Chapter Text
Daesung looks up at the sky at the beginning of spring. He can hear birds chirping, singing happy song because finally they can bathe into the warmth of sun. Daesung smells the fragrant cherry blossom and closes his eyes. He inhales the sweet air and smiles. It has been a long time since the last time he came to the park just to enjoy the surrounding. The man actually hates sightseeing –he can’t differentiate the color anyway- but today, if it isn’t because his neighbor slash childhood friend slash senior slash ex-roommate, he wouldn’t be at Yeouido Park and see couples tangling their fingers together –another thing he can’t stand.
The forecast of cherry blossom peak is on point and if it’s not mistaken, the cherry blossom ending is just a week earlier than his birthday. Daesung scoff at the fact. As a boy who was born in spring, it’s hard for Daesung to hate the season of his birthday. He recalls what his mother always said to him on his birthday:
“The cherry blossom might have its ending, but my spring started when you’re born, Kang Daesung, my lovely spring boy.”
As his mother words ringing in his head, a petal falls onto the back of his hand. It is pink, right? He questions himself. The color that match the sky, if it is really blue, he shifts his eyes to take a glance at the sky. The grass is green, right? He glances at the bench, and the bench is brown, he sighs after reading the label on the bench, just at the corner of it. Fuck, he curses. The colors on his mind slowly fade away as the number of his age going up. It never goes down anyway. His hands rubs his face harshly, tired of living in the colorless world.
***
Just like the other people in his world, Daesung became color blind after he turned 10 years old, but it never bother him and another people because they will be able to see the color of their soul mate as soon as they turned 17, if they are lucky enough though. Some people found their soul mate at 18, some people taking more time than that, but every person will meet their soul mate eventually. It’s just some people have longer way to meet their significant other.
Daesung lived to believe that his soul mate was none other than Kwon Jiyong, a hyung older than him by eight months. Wherever Jiyong was, Daesung would be there, too. Daesung tailed him everywhere and they couldn’t be separated. Daesung was there when Jiyong turned color blind and Jiyong was there to hug Daesung when the younger turned color blind, too. They helped each other and thought that after turned 17, they would wait no longer to see the color again because they were sure they were each other’s soul mate.
They spent their time imagining the happy fact that they didn’t have to search anywhere for their soul mate. Their parents were childhood friends turned soul mate and it made Daesung and Jiyong put more faith in their relationship. Daesung thought they would marry each other as soon as he turned seventeen. Their parents also believed so that they supported Daesung and Jiyong in any way they could.
It was Jiyong who turned 17 earlier than Daesung. They spent time together at Jiyong’s room at summer night, hoping that Jiyong would see the color of Daesung. But even if Jiyong could see the color, Daesung pleaded that the older man had to keep it secret, not wanting the good moment to be spoilt.
But Daesung kept forgetting that there was a chance that they were not soul mate.
They were holding hands, Jiyong blinked for some times as soon as the clock hands pointed at twelve. The older looked at Daesung who smiled ear to ear. Daesung remembered that Jiyong planted a kiss on his head, without saying anything and hugged Daesung tight while sleeping until the sun was over the horizon.
The first color the people will see first is the color of their soul mate–not even their skin color. Then, if they do intimate things such hugging and kissing, slowly but sure they will see the colors. They will fully see the colors if they make love to each other.
That was why Daesung was sure that Jiyong saw his color despite not saying anything after kissing and hugging Daesung. The younger even felt that Jiyong poured him love more than he used to. Jiyong would lace their fingers together rather than holding it. He would pepper Daesung kisses, other than his lips, almost every time they met. The hug felt even tighter and more possessive, as if Jiyong wouldn’t want Daesung to go anywhere.
How could Daesung think of bad things would happen if Jiyong acted like that?
Daesung sensed something wrong when it was nearing his birthday. Jiyong would fidget when Daesung near him, no kisses and hugs anymore from the older man and Daesung was sure the older man put distance between them. Daesung couldn’t find him at his house, his mother saying that he got some new part-time jobs. Being so naïve, Daesung thought that Jiyong was working hard to save money to buy him something.
