Work Text:
The day River discovers holographic clothing nearly kills him.
It's an otherwise normal day; he's with the Ponds in the control room waiting for River to finish getting ready before they embark on a rare family trip when suddenly she comes down the stairs looking distinctly not family-friendly.
The Doctor's jaw hits the floor as River enters the room, bold as brass and smiling brightly, naked as the day she was born. He gawks for a moment; not so much at what she's wearing (or rather not wearing) but more at the Ponds' lack of reaction to River's lack of clothing.
They greet her casually and cheerily and completely unphased by the nudity. As they chat the Doctor approaches River from behind and pokes her shoulder. Her skin is soft and bare under his fingertip and the Doctor clears his throat.
"River," he says, struggling to sound nonchalant, and when she turns to look at him there is a distinctly mischevious glint in her eye that tells him that he is not imagining her nudity and that whatever she is doing his discomfort is an essential part of it.
"Yes, Doctor?" She asks, her voice far too sweet.
"Can you give me a hand downstairs for a moment?"
He can see River struggling not to grin. "What with Sweetie?"
He straightens his bowtie and shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. It's terribly distracting having all that glorious skin on display in front of him, and he's hard-pressed not to be reminded of how thoroughly he'd explored all of that skin just last night. "I think there's a problem with the temporal isotrometer."
River raises an eyebrow. "Is there?" She's trying to control her smile but the Doctor can tell that whatever devious plan she's currently enacting, it's working.
"Yes," he snaps, and waves her towards the stairs. Amy and Rory are staring, clearly baffled by his irritability, but they say nothing as River follows him down the steps. He makes the mistake of looking behind him just once, and at his body's response to River's bouncing breasts as she descends the stairs he quickly turns around before he trips.
As soon as they reach the bottom and are out of earshot of the Ponds the Doctor spins around and hisses, "What the bloody hell are you doing?!"
River grins fully. "Holographic clothing." The Doctor raises his eyebrows. "You were complaining about how long it took me to get dressed in the morning."
"So your solution was to run around naked in front of your parents?!"
"It's not like they can see," River says, idly examining her nails, completely ignoring his obvious distress. "To the rest of the world I'm completely clothed." She looks back at him and winks. "I didn't think you'd mind getting the full view."
The Doctor flails and splutters for a moment, casting a nervous glance up at the Ponds above them. "River, you cannot run around naked in front of me with your parents here! For one thing it's terribly distracting and for another what if I..." He trails off, fidgeting. "React." River supresses a grin and the Doctor glares. "They may not notice the nudity but they'll notice that."
River chuckles and straightens his lapels. "So switch from your tweed to your green overcoat. Don't pretend the reason you started wearing it isn't because it made it easier to hide your," she smirks something wicked, "reactions from my parents."
The Doctor turns scarlet and takes a step back. "Go put some clothes on. Now."
River crosses her arms over her chest. (And the Doctor does not notice the way this pushes her breasts up and together, nosiree.) "And what if I don't want to? I'm rather enjoying running about naked. It's freeing."
The Doctor growls and runs a hand through his hair. "Well I'm not taking you anywhere like this. So it's either put some clothes on or stay here forever, and explain to your mum and dad why I refuse to take you anywhere."
River raises her eyebrow. "We both know you'll get bored before then."
The Doctor mirrors her raised brow. "Are you challenging me, River Song?"
"Oh Sweetie, let's be honest. I'm having far too much fun to stop and we both know you'll crack before I do."
He huffs. "The usual wager?"
River's eyes glitter. "Done. But if you want to get me to put some clothes on you'll need much more than denial of adventures."
"I can deny other things."
The look River gives him is somewhere between fond and patronizing. "Oh, Doctor. No, you can't."
"Is everything alright down there?"
River sighs. "You might want to at least pretend to be doing something to the TARDIS. If you're going to deny them a trip you're going to need a reasonable mechanical excuse."
The Doctor scowls at her back as she turns and heads up the stairs, then directs his attention to the wires hanging around him to distract himself from all the lovely bouncing parts of River.
He spends a few minutes disconnecting and reconnecting wires while River makes something up to tell Amy and Rory. River laughs suddenly and the Doctor glances up.
This proves to be a big mistake. There's a spark and the TARDIS lurches sideways, and when the Doctor looks down he sees that he's dropped the wires he was holding and they are now smoking rather a lot.
"What was that?!" He hears Amy demand from up above.
"Ah. That might have been my fault," River says, sounding genuinely apologetic.
