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“boys are stupid,” seungwan huffs, plopping down on the bench swing on her best friend’s porch. it sways slightly with the weight, creaking a little when seulgi goes to join her.
seulgi doesn’t say anything, but seungwan knows she’s listening. seulgi’s the best listener she knows - she could sit and rant for hours with seulgi next to her.
“i can’t believe it was all a joke to him,” seungwan continues, burying her face in her hands as she thinks of her boyfriend - well, ex-boyfriend, as of forty-five minutes ago. “all just a stupid dare. so messed up, seul, that’s so fucked up.”
“i know,” seulgi speaks, voice cracking a little from not talking. “i’m sorry.” she pulls seungwan closer to her, aware of the bench groaning underneath her, letting seungwan lean on her.
seulgi thinks she’s good at that. she has always been the one that seungwan leans on. not soojung, not jisoo, her. she prides herself on it.
“i would never do that to you, wan-ah,” seulgi whispers into the crisp night air, letting the words hang heavily in the silence. she wonders if seungwan understands what she really means, if she knows the implication behind her words.
son seungwan’s a smart girl, seulgi thinks. she can connect the dots.
“i know,” seungwan says, sighing and letting her head rest on seulgi’s shoulder. they stay like that for a minute (seulgi counts the seconds in her head, counts her heart beating fast in her chest).
“promise me something?” seungwan breaks the silence, looking up at her best friend as she raises her head from her shoulder.
“what is it?”
“marry me?”
seulgi nearly chokes on air, spluttering with wide eyes. “we- we’re fifteen, wannie!”
“not now, dummy,” seungwan laughs, flicking seulgi’s bare arm with her finger. it hurts, a little, but seulgi is too shocked to register the pain. “when we’re twenty-four - if you’re single, and if i’m single. promise me we’ll get married?”
seulgi can’t help but laugh. only seungwan - only her seungwan would think up this ridiculous pact.
“okay,” she breathes between giggles. seungwan is laughing too, filling the air around them with a cheerfulness that is so unmistakably seungwan. “but it’s never going to happen.”
“face it, seulgi. you’re stuck with me forever.”
//
kang seulgi celebrates her twenty-third birthday alone.
it isn’t all too bad, she reasons. she has her dog. and sooyoung will be home in an hour.
birthdays are always bitter for seulgi. every birthday is one year closer - every birthday taunts her, reminds her of that stupid pact she had made with son seungwan in the summer between their freshman and sophomore years of high school.
one year closer - three hundred and sixty five more days until seulgi’s twenty-fourth birthday. three hundred and seventy six more days until seungwan’s twenty-fourth.
she wonders if seungwan is single. seulgi sure is.
she lets her mind wander, spacing out as she lays on her bed and puts on some decent music to think to. her thoughts drift from place to place, but land on seungwan eventually (as they always do). she wonders how seungwan is doing. she wonders if seungwan remembers that it’s her birthday. she wonders if seungwan has contemplated picking up the phone and giving her a call. seulgi would be lying if she said that she hasn’t thought about doing the same.
“oh my god, just call her already,” sooyoung comments from her bedroom doorway, flicking the lights on. “i’m sick of your moping. it’s your birthday, you should be having fun!”
“sooyoung!” seulgi whines, sitting up in bed and running a hand through her disheveled hair. “i don't know what you’re talking about. i’m having a great time.”
sooyoung gives her a once over, taking in her roommate’s sour expression and sad eyes and decides she has had enough. “come on,” sooyoung says, attempting to pull seulgi out of bed by her arm. “we’re going out.”
seulgi lets sooyoung overpower her, but she plants her feet down firmly onto her carpet when her roommate tries to drag her out of her room. “nope. not going.”
“kang seulgi, you are ridiculously stubborn.”
“come on, sooyoungie. let’s stay in, watch a movie. i’ll even let you pick!”
“no way,” sooyoung wrinkles her nose at the prospect of yet another movie night with seulgi. “yeri invited me to go clubbing, and you know i’m not going to turn her down. so you gotta come with us!”
seulgi is so prepared to say no (she really is, she has absolutely no intention of leaving their apartment), but sooyoung turns on the puppy dog eyes and seulgi finds herself letting herself be dragged out of her room. “oh my god, sooyoung, fine.”
“thank you, thank you, thank you,” sooyoung cheers, grabbing seulgi by the shoulders and pulling her in for a hug. “you won’t regret this, unnie!”
seulgi seriously doubts that - the last time she went to a club, she woke up to a blinding headache, a missing one night stand, and a wallet seventy dollars lighter. but sooyoung is oh-so-determined, and maybe one night won’t be too bad. as long as she doesn’t invite any strangers home.
“now go get dressed!”
//
seulgi really wishes she had stayed in and watched a movie.
she’s sitting at the bar, by herself, sipping her coke and watching joy and yeri dance in the center of the dance floor.
they’re a cute couple, sure, but they would have been no match for her and seungwan.
her and seungwan, after all, had been voted best couple in their school yearbook senior year. they had spent every school break together, going on road trips and sleeping in hotels and watching the stars in each others arms. they were the epitome of the word ‘goals’, as soojung would say. call her a hopeless romantic, but seulgi had been positive that they would be together forever.
until seungwan left her on her twentieth birthday.
the memories come flooding back fast, too fast, seulgi’s head dizzy and eyes watering over until the two girls dancing become two blobs floating in a blurry mob. seungwan’s voice ringing in her ears - “i’m sorry seulgi, i have to leave. we aren’t working out anymore.’’
she clamps a hand over her mouth in a desperate attempt to restrain the sob threatening its way out of her mouth, closing her eyes and catching her breath. just memories, seulgi reminds herself. seungwan is nothing but a memory now.
she wipes the tears from her eyes and orders a round of shots from the bartender. tonight is not a night to celebrate (seulgi’s birthdays are never nights to celebrate), tonight is a night to get black out drunk and forget all about seungwan.
she wishes she could say she’s good at it.
