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This isn’t Philip’s first rodeo. Actually, he’s never been to a real rodeo, but he bets they have them out in Tivoli. Kids who do 4-H and FFA in their free time because they actually want to. He can’t quite imagine what that’s like.
Still, it’s not his first time meeting new people, being taken away from his home in the city and driven out to the middle of nowhere, New York, surrounded by fields and trees and fresh air. Helen and Gabe are trying. Well, Gabe’s better at it than Helen, Philip thinks when they first meet and Helen rushes off to work moments later.
“You want some breakfast before school?” Gabe asks, and Philip merely shakes his head. He’d rather just get this day over with. Besides, if there’s one thing he’s learned in all his years on this earth, it’s that it’s easier to go along than fight back.
There’s no adjustment period in foster care. One day you meet your new “family” then you’re tossed in school with a bunch of strangers.
The drive through town lasts all of five minutes—highlights include the grocery store, pizza place, and a gas station. At least there’s a bus station, but Philip doesn’t let himself think about checking the time tables. It’s better if he doesn’t.
Gabe offers to come with Philip to the office, but Philip slips out of the car without answering him. He doesn’t need an escort. It’s obvious from the way kids glance his way that he’s going to stick out enough as it is.
Philip has been the new kid his fair share of times, but never out here. Never in a place where everyone has probably known each other from birth and the arrival of a new kid is gossip-worthy.
He slings his bag over his shoulder and stuffs his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, keeping his head down as he weaves through the crowd. The school is half the size of the one he went to in the city, but it still takes Philip longer than it should to find the office.
The woman there barely glances at him as she pulls out a file that he assumes Gabe and Helen are responsible for.
“Here’s your schedule,” she says, though she doesn’t give him a map. “You’re late for English.”
“Thanks,” Philip says, though she’s been anything but helpful. So much for small town hospitality. It must just be a myth perpetuated by TV.
The halls are eerily silent when Philip emerges from the office, but at least there’s no one to see him wander around aimlessly looking for classroom numbers.
He finally finds the English classroom and he opens the door without bothering to brace himself for the abrupt silence that follows his action.
The teacher, an older, balding man, gestures him in. “You must be our new student,” he says, and Philip closes the door carefully behind him, avoiding the curious gaze of twenty pairs of eyes. “You can take the seat behind Rose, there.”
A pretty girl, who was whispering to the blond guy next to her, snaps her gaze to Philip when the teacher says her name.
Philip chooses the ignore the way everyone’s eyes seem to follow him to his seat, and how they don’t look away until the teacher goes on.
“We’ve just started on The Great Gatsby,” he says. “I’ll get you a copy after class. So, anyway, Daisy and Gatsby…”
Philip slumps into his seat. He’s already read it. And he’s seen the movie. About ten times. Instead, he stares out the window and wishes he were anywhere else.
*
Every class is the same, from the vague introductions from the teachers to the awkward stares of his new classmates. Philip has three classes with that Rose girl and in every one, she ignores him. He can’t say he expected much different.
By the end of the day, Philip has decided that he hates it here. But when Gabe asks how school was, he says, “Fine.”
Helen isn’t home so Philip excuses himself to his room after a slightly-awkward dinner on both their parts.
The room is nice, but it’s nice in a way a hotel is. Nothing feels like it’s his. The sheets are too new, like Helen and Gabe never have guests. It smells like lavender soap and the bed is a touch too springy as Philip sits down and dumps his bag on the floor. It’s full of homework, assignments, things he is expected to catch up on. As if they expect him to be there long enough to catch up.
Despite all the green outside his window, the field that seems to extend into the trees, Philip feels trapped. It’s only been two days. Two days with God only knows how many more to go.
He knows he should be grateful that he got stuck with Helen and Gabe, who at least seem to treat him like he isn’t five. Or a criminal. He’s not sure the rest of the school is going to be as willing to accept him.
If he’s being honest, he doesn’t care what the people at school think. It’s more important to survive this. Just a few years and he’ll age out then he can help his mom.
A knock comes at the door and Philip turns to see the door opening without his response.
“Philip?” Helen sticks her head in, surveying the room like maybe she’d half expected him not to be there. She’s still in her uniform, a gun in her holster, a walkie in the other slot. “How was school?”
On first glance, Helen doesn’t seem like a cop, but when she speaks, there’s a stern-ness, a weight, to her voice that makes Philip think twice about lying.
“Fine,” he says, though. Lying is one thing he’s always had to be good at.