When it was two hours before the day changed to his birthday, Daesung waited Jiyong outside the Kwon family’s apartment, which just two doors away from his apartment. Jiyong’s mother told him Jiyong’s schedule and the younger knew that Jiyong would not come to the apartment before midnight, so Daesung decided to wait outside, stomach churning, heart drumming at the thought of being able to see the color of his soul mate. He even shyly prepared the lube and condom, in case if Jiyong would want the same thing as him: seeing the colorful world again.
Daesung heard footsteps nearing the place where he crouched and he was sure that it was Jiyong’s –how he kind of dragged his steps and the speed of his steps. He stood straight, hands became clammy as the day has changed and he wanted to see his soul mate.
Then it hit him hard.
Jiyong still appeared black, white and gray on his eyes. Colorless.
Daesung shook his head and rubbed his eyes, maybe his sight had betrayed him. He ran to Jiyong who was nailed to the ground as soon as he saw Daesung. The younger’s legs became jelly as his nails made crescents onto his palms.
No, maybe Jiyong Hyung is wearing black.
The younger man took the cap Jiyong was wearing and searching for the label. His heart broke when the label read ‘red’ while his eyes caught only dark grey when he saw the cap. The air became too heavy for Daesung to take a breath. He gulped the non-existent saliva and bit his lower lip hard it bleed. He looked at Jiyong on his eyes, couldn’t understand the situation.
Who was wrong?
Who was right?
What was us?
How could you?
What happened next was Daesung lifted up his right hand and landed it full force on Jiyong’s left cheek. It wasn’t even a minute when Daesung got the same pain on his left cheek. Daesung was in disbelief, his hyung had slapped him. The hard slap broke the dam, Daesung cried a river while Jiyong looked at him with no emotion.
“Don’t you ever think that you’re the only one whose heart is broken right now. Do you know how I feel when I couldn’t see your color eight months ago?” Jiyong almost hissed. “Do you know every time you smile you broke my heart? Do you know how afraid I am to tell you the truth when it only caused pain in our chests? Even you’re not my soul mate, I’ve loved you with all my heart, Daesung-ah.”
Every word hit Daesung hard, hammering the inside of his body. Daesung froze in his place, fists still tight wounding his palms. The tears blurred his vision, but even without seeing clearly, the warmth of Jiyong got closer and then Daesung was enveloped in Jiyong’s embrace.
“I am sorry I lied to you for this long, acting like I could see your color, but please Daesung, don’t hate me.”
Daesung sneaked his arms to Jiyong’s back, fisting his shirt. His heart clenched at the thought that the warmth his familiar at wouldn’t be his for the rest of his life, as what he had believed for so long. It was someone else’s, not him.
Someone else’s.
“I hate you, Hyung.”
The younger man pushed Jiyong away as the thought of not having Jiyong soul mate. The plans they made together just crumbled like that and Daesung didn’t want to believe it. Not when Jiyong had lied to him for too long. Eight months of acting? What a good actor. Daesung turned on his heels, showing his back to Jiyong. Without even looking back at the older man, he walked away, stumbled his feet here and there because of his scattered heart.
Without making any sound on the floor that would make his parents woke up, he went to his own room. Jiyong didn’t call him, nor trying to stop him when he went away. He curled up into a ball on his bed then he decided that the silence in his room was louder than the noises he had ever heard.
His sob gradually calmed down, but the pain stayed in his heart. The wound he didn’t know when it would heal, the wound he didn’t know how to heal.
Why did Jiyong Hyung lie to me?
How come they were not soul mate?
What was wrong with them?
All the love they had for each other, all the time they sacrifice for each other, all the things they did for each other; would things be a waste since they were not destined to be? Then what should Daesung do if he ever faced Jiyong again? Would Jiyong change the way he treat Daesung?
All the questions were left hanging on Daesung’s head and he slept with pillow wet from his tears.
***
When the sun ray woke him up by warming his face up, he really hoped that Jiyong would be on the empty side of his bed. That was what Jiyong would do when they fought with each other and Daesung would do the same when he pissed the older man off. A good morning hug, a breakfast on the bed, and an apology –that was the routine Daesung knew by heart. Daesung shifted his position from laying on his right side to lay on his left side, hands searching for the warmth he used to.