//
she thinks that the stranger in the bar approached her between the ninth and tenth shot of soju. or maybe it was between the tenth and eleventh. the only thing she’s completely sure of is the girl’s name - eunae, she had told seulgi.
“i’m eunae. and you look like you need someone to kiss.”
well, she’s not wrong, seulgi thinks. and that’s how she ends up in jo eunae’s bed, hands all over her body and kisses outlined in red lipstick on her face. they sink into the mattress together, eunae sliding off seulgi’s jeans and pressing a kiss there and everything feels so good, seulgi has never felt more alive, not since -
eunae is good, really good, but seulgi comes unraveled with seungwan’s name on her lips.
//
seulgi wakes up to an empty bed, a raging migraine, and the sound of eggs being fried.
out of reflex, she rushes to check her jean pocket, counting through the bills in her wallet as she sits on the side of the bed. it’s not that she doesn’t trust eunae - her one night stands just seem to have a habit of stealing from her.
“i didn’t sleep with you to rob you,” eunae remarks from the doorway, coming into her bedroom and grabbing the wallet from seulgi’s hands, throwing it behind her.
protest dies on seulgi’s lips when the younger girl straddles her bare legs, wrapping her arms around seulgi’s neck. “so,” eunae starts, planting a kiss on seulgi’s jaw. “who’s seungwan? should i be jealous of him?”
seulgi turns almost as red as eunae’s bedsheets at that, memories of the night before rushing to her head. she remembers it all now, remembers eunae approaching her at the club, remembers following her home, remembers eunae’s mouth all over her body, remembers her moaning her ex-girlfriend’s name. seulgi wants to slap herself - how stupid could she possibly be?
“h-her,” seulgi stutters, wanting nothing more than to jump out the nearest window. “her, not him.”
“you didn’t answer my question,” eunae doesn't miss a beat. “don’t tell me you have a girlfriend. i hate cheaters.”
“ex-girlfriend. i’m not attached.”
“you sounded pretty damn attached last night.”
seulgi swallows, suddenly finding it hard to meet the other girl’s gaze. “i’m sorry. i guess i had a lot on my mind.”
to her surprise, eunae smiles, gives her another kiss. “it’s all good. i liked making you forget.”
//
seulgi comes home to an indignant park sooyoung.
“where were you?” sooyoung explodes from where she’s perched on the couch, glaring at seulgi with an intensity that she has never seen from sooyoung before.
“i brought you tteokbokki,” seulgi deflects, holding up a carryout bag and dangling it so the younger girl can see.
the anger fades from sooyoung’s eyes for a second (seulgi thinks she’s in the clear), but reappears almost as soon as it left.
“do you seriously think you can disappear for a whole night, then come back with tteokbokki like it makes everything okay?” the younger girl is fuming now, standing up from the couch with her arms crossed.
“you were with yeri. i didn’t want to bother you,” seulgi reasons, sticking out the bag in an attempted peace offering.
sooyoung snatches the bag, eying seulgi down suspiciously as she does. “oh my god,” she says, the truth apparently dawning on her. “you totally got laid.”
seulgi blushes, fixing her sight on a point somewhere above sooyoung’s shoulder. she’s an adult, she shouldn’t be so shy about this kind of thing - heaven knows sooyoung and yeri aren’t. “maybe,” she finally exhales. “but you were too busy with yeri to notice.”
sooyoung laughs, all traces of anger gone. “not true! i noticed you were gone as soon as i woke up!”
“i guess yeri kept you occupied last night, then,” seulgi smiles, making her way over to the couch in their shared apartment.
“you’re so embarrassing, seulgi unnie, seriously,” sooyoung sticks her tongue out at the older girl, collapsing on the couch next to her. “so who was keeping you occupied last night?”
“just this girl i met at the club,” seulgi hums, scrolling through her phone as she tries her best to resist the urge to click on the little call symbol next to seungwan’s name - three years and she still stares at seungwan’s name longer than she should.
“ooh, who?” sooyoung wriggles her eyebrows, and seulgi bursts out laughing. sooyoung is such a kid, it’s ridiculous.
“she was nice,” seulgi shrugs, not bothering to go into further detail. “hey, i think i’m gonna give seungwan a call.”
maybe it’s the lighting, but she could swear sooyoung turns a few shades paler at those words. “seungwan? why?”
“just feel like catching up,” seulgi lies, turning her gaze back to her phone. seungwan’s name is still saved as wannie <3 <3, untouched even after their breakup. she’s smiling in her contact picture, hair up in two buns, making a victory sign for the camera. beautiful, seulgi thinks.
“umm…” sooyoung trails off, the usually confident girl suddenly nervous. “unnie, something came in the mail today.”
