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‘’I heard there’s an actual voodoo that can cure your unrequited love. To think such nonsense of a job exists though. I wanted to check it out but it looked pretty shady.’’
‘’I don’t think you should do it. Your crush is a dick for not noticing your efforts honestly. Let love come to you naturally.’’
Jaehyun scoffs. He wishes it could be easy as that. He wishes the pain couldn’t have affected him this bad. He wishes it couldn’t have torn his heart in two and as he watches more and more, he thinks his heart is an unidentified solid, preparing for a crematory that can never happen. He sips his bitter tea and chuckles at how the bitter taste unfailingly fits the whole situation of his life. How bitter he is that he’s eavesdropping to a group of teenage girls complaining about their own version of unrequited love. It couldn’t have been bad; it couldn’t have been the same as Jaehyun’s situation.
‘’That’s easy to say than to do. Waiting for my true love to come might cost 10 years of my life. I could have certified to be someone’s aunt by then. The thing is that voodoo thing seemed convincing you know. It says on its website that there’s a hundred percent guarantee, it would work.’’
‘’Where did you even hear this from? I’m surprised your parents haven’t put a ‘child’s lock’ on your laptop or something. You discover all these weird things and I can’t guarantee that your discoveries will lead you to a positive outcome.’’
Call Jaehyun a hypocrite for eavesdropping further on their pointless conversation but he can’t ignore when such a choice is even available. A voodoo doll for Jaehyun to use to make Johnny look his way. For Johnny to pepper his face with light kisses. For Johnny to wrap his hands around Jaehyun’s waist as classical music plays in their shared apartment filled with scented candles. For Johnny to love Jaehyun. The mere thought of it even leaves Jaehyun jovial.
His bitter life doesn’t seem all that bitter when he plays romantic scenes with Johnny in his head. He needs that voodoo doll. After eavesdropping enough of the girls’ conversation, Jaehyun walks out of the café, not caring whether he finishes his favourite Americano.
After looking through the navigation to get to the voodoo’s place, Jaehyun is pretty convinced that the advertisement of the voodoo’s service is not a fraud one. He is at the sketchy part of the town. The kind of neighborhood you see portrayed in movies as the den of the bad guys. Jaehyun believes that he can get through this because what’s there to compare to getting his love to notice him? Nothing, Jaehyun stands on his ground on this one. He doesn’t mind crossing through volcanoes or flying himself to Mars if in the end he could Johnny to see him—to notice him. He’s pathetic, he knows.
One thing he’s grateful for is that, the voodoo place isn’t a little too hard to find. Seeing as there are advertisements of the service on poles everywhere and signs of direction to the place, Jaehyun takes less than thirty minutes navigating through the foreign area.
When Jaehyun arrives, he’s not sure what to think of. The place doesn’t seem as shady as the service provides. It seemed like a normal café except that there were dark purple curtains covering the front part of the shop. It could really have passed as a normal place if it wasn’t for the goosebumps Jaehyun is experiencing.
He carefully trudges to the front of the shop. Jaehyun doesn’t expect any surprising welcome gesture or anything but he should have had. The houngan* of the voodoo shop (Jaehyun presumes) peeks his head off the door.
‘’Congratulations, you’re our first customer for like the past decade.’’ The houngan smiles and Jaehyun feels tempted to smile because it’s in his genes to smile to anyone who smiles at him but this situation is a little complicated. Jaehyun doesn’t know what to expect from someone who practices voodoo but surely something that he has in his mind is that they are stereotypically described as odd.
The houngan who’s speaking to him is definitely nowhere near odd. His brown hair looked as if it was styled by an actual stylist. His face is the type where Jaehyun would have approved the other as an idol. Easy to say, Jaehyun wouldn’t have thought he’s the owner of the place if he hadn’t snuck his head off the front door.
‘’Should I be proud of that?’’ Jaehyun answers with a small voice. To what extent that this man can do, Jaehyun doesn’t want to know it through the wrong causes. ‘’Certainly, you should.’’ The houngan replies and the door flies open. It wasn’t any magical, that’s for sure.