But nothing.
His hands found nothing.
Opening his own eyes was a struggle and he realized that his small eyes might completely disappear because of the swell he had after crying his heart out last night. So what if Jiyong Hyung is here with me? It won’t change the fact that I am not destined with him. Despite the coldness of not having the older man beside him, Daesung imagined that Jiyong would be there, thumbs caressing his face, telling him that he was in some sort of dream and he would wake up to see the colorful Jiyong.
But he got nothing.
There were no thumbs caressing Daesung’s face, mapping every corner of his face while giving him his signature gummy smile.
Then Daesung pulled his blanket to cover his empty heart
***
Kwon Jiyong was in his last year of senior high school and Kang Daesung was in his second year when they found they were not soul mate. After Jiyong’s birthday and the fight, Daesung hadn’t talked to the older man for almost one month. The new semester happened, the night courses happened, and the preparation for university happened –for Jiyong. He never tried to look for Jiyong at school –he always stayed in his class, even it was the time for lunch break, to avoid meeting with the older boy. He was sure Jiyong didn’t try to look for him because Daesung never saw him coming to his class. Somehow it made him relieved, but there was a void in his heart when he realized their relationship ended just like that.
For some time, Daesung dodged his mother’s questions about Jiyong, why the older man never came to their house again and why her son never spent time with Jiyong anymore. Once, twice, thrice, Daesung had prepared reasons: Jiyong was busy with school and part-time jobs, Jiyong went here and there… But he was never a good liar in front of his mother. A simple ‘tell me the truth’ had broken Daesung’s fortress.
In the morning of the fourth Saturday of their fight, Daesung felt that there was another weight on his bed. Slow but sure, he gained his consciousness first by blinking and rubbing his eyes. His heart started to beat in faster rhythm when he heard a particular sound of breathing. He wriggled, moved to see the owner of that special melody he had carved in his head.
Kwon Jiyong.
Jiyong Hyung, Daesung whispered.
The older man made his own arm as a pillow, a smile brighter than the sun greeted him, showing off his red gum and pearl white teeth. His bright orbs stared at Daesung softly and the younger just wanted to cry.
He missed his hyung so much.
“I’ve missed you so much, Daesung-ah.”
It wasn’t ‘good morning’ or ‘hello’. Jiyong went straight to say what Daesung wanted to say, too. But Daesung’s lips were locked. Four weeks without Jiyong apparently was too much for him.
“Don’t you miss me?” Jiyong asked. The older man’s hand moved to hold his hip then went to rub his back. Daesung couldn’t help but to sink more at the ministration, somehow purring and buried himself to Jiyong’s embrace.
It felt so right, being held by Jiyong, Daesung thought. He was sure he wouldn’t find another place he wanted to be aside Jiyong’s warm chest. He snuggled closer and Jiyong chuckled at how easy it was to melt Daesung’s heart. No, he should be angry and mad to Jiyong. He should be ignoring the older man, but, like opposite side magnet, he found himself attached to Jiyong.
“Daesung-ah? Will you say something?”
The younger inhaled the white musk scent from the thin figure before answering. “I’ve missed you so much you can’t imagine how big my longing for you.”
“Then why don’t you try to find me?”
Daesung’s upper and lower lips glued to each other. He didn’t know what the reason behind his stubbornness was, but what he realized that it ended up hurting himself.
“Aigooo. Stone headed man. In this world, there are only two people who understand this stone head, your mother and I. Oh—” Daesung felt a movement on the top of his head and he was sure Jiyong was shaking his head. “—three I mean. The last one will be your soul mate.”
Daesung looked up to meet Jiyong’s eyes, trying to find something that would ease his own heart. “Will he or she understand me like you, Hyung?”
“I am sure that person is willing to learn about you, my beautiful angel.”
A faint of pink shade appeared on Daesung’s cheekbones, heart flipped here and there at the nickname and his mind wandered again if he would meet someone who would make him feeling something like what Jiyong did to him. His eyes still locked at Jiyong’s and the older man’s eyes never been so sure.
“I am sorry I slapped you,” Daesung freed himself from the embrace, but Jiyong’s hand still on his hip, “I didn’t mean it.”
