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When Rudolf turned thirteen, he started noticing girls.
Sure, he had always noticed the women who hovered around him, fixing his flipped collar or smoothing down his hair or telling him to go somewhere and do something. He had always noticed the young girls working in the kitchens, their hair piled into buns on the top of their heads, their hands rough when they brushed his as they handed him a shiny red apple.
But around when he grew to be thirteen years old, he discovered that there was more to girls than what he had originally thought. Girls, now, held some deeper magic, and he felt a twinge deep in his belly when he saw a particularly beautiful girl.
And he had no idea what to do about that feeling. He tried to ask his tutor, but the old scholar had simply smiled at him and continued to quiz him on military maneuvers developed hundreds of years ago. He did not dare ask his mother or his father for fear of being shunned or ridiculed.
And he was scared, because he did not only feel like that when he looked at girls.
On a cold winter night, Rudolf sat writing by the moonlight that streamed in through the large window in his room. He had decided that if he could not satisfy his curiosity as to the strange feelings that coursed through his body when he saw a pretty girl, he would write about what he felt instead.
As the clock struck midnight, the room grew colder. Rudolf put down his pen and drew his dressing gown tighter around himself, shivering in his chair.
He knew what this meant.
“I do not remember calling you,” he said out into the room, knowing that he would be heard.
“I know,” the voice replied, suddenly materializing into the body of his friend, all blond hair and sharp features. “But I think that we should talk.”
“What about?” Rudolf asked, turning in his chair to face his friend.
“I saw how you have been. How should I say this? I saw the gazes that you sent to the kitchen girls this evening.”
Rudolf blushed. “You have been watching me?”
“Oh, my dear prince, I am always watching you.”
From anyone else, such a statement would have seemed disturbing, but from his friend, it was strangely comforting.
He watched as his friend walked closer to him and sat on the floor at Rudolf’s feet. His friend looked up at him.
“Tell me what ails you, Rudolf,” he said.
“I…I don’t know…quite how to explain it,” Rudolf said. “Before, just a few days ago, I paid no attention to the women here. But now…it’s different. Every time I look at them…”
His friend laughed. “Oh, Rudolf,” he said. “That is entirely ordinary. Every boy feels like that when he sees a pretty girl.”
Rudolf nodded, pleased that it was normal to feel this way. He hesitated, though, because there was something else that he needed to say as well, and he could not imagine how his friend would reply.
“There’s…something else too,” he said quietly.
“Go on; say it. I won’t judge you for the thoughts of a boy,” his friend said.
“I felt like that when I saw a stable boy, too,” he said in a rush.
His friend was silent, and Rudolf could not categorize the expression on his face. It was a confusing combination of curiosity, surprise, and something else that Rudolf could not place, but which seemed strangely familiar.
“Is there something wrong with me?” Rudolf said, almost in a shout.
Quickly, his friend shook his head. “No, no, no, not at all, my dear prince,” his friend said in a murmur, so quiet that Rudolf could barely hear him.
“I know it’s not right that I like to look at boys like that,” Rudolf said. “I know that there are laws against…doing anything.”
“Love is greater than law,” his friend said.
Rudolf sighed. “You don’t understand,” he said. “You don’t even love anyone. You’re just Death, and you just kill people. I don’t even know why you talk to me.” He picked up his pen again, looking down at what he had just written.
And suddenly his friend was upon him, ripping the pen from his grasp and throwing it across the room.
“I don’t love, you say,” he growled. “I just kill people, you say.” He grasped the sides of Rudolf’s chair, leaning forward, close enough to feel Rudolf’s breath hot on his lips.
“You are the one who does not understand,” he said. “Why would I come to you, night after night, whenever you need me, whether you know it or not, if I did not love you?”
Rudolf gasped, pushing himself as far back in his chair as he could.
His friend shook his head, blond hair brushing Rudolf’s face. “I am Death, but I can love,” he said, almost as if he was trying to prove it to someone.
This was unfamiliar territory for Rudolf, but he let his emotions guide him. He leaned forward, intent on pressing his lips against Death’s.
And Death turned his head, blond hair meeting Rudolf’s lips instead. “No, no, no, you cannot do that,” he said. “You would die.”
“Is that not what you want?” Rudolf asked. “I will die one day, anyway. Why not make it today?”
“Not today,” Death replied. “Today, you are mine.”
He surged forward so that he was nearly sitting on Rudolf’s lap, and he burrowed his head into Rudolf’s neck, brushing his lips against his jugular.
Rudolf gasped again, but for an entirely different reason. “I…I feel it now…” he struggled to say. “I feel like I did…when I saw him…”
“Good,” Death whispered into his ear, and Rudolf could feel his smile against his cheek.
“What do I do?” Rudolf asked. “I…know nothing about…about any of this,” he said, gesturing to how close Death’s body was to his own.
“Do what feels right,” Death said, running his hands up Rudolf’s arms, and Rudolf shivered.
Hesitantly, Rudolf leaned forward and pressed his lips to Death’s neck, just as Death had done to him. “Is that right?” he asked.
“Oh, my dear Rudolf,” Death murmured. “You have no idea how right that was.”