"How was that your fault, you weren't touching anything," Rory asks.
"Well," the Doctor takes some satisfaction in the discomfort in River's voice. "My dress plus my husband plus glass floor. You do the maths."
Rory makes a sound of disgust but Amy doesn't sound phased as she replies, "Don't feel bad, I did that once."
"Is everything alright down there?" Rory calls, likely more out of a desire to change the subject than from genuine curiosity.
The Doctor inspects the singed ends of the wires he's been holding. "Ah, well, actually this might take some time to fix. We might stranded for a while."
"How long is a while?" River asks.
"A day at least, possibly longer. I'm going to have to go down and check the helmic regulator in person. Find out if there's been any damage or if I've just fried the circuits up here. Could keep me busy for a couple of days. " He says this last part very pointedly. River's so sure he's going to get bored and take them on an adventure before she puts on some clothes, but he's just been presented with a way to occupy his time. "You three will just have to hang around the ship for awhile, I'm afraid."
When he ascends the stairs the Ponds have wandered off and River is standing there glaring at him. "You haven't won anything yet, honey, don't look so happy. I'm still enjoying this." She sways toward him and the Doctor shivers as she presses herself close to him and runs a finger along his jaw. "I think we can both agree I've still got the upper hand here. It's going to take a lot more than a few quiet days at home to get me to put something on." The Doctor suddenly realizes he'd stopped breathing. "Not when I can enjoy the way you're looking at me." Damn that gorgeous breathy voice. The Doctor reaches for her hips but River pulls away and prances out of the room after her parents, throwing over her shoulder as she leaves, "Now, my love, I think you've got a TARDIS to fix."
-x-
When he enters the room, River drops her fork.
"So, what's the prognosis, how long are we stuck for?" Amy asks as he strides into the kitchen where the family Pond is having lunch.
The Doctor shrugs and leans back against a counter. Amy and Rory have to turn in their seats to look at him, but River has a full view of everything he has currently on display, and he's currently displaying everything.
"Well, unfortunatly I'm going to have to tear open a wall and completely reroute some cables from the helmic regulator to the isotropic spatial converter, so it's going to take a few days." He catches River's eyes and gives her a smirk, his head bowed slightly so that his fringe falls in front of his eyes just so, and he's looking up at her in that way she finds undeniably sexy. "Unless of course Doctor Song wants to help me out, in which case we could shorten that time considerably."
River's lips are pursed and her eyes are narrowed but the Doctor sees how she shifts in her seat. He knows very well the effect the has on her.
"I feel like spaghetti, anyone else feel like spaghetti?" He asks, spinning around and bending over to pull pots out of a cabinet.
"I'll give you a hand," River says, her voice much higher than normal. The Doctor smiles into the cabinet; River never could resist his arse. When he straightens up River's at his side pulling ingredients from the cabinet above them, and she whispers through gritted teeth, "What the hell are you doing?"
"Turnabout's fair play, darling." He moves to her other side, clandestinely pinching her bum as he passes, and River jumps. She's still for a moment as she watches him stretch to grab a spoon hanging from the ceiling.
"You'll-you'll have to excuse me," she says breathlessly. "I'm not feeling well." The Doctor turns to watch her hurry out of the room.
"River?" Amy asks, and starts to rise from her seat.
"I'll check on her," the Doctor says, giving her a reassuring smile. "Make sure she's alright. Rain check on the spaghetti."
-x-
He catches River in the control room.
"Something wrong, River? Or were you just sickened at the thought of my cooking?"
River pauses, and when she turns to him she's smiling. "Do my parents still think that you didn't know I was their daughter when you started sleeping with me?"
The Doctor grimaces and leans back against the railing. "Of course. It was the only way I could keep them from killing me when they found out we were shagging." River hums thoughtfully and reclines against the console behind her, and the Doctor tries very hard not to think about all the times he's had her splayed out naked atop that console before.
"Do you think they'd be angry with you if they found out that not only did you not start sleeping with me until after you found out who I was, but the first thing you did upon finding out that I was their daughter was shag me?"
He frowned, indignant. "It wasn't the first thing I did!"
River smiled. "You went straight from Demons Run to my cell, and the first thing you did after tell me where you'd come from was kiss me, and within five minutes you had me on my back with your hand up my skirt."
The Doctor gives her a smug smile. "I don't recall that you were complaining."
River laughs, but there's a gleam in her eyes that worries him. "Oh no I wasn't but I imagine my parents would."
