimaera is a fearsome beast. No man or champion has managed to slay it!

Mr. Moony thinks that would be obvious as Mr. Prongs' chimaera is still alive.

Mr. Prongs was making a dramatic point. No need to point out logical holes, Moony old chap.

Mr. Padfoot isn't sure what to make of "old chap". It's weird.

Mr. Prongs just felt like saying it.

Mr. Wormtail is most confused as to what is going on. What’s a chimaera and why does Prongs have one?

A chimaera is an old mythological creature that breathes fire and is part dragon, part lion, and part goat.

So they don't exist?

No, you can still find some in Greece, I believe. They’re a class XXXXX dangerous species and nearly impossible to kill.

Mr. Wormtail does not like the sound of that.

Mr. Padfoot and I are studying for Care of Magical Creatures, you see.

Oh. Mr. Wormtail is surprised to see that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are studying.

Mr. Prongs asks Mr. Wormtail not to be silly. Padfoot and I are taking all the same classes as you. None of us are taking Care of Magical Creatures!

Mr. Wormtail knew that. He was just, ah, playing along.

While Mr. Prongs is distracted, Mr. Padfoot’s rear guard of dark centaurs sneaks up from behind and attacks his right flank.

Mr. Prongs' men spring into action and release a baby dragon to eliminate Mr. Padfoot’s centaurs. Once again, Mr. Padfoot’s men are burnt to a crisp!

The remains of Mr. Padfoot’s army make a hasty retreat and start searching for a dragon slayer.

Mr. Prongs sincerely hopes this champion is better than the last one. His dragon is in want of a workout.

Mr. Padfoot’s champions are amazing. It’s Mr. Prongs' beasts who need to tone it down a bit.

No chance.

Mr. Wormtail again asks what is going on.

We’re playing a game, Wormtail. It’s me verses Prongs. I’m going to wipe the blood of his men off the battle field with his dead body.

Mr. Moony really didn't want that mental image. That’s disgusting.

Mr. Prongs denies the possibility of that. Mr. Padfoot will flee and surrender first! Mr. Prongs is fighting for his fair maiden and will not be defeated!

Mr. Wormtail doesn't think that Miss Evans will kiss Mr. Prongs for winning this.

Why ever not?

Because it's an imaginary game and she's just not that into you, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs is hurt.

Mr. Moony still advises that Mr. Prongs not ask for a kiss upon his victory. It won't help your already sorry and pathetic situation.

Mr. Prongs will reluctantly take that under advisement.

Mr. Padfoot’s champions gather as a group at dawn to face off both the baby dragon and the chimaera.

Mr. Prongs' forces ready themselves for the easy task of taking out Mr. Padfoot’s pathetic army.

Mr. Padfoot’s army is fiercer than you imagine.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

No it isn't.

Yes it is.

Isn’t.

Isn’t.

Isn’t.

Isn’t.

Isn’t.

GUYS!

Yes?

Cut it out.

Yes, Mum.

Mr. Padfoot’s men start closing in on the chimaera.

Mr. Prongs' chimaera is hungry and looks forward to devouring the carcasses coming toward it.

Mr. Padfoot releases a wyvern to attack the baby dragon. The two become locked in a desperate struggle.

Mr. Prongs' baby dragon is rescued by his new pegasus.

Hey! You can't steal my pegasus!

I just did.

Mr. Padfoot’s men start in an inquiry as to how Mr. Prongs managed to steal his pegasus.

Mr. Prongs considers an inquiry pointless. However he accomplished it, the pegasus was Mr. Padfoot’s only hope of defeating the chimaera.

Mr. Moony releases a deadly contagion over both armies that infects all the men and creatures and kills them within a few minutes. He wins.

Mr. Padfoot declares this action cowardly and totally against the rules.

Mr. Prongs concurs. That’s not allowed!

Mr. Moony doesn't care. He is victorious and tired of this game.

Spoil sport.

Yes, yes, I know. But I still won.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty-One: Padfoot and the Whole World

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Moony really wishes that Mr. Padfoot would cease making rendezvous with Miss McKinnon on nights that he is on patrol. By now he has seen more of both of you than he ever wanted too.

Mr. Padfoot supposes he could try to do something.

Mr. Moony wants a bit more than “try”.

Mr. Padfoot understands Mr. Moony’s distress, but cannot make guarantees. After all, memorizing Mr. Moony’s patrol schedule and then reorganizing spontaneous dates around it would require an awful lot of work.

Heaven forbid that Padfoot do any work, of course.

Mr. Moony has a simple solution: nix these dates all together.

Mr. Padfoot is horrified by that suggestion.

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Moony is so upset about this now.

Because it’s been twice in the past week!

Mr. Padfoot considers these the benefits of having a long-term girlfriend.

Mr. Moony does not want to hear about it.

Mr. Prongs thinks that many of Mr. Moony’s problems with Padfoot’s snogging habits would be solved if he got himself a girlfriend.

Mr. Moony disagrees.

Yeah, Moony! You need a girl. Seriously.

This conversation is over.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony would be good with Miss—

Mr. Moony has not yet forgiven Mr. Padfoot and wishes that he be mindful of that.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony should ask that one Ravenclaw prefect out. You spend an awful lot of time patrolling with her.

Mr. Moony has one question: has Padfoot snogged her?

Uh…yes?

Then he’s not interested.

Great. Now we’re down to girls Padfoot hasn’t snogged. This is impossible.

You do realize that this means you’re limited to my evil family members now?

Mr. Moony is sure that there is a perfectly nice girl out there somewhere that Padfoot hasn’t snogged.

Mr. Prongs suggests that Mr. Moony leave the country then. Go somewhere nice. Like… I dunno… Paris.

Why Paris?

Mr. Prongs just said the first thing that came to mind.

Mr. Padfoot hates to put a damper on the idea, but his family has vacationed in Paris multiple times and he’s had several lovely summer romances…

Mr. Moony is rather appalled that finding a girl who hasn’t snogged Padfoot is this difficult.

Mr. Padfoot supposes that there’s always Miss Evans.

Absolutely not.

But then, there’s that, so I guess not.

Mr. Prongs wishes to remind Mr. Moony that Miss Evans does have a muggle sister. She’s quite, er, ah, tolerable.

Mr. Padfoot wishes Mr. Prongs would stop trying to make Petunia Evans sound like a decent person. And for the record, I kissed her too.

YOU WHAT?!?!

Mr. Moony is shocked and rather disgusted. He has only seen the elder Miss Evans from a distance, but has seen enough to convince him that she is not a pleasant person.

Mr. Prongs asks how and when this happened.

Mr. Padfoot only did it to freak her out. It was the summer before sixth year when you and I went to surprise Lily. While she was yelling at you, Prongs, the muggle girl was making rude comments about me being a wizard. So, to annoy her as much as she was annoying me, I kissed her.

Mr. Moony is appalled. You didn’t even like her!

Yeah. But returning her yelling was only going to give her satisfaction. Kissing her didn’t.

Mr. Prongs is wondering how he missed this.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that might have to do with how sexy Mr. Prongs finds Lily Evans when she’s mad at him.

True…

Mr. Moony is interested to know what Miss Petunia Evans did to Mr. Padfoot for kissing her.

She slapped me across the face and headed back into her house. She was definitely one of the worst kisses I’ve ever had. Certainly in the bottom five.

Mr. Prongs is not surprised. That she slapped you or that she’s a horrible kisser. After all, she and her sister are opposites in every way…

Mr. Moony really doesn’t want to think about Lily Evans’ kissing ability.

Mr. Padfoot wonders how Mr. Prongs knows that Lily Evans is a good kisser.

He doesn’t. But he is sure she is just as wonderful a kisser as she is everything else.

Mr. Moony has now given up. He will never find a girl who hasn’t kissed his best friend.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that’s about right.

Mr. Prongs offers his most sincere sympathy. And advises that the contents of this conversation be kept from a certain Miss McKinnon.

Mr. Moony has just thought of the most excellent revenge for Mr. Padfoot’s ruination of his future love life.

Noooooo!!!! Please Moony!! Anything!! I’ll give you anything. Please?

Mr. Moony doesn’t think even Mr. Padfoot can turn back time and un-kiss all those girls.

Mr. Prongs finds Mr. Padfoot’s new predicament very amusing indeed.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Moony for a way out of dealing with an annoyed and jealous girlfriend.

Mr. Moony wonders why Mr. Padfoot is bothered. It’s not like he’s cheated on Marlene or anything. All those kisses were before he began dating her.

Mr. Padfoot is still worried that she might be reminded.

Mr. Prongs suggests Mr. Padfoot start offering silence bribes now.

Mr. Moony is looking forward to what he might gain for his silence.

Mr. Padfoot is scared.

He should be.

Chapter Text

In Potions…

Mr. Wormtail wonders what Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are whispering about over there.

Mr. Padfoot requests that Mr. Wormtail keep his big, fat nose out of other people's business.

Mr. Wormtail did not mean to offend. He was only inquiring.

Mr. Prongs begs Mr. Padfoot not to be rude. Mr. Wormtail is a friend. We ought to welcome him.

Mr. Padfoot maintains that the subject of Mr. Prongs' and his conversation is not something Mr. Wormtail need be concerned about.

Mr. Wormtail only likes to be in the know.

Mr. Prongs is not opposed to telling Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot does not think that is a wise idea.

Why not?

Mr. Padfoot thinks that there are some things that should not be repeated in the hearing of those who might decide to spoil certain… aspects of a plan.

Mr. Prongs understands now. Yes, he had not thought of that.

What?

Mr. Padfoot does not consider it wise to discuss delicate matters openly when Mr. Moony is in such a bad mood.

Mr. Prongs shares the worry that Mr. Moony might decide to put the kibosh on their ideas.

Mr. Wormtail now wishes he had a different potions partner.

Speaking of Moony, where is he?

Mr. Prongs wonders as well. It's not like him to let such hints of rule-breaking slide under his nose like this. What's he doing, Wormy?

He says he doesn't want to talk to either of you.

Mr. Padfoot is offended. Who wouldn't want to talk to him?

Mr. Prongs wonders what they've supposedly done now.

He says that he's still mad at you for last night and doesn't want to deal with you while he's worn out because the full moon is tonight.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that's sad.

Mr. Prongs promises that they didn't mean any harm by it.

Come on Moony! Talk to us!

Mr. Prongs begs Mr. Moony to talk to him. He doesn't like it when his Moony is mad at him.

Mr. Padfoot wonders when Mr. Moony came to belong to Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs sees nothing wrong with the expression. He's our Moony.

You make him sound like a lost puppy. Or a goldfish.

Mr. Wormtail finds the image of Mr. Moony as a goldfish a rather hilarious one.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what the wolf might think about being in a little bowl of water.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think wolves swim very well.

Mr. Moony wishes his friends would shut up and work on their potions.

Ah! Moony! How lovely of you to join us!

Mooooooony! I miiiissssseeed yooooou!

Mr. Prongs supposes that Mr. Moony is now very glad to be on the other side of the room. That would have had a bear hug attached if Mr. Moony had been any closer.

Mr. Padfoot is too manly to give bear hugs.

Mr. Moony seriously doubts that.

Mr. Wormtail wants to put it out there that he refuses to relay any bear hugs from Mr. Padfoot. He draws the line before humiliating himself in such a manner.

Mr. Moony would rip Mr. Wormtail to shreds if he tried such a thing.

Oooh. Somebody's grumpy.

You'll shut up, Padfoot, if you know what's good for you.

Mr. Prongs had hoped that Mr. Moony's anger might have cooled by now.

Mr. Padfoot had been trying to forget that Mr. Moony is so angry at them.

Mr. Wormtail actually thinks Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs rather deserve this treatment.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why on earth that might be.

Because SOME PEOPLE are idiotic to the point where they don't even stop to THINK that their actions might have CONSEQUENCES.

Mr. Prongs apologizes. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Of course it did. And because it was such a "good" idea, you never thought long enough to realize that it was an incredibly stupid and horrible idea!

Come on, Moony! We were just trying to help you!

And asking a sixth year to pull me into a broom closet for a snog because I apparently "like" her and then locking the two of us in there for an hour is helpful? What universe do you freakin' come from?

Mr. Padfoot was certain it would work in everyone's best interests.

Mr. Prongs wonders what exactly went so wrong.

Well, there's the part where I wasn't even interested in her in the first place. Then there's the part where she started crying when she figured that out. Then there's the part where I'm not going to snog some random girl I'm not interested in. Then there's the part where I actually had other responsibilities last night that didn't get taken care of because I was LOCKED in broom closet for an HOUR with a broken-hearted girl and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

Mr. Padfoot hadn't thought of it quite like that before…

Mr. Prongs figures that now would be a good time to beg Mr. Moony's forgiveness.

Mr. Wormtail swears he had nothing to do with the whole scheme.

Mr. Moony will consider forgiveness, but not until after the full moon. He's too angry and lousy-feeling to think clearly.

Mr. Padfoot only regrets that their scheme didn't work.

And that, Padfoot, is why you won't be forgiven.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Wormtail wonders how Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs can possibly intend to pass this term.

Mr. Padfoot finds the answer to that simple: exactly like we do every other term.

Mr. Prongs doesn't see why Mr. Wormtail is worried about that now.

Mr. Moony presumes it must have something to do with the fact that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are once again off task.

Mr. Prongs denies that he and Mr. Padfoot are off task.

Mr. Moony cannot possibly imagine how making your tea set perform as a jazz ensemble is on task.

Mr. Padfoot admits that there is no actual singing…

Mr. Prongs wonders if we can make our tea set sing the Beatles.

Mr. Moony wishes that his friends would simply follow the instructions. "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and that's it, please.

Mr. Padfoot declares that too boring for our imaginations. At least our teacups are singing something interesting!

Mr. Prongs thinks he and Mr. Padfoot should actually get extra credit for having the best-sounding teacups in the room.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs do not in fact have the best-sounding teacups in the room.

Mr. Moony agrees with that statement, actually.

What?! Who dares usurp our singing teacup superiority?

No! It cannot be! We must find this rogue and smash pumpkins upon his head!

Mr. Moony does not think Mr. Prongs will actually want to carry through with that threat.

Why not?

Because it is Miss Evans' talented teacups that are besting yours.

So?

Padfoot!

What?

We're not going to smash pumpkins on Lily's head!

Why not? I was looking forward to it…

Mr. Moony thinks this might have something to do with the fact that this is Miss Evans' head. Mr. Prongs is rather attached to it.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't see why he can't smash pumpkins against it. Really, if it hurts her maybe she'll let Prongs here nurse her back to health!

Mr. Wormtail doubts it would work out that way.

No, she'd probably think it was my idea—which it was—and then refuse to speak to me for a week again.

Mr. Padfoot still wants to throw pumpkins at her head.

I said NO.

Mr. Moony must admit that he is very impressed with Miss Evans. Her teacup is perfectly in tune and everything.

What is it singing?!

My ears…

It's beautiful…

Shut up, Prongs. You're only saying that because it's Evans' teacup.

Am not!

Admit it: it sounds like a dying cat.

Actually, it doesn't. It's beautiful. What is it, Moony?

Mr. Moony has to agree with Mr. Prongs. It's quite beautiful. Miss Evans' teacup is doing a fabulous job.

The song, Moony! Tell us the song!

Fine. It's the "Aria of the Queen of the Night" from Die Zauberflöte .

Huh?

Dee whatsa?

