Chapter Text
Cloud did not know how he’d agreed to this. He’d never been a party person, or very social for that matter. (he hid in an abandoned church for half a year, for fuck’s sake.) He was definitely not a party person, (no matter how much Yuffie’s pouting face had convinced him otherwise when he’d accepted the invitation.) And of course, Tifa strong-armed him into keeping his promise to go. Honestly, he didn’t even know what they were celebrating. No one had a birthday recently. All the big event’s of their live’s happened in October or December. Was this just a friendly gathering for all of Avalanche? Were they celebrating 5 years without having to RE-kill a certain psychotic asshole with a massive god-complex? He didn’t know. But He supposed this game Yuffie brought sounded fun enough, so he went along with it.
“Cards Against Humanity? What is this?” Tifa asked curiously.
“It’s this game that like, everyone’s been playing for about… like, um, 2 years now. It’s suuuuuper messed up and ridiculous. I thought we should try it.” Yuffie replied. Cloud sighed. Vincent looked ready to say something vague, cryptic, or depressing (or all three) but he was interrupted, as the sky suddenly grew dark. Gale force winds blew every door in the house open, causing them to slam into the walls with a serious bang. Cloud’s head immediately mimicked the feeling of being tortured with thousands of tiny needle pricks. He reached his hands up to clutch his temples, as per usual when this happened. As if to somehow add salt to the wound, he’d also ended up kneeling on the floor.Lightning flashed outside. The wide open door held a very defined shadow. A chuckle resounded out the room. Of course! Of course that megalomaniacal asshole had to make a dramatic entrance, before “ruining” what was already not an event the blonde really wanted to attend.
“Who knew the planet’s hero enjoyed childish card games.” A beam of light illuminated a familiar smirk. “Have you missed me at all, Cloud?”
“Who the hell invited that freakshow?” Barret questioned, clearly frustrated. Cloud, resigned to this situation already, pulled his sword out. He didn’t tell the others that this wasn’t a surprise to him. The man kinda tended to randomly show up when he was doing things.
“I’m not here for a fight. I’m merely curious about this so called game. What exactly about it goes “against humanity?” do you kill people?” Sephiroth practically demands, fully in the room now.
“Eep… Um you can play if you want, but please don’t actually kill anyone.:” Yuffie managed, voice high and quiet and trembly. She was terrified. And for very very good reason. The smirk grew wider.
“Hmph. No promises. But I suppose playing cards with my enemies, as pitiful as they are, might be… entertaining enough for me.” He drawled, promptly seating himself directly next to Cloud, (in the chair that the blond had been occupying before he fell out of it... mindscrewey bastard planned that didn’t he?) who scooted away from him, only for his headache to increase. Sephiroth scooted back closer to him. Cloud let out a sigh.
“You make one move toward anyone here, I will omnislash you to oblivion.”
“Of course. I expect nothing less of you.”
Everyone cleared their throats awkwardly. In an attempt to alleviate tension, Tifa asked Yuffie for a brief description of the rules. Yuffie shuffled a couple decks together. (“expansion packs” she called them.) And promptly passed seven cards to each player. (Nanaki decided to spectate, as he didn’t really have the right… opposable digits… to hold the cards with. He sprawled himself on Vincent’s lap instead.) Reeve was picked as the Card Czar, once it was accepted that no one wanted to admit to being the last to ... excremate. Especially the ones who probably didn't have those functions ( anymore.)
“War! What is it good for?” Reeve read off his black card. A few nervous snickers went around the room. Cloud stoically tossed in his card, noticing more smirking out of the corner of his eyes.
“Nice card, Cloud.” Came the lazy purr.
“No mind reading. That’s cheating!” Yuffie all but yelled, before clamping her hand over her mouth. “Please don’t kill me!” The smirking monster remained eerily silent. Cloud shot him a glare anyway, just to be safe. Reeve started to read off the cards, diverting their attention.
“Being rich.” He answered. Barret coughed a cough that sounded a lot like “goddamn’d Shinra” and Reeve continued on.”...’Randomly sodomizing people on the streets’...That’s… a bit intense. Let’s move on.’Penis envy.’ Alright then. ‘A chocobo with a box on it’s head.’ ‘moral ambiguity’ ‘Foreskin.’ ‘a windmill full of corpses’...? Um I think that’s all of them.” Reeve paused. “I’m gonna go with ‘being rich.’ Whose card was that?” To everyone’s utmost surprise, it was Sephiroth who raised his hand, not Barret. “Then… who was the windmill full of corpses? That wasn’t you?”
The absolute bastard was touching his shoulder while he chuckled. Cloud was not in the mood to put up with Sephiroth letting everyone know that their blonde leader had a… uniquely fucked up sense of humor.
“Uh.. and sodomy?” Reeve asked, more out of general concern for whoever thought that was funny. Vincent quirked an eyebrow at him and Reeve quickly shut up. He slid the black card across the floor, forcing Cloud to act as the intermediary so he wouldn’t have to touch Sephiroth’s hands. Cloud then was alerted that he was Card czar this turn.
“What is Sephiroth’s guilty pleasure?” He paused. What the actual fuck?
“I can tell you what it is if you want, Cloud~” the man crooned. Cloud choked down a groan, knowing it would only fuel him further.