Helen nods, and Philip can practically see her thinking of what to ask next. “The kids were nice?”
“Sure,” Philip says because it won’t matter what he tells her. He’s not sure she wants to know. She’s just asking because she feels like she should.
“How about I drive you to school tomorrow?” she says, and well, she’s trying.
“Sure,” he agrees, though he’s more relieved when she leaves and closes the door behind her.
Lying on the bed, he stares at the ceiling and takes a deep breath. He just has to get through this. That’s all he has to do.
*
Rose isn’t there when Philip steps into the English classroom, but he’s early today, or actually, on time. Her empty seat doesn’t stop the rest of the kids from staring at him as he steps in. The boy, the blond one in the seat next to Rose’s, watches Philip cross the room and take his seat.
At his desk, Philip lets his gaze linger on the guy for just a moment. He’s got terribly-bleached hair, like he did it himself. He’s tall and thin and just what Philip shouldn’t be thinking about.
“I heard he shot his dad.”
Philip stills in dragging out his notebook at a whisper behind him.
“Nah. I heard his mom’s in prison for being a drug mule.”
It takes all the effort Philip has to straighten up and keep his gaze forward. He can still hear the whispers, though.
Taking a breath, he wills himself to let it go. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Tapping his pen against his notebook, he resolutely doesn’t turn around, glancing around for something else to focus on.
The guy, the blond one, is watching him, and Philip catches him. The moment lasts a beat too long as Philip frowns.
“Hey, Baby!” Rose sweeps into the classroom before Philip can do much more than wonder why anyone would even be interested in him aside from figuring out which rumors are true. She descends on the blond guy with a kiss and slides into her seat.
“Hey,” the guy replies, and Philip flips open his notebook to a blank page, doodling in the margins and blocking out their conversation. He blocks out every conversation even when the teacher finally shows up and class begins.
*
His name is Lukas. Not that Philip should care.
His name is Lukas and he’s dating Rose. That much is obvious from the way they’re always together. Philip presses past them in the hall, avoids them at lunch, avoids everyone at lunch. He eats by himself on a bench under a tree on the farthest side of campus. He’s lucky winter is mostly over, but a chill lingers in the air and he tugs his jacket closed.
Philip knows better than to think about Lukas. Only about four percent of the population is gay, and Philip figures there probably aren’t any in Tivoli. Well, except him, and that’s probably the four percent right there.
Back home, it was never a big deal, but Philip thinks it would be here. He gets enough weird looks simply because he’s new. Not because anyone knows that he’s gay or the real reason he’s living with Helen and Gabe.
So Philip tells himself not to think about it. He keeps his gaze to himself and tries to disappear in class. One thing he’s learned is that teachers like the quiet ones. Lukas is quiet too, but in a different way. He seems to have a lot of friends where Philip has none.
Philip’s never been good at having friends. Any he managed to make didn’t last long once their parents figured out he was from the wrong side of the tracks. Even in a school where everyone was from the wrong side of the tracks, Philip hadn’t managed to make many friends. He supposes they’ve already forgotten about him by now.
He doesn’t count on making many friends in Tivoli, despite Gabe’s reassurance that it’s a great town. Maybe for Gabe, who’s friendly and outgoing, and knows everyone already.
“Hurry up!”
Someone knocks into Philip as he leaves school that afternoon, hurrying down the stairs and heading towards the parking lot. Someone else rushes past and Philip watches them head over to a gathering crowd. Must be a fight.
An engine revving catches his attention, and Philip knows he shouldn’t, but curiosity gets the better of him. He doesn’t press through the crowd enough to be noticed, hanging back and watching over the heads as Lukas shows off tricks on a motorbike.
Philip knows next to nothing about motocross except that it’s a thing people do. Still, he likes the way Lukas looks on the bike.
The bike skids to a stop and Lukas pulls off the helmet, shaking back his hair like a 90s super model, and Philip catches himself smiling at the gesture. He could even swear, for just a second, that Lukas looks at him, eyes meeting through the crowd, but then Rose steps forward to hug him and it’s over.
He has to stop reading into this, Philip tells himself firmly as he turns from the group and slinks away. He’s already the weird new kid as it is. He doesn’t need to add to the rumor mill.
Philip doesn’t want to go back to Helen and Gabe’s, though. He doesn’t want to sit on the front porch and make awkward conversation with Gabe about school. In the couple of days he’s been going, they’ve already exhausted the subject.
