Work Text:
you drown by staying there
s0ulconnection | hozuki no reitetsu | hozuki/hakutaku
When I had a younger heart,
you told me not to fear the dark
-
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
There was no answer.
What was I expecting anyways?
-
He looked just like me – dark slanted eyes and thin strands of black hair. Everyone who did not know of our legendary millennia-long feud would comment on our uncanny resemblance. We were both prone to extreme emotions and fiery tempers, yet he always had this little smirk on his face and smooth words rolling off his tongue.
With his flowery language and graceful disposition, he was a relentless womanizer. He would flirt his way through the deities and goddesses, leaving with just a smile and a trail of broken hearts. Girls were just ornaments for him– a dizzying collection of his insatiable desire to fuck exquisite beings.
I was entranced by him – the cold hard look in his eyes contrasting with the unctuous words spilling out the moment he parted his lips – I was faintly surprised that nobody could see the layers of masks plastered over his face. Maybe it was because I was just like him that I could peel the onion layers of facades and look into him.
Maybe that was why he hated me.
Maybe that was how I realized I had this monopolistic desire for the real Hakutaku.
-
We both studied Chinese medicine and kept to the same circles. He once unscrupulously obsessed over finding the secret to immortality that the first Qin emperor (秦始皇) so desperately searched for, despite famous for being a creature that was the very essence of virtuousness. But that interest soon died and was rekindled in appearing before saintly human rulers, who would later brand his name synonymous with auspiciousness.
Hakutaku was a beast of paradoxical delights.
-
We were not friends. He would speak of his dislike for me openly and I would respond with my dry wit that left him speechless with anger. But he always went to Hell whenever he was bored – I wasn’t sure if he yearned for my company or if he was looking to be rid of whichever celestial goddess who was getting on his nerves – yet he always visited me. I started to look forward to his trips here, which was always accompanied by an entourage of beautiful people that seemed to accompany him wherever he went. He was their light, and I was just someone who managed to bring out his primitive responses – someone whom he would evade his entire procession for.
At least with me, he could be himself. He could be the petulant and perverted self he hid within the dark recesses of his consciousness. We bantered and fought and exchanged rare herbs.
I started to think that he wanted more than just companionship.
-
He always said that I wasn’t cute – nothing like a girl that would openly display her heart and look at him with adoring eyes. I think he knew how much I lusted after him – his body, his friendship, his intellect. The only thing he was serious about was his work, and it was a constant battle for me to be able to spar with his reasoning, which I undoubtedly enjoyed.
-
I wanted him.
-
This time I dug a hole – foolproof and charmed – so that he would fall into Hell. Enraged upon the realization that he would never reach heaven again, he turned into his true form and attacked me. I endured his scratches and bites; knowing that every single soul-searing pain inflicted on me was worth it when I had him right here.
There were days when he wouldn’t eat in protest of his imprisonment, but he soon realized how futile his attempts were. He tried running away, but the bond between us would never release him from my side. He was bound to me for all eternity, and no amount of research or experiments would counter that fact.
I would fuck him whenever I had time – he was resistant at first and our first time together resulted in a week-long fever that left me with deep furrows on my forehead and dark circles underneath my eyes – worrying if he would still be in feverish pain or if he needed water or a change of dry clothes.
That week, I barely slept. From that night onwards, I was a very light sleeper.
-
A couple years passed and he welcomed our nightly sessions together. He could never go long without sex and was an adventurous lover – there was nothing he could not handle. I was thankful that he accepted my advances and even more so when he started initiating. I particularly welcome his seduction in a silk yukata – made for the delicate frame of a woman – without a juban underneath and the obi tied loosely in front. His eyes would slant even more, just like the phoenix they were named after, his leg pale and almost glowing from the deep red of the fabric, his toes dainty and delicious. He would trail his foot over my leg, stopping right over my crotch and slowly and tenderly press the arch over my hard cock – my very own whore.
Yet there remained a gulf between us. He no longer talked to me about things that interested him – he no longer egged me on – he longer looked at me with completely vulnerable eyes that begged for someone to understand him.
I don’t know if I made the right choice in forcing him, but it never mattered when I had his tight ass around me and him dazedly panting, luscious mouth slightly parted. His light breathing in his sleep – every inhalation and exhalation – kept me awake. I would hold him close to my chest, fearful that one day all this would disappear and that he would never stay in my arms again.
Then daylight would steal in and I would wake up, both arms over Hakutaku, still asleep and curled up by my side. I sometimes would be struck by fear and tighten my arms, causing him to frown and moan in his sleep and me pressing a kiss to the shell of his ear.
I felt happy – I finally had someone waiting for me at home.
-
I never noticed it at the beginning – I wasn’t sure when it started, but he started to get thinner. I bit his collarbone and he winced in pain. He never showed any weakness when we were fucking and I knew that there was something wrong. I pulled out and captured his face in my hands. He didn’t look at me. Panicked, I started to really look at him. His wrist felt lighter in my hand, as if a tighter grasp would break the fragile bones that protruded from the paper-thin skin. That night, there was a hand clutching at my heart and intestines and I wanted to hold him tighter that I ever had. But I handled him with my fingertips, unable to calm my racing heart. I could now encircle his waist with my hand – and that scared me.
I soon noticed his jutting cheekbones – he looked more beautiful than ever, especially with the sculpted cheekbones and a sharper jaw and, but he always closed his eyes in exhaustion whenever he thought I wasn’t looking. His vivacious self was fading and there was nothing I could do to about the gradual – almost infinitesimal – change. There were months where he wouldn’t – or couldn’t – make a sound, lying limply amongst the pillow in my bed, tucked away from the rest of the world. His health slowly deteriorated and he mostly reverted into his bestial form.
I spent most of my time with him now, looking at his face, gently smoothing his cheek when he was feeling better enough to look humane. He would look up at me with his fathomless eyes, as if trying to say that everything was fine – that he was fine – and raise a shaking hand to my face, like he could prevent gravity from attracting my tears to the thickly-layered bedspreads. Most of the time, he stayed with his eyes closed and I would stroke his lank fur.
It was summer. The cherry blossoms have already fallen.
He was slowly withering away, and I knew it was my entire fault.
-
Yet there was nothing I could do. I had tied him to me because of lust and gradual love. Until now, I still do not regret it. Without the bond, he would never become mine.
-
The next winter, Hakutaku passed away. It was cold and dark that night. The moon had turned her face away from Hakutaku’s death and both realms were in chaos. I was the harbinger of death and yet nobody dared challenge me. That, I held his icy paws.
Hakutaku.
Hakutaku.
Hakutaku.
-
When I awoke, his body was gone from my arms and nobody remembered his name.
-
I would always tell him that I had saved a special place in Hell for him, and that place was right by my side.
But where do you go if you died in Hell?