“what is it?” seulgi asks, narrowing her eyes. something in sooyoung’s tone is off. it’s making her inexplicably anxious, wondering what’s got the younger girl so bothered.
sooyoung clears her throat and grabs something off the top of the mail pile. “here,” she thrusts the envelope towards seulgi, unable to meet her eyes.
kang seulgi is printed on the outside of the envelope in gold, name written in neat, unfamiliar script. she opens it up, sliding the card it contains out carefully.
the card falls to the ground as soon as seulgi reads the first sentence. sooyoung catches seulgi as she crumbles, rubbing soothing circles into the older girl’s back. the younger girl stiffens as a sob rips through the air, seulgi breaking down into her arms. “i’m sorry, unnie,” sooyoung whispers, trying her best to be comforting.
the card lays forgotten on the floor. it’s a nice card, sooyoung has to give it at least that. she had received an identical one in the mail with seulgi’s.
“mr and mrs. son invite you joyfully to join the wedding of their daughter, son seungwan, to bae joohyun.”
yeah, sooyoung would have been surprised, too.
//
bae joohyun is a nice enough girl, seulgi decides, one facebook stalking session and two tissue boxes later. she’s a lawyer, she has rich parents, she seems to have her life together. there is, objectively, nothing wrong with joohyun.
but that doesn’t stop seulgi from hating her more than she’s hated anyone before. because that should be her, not joohyun, in seungwan’s profile picture. she should be the one getting engaged to seungwan, not joohyun. she should be the one who gets to wake up next to seungwan everyday, not joohyun.
maybe it was naive, but seulgi had been hoping, with all her power, that seungwan would be single when her twenty-fourth birthday had rolled around. but now here seungwan was, getting married to some hotshot lawyer.
and seungwan had the nerve to invite her, after ignoring seulgi’s very existence for three whole years.
she has a lot to say to her ex-girlfriend; why did you leave me, why haven’t you called, why her? she tries to push seungwan out of her mind, tries to get some rest, but every time she closes her eyes, she pictures seungwan at an altar, standing next to a woman who isn’t her.
dear seungwan - what happened to forever? love, kang seulgi.
//
the wedding is in six months.
the invitation is pinned to the bulletin board in the kitchen, bright and boastful and beaming. sooyoung takes it down every time she passes through, but it somehow always finds its way back.
sooyoung doesn’t get it. she doesn't understand why seulgi keeps putting the invitation back up, she doesn’t understand why seulgi’s intentionally tormenting herself over the wedding. she asks her one day, before sooyoung leaves for class, and all she gets in return is a shrug. “a reminder,” seulgi says, before turning back to her breakfast.
sooyoung wants to scream. she wants to rip the invitation up in half, call seungwan and tell her that there’s no way in hell they’re going. she hates seeing seulgi so distraught, hates how the older girl shuts herself up in her room all the time, only leaving for work. she hates seungwan, too - hates how seungwan just up and left and abandoned seulgi. sooyoung doesn’t understand how seungwan could have ever done that.
sooyoung looks at yerim and sees her everything. she knows that, at one point, seulgi was seungwan’s everything too.
so how could she just leave?
//
“let me get this straight. you’re going to get coffee?” sooyoung asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. seulgi only nods and grabs her purse, trying to leave the apartment, but the tall girl in front of her refuses to let her go.
“with seungwan?” sooyoung questions, still in disbelief. she wants to force seulgi to stay inside, wants to scream until she get answers - until she somehow finds a way to stop seulgi from all this self-destructive behavior.
seulgi nods again and tries to push past sooyoung, rolling her eyes when her roommate doesn’t move a centimeter. “get out the way, sooyoung,” she mutters, crossing her arms and staring the younger girl down.
“you’re going to regret this, seulgi,” sooyoung sighs, suddenly sounding older than she is, and seulgi feels bad for a moment. she shouldn’t be dragging sooyoung down with her - she knows how she feels about this whole situation. sooyoung doesn’t like seungwan. seulgi can tell from the look in her eyes every time her name pops up in conversation.
“sooyoung..” seulgi trails off, trying to find the right words. “i know how you feel. i just want one last conversation with her. just for closure. you know?”
“closure. right,” it’s clear that sooyoung doesn’t believe her, but she lets seulgi go anyway.
//
seulgi doesn’t get closure.
what she does get is seungwan sitting at a coffee table, looking as beautiful as she did three years ago. she gets a shy smile and her usual coffee order waiting for her in seungwan’s hand - “i remembered,” seungwan says, sliding it to seulgi’s side of the table.
seulgi wonders if it’s a peace offering or an apology. a “let’s be friends” or a “sorry for leaving you behind”.
knowing seungwan, it’s probably both. so seulgi takes it, lets the hot coffee sting her throat as she tries to ignore how seungwan smells the same way she did when she left her that night three years ago.
“you go by wendy now,” it’s not a question, it’s a statement, seulgi feeling the lump in her throat growing as her ex looks into her eyes.
“things change, seulgi.”
“i don’t like it.”
“you’ve never liked it.”
seungwan isn’t wrong - seulgi’s always hated change. she’s always needed constants in her life; one of the reasons why she liked seungwan so much. seungwan was always there, every holiday, every summer, every weekend, until she wasn’t anymore.