It takes the Doctor a minute.
The smile slides off his face and he pushes off the railing behind him. "You wouldn't."
River raises an eyebrow. "Wouldn't I?"
He steps towards her, eyes wide wih worry. "River, they'd be furious! Never mind that I slept with you knowing who you were, they were mourning their baby and I left them to go get laid! Not my finest moment, I'll admit, but River, if they found out they'd never forgive me!"
River doesn't bat an eye. "Then put some clothes on."
The Doctor straightens up, his panic dissipating. "If I put some clothes on, will you?"
"No. Well, eventually, yes. But it's going to take more than you running around naked to get me to back down."
The Doctor's lip curls. "And yet my being naked is distracting you enough that you're resorting to threats to get me to put clothes on."
River purses her lips. "I can keep my distance from them enough that they won't touch me and notice I'm not wearing anything. It's going to get suspicious if we both have to avoid physical contact with them."
The Doctor laughs and steps closer to her. "Well done, that was almost convincing."
River's eyes narrow. "Put some clothes on," she growls.
"You put some clothes on. I'm not getting dressed again until you do."
"Then I'm telling my parents what you did after Demons Run."
"Fine. Then I'll tell your dad about your smoking."
River's smile slides off her face. "I haven't smoked since university."
"Yeah but he's still gonna kill you for it."
River takes a step closer, and he can tell from the set of her jaw that he has her worried. "I'm not fully human. It's not like the health effects were anywhere near as bad for me as they would be for a normal human," she insists as the Doctor nods along.
"Yes, yes, and I'm sure your nurse father whose mum died of lung cancer will be perfectly understanding of that." River glares at his condescending smile.
"You wouldn't dare tell him."
He steps closer to her, all the while convincing himself that the key to ignoring the smell of her perfume and the rising desire to run his hands all over all of that wonderful warm skin is to focus on making her want him as madly as he currently wants her. "Oh River, River," he says in that low growl that he knows drives her wild, "I've been walking around naked in front of your parents. Do you really think at this point there is anything I wouldn't do?"
There is too much tension and too few clothes and too little space between them. River hauls him down to meet her lips and in the space of a few seconds he has her pressed against the console with her legs wrapped high around his waist. Honestly, he's surprised it hasn't happened sooner.
They're both frustrated and desperate and the Doctor knows neither one of them are going to last long. He can already feel River getting close as he greedily swallows her moans and cries, when a disgusted voice distracts him. "Oh my god, get a room will you! Ugh, nobody needs to see this."
The Doctor freezes and looks up to see Amy breezing through the room shaking her head. For a moment he's surprised that she's not more shocked until he remembers that from her perspective they are both still fully dressed and merely engaged in some rather enthusiastic snogging. Once Amy is gone he looks down at River. "We should probably relocate."
River nods. "Yeah I think we probably should."
-x-
"I'm not sure what's more disturbing," the Doctor says a long while later, once they have collapsed in the privacy of their bedroom, "That your mum saw us having sex, or that your mum doesn't know that she saw us having sex."
He glanced down at River. "Truce?" She asked.
"Truce."
-x-
The Doctor has never been more thankful to see River in clothing. She smiles brightly at him as he enters the kitchen, and he can't help but preen a bit, straightening his bowtie. He announces that he'd managed to fix the TARDIS, catching Amy and Rory's attention. They turn to look at him and immediately yelp and turn away.
"What?"
"Oh my god!"
"What is wrong with you?"
River smirks into her tea.
Rory frowns at her. "Aren't you going to look away?"
River laughs, but when Rory's frown deepens her smile disappears. "Oh you were serious!" She pats Rory's shoulder. "Oh, Father dear, it's not like it's anything I haven't seen before."
"What are you all on about?" The Doctor asks as Amy rises from her seat, a hand shielding her eyes.
"Oh my god, you are so weird, is this some kind of weird alien thing? God, I don't even care. Just put some pants on."
"What?" The Doctor stares at Amy's back as she leaves the room and turns around in time to see Rory following her, eyes glued to the ceiling.
"I don't even want to know."
"Rory, what--" He looks at River, who is still smiling into her mug of tea. The Doctor frowns. "River."
She gives him an innocent look. "Yes dear?"
"Is there any particular reason your parents seem to think I'm naked?"
River's smile turns devilish. "Well, Sweetie, the interesting thing about holographic clothing," she rakes her eyes over him, "is that it turns out it works both ways."