Mr. Moony despairs at the cultural ignorance of his companions.

If you tell us what it is, then we won't be ignorant anymore.

Mr. Moony supposes so. Fine. It's an opera by Mozart. It's in German, and the title translates "The Magic Flute".

It still doesn't ring any bells.

Mr. Prongs is not surprised.

What? Do you know it?

Mr. Prongs can actually admit that yes, he does know this piece. His mother has a liking for muggle classical music.

Mr. Moony is not at all surprised by Mrs. Potter's taste. She certainly seems the sort who would enjoy such a thing.

Mr. Prongs is actually rather impressed that Miss Evans has managed to get her teacup to sing this. According to his mother, it's not an easy one.

Mr. Moony thinks that maybe Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs should just admit that Miss Evans is better at Charms then the two of them.

Mr. Padfoot will admit no such thing.

Mr. Wormtail really didn't know it was possible to sing this high… his ears…

Mr. Padfoot agrees. Will someone shut that teacup up already?

Mr. Moony was enjoying it.

You would, Moony.

Chapter Text

In Defense Against the Dark Arts…

Mr. Moony is perplexed by the specks of chocolate on Mr. Prongs' face.

Mr. Padfoot seriously hopes Mr. Moony doesn't plan to lick them off.

PADFOOT!

What?

I'm not going to lick Prongs' face! Where would you ever get such an idea?!

Mr. Prongs is very glad for this vehement refusal.

Mr. Padfoot only was thinking of how much Mr. Moony loves chocolate…

I might love chocolate, but that does not mean I want to lick it off my best mate's face! That's revolting! How could you even suggest such a thing?

Mr. Wormtail is really glad we're establishing all this. He doesn't know how he would have lived any longer without knowing the specifics of Mr. Moony's love of chocolate.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Moony that he did not actually suggest that he lick Prongs' face. He only expressed his hope that Mr. Moony would do no such thing.

Same difference.

Mr. Prongs would appreciate it if someone would get rid of this chocolate for him. It's not very nice. It's gooey and all over my face.

Mr. Padfoot is certain that Mr. Moony would be more than willing to offer his services.

PADFOOT!

Mr. Padfoot would like to once again point out that he didn't specifically suggest anything untoward there. Mr. Moony is jumping to conclusions.

Mr. Moony thinks it shouldn't matter. We all know you were thinking it.

Mr. Wormtail is amazed at Mr. Moony's newfound ability in mind-reading.

Mr. Moony does wonder how that chocolate came to be on Mr. Prongs' face.

Mr. Prongs assures Mr. Moony that he did nothing to deserve it.

Mr. Padfoot is under the impression that Miss Evans would disagree.

What did you do now, Prongs?

I wasn't doing anything! I swear!

Mr. Wormtail seriously doubts that.

Mr. Padfoot wonders at Mr. Prongs' blindness. You were totally doing something.

Just tell me, Padfoot.

He was flirting unashamedly with Evans again. What did you think?

I was not!

Oh? And asking her out and preening like a peacock isn't flirting now?

Well…

You were flirting with her, Prongs.

Mr. Moony fails to see what this flirting has to do with the chocolate on Prongs' face.

Interested, are we? I'm sure it would taste soooo gooooood.

Padfoot, I'm warning you…

Right. Right. Shutting up.

Good.

Mr. Prongs admits that the chocolate is the fault of Miss Evans.

How so?

Mr. Prongs wasn't really doing anything.

Yeah, you were.

Fine. Mr. Prongs was talking to her. And he might have asked her out. Several times.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Prongs not to forget the hair-ruffling.

Oh yeah.

Mr. Padfoot thinks he counted at least a dozen passes through his hair in a two-minute conversation.

Then what?

She… uh, took offense to my… comments. And decided to shove a piece of cake in my face before stalking off.

Mr. Moony finds this very amusing indeed. He knew there was reason he liked Miss Evans.

Because she gives him an opportunity to lick yummy chocolate off Prongs' face?

NO.

Mr. Prongs has no idea why Mr. Padfoot wants Moony to lick my face so badly, but it's really disturbing. Please stop?

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Padfoot would like to lick Mr. Prongs' face instead.

Ewwwwww! No!

Mr. Moony wishes Mr. Padfoot were sitting a bit closer to him.

Why?

So I could hit you upside the head, you idiot!

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Wormtail is so snarky today.

Mr. Wormtail had nightmares about Mrs. Norris last night. She was chasing me through the castle…

Mr. Moony offers his sympathies to Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Prongs does as well.

Mr. Padfoot would like to boast that Mrs. Norris has nightmares about him.

Mr. Wormtail does not find that helpful in the least.

Think about it this way, Wormtail. Chocolate might just cure this depression.

Mr. Wormtail supposes it might…

Excellent. Prongs has some for you.

Mr. Wormtail should have seen that coming.

Yes, he should have.

Mr. Padfoot is indeed surprised Mr, Wormtail didn't see that coming.

Mr. Moony wonders when Mr. Padfoot is going to realize that no one wants to lick Prongs' face. It's disgusting.

Mr. Prongs thinks he actually has a rather nice face. But that doesn't mean he wants his friends to lick it.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Miss Evans would like to lick the chocolate off Prongs' face… That would have been a pretty awesome tactic on her part—

PADFOOT!

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Padfoot is half tempted just to cancel his subscription to the Daily Prophet. It's downright depressing these days.

Mr. Wormtail agrees. It's all death and destruction.

Mr. Prongs points out that what we're reading is the real world, even if it's depressing.

Mr. Padfoot knows that. But it doesn't mean he wants to read about it at breakfast. It puts a damper on his whole day.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why he reads it then. If it really is so torturous.

Mr. Prongs supposes it's because this is the world we're going to be part of in just a few months. We can't go into it completely ignorant, even if it would be easier to ignore it all now.

Mr. Mooney is impressed with Mr. Prongs' maturity on this subject.

Mr. Padfoot is shocked and horrified that Prongs has matured. What's happened to his best mate? Did they take him in the night and replace him with a good twin?

Who's 'they'?

The gremlins of course.

Mr. Moony is pretty sure gremlins don't actually exist.

Mr. Prongs is just being reasonable. We're only going to be children for a little while longer.

So we have to enjoy while we can, right?

Exactly.

And here Mr. Moony was actually thinking Mr. Prongs was worthwhile.

Mr. Prongs wonders what Mr. Moony could possibly mean by that.

Uh… nothing.

Mr. Padfoot wishes he had a copy of the paper with him now, actually.

Mr. Wormtail thought Mr. Padfoot wanted to cancel his subscription.

Mr. Padfoot is saddened by the depressing content of the paper, but that doesn't mean he can't miss the crossword. And he left his copy in the dorm this morning. Now he has nothing to do in class.

Mr. Moony once again suggests that he pay attention.

Mr. Padfoot feels that we've been over this already.

Mr. Moony was only suggesting it.

Mr. Prongs is rather offended. Isn't talking to us a suitable classroom pastime?

Mr. Padfoot supposes so.

Mr. Moony wonders how any of you pass anything.

Mr. Padfoot once again feels that we've been over this. Prongs and I are just that awesome.

Except in Charms. Lily bested us in Charms.

Mr. Padfoot would use the term "bested" loosely. Her teacup sounded like a dying cat.

Mr. Prongs disagrees. It was lovely. You just don't like opera, Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail is with Mr. Padfoot on this one.

And Mr. Moony is with Mr. Prongs. He's sure Miss Evans would appreciate the compliment.

Mr. Padfoot feels that we've been missing something lately.

What is that?

A good, proper, old-fashioned prank.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

Mr. Prongs does realize that it's been a while.

Mr. Padfoot blames it all on Prongs' now boringness as Head Boy.

Mr. Prongs refuses to have this argument again.

Mr. Wormtail wonders what Mr. Moony and Miss Evans are doing over there.

Mr. Prongs can't see them from here. Someone tell him what's going on!

Mr. Moony doesn't know what Mr. Padfoot is talking about.

Mr. Padfoot didn't say anything.

Yeah, Mr. Wormtail is the one who made that observation.

Oops. Mr. Moony meant Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot demands to know what is going on. Mr. Moony is acting downright strange. And talking too closely with Miss Evans.

Mr. Moony breaks down and admits it.

What?

Mr. Moony has let Miss Evans borrow his pen and parchment for the duration of this conversation.

What?! Traitor!

Moony! How could you!?

We trusted you!

You have betrayed the trust of the Marauders!

We ought to shun you, toss you out!

Mr. Moony (really him this time) is patiently waiting for Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs to be finished.

Mr. Padfoot counts this is a grievous wound to his very soul!

Mr. Prongs cannot believe Mr. Moony would stoop so low!

Are you done yet?

Fine.

Mr. Padfoot supposes we can stop now.

Mr. Prongs had fun doing it though.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are ridiculous. (And Miss Evans agrees.)

Mr. Wormtail knew something was up all along.

Well good for Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't think there's any reason to be snippy.

Mr. Moony speaks on Miss Evans' behalf when he asks if Mr. Prongs actually meant all that about the paper and growing up.

Mr. Prongs meant every word. On his honor as a Marauder.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't believe there is much honor left to be had as a Marauder after this breach in security.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to stop being melodramatic.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't know what that means, but he won't stop!

Mr. Prongs asks if Miss Evans is still eavesdropping.

No, she's taking notes now.

Mr. Wormtail is not surprised.

Mr. Prongs then counts this as a success. She did say she was impressed with me…

Mr. Padfoot supposes Mr. Prongs would latch on to that little bit…

Chapter Text

In Charms…

I'm really surprised that you're still passing notes.

-Evans

What? We always pass notes. You just haven't noticed.

-James

But now I know your secret.

-Evans

Pssssst. Prongs! Who are you talking to?

Mr. Prongs wishes his friends would leave him alone for a moment.

Hey, Moony. You're sitting with him. Who's he talking to?

Mr. Moony believes he's sending notes to Miss Evans.

Mr. Padfoot considers that impossible. Evans never reads or returns his notes.

Dang it guys. We have a problem.

What did you do now?

Mr. Prongs didn't do anything! It's just that Evans knows our secret about note-passing now.

Lily, I beg you not to do anything about that. Please.

-James

Why shouldn't I? You're Head Boy. You should pay attention in classes. And it's certainly not helping your friends if you never learn anything.

-Evans

We learn things! We just don't see the need to pay attention once we have.

-James

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

-Evans

Mr. Padfoot agrees. This is a crisis.

Mr. Prongs is well aware of that.

Mr. Padfoot urges Mr. Prongs to do something about this. Quickly.

What doesn't Mr. Padfoot think Mr. Prongs is doing?

Very well. Continue with that please, good sir.

Gladly. Now leave me be.

Please, Lily. Don't turn us in. We don't need any more detentions.

-James

And whose fault is that?

-Evans

Our own. We know. But please? It's harmless.

-James

You say that about everything.

-Evans

Not everything. Honest. Please. We're not hurting anyone but ourselves.

-James

A thought has occurred to Mr. Padfoot.

Oh?

Mr. Padfoot recalls that it was Mr. Moony is the one who introduced Miss Evans to our note-passing.

Mr. Moony is aware of that.

Therefore, it was fault of Mr. Moony that we are now in this crisis.

Mr. Moony has a bad feeling about the direction this conversation is heading.

I know why you don't want me to turn you in.

-Evans

You do? So you'll let it all go?

-James

Not so fast. I never said that. I just said I know why you don't want to be in trouble right now, James Potter.

-Evans

And why is that?

-James

Because you don't want to get banned from another Quidditch game.

-Evans

I haven't been banned this year! I've been at every game and practice.

-James

You haven't been banned yet. Face it, Potter. Your track record isn't so great here.

-Evans

Mr. Wormtail sees truth in Mr. Padfoot's statements.

Mr. Moony really doesn't like this conversation.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony should serve a suitable punishment for crisis instagatment.

Mr. Moony points out that "instagatment" isn't a word.

Well, it should be.

Too bad. It isn't.

Should be.

Isn't.

Should be.

Is—I am SO not playing this game with you.

Dang it.

My Quidditch playing aside, can you please not turn us in?

-James

I'm Head Girl, Potter. I have to.

-Evans

I'm Head Boy.

-James

You should have turned yourself in.

-Evans

That's not something I can do. Marauder's honor.

-James

How's it coming Prongs?

Badly. Leave me alone.

Mr. Moony really doesn't like the sound of that.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't mind. What are a few more detentions on top of the ones he already has?

Mr. Moony is glad he doesn't have that problem.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think of it as a problem, but a release.

Mr. Wormtail is beginning to think Mr. Padfoot has truly gone off the deep end.

Mr. Moony agrees.

Mr. Padfoot is perfectly fine, thank you very much.

Please, Lily. I'll do anything.

-James

Anything? Really? You're willing to make that promise?

-Evans

Yes. I'll do anything for you. I mean, I can't control my friends, but I'll do what you like.

-James

Mr. Padfoot has remembered that Mr. Moony ought to be punished for his disloyalty.

Mr. Moony disagrees, once again.

Too bad.

Mr. Wormtail wonders what Mr. Padfoot has in mind.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony should be his slave for a day.

Mr. Moony thinks that's ridiculous.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that Mr. Moony's disloyalty was towards all of us, just not you, Padfoot. If anything Moony should be slaves to all of us for a day.

On separate days, of course.

Mr. Moony refuses. He will not be anyone's slave.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind Mr. Moony that the offender doesn't get to choose his punishment.

Alright, Potter. I have one request.

-Evans

Yes? What is it?

-James

I won't turn you in if you don't ask me out ever again.

-Evans

What?!

...

It's that or no deal.

-Evans

Alright. Deal. I won't ask you out again. Unless you want me to.

-James

I won't want you to.

-Evans

Then what's the harm in adding that condition?

-James

Fine. It's a deal.

-Evans

Good news gentlemen. Crisis is averted.

…

Guys? What have you three been doing?!

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Padfoot is looking forward to this weekend.

Mr. Wormtail wonders what is so special about this weekend.

Mr. Padfoot is excited for the Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw game on Saturday.

Mr. Prongs wonders why on earth that would be. Ravenclaw stinks. It's going to be an awful game.

Yes, Mr. Padfoot knows that. But Mr. Prongs has not considered Mr. Padfoot's favorite part of Quidditch.

Mr. Prongs wonders what that is.

Why, the after-party, of course.

Mr. Wormtail can't believe we didn't guess that.

Mr. Prongs agrees. Are you planning it this time, Padfoot?

Yeah. Are you guys up for a trip out to Honeydukes Friday night?

Mr. Prongs would be delighted.

As would Mr. Wormtail.

Moony? How about you?

Mr. Moony regrets to say that he will not being joining you Friday night. Hope you guys have fun though.

Why not?

Moony!

Mr. Moony won't even be at school this weekend.

What?!

No!

Why?

Mr. Prongs inquires as to where Mr. Moony will be.

Mr. Moony's mother is ill. He has to go home and care for her.

Mr. Wormtail has a strange sense of déjà vu from that statement.

Mr. Padfoot wants to bash his head on the desk at Mr. Wormtail's poor memory.

Mr. Prongs is hurt by Mr. Moony's lack of trust in his friends.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. We thought we were over this stage already.

Mr. Moony is puzzled as to what his friends are talking about.

Moony, it's okay. We know about your furry little problem.

Yeah. And the full moon isn't until Sunday night so you'll be fine. We can take it slow down the passage if you're feeling poorly.

