Work Text:
“Are you in love with him?”
*** *** ***
When he was transferred to my school in his sophomore year I was a Junior and he was just this annoying excuse of a pygmy. Half of the girls in his year were taller than him and just the sight of his spike blonde hair was enough to make us, the guys on the football team, burst in laughter.
“Hey Hollywood, do you have cologne on you?” Donnie asked every time the kid walked by us and being the jerks we were, we made fun of him all the goddamn time. The little shit would laugh and come up with a sardonic comment that would get him shoved in a locker again.
Julian Edelman was a stuck-up Californian boy, too cocky for his own height. It didn’t matter if all the girls seemed to think his blue eyes were the brightest thing they had ever seen, or that his rosy lips always seemed to have the sexiest smile everyone had seen in awhile. Or maybe the fact he was the cutest boy ever and that it looked like the sun had gently kissed his skin leaving an amazing tan as a gift. (The girls, not me. Cause I was a guy and guys were supposed to like girls.)
Actually, the fact I had all that shit going on in my head made it a lot worse. It was just another reason to knock him down on the corridor every lunch break.
The baby-faced ladies choice became a problem when our Coach brought his skinny ass, covered in black sweatshorts, that had to be kid sized, to the field. He simply told us Hollywood was competing against my best friend for the role of the starting Quarterback.
Sam was 15 and 5’8’’, so our reaction was obvious.
We laughed until our ribs hurt. Then we laughed some more.
The kid had his bony arms crossed across his chest and a confidant expression on his face, saying he knew what he was doing.
“IF YOU DROP BALLS ON PURPOSE I SWEAR YOU’LL BE OUT FOR A MONTH!” Coach screamed, his big fat cheeks red and his eyebrows furrowed. However, he knew us well enough to know we would never catch any balls Hollywood threw if we were not properly threatened.
Sam was up first. Edelman watched from the sideline, unamused, as my best friend moved around the pocket, throwing to open receivers across the field, including me, a couple times. The only problem with Sam, I knew he was trying to fix it, but it was still there, undoubtedly, was his footwork. It wasn’t all that bad, but it wasn’t good. The tempo of his throws always seemed a bit late and we had become used to it. Sincerely, it could have been better.
We were quite glad with Sam’s performance when Hollywood took his place. If someone told me a 5’4’’ fella would be able to throw perfectly timed balls and have a footwork so neat it would put college quarterbacks to shame, I would have laughed. He had a nice vision and could read the plays really well.
In one special play, I was open exactly where Sam would have liked to throw and we would have gotten the first down and maybe a couple yards. However, he smirked at me and signaled as if to say ‘deeper’. It took, at the most, three seconds for the play to be developed. I got past the safety on the first, Kevin broke the pocket on the second and on the third, the ball was flying towards me while he took a big hit.
A FUCKING PERFECT 26-YARDS PASS AND A 42-YARD TOUCHDOWN.
Hollywood recovered quickly than I did for a new play. I watched from the endzone, the ball he’d threw still in my hands and my eyes wide open, him getting up and combining what to do with the guys. I was still speechless when I saw Donnie purposely let Kurt into the pocket and I was even more shocked to find out that Hollywood was fucking fast, juking the defenders for a 20-yard touchdown of his own.
Sam was mad at the end of the day and he had all the right to be. Coach was leaning towards choosing the pygmy to be the starting Quarterback. I’d never tell him, but Hollywood was as good as he was, if not better. The lack of strength and height was compensated with passion and what seemed to be an almost perfect comprehension of the mechanics of his position.
I knew everyone pretty well and Sam even more than the rest. That pout along with the furrowed eyebrows were his way to hide the fact he was scared. He knew, as well as the rest of us, he was probably going to lose his place when Hollywood finally got a hold of our plays.
Coach dismissed us with a satisfied smile, saying he had a lot to think and we moved quietly towards the locker room. We were not that stupid that we weren’t able to understand what was going to happen, it was crystal clear and none of us had a helpful word to give Sam.
Call it a jerk move, but I couldn’t stay there. Not like that.