“why didn’t you call?” seulgi asks, trying her best to avoid seungwan’s intense eye contact. she looks at the ground, then out the window, at her coffee, at seungwan’s forehead - anywhere but the eyes. seungwan’s eyes have always sucked seulgi in.
“you could have called,” seungwan responds casually, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “communication is a two way street, you know.”
no, i don’t know, seulgi wants to yell. how could i know when you left without a word?
seulgi doesn’t say anything, just takes another sip of her drink (seungwan really had remembered her usual order. she isn’t quite sure how that makes her feel). seungwan seems to take that as her cue to start asking questions.
“are you single?”
“yes.” seulgi had tried to date, but she had seen seungwan’s eyes in every girl.
“joohyun has a sister, you know…” seungwan trails off awkwardly, for once not meeting seulgi’s eyes.
seulgi’s jaw involuntarily clenches at the mention of the other woman. she knows seungwan sees it, but she can’t help it. every time she thinks of joohyun, she feels like smashing something.
“i don’t want to date joohyun’s sister,” seulgi says, voice coming out unnaturally hoarse. “the only person i want is right in front of me.”
“seulgi…” seungwan murmurs, tears welling up in the pretty brown eyes that seulgi loves so much. “you can’t say stuff like that anymore.”
“why not?” seulgi challenges, perfectly aware of seungwan’s answer. but she wants to hear it from the woman herself, wants to make sure that this isn’t just some sick dream conjured up by her conscience. in the back of her mind, she hears sooyoung telling her how stupid she’s being.
seungwan doesn’t say anything at first, just raises her left hand and wriggles her fourth finger. “i’m getting married.”
seulgi finishes her drink in silence, avoiding the guilty look plastered across seungwan’s face. she doesn’t know what she expected - something better than this, something less awkward, maybe a love confession or two over coffee and croissants.
she should have known better.
seungwan clears her throat awkwardly, checking the time on her phone. “i should get going. i have lunch plans.”
“with joohyun?”
“you’re free to join.” seulgi knows seungwan doesn’t really mean it.
“i have work in an hour,” seulgi says. what she really wants to say is i’d rather jump off a roof, but she figures it’s not what seungwan wants to hear.
“i hope i see you at the wedding, seulgi,” seungwan gives her a smile before turning to leave, only to be stopped by seulgi’s fingers wrapped around her wrist.
the touch sends a jolt through seulgi’s body - it’s been so long since she’s felt seungwan’s soft skin against her fingertips. she wonders idly if it’s affecting seungwan as much as it’s affecting her.
seungwan turns around, gives seulgi a questioning look.
“what happened to forever?” seulgi asks, voice cracking as she looks up at her former lover.
“i guess we just grew up,” seungwan exhales. she frees her wrist from seulgi’s grasp, walks out, and doesn’t look back.
//
seulgi wakes up in a cold sweat, phone vibrating on her nightstand.
it’s been two months since their meeting at the coffeehouse. two months since seungwan walked out like that. seulgi’s been dreaming of seungwan for two months straight, dreaming of old adventures and late nights and everything she wishes they could have been.
she’s starting to come to terms with the wedding. the dreams help, she thinks. after all, seungwan may be joohyun’s, but in her dreams, seungwan is all hers.
so why is seungwan calling her at three in the morning?
she picks up her phone with cautious fingers, pressing accept and holding the phone up to her ear gingerly, like it could disappear any moment.
“hello?”
seulgi hears solid silence, and for a moment, she thinks that seungwan has accidentally dialed her in her sleep or something. she sighs and lowers the phone, ready to hang up.
“seulgi?” seungwan whispers, and suddenly, seulgi is wide awake.
“what’s wrong?” seulgi asks, unspoken questions weighing heavily on her tongue. is it joohyun? did she hurt you? i’ll kill her, she thinks, already planning everything out in her head.
“i can’t sleep,” seungwan admits, and seulgi almost laughs in relief.
“where’s joohyun?” seulgi asks, unable to stop a touch of bitterness from creeping through her voice. she can’t help it - she hates her.
“business trip,” seungwan murmurs into the phone, rustling coming through from her side like she’s shifting around. “but you always used to be able to get me to fall asleep.”
there’s nothing wrong with their conversation - it’s completely innocent. but seulgi’s heart races when she hears of joohyun’s absence (she wonders if seungwan’s heart is beating just as fast). this feels too intimate, too something people who are getting married don’t do.
“come over,” seulgi whispers, hearing an awkward laugh on the other side. “i’m serious.”
“wait, really?” seulgi doesn’t need to see her to know that seungwan’s eyebrows are furrowed in confusion.
seulgi slowly gets out of bed, rubbing her tired eyes, shuffling towards the kitchen. “yeah. come over, let me make you some hot chocolate or something.”
seungwan doesn’t say much before hanging up the phone, just a quick okay and an i’ll be there in five.
she wonders if seungwan still remembers where she lives.
//
seungwan’s borderline exhausted, and it’s probably a really bad idea to be driving at this time, but the route to seulgi’s apartment is second nature at this point. they don’t live too far away, only a ten minute drive over, but soon seungwan’s going to be moving into joohyun’s place on the nicer side of town.
she isn’t like seulgi when it comes to change - seulgi detests change, seungwan welcomes it. but something about the cardboard boxes in her apartment makes her inexplicably nervous - they’re taunting, but seungwan for the life of her can’t figure out why.
seungwan’s legs take her up the stairs of the apartment complex by instinct. left side, third floor. seungwan raises her arm to knock, but seulgi swings open the door before she can.