“Not interested. Alright, give me your cards, I guess.” Cloud sighed, already preparing for the worst (judging by the fact that even the normally icy Vincent was smirking at him.) When everyone had passed in their cards, he sighed again. The first card was a blank with “Cloud’s hot ass” written on it in sharpie. He sighed and showed it to the group, who snickered more openly this turn. Sephiroth had upgraded to actual literal PURRING. Like a goddamned cat that was all to content about pushing that glass of water off of the desk. The blond pinched the bridge of his nose, looking at the next card. “... What the hell does “muppet necking” mean?” he asked. Cid pulled out a laptop, searching the term. Cloud didn’t possibly think Sephiroth’s smirk could get any wider. “The act of having sex with a puppet.” There was no doubt in his mind who played that card. He picked up the next card, willing it to not be as bad. “‘Nibelheim dungeon porn’....” he was about to toss the card down and leave, but, he felt pressure in his head, and suddenly found he couldn’t even get up to leave. Fucking mind fucking asshole not letting him have any peace. He sighed yet again, put his face in his hand, and read next several cards. “‘Revenge fucking.’ ‘child abuse.’ ‘A fetus’... Ew. ‘The boner’s of the elderly.’” Cloud once again suppressed his desire to emote, grinning internally at that last card. He held it up, giving Cid the black card for the round. Sephiroth, for his part, looked mortified.
“At least four answers implied you as my fetish, and you said I have a guilty pleasure for old men? Do you understand how many people would’ve jumped at the chance-”
“Maybe if we’d played this 10 years ago when I didn’t hate you, my ass would’ve won. Does that make you feel any better, asshole?” Cloud retorted. Sephiroth turned his head away, muttering to himself about “stubborn jackass puppets” or something of similar caliber. Cloud handed him a black card to make him shut up. Turns out, that one was blank.
“What does that mean?” Cloud wondered aloud.
“Um….” Yuffie scrambled to the box and began to read. “Apparently it means you make something up.” Hearing that made Cloud scream internally. Oh, he was certain he would rather endure the cold embrace of Hel than whatever….
“How… perfect.” The man beside him crooned in a mocking lilt. “Oh, what do you think I should ask everyone Cloud?” Said blond instantly moved to back away.
“You leave me the fuck out of this.”
“Great idea.” That smirk gave it all away. “How about ‘Why is cloud absent from the avalanche meeting?’”
“I’m right here.” The blond deadpanned. That smirk grew wider, green eyes glinting madly.
“Maybe this is all an illusion. Do you think it’s of your making or mine? Both are possible.”
“Be quiet.” Vincent scolded both of them. It was an interesting sight, his human hand petting a curious Nanaki (who as per usual was content to observe. And surprisingly enough, it seemed he didn’t mind the former turk treating him like a house pet) and his claw pinching the bridge of his nose (the obvious dangers clearly were nothing to him) as he sighed at the two. The silver menace made a rather derisive half-chuckle. Like a snort but so much more… dignified.
“Or what? You’ll ground me?” That piercing mako gaze met bloodsoaked crimson. Vincent’s impeccable forehead creased in irritation, his posture turning serene. That comment was clearly calculated to hurt, after all, Vincent never quite got over the possibility of… (well, I mean, who would fuck Hojo? Besides, hard to ask someone who encased herself in crystal if she maintained uh… fidelity.)
“Let’s just play this stupid game and be done with it.” Tifa cut in.
“I agree.” Reeve concurred. “Let’s just keep playing.”
“Hmph. As you wish then. Hand me your cards. I already know who will win.” The smug bastard then muttered to the blonde, as an aside, “Are you certain you won’t just leave these fools and join me?”
“In your dreams.” Cloud retorted without thought.
“Some of yours too.”
“Shut up.” The irate recluse mumbled under his breath, looking over at his cards. ‘Trying to wake from this nightmare’ looked promising, but, well, he had a card he didn’t wanna see anymore so… he played that one anyway, knowing full well this was the worst person to play it to.
“I believe that’s all of them.” Sephiroth shuffled the deck of answers. “ Hmm… ‘fear itself.’” That smirk or grin or whatever, it was entirely inhuman. Something out of a horror film. “... Oh? ‘My relationship status’? poor Tifa, how will you ever move on?” The woman in question made a point to ignore him. “Heh. This one is pretty accurate. ‘Self loathing.’ ‘drinking alone’ Oh yes, you do that too. ‘Too much hair gel?’ that’s not possible, I can’t feel any.” And to prove it, the man ran his fingers through a few tufts of spiked blond. Cloud, for his part, merely glared. “Ah, another far too accurate one. ‘Pretending to care.’”
“You make one more of those ‘Stop pretending to feel feelings’ speeches and I will castrate you.” To Cloud’s dismay, that only made those eyes glint with even more sadistic glee.
“And the winner card, I should hold it up for everyone to see, shouldn’t I? Don’t you think that’s a great idea?” The asshole gave him no time to answer, merely showed the card off that said ‘ Seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes.’ Tifa gasped. The other’s looked uncomfortable. Cloud averted his eyes, ignoring the condescending pat on the head that he received from his personal nightmare, ignoring the card given to him for winning the round.
“I shouldn’t have played that.” He said.
“As if you had much choice regardless.”
Coughing distracted them from their banter as Vincent grabbed the next black card from the deck.
“‘Having the worst day ever.’ There’s some weird symbol and a ...blank.” He spoke through the cloth collar of his cloak. Without a thought, Cloud immediately played the ‘Trying to wake from this nightmare’ card. He prepared to glare based on the tap on his shoulder, but, Sephiroth was only showing him the card he intended to play. It was honestly… kinda funny. ‘My inner demons’ did really suit Vincent, after all. He could vaguely hear Yuffie complain that they took the game too serious.