I lied and said I had left my gloves on the sideline, then ran back to the field. Hollywood was there; his helmet was lost somewhere, throwing balls at empty trashcans. I was fucking mad at him, but I knew it was better for the team. Watch him silently pick up the balls from the trashcans was quite pathetic and the rage I felt inside diminished as I took pity of the boy.
Fishing my gloves of the back of my pants, I put them back on and ran till I took place in front of a trashcan. He smiled at me and nodded thankfully.
“Spread out!” He ordered and I ran the routes.
It was surprisingly easy to be around him, running routes and throwing. On the field, Hollywood was just a quiet, confident fella with perfectly timed throws, No Californian bullshit.
“Don’t hurt yourself, Hollywood.” I said when we stopped twenty minutes later.
Massaging his shoulder underneath the shoulder pads, he snorted. “The funny thing is,” Hollywood let himself fall by my side on the grass. “Never been to Hollywood. Not even once.”
Raising an eyebrow quizzically, I looked at him. “I thought it was a Californian thing.”
“Born and raised in Redwood.” Taking off his only glove, he played with it. I looked at him and all of sudden we were laughing hard. I couldn’t really explain why, but it felt fucking amazing, to let go of everything I held against him and get to talk to an unexpectedly nice fella.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DANNY?” Sam’s voice was a bucket of ice on me. I was hanging with the kid that was probably going to take his starting role and perhaps, the worst was that I was really enjoying it. “You know what?” Sam shoved me back to the grass when I attempted to get up and begin to explain it was out of pity, even though I knew that would have been a low blow to what could be a nice friendship. “I don’t wanna know!”
“Hey, chill out bro!” Edelman said, helping me to get up.
I saw the blow coming before Julian and reacted without thinking, throwing myself on Sam and bringing him to the grass. His clean jeans would definitely get dirty, but fuck! We were jerks and ok, we usually shove nerds in lockers. Ok, we also made that gay kid fit three eggs without breaking them in his mouth one time (I know it was terrible and I felt awful afterwards, I even apologized to the kid. Then we found out Coach Dan was married to a fucking badass dude and the guys had a rough time with him). We could be terrorists, but we didn’t hit people when they were not looking.
“Fuck Sam!” I said, trying to stop him, but even though we were the same height, he was stronger than I was. It was just a question of time before he would beat the crap out of me. Edelman even tried to help, but Sam pushed him aside and got back at me.
I wasn’t trying to hit him. I never did that before and intended to keep it that way. My hands and legs were only fighting to get away from him and I was almost giving up when Tyler showed up to save the day. Tyler was our super dumb, but incredible tall and buff for an eighteen year old, Tight End.
I couldn’t be any happier that Tyler and the Super Milewski twins were the ones to show up instead of Donnie and the others that would certainly help Sam to beat me. Tyler, with his Superman looks (blue eyes, black hair and chiseled jaw) would be enough to get Sam away from me, but Don and Ron were helpful kids. They hurried to help me get up and kept asking if I was alright.
The ginger boys moved to help Edelman, but he was already on his feet, telling Tyler to let Sam go, that it was the heat of the moment, while Sam insulted all of us at the top of his lungs.
“LET ME GO YOU FUCKER!” Sam screamed struggling in Tyler’s grip. “THIS FUCKING TRAITOR DESERVES TO GET PUNCHED!”
“Sam, I didn’t do anything wrong!” I tried to begin in a neutral tone, but he was screaming even louder and soon the other guys started to arrive, so I did what I never did around the school. I lost my shit and yelled at someone.
“FUCK YOU AND YOUR HYSTERIC SHIT!” Everyone was wide-eyed, staring at me, probably wondering what the fuck I had done. “I COULDN’T FIND A WAY TO HELP YOU, ALRIGHT?” I walked back and forth, my hands messing my hair and I couldn’t look at Sam. I wasn’t embarrassed about being there with Edelman, hell no, after all we were jerks with all the new kids, but he was going to be one of us, so I couldn’t keep the whole terrorist thing. “I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND REDWOOD WAS HERE –”
I stopped and breathed in, paying no mind to the guys looking at me with questioning looks on their faces because of the nickname. Julian smiled at me and I simply smiled back. It was natural and I tried not to think about it.