“hey,” seulgi whispers, ushering her inside her place. it’s small, exactly the way seungwan remembers it to be, but homey too, with pictures of family and friends decorating the walls. “i wasn’t sure if you knew where you were going.”
“are you kidding?” seungwan chuckles softly, tearing her gaze away from the pictures on the walls. “it’s like coming home.”
seulgi clears her throat uncomfortably, not sure what to say - she wonders if seungwan sometimes doesn’t understand the implication behind her own words. she’s not sure if she wants seungwan to mean it.
“oh! um, i’m gonna go make you a hot chocolate,” seulgi retreats back into her kitchen, seungwan resisting the urge to smile. her seulgi has always been so adorable.
her eyes travel down the line of pictures hung up on the wall facing the entrance. seulgi with her friends, seulgi with her roommate, seulgi with her family. there’s something off about it - something has changed since seungwan last set her eyes on it.
there’s a picture missing. it was of her and seulgi, sitting on the beach during the summer between their junior and senior years of high school. it was a good picture - seungwan always loved looking at it. but now its spot has been taken by a polaroid of seulgi sandwiched between her roommate and an unfamiliar girl.
an unfamiliar emotion grips at seungwan, and it terrifies her. anger? jealousy? all she knows is that she wants that picture back up on the wall, but she isn’t quite sure why she wants it so badly.
maybe she’s more like seulgi than she thought she was.
seulgi comes back after a few minutes, nursing a steaming mug of hot chocolate in her hands. she guides seungwan to the couch, placing the mug in her hands before scooting to the opposite side of the couch. seungwan frowns a little at the distance - seulgi should be next to her.
“why are you here, seungwan?” seungwan winces at the tone, wants to tell her that it’s wendy now, but she can’t find it in her. a little part of her likes it, she thinks. it’s a blast to the past, with seulgi sitting on her couch and calling her seungwan like nothing has changed, like seungwan isn’t getting married in four months.
“you’re the one who invited me,” seungwan says, corners of her mouth creasing up into that trademark smile.
“you’re the one who called,” seulgi retorts, and for once, seungwan doesn’t have an answer. she doesn’t know why she called seulgi, doesn’t know why she dialed her ex-girlfriend instead of her fiancée. she should have a reason, but she doesn’t, and it scares her.
“i just couldn’t sleep,” she blurts, and it’s not a lie, not really.
seulgi raises an eyebrow and tucks her legs underneath her. “you could have called joohyun.”
“but i wanted to call you.”
seulgi sucks in a breath and stares at the ground in front of her. “don’t say stuff like that, wan-ah.”
it’s the first time seulgi’s called her anything but seungwan in three years, and it makes seungwan’s heart swell. she doesn’t want to think about why.
“why not?” seungwan whispers, scooting closer to seulgi’s side of the couch. something inside of her brain is telling her that this is wrong - she shouldn’t be in her ex-lover’s apartment at three in the morning. there’s another part of her telling that part to shut up - this is innocent, she thinks. perfectly innocent.
“you’re getting married,” seulgi says, unsure of who she’s really reminding. “and i keep having to think about that, because otherwise i’m afraid i’m going to do something i’m really going to regret.”
“like what?” seungwan murmurs, coming even closer to seulgi now. they are close enough to hear each other breathing in the dark room, close enough for seungwan to feel her thigh pressed up against seulgi’s side. she feels the warmth radiating off of seulgi, and she can’t stop it, she needs more. she tilts her head onto seulgi’s shoulder slowly, leaning on seulgi like she did so many years ago.
seungwan hears seulgi’s breath catch and she smiles, wrapping her arms around seulgi, the mug of hot chocolate forgotten on the floor. “answer me, seulgi.”
seulgi can’t answer, her mind is racing, coming up with a million questions in her head but all she can feel is seungwan’s arms around her, hands firmly on her midsection - and all she can think about is how seungwan’s touch would be directly on her skin if it weren’t for the flimsy t-shirt in her way.
it’s dangerous, seulgi thinks, being so close to seungwan, feeling her touch like it’s three years ago and they’re still in love, sitting on seulgi’s couch like nothing’s changed. but something has changed, seulgi reminds herself, the shiny ring on seungwan’s finger a painful reminder.
“we should head to bed,” seulgi whispers, slowly disentangling herself from seungwan’s grasp. she wants to stay there, wants to be held by seungwan forever until morning breaks, but it’s too dangerous, seungwan is too intoxicating. “i’ll take the couch.”
“are you kidding?” seungwan scoffs, standing up and pulling seulgi up with her. “you’re sleeping in your bed.”
“but..” seulgi trails off. “where are you going to sleep?”
“with you, duh,” seungwan responds, a familiar smile on her face as she leads seulgi to her bedroom. right where she remembers it to be. of course.
//
seungwan insists on a lullaby to help her sleep. seulgi complies, as she always does.
they lay in seulgi’s bed, seulgi curled around the shorter girl, playing with seungwan’s hair. it’s hard to stop herself - it’s all too easy to fall into old habits.
seulgi sings the old lullabies her mother used to sing to her. she knows seungwan knows every word already - she doesn’t need to see seungwan’s face to know that she mouths the words to every song.
somewhere between the third and the fourth melody, seungwan falls asleep. her breathing slows, and she melts into seulgi’s front, fully relaxed. seulgi stops singing and wraps an arm around seungwan’s waist. this is wrong - she knows it is, no doubt about it, but for one night, she wants to pretend that nothing has changed.
they fall asleep together, hearts beating as one.