Town is small enough that Philip can’t get lost, but he wishes it were bigger. He’s too uneasy to try to navigate outside of town, in the woods. He passes the police station but he doesn’t see Helen inside. He’s not sure they have anything to talk about either at this point.
At the end of the main street, the gas station is empty except for a single car at the pump. Philip pushes open the door to the store, wandering to the fridge along the wall. For a moment, he stares at the choices of sodas. He’s just wasting time before he has to go back to the house.
At length, he picks up a Dr. Pepper, the glass door snapping shut behind him.
“Good choice.”
Philip whips around at the voice behind him, surprised and confused to find Lukas standing at the end of the aisle. Lukas steps forward, grabbing a coke out of the fridge.
“You’re Philip, right?” he asks as the door shuts with a snap.
Words seem to abandon Philip for a moment as he tries to work out why Lukas is even talking to him.
“Uh, yeah,” he manages finally. “And you’re Lukas.” It comes out a tad more sarcastic than he means it but Lukas smiles as though he’s said something funny.
“You’re staying with Sheriff Torrance, right?” Lukas asks as he heads for the counter, and Philip guesses he’s supposed to follow. “She seems like a hardass.”
Lukas pays for his drink and Philip isn’t sure what they’re doing. Why Lukas is talking to him. He isn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he knows enough to be wary of the situation.
“Yeah, she kinda is,” he agrees. “But Gabe’s nice.”
“Must suck,” Lukas says as Philip pays next.
“What?” Philip asks carefully because a lot of things suck in his life right now.
“Staying with strangers.”
Philip isn’t sure what Lukas knows, or if he’s just been listening to rumors. He just shrugs in response. He’s not going to give away any information until he’s sure Lukas isn’t just looking for confirmation.
Outside, it’s a sunny day and Lukas’ bike is parked around the corner.
“Nice bike,” Philip says before he can stop himself. “I saw you riding earlier.”
Lukas smiles again, and it’s the kind of smile Philip could stare at all day if he had the chance. “Yeah, you like motocross?”
“Sure, yeah,” Philip says because if there’s one thing he knows, it’s that you should agree with the cute boy. No matter that he knows fuck all about motocross or bikes, but if Lukas is into it, he can be too. Temporarily. “You’re pretty good.”
“Pretty good?” Lukas repeats, eyebrows rising. “I am awesome.”
Philip actually smiles, and he hates that his heart skips a beat at the action, like Lukas has said something particularly funny or done anything other than talk to him.
“Maybe,” he admits, and Lukas laughs.
“Maybe,” he repeats, grabbing his helmet off the seat. “I gotta get home and feed the turkeys.”
Philip doesn’t ask what that means exactly, but he hopes they’re real turkeys and not a weird country euphemism.
“Okay,” he says, and Lukas doesn’t say anything else as he rides off. No ‘see you around,’ ‘talk to you later,’ nothing. Not that Philip expected it. He knows better than to get his hopes up.
Still, he thinks as he cracks open his soda and turns away from the convenience store, at least someone talked to him who wasn’t a teacher. It’s a start.
*
It’s not so much a turning point because nothing really changes. People whisper less as the days go by. Philip still doesn’t feel like he belongs. Helen keeps trying. She’s really not good at the whole small talk thing, and honestly, neither is Philip.
“I was thinking pizza for dinner tonight,” she says as they make the short drive to school. Philip has a bike and he could use it, but he figures he may as well let her try. Plus it’s faster.
“Sounds fine,” he says because at least it’s not Helen trying to cook again. He isn’t sure he’ll ever get the taste of burnt noodles out of his mouth.
“Pizza out here isn’t as good as in the city, but we make do.” She smiles at him, and Philip tries to smile back.
It could be worse, he knows. He could be stuck in some group home with strict curfews and rules and too many kids to look after. He’s lucky Helen and Gabe wanted him, though he’s still not quite sure why they would want a teenager. Teenagers have issues. Teenagers are hard. They must be masochistic.
“I’ll see you later,” Helen says as she drops him off in front of the school.
Philip can feel the eyes on him as he gets out of the car, the sheriff’s car speeding away behind him.
He ignores the people who still find his presence interesting and heads inside, shoving a few books in his locker and going to English class.
Rose and Lukas are there, but neither of them seem to pay him any attention. Philip is almost sure he imagined Lukas talking to him the other day because he hasn’t said anything since then.
He takes his seat, dumping his bag on the floor and scanning the room. A camera sits on the corner of one of the desks, a kid named Tommy who he hasn’t actually spoken to.
“Nice camera,” he says and Tommy only half-frowns at him.