“Me too, Daesung-ah,” Jiyong cupped his cheek. “Should Hyung kiss the pain away?” Jiyong’s eyebrows wiggled and he threw a smirk at Daesung.
Daesung laughed wholeheartedly, the hole in his heart slowly filled by the happiness, uneasy feeling faded away just like that. Even though Jiyong wasn’t his soul mate, the fact that Jiyong still loved him—wait.
“Hyung, will you still love me? This won’t change anything, right?” Daesung bit his lower lip as his eyes searched for the truth in Jiyong’s eyes.
Jiyong looked up at the ceiling for a while then gazed back at the younger boy. “Do you want the truth or honey-glazed words?”
The distance between Daesung’s eyebrows narrowed, couldn’t understand the question Jiyong gave to him. “Of course I want the truth.”
“My love for you won’t change, but of course I will love my soul mate more than you after I found her or him,” Jiyong carded his fingers on the youngers hair ever so softly. Daesung’s heart still went drumming and he surrendered at the calming feeling Jiyong made him into.
“I’m not sure if I want that to happen. Not when you’re the one who makes my heart flutters like this, Hyung.”
“I bet your heart will go crazy, stomach flip here and there, and head goes dizzy when you’re finally can see the color of your soul mate, Daesung-ah. Think about the effect that multiplies thousand times compared what I feel or you feel right now.”
“How do you know? You haven’t met your soul mate, haven’t you?” Daesung took Jiyong’s hand away from his head. Somehow, he had another uneasy feeling creeping up his heart when he heard Jiyong blabbering.
“I haven’t, but the stories we heard all over again are enough for us to imagine that, right?”
Daesung scoffed, “Really? You’ve got this smile plastered all over your face,” the younger waved his palm over his own face. “Like you really know what would happen if you meet your soul mate.”
“I hope we will meet our soul-mates at the same time so we can share the feelings, Daesung-ah,” Jiyong said and kissed the top of his head lovingly.
***
Of course that didn’t happen –the finding soul mates together.
At his third year in university, Jiyong left Daesung color blind alone because he caught a glimpse of his soul-mate at the very beginning of new semester. When the new students were gathered at their faculty hall, Jiyong grasped Daesung’s coat as he mumbled ‘I found…’ over and over again during the ceremony. Jiyong saw his soul mate’s color first, although it was only his backside since he was standing in front of Jiyong.
‘In the galaxy so dark, I’ve finally found my star,’ that was Jiyong said to him.
Then there he is, waiting for his Jiyong Hyung to come at the park. He dragged Daesung to watch his soul mate’s performance since it is the first showcase of the younger lover of Jiyong and Daesung couldn’t say no to the eyes that sent pleas to him.
“Daesung-ah?”
Daesung snaps at the familiar voice. He looks up and finds Jiyong who shows his gummy smile at him. Jealousy starts to invade his heart and his head when he sees Jiyong’s cheeks are painted with another color that he believes is pink. The color he remembers would appear on Little Jiyong’s cheeks whenever the older man was cold after playing snowball with him.
“Sorry for making you wait for so long. Let’s go now so we can get closer to the stage!” Jiyong wraps his fingers around Daesung’s wrist, tugging him away from the bench without listening what Daesung wants to say, but Daesung plays along with him.
Since Jiyong found his soulmate, Daesung realizes that the older man somehow radiates, glowing, like he is some kind of a light. Not the bright one Daesung has on his desk to help him when he studies, but the one the restaurants have: dim but beautiful. Or, if Daesung can explain more, it is like the light when the sun sets into the horizon, not the blinding his eyes, but pleasant to see.
True to his words, Jiyong never loves Daesung less –he still loves Daesung the same. But while Daesung gets the ‘same’, Jiyong naturally gravitates to his soul mate more. Not to mention when he saw a smug grin on the older man’s face after a night spent away from their shared apartment; the time Daesung knew that Jiyong has seen the colors.
Daesung was left alone, color blind.
They stop at the spot not too close to the stage but also not too far that they can’t see the performance. The spot is perfect and Jiyong hopes the crowd won’t push them back.