'’Come in and I’ll solve your quandaries!’’
To say that Jaehyun has never consider the idea of escaping and forfeiting the quest is a little misleading but over the time he has been in the shop, he could not like that he’s truly considering the idea of ditching the idea of having his long-awaited happy life with Johnny. The houngan wasn’t cursing or spewing weird powders or anything but it’s just that this all seems like a fraud now that Jaehyun had entered the shop. He doesn’t even think it’s appropriate to call it a shop anymore.
The shop has this smell of coffee and Jaehyun swears he saw a coffee brewer somewhere. It smells like home. It smells very familiar. There were photographs in frames all over the walls of the shop. Normal photographs where you take with your family yearly. Lies at the corner of the shop is a gramophone, Jaehyun is intrigued on touching the vintage invention. He has always been a fan of classical music and he could feel his unconscious self is drifting towards Dreamland—Johnny and him swaying to the slow, steady rhythm of classical hits. It’s until the houngan clears his throat that Jaehyun knocks himself off his reverie.
‘’You’re not going to touch any of that?’’
Jaehyun gulps. Sure, the biscuits and the hot milk tea in front of him are tempting. But it’s better to get to business before he’s considered as a joke. ‘’Please tell me you actually practice real voodoo. Do you guys like get a certificate once you complete voodoo course or something? If then, I need to see it with my own two eyes.’’ The houngan that is seated in front of him smiles. It’s weird but Jaehyun is creeped out by the fact the houngan smiles with his mouth closed, not revealing his set of teeth. ‘’Sorry, Mr. Jaehyun, in voodoo world, we don’t keep such vile things as certificates. I’m with the’ Conserve the Environment’ group by the way.’’
Jaehyun has probably been an insensitive idiot for mentioning certificates since the houngan himself called it as a ‘vile thing’ but really, Jaehyun is now seeing the voodoo world in a new light.
‘’The name’s Winwin. Before you say it’s weird, we, voodoo practitioners also have our own stage name. That’s what you call your beloved idols with, right?’’ Winwin grabs a piece of chewing gum under his chair and chews it nonchalantly. Jaehyun bits his inner cheek as to refrain himself from expressing any sign of disgust.
‘’So, let’s get to business.’’
Winwin leans closer to the coffee table dividing the two. ‘’Whatchu need?’’
‘’I want my crush to notice me.’’ Jaehyun deadpans.
Jaehyun thinks it’s a norm for the other to hear this request. What other reason do people go to the voodoo for?
‘’This’s a first.” Winwin stares at Jaehyun oddly. As if Jaehyun is an alien for falling in love.
‘’Don’t look at me like that! Bet you had an experience with unrequited love as well!’’ Jaehyun half-shouts as he flings his arms in the air.
‘’I don’t do love, honey. That’s what we, voodoo —‘’
‘’Okay, I get it! So let me just get to the point here. I want my crush to like me and currently I think he’s having hots for someone else. Just give me anything to get him to return my feelings.’’ Jaehyun pleads with a hint of desperation in his voice.
‘’Well, sure. But drink the milk tea first.’’ Winwin leans to his chair and does this smirk; one Jaehyun can tell that he’s in for trouble.
‘’Is this the part of the deal? Because if it isn’t, I have diabetes.’’ A little lie couldn’t have hurt. Jaehyun is still a little too sceptical about the whole ordeal.
Winwin stares at Jaehyun, as if he’s reading into the latter’s future and soon, smiles.
‘’Okay, then. That was just a trick for me to get you to drink that tea. Such a shame that the tea is so good, though. I learned how to brew one from my childhood friend, who’s known for his excellent taste in coffees and te—‘’
Jaehyun rolls his eyes and chugs the whole tea down. It was hot and he immediately regrets chugging it all in one gulp. He groans in pain.
Winwin holds his belly as he laughs. There are definitely tears involved.
‘’Can we get down to it? Please.’’