“It’s a DSLR,” he says and Philip nods.
“Nikon 5600,” Philip says without thinking. What he wouldn’t give for a camera like that. All he has is his crappy cell phone. There’s no way he’d ever be able to afford something like that.
“Yeah,” Tommy says, sounding surprised.
“I do video editing sometimes,” Philip says by way of explanation for the confused look Tommy is giving him. He doesn’t say that he takes videos on his phone and cobbles them together into something decent on a computer. School computer usually since he doesn’t have one at home. He hasn’t asked Helen and Gabe to use theirs just yet.
“Huh,” is all Tommy says, and Philip figures that’s the best he’s going to get.
Maybe, if he can convince Tommy he’s not a psycho, he could borrow it sometime. It’s unlikely, but still.
When he turns back to the front of the room, he catches Rose’s eyes dart from him as she whispers something to Lukas. Shoving his hair back, Philip sighs and resumes his usual morning routine of watching the birds through the window.
*
The best place in town, Philip decides, is just out of town under a crumbling old bridge. It’s far enough away that things are quiet—things are always quiet in Tivoli, but this is a different kind of quiet. He sits on the edge of the bridge, away from any questioning stares and whispers about why he’s there. Fiddling with his phone, he takes pictures of a lone purple flower growing up from a crack in the cement.
The buzz of an engine breaks the silence and Philip looks behind him to see Lukas’ bike cutting through the greenery. He skids to a stop a few feet from Philip and Philip only frowns.
He supposes he should have known someone would find him here. These kids must know the town like the back of their hands.
“What are you doing?” Lukas asks as he gets off his bike and puts away his helmet.
Philip looks up at Lukas, the sun filtering through the trees, lighting up his face, his blue eyes.
“Nothing,” he says and it’s the truth for once.
He’s surprised when Lukas sits down beside him, a good foot away. It’s been almost a week since he talked to Lucas. He hasn’t tried to in school and he’s pretty sure that’s been the right decision if the way Lukas has been ignoring him is any indication.
“Why are you out here?” Lukas says, glancing around as if expecting to see something exciting.
Philip shrugs. “Didn’t feel like going home.” He calls it home, but it’s not. It’s Gabe and Helen’s house.
“It’s not that bad, is it?” Lukas asks with that same goofy smile like he’s trying to lighten the mood somehow.
Philip shrugs again. “Could be worse, I guess,” he admits. At this point, he’d give anything just to see his mom, to talk to her, to feel better about the whole situation.
Lukas doesn’t say anything for a minute and birds chirp somewhere in the trees. It’s never quiet like this in the city. Even with Lukas sitting right here, Philip still feels alone.
Lukas glances at him after a second. “I heard you were in a gang,” he says, and Philip can’t help but laugh.
“A gang?” he repeats skeptically. “Like tattoos and knife fights and all that shit?”
Lukas licks his lips and Philip looks away. The things people come up with is ridiculous, but maybe it’s better than the truth.
“I don’t know.” Lukas shrugs. “It’s just what I heard. You weren’t, right?”
Philip glances at him, pursing his lips as Lukas seems to wait on tenterhooks for his answer. “If I was, would you still be sitting here?”
Lukas shrugs again. “I don’t know. Could be cool, you know? We don’t have gangs out here.”
“Trust me, you don’t want them,” Philip assures him. He rolls his eyes. “No, I’m not in a gang.”
“Then why are you out here?”
It’s the first time anyone’s asked him directly. Even Gabe and Helen kind of skirt around the subject though it’s written plain as day in his file.
He considers lying, making up something the whole school might believe. He could say he killed someone, something that would keep people away from him. He doesn’t want to spend the next few months being avoided, though. He already is.
Lukas’s eyes are a very light blue, Philip thinks as he gazes at him, thinking, considering. He’s probably one of those people who doesn’t have actual problems, one of those lucky few. Philip can’t relate.
He sighs after a minute, though, shoving his hair back then stuffing his hands in his jacket pockets.
“My mom’s an addict,” he says finally, to the ground. “They said she couldn’t take care of me, so…”
It’s complete bullshit. He’s been taking care of her most of his life, not the other way around. A court can’t just come in and decide he needs a ‘better’ home life. Things were fine, most of the time, when she wasn’t strung out, when she would wake up in a great mood and give him a big hug before school.
“Shit,” Lukas says and that about sums it up.
“Yeah,” Philip agrees. He glances at Lukas. “What do you think? Should I just go with the gang theory?”