//
seulgi wakes up alone. she jolts up in bed, remembering last night, remembering how seungwan had fit against her perfectly like she had so many years before.
so where is she?
someone clears their throat from the doorway - seulgi deflates back into her mattress when she realizes exactly who it is.
“good morning, sooyoung,” seulgi says, rolling over in bed. she wonders if sooyoung knows who was in their apartment last night. she’s sure she wouldn’t be happy about it.
“don’t worry,” sooyoung speaks, voice lacking its usual joy. “she didn’t steal anything before she left.”
“she left?” seulgi hates how her voice comes out in a squeak. why is she surprised? of course seungwan left. she has somebody to go home to, after all.
“said something about joohyun coming home early,” sooyoung comes into the room and sits on the edge of seulgi’s bed, watching her with an unfamiliar look in her eyes. seulgi thinks it’s pity. “seul-“
“i don’t want to hear it,” seulgi grumbles, turning away from sooyoung. she’s not in the mood to be lectured. she knows exactly what the younger girl is going to say - you’re being self-destructive, she’s taking advantage of you, you know better than this, seulgi.
sooyoung doesn’t say anything, just bites her bottom lip and leaves.
//
wannie <3 <3: meet me at the coffeeshop in an hour?
kang seulgi: sure thing, wan-ah.
//
three months until the wedding.
one month since seungwan had come over to seulgi’s apartment in the middle of the night. one month since they had fallen asleep together, cuddled underneath the bedsheets. it’s also, coincidentally, one month since seungwan had asked seulgi to be a bridesmaid.
“are you serious?” seulgi hisses, trying her hardest not to attract attention from the other people in the coffeeshop. “what the hell makes you think i want to be up there with you and joohyun?”
seungwan swallows hard. “you mean a lot to me, seulgi-“
“the only way i’m standing up there is if i’m standing next to you,” seulgi scoffs, drops her empty coffee cup in the nearest trash can. “bye, seungwan.”
this time, it’s seungwan who darts her hand out in an attempt to stop seulgi from leaving. “seulgi, please,” she pleads. “just consider it, okay? this is what i want.”
three days later, seungwan gets a text from seulgi.
kang seulgi: okay. i’ll be a bridesmaid.
seulgi has always been weak - too weak, when it comes to seungwan.
//
two months until the wedding.
tonight is the night that seulgi has been dreading for a long, long time.
tonight is the bridal shower.
tonight is the night that kang seulgi meets bae joohyun.
she knows she can’t skip out - after all, she basically planned the whole thing, from the venue to the caterer to the color of the flower arrangements. soojung - their childhood friend who proudly holds the role of maid of honor - has been helping too, of course, but seulgi prefers to do things her way.
i know exactly what seungwan wants, seulgi tells soojung. soojung knows better than to disagree. she’s not wrong, after all.
they arrive a little later than seulgi would have liked - yeri left the gifts at home, so the girls were forced to backtrack to their apartment - but they arrive nonetheless. the venue is beautiful (seulgi had fought a handful of shower planners for it, insisted that her seungwan deserved the very best), there are chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and guests mingling with flutes of champagne in their hands.
“seungwan unnie!” yeri jumps and waves and seulgi has to resist the urge to push her into the nearest table.
then seungwan turns around and seulgi suddenly feels very light-headed, because there she is, looking bright and beautiful and god she is so in love. but these are inappropriate thoughts for your best friend/ex-girlfriend’s bridal shower, so she bites her lip and waves at seungwan and hopes her desire isn’t painted all over her face.
the crowd around seungwan slowly dissipates as seulgi eagerly watches, waiting for the last person to leave so she can swoop in and talk to her. the last person steps away - finally, seulgi thinks, looking up to catch seungwan’s eye except -
those are not seungwan’s light brown eyes. these are darker, more intense, definitely not as sweet.
joohyun is looking right at her, arm draped around seungwan’s waist possessively.
seulgi gulps and wonders what joohyun knows.
//
“i need to get out of here,” seulgi whines, downing the glass of champagne sooyoung hands her.
“calm down, seul,” sooyoung says, eyes worried - seulgi hates how sooyoung is always so worried around her. “come on, go get some fresh air.”
seulgi agrees, on the condition that sooyoung gets her another glass of champagne. sooyoung rolls her eyes and pushes her out onto the balcony, closing the door behind her roommate.
unfortunately for seulgi, the balcony is not completely empty. a woman in a white pantsuit is looking out into the sky from where she is standing, nursing a flute of her own in her hands.
“kang seulgi, right?” the woman turns to face her and seulgi sucks in a deep breath, looking into those dark intense eyes from earlier.
“hello, joohyun,” seulgi responds, trying her best to offer the woman a cordial smile while simultaneously fumbling for the door handle. god, she’s going to kill sooyoung.
“i just wanted to say thank you for planning this. i know how much you mean to seungwan,” joohyun gives her a smile in return - it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
do you? seulgi wants to scream. do you know exactly how much i mean to seungwan?
instead she nods, shoulders stiff and back taut. “it was my pleasure.”