What—Oh. Mr. Moony now understands what Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are on about.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't.

Mr. Padfoot really wants to bash his head on the desk.

Mr. Prongs asks that Mr. Wormtail remember first and second year. What was Mr. Moony's excuse at full moons for leaving us?

That he had to go home to see his mother because she was sick.

Please re-read the beginning of this conversation.

Ohhhh. Mr. Wormtail feels stupid now.

It's okay. Happens to the best of us.

Mr. Prongs assures Mr. Moony that he doesn't need to hide his secrets from them. That excuse doesn't work anymore.

Mr. Moony thinks his friends are jumping to conclusions.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't jump to conclusions.

Mr. Moony isn't even going to get into all the ways that statement is false.

Mr. Prongs is with Mr. Moony on this. Mr. Padfoot could win an award for his prowess at jumping to conclusions.

Mr. Moony would like to set his friends straight. His mother is actually ill. He's actually going home to see her this weekend.

Wait. What?

She's actually sick? That's not possible.

Mr. Moony is afraid to say that it is possible. It's serious. I'm going home to see her this weekend.

I'm Sirius.

Not funny, Padfoot. Not now.

Sorry, Moony.

It's fine. I leave Friday evening after classes are over.

Mr. Prongs wonders what Mr. Moony plans to do for the full moon.

Mr. Moony supposes he'll stay at home. There's a shed he uses to transform in during the summers.

Mr. Wormtail will miss Mr. Moony. He was looking forward to this month's adventure.

Mr. Moony was too. Sorry guys. I need to be with her.

Mr. Prongs offers his condolences. He'll miss Mr. Moony, but he understands that he needs to go. Hope your mum gets better.

Mr. Padfoot wonders is this is all some big ruse to hide the fact the Mr. Moony has a girlfriend—OW! What was that for?

Because you're in insensitive idiot, that's what.

Mr. Padfoot misses last year. Mr. Prongs was fun last year.

Mr. Moony is glad Mr. Prongs is showing some semblance of maturity. It's refreshing to not have to deal with idiocy all the time.

Mr. Padfoot takes offense to that.

Mr. Moony believes he has a point.

Mr. Padfoot has changed his mind. He's glad Mr. Moony is leaving. And he can take Mr. Prongs with him. He and Wormtail will have fun here without you.

Mr. Moony has no doubt they will.

Mr. Prongs highly doubts that Mr. Padfoot would want that. You'd miss us too much.

And Mr. Wormtail isn't sure he's up for the kind of fun Mr. Padfoot no doubt has in mind.

What kind of fun is that? The fun kind? Cause that's what I was thinking of.

No, the get girls kind.

Mr. Padfoot isn't going after guys with you if that's what you mean, Wormtail.

No! That's not what I meant. I meant that I don't really like parties. Or being in the middle of things.

See Padfoot? You'd be bored to tears without me.

Fine. You can stay.

Mr. Moony is glad because taking Prongs with him wasn't ever really an option.

Mr. Padfoot hopes Mr. Moony's transformation goes well without them there.

Yeah. Will you be alright, Moony?

I'll be fine. Thanks guys. Have fun at the game and the party.

We'll write!

Mr. Moony supposes you can if you like, but I'm only going to be gone for a few days.

Sniff. We'll miss you Mooooony! *sob* Hogwarts won't be the same without you! I don't know if I can take it!

Er, thanks Padfoot. I'll miss you too.

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Padfoot has let half the class go by without saying a single thing.

Mr. Padfoot is honestly amused enough to just watch Mr. Prongs for the moment.

Mr. Wormtail cannot comprehend how that would be amusing in the least.

Mr. Moony thinks that would be obvious. Mr. Prongs currently is the picture of a moon-struck fool.

Mr. Wormtail wonders where Mr. Moony has seen a moon-struck fool before. For comparison's sake.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Wormtail not to make ridiculous comments.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to poke Mr. Prongs. Maybe we can get him to talk to us.

Mr. Padfoot highly doubts that. Highly doubts.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't see the harm in trying.

Mr. Prongs wishes that his friends would leave him alone.

Mr. Moony is actually beginning to be rather concerned for Mr. Prongs. This behavior is so unusual for him.

Mr. Prongs feels higher than the clouds at the moment and begs that his friends let him remain that way.

Mr. Padfoot restrains himself from sighing loudly (and thus incurring McGonagall's wrath). He had thought Mr. Prongs was over this by now.

Mr. Wormtail now thinks that it is Mr. Padfoot who is being ridiculous. After all, Mr. Prongs has only been talking about this day for the past five years.

Mr. Padfoot supposes this is true.

Mr. Moony wonders if we should just let him go at it. Get it out of his system.

Mr. Padfoot isn't sure he would be able to handle that. It's going to be sickening.

Mr. Moony supposes that it is then fortunate that Mr. Padfoot is seated in the back of the room today.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. It means he doesn't have to watch out for McGonagall as closely.

Mr. Moony wasn't referring to that, but instead to Mr. Padfoot's close proximity to the trash bin.

Ah. Mr. Padfoot supposes that's a good thing too.

Mr. Wormtail is nervous. You're not seriously going to let Prongs do this, are you?

No, he's going to Siriusly let Prongs do this.

Shut up, Padfoot.

[two minutes later…]

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Padfoot to know that he thoroughly deserved that.

Mr. Prongs agrees.

Mr. Wormtail finds it amusing that Mr. Padfoot would tempt fate like that. Sure, you don't have to watch out for her.

Mr. Padfoot is annoyed. Siriusly. He writes her name and—

[and another minute…]

Mr. Padfoot now finds it imprudent to write anymore. Talk to you after class, boys. A week of detention is enough for me.

Mr. Moony rather thinks that Mr. Padfoot deserves the consequences of his actions.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't care if he deserved them or not. It was amusing to watch.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Prongs is paying attention to anything.

Mr. Prongs certainly isn't listening to the lesson, if that's what Mr. Moony was wondering.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if it would truly be beneficial to let Mr. Prongs go on this one. Really, will it change anything?

Mr. Moony hopes it will.

Mr. Prongs wouldn't mind.

That's what Mr. Wormtail was afraid of.

Mr. Moony supposes the only thing we can do is try and hope.

Mr. Wormtail reluctantly agrees. Very well.

Mr. Moony gives Mr. Prongs the go-ahead. Tell us all about everything in one go.

Mr. Prongs is still in slight denial… She came to him last evening, beautiful as ever. She asked for a word, nothing more—

Mr. Wormtail is in pain already.

Just shut up and let him go for it. He'll get it out of his system.

—I followed her out, out to that deserted corridor. She asked if I remembered our deal. Remembered? Does she not know that I cherish every word she says to me as a precious gem? That I sit up remembering her every movement late into the lonely night? She is the most beautiful of women. A star, radiant in the darkness—

Mr. Moony requests that Mr. Prongs get back on topic.

Right. She said that she had tried to be happy with it, but that she missed me. She was lonely without my constant presence at her side. Oh glorious rapture!

Please tell me he's not serious about this.

He's not Sirius. I am.

Mr. Moony is most upset that Mr. Padfoot is in one of these moods again.

Mr. Wormtail inquires whether or not Mr. Prongs is done yet.

Mr. Moony doesn't think he is.

—she admitted her love for me in that dank and dusty corridor, declaring that she had fallen despite herself—

Yeah, he's not done.

I thought you weren't writing so you don't get another detention.

Oh, right.

—of course I admitted my magnificent, joyous elation to her and we are now united by the bonds love and official relationship—

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that most school-age relationships fail…

Mr. Moony doesn't think that's helpful.

—my life is now a dream come true, a whole new world with fair maiden by my side—

Mr. Padfoot has grown quite tired of this.

Mr. Wormtail thinks he's going to be sick.

Mr. Moony is slightly amused. He didn't know Mr. Prongs was capable of such awful poetic elaboration.

Mr. Padfoot supposes that is because Mr. Moony has never had to read one of Prongs' letters to his dear Miss Evans.

Mr. Wormtail begs his fellow Messrs. to please do something about this. It's revolting.

Mr. Moony supposes we could show this sheet to Miss Evans. I suppose she would have something to say about it.

Mr. Padfoot considers that an excellent idea. I mean, look at the sheer cheesiness and arrogance displayed here… maybe she needs to see the real James Potter.

Nooooo!

What was that?

Mr. Prongs begs that this conversation be kept private.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why we should do such a thing.

Mr. Wormtail seconds that.

Fine. Mr. Prongs admits.

And what does he admit?

I was playing with you. I was being over-dramatic on purpose. I didn't quite mean… all of that. It was a melodramatic exaggeration. Sorry guys. Don't show Lily. I don't want her to dump me already!

Mr. Moony accepts the apology.

As does Mr. Padfoot. With this new confession he supposes it is rather funny.

Mr. Wormtail just hopes Mr. Prongs never does it again.

Mr. Prongs promises.

It occurs to Mr. Padfoot that he still doesn't know what "melodramatic" means.

Mr. Moony is tired of explaining. Go look it up on your own, Padfoot.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Padfoot is feeling positively dead.

Mr. Prongs suggests that he ought to go to bed.

Mr. Padfoot's feeling led to do something else instead.

Mr. Prongs wonders if this is due to a book he's read.

Mr. Padfoot wouldn't want to read. He'd rather go off to the side and bleed.

Of course he could always dress in tweed.

And drink all Rosmerta's mead.

That would cost another mouth to feed.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs aren't making any sense.

Mr. Padfoot would, but sense would cost him pence.

Mr. Prongs would have to speak in another tense.

About that Mr. Padfoot is riding the fence.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs to stop confusing our friend Wormtail.

Yes, indeed. He might have to puke in a pail.

At that rhyme you most certainly did fail.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't like that Mr. Prongs would his reputation derail.

Mr. Moony wishes Mr. Padfoot would at least be grammatically correct.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony should join a sect.

Yes, a sect for the grammatically correct.

You can't just reuse my last words.

But Mr. Padfoot wishes to fly up with the birds.

Mr. Prongs would go to see the world.

Mr. Padfoot would grasp it with his fingers curled.

Mr. Wormtail is most confused.

Mr. Padfoot wants to leave Snivelly bruised.

At that Mr. Prongs would be most amused.

Mr. Moony is not amused at all.

Mr. Padfoot can't help what harm might befall—

—poor old Snivelly once and for all.

Mr. Padfoot wouldn't hurt him much.

Just enough so he'd use a crutch.

Mr. Wormtail asks again what is going on.

(Mr. Prongs wishes to lie on a lawn.)

Mr. Moony is not enjoying this poetry.

Mr. Padfoot follows Mr. Prongs with loyalty.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think that rhymes.

What are you going to do, squirt me with limes?

Mr. Prongs believes Mr. Padfoot rather behind the times. It is so out of date to be squirted with limes.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it worthy of his crimes.

Crimes of being behind the times?

Indeed good sir.

Mr. Prongs thinks that the crimes might blur.

To his best friend's wisdom, Mr. Padfoot will defer.

Of course if such a pardon did occur—

Mr. Padfoot wouldn't bet his fur.

Mr. Wormtail is done with you two.

Mr. Prongs finds Mr. Wormtail's lack of patience true.

Mr. Padfoot wishes for something new.

Mr. Prongs might share his doodles.

Of which of course he must have oodles.

Oodles of doodles of poodles with noodles. We know.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony is starting to get this game.

Mr. Padfoot is glad that ignorant he did not remain.

Indeed for that would have been a shame.

Rhymes are Mr. Padfoot's claim to fame.

Without them, Mr. Prongs is sure he would not have a name.

They burst forth from Mr. Padfoot like a flame.

Without them Mr. Prongs is not quite the same.

Mr. Moony is quite sick of this.

But Mr. Padfoot is finding it all pure bliss.

If we stopped now, it Mr. Prongs would miss.

Mr. Padfoot wishes Mr. Moony would not their game diss.

Mr. Prongs can use this method to reminisce.

Alright. Stop rhyming! And I mean it!

(Anybody want a peanut?)

Chapter Text

The Gryffindor common room…

Mr. Moony is convinced this is a bad idea.

Mr. Wormtail is in complete agreement. This is a bad idea.

Come on guys! It will be fun.

Mr. Wormtail does suppose there's no going back now.

Mr. Moony thinks we could just ignore Mr. Padfoot.

Nooooooo! Don't leave me! I'll be lonely!

Mr. Wormtail won't leave. It's not like he has anything better to do with his Saturday night.

Mr. Padfoot knows someone who has something good to do with his Saturday night…

Who?

Prongs of course!

Oh, right.

Mr. Moony supposes he'll stay.

Mr. Padfoot had thought so.

Mr. Moony requests that Mr. Padfoot not begin his thought in the middle. We have no clue what you're talking about.

Mr. Padfoot knew Mr. Moony secretly desires to hear all about this date.

Mr. Moony certainly does not!

Yes you do. You just don't want to admit it. So you're going to act like Wormy and I are forcing you into this when you're really at perfect liberty to leave at any time.

Mr. Moony doesn't think Mr. Padfoot is making any sense at all.

Mr. Padfoot is too making sense. Mr. Moony just doesn't want to admit that I'm right.

Mr. Wormtail wishes Mr. Padfoot would get to the point of this venture rather than start more pointless arguments with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Moony would be happy not to argue with Mr. Padfoot anymore.

Mr. Padfoot obliges gladly.

Well?

Mr. Padfoot is sitting in the corner of The Three Broomsticks—

Mr. Wormtail wishes to applaud Mr. Prongs for his creativity.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Wormtail to be quiet. Do you want to hear or not?

Yes. Continue.

Anyway, Mr. Padfoot is about five feet away from our targets—

Mr. Moony wishes Mr. Padfoot wouldn't call Prongs and Lily "targets". We're not hunting them.

AHA! You said "we"! I was RIGHT!

Mr. Moony didn't mean it literally…

Mr. Wormtail inquires how else it could be meant.

Mr. Moony… never mind. Continue, Padfoot.

It seems that they're just eating and talking. Mr. Padfoot would get closer to them, but he fears they might hear the scratching of his quill and grow suspicious.

So you can't hear what they're saying?

Mr. Padfoot is sorry to say that, no, he cannot. They're sitting quite close together and talking quietly anyway, so moving closer might not even help. It would only get me caught.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot is a rather lousy stalker if he can only watch them from a distance.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think he's a stalker.

You're following them around under an invisibility cloak, Padfoot. You're stalking them.

No, I'm not.

Mr. Wormtail begs Mr. Padfoot to remember Prongs' behavior towards Miss Evans last year.

Yeah, I remember. What about it?

That was stalking. Therefore what you're doing now is stalking.

Ah. Fine. I'm stalking them. But who made Moony the stalking guru?

Mr. Moony doesn't know what Mr. Padfoot means by that.

Mr. Wormtail believes Mr. Padfoot doesn't believe Mr. Moony has the right to tell him he's a bad stalker.

Exactly.

Mr. Moony is just surprised that after talking non-stop about stalking them on a date ever since they got together, Mr. Padfoot would try harder to be able to hear them.

Mr. Wormtail supposes this is surprising.

Mr. Padfoot admits it. This isn't as exciting as I thought it would be.

Mr. Moony wants to go bang his head against a wall.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that sounds painful. He wishes Mr. Moony wouldn't.

Mr. Moony was expressing his exasperation. He's not actually going to bash his head on a wall.

Mr. Padfoot thinks he's going to head back up to the castle now.