“Might make you look a little more badass,” Lukas says with a shrug.
Philip actually smiles, nodding slowly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
It’s nice to actually talk to someone, someone who isn’t Gabe and ultra-understanding about everything.
“Then show me your tattoo,” Lukas says and Philip frowns.
“I don’t have one.”
“You better get one so everybody believes it,” Lukas says with a grin.
“I’ll just tell them it’s somewhere they can’t see it,” Philip says and Lukas shakes his head.
“Cop out, man.”
Philip grins, and for a second, with Lukas laughing beside him, everything feels like it fits. Like maybe, Tivoli isn’t so bad.
“Well, I’m not getting a real one,” he says, “no matter how badass.”
Lukas shrugs, all lanky and slow like he doesn’t care either way. “Just trying to help your rep.”
Philip nods as they sit there, biting his lip. He doesn’t think anything would help that. Still, he glances over at Lukas as they sit on the bridge and smiles slightly. Things could be worse.
*
“You were late coming home today,” Helen says over pizza. They’re sitting on the porch, watching the sun set over the trees and it feels strangely domestic. Cliched almost.
“Just wandering around town, I guess,” he says, wiping grease on a napkin and watching a deer peek out of the trees across the yard. He’d never seen a deer in real life until he moved here. It’s like a weird, sepia-toned Disney movie as the sun sets, casting yellow light over everything.
“Guessing you didn’t find the buried treasure,” Gabe says and Helen shakes her head.
“Gabe.”
“What? This town has no mysteries so we make up our own.”
Philip looks away from them. He’s pretty sure this town has no secrets. After all, there’s only one stop light in town and they don’t even have a movie theater.
“So how’s school?” Helen asks when the conversation lulls. “You making friends?”
Philip hesitates. It’s been over a week. At least he’s talked to people, but he wouldn’t consider any of them friends.
“Yeah, sure,” he says, but he’s not sure Helen believes him this time from the way she watches him. He changes the subject instead. “So what’s in the barn?” he asks, nodding across the yard to the large building looming.
“Mostly hay,” Helen says. “Kayaks. A few stray horses Gabe keeps around.”
“You can go in there,” Gabe says easily. “Just watch out for pitchforks.”
“That’s okay,” Philip says. He doesn’t really see any reason he’ll want to go in a barn full of hay any time soon. He pauses, watching Helen sip her drink. “Have you heard anything about my mom?”
He probably shouldn’t ask it, but he can’t help wanting to know. He doesn’t even know if Helen and Gabe would tell him if they had.
“No,” Helen says with a glance at Gabe. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he mutters, avoiding their gazes. “She probably won’t go to rehab anyway.”
“We’ll do whatever we can,” Gabe says and Philip looks up.
“Really?” He doesn’t quite believe that. No one else has ever tried to help before.
Gabe looks at Helen, who nods.
“Of course.”
Maybe he misjudged them, Philip thinks as they sit on the porch and the sun goes down.
*
Philip remembers the first boy he kissed. It was only a couple years ago, right before he turned fifteen. Jacob Clark. It hadn’t been anything spectacular—a rushed moment behind the school, next to the trash cans, worried someone would see them. It had been enough, though, enough to convince Philip that he really wasn’t into girls.
Rose is pretty, Philip admits. But Lukas is prettier.
It’s a dangerous thought to have, especially when Lukas doesn’t bother trying to talk to him at school. It doesn’t surprise Philip much. Though it always hurts a little more than he expects.
“So what are you doing exactly?” Philip asks, leaning against an old fence post in the barn. Lukas is tinkering with the bike, doing something mechanical that Philip probably wouldn’t understand.
“I’m replacing the starter,” Lukas says. “Hand me the wrench?”
Philip hovers over the tool box for a second, frowning at the multitude of tools he has never seen before except on TV.
“That one,” Lukas says, pointing it out when Philip hesitates too long.
“I’m from the city,” Philip says as he hands Lukas the wrench. “I don’t have to know this stuff.”
“You like living up to your stereotype?”
Philip scoffs, smiling at the back of Lukas’ head. “Says the country boy who does motocross and raises turkeys.”
Lukas glances back at him. “You probably listen to, like, really emo music, don’t you?”
“No,” Philip says, taking back his spot against the fence. He wonders where Lukas’ parents are, if they’re home, if they know about him. “Do you listen to country?”
“Country sucks,” Lukas says easily.
“We agree on that at least,” Philip mutters, and Lukas grins. Philip wishes he wouldn’t because it does funny things to his stomach. “So where are your parents?” he asks instead.