“I wonder what Seungri is doing now,” Daesung hears a giggle escaped from Jiyong’s mouth while gripping Daesung’s hand tight. Love radiates from his eyes while his head ducking to get a glimpse of Seungri. “Is he nervous because this is his first showcase?”
Upon hearing the name of Jiyong’s soulmate, Daesung flinches. Daesung is sure that the shorter man who stands beside him has said the name of the younger more than he said Daesung’s. Since he found out the identity of his blonde-haired soulmate, Jiyong would never stop saying something about him, hurting Daesung’s inside every time he said Seungri or Lee Seunghyun, the blonde’s real name.
The blonde is younger than the two of them, majoring in dance while Jiyong majoring in music composition major and Daesung majoring in vocal. Lee Seunghyun was a trainee in a famous agency in South Korea but decided to quit after his parent opposed the idea him being an idol for his life, but agreed when he said he would be a dance teacher slash professional dance instead. That was what Jiyong told him.
“Have I told you that I composed the music he’s going to dance to?” Jiyong giggles again.
Of course he has heard it like, thousand times. Every showcase requires cross-major cooperation and it wasn’t hard for Seungri to ask for Jiyong’s help. Jiyong would go back to their apartment late, exhausted but happy because he helped his soul-mate and his group for their first showcase.
“Daesung are you here with me?”
Daesung feels a tug on his shirt and his eyes catch a pout.
“You didn’t answer all of my questions. Heck, you’re being all silent today.”
The younger rolls his eyes. What I am supposed to answer? He screams inwardly. He lets out a sheepishly grin because he really doesn’t know what to respond.
“You don’t like I dragged you out from your cave? You’ve been living like a pig!” Jiyong hisses like a snake.
If it’s an animation, Daesung thinks that his nose will change into pig’s nose and on the background there will be ‘oink-oink’ sound when Jiyong said he’s been living like a pig. But it is not an animation and Daesung shrugs. “I am worried about my second showcase,” he finally says something.
“Oh? You haven’t found a person yet?” Jiyong’s jaw drops at the statement. “I thought you had prepared it since… Autumn last year?”
“I did, but apparently my professor said contemporary dance won’t give me much point because it will showcase the dance more than it’ll show my vocal,” Daesung looks blankly at the people who are preparing the stage. “I have to have someone who can play guitar or piano for me. That way I can actually sing and show off my techniques.”
As soon as Daesung finished his sentence, the MC greets them and it is the cue for the people to focus to the stage. Quite a lot people come to the showcase as it is one of the three times the students of Art Faculty could show off their talent. There will be small groups performing traditional music instruments, musical ensemble, vocal groups and dance groups. The spring stage is mostly filled by the second year students and they will perform in groups while the summer stage, which Daesung will perform at, is a special stage for the third year.
Daesung sighs heavily again. Damn, he curses himself. He was so sure his professor slash advisor would agree at his proposal, that was making a music video with contemporary dancer, then at the second part of the music video, he and the dancer would come out and perform on the stage. He had made a dummy video with the help of his friends who is a dancer and also a friend from visual communication design to help with the idea. However, instead of praise, he got a scold from his professor, saying that he needed to think clearly as the people from famous agency (which are his friends) will come to see the stage and his professor had a high hope for Daesung.
‘You will work as a vocal trainer or even a singer, Daesung-goon,’ his professor said to him.
His mind is busily wandering here and there while he realizes that his Jiyong Hyung grabs his thumb. The older man just points his chin to the stage and a blonde man comes to the stage to introduce the group.
“Hi!” Daesung recognizes Seungri’s happy tone even he hasn’t set his eyes at the blonde man. “We’re VICTORY from—”
Seungri’s voice fades away in the background as Daesung looks up at the sky then slowly shifts his eyes to see the line of cherry blossom trees. There are a lot more people outside the small barriers that were set for the audiences. His eyes catch couples walking at the park while cherry blossom petals fall and shower them. Even though it’s a distance away, Daesung almost can hear the laughter the woman produce while sneaking her hands into her soul mate. Daesung sees they kiss each other passionately and he casts away his head to the other direction—
A light.
Daesung’s breath hitches and he feels nauseous all of a sudden. A low jab goes straight to his gut. No way, he thinks. But he is sure he wouldn’t mistake another color. It’s shining bright in Daesung’s eyes even though he is in the sea of colorless objects. His legs almost give away at the color he sees.
