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Levi felt….. numb. That’s the right word. Numb. The world pulsed around him, moving while he was still standing in the past. He made the right choice? Right?
How could he stand up to the scrutiny of his choice when he even crumbled under his self questioning?
“Are you sure you made the right choice?” That question would haunt him.
When Hanji asked him on that rooftop, his answer was yes. “Can’t we just…. Let him rest?”
He wrote his account of the expedition. He went through the motions. Mechanically writing down every detail he remembered. It was just business.
When he came to the time on the rooftop he explained it all again. After years of dedicating his heart fully to the Survey Corps, I decided to let him rest. Levi wrote.
There was no need to make it any more emotional than that. No one wanted emotions in a military brief.
The unusual events of the return to Shiganshina meant a formal questioning in front of a panel of higher ups. They questioned everyone’s every move during the fight against the Beast Titan, Bertolt, and Reiner. “Are you sure you made the right choice?”
Levi knew the only people to agree with his choice are the kids from 104. He’s not deaf. He hears the whispers among the older and the younger Scouts, those who never were close to Armin. He knows people doubt his choice at every opportunity.
“Yes,” Levi replied, speaking through gritted teeth. “My choice led to us gaining the power of the Colossal Titan. That’s what ultimately matters.”
Such a numb person, making such mechanical explanations. He felt nothing talking to these judges of his character. They didn’t know Erwin. Levi won’t justify them with an emotional response.
Levi met Hanji for drinks in Erw—her office. The emptiness of the room was blinding. The silence was deafening. Before the rooftop, the absence of Mike weighed on them all. Now, the absence of Erwin suffocated them. Hanji and Levi drank long and deeply. “So, Levi,” Hanji all but spat out, “Do you think you made the right choice?”
Levi didn’t answer, instead he poured himself some more whiskey. He wished then that alcohol did more than just make him a bit tipsy. He knew Hanji was drunk and her emotions were amplified.
“I’m going to go… get more to drink,” Hange slurred, her breath reeking of alcohol. She got up and shut the door, leaving Levi alone.
Levi looked around. Hange hadn’t changed anything yet. It still… smelled like Erwin. Everything was so Erwin. His books on the shelf, his cluttered desk, his cushy chair. Was that his jacket laying over the chair in the corner?
Levi got up and moved slowly over to the jacket. He felt like he was walking in a dream. It was Erwin’s nice black jacket. The one Levi wore sometimes. He was fingering the jacket sleeve when he heard the door to the room open. “Hey Erwin, mind if I borrow…” Levi turned around as he was talking, and looked to see Hange.
The disappointment hit him like a freight train. “Er-Erwin….” Levi sputtered. The tears filled his eyes and felt hot on his cheeks. “He’s gone. Oh my god he’s fucking gone.”
Levi grabbed onto the jacket like a life preserver. For the first time since the rooftop, he let his numbness fade.
He felt it all at once. Sobs wracked his body. He could hardly breathe. He sank to the floor. Hanji lurched over to Levi and helped him up. She led him to the couch where he threw himself down and buried his head in his hands. He could feel Hanji sobbing next to him. She was hugging him and crying.
“Levi,” she choked out. “I can’t understand why you did it.”
“I…” Levi began. But, he couldn’t finish.
No, no one could understand. He couldn't explain his choice to an uncaring panel of people judging him. How could they understand? They never knew Erwin. They only knew Commander Smith. He couldn't explain it in a brief. It would take a lifetime to tell all the events leading to his decision. He couldn't even explain it to Hanji. Even she didn’t truly know Erwin. No one knew Erwin the way he did. They didn’t know the Erwin who lost sleep over his decisions, the Erwin who had slowly started placing all the blame on himself for the deaths of soldiers. How could they know the Erwin who began obsessing over his father’s theories, who was letting it get the best of him? They didn’t. They didn’t know. They only saw the façade of Erwin. The nice, proper shell. His true self that he only showed to Levi needed rest! He needed to be done.
But how was that Levi’s call? Who was he to decide if Erwin was done? Was that what Erwin would have wanted? Or is that just what he wanted for Erwin?
Are you sure you made the right choice? The questioned echoed in his mind. It surrounded him and it destroyed him over and over again every time it was asked. Maybe he didn’t.
“Hanji…” Levi tried again to speak. “What if….. what if I made the wrong choice?”
The two soldiers sat crying like that for the better part of the night. Hanji gripping Levi and Levi gripping Erwin’s jacket. The room around them echoed with the sounds of their grief.
The right choice? Was there even a right choice? Maybe not. Just two choices with outcomes that would spell misery for somebody. Just two choices filled with regret.