“My dad went to Poughkeepsie,” Lukas says, tossing the wrench back in the box with a clang and wiping grease on an old rag.
“And your mom?”
Lukas looks away. “She died when I was younger.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
Lukas merely shrugs. “You want to take this out?”
“Out where?” Philip eyes the bike uneasily.
“Out there.” Lukas points out the door. “I could show you some tricks.”
“You want me to ride it?” Philip asks doubtfully, and Lukas shakes his head.
“No. Only I ride my bike. But you can watch.”
Philip is a little relieved, actually. “Okay,” he agrees finally. “You’re not taking me out there to murder me, right?”
Lukas laughs and rolls his eyes like Philip is being over-dramatic as he wheels the bike to the door.
“This is Tivoli,” he says like it should be obvious. “People don’t kill people here.”
Philip has seen more than his fair share of crime, and he doesn’t believe that location has anything to do with it.
“I’ll take your word for it,” he says, and when Lukas laughs at him, he honestly doesn’t think about getting murdered. He only thinks that he’s in danger of getting in way over his head.
*
Tommy is taking pictures as Philip walks past, down the steps toward where his bike is chained up.
“What was that for?” he asks as Tommy fiddles with a setting on the camera.
“School website,” Tommy says with a shrug, not looking up at Philip.
Philip isn’t quite sure they could be considered friends, not enough to tell Helen and Gabe about it when they ask. They’ve spoken a few times. Mostly about cameras and photography.
“That’s a cool jacket,” Tommy says, looking at the screen. “Vintage.”
Vintage a nice way of putting it. Philip has had it for years, so long the leather was worn and soft, the patches fraying along the edges. Of all his worn clothes, it was his favorite.
“Thanks,” he says anyway. Tommy barely nods like he doesn’t really care.
People are strange here, Philip has decided. He leaves Tommy to his camera, unchaining his bike.
He looks up as Lukas emerges from the front entrance, Rose at his side.
“What are you looking at?” Rose asks as they pass by, and Philip doesn’t reply, following Lukas’ movements instead.
Lukas doesn’t react, moving past as though Philip isn’t even there.
They disappear around the corner and Philip slumps slightly. He’s tried for most of his life to be invisible, invisible to teachers, to people who might see something wrong in his life and go digging around. He just wasn’t good enough at it the last time. The last time, he’d ended up in front of a judge, listening to how his mom wasn’t fit to take care of him.
The one time he didn’t want to be invisible, he didn’t have a choice in the matter.
A rumble above him draws his attention away from where Lukas disappeared. Above, the sky has amassed in a dark cloud and Philip winces as a cold drop of water hits him on the forehead. Perfect.
*
He’s soaked by the time he makes it to the house, water dripping in under the neck of his jacket, cold and wet. His shoes squish with water as he jogs up the front steps.
“Philip?” Gabe asks from the living room as Philip ducks inside, the door slamming shut behind him.
Philip shakes the water from his hair, shivering, as Gabe emerges.
“Did you ride home in this?” Gabe asks, glancing out the window where rain is pouring down, battering the ground. “You should have called me for a ride.”
Philip doesn’t reply, kicking off his shoes and peeling off his wet socks. He heads for his room instead, taking off his jacket and peeling off his shirt. He drops it over a chair and pulls out a new one from the dresser in the corner.
After he changes his jeans, he sinks down on the bed. The room still doesn’t quite feel like it’s his despite the clothes scattered around. Rain splatters against the window, almost like it’s angry at something. Rubbing his face, he sighs.
He shouldn’t be surprised that Lukas ignores him at school, even if they have actually hung out a few times. And when they do, Philip thinks they actually get along, that maybe Lukas even likes him a little.
A knock comes at the door and Philip turns, but it doesn’t open on its own this time.
“Philip?” Gabe’s voice comes through the door. “Can I come in?”
It’s your house, Philip wants to say, but he doesn’t. Instead, he gets up and goes to the door, pulling it open for Gabe.
“Bad day at school?” Gabe asks as he steps in. He doesn’t look around like Helen usually does, as if she’s checking to make sure everything is where it’s supposed to be.
“Nothing new,” Philip says, returning to the bed and sitting down. Gabe takes the chair, gently moving the wet shirt aside.
“I know it’s hard,” Gabe says, and Philip doesn’t meet his eyes. He doesn’t really want to hear this pep talk.