Mr. Moony is preparing his "I told you so" for when Mr. Padfoot returns.

Mr. Padfoot asks Mr. Moony to keep it to himself. He's ashamed enough as it is.

Mr. Wormtail is going to bed. Good night. And thanks for the disappointing evening, Padfoot.

It wasn't my fault!

Mr. Moony is leaving as well. He does have homework to do.

I told you so.

What?

I told you so. I've beaten you to saying it. You're only leaving because I'm coming back. So there. You wanted to hear about Prongs' date.

You know what, Padfoot? Shut up.

Mr. Padfoot bids his friends goodnight. I'll be back in twenty or so.

…

Mr. Prongs would like to say that he and Lily found that exchange rather amusing. Just put the Cloak back where you found it, Padfoot.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Padfoot is finding himself to be lonely.

Mr. Prongs believes that is Mr. Padfoot's own fault.

Mr. Moony wonders how Mr. Wormtail is doing today.

Mr. Wormtail is doing fine, but wonders why Mr. Moony wants to know.

Mr. Padfoot finds Mr. Moony to be most unfair. He didn't even do anything this time!

Mr. Moony is being a good friend, Wormtail. Unlike some people.

Mr. Wormtail understands completely.

Mr. Padfoot is most puzzled. Why are you guys ignoring me? I haven't even done anything lately!

Mr. Prongs highly doubts that.

Mr. Moony is puzzled. It appears the parchment is malfunctioning.

That's not possible. Mr. Prongs is certain the parchment is incapable of malfunction. He enchanted it. He should know.

Well, Mr. Moony is seeing this odd scribbling showing up every so often…

HEY! Not nice, Moony.

See? There it is again.

Mr. Prongs is most puzzled by this occurrence. This isn't supposed to happen.

Not funny guys.

Mr. Wormtail is confused. Isn't it just Mr. Pa—oh! He's perplexed by these odd scribbles as well.

Mr. Padfoot senses something fishy going on here.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Prongs has started his essay for tomorrow's Muggle Studies class.

Mr. Prongs has not. He was actually, well, he'd better not say.

Mr. Moony has a bad feeling about Mr. Prongs' unfinished thought.

Mr. Wormtail thinks Mr. Prongs might as well just tell Mr. Moony now.

Guys? Are you going to listen to me yet?

Mr. Prongs doesn't really want to.

Mr. Wormtail points out that it would be best to tell him now, when he's on the other side of the room.

Guys?

Mr. Prongs supposes Mr. Wormtail has a point.

Mr. Moony has a very bad feeling indeed.

Guys?

Mr. Prongs assures Mr. Moony it's nothing bad.

Mr. Padfoot gives up. He's going to go talk to Marlene. She's nice to me.

Pssst. Marlene. Marleeeene. Hello? Marlene!

What is it Sirius? I'm busy.

Too busy for me?

Possibly.

You're mean too.

I'm kidding. What's up?

Mr. Prongs would like to declare that we are indeed brilliant.

Mr. Moony would like to agree with that statement. Though he does feel a tad bit sorry for Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs isn't sorry at all. This is hilarious. Especially because Padfoot's right—he didn't do anything this time.

Mr. Wormtail is confused. Aren't we still playing?

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Wormtail to observe: Mr. Padfoot is no longer reading this conversation. Therefore we can be open about our intentions.

Ah. Of course. Mr. Wormtail understands perfectly.

I'm sorry they're ignoring you.

Yeah. I don't even know why! I didn't do anything! I swear!

One second. Lily's sitting behind Remus. I have to ask her something.

Okay…?

AHA! I knew it.

Knew what?

They're ignoring you on purpose. Lily can see the parchment from here. They're just messing with you. You're right: you didn't do anything. They're just trying to make you think you did.

You're amazing. Did you know that?

Possibly.

I'm not sure that's the proper response…

Well, it's what you're getting.

Meet me outside after class? For a proper thank you?

I thought you'd never ask.

Mr. Padfoot has found you knaves out! He shall now ignore you as punishment.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot is doing a really good job with that.

Mr. Moony hopes Mr. Padfoot has fun. We certainly will.

Wait, are we not playing at all anymore?

No, Wormtail, we're not playing.

Mr. Moony is still waiting to hear about Mr. Prongs' essay.

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to say.

If Mr. Prongs won't, Mr. Wormtail will.

Mr. Prongs supposes he wouldn't mind Mr. Wormtail saying…

Prongs was planning to steal your essay tonight after you were asleep for "inspiration", Moony.

Mr. Moony is going to lock his essay in his trunk. And place protective hexes on it.

Mr. Prongs waves good-bye to his Muggle Studies grade as it plummets…

FINE. I GIVE UP.

Mr. Moony was wondering how long that would take.

Ignoring you guys is no fun.

Mr. Prongs believes Mr. Wormtail now owes him five sickles.

Mr. Wormtail grudgingly agrees that he does.

Mr. Padfoot is inclined to change his mind. He could always go back to ignoring you guys…

Mr. Prongs thought we just established that to be an ineffective threat.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees. Ignoring you guys is a perfect punishment.

You have fun with that.

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Prongs doesn't know about the rest of you, but he's excited for this weekend.

What's this weekend?

Mr. Moony seriously wonders where Mr. Wormtail would be without his friends.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't like to think of it.

Mr. Prongs is excited for the last Hogsmeade trip of the term, of course!

Mr. Moony is shocked he and Wormtail could have forgotten about this. He'd better think about what sort of Christmas shopping needs to be done…

Mr. Prongs should have known Mr. Moony could make this sort of topic boring.

Mr. Wormtail can't wait to get out of the castle for an afternoon. There is way too much work this year. We need a break.

Well, after Saturday we only have a week before the holidays, Wormy, so you'll be good.

Mr. Moony wonders if we have any plans to see each other over Christmas.

Mr. Prongs believes he extended an invitation to his place for New Years—

Mr. Moony believes Mr. Prongs forgot to mention it.

Oops.

Can Mr. Wormtail count that as an invitation then?

Yes, Wormtail, you can.

Mr. Moony wonders where Mr. Padfoot is. Isn't he supposed to be here by now?

He seems to be… late.

Mr. Prongs thanks Mr. Wormtail for stating the obvious.

Mr. Moony believes the question we should be asking is why is Mr. Padfoot late?

Mr. Prongs can say that he honestly has no idea.

Neither does Mr. Wormtail.

Hey guys! What did I miss?

Ah, Padfoot. We were just discussing your absence. Care to explain?

Mr. Prongs was nearly ready to send out a search party.

Mr. Moony wonders who Mr. Prongs was thinking would be included in this search party.

The three of us, of course.

Mr. Wormtail wouldn't go.

Neither would Mr. Moony. We can't just get up and leave class to search for our friend.

Mr. Prongs doesn't see any reason why not.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if you actually want to know why he was late. Or are you going to continue bickering?

Mr. Prongs wants to know.

So does Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Moony does as well. Continue, Padfoot.

So, there's this girl—

Oh , it's a girl .

Shut up Wormtail.

Yeah, let's stay on topic here.

Which girl are we discussing here, Padfoot?

I'm not entirely sure. I think I dated her… fifth year? Oh well. I hadn't seen her since we broke up until today.

Mr. Moony would like to point out that there's a problem when you can't even remember your past girlfriends, Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot is going to ignore that comment.

Mr. Wormtail is still waiting to find out what happened!

Anyway, Mr. Padfoot was walking to class like the innocent little cherub he is—

Mr. Wormtail finds that statement in particular amusing.

Hush, Wormtail. We know.

—and all of a sudden this girl comes up, screaming about me betraying her or something. Then she slapped me across the face!

Mr. Moony wonders what Mr. Padfoot ever did to deserve that.

Mr. Padfoot has no clue.

Mr. Wormtail thinks he can actually see a mark on Mr. Padfoot's cheek.

SHE LEFT A BRUISE?! What? Nooooooooooooo! My beautiful face! Scarred! Marred! Desecrated! Demeaned! Vaporized!

...and that just happened.

Mr. Moony really needs to get Mr. Padfoot a dictionary for Christmas. The only thing that's getting desecrated here is the English language.

You've got two weeks to find one, then.

Mr. Prongs thinks this is actually quite amusing. Have you ever been slapped before?

No. And I don't want to ever again. And it's not funny. It hurts.

Awww. Poor wittle Padfoot…

Shut up!

Does Mr. Padfoot have a boo-boo?

Shut up!

Mr. Moony supposes that now we need to find Marlene to kiss it better.

While Mr. Padfoot wouldn't mind his girlfriend kissing him repeatedly, no. It's not necessary. It doesn't hurt that much.

Mr. Prongs could always get Mr. Wormtail to kiss it better.

Hey!

Was that really necessary, Prongs?

Yes. It was payback for the chocolate.

Ah.

Dang it guys! Can't you just be nice to me?

Mr. Prongs doesn't feel like it.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why he's friends with Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony wonders that on a daily basis.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Miss McKinnon is aware of this incident.

Yeah. She was there. Saw the whole thing.

Mr. Moony would like to know what her response was.

She laughed at me.

Mr. Prongs thinks that Mr. Padfoot has acquired the most excellent girlfriend...

Mr. Padfoot is going to renounce his friendship with Mr. Prongs—

No, you're not. You'd miss me too much.

Mr. Padfoot doubts that.

Mr. Moony does feels a tad bit sorry for Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Padfoot thanks him. He'll happily be Mr. Moony's friend now.

Poor Mr. Prongs. His best mate doesn't love him anymore.

No! Not poor Mr. Prongs! Poor Mr. Padfoot!

Chapter Text

I heard the bells on Christmas day,

Their old familiar carols play.

And wild and sweet the words repeat,

Of peace on Earth, good will to men.

The Marauders' Annual Christmas Run-Down

Midnight, Christmas Day, 25 December 1977

Mr. Padfoot shall now recount the tale of his best Christmas in years.

Mr. Prongs shall join him (and not have a ridiculously long heading).

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that Mr. Prongs' header was indeed long.

Mr. Prongs resents that.

Anyway. On with the tale.

Yes. On with the tale.

Mr. Moony requests that that list of gifts be omitted from this year's recap of Christmas. He's tired and wants to go to bed sometime soon.

Mr. Wormtail seconds that motion.

Mr. Padfoot concedes. But be prepared for a full recitation at New Years'...

Mr. Moony can live with that. Please continue.

Mr. Prongs was woken this morning by some large, wet, and hairy flying at his poor innocent face.

Mr. Padfoot finds morning rolls in the snow amusing.

Nearly as amusing as I do. Not.

I know.

I hate you.

I know.

Mr. Moony requests that petty arguments be handled in person and not on the parchment.

That would work if Padfoot and I hadn't been sent to separate ends of the house for the night as punishment.

Mr. Wormtail has a bad feeling about this.

Mr. Moony agrees. Continue.

The morning continued in good Christmas cheer with presents and breakfast and a whole host of other lovely things.

Mr. Padfoot particularly enjoyed—

No presents, Padfoot.

I was going to mention Mrs. Potter's excellent coffee cake.

Mr. Moony supposes that's fine then.

It was heavenly. Seriously. I could eat that all that.

Mr. Prongs believes that Mr. Padfoot did indeed eat it all day. The afternoon went well. It wasn't until dinner that things started.

Mr. Wormtail has a really bad feeling about this.

Mr. Padfoot insists that it was all Mr. Prongs' fault. He had nothing to do with it.

Mr. Prongs resents that as well. It was your fault.

Was not.

Was too.

Was not.

Was too.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs to recall what he said about petty arguments.

Oops.

Mr. Padfoot isn't sorry.

Mr. Prongs is.

Isn't.

Is.

Isn't.

Is.

Mr. Moony feels the need to communicate his sigh.

Mr. Wormtail wishes it was his turn already.

Mr. Prongs does not regret informing him that it isn't.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Wormtail to wait his turn.

Mr. Prongs hates being separated like this.

Mr. Padfoot hates it too. Separated! Lost and alone! Without a friend for company.

Mr. Prongs misses Mr. Padfoot too.

Mr. Moony wonders when Mr. Padfoot is going to grow out of being a drama queen.

Mr. Padfoot resents that.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why he's even friends with all of you.

Mr. Prongs thinks that because you love us.

We still haven't heard why you two are separated.

We might have charmed dinner to do a tango over the table.

And might have spilled it everywhere in the process.

And turned it green.

And traumatized a few house elves.

Ah. I see. Mr. Moony believes it is now Mr. Wormtail's turn to tell about his Christmas. That is, if Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs are finished.

We're finished.

Yep. Done.

Mr. Wormtail had a good Christmas over all.

Mr. Prongs thinks that's very nice.

Mr. Wormtail begs his friends not to interrupt.

Of course.

Mr. Wormtail has a very enjoyable Christmas. For breakfast he ate French toast with maple syrup and some of them with strawberry syrup instead. He had three pieces of that French toast. There was also sausage and orange juice and coffee and he had some of the chocolate frogs he had gotten. He opened his presents—but he won't list them cause that was forbidden—and after that he ate lunch.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Mr. Wormtail is seriously going to list everything he ate.

Mr. Wormtail was going to, yes.

Mr. Prongs believes this to be a breach of the corollary to the no-listing-presents rule.

Mr. Moony would agree.

Mr. Wormtail is hurt.

Don't be. We just don't need to hear everything you ate today, Wormy.

If Mr. Wormtail is given leave to list his food, Mr. Padfoot wants to list his presents.

Mr. Wormtail does not want that under any circumstances.

Mr. Padfoot believes it to be settled then: we'll both list.

Or neither of you will.

What? Nooooo. Not cool, Moony.

Mr. Prongs is tired. He's going to sleep now.

Mr. Padfoot is sleepy too. Being punished is tiring work.

Mr. Moony isn't even going to point out the problems with that statement.

Good. Mr. Padfoot is too tired to listen. Later guys.

Mr. Wormtail thinks he can hear his parents coming to check on him. See you at New Years' Moony.

And just like every year, Mr. Moony finds himself alone on Christmas night, not yet having told about his holiday. For anyone who's wondering, I had a very nice Christmas. My mother is feeling better and we had a nice time together at home. The gifts and food were nice… I feel stupid talking to myself like this. Thanks for nothing, guys.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Prongs has lately been hit in the face with a bit of reality.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think that sounds good at all.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot could do with a good dose of reality.

Guys, it's seventh year.

We know this, Prongs. Did you hit your head somewhere and forget or something?

Mr. Wormtail thinks that sounds painful. And potentially dangerous.

No, I didn't hit my head. I just realized that we only have a few months left here at Hogwarts. Then we'll leave forever…

Oh. That is a sad thought.

Mr. Wormtail finds this very depressing indeed.

As does Mr. Moony. Hogwarts has been his—our—home. It will be awful to have to leave.

Mr. Prongs can't believe they've really spent seven years here. Seven years of mischief. That is quite an accomplishment if I do say so myself.

Mr. Padfoot believes us to be the best pranksters Hogwarts has ever seen or will see again.

Mr. Wormtail is in full agreement.

Mr. Moony is reluctant to admit that, yes, we have that title.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony is being incredibly boring today.

Just look at all the things we've done together. The Map, being animagi, the pranks…

Mr. Padfoot wonders if Mr. Prongs is able to recall a certain incident from third year.

Mr. Prongs might be able to. It depends on what this incident is.

Mr. Padfoot is referring to an abandoned project known as The Marauders' Book of Definitions.