Brown.
It is blur, but he remembers the color of the chocolate Jiyong would give him as a bribe when he wanted something from Daesung. It was the color of the bench he usually sat with Jiyong at the park near their apartments. It was the color of the door to his room.
The color, no, the person doesn’t move for some seconds and Daesung gulps. It is a ‘he’, Daesung says to himself, heart racing at the sight. Tall, black-haired…
Daesung takes his time to the first color he sees after he became color blind. But as he takes his time, the bright light and brown color moves. The first thing that came in his mind was to scream stop when the color becomes distant from him. But he is sure the person couldn’t hear him as the music from the speaker is too loud for his liking. He pushes the other people while mouthing endless sorry to the people who are mad at him, leaving perplexed Jiyong behind. He doesn’t care the curses thrown at him—he makes his way to the direction that he believes would lead him to his Mr. Brown.
My soul mate.
His legs move faster than his brain that is still processing the new information about the color he is seeing, but that makes his movements unsteady and he trips, breaking the contact with Mr. Brown. When he finds himself is outside the barrier, he lost his sight of his soul mate. His fingers ball up into fists and his legs give up on him, making the man falls on the ground.
Many pairs of eyes look down at him, but he doesn’t care anymore. He wants to run, but he doesn’t know where to run. He wants to—
Then he finds some strength to get himself standing up and looking around the park. He runs while eyes looking around to search for the light, the color he saw after years in colorless world. His breath becomes erratic as he notices he has reached the east side of the park, quite far from the stage.
Daesung bends forward while arms on his knees to support his upper body. How can a people run that fast? Daesung is sure he ran fast than he’s ever done in his life just to search for a person he doesn’t know.
A person he’s supposed to know.
A person he’s supposed to be with.
Why so desperate? A little voice in his head mocks him. You’ve never been so desperate before.
Daesung silently agrees with the voice. He stopped caring for quite a long time compared to the people around him who constantly searching for their soul mates. Daesung didn’t care and Daesung never cared. All the happy stories, all of his friends’ persuasions and all of public display affection by Seungri and Jiyong wouldn’t waver him. Moreover, he stopped imagining things when his dream to be with Jiyong was shattered just like that.
Believing things makes someone vulnerable.
As he gets back on his feet, tears involuntarily escape from the corner of his eyes and he wipes it with his thumbs quickly. However, the dam has broken already and he prefers to squat on the ground before he falls. Covering his face, he lets out broken and silent sobs. He cries his heart out.
He feels so lost.
After seeing the light for the first time, all the fortress he had built for himself shatters, the longing feeling seeps through the pieces and he really wants to see the colors people are talking about. He wants to see colors instead of imagining it. He’s also tired of not able to get full affection from Jiyong who has Seungri already. He wants to be hugged, the warmth that would be there surrounding his body to go through the cold nights.
He wants someone to be by his side.
Why didn’t I search for my light sooner?
Daesung fishes out the handkerchief in his pocket and wipes his face dry from the mucus and tears. He laughs bitterly at himself. Why his heart has to be broken once again? How could it break again when it’s been broken before? He clutches his heart, how much I should suffer before someone come and mend my broken heart?
The broken-hearten man stands up with all the left might he has. He brushes off the dust he has on his trousers earlier and goes back to meet Jiyong. Jiyong Hyung must’ve been surprised to see me flew away just like that.
As Daesung walks, a pair of eyes tailing him. The owner of the eyes fixes his eyeglass and blinks a few times before muttering something.
“Sunshine.”
Years goes by after his 17th birthday and Daesung honestly believed that he would feel content with Jiyong stayed on his side. Nothing strayed too far from they had planned: Jiyong and Daesung strived for their dreams and applied at the same university. Daesung was happy, very happy if he could say, but after the color he saw at the park, he realizes that there is something insufficient with only being happy. It has been a long time since he felt like he’s swept off from his feet and heart beating so fast because of first-times.