“Red what?” Sam asked, finally stopping with the screaming. His voice was low and he sounded hurt.
“Redwood,” I looked at Sam and he was pouting again. Why was he scared? Was he afraid of losing me? What the fuck? “Apparently Hollywood is not a Californian thing.” I attempted to lighten the mood and unfortunately, that was not what Sam wanted to hear.
“Well Danny, you and all these fuckers here can fucking keep Red-whatever-shit-it-is. Tell that faggot you guys call Coach I’m out!” He turned around to leave, but we wouldn’t let him leave without any kind of retaliation after the last piece he dropped.
I started to move in sync with the guys towards Sam. Even if they didn’t agree with me or probably thought it was weird to see me smiling that way to a guy, but no one would use that ridiculous word thinking it was offensive to say someone is gay. But Julian beat all of us.
“Hey Bradford, you’re all jealous of Danny boy and then calls someone ‘a faggot’. That’s kinda messed up!”
Sam spun on his heels and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. However, I was far more surprised than him. Sam was my best friend ever since the 6th grade, what the fuck Edelman was thinking?
The team was torn between looking at Sam and at Julian, but I had my face buried in my hands, trying to understand what was going on. Sam didn’t say anything and Julian to make me even more confused added “It’s alright to love man, but I don’t think he loves you back.”
After that the boys had to carry Sam out of the field, because he was decidedly trying to kill Edelman.
“Hey bubs, I don’t know if you knew it. Anyway, I’m sorry.” Edelman stood there beside me after everyone was gone. Sincerely, that moment I wanted him to disappear as well. All the problems we had were his fault. But maybe, said a little voice inside my head, maybe all the problems were already there and now we’re solving it.
“Is it true?” I asked, still fitting the ground.
“True what?”
“About Sam…” I murmured raising my eyes to see Edelman unamused, massaging his shoulder again.
“He looks at you like girls look at you,” Julian answered, getting closer. “That’s why I’ll never fall in love. People nowadays are messed up!” He laughed and ran a hand through his hair, making it all messy again.
That sentence would hunt me more than I could have known.
Sam left the school and I heard his parents were transferred to another company in other state. That was just the beginning of the changes I’d have to get used to.
At first, I missed Sam, but then Julian fell into my life as if he always belonged there. He lived a couple blocks down from mine and I would give him a ride every day. We would drink coffee and sing old music. I would laugh watching him on the passenger side of my pick-up truck, complaining about the burgers they served at school or making really bad jokes.
His father was a nice man with eyes exactly like his son’s. He would help us train in their backyard and then give us coke when we were done. His baby sister was a cute girl, only a tad younger than Julian himself and seemed to be crushing hard on me. Funny though, I was memorizing her brother as easily as the words to my favorite song.
Day by day, the boys started to learn how to deal with Julian and he became the most popular fella on the school. When we won the regional championship with him passing like a pro, his popularity got an even bigger burst. All the girls wanted him and all the boys wanted to be like him, except for the gay kid I still didn’t know the name, and little by little, me.
It was torture to accept myself as I was, but the truth was there and I had to admit it. It took me five months to finally agree I was in love and by the time I did, we were on summer break.
Julian and his family went back to California and I missed him like hell. I missed his devilish smile, all the tones in his beautiful blue eyes, missed his favorite songs playing in my truck. I couldn’t ignore what was crystal-clear right in front of me.
My mom stepped into my room on the last day of summer break, I was bouncing on my feet, trying to figure out what to wear and I had never done that. She only smiled and said, “You missed Julian a lot, didn’t you?”
I froze in place, dropping the black shirt I was holding.
“Danny, you’re my kid. I stopped reminding you to wash your hands after using the bathroom a couple months ago. I know you hon’ and I know you’re in love.” Her smile was so sweet, I fell to my knees and cried.
Matt was right, I was a big baby. But mom was there hugging me and I couldn’t stop sobbing, saying, “I love him, I love him so much mom.”
“Go get him tiger!” Was the last thing she said before leaving my room that night.
The next day I was in front of his house the first thing in the morning like we had agreed, but Julian wasn’t the same guy. I mean, he was taller and buff. He was standing about my height and his biceps had seen a lot of work out on our break. He was fucking hot!