Mr. Prongs does indeed remember Project: Dictionary.

Is this where the two of you tried to re-write the English language?

Mr. Padfoot maintains that we were improving English, not re-writing it.

Mr. Moony wonders why Mr. Padfoot is bringing this up now.

We were in the spirit of thinking about Hogwarts memories and Mr. Padfoot has thought of word they have not yet defined.

Mr. Prongs is interested. Is Mr. Padfoot suggesting that we create this definition now?

Mr. Moony has a bad feeling about this…

But of course, Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Moony doesn't even want to imagine how bored Mr. Padfoot must be if he's reverted back to third year. And really, it's only Charms class right now. You could pay attention. You like Charms.

Not when Flitwick gives a lecture on theory, we don't.

Well said, Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot confirms that whatever Mr. Moony is imagining pales in comparison to the true reality of Mr. Padfoot's boredom.

Mr. Prongs wishes that Mr. Padfoot would enlighten him to what exactly this definition-less word is.

Moony.

What is it now, Padfoot? I really don't have time to deal with you right now. I do need to pay attention in this class today.

Mr. Wormtail wonders who Mr. Moony thinks he's kidding. He has straight "O"s.

Mr. Moony only has straight "O"s because he pays attention in class. That is, when his fellow idiots aren't set on conversation.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that Mr. Moony just called himself an idiot. And he wasn't trying to get Mr. Moony's attention. He was giving Mr. Prongs the word to define: Moony.

Mr. Moony has a really bad feeling about this.

Mr. Prongs believes that it would be apt to add the first line to our definition now.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. What's your suggestion, Prongs?

"Moony": [noun] a wizard with the following characteristics: overly studious…

Mr. Moony would like to point out that if he didn't study, Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs wouldn't be seventh years. They'd be first years.

Mr. Prongs resents that. Surely his brilliance would have gotten him at least to third year by now.

Mr. Wormtail freely admits that he's be a first year without Mr. Moony.

Anyway, on with the definition.

Right. The definition.

Let's see… overly studious, wolf-like tendencies sometimes more so than others…

Mr. Moony can't quibble with that one.

Mr. Prongs would like to add "unnecessarily cautious" to the list.

Ah, yes, excellent.

Mr. Moony—

You know, Moony. Your commentary is not necessary for the creation of this definition.

Mr. Moony is sadly aware that's the case here.

Then Mr. Padfoot finds it only logical that Mr. Moony would choose silence here as the best option.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't see any use fighting it.

Neither does Mr. Moony. Carry on then.

Mr. Padfoot has another one: excellent dancer.

Mr. Prongs agrees wholeheartedly.

Mr. Wormtail is confused. What are you talking about?

Mr. Moony thought we all agreed never to mention that incident again.

Mr. Padfoot forgot.

Somehow I doubt that.

Okay, I didn't forget, but it fits the definition!

Mr. Moony declares this definition finished and to be tossed away for breach in secrecy.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think that's fair at all.

Mr. Moony thinks it's quite fair.

If we're going to bring up the dancing incident, Mr. Prongs thinks it's only fair to mention that Mr. Padfoot crashed his motorbike into my pond last summer…

Mr. Padfoot questions Mr. Prongs' sole ownership of said pond.

Mr. Prongs thinks that remark is totally off topic. If we're going to tease Moony about dancing, we're going to tease you about crashing.

Mr. Padfoot would—never mind.

Mr. Moony doesn't think he's ever been more grateful to hear the bell at the end of class.

You can say that again. I thought they were going to start on me next.

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Moony has had enough. This is the last time. From now on Mr. Padfoot is doing all his rounds.

Mr. Padfoot thinks this is unreasonable. Cruel and unusual conviction. (Did I get the phrase right?)

No. It's "cruel and unusual punishment". And it's written on the board, Padfoot. Seriously?

You mean Siri—

No. Just no.

This class is hard for Mr. Padfoot. He isn't good at muggle stuff.

Mr. Moony had hoped that even Mr. Padfoot would be able to read off the board. And since when was Mr. Padfoot not the advocate of all muggle things that might shock his parents?

Mr. Wormtail is glad because he doesn't struggle in this class.

Mr. Padfoot suspects it's the only class of that sort for Mr. Wormtail.

Hey!

Mr. Prongs believes that comment was uncalled for. Please don't take your irritation with Moony out on Wormtail.

Anyway, back to my original complaint please.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't wish to discuss this now. Can't it wait until later?

Nope.

Mr. Prongs is still unsure exactly what Mr. Padfoot has done. I mean, I've got my theories, but care to explain?

Mr. Moony walked in on Mr. Padfoot and his girlfriend in a broom closet for the last time last night. It was disturbing and if I wasn't scarred before, I am now.

Mr. Wormtail is rather puzzled. Why is this such a scarring experience? It's not like we don't all share a dorm with Mr. Padfoot.

Yes, but Mr. Moony does not share a dorm with Miss McKinnon. Neither does he want to see… I don't think I can bring myself to voice it.

Mr. Padfoot is sorry.

No you're not.

Yeah. I'm not. But I was trying to be nice and sensitive there.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think it counts as "nice and sensitive" unless you actually mean it…

Mr. Padfoot still refuses to do Mr. Moony's rounds.

Mr. Moony thinks it's only fair. Then I won't be scarred for life again and you can pay for your crimes.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't have time to do rounds. He's a very busy man.

With what? Exploding Snap?

Who's side are you on here, Wormtail?

No one's?

Mr. Prongs believes that to be a wise decision, Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot has better things to do than patrol the corridors. He doesn't even understand why Mr. Moony does it. It's pointless. Unless you want to walk in on—

Mr. Moony wonders what sort of "better things" Mr. Padfoot has to do. He doubts they're actually better.

Well, spending more time with Marlene for one…

Mr. Prongs doesn't think that comment helped Mr. Padfoot's situation at all.

Mr. Moony knows it didn't.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't particularly care. He's not doing Moony's patrols. There's a reason he's not a prefect.

Yes, there is. And it's because I keep finding you and your girlfriend in compromising positions all over the castle!

Mr. Padfoot doesn't see why his lack of responsibility means he should have more.

Neither does Mr. Wormtail actually.

Thank you Wormtail! Finally some support!

Mr. Moony would like to point out that he is likely to actually get work done during this time when he would otherwise be patrolling.

So is Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs find that remark irresistibly hilarious. And bogus.

Mr. Padfoot is hurt by the lack of confidence.

Mr. Wormtail has confidence in Mr. Padfoot.

He does?

Not really. Kinda. Actually, you'd snog Marlene and not do work.

Mr. Padfoot supposes that he has to admit that Mr. Wormtail is correct.

Exactly. Therefore you should do my rounds.

Nope.

Mr. Prongs would like to express his boredom with this topic. Haven't we discussed this plenty of times already?

Obviously not. It's still happening!

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs. Mr. Moony ought to express his displeasure to Mr. Padfoot where the rest of us don't have to hear it.

Maybe Mr. Padfoot should stop snogging his girlfriend all over the castle for Mr. Moony to find.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't believe that's possible.

Of course it's possible. Just find somewhere else to snog her!

Where? The forbidden forest? You've complained everywhere else. The castle. The broom closets. The dorm room. The Room of Requirement. The Quidditch Pitch. Even the Shrieking Shack!

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that snogging in the Shrieking Shack is a really awful idea.

Especially on the full moon.

Thank you for that contribution, Wormtail. It was really necessary.

Mr. Moony sees that as Mr. Padfoot's problem, not his.

Mr. Prongs rather thinks that Mr. Moony isn't getting anywhere with this argument. Can't we just let it go?

Yeah. Let it go.

Mr. Moony objects. This is a serious issue!

A Sirius issue?

Shut up!

No. Just no.

Oh dear…

Mr. Padfoot feels unloved…

Mr. Wormtail suggests he talk to Marlene. She seems to like you plenty.

Mr. Prongs wonders if we're still going to fight the losing battle about Mr. Moony's rounds or if we can be done already.

Mr. Moony supposes we can be done. But mark my words, Prongs. One day you'll regret allowing him to continue this.

Mr. Prongs doubts it.

Chapter Text

In Defense Against the Dark Arts…

Mr. Wormtail wonders what Mr. Padfoot has against Peter Pan.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't know what Mr. Wormtail is talking about.

Mr. Moony finds that hard to believe.

Mr. Padfoot wishes Mr. Moony wouldn't be so sarcastic.

Mr. Moony wasn't being sarcastic. He was merely appalled by Mr. Padfoot's treatment of that book.

Mr. Wormtail agrees. What did it ever do to you?

What are you guys talking about?

It looks like you attacked it with a jar of ink!

Oh. Mr. Padfoot doesn't have anything in particular against it. He just doesn't want to do work.

So that means you can deface it?

Mr. Padfoot isn't even going to argue this with Mr. Moony. He knows how it will end.

What, with me winning?

Proooongs! Moony's being mean!

Mr. Wormtail doesn't think Mr. Prongs is paying us any attention.

Mr. Moony asks that Mr. Wormtail nudge Mr. Prongs. Maybe he's just lost in thought.

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to talk.

Oh.

Why not?

Mr. Prongs just isn't in the mood.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what's wrong. It's unusual that Mr. Prongs isn't in the mood for fun.

Mr. Moony is for once in agreement with Mr. Padfoot. This is unusual. What's going on, mate?

Mr. Wormtail wonders if the worst has happened.

The worst?

You know… a breakup…

Wha— OH. Noooooo! Tell me it's not true, Prongs! Tell me it's not true! Don't take us back to the place of eternal moping and longing!

What? No! Lily and I are fine!

Mr. Padfoot is very relived.

Mr. Moony would be more relieved if he wasn't once again disgusted with Mr. Padfoot's tendency for drama.

Mr. Padfoot is deliberately choosing to ignore that comment.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Prongs is upset if it isn't about him and Lily.

Mr. Prongs wonders if any of his friends bothered to read the Prophet this morning.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't read the paper. It's too depressing. It hurts my naturally sunny disposition.

Mr. Moony doesn't have money to order the paper.

Mr. Padfoot points out that it wouldn't be difficult for Mr. Moony to borrow a paper if he was truly interested.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to be quiet.

And Mr. Wormtail doesn't read the paper either.

Then I guess you wouldn't have heard.

Heard what?

Just tell us, Prongs. You're acting strange. It's scary.

There was another Death Eater attack this last night.

Oh.

What happened?

Six muggles dead, a few wizards injured. No sign of the attackers. No suspects. They were in and out before the DMLE could get there.

Wow.

Yeah…

Mr. Padfoot doesn't feel in the mood for fun anymore.

No kidding.

Anyone we know?

Mr. Prongs doesn't believe so, but still… six dead.

Yeah.

Do you… do you…

What is it, Wormy?

Do you think it will come to full-out war?

Mr. Padfoot was under the impression that we already were at war.

Technically, yes. But Mr. Moony believes Mr. Wormtail was referring to the fact that the Ministry doesn't seem to be doing much about that.

True.

I don't know, Wormy. I don't know.

Mr. Moony believes there's nothing we can do but hope it doesn't come to that. There would only be more attacks, more death.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't like the sound of war.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think it will come to that.

Why not?

Well, I don't reckon it would be in Voldemort's best interests to wage full out war. He's doing just fine without engaging us directly. Why change tactics if he doesn't have to?

Mr. Moony supposes Mr. Padfoot does have a point.

Mr. Wormtail wishes Mr. Padfoot wouldn't use that name.

Mr. Padfoot will use Voldemort's name if he wants to. He's not afraid. It's just a name.

Mr. Prongs will fight though. If it comes to war, that is.

As will Mr. Padfoot. Anything to make up for the damage my family has done. And will do.

You're not one of them Padfoot.

Yeah, you're a Marauder. You're better than them. We're your family now.

Thanks guys.

…

…

Ummmm… Mr. Padfoot suggests a change in topic.

Yeah. Good talk guys. Let's move on now.

Mr. Prongs is in complete agreement. This is too depressing for class.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if we'd like to pull some sort of caper off this weekend.

Mr. Moony wonders what Mr. Wormtail has in mind.

Mr. Wormtail didn't have anything in mind. But we ought to do something.

Mr. Padfoot actually had an idea involving this muggle invention he recently discovered…

Mr. Moony has a very, very bad feeling about this.

It's nothing bad!

Mr. Prongs doubts that very much.

As does Mr. Wormtail.

Whatever guys. It's awesome. There's this stuff called silly string…

Chapter Text

In Potions…

Mr. Padfoot is most excited for Potions class today.

Mr. Prongs is most annoyed at how chipper Mr. Padfoot is today.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Prongs has been in such a bad mood lately.

Mr. Prongs hasn't been in a bad mood all the time. He just doesn't want to do Potions today.

Mr. Moony would like to inquire as to why Mr. Padfoot is so excited.

Because I get to work with yoooouu, Moony!

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that we're all working together today.

Mr. Prongs nearly cannot fathom why Professor Slughorn ever let this happen.

Let what happen?

Us four working together. It's a disaster waiting to happen.

Less of a disaster for us and more for Snivelly.

Actually, no.

Mr. Padfoot is confused. Why not?

Mr. Prongs… uh… I… Lily asked me not to!

Mr. Padfoot demands to know why Miss Evans has taken leave of her senses.

Mr. Moony is amused by the level to which Miss Evans has Mr. Prongs wrapped around her little finger.

Mr. Prongs would rather that his friends not comment on his undying love for Miss Evans.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that after years of pining we have every right to comment.

Mr. Moony will restrain himself to poorly hidden snickers.

Mr. Prongs doesn't find that reaction any better than commentary, Moony!

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that Slughorn is looking this way.

Quick Moony! Do something! Make us look busy!

What do you mean?

We need to look like we're working here! Give Prongs and Wormtail some instructions!

Mr. Moony is most troubled that Mr. Padfoot is laboring under delusions.

Mr. Wormtail has a bad feeling about this.

Mr. Padfoot denies that he is delusional.

Mr. Prongs begs pardon while he goes off to laugh…

Mr. Padfoot finds Mr. Prongs' laughter offensive. And he would like to know why Mr. Moony thinks he's delusional.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Padfoot has delusions that he won't have to do work in class today.

Mr. Padfoot is surprised and dismayed to hear that.

My point exactly.

Mr. Prongs is confused. Why did Mr. Padfoot think he wouldn't work in class today?

Mr. Padfoot doesn't want to do work.

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to do work either, but that doesn't mean he won't. We do still have to pass this class.

Mr. Padfoot is amazed at how thick Mr. Prongs can be sometimes.

Mr. Prongs is rather offended by that comment.

Mr. Wormtail would like to add that he has no clue what Mr. Padfoot is talking about either.

Mr. Moony begs to know what Mr. Padfoot is talking about.

Of course Mr. Padfoot is talking about the fact that we have Moony in our group.

Yes, Padfoot. We do. Excellent observation skills.

So?

Mr. Moony has just guessed what this is all about.

Come on guys! It's simple. Moony's going to do all the work and we're going to pass.

And Mr. Padfoot is once again the winner of the award for being tactless and idiotic.

Well, Mr. Moony is insensitive and stuck up.

And now Mr. Padfoot is insulting and—Wait. No. I'm not going down into this with you.

Going down into what?

Mr. Moony refuses to engage in a petty insult war with Mr. Padfoot. He has better things to do.

Like do all our Potions work?

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot would be well-advised to cease this now before he gets hexed…

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs is paranoid. I'll be fine!