Outside, water has gathered in rivulets on the road, winding away. If Philip concentrates, he can only focus on the sound of the rain, the pitter-pat that is sometimes the only thing that can calm him.
“Everything’s fine,” Philip assures Gabe. He wouldn’t know how to explain it anyway. There’s no way Gabe could possibly understand what it’s like to be in this situation.
“If you ever want to talk,” Gabe says with a shrug. “I’m around.”
It’s a nice gesture, and Philip appreciates it, but he doesn’t need it. “I’m cool,” he says instead, forcing a smile.
Gabe doesn’t reply for a moment, doing that thing where he sort of half-squints, half raises his eyebrows at the same time.
“Helen and I got you something,” he says after a minute, leaving the room and coming back with a box. “Noticed you didn’t have many pairs of shoes.”
Philip opens the box to a pair of brand new boots. They’re smooth and dark leather, or maybe fake leather. Whatever it is, it’s nice. Nicer than anything else he owns.
“Thanks,” he says. They’re too nice, too good for him.
Gabe merely nods. “Well, Helen should be home soon and maybe we’ll figure out dinner.”
Philip nods down at the boots. “Great.”
“Okay.” Gabe claps his hands together, but he leaves the door open behind him.
Philip rubs his neck for a second before getting up and setting the box down on the chair. They’re just too nice and he doesn’t really know what do with that.
*
“You get any good footage?”
Lukas’ bike skids to a stop feet from Philip and he yanks his helmet off. He does that 90s hair shake again and Philip looks away, to his phone and the video he’s just recorded.
“Yeah, it looks okay,” he says, handing Lukas the phone so he can see.
They’re only out in the field behind Lukas’ house, and Philip doesn’t think Lukas’ dad is home again. Philip has never seen him, and he thinks Lukas doesn’t want them to meet.
“It’s pretty good,” Lukas says excitedly. “But it’d be better if it was a real course. We need to go out to the hills where I can get some real air.”
Philip’s knowledge of motocross so far consists of only what Lukas has told him, so he nods. “That’d be awesome.”
Lukas runs a hand through his hair and grins at Philip in the way that makes Philip’s stomach do a somersault and he forces himself to ignore it. Instead, he tucks his phone in his jacket pocket and moves over to a downed log behind him, sitting down and gazing across the field.
“So are you gonna go on a tour or something?” he asks as Lukas props up his bike and joins him on the log.
“There are some competitions coming up,” Lukas says, “now that winter’s over.”
“Does Rose go to cheer you on?” Philip asks, and it’s supposed to be a joke, but it doesn’t feel as much like one even when Lukas smiles and scoffs.
“Maybe she will,” he says with a shrug.
“How long have you been dating?” Philip asks, though he knows he shouldn’t.
“I don’t know,” Lukas says, staring across the field, not meeting Philip’s gaze. “Six months.”
“That’s a long time.”
“I guess.” Lukas scratches his neck and gives Philip a friendly shove. “So what’s your type?”
“My type?” Philip repeats, thinking of tall, lanky blonds.
“Yeah, you’re gay, aren’t you?”
Lukas’ words hit him like a freight train and Philip can feel panic rising deep inside.
“What?” he asks hollowly, eyes widening. How would he know? How would anyone know? It isn’t as if he walks around with a sign. It’s not listed in his file anywhere: Philip Shae-likes boys. He doesn’t think he has any of the stereotypical things gay guys have. He doesn’t over-gel his hair or wear designer clothes.
“Hey, chill,” Lukas says as Philip starts to panic. Even with all this wide open space, he feels claustrophobic. “It was just a rumor.”
Rumors are based in truth, Philip thinks as his heart pounds in his chest. If Lukas knows, why is he here? If he suspects?
Lukas watches him carefully, like Philip might be about to freak out. Philip doesn’t meet his eyes, licking his lips and focusing on his shoes. He’s wearing his old tennis shoes, stained with dirt, the soles starting to peel.
“But, you are, aren’t you?” Lukas asks after a minute. “I’ve never met anyone who was actually gay.”
Philip doesn’t know what to say, why Lukas cares. Lukas has a girlfriend. Lukas is popular. Lukas doesn’t want anyone to know they even talk to each other.
“You probably have,” he says finally. “You just didn’t know it.”
“So you are?”
There’s nothing for it. “Yeah, I—yes,” he admits, chancing a glance at Lukas. He doesn’t seem freaked out by the idea, which is a good thing in any case.
Being gay is so much easier in the city where no one cares. Out here, it’s like a giant neon sign over his head, one more thing to make him different than everyone else.
