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Seokjin holds his tray of hamburger and fries and sets it down on the table for four. He’s alone, eating for his lunch break before he goes back to his shift at his part time job.
He sits down, staying quiet as a creeping sadness bubbles up his chest.
He’s in the very same fast food restaurant where he had his last meal with Namjoon.
Their last meal when they were still dating, when Namjoon came to Seoul from Ilsan just to visit him. They entered this very same fast food restaurant in this shopping complex, eating dinner before Seokjin had to drive Namjoon to stay at his friend’s place for the night.
Letting the memories make its way into his mind, Seokjin unwraps the burger and starts chewing. It tastes good, but he doesn’t really process it anymore.
He remembers that night, eating with Namjoon at that very same place, where they had a nice time walking around the mall and watching movies that Seokjin let Namjoon pick. He never goes wrong trusting Namjoon’s taste in film. But it was a long day, and Seokjin was tired from driving. Namjoon mentioned not wanting the day to end, and he wondered aloud if they could spend more time together before he went back to Ilsan. It’ll take some time before he can visit again.
It was a long drive to Namjoon’s friend’s place and it was dark at the time. Seokjin got scared and angry, he was tired and he was afraid of driving so late at night. He refused to let Namjoon hug him as they reached outside the compound of Namjoon’s lodging. He was tired. He was angry that Namjoon let him drive so late when he told Namjoon he wanted to get home early. Namjoon withdrew gingerly, said goodnight, and trotted off into his friend’s place.
And that was the last time they saw each other.
It had nothing to do with death. Seokjin hoped it did. He hoped even more that it was his own death.
Instead, it was a figurative death of the relationship, and of Seokjin’s view of his own world.
Seokjin suddenly realizes he finished his burger. Setting down the crumpled wrapping, he reaches for the fries.
“I’m in a relationship mom, been together almost a year now.” Seokjin remembers announcing, over a family dinner at a noodle place they always go to.
His mom, who he loves dearly, was caught by surprise. “Oh, you are? Do I know this girl?”
“Actually, it’s a boy.” Seokjin answers matter-of-factly, not noticing the mood drop immediately at their table.
And that marks Seokjin’s descent into living hell, where everything he believed in crumbled away into disgust.
“No. Me and your father have decided that it’s best for you to stop dating that guy and focus on your studies.”
“I’m twenty years old mom, and it’s not like I have failing grades! Everything is fine and he helps me learn things too he…”
“I don’t want to hear it! Just LISTEN TO US SEOKJIN. IT’S US OR HIM, YOU MOVE OUT IF YOU CHOOSE HIM OVER US, AND IT IS FINAL!”
Oh, he tried to hold on. He tried, as stubborn as he was.
“Mom, my boyfriend is coming to visit this Saturday, do you want to meet him for dinner or something?” Thinking that his mom was objecting due to Seokjin not seeming serious about the relationship, he tried to make amends.
His mom’s face morphed into an expression that he could never forget.
It was of pure hatred, anger and disgust. Seokjin never knew his mother could look like that. She was to him always his kind mother, caring and accommodating. He could hear his own heart breaking and his beliefs slipping away from his soul.
“Never mind if you don’t want to.” He remembered throwing this statement towards her and leaving the room, suffocating from the disappointment.
After that the hatred and disappointment only increased, and it only increased and increased until the point where Seokjin wondered if he had been a fool all along. To believe that his parents were as kind as he remembered, were as accepting as he remembered.
He remembers crying, texting Namjoon to break up and tried to explain everything over text as calmly as possible. He least wanted to hurt Namjoon and he didn’t know how not to, especially after all that hurt directed towards himself. Seokjin was broken, but he couldn’t bring himself to hurt Namjoon.
But alas, Namjoon was hurt. He wanted Seokjin to hold on and try fighting back. He encouraged Seokjin to get his parents to slowly accept them dating. Seokjin agreed to give it a try, but at the cost of his pride.
“I will not change my opinion and THAT IS FINAL. You can’t tell your parents to change, only the young ones should change their opinions to suit us! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LISTEN TO US?” Seokjin remembers vividly how his father sat right across him, how his father kept scolding and scolding, not stopping when Seokjin cried, not stopping until Seokjin finally agreed to breaking up.
“You’re homophobic.” Blinking through the tears, he finally realized the truth. Seokjin glared venomously at his father and mockingly said, “it was never about my studies. It was just all because you’re HOMOPHOBIC”
“YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. I AM YOUR FATHER AND YOU LISTEN TO ME. I PROVIDE YOU WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CHOOSE HIM OVER THIS FAMILY.”
Seokjin could not keep count of how many times he cried, how hard he cried each time. It’s not about the relationship anymore, he realized. It was about how less his opinion and happiness actually mattered to the parents whom he adored and looked up to. It was about how wrong he was, thinking that he actually had the freedom to choose who he wanted to spend his time with, thinking that his parents were actually kind enough to respect his decisions.
“I’m sorry Namjoon… I’m sorry…” Seokjin sobbed into the phone for 15 minutes straight, and Namjoon kept quiet and finally said he did not know what to do.
Their first anniversary was only two months away… but there will be no first anniversary after all.
He contemplated suicide, countless times. But he also knows he’ll never do it. Because he knows that if he does, the fault would automatically lie upon Namjoon. Seokjin will never leave Namjoon to carry all the guilt. He will never.
His phone vibrates on the table where he set it down. He snaps out of his reverie, glancing at his phone. It notifies him that his shift will be starting in 5 minutes. Only then he realizes he sat in his seat close to half an hour staring into space, because he already finished both his burger and his fries. Sighing, he wipes his greasy fingers onto the tissue papers and stood up. He picked up his phone and wallet, stuffing them into his pocket and sipped his soft drink as he tries to remember his way out of the restaurant and the route back to his duties of selling skin-care products.
As he stood up, he looks around the place, memorizing how it looks like and how it looked like the last time he was with Namjoon.
It never occurred to Seokjin then, that the last time they came here, will forever be the last time.
He leaves, bringing along all his memories and sadness.