You know what? Mr. Moony has an idea.

And what is that?

How about Mr. Padfoot, Mr. Wormtail, and Mr. Prongs do the work and I'll sit back and enjoy myself?

Mr. Prongs is shocked that Mr. Moony is willing to commit academic suicide in such a manner.

My overall grade can handle one low scores. Yours, unfortunately, cannot.

Mr. Padfoot wonders how we would even go about such a thing.

Well, maybe you should read the book.

READ?! Why would we want to do that?

Mr. Prongs thinks that maybe Mr. Moony has a point. Reading what we're supposed to do would help.

Mr. Padfoot thinks this is a preposterous idea. He will not besmirch himself by reading—

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Padfoot stop before he say something truly hex-worthy. Time is ticking, boys. You'd better start reading.

Mr. Wormtail wishes Mr. Moony would dispose of that smug grin and get his feet off the table. We're trying to read here.

Key word being "trying".

Mr. Prongs is finding this most boring.

As is Mr. Padfoot. Please help Moony?

Nope.

Why not? Please?

You've insulted me and I'm really not in the mood. Anyways, it's fun to watch.

Mr. Padfoot hates it when Mr. Moony decides to be particularly Marauder-ish.

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Padfoot shut up and start reading. Remember, I can have you in the Hospital Wing for a week with a single flick of my wrist and no one will ever believe it was me.

Mr. Padfoot is terrified.

You should be.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Prongs is most confused.

Mr. Moony is sorry to hear that.

If it confuses Mr. Prongs, it will most likely confuse Mr. Wormtail as well.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why this is.

Mr. Prongs thinks Miss Evans is mad at him.

Mr. Moony finds that hard to believe. You two have been all over each other for months.

Mr. Padfoot thought Mr. Prongs would actually be in Miss Evans' good graces today.

As did Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Moony is puzzled why Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Wormtail would think that.

Well, yesterday was Valentine's Day. Certainly Miss Evans would be pleased with your date yesterday.

Especially because it was illegal.

Mr. Prongs thinks the illegality of it might be the problem.

Mr. Moony doesn't see why. It was a Sunday. Sneaking off to Hogsmeade isn't that bad. And you guys seemed to be enjoying yourselves when you returned.

Mr. Padfoot thinks 'enjoying yourselves' is an understatement.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

How so?

Mr. Wormtail wonders if Mr. Moony actually saw Mr. Prongs and Miss Evans when they returned.

Mr. Moony admits that he only did from a distance in the corridor.

Ah. Then you didn't see them in the common room?

No.

Mr. Wormtail would like to say that watching Mr. Prongs and Miss Evans is worse than Mr. Padfoot and Miss McKinnon.

Oh. Mr. Moony is now very glad he didn't see.

Mr. Prongs admits that she was fine last night. But this morning she was all upset about something. I have no clue what happened!

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that sometimes it's just impossible to understand girls. Perhaps Mr. Prongs is trying pointlessly.

Mr. Moony yet again wonders why Miss McKinnon is dating this idiot.

Mr. Wormtail believes we ought to tell Miss McKinnon he said that.

Go ahead. I got it from her last time I was trying to help. She told me to stop trying to understand and just kiss her. It worked.

Mr. Prongs believes that probably wasn't something that can be generalized for all situations and all women.

Mr. Moony can now see one good thing about our coming graduation.

What's that?

I won't have to deal with your girl troubles on a regular basis.

Mr. Padfoot will happily follow Mr. Moony around with his girl troubles for the rest of time.

Mr. Moony wishes he wouldn't.

Mr. Prongs wonders if his friends have any clue what's up with Lily.

Mr. Moony sadly doesn't think we do.

Sorry mate. Handling one girl is difficult enough.

What? Don't look at me!

Later, in Defense Against the Dark Arts…

Guys, I'm really, really confused now.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what could have possibly happened in the two minutes we left you guys alone together.

Mr. Wormtail commends Miss Evans on her ability to quickly amplify confusion.

Mr. Moony asks Mr. Prongs to please elaborate.

Well, after you guys left us, we were talking, and all of a sudden she slaps me across the face!

Mr. Wormtail doesn't think that was very nice of her.

That's not all though. I'd barely had time to react and then she grabs me and snogs me right there in the middle of the corridor!

Wow.

Yeah.

Mr. Moony isn't sure what to make of that.

Mr. Prongs really has no clue what's going on.

Mr. Padfoot can't help. He's very confused as well.

Mr. Wormtail thinks perhaps it would help to tell us what you were talking about before she… uh… you know.

Well, I asked if she was upset with me and she asked why I would think that. I said she wasn't talking to me this morning and I was worried I'd done something to upset her.

Mr. Moony thinks that all sounds pretty harmless.

Mr. Padfoot is quite certain she enjoyed the date, Prongs. At least, she enjoyed the post-date. The whole common room saw her enjoying the post-date. I think you guys scarred some first years.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think it was that bad.

Mr. Wormtail must disagree. It most certainly was that bad.

Mr. Moony wonders if there was anymore to the conversation.

Yeah. She said she was fine and why wouldn't she be. I said that I was just wondering because she looked terrible this morning. Then she slapped me, kissed me, said "You care", and ran off to class.

Mr. Padfoot has no clue what to make of that.

Neither does Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Moony is confused as well. This is why having a girlfriend is a task only to be taken on if she's really worth it.

Mr. Prongs knows Miss Evans is worth it all right.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that would be evident from last night.

Mr. Prongs finds Mr. Padfoot's shallow thinking amusing.

How so? What shallow thinking? I do not think shallowly!

I may enjoy kissing Lily quite a lot, but that doesn't even scratch the surface of why she's so absolutely perfect.

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

I told you so.

You said that already, Moony.

Mr. Moony is well aware that he has begun to repeat himself, but he feels it's worth the repetition.

Mr. Prongs disagrees.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs is just bitter that Mr. Moony was right.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that Mr. Padfoot could have done something to change that.

Yeah. I could have. But I didn't.

Dingbat.

Mr. Wormtail wishes he weren't so confused all the time.

Mr. Padfoot is sure you would be generally much less confused if you paid attention during breakfast.

Mr. Wormtail has better things to do during breakfast than to listen to all of you.

Mr. Moony wonders why it isn't possible to eat and listen at the same time.

I dunno. It just isn't. But will you guys just tell me what's going on already?

Mr. Padfoot had some fun with Miss McKinnon last night in a broom closet and Mr. Prongs and Miss Evans walked in on it during their patrols.

What—Ohhh.

Mr. Prongs was not happy about this at all.

Mr. Wormtail wouldn't think so.

Neither was Lily.

Mr. Padfoot knows she wasn't happy alright.

Mr. Moony doesn't believe he heard this part.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't really wish to recall it.

By that Mr. Padfoot means that Miss Evans hexed him repeatedly while Miss MicKinnon and I stood by watching.

Mr. Padfoot was letting her win.

Suuuure. We'll go with that.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why Mr. Padfoot and Miss McKinnon haven't yet found a new place to snog besides broom closets.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think there is a better place.

Mr. Wormtail would think it would be better not to be interrupted.

Mr. Padfoot supposes so.

Mr. Prongs wishes Mr. Padfoot had come to this conclusion several days ago.

I said I was sorry.

No you didn't.

I didn't?

Nope.

I'm sorry then.

For?

Really?

Yes.

I'm sorry for traumatizing you and Evans with more than either of you ever wanted to see of me and my girlfriend last night because we were really having a whole lot of fun but it ruined your night. I'm also sorry that you didn't come several minutes later because then your reaction would have been really funny.

Mr. Prongs isn't sure what to make of that.

Mr. Moony thinks he knows what Mr. Padfoot means, but isn't certain he wants confirmation of it.

Mr. Wormtail finds this conversation really, really awkward. He wonders what everyone thinks of Gryffindor's chances for the House Cup this year.

Mr. Prongs believes that all depends on Quidditch. If we can beat Ravenclaw with a… fifty point spread, then it's in the bag.

Mr. Moony doesn't know about Quidditch, but he does know that if we get caught out after hours again, all our chances are shot.

Mr. Padfoot supposes we just won't get caught then.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot just did get caught. With Miss McKinnon. I ought to turn both of you in though.

And we're back here again.

Noooooooooooooo. Please don't!

Mr. Prongs would if he didn't know it would get points taken off from the whole House. They don't deserve to pay for your stupidity.

And does Evans agree?

Yes.

Mr. Moony would like to return to the part where he was gloating.

Mr. Prongs wonders when Mr. Moony will just give it up. So you warned us and we still walked in on Padfoot. So what?

I won't give it up. I was right. You didn't listen.

Awwwww, look Prongs! We're rubbing off on him!

Mr. Prongs considers that we indeed are. After all, sixth-year Moony wouldn't have gloated like this.

Don't try to turn this into a victory. You're not rubbing off on me.

Mr. Padfoot seriously doubts that.

As does Mr. Prongs.

Siriusly.

Was that really necessary, Padfoot?

Sorry.

Mr. Wormtail. Really would like to go back to their previous discussion of the House Cup.

Mr. Prongs thinks we should go back to Mr. Moony's original idea.

What's that?

Mr. Moony believes Mr. Prongs is referring to the idea where Mr. Padfoot does his and Mr. Prongs' rounds as punishment for making us see that.

I didn't make you!

You could have found somewhere else.

No! Please! I don't deserve this! Anything! I'll do anything!

Excellent.

Mr. Prongs would like to cordially inform Mr. Padfoot that he will be covering rounds tonight from 9pm until midnight. Any resistance will be met with force.

Actually, are you certain this is a good idea, Prongs?

Nope.

Yes. I am. Your sentence has been given, Padfoot.

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Padfoot has an idea.

Mr. Wormtail has a bad feeling about this.

Mr. Prongs agrees. Mr. Padfoot's last idea in Charms class didn't end well.

Mr. Padfoot can't recall what exactly his last idea was.

Mr. Moony believes that was when we were all put in detention for three weeks for "serious destruction to the castle and fellow students".

Was that the exploding teapot incident?

Ohhhh yeah… Mr. Padfoot had forgotten about that.

Mr. Prongs is surprised. You certainly complained enough about it at the time.

Mr. Padfoot prides himself in his ability to live in the moment.

Mr. Moony doesn't even know what to say to that.

Mr. Prongs suggests that we just pretend that remark never happened.

Mr. Wormtail wishes Mr. Padfoot would not be quite so stuck up.

That's not possible.

What he said.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think that this amount of abuse is warranted. I only said I had an idea…

Mr. Prongs doesn't really want to hear this idea. It won't end well.

Mr. Padfoot supposes this is because Mr. Prongs knows how irresistible Mr. Padfoot's ideas are.

Mr. Moony scoffs at the thought.

Actually, Mr. Prongs would agree with that.

What?!

Mr. Prongs doesn't want to hear the idea because he really doesn't want to be tempted into detention right now. His time with Lily is limited enough as is.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that it is not detention that you would be getting into, just fun. Detention might be an unfortunate side-effect, but is not the main attraction.

Mr. Wormtail's curiosity is getting the best of him. What is this idea?

Mr. Padfoot suggests that we play a story-telling game.

Mr. Prongs is confused. What is the nature of this game?

Mr. Wormtail likes games.

Thank you for the insightful comment, Wormtail.

Padfoot, be nice.

I suppose you're opposed to this game, Moony?

As a matter of fact, possibly not.

Mr. Prongs is shocked.

So is Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot confesses that he is shocked as well. Why not, Moony?

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Padfoot not push his luck and just accept my curiosity, okay?

Okay! Okay! Mr. Padfoot is accepting.

Mr. Prongs' interest is even stronger than before now that Mr. Moony is also interested.

The game works like this. One of us starts a story and then we go around one at a time and each add a line.

Mr. Wormtail isn't sure how that will make a very good story.

Mr. Prongs suspects that disaster is the point.

Mr. Padfoot does enjoy disaster.

We know.

Do you not enjoy my love of disaster, Moony dear?

Don't call me that. And no. Usually it's… disastrous.

Mr. Prongs believes that's kinda the point.

Mr. Moony apologizes. He's not feeling very eloquent today.

Mr. Padfoot suggests that we begin the game. The class is almost over already.

Mr. Wormtail is in agreement.

Who will start?

Moony.

Why me?

Cause you're least likely to make it strange and creepy.

Mr. Prongs sees the point there.

Mr. Wormtail wanted to be offended by that, but then he realized that Mr. Padfoot was correct.

Mr. Moony wonders not for the first time why he hangs out with you all.

Mr. Padfoot asks that Mr. Moony just start the story.

Alright then. Once upon a time in a far off land, a little boy screamed.

Oooh. That's a good beginning.

Don't break the story, Padfoot!

Right. My turn: He was scared because he had just found a boggart in his closet. Now you Prongs.

Why do I have to go last?

Because I said so. Go Prongs.

Mr. Prongs is no good at storytelling.

Too bad.

Fine: The boggart had turned into the one thing that scared him most.

Obviously.

Sush Moony. This is harder than it looks.

Your turn Wormtail.

The boy's mother came running and banished the boggart with a wave of her wand.

Mr. Padfoot is most upset that we don't hear what the boggart was.

Mr. Prongs suggests Mr. Padfoot just tell this story if he's going to be picky about what's in it.

Mr. Moony thinks Mr. Wormtail just vanished our plot.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. You guys stink at this.

Hey! I had a good beginning!

Mr. Wormtail begs that we not be forced into this game ever again.

Mr. Prongs concurs.

Mr. Padfoot is most upset you guys ruined my game.

Mr. Prongs thinks you should pick a better game next time.

Mr. Padfoot will then.

Good.

Good.

Chapter Text

In Muggle Studies…

Mr. Wormtail finds himself with news to share.

Mr. Padfoot is most interested.

Mr. Prongs is also intrigued. It is rare for Mr. Wormtail to have news.

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Wormtail hurry up and tell before Mr. Padfoot and Mr. Prongs begin to rampantly speculate.

Mr. Padfoot objects. Prongs and I do not rampantly speculate.

Mr. Prongs doesn't know what universe Mr. Padfoot is living in, but in the real one, yes we do rampantly speculate.

My universe is lovely and comfortable and I am king of it.

Mr. Moony always suspected such.

Mr. Prongs isn't sure why he's friends with Mr. Padfoot sometimes.

Mr. Padfoot thinks it's true love.

Mr. Moony suggests that Mr. Wormtail go ahead and share. These two will get off topic no matter what.

Ahem. Mr. Wormtail would like to announce that he has a girlfriend.

WHAT?!

When did this happen?

Mr. Padfoot is now convinced the world is ending. The impossible has happened and is tearing at the very fabric of the universe as we know it. Soon all life on this dear sweet earth will vanish—

Mr. Moony thinks the melodrama gets worse by the day.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that he knows what that word means now.

I'm so proud.

Mr. Prongs would like to return to the matter at hand. (And point out exactly how often one of us has to say that.)

Mr. Padfoot considers himself a master of distraction.

No kidding.

Mr. Moony would like to know who Mr. Wormtail's girlfriend is.

Her name is Kate Atterbury. She's a Hufflepuff fifth year.

Mr. Moony thinks that's great. I wish you luck.

Mr. Padfoot asks permission to prank her.

Some days Mr. Prongs wishes Mr. Padfoot would grow up a tad bit. It's getting ridiculous.

Mr. Padfoot finds Mr. Prongs' newfound maturity ridiculous and blames Miss Evans.

