Chapter Text
The first thing Izuku notices upon regaining consciousness is the pounding in his head. The second is the dull, stinging sensation in his right arm. Opening his eyes comes with a great difficulty, feeling rather sluggish, yet having a feeling; a strong itch in his head that refuses to go away, that there’s something he should remember.
Slowly, but surely, all his senses come back to him. The sterile smell that always makes you anxious and want to crawl out of your own skin, ‘Oh, I’m in a hospital’ Izuku thinks, but doesn’t say, not feeling quite in control of his body just yet. Next came the dryness and metallic taste in his mouth, while uncomfortable, it wasn’t overwhelming. When opening his eyes, Izuku was met with the strong fluorescent lights being the only thing to focus on, the rest of his surroundings a blur, almost like his his eyes were a camera lens that stubbornly remains out of focus. The overall feeling was that of his senses being turned down in a way that it felt both not enough and too much at the same time, from not receiving enough input and being hyper-focused on whatever little the boy could get his hands on. It’s the frustrating feeling of being aware of the itch, but not being to scratch it and make it go away.
While trying to focus on anything other than the obnoxious light, Izuku listens intensively to the sound of dripping liquid, the sound itself quiet enough, but within the eerie silence of the hospital room it might as well be played from the speakers at full volume. He looks in the direction of the sound; an IV drip, and upon closer inspection Izuku notices that it’s attached to his arm. As the dripping continues, he becomes more irritated, feeling like every single droplet mocks him for getting into this predicament. Trying to voice his discomfort was another matter however, “Uugh..” was all he could say, because less is more and the dryness in his throat did not allow Izuku to form full sentences.
“Izuku!” called a tired, but full of concern voice from his left, which upon thinking for a second, Izuku recognised to be his mother’s. Turning his head in her direction only made him more aware of the pounding in his head, making Izuku hiss at the sensation.
“Oh honey try not to move, the doctor said you got quite a concussion and a broken leg but it’s actually not that bad considering what happened” - That’s Midoriya Inko for you, always there when you need her, always fretting over her only son; understandably so, whenever there’s space for her to do so and sometimes even when there isn’t. The circles under her eyes, making her look like she hasn’t slept in the past three days and the messy bun on her head being enough of a proof.
The silence on Izuku’s part only made Inko’s worry even greater. She looked her son in the eyes, their green dullness contrasting the brightness of the room they were in “Izuku, do you remembered what happened?” She fidgeted in the plastic chair she was currently sitting at, not knowing how to breach the subject of why her son was currently in a hospital.
Izuku’s mind was whirling. Of course he remembered, how could he not?! It was at this point in his life, stuck in a hospital bed with a concussion and a broken leg when Izuku truly appreciated the wisdom of the words ‘Ignorance is a bliss’. Unfortunately life did not have any bliss in plans for him, as Izuku was now forced to face the consequences of his actions; he was supposed to feel remorse for making his mother worry needlessly, feel anxious about being unconscious for god knows how long and missing school, feel grief about going as far as jumping off the roof of his school partly out of desperation, and partly to spite his childhood friend-turned bully.
Except, Izuku didn’t feel any of those things. Truth be told he felt...nothing.
While he was aware on some level of the adrenaline pulsing through his veins while falling, of a hundred and one thoughts running through his head, of the burned notebook that is probably still in that pond; soaked beyond a point of saving, he just couldn’t force himself to care about any of those things.
Izuku wanted nothing more that drift back into the warm and welcoming arms of the unconsciousness, where he didn’t have to worry about any of those things. His contemplation regarding the catatonic state of his emotions had to be stopped as Izuku remembered that his mother asked him a question and was patiently awaiting some sort on an answer, so he figured he must’ve started mumbling. When faced with his mother’s face; tired, but full of concern, just like her voice, Izuku found himself with words stuck in his throat and settled for simply nodding to get the message across.
She wanted to ask more, he could tell from the way she hunched closer to his bed, her eyes now more alert, attentive, looking ready to take in as much as possible, but he wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not now, not ever. Not when he’s been told by every single person in his life that his dream to become a hero is just unrealistic, not when blindly holding onto that dream lead to nothing but bruises, burns, ripped notebooks and his ever so anxious mother gaining even more reasons to worry. Not when the only way to wake up from that dream and accept the truth was by trying to take his own life. It only confirmed how weak and foolish he is, and no amount of analysis on heros will ever make up for that.
However, Izuku felt that his mother deserved a much better answer, maybe not a full answer, since Izuku himself was unable to fully articulate his thoughts and feelings, but some sort of an answer was due.
“I...I’m sorry” - Not exactly what he was going for, but it was a start.
“Honey, don’t apologise-” Inko couldn’t hold it in anymore as she burst into tears “I just want to know why! Is it...is it some trouble at school? So-some bullies?..or is it my fault?!”
“Not, it’s not your fault! Don’t ever think like that. I-I was just tired, so so tired and hopeless. But it’s alright-”
“Oh Izuku”
“-it’s alright, because you were all right. I can’t become a hero! Never could and never will, it’s cancelled!”
“But it’s always been your dream-”
“Well it was stupid! I was stupid!”
“Don’t. Don’t say that about yourself.”
“YOU CAN’T BECOME A HERO WITHOUT A QUIRK AND LOOK AT ME!!! NOT ONLY DO I NOT HAVE A QUIRK, I’M ALSO WEAK, SO FRICKIN’ WEAK, NO WONDER ALL THE KIDS MADE FUN OF ME! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT’S THE WORST PART?! THAT IT COST ME A SUICIDE ATTEMPT TO FINALLY REALISE WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN SAYING FOR YEARS!-” Izuku was now panting, not used to shouting so much, his emotions getting better of him. “- THAT’S HOW STUPID I AM! BUT IT’S ALRIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I’M ALIVE! I’M FUCKIN ALIVE BUT THIS DREAM IS NOT, THIS DREAM IS DEAD!!!”
Finally when his rant was over, did Izuku become more aware of his surroundings. First he noticed his mother crying, now feeling even worse for lashing out on her, when she hasn’t wronged him in any way. There was a nurse standing by the door, who quickly said something about getting the doctor, before scattering away, probably to give Izuku and his mom some privacy and resolve their family drama.
He was also very much out of breath and felt even more exhausted than before. However he felt somewhat light, by admitting all of this out loud he made it real. It wasn’t delivered the way Izuku hoped for, but he got the point across, especially the last part, and while he felt the familiar tightness of disappointment and self-loathing, almost suffocating him, he also felt content. Sort of. Admitting to himself the unlikeliness of his dream coming true and his own limitations was something that had to be done a long time ago. Izuku by no means felt better, but rather came to accept the truth. Now it was time to try and make things better, though he wasn’t sure he had the energy or will to fix everything that’s been broken, including himself.
“I’m sorry mom”
His point still stands.
Midoriya Izuku’s dream is dead.