I am pretty sure my hands were shaking as I stood up straight. He had a three o’clock and his 49ers t-shirt was hugging his powerful chest and I forgot how to breathe. I had to say something, I couldn’t just stare in awe.
“Who are you? Do you know if my pal Julian, the pygmy, is home?” I said, uncrossing my arms and moving towards him. He jumped on me, wrapping his legs around my waist and his arms on my neck in a tight embrace. I was aware of his smell surrounding me once again and I was not ready to let him go. His body was so close and I was feeling him under the layers of his clothes. At least I would have the memory of his body this close.
“Ok mister Model,” I started when he got back to the ground. I promptly moved around the truck so he wouldn’t notice the activities in my pant. “Coffee?”
“Hahaha, you’re so funny!” He said wryly, taking his seat. “Your comedian name should be The Triple D. Get it? Cause you’re Danny, Dola and a Dick.”
Suddenly we were laughing again, making our way to the school and he was still Julian, the corky dipshit that had taken my heart by assault. Except he was hot as fuck. His voice was getting deeper and making things to my body I couldn’t begin to explain. We fell back to our routine and I’d fall a little more every day.
Then the girls started – and the guys too.
The first one was Jenna, a lovely ginger that had been all over me last year. Apparently, an incredible well-built body is all it takes to get over someone. I kept repeating to convince myself that if he was happy, that was all I needed to be happy too.
At night, alone in my room, the lies would get to me and I’d cry looking at the picture we took after his birthday. We were particularly happy that day, throwing balls at each other in front of my uncle’s lake house.
Gabe came in a month later, then Ricardo, Emily, Kayla, Lena, Peter and a whole lot of them, enough that I wouldn’t care to remember their names.
“Hey Dolamite, mi amigo,” Julian said one morning, hopping into my truck. “I met this girl last Saturday and shit, dude she is amazing.”
“Do I have to remember her name this time?” I asked, looking at the street and wondering why I couldn’t get him to really notice me, as mister Springfield sang ‘I’ve been funny and I’ve been cool with the line, ain’t that the way love’s supposed to be’ on my radio.
But Taylor had come to stay.
I had to watch the ridiculous googly eyes, all the hot kisses and the way her light brown eyes looked into those perfect baby-blues. I never wished to be someone that much in my life.
We won the championship. She was there. We lost the nationals on the last second of the Bowl. She was there. His birthday? Guess what? She was there.
She was every-fucking-where, with her perfect brown and wavy hair and her fucking cheerleader body and her abandoned puppies’ shelter. That fucking voice so smooth that, even hating her, I could sit and listen to her singing the fucking Phone Book.
There was no way I could be happy by the time my prom came. I was going to Texas Tech and Julian would be 546 Miles away. Not that it would matter, because of FUCKING TAYLOR!
I had lost him and there was nothing I could do.
They were a cute couple and my love was happy. Although the pain in my chest was lancinating, seriously I couldn’t begin to count the times I cried till I fell asleep, I had a spark of hope saying I’d be fine.
*** *** ***
Blinking a little longer than I really needed in order to put my memories back in their respective compartment in the back of my mind, I look at Caroline in her long black dress and she asks again “Are you in love with him? Because if you are, you should talk to him.”
I smile sadly and spin on my heels to see a lot of students dancing in our gym, that was supposed to look like Manhattan. Julian is six couples away from me, in a black tuxedo, looking edible as fuck and grinding against Taylor. They look awesome together, one of those couples I wish I can be a part of one day.
I can’t look away and watching them I have an epiphany. That’s what love really is. Love is caring about someone so much, that even if it cost your own happiness, you’d do everything within your reach to make that person smile. Even if that means getting hurt and go through hell, cause in the end, I’ll be happy ‘cause he’ll be happy.
Julian will always be my first love and somehow I know we’ll see again. Maybe one day he’ll see I was the one that loved him more than anyone have ever had and maybe I’ll win. But till that day, I’m not telling him, cause he deserves to be happy.
So I put the best smile I can on my lips, turn to my beautiful prom date and once again, I lie.