“How’d you know?” he asks after a minute because if it’s something he did, he’ll need to fix that.
Lukas shrugs. “I don’t know. Just, someone said it.”
“That’s helpful,” he mutters, shoving his hair back and scuffing the dirt.
“I won’t tell anyone,” Lukas says and Philip looks up. “That it’s true.”
Philip doesn’t reply except to nod. He’s not sure what it means exactly, that Lukas knows, that he doesn’t seem to care for now.
“You want a ride home?” Lukas asks as he gets up and Philip stares up at him.
“I thought you said no one but you rides the bike?”
Lukas kind of jerks his shoulders without looking at Philip. “If you’re gonna help me shoot footage, we’ll have to get up in the hills. There’s no way we’re walking. Just get on.”
Philip isn’t sure what to make of that, but he takes the helmet Lukas hands him and climbs on gingerly behind him.
“You gotta hold on,” Lukas says as he revs the motor. He grabs Philip’s hand and pulls it around his waist. Philip tries not to think about the fact that he’s practically pressed against Lukas, arms wrapped around his waist as they take off. Instead, he ducks his head and closes his eyes. It means nothing.
*
The noodles aren’t burnt this time, though the garlic bread is a little too black around the edges. Philip avoids it as it gets passed around the table. He’s not the only one.
“I saw Lukas leaving earlier,” Helen says, attempting conversation. “It’s nice you two are friends.”
Philip shrugs. “I don’t know about friends,” he says. He doesn’t really need Helen and Gabe to think he and Lukas are friends. He’s not sure what they are exactly.
“Well,” Helen says, glancing at Gabe in that way they do as if silently communicating something about him. “It’s nice you’re meeting people.”
Philip knows they think he’s not making friends on purpose, and maybe that’s part of it, but the other part is that no one out here wants anything to do with him.
Maybe he does need to make more of an effort. Helen and Gabe are.
“So how was work?” he asks at length, pushing the spaghetti around his plate. “Catch any murderers?”
“Handed out a few speeding tickets,” Helen says, and even she isn’t eating the garlic bread. “Exciting day in Tivoli.”
Philip smiles. “An exciting day here is better than a boring day in the city, right?”
“Not always,” she says, grabbing the plate of bread. “Have some garlic bread.”
“Let’s not scar the kid,” Gabe says, taking the plate out of her hand. “Maybe tomorrow we’ll do take out.”
Helen shoots him an unimpressed look, but Philip feels, for the first time in weeks, that maybe this is gonna be okay.
*
Philip eats his lunch alone, under the tree outside. It’s still a little chilly, but he’d rather be out here than in the cafeteria where more people can make up rumors about him. He would have thought, given that he’d been in Tivoli for almost six weeks, that people would have gotten tired of making up shit about him.
He can see Lukas with his friends and Rose on the other side of the lawn. They always seem like they’re having a good time, like they have nothing to worry about. They probably don’t.
His phone pings with a text as he sits there. It’s probably Helen or Gabe considering no one else texts him, but Philip pulls it from his pocket.
He’s surprised to see Lukas’ name on his screen as he opens up the message.
Let’s film this weekend. There’s a good place out by my dad’s cabin
Philip looks up, across the lawn to where Lukas is tucking his phone away and nodding at something Rose says. Lukas doesn’t even look his way, but Philip still smiles as he puts his phone away.
Tossing the rest of his lunch in the trash, he heads inside as the bell rings. He catches Tommy at his locker and steps up carefully.
“Hey,” he greets him, and Tommy only glances at him. “I was wondering if maybe I could borrow your camera sometime.”
“What for?” Tommy asks, shoving books in his mess of a locker.
“Just some filming,” Philip says. “I wouldn’t need it very long.”
Tommy seems to think about it for a second before slamming his locker shut. “Yeah, okay,” he says finally. “I’ll bring it on Monday.”
“Awesome, cool,” Philip says as Tommy leaves. Maybe things really are looking up. Lukas passes by him going the opposite direction, and Philip watches him go. It doesn’t matter what he does in school because he gets to hang out with Lukas afterward and that’s good enough for him.
Hitching his bag over his shoulder, he smiles to himself as he heads for Physics. For once, he has something to look forward to this weekend. Tivoli really isn’t so bad.
*
You’re amazing—I mean, you’re awesome…
*
No one’s gonna know about this ‘cause you’re never gonna tell them.
*
He was gonna kill me if you hadn’t—if you—
*
FIN.