After waiting for Winwin to finish laughing his ass off, Jaehyun finally receives an actual solution for his ‘problem’. Two, for the matter of fact. Winwin told him that he could either do it through music or beverages. Jaehyun decides to listen to both choices. Truth be told, the easier one to carry out is obviously the ‘through the drinks’ one. He only needed to brew a coffee or tea with a special tea bag that was given by Winwin. The drink won’t look any different from other normal tea, Winwin said. Jaehyun could get Johnny to like him. With just a special tea bag. He chuckles at the mere thought of it.
He decides against the ‘special tea bag’ way.
Winwin gave him a ‘special’ vinyl record. Along with record, Winwin gave him the gramophone Jaehyun has been side eyeing. Jaehyun swears he touched a little piece of heaven when his fingers ran through the maker’s plate. Winwin had advised for the gramophone to be taken care of because apparently, it was a property passed through his generation. Jaehyun passes it off as ‘voodoo practitioners’ thing.
Jaehyun is supposed to play the ‘special’ record and once Johnny hears a single note of it, he’s supposed to fall weak on his knees for Jaehyun. The hardest thing about this mission is that, Johnny has never been a fan of vintage and classical attributes. It’s one thing to get him to stay in the apartment and listen to classical tunes. The last time Jaehyun blasted their apartment with classical music, Johnny slept two minutes into the music.
When Jaehyun arrives home, he’s relieved to know that Johnny is currently outside. It pains his heart a little, thinking that his absence might have been related to Ten, the dancer who has captivated Johnny’s heart. He slaps his cheeks lightly. This is not the time to be all melancholy, he thinks.
He sets up the gramophone somewhere beside the small television in their living room. It shouldn’t be all that noticeable and Jaehyun has planned to set the record on the gramophone right after Johnny sets his foot inside their shared apartment. He serves himself with treats, adrenaline coursing through his blood because he couldn’t believe that he’s actually doing this. He’s seeking help from an unknown force and truthfully, he dare says he hopes this would work.
Johnny really needs to see how pathetic and weak Jaehyun is for him.
Few hours of waiting (or Jaehyun nervously fiddling with his fingers as he round the apartment for countless of times), a knock on the door knocks the nervous boy’s from his nervous attack. Jaehyun doesn’t move an inch from his spot. He doesn’t know why but why is it now that his thoughts are all jumbled up? Why does it feel like the idea of seeking help from a houngan doesn’t seem all that brilliant now? Why does it feel so wrong?
‘’I’m home, Jae!’’
Jaehyun bits his lip, an universal sign showcasing his nervousness. A sign Johnny knows all too well when he walks himself into the living room.
‘’Hey, what’s up?’’ Johnny approaches the static younger boy.
Jaehyun contemplates. Is it really worth it?
Sure, it would work. Sure, Jaehyun would get his long-awaited fairy-tale life with his Johnny. Johnny and he would dance to classical tunes (despite Johnny’s hatred) and they would stay awake until dawn, cuddling and just whispering small secrets to each other. They would have breakfast together in bed on the weekends. They won’t even have to care about that small gap between their beds.
Jaehyun averts his gaze to Johnny. That concerned look on Johnny’s face decides it all.
Jaehyun walks to the gramophone and sets it on. His hands are shaking. Tears are threatening to fall.
‘I should do this. I should do this. I should do this.’ Jaehyun repeats to himself, as if it’s a mantra that he couldn’t live without.
The ‘special’ record plays ‘Crazy Blues’ by Mamie Smith. The tunes resonate through the quiet apartment as if it’s filling the silence with soothing music.
‘He makes me feel so blue. I don't know what to do. Sometime I sit and sigh. And then begin to cry.’
‘’Jaehyun.’’ Johnny speaks up.
Jaehyun could feel, hear Johnny approaching him. He shuts his eyes tight and he digs his fingers to his palm.
‘’Jaehyun.’’
Jaehyun bits his lips.
He waits for a sign. Any sign at all, be it Johnny blowing a fuse or Johnny yawning to the slow song or Johnny kneeling to his knees, professing his love.