Inspired by Death’s words to continue, he kissed Death’s cheek, his ear, his brow, and finally the tip of his nose. Death smiled at him, and Rudolf smiled back, invigorated by his new knowledge of love. Because this was love, he decided, even though his partner was lacking in life and could not kiss him directly. A touch of the lips was not necessary for love.
Still smiling at Rudolf, Death leaned forward so he was sitting in Rudolf’s lap, and Rudolf was surprised by how weightless he seemed. He turned and nuzzled his head into the crook of Rudolf’s neck.
“I do not think we should do anything else,” Death murmured into his collar. “You are still so young, and this is still so new to you.”
“But it feels so good,” Rudolf said. He rested his head upon Death’s, his brown hair mingling with Death’s blond hair.
“I know,” Death replied. “And it felt good to me too.”
Rudolf beamed. He had made Death feel good?
As if knowing what Rudolf thought, Death laughed. “Even I can feel good sometimes, if I am with the right person.”
Rudolf blushed.
“There are things that will feel even better, my dear prince,” Death continued. “But I think that you should wait a while yet to experience them.”
“Why can I not do those things now?” Rudolf asked. He had an inkling of what Death was speaking of, but he was inexperienced in these matters, and he could not discern exactly what he was talking about.
“You are still a boy. I think that you should wait until you are a man,” Death replied. “In a few short years, you will be.”
“In the meantime, find someone who you can kiss and who can kiss you back,” he continued, and Rudolf thought he detected a note of sadness in his voice.
Rudolf wrapped his arms around Death, bringing him even closer to himself. Death was cold, despite the many layers of clothing that he wore.
“I…I do not mind that you…that you cannot kiss my lips,” Rudolf said hesitantly.
“Rudolf, my dear, you will discover soon that you will want to kiss someone very much, and I cannot give that pleasure to you.”
“But I, just now, felt…pleasure…with you,” Rudolf insisted. “It felt so good.”
“But there are things that you cannot experience with me that will feel better, such as kissing, and I do not want to keep that from you.”
Death turned in the chair so that his head lay in Rudolf’s lap and his legs were swung over the arm of the chair. Absentmindedly, he played with the buckle of Rudolf’s belt.
“Well, I can do a lot with you,” Rudolf said. “And it all felt very good to me, and…I love you.”
“Those are dangerous words coming from someone who still has much time to live,” Death said. “Love for me does not usually lead to good things, my dear prince.”
“But I do love you,” Rudolf insisted. “I have liked others, but I have never loved anyone but you. And I do not mind kissing you, and I would like to try to do more of those things you talked about with you. I hate that you want me to wait when you have just opened my eyes to these new feelings.”
“It would be wrong of me to take from you that which you do not know how to give yet.”
“You could teach me,” Rudolf suggested. “I learn quickly.”
Death smiled up at him and splayed his fingers across Rudolf’s stomach. “I know that you do, dear prince, but I still must stop here.”
“I am finding it difficult…to agree with you…when you are…touching me there,” Rudolf choked out.
Death brought his hand away to rest on his own stomach and Rudolf found that he mourned the loss of that touch, however frustrating it was.
“Rudolf, please understand me,” Death said, looking intensely up at him. “You are still so young. You make reckless choices. This is not a choice you should make now. I will return to you when you are older, my sweet prince. I promise that I will. Then, you can make your choice.”
“Okay,” Rudolf conceded. That was not a “yes” from his friend, but neither was it a “no,” and that made him feel a little better about this situation.
Rudolf ran his fingertips through Death’s hair, marveling at how silky and soft the blond strands were. “Can I ask you something else?” he asked.
“I suppose so,” Death hummed.
“I know that you said that we cannot go further tonight, and I understand that now. But…could you sleep with me?” Noticing Death’s look of alarm, Rudolf corrected himself. “I mean, just sleep. Nothing else. I get so cold at night, and my bedclothes do so little to help block out the chill.”
“That…would be okay,” Death said. Rudolf untangled his fingers from Death’s hair. Death stood and stretched, and Rudolf realized for what seemed to be the first time just how tall he was. Death reached out for Rudolf, and Rudolf took his hand, allowing himself to be pulled up and out of the chair.
Rudolf removed his dressing gown and folded it over his chair, and Death removed his blue-and-black velvet coat and shoes. Rudolf climbed into the bed, and he stayed on one side of the bed instead of situating himself in the middle as he usually did.
Death climbed in after him and turned to face him, resting his hand against Rudolf’s cheek.
“Is this what you wanted?” he asked with a smile.
Rudolf moved closer so that his legs were tangled with Death’s and he could wrap his arms around Death’s waist. Even though Death was not much warmer than the cold air, the fact that another body was so close – especially the body of his friend – made him feel warmer.
“This is,” he replied. He bent his head and tucked it against Death’s collarbone, and he smiled when he felt Death’s hands card through his hair.
Rudolf fell asleep to the absence of a heartbeat and the lack of warmth, but it was the best sleep that he had had in years.
He woke to find that his friend had already left, but the disarray of his hair and coldness of his fingertips provided evidence of his friend’s presence, and that was enough for him.
After all, he supposed that Death was often very busy, and Rudolf was still just a boy.
But he was ready for the day that he would be a man.