“seulgi, i wanted to ask you for a favor.”
“yes?”
joohyun approaches her, staring her down with those eyes and seulgi refuses to look away, trying her best to match joohyun in intensity.
“stay away from seungwan,” she speaks in an icy tone that sends shivers down seulgi’s spine. seulgi flinches a little, unwittingly. how could seungwan have fallen for a woman like her?
“you know as well as i do that i can’t do that, ms. bae,” seulgi stands up a little straighter, tries her best to match joohyun’s tone. seulgi couldn’t stay away from seungwan even if she tried.
to her surprise, joohyun merely shrugs and tosses her hair over her shoulder. “don't be surprised when you get your heart broken, seulgi.”
with that, she goes back into the party, leaving a distraught and drunk kang seulgi behind.
//
“seulgi!” seungwan grins and waves, and seulgi can’t stop the grin from spreading across her face.
“hey, wan-ah,” seulgi laughs when seungwan crashes into her, the bride-to-be giving seulgi a tight squeeze before stepping back. “you look nice.”
“thank you!” seungwan beams, twirling around for seulgi. she’s wearing a flowy white dress, fabric swirling around her small form as she moves. seulgi thinks she looks a little like a cloud. the most beautiful cloud she’s ever seen by far. “earth to seulgi?”
seulgi shakes her head slightly as seungwan brings her out of her daze, meeting those beautiful brown eyes. “sorry. just in my thoughts.”
seungwan just gives her a kind smile, corners of her mouth creasing up into that expression seulgi loves so much. “hey, seul-“ she reaches out to grab seulgi’s hand and seulgi reaches for the touch, only for seungwan to suddenly drop her hand and look towards the ground, guilt painted across her pretty face.
“baby! there you are,” seulgi hears joohyun’s voice from behind her and stiffens. seungwan’s guilty expression, the way she was acting, it all makes sense.
joohyun slides up next to seungwan, wraps an arm around her waist - she’s looking at seulgi with eyes that scream mine, mine, mine. “nice to see you again, seulgi,” she remarks coolly, looking at her with those intense eyes.
seulgi resists the urge to flee and musters up a fleeting smile. “likewise.”
“oh!” seungwan exclaims, suddenly feeling left out. “you two know each other?”
“we’ve talked before,” joohyun says simply, turning her gaze off of seulgi.
finally, seulgi thinks, letting her shoulders slump a little in relief. she doesn’t miss the panicked look that flicks briefly across seungwan’s face - how her imagination must be racing at the thought of her two lovers conversing behind her back.
it should be satisfying, seeing seungwan squirm a little. if only seulgi didn’t know that seungwan’s already made her choice - she picked joohyun, she’ll always pick joohyun.
joohyun’s attention is back on her almost as fast as it had left. “seulgi, do you mind giving us a minute?”
“of course not,” seulgi swallows the lump in her throat and turns around, leaves the room to stand in the hallway.
she tries her hardest to ignore the emotion welling up in her chest.
//
bae joohyun is not stupid.
how could she be? she went through nine years of schooling to become a lawyer - she passed the bar exam on her very first try. she was valedictorian at all three of her graduations. she’s worked hard, too damn hard to let her fiancée be stolen away by some girl from the past.
she’s not stupid. she sees the way seungwan looks at seulgi, knows exactly the look in seungwan’s eyes because it’s how seungwan looks at her, too. she hates how seungwan feels the need to drag her ex-girlfriend into everything they do - the wedding party, the bridal shower, hell, even the coffeehouse they go to in the mornings.
everything is seulgi, seulgi, seulgi. joohyun hates it. she hates her.
but joohyun can’t help but smile as she watches seulgi’s retreating form. that girl knows her place in this demented love story - seulgi’s there to love, not to be loved. after all, joohyun is winning. joohyun’s the one getting married to the love of her life, not seulgi. joohyun’s the one who gets to wake up every morning to seungwan, not seulgi. joohyun’s the one who gets to kiss seungwan and hold seungwan and touch seungwan, not seulgi.
but sometimes she looks into seungwan’s eyes and she’s not so sure if she’s the one who’s winning anymore.
“what’s going on, hyun?” seungwan asks, tilting joohyun’s chin up with the hand that isn't holding a glass of champagne. joohyun’s dark eyes meet seungwan’s brown, the ones that she (and seulgi, she knows) fell for so hard.
“do you…” joohyun starts, then trails off, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. her heart is racing in her chest, wondering if she really wants to the answer to her question. she could drop the whole thing right now, just say it’s nothing and whisk her home.
but she has to know. she has to.
“are you still in love with seulgi?”
there’s a gasp and the glass in seungwan’s hand falls to the ground, shattering along with joohyun’s heart.
“i-i’m sorry,” seungwan says, eyes filling with tears, and joohyun’s not sure if she’s talking about the glass or about seulgi. “joohyun, i love you, i’m so in love with you, you have to believe me-“
“but you love her more, right?” joohyun’s voice is unnaturally shaky, pulling away her hand when seungwan tries to grab it. “don’t.”
“joohyun-“ seungwan repeats, voice horse and broken and joohyun’s worst fears are confirmed - seungwan’s not bothering to lie anymore.
“i see the way you look at her,” joohyun sniffles, wipes away a tear from the corner of her eye. “i’m not stupid, seungwan.”