‘’Jaehyun, look at me.’’ Johnny stops right behind Jaehyun, his breath fanning Jaehyun’s nape and Jaehyun swears his body is doing that ‘negative feedback’ in a cold environment. Jaehyun doesn’t think he’s breathing. If he is, then his breathing is nowhere near a normal pace. It feels as if the intervals between every intake of oxygen are minutes or longer than that.
‘’Hey.’’
Jaehyun turns to his back slowly with the aid of Johnny who’s tugging at his shoulder.
‘’What’s wrong?’’ Johnny lifts Jaehyun’s head up as he cups the latter’s cheeks.
Jaehyun stays quiet. He knows in his head that he has to say something, anything. Should he profess to his sins and be condemned to hell forever for using a sinful way to get happiness? It’s not his fault. It’s in every human’s nature to act desperate. A selfish, despicable trait of theirs. In the end, all that matters is just one’s happiness.
‘’Johnny, do you feel anything right now?’’
‘’What do you mean by ‘anything’? I’m feeling worried, that’s for sure.’’ Johnny’s dark brown eyes keen on the younger that Jaehyun couldn’t even look at him. The latter turns his gaze away to anywhere except Johnny.
‘’Other than that?’’ Jaehyun bits his lips.
‘’Jae, what’s wrong here? What’s going on? Tell me if there’s something wrong.’’
Jaehyun turns away from Johnny’s hands. He feels like running away. It didn’t work. It didn’t work.
‘’I want to sleep.’’ With that, Jaehyun trudges slowly to his bedroom, slowly shutting the door behind him. He could hear Johnny’s footsteps. Johnny is walking. The footsteps are coming closer. Jaehyun closes his ears with his hands.
‘Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.’
Jaehyun should just come clean about his feelings. He wouldn’t have gotten them in this mess.
‘’Jaehyun, hey. Tell me what’s wrong. Don’t do this shit. Tell or just vent anything to me.’’
Jaehyun trails his body down the door. He ducks his head to the warmth of his knees. As if a cue, Jaehyun starts sobbing uncontrollably when he hears Johnny muttering a soft ‘please’ across the door.
‘’Johnny.’’
This is the moment, Jaehyun thinks. He could still hear Mamie Smith’s voice. He could still hear Johnny’s soft breaths against the wooden door. He could still hear his thumping heart beating at an abnormal pace. He could still feel that buzzing pain. He could feel himself reverting back to his bitter self.
‘’I like you. I really like you. I like you, I really do. Johnny, I like you. I love you.’’
There’s silence. A long ongoing silence that seemed to have lasted for hours. A small side of him is relieved and a bigger side of him is terrified, pained for Johnny’s lack of words.
‘’Jae-‘’ Johnny croaks.
‘’No, let’s not discuss any of this. I really want to sleep.’’
Jaehyun could hear Johnny trying to oppose against his idea but he decides to tune it off. Tuning off the pain is not a choice or an option but if sleep could offer even the slightest of solace that Jaehyun craves, he will do just that.
When Jaehyun wakes up, it all felt like a dream to him. Sometimes you get dreams of the things you’ve been wishing to happen and if yesterday were a dream, then it would be the worst nightmare he ever had. It could have overtaken the dream where he had to finish the world’s most difficult maze so he could save his family. But too bad, none of yesterday’s event was a dream. None of it.
One of the things he’s proud of his pathetic self is that he remembers by heart Johnny’s routine on mornings. It’s eight in the morning, meaning Johnny is probably at the kitchen, brewing himself coffee. One thing that Jaehyun could never get accustomed to, Johnny likes his coffee dark and bitter. Jaehyun loves his light and sweet.
‘If only his taste for coffees is applicable to humans as well.’ Jaehyun muses.
Because Jaehyun memorises Johnny’s routine, he waits in his bed. He’s glad that Johnny understands and complied to his request last night. Jaehyun had too many emotional breakdowns to function properly yesterday. Confessing yesterday wasn’t the nicest idea now that he’s clearheaded from the sadness enthralling his whole senses.
Jaehyun waits and waits. The clock is ticking painfully slow and Jaehyun really needs to get his breakfast, all that action yesterday has left him starved and red-eyed from all the crying.