Mr. Prongs supposes Mr. Padfoot's blame is well placed.

Mr. Padfoot shall prank both Evans and Miss Atterbury then.

Mr. Prongs advises against this if Mr. Padfoot values his life.

Mr. Wormtail concurs.

Mr. Padfoot relents. He won't prank them. But you two better watch your backs…

Mr. Prongs would like to remind Mr. Padfoot of the rule about not pranking fellow Marauders.

Mr. Padfoot thought that rule was suspended.

Mr. Moony believes the suspension was solely for the purpose of April Fools' Day last week.

It was never reinstated.

Consider it reinstated as of now, then.

Mr. Padfoot finds Mr. Moony to be no fun.

Mr. Wormtail would like to add that he and his girlfriend would like to borrow the Map and Cloak on Saturday for a date.

Mr. Prongs would be fine with that. Just don't misplace it. I don't have invisibility cloaks coming out of my ears, you know.

Mr. Padfoot finds that to be a rather hilarious mental image… one moment…

Mr. Prongs has a bad feeling about this. What's he doing, Moony?

I… It's hard to tell, but I think he's drawing you with cloaks streaming out your ears, Prongs.

Mr. Prongs demands that the image be destroyed before leaving the classroom. He doesn't want that plastered all over the school—NO PADFOOT DON'T YOU DARE.

Too late.

[a minute later]

Mr. Prongs didn't find that funny at all.

Mr. Padfoot did.

Mr. Moony actually must say, it was rather hilarious.

Mr. Prongs doesn't like any of you. Now Lily's going to tease me about that picture for months.

What about me? I didn't even do anything!

Mr. Prongs supposes he still likes Mr. Wormtail.

Something has just occurred to Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony has a bad feeling about this.

Judging from the look on Padfoot's face, Mr. Prongs would think Mr. Moony is justified in that.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that now Mr. Moony is the only Marauder without a girlfriend.

Oh no…

Mr. Prongs supposes Mr. Padfoot is right.

Please. Guys. Don't.

Mr. Wormtail finds this to be a deficiency.

This isn't funny.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. Mr. Moony needs a girlfriend.

We've been over this, guys.

Mr. Prongs likes the way Mr. Padfoot's mind works.

Mr. Moony would like to remind everyone about his determination not to date a girl Mr. Padfoot has kissed.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that he found one.

Actually… about that…

PADFOOT.

Mr. Wormtail supposes he shouldn't have hoped.

Chapter Text

In Potions...

Mr. Padfoot is bored.

Mr. Prongs wonders how this a new occurence.

Mr. Padfoot never said it was.

Mr. Moony does not have patience for bickering today.

Neither does Mr. Prongs.

Before you ask, Mr. Wormtail isn't in the mood either.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what happened to his friends to make them all so boring and grumpy.

Mr. Wormtail has a legitimate excuse.

Oh, and what is that?

My girlfriend broke up with me.

Mr. Padfoot indeed considers that to be a legitimate excuse.

Mr. Prongs offers his condolences to Mr. Wormtail.

As does Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what Mr. Prongs' and Mr. Moony's excuse is.

Mr. Moony doesn't need one. Go away.

Well then. If you're going to be nasty about it. What about you, Prongs? Do you have an excuse?

Yes.

And?

Lily won't talk to me. She has a practice NEWT in Ancient Runes on Thursday and says I'm too distracting.

Mr. Padfoot has the utmost sympathy for Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if this exam is the reason that Mr. Moony is so upset.

Partially, yes.

Mr. Prongs misses his Lily.

Mr. Wormtail wishes his relationship had lasted more than two weeks.

Mr. Padfoot does agree that two weeks is a little pathetic.

Not helpful, Padfoot.

If you're all going to be grumpy I'm going to talk to Marlene instead.

You do that.

I will.

Good.

Good.

[Sirius writes on the corner of Marlene's notes.]

Psssst Marlene.

What?

Care to help me cheer up my friends?

Depends… what do you have in mind?

Let me whisper in your ear…

Excellent idea. I'm in.

Brilliant.

[A minute or two later]

Mr. Prongs insists that Mr. Padfoot cease and desist.

As does Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't know what you guys are talking about.

Mr. Wormtail highly doubts that.

Mr. Prongs is referring to the sudden appearance of rainbow kisses and unicorn stickers all over himself, Mr. Wormtail, and Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot thinks they look rather attractive.

Mr. Prongs disagrees. Get rid of them Padfoot.

Certainly Evans will talk to you now—

GET THEM OFF.

Mr. Padfoot must admit that he can do no such thing.

Mr. Wormtail wonders why on earth not.

Because I am not the one making them.

What—oh.

Mr. Padfoot is sorry, but he cannot help.

Mr. Prongs finds that to be ridiculous for several reasons.

Oh?

One: you came up with this spell. Two: you're sitting next to her. Three: you can just ask her to stop.

Mr. Padfoot would like to point out that Mr. Prongs' argument is not exactly three points. It's more like one short point and one really long one that has been unnecessarily split—

PADFOOT.

Right.

[On Marlene's parchment.]

Thank you. I love you. You're awesome.

Love you too. Am I done now?

Yes. You were wonderful.

I'm sure.

Mr. Padfoot wonders if that is better.

Mr. Wormtail believes it is.

Mr. Prongs supposes so. And unfortunately he must point out his amazement than Slughorn hasn't given us detention yet. He's pretty sure rainbow kisses and unicorn stickers all over our bodies and uniforms are against school rules.

Mr. Padfoot thinks that's because Slughorn's over there fawning over the students who actually care about this class.

Mr. Wormtail supposes Mr. Padfoot has a point.

[A few minutes later.]

Mr. Padfoot would like to voice his concern at Mr. Moony's absence from this conversation.

Mr. Wormtail had noticed that. Moony? Are you okay?

Mr. Prongs would like to point out exactly how engrossed Mr. Moony is in his potion-making.

Mr. Padfoot had noticed that as well.

Mr. Wormtail is pretty sure he's not reading any of this.

Mr. Prongs seconds that.

Mr. Padfoot wonders what we could say about him—

Don't. Even. Think. About. It.

Mr. Padfoot was only going to say that Mr. Moony was the best friend he's ever had and that he doesn't know what he'd do without—

Mr. Prongs suggests that Mr. Padfoot shut up now.

Mr. Padfoot will take that excellent advice.

[Remus' cauldron explodes, drenching the Marauders and other Gryffindors nearby in his potion.]

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think this is funny at all.

Mr. Moony thinks it's hilarious.

Mr. Padfoot fails to see how turning Marlene's and my skin mauve is funny.

Mr. Wormtail supposes that at least you two match.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't see that as an advantage at all.

Mr. Prongs wonders how Mr. Moony managed to only turn Padfoot and Marlene mauve.

Mr. Moony will not give away his secrets, but only point out how simple it is to magically steal a few hairs when everyone is otherwise occupied.

Mr. Padfoot wonders when he will be normal-looking again. This shade isn't good with my eyes.

Mr. Moony supposes that it will fade in a week or two.

A WEEK?!

Mr. Moony supposes that Mr. Padfoot should think next time he decides to plaster a fellow Marauder with rainbow kisses and unicorn stickers.

Chapter Text

In a broom closet on the fifth floor…

Mr. Prongs thinks that was a close one.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. Are you here girls?

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that it wouldn't have been so close if we hadn't stopped to give the other parchment to the girls first.

Miss McKinnon hopes she's writing this right.

You're doing wonderful, love.

Mr. Prongs requests that there be no public displays of affection on this public parchment.

Miss Evans will be happy to hold Mr. Prongs to that request.

Mr. Prongs didn't mean it like that.

Miss Evans doesn't care.

Mr. Padfoot interrupts Mr. Prongs' and Miss Evans' lover's spat to ask if the coast is clear.

Miss McKinnon doesn't believe so. McGonagall's hopping mad.

Miss Evans would like to point out that Professor Dumbledore is laughing openly.

Mr. Padfoot is glad that someone at least enjoyed their performance.

Mr. Moony would like to declare that the most humiliating thing he has ever participated in. Thank goodness we got cut off after only a minute.

Mr. Padfoot's courage would not have failed him. He would have continued.

Mr. Wormtail is sure and slightly scared that he would have.

Miss Evans was slightly scandalized that you four dared continue. Isn't standing on the table during lunch and threatening to strip enough?

Mr. Padfoot was intending much more than simple threatening.

Mr. Prongs would like to second that. We didn't just "threaten". We got robes, vests, and ties off before McGonagall started coming and we—

—made a hasty and strategic retreat.

Yes. That.

Miss McKinnon found it very amusing.

Mr. Moony still can't believe we just did that.

Mr. Prongs hopes Mr. Moony doesn't mean he regrets it.

Regret it? Want to try again tomorrow?

Miss Evans believes hope for this group has truly been lost once and for all.

Mr. Wormtail advises against trying again. One does not toy with McGonagall's wrath and survive.

Mr. Padfoot considers this sage advice. Daring feats of courage will have to wait for another time.

Mr. Prongs would like to add that after the silly string incident, testing McGonagall's patience is a risky business indeed.

Miss McKinnon does not believe she heard about any silly string incident.

That is because it is forbidden.

We do not speak of it.

It's right up there with Moony's dancing.

You told me you didn't dance, Remus!

Mr. Moony is going to go hide now.

Miss Evans begs him not to.

Miss McKinnon wants to hear about dancing.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT GUYS.

Mr. Wormtail is unashamed.

So is Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs would like to offer proof of Mr. Padfoot's lack of shame in the display that recently took place on top of the Gryffindor table.

Mr. Padfoot would like to chastise his fellow Marauders. After all, I was the one singing the loudest and dancing the most.

Mr. Wormtail offers the excuse that no one wants to hear him sing or see him dance.

Miss McKinnon wants to see Mr. Moony dance.

Mr. Moony refuses.

Miss McKinnon is hurt.

Mr. Prongs consoles Mr. Padfoot with the fact that he is simply the best at those sorts of things.

Mr. Moony would like to say that the addition of the remark about "not seeing cowardly Slytherins attempting this" was perfect.

Mr. Padfoot thanks Mr. Moony.

Mr. Prongs seconds that statement.

Miss McKinnon would like to inform everyone that Professor Dumbledore is not even attempting to reestablish order.

He's laughing too hard.

Mr. Prongs gives high fives to his fellow Marauders.

We, gentlemen, are awesome.

Mr. Moony doesn't think that was ever in doubt.

Mr. Wormtail would like to know if it's all clear yet.

Mr. Moony seconds that. This broom closet doesn't really fit four people.

Mr. Padfoot is quite certain it would fit two.

Mr. Wormtail really didn't need to know that.

Mr. Prongs knows for a fact that it can fit two just fine.

Mr. Padfoot inquires as to how Mr. Prongs knows this.

Prior experience.

What Lily said.

Mr. Wormtail didn't need to know that.

Neither did Mr. Moony.

Miss McKinnon regrets to inform the Marauders that she and Miss Evans must cease writing now. McGonagall has returned to the Great Hall.

Does this mean the coat is clear?

Miss Evans would not advise emerging just yet. I think she's just come back for reinforcements. But writing at lunch is suspicious. We'll come back when the coast is clear.

Farewell Lily! I love you!

Mr. Padfoot reminds Mr. Prongs of his own rule about public displays of affection.

Miss McKinnon sends her love and her goodbyes.

Love you too Marlene.

Mr. Moony wonders if giving the girls access to this parchment was truly a good idea.

Mr. Wormtail knows it wasn't.

So what now?

We wait.

Chapter Text

In Transfiguration…

Mr. Padfoot is most jealous of Mr. Prongs.

Mr. Prongs sees no reason for that.

Mr. Padfoot sees every reason. Mr. Prongs got called out of class. That's always a reason for jealousy.

Mr. Prongs doesn't think that a meeting with Professor Dumbledore instead of messing around in Transfiguration is a cause for jealousy.

Mr. Moony is curious of Mr. Prongs' subdued demeanor. He worries for his friend.

Mr. Wormtail seconds Mr. Moony's worry. What did Dumbledore want?

Do you have to serve detention for the rest of the year?

Is it… is it the war?

Prongs?

It's fine guys. Dumbledore just wanted to talk to me about my future.

Mr. Moony finds that response most interesting.

As does Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail is confused.

You're always confused, Wormtail.

Well, if you have a solution, I'd love to change that as well.

How about you pay attention?

Boys.

Mr. Prongs wonders if perhaps the three of you have also met with Professor Dumbledore recently.

Mr. Padfoot would like to know what Mr. Prongs thinks of his socks.

What?

Huh?

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot not to make up code phrases and then use them without informing the rest of us of their meaning.

Mr. Padfoot thought you just ought to know what he was talking about.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that none of us read your mind, Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail would like to add that none of us are interested in reading your mind, Padfoot.

Mr. Moony admits that he has indeed been to see Professor Dumbledore recently.

As has Mr. Padfoot.

And Mr. Wormtail.

Mr. Prongs would like to express his frustration that he's always the last to find out about important things.

Mr. Padfoot finds Mr. Prongs' frustration amusing.

Thanks, mate.

Welcome.

Mr. Prongs find Mr. Padfoot infuriating.

Mr. Moony would like to put an end to petty fighting and talk about the meeting we have apparently all been privy to: The Order of the Phoenix.

Wow.

What is it?

It just… when you write it out like that. It looks… powerful.

It is powerful.

I know that, but I think I just really realized it, you know? We're going to be part of something big. Something important.

Mr. Wormtail wonders if this means Mr. Padfoot is going to accept Professor Dumbledore's offer to join.

Of course I'm going to!

Mr. Moony must admit he is a little worried by Mr. Padfoot's reckless enthusiasm for joining.

Mr. Padfoot was under the impression that enthusiasm is generally a good thing and is thus confused by Mr. Moony's concern.

Mr. Moony just believes that this is an important and weighty decision that must be carefully considered. This is not small agreement. It's life or death. Such a decision can't be made in an instant.

Mr. Prongs supposes that this would be a bad time to tell Mr. Moony that he already told Dumbledore that he'll do this.

Mr. Padfoot offers Mr. Prongs a virtual high-five.

Mr. Prongs wonders why we are settling for a virtual high-five when we could have the real thing.

Good point.

[Three minutes later]

Mr. Moony would like to point out that the Order should seriously rethink who they offer invitations to.

Mr. Wormtail agrees.

Mr. Padfoot thinks two weeks of detention isn't too bad.

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that two weeks is the rest of the year.

Oh.

Right.

Mr. Padfoot does think that this is a little ridiculous.

Mr. Moony wonders how Mr. Padfoot could possibly think so.

Mr. Padfoot does not appreciate Mr. Moony's sarcasm.

Mr. Wormtail would prefer that Mr. Padfoot not start yet another pointless argument.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Padfoot is merely trying to express the fact that two years ago the punishment for getting up and running across the room for a high five would have been three days of detention, not two weeks.

Mr. Padfoot would like to add that first year it would have been one detention.

Mr. Moony agrees. It's completely ridiculous that McGonagall could expect either of you to mature at all over the course of seven years. Preposterous.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that sarcasm was warranted.

So what about you, Moony? Do you know if you're going to join?

Mr. Moony will. It's his only option really. There aren't many other choices for him.

Mr. Padfoot is sure that Mr. Moony will be able to find some sort of job. But I'm glad you're joining the Order. Meetings would be lonely without you.