“joohyun, baby,” seungwan whispers, caressing her cheek and wiping her tears away. “i’m sorry. but i still love you, hyun, i love you so much.”
she lets seungwan hold her, lets her dry the tears. she lets seungwan whisper promises into her ear, promises like we can get through this and after the wedding, i’ll stop talking to her and i love you, i love you so much, you’re the love of my life.
bae joohyun isn’t stupid. she knows that they’re just pretty little lies.
//
one month until the wedding.
one month until the wedding and kang seulgi gets a text from son seungwan.
wannie <3 <3: meet me at our coffeeshop in fifteen.
kang seulgi: see you there, wan-ah.
seulgi isn’t sure when exactly the coffeeshop turned into our coffeeshop, but she’s not complaining. it’s the little things, she reminds herself. she has to relish in the little things before seungwan is officially no longer hers.
seungwan always arrives at the coffeeshop - their coffeeshop - earlier than seulgi. she always has seulgi’s usual order in hand. she always slides it across the table when seulgi sits down.
today is different. seungwan is late. seulgi gets her coffee by herself - it doesn’t taste as good as it does when seungwan orders it.
and when she does arrive - thirty minutes late, seulgi thinks, almost as bitter as the liquid on her tongue - she’s a mess, hair up in a messy bun, eyes red and sniffling.
“joohyun called the wedding off,” she cries into her latte, not caring for the looks the customers throw her way.
seulgi’s eyes widen in shock - there’s no way, the two had been doing so good the last time she saw them. then again, the last time she saw them was at the bridal shower. a lot can change in a month. “what happened?” she asks, grabbing seungwan’s hand and rubbing comforting circles with her thumb.
“s-she, she knows,” seungwan sniffles, allowing seulgi to comfort her. she misses this - she missed seulgi so much.
“knows what, wan-ah?”
“she knows that i’m in love with you,” seungwan blurts out, and seulgi freezes.
seungwan continues like she hasn’t noticed seulgi’s reaction - maybe she hasn’t, seulgi thinks. she knows how seungwan can get when she’s emotional, all caught up in her own head.
“i tried so hard, seulgi, i really did, but i just-“
“just can’t stay away from you,” seulgi breathes, finishes her sentence for her. seungwan looks up into serene brown eyes that match her teary ones perfectly and suddenly she can’t breathe - this is what she’s been waiting for all of these years and seulgi is right in front of her and it’s all too much, too sudden.
“seulgi, i’m so sorry, i’m sorry for everything,” seungwan babbles, covering her face with her hands, but it’s okay, because she knows when she peeks out, seulgi will be there, waiting for her like always.
//
“happy one month,” seulgi says over breakfast at their coffeehouse, stealing some of seungwan’s bacon off of her plate.
a lot can change in a month.
//
kang seulgi celebrates her twenty-fourth birthday surrounded by family.
seungwan had baked the cake - vanilla, seulgi’s favorite. yeri and sooyoung are there, holding hands and throwing confetti into everyone’s hair like the playful devils they are. seulgi even gets a card from bae joohyun - thinking of you, inscribed in that neat, unfamiliar script.
she doesn’t hate joohyun. not anymore. how could she?
her friends sing her happy birthday and seungwan kisses her twenty-four times and seulgi thinks that she has never been happier in her entire life.
//
eleven days later, son seungwan celebrates her twenty-fourth birthday, too.
this time, they celebrate in seulgi’s childhood home while her parents are away. they’re really only there to housesit, but they make the best of it anyway.
seulgi bakes the cake - carrot cake (it’s the only cake seulgi knows how to make. she gets a kiss for effort). yeri and sooyoung are up to their usual antics, running around the empty house and inhaling helium from the balloons they had inflated earlier that day. seungwan doesn’t get a card from joohyun - she doesn’t blame her.
later, when everyone’s had their share of carrot cake, seulgi and seungwan sit on the bench swing on seulgi’s front porch. it’s a little cold, and seungwan draws closer to seulgi, wraps her arms around seulgi’s waist and leans in.
seulgi’s always been good at that - letting seungwan lean on her.
“you never told me why you broke up with me,” seulgi says, breaking the silence a little too cheerfully.
“seul, it’s my birthday, and that’s what you want to talk about?”
“just curious,” seulgi shrugs, leans down to plant a kiss on seungwan’s forehead.
“we were so different at that point, you know?” seungwan murmurs, eyebrows furrowing as she recalls old memories. “like i was changing. you were changing. we had grown up together and all of a sudden we weren’t the same. i couldn’t handle it.”
seulgi hums in response, playing with seungwan’s hair. she knows the younger girl is right - they were fighting a lot, back then. there was always a problem, always something to argue over.
“i’m glad that we broke up when we did,” seulgi says, tucking a strand of hair behind seungwan’s ear.
“really? why?”
“because now i get to fall in love with you all over again.”
“you’re so cheesy, seul,” seungwan laughs, nuzzling against her girlfriend’s cheek. “you never stopped loving me.”
“you’re right,” seulgi says, watching as the sun sets. she has never felt more content, sitting out in nature with seungwan at her side.
“i never stopped loving you either.”
“hey, wanna get married?”
“i’m sort of seeing someone,” seungwan giggles, sticking her tongue out at her girlfriend.
“oh man,” seulgi smiles, looking into those brown eyes she has always and will always love. “so much for that damn pact.”