It almost seemed like a blessing from God when the clock strikes eleven in the morning. Jaehyun assumes that Johnny is out as usual. He never questions why and he doesn’t want to know why. A big part of him screams that Johnny is seeing Ten and Jaehyun feels like crying all over again.
Jaehyun hops off his bed and carefully, slowly walks himself to his bedroom’s door. He leans his ear to the wooden door and gladly, there was no sound. Jaehyun twists the doorknob and pushes the door slowly as if he’s intruding on someone else’s property.
Happiness over washes him as he steps his foot out the door and it only lasted for a split second as a rough, calloused hand grabs his wrist. Jaehyun whines. ‘’Let me go!’’ He struggles against Johnny’s touch. He doesn’t want to be dealing with this shit too early in the morning.
‘’No! You listen to me, Jung Yoonoh!’’
Maybe it because Johnny called him by his full name that Jaehyun stops, maybe it was because Jaehyun is super tired of this whole drama and he really needs a closure for it all.
‘’Let me put my feelings in words. You can’t just assume that you know my feelings.’’ Johnny moves his hands to grip both sides of Jaehyun’s shoulders. Jaehyun could feel Johnny’s desperation as the latter grips him by the shoulders, shaking them a little.
Jaehyun doesn’t dare to look Johnny in the eyes. Everything is crumbling, he thinks.
‘’I don’t know what you did yesterday. With all that gramophone and that really old record. I haven’t had the slightest idea and maybe it’s your way to woo me but that’s just weird. I know you know how much I don’t enjoy classical music as much as you do. I haven’t had the slightest idea why you acted like that yesterday, very distant and just aloof. All I know for now is that you confessed yesterday.’’ Johnny pauses, as if he’s reciting a scripted speech.
Johnny cups Jaehyun’s cheeks, forcing the latter to turn his gaze towards him. It’s painfully painstaking that Jaehyun could feel himself all weak on his knees as those dark brown orbs stare right back at him. Jaehyun bits his lips.
‘’And I know you like Ten.’’ Jaehyun mumbles slowly but the words reach Johnny either way.
‘’I like Ten.’’ Johnny says and it takes a lot for Jaehyun not wince at the crystal clear statement.
‘’Please, just hurry it on and reject me already. It’s painful enough looking at you.’’ Jaehyun tears his eyes away from Johnny. His captivating eyes, his muscular body, his long legs. Jaehyun needs a closure and it pains him but step one is a proper rejection from Johnny.
‘’That’s the thing, Jae. You assumed too fast.’’ Johnny chuckles and Jaehyun internally chants ‘fuck you, Seo Youngho’ repeatedly. It’s so pathetic that Jaehyun harbours a small gleam of hope already.
‘’I like Ten because he’s a great dancer. He’s like an aspiration to me. I want to be as good of a dancer as he is. He always amazes me with cool moves. You know how badly I want to be a dancer. Dancing is my dream and learning and meeting up with Ten seems like a great stepping stone. But you, Jae, you’re different. You’re not just my aspiration. You’re my best friend, my roommate, my aspiration, my partner and most of it all, you’re my everything. What did you think that we share an apartment together? I love you too, Jae. I love you too.’’ Johnny smiles along with his eyes.
‘’Fuck you, Seo Youngho.’’ Jaehyun says as he covers his face with both of his hands. ‘’Fuck you.’’
Johnny smiles wider if that’s even possible. ‘’That’s the first thing you say after mutualizing our love? Truly iconic, babe.’’ He engulfs Jaehyun in a bear hug. ‘’I love you.’’
Jaehyun lets out a small whine. He could feel blood rushing to his face. Johnny keeps on nuzzling his nose on Jaehyun’s neck and he swears he’s going to die. Jaehyun is going to die before he even gets to experience the cheesy awaited scenarios he’s been dreaming of.
‘’What’s with that gramophone though?’’
‘’I’ll tell the whole story later. It’s pretty ridiculous.’’
Jaehyun says that but he’s not sure whether the voodoo spell actually worked or not but either way, he’s going to bathe himself in sheer happiness.