And you Wormtail?

Mr. Wormtail doesn't know—actually, I will. I'll join.

Then it will be the whole group.

We can do some good in this war.

We can be together.

We can be heroes.

We can defeat Voldemort once and for all.

Chapter Text

In Charms…

Mr. Padfoot has realized something tragic.

Mr. Moony would like Mr. Padfoot to think for a moment and determine if this is truly tragic or if he's being melodramatic again.

Mr. Prongs thinks Mr. Moony has excellent ideas sometimes.

Mr. Wormtail wishes the rest of you wouldn't draw out the suspense. What have you realized, Padfoot?

That we won't be here next year.

…

Mr. Moony is shocked to see how oblivious Mr. Padfoot truly is.

Mr. Prongs thought we already knew this.

Mr. Wormtail is confused.

Mr. Padfoot asks his fellow Marauders to consider that as of yet unforeseen implications of our absence next year.

Mr. Prongs has no clue what Mr. Padfoot is talking about and begs him to clarify.

Mr. Wormtail seconds this.

Next year there won't be any pranks at Hogwarts.

Oh.

Oh, that hurts.

What a terrible thought.

Mr. Prongs begs Mr. Moony to cut the sarcasm. The rest of us were having a moment.

Mr. Moony insists that he wasn't being sarcastic.

Mr. Padfoot suggests that we do something about this.

Mr. Wormtail agrees. Hogwarts without pranks… well, it wouldn't be Hogwarts.

Mr. Prongs believes that some creative youngsters will rise up to take out place.

One day.

No need to be so gloomy about it, Moony.

Heh. Heh. Moony. Gloomy.

Mr. Padfoot is actively pretending Mr. Wormtail did not just say that.

Mr. Prongs is too.

Actually, Mr. Padfoot has an idea.

Mr. Moony is scared.

Mr. Padfoot is ignoring that too. Anyway, we should hold auditions.

For what?

For the next Pranksters of Hogwarts, of course.

In Transfiguration, the next week…

Alright gentlemen, I, Mr. Padfoot, now call this meeting to order—

Mr. Moony does think it needs to be this formal.

Mr. Padfoot agrees.

Mr. Moony resists the urge to throttle Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Prongs suggests that we get back on topic. McGonagall's giving us the evil eye again.

Right.

So did anyone see any promise at the auditions?

Mr. Wormtail doesn't really think he's a qualified judge here—

Nonsense, Wormtail. You're a Marauder. Of course you're qualified.

Sadly Mr. Prongs can't say anything sticks out. And really though. Did we have to take all these detailed notes on the applicants? Lily's looking at me strange for having all these papers on my desk.

Mr. Padfoot insists that the notes are indeed necessary for an informed decision on who the next pranksters will be.

Looking at these students, Mr. Moony doesn't think any of them will be able to live up to our standard.

Mr. Wormtail doesn't think so either.

Mr. Padfoot would like to remind his fellow Marauders that our pranks have had years of dedication and practice behind them. We cannot expect our current abilities to be matched—

Mr. Prongs would like to point out that not even in our first year were we this terrible.

Mr. Moony believes that's what he was trying to say.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that if Harsmith and Lurkwood weren't Slytherins they'd be half-decent.

Half.

Mr. Prongs agrees. They were the best. But they're Slytherins.

Mr. Padfoot supposes so. Sorry guys. I thought this would work out better.

Mr. Moony assures Mr. Padfoot that it was a good idea.

Mr. Prongs issues an urgent warning to his fellow Marauders: McGonagall—

[twenty minutes and a trip to Dumbledore's office later…]

Mr. Moony would like to just say that we have the best headmaster ever.

Mr. Prongs seconds that.

Mr. Padfoot still can't believe that he just sat there and laughed.

Did you see McGonagall's face? She thought we were going to get it and then he just laughs at it…

Mr. Wormtail can't believe we didn't even get a detention.

Boys, I'd like to congratulate us on setting a disciplinary precedent: it is not against the rules to posses documents that rate other students on their worthiness as pranksters nor to hold auditions for non-existent positions.

Like Mr. Moony said: Professor Dumbledore is amazing.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out, though, that our documents were confiscated all the same.

Mr. Moony doesn't consider that a great tragedy though. We weren't getting anywhere with them.

Mr. Padfoot find this sad. There will be no one to replace us. No more pranks. Nothing.

Mr. Wormtail finds that very sad indeed.

Mr. Moony agrees. Hogwarts needs pranks.

Mr. Prongs has an idea.

Oh?

Do tell.

Mr. Prongs proposes a test. Next week, on our final night at Hogwarts, we will find a way to have Filch confiscate the Marauders' Map.

Mr. Padfoot thinks this is worst plan we've ever come up with.

Mr. Prongs begs Mr. Padfoot to hear him out.

Go on then.

Filch will keep the blank Map in his office, right? So, when there are finally pranksters with enough curiosity and talent at Hogwarts, they will be able to steal the Map. If they figure out how to read it, then they will truly be worthy of being our successors.

Mr. Wormtail finds this a most excellent plan.

As does Mr. Moony. This will be the test indeed. But how can we be sure that someone will know where to look?

Mr. Prongs has a solution to that. There's a potion Lily mentioned a week or two ago. I think we can adapt it and soak the Map in it. It will be enough to subtly draw a certain sort of person to it. We can make it so that any true prankster will be subtly drawn to take the Map instead of than anything else Filch might have. They'd notice it more, that's all, but it would be enough.

Mr. Moony thinks that's brilliant.

Mr. Padfoot agrees. The Map can only go to those worthy of it.

Chapter Text

In the Transfiguration classroom, after hours…

Mr. Moony can't believe he's spending his last night of school in detention.

Mr. Prongs supposes it's actually rather fitting.

Mr. Moony does have to agree there.

After all, we are the Marauders.

Mr. Wormtail would like to point out that as far as punishments go, this isn't that bad.

Mr. Prongs agrees. Sitting in the Transfiguration room without wands is pretty mild.

And neither the Sticking Charms on our chairs or the Silencing Charms are actually impeding our ability to communicate.

Mr. Moony believes that we got off easy because Professor Dumbledore was amused.

Mr. Padfoot begs to differ. He could swear that he saw Minnie laughing at one point.

Still, Mr. Moony would rather be up in the common room with everyone else.

Mr. Prongs agrees. He wanted to see Lily after the feast. And our wands are just there on Minnie's desk! We can see them!

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Prongs wanted to do a whole lot more that just see Lily.

Mr. Moony begs Mr. Padfoot to keep his thoughts to himself.

What? I feel the same about Marlene.

Yes, we know. Now shut up.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't want to.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony: shut up.

You shut up.

Alright, that's enough. We'd better get started on our assignment. We don't want McGonagall to find that we've ignored her instructions.

We had an assignment? Mr. Wormtail always misses these things.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Wormtail not to feel bad. He didn't know either.

Mr. Moony rolls his eyes.

Mr. Prongs believes that we're to write down what we did and our reasoning behind it before the end of these four hours.

Mr. Padfoot wonders why we didn't start on this immediately. It will certainly take that long to come up with reasons for our prank.

Mr. Moony wishes Mr. Padfoot was within hitting range.

Why?

Because we already came up with a reasoning for everything in tonight's prank! We had a whole meeting about it!

Mr. Padfoot suspects sleeping through that part.

Evidently.

Mr. Wormtail suggests that we then recount the evening and Mr. Moony can enlighten the rest of us about the reasoning.

Mr. Padfoot finds this to be a most excellent idea.

Mr. Prongs will begin at the beginning then—

No kidding. Let's begin at the end. Much more fun that way.

Padfoot.

Sorry.

Mr. Prongs believes the first stage of our brilliance to be fun for all: all the food was enchanted so that it could not be eaten unless fed to one by someone else. It would disappear and reappear on one's plate if one tried to eat it himself, but if fed by another, it could be eaten easily.

Mr. Wormtail truly cannot see any reason behind that.

Nor can Mr. Padfoot.

Mr. Moony disagrees. There is reason.

Well?

Patience, child.

I—

Mr. Moony begs his fellow Marauders to recall our meetings. As this is our last year and supposed to be a fun time for all, we were attempting to not do anything particularly destructive. Thus the idea of forcing everyone to feed each other. Unlike in some years past, everyone could still enjoy the feast. The idea was also that feeding each other would encourage inter-House bonding as well as general merriment.

Mr. Padfoot thinks Mr. Moony just made that up on the spot.

I did not! We discussed this.

Mr. Padfoot is skeptical.

Mr. Prongs now recounts the second stage of our prank: after the feast, instead of dessert appearing as usual, on everyone's plate appeared the emblem of their House—a lion, an eagle, a badger, or a snake. Each figurine was fuzzy and cuddly, except they were enchanted to move and behave like their live counterparts. Each animal was small enough to just fit on a dinner plate and stood a few inches high. Around their necks, attached with a bit of strong was a note reading "A friend for you, with love, the Marauders".

Mr. Wormtail never did understand why we did that.

Because it was fun magic, that's why.

Mr. Prongs doesn't believe that was the reason, though it was indeed fun.

There was certainly more to it than just fun. This was our parting gift to our fellow students. For each animal is indeed a friend, if one can find out how to befriend it. They were made so that the magic will last.

Mr. Wormtail is confused. We had to befriend them?

Yes, that was the point.

Mr. Wormtail is worried then. His lion is still growling at him. He stuffed it in his bag because it kept trying to bite him.

Mr. Padfoot wishes to beat his head upon the table. We told you how to do this!

Sorry. I forgot.

Mr. Moony will explain. Each animal is made to respond to an act requiring the talents of each House. Like, the Hufflepuff badgers require petting and Ravenclaw's eagles need to have their little melody sung back to them—a Hufflepuff's kindness and a Ravenclaw's creativity. The lions, dear Wormtail, require courage. It's trying to bite you, yes. You have to let it nibble your finger—bravery—but really it's teeth are gentle and will just tickle a bit.

And what about Slytherin's snakes?

Mr. Moony recalls that that's where we ran into a snag.

What sort of snag?

We simply couldn't find a way to make a snake like you—or any attributes of Slytherin that the snake would appreciate. There isn't a way to make them like you. They're always going to hiss and snap.

Mr. Prongs considers that to be the true brilliance of this prank then.

Mr. Padfoot rather likes his cute little lion. It's fuzzy and cuddly.

Yes, that is the idea.

Mr. Prongs has come to a rather sad realization.

Yes?

This is our last prank at Hogwarts. Our last detention.

Oh.

Wow.

Mr. Moony is surprised to find that he will miss it more that he expected.

Mr. Prongs as well. We're leaving tomorrow guys.

Mr. Padfoot begs Mr. Prongs not to speak of it. He can't bear the idea of leaving.

Mr. Wormtail wishes his tissues weren't in his back pocket. These Sticking Charms really are annoying—wait—I think I got it!

Mr. Padfoot is shocked to see that Mr. Wormtail's butt is leaving his chair. We've only been here an hour!

Mr. Prongs wonders why Mr. Padfoot is watching Mr. Wormtail's butt—

Never mind that! I can get up too!

Wait, so can I!

We're free!

Mr. Moony believes, gentlemen, that we've been duped. We were free all along.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't know if he wants to curse Dumbledore or hug him.

Mr. Prongs recommends neither. Let's get going though. Our fair ladies await!

Chapter Text

On the train home…

It is with great sadness in his heart that Mr. Moony declares this the last correspondence we shall have at Hogwarts on this parchment.

Oh noble parchment! How we shall miss thee when we are gone—

Mr. Prongs wishes Mr. Padfoot wouldn't do that.

Do what?

Butcher the English language.

Mr. Padfoot resends that remark.

Mr. Wormtail is confused. Is that really what Mr. Padfoot meant to say?

Yes.

Mr. Moony wonders if Mr. Padfoot actually meant to "resent" that remark.

Actually, Mr. Padfoot thinks he did.

Mr. Prongs is shocked. Mr. Padfoot is admitting to a mistake!

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think it's that rare of an occurrence.

It is.

It is.

Mr. Prongs believes Mr. Padfoot is outnumbered in this matter.

Mr. Moony wishes to return to the matter and purpose at hand.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that's always what Mr. Moony wants to do.

That's cause it is.

Mr. Moony reminds his fellow Marauders that as we are sitting less than two feet from each other. Talking via parchment is no longer necessary. I, for one, have a hand cramp and would like to use my voice rather than my quill.

But we're having so much fun this way!

Shut up, Padfoot.

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Moony.

Mr. Padfoot feels oppressed.

Mr. Moony insists that we did not oppress you.

Well you could have, if you wanted to.

Mr. Wormtail thinks that might be the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard.

Mr. Padfoot disagrees. The most ridiculous thing you've ever heard is that story I told you about my cousin Narcissa the Christmas before—

Yes, yes. We've definitely heard that story before.

Mr. Prongs has no desire to hear it again.

Mr. Wormtail—

—Is shutting up now.

If you say so.

Mr. Prongs asks Mr. Wormtail to believe him: if you don't remember that particular story be glad.

Mr. Moony would like to emphasize here the audible clearing of his throat.

Mr. Prongs thinks we got the idea.

So, how shall we begin?

Mr. Prongs suggests that Mr. Padfoot go first. You know, set the tone for dramatic eloquence at all.

Mr. Padfoot isn't sure if that was a compliment or not.

It wasn't.

Guys.

Right. I'll start.

Go on then.

Mr. Padfoot thanks the dear parchment for the hours of amusement, distraction, and memories that it has given us over the years. Without it he would have both failed his classes and missed much opportunity for laughter and detention.

Mr. Wormtail does wish that Mr. Moony would control his facial expressions. That look of disdain isn't helping anything.

Mr. Moony cannot help but wonder if that was a good or bad thing Mr. Padfoot is thankful for.

Oh, Mr. Padfoot knows it's bad.

Mr. Moony declares Mr. Padfoot hopeless.

Mr. Prongs has heard this before. You next, Wormtail.

Mr. Wormtail offers his thanks, consolations, and congratulations to the parchment for putting up with all of this weirdness.

Mr. Padfoot seconds that one vigorously.

Mr. Moony doesn't think that's logically possible.

Mr. Padfoot does wish that Mr. Moony would shut up.

Mr. Prongs asks Mr. Moony to continue.

Mr. Moony remarks with wonder at the parchment's ability to survive this long. He is not sure whether or not it was a good or bad thing.

Mr. Wormtail is rather disappointed. He thought Mr. Moony was loosening up.

Mr. Moony inquires as to what exactly Mr. Wormtail means by the comment.

Mr. Prongs believes that was a reference to Mr. Moony's… enthusiasm for our potential strip show on the Gryffindor table.

Mr. Moony is trying to forget that happened.

Mr. Padfoot isn't.

You're incorrigible.

Mr. Padfoot doesn't think it's fair that as soon as I learn what "melodramatic" means, you start popping out with all these new long and complicated words.

Mr. Moony doesn't think "fair" was ever part—

Mr. Prongs would like to always remember this parchment and the enjoyment we got from it—the escape from the boredom of our classes. It has served us well while at school and now, worn as it is, its abilities have come to an end.

Farewell, sweet parchment!

Now we're leaving school, and with it our childhood.

Together moving on to greater and better things.

But we shall never forget this—nor the friendship we have formed at this school.

For we shall always be Marauders, through and through.

Signed, Moony,

Wormtail,

Padfoot,

And Prongs.

THE END