The twenty one years old man experienced many of his first-time with Jiyong -kiss, hug, hold hand. All the gestures made him giggling uncontrollably, even years after that the first-times would have his lips tugged into a smile. However, catching the color of his soul mate, even it was just a glimpse of that, created grand feelings and popped many questions for him.
Maybe this was what Jiyong Hyung felt when he found Seungri.
Daesung pulls his hair and lets out a loud growl. Fortunately, he is alone in the class (because he got there very early, thanks to his insomnia) that no one will look at them strangely. Moreover, he didn’t get a good sleep after the day at the park and it affects his mood. He tends to be grumpier by the fourth day of tossing his body here and there on his small bed.
Taking a deep breath, he absent-mindedly plays with his pen and then he sees his own pencil case. He remembers having small marker that has color brighter than black to differentiate the black color of notes on his music sheets. He usually uses the marker for writing small notes over the music sheets and since he could only see in grayscale, the marker helps him a lot. He takes the marker out from his pencil case and spells the color stated at the cap.
Light Brown
Daesung can’t imagine the light brown, but the word brown seems to fill his mind lately and he becomes somewhat frustrated over the fact that he lost the sight of his soul mate. A loud thud is heard –Daesung’s temple kissed the hard wooden table in front of him, but he doesn’t care. Maybe passing out could help him getting some rest he needs so much.
“Yo, man! G’morning!”
A familiar voice greets him and Daesung feels he doesn’t have to greet the owner back, although it would come out disrespectful. He believes the man will underst—
A pinch on his arm startles Daesung and he immediately caresses the painful spot.
“A junior must respect his senior by greeting back, you rascal!”
Daesung mouths some bad words but not loud enough to be heard by his senior who beams a bright smile at him. His white teeth never fail to amaze Daesung and not to mention his eye-smile.
“Moooorningg…” Daesung sings the word like he’s singing in an opera play and the senior who still standing beside him shakes his head.
“You brag so much about your voice. I don’t know why I keep you beside me, though.”
“Because my voice is really good and it is an ear candy, right Taeyang Seonbae?”
A hit lands on his head and Daesung has to control himself not to lose his sanity. The side effect of lack of sleep starts to dominate his body and he doesn’t want to have a body fight with the muscular man beside him. He groans again when he finds Youngbae hit him with bundles of papers, which Daesung assumes is a material for his upcoming class, considering that Youngbae is the assistant of the professor.
“I told you to call me Hyung. Youngbae Hyung,” the senior pulls a chair and sits on it before he continues to talk. “If you keep call me Seonbae, I’ll act the way a true senior has to be: harsh to their juniors. But I know you still want me to help you.”
Daesung scoffs, “Have you ever heard that you’re a son of a devil, Hyung? I really want to tell the world that Angelic Taeyang on stage is really different from satanic Dong Youngbae.”
“I am the devil myself, Daesung-ah,” Youngbae smirks at him. “Oh by the way, why are you here so early and what’s with the long face? Even longer than the horse.”
The struggle is real inside Daesung’s head. Even though he has known the man beside him for two years, it has always been a casual conversation, sometimes Seungri would be the topic of their conversation as he’s the only connection they have. Youngbae is a dance major and so is Seungri, so they will talk about Seungri this and Seungri that. It’s not enough for Daesung to trust his heart. Because trusting your heart to someone will hurt you at the end.
“Daesung you can trust me,” Youngbae holds his hand and gives him an assured look. Youngbae is the one who always tries to break the high wall surrounding Daesung’s heart, but Daesung is just too stubborn to see the sincere intention. “You can trust me when you when someone to hear your story.”
The younger man fights with himself, pondering whether he should share the problem he has in mind or not. Seeing the eager Youngbae, he heaves a sigh and nods, “Okay. Are you sure you want to hear me?”
“Of course, we have like ten minutes before the class start and before I become busy. Straight to the story, Kiddo!”
“Have—” Daesung gulps the lump in his throat. “Have you seen your soul mate?”
“Well. Of course I have. It’s been three months since the first time I saw her,” Youngbae’s eyes now full of twinkling stars as he tells Daesung story.
“Then? Have you done anything to, you know, chase her?”
“Chase?” Youngbae laughs. “Why should I chase her?”
Daesung bits his lower lips, thinking of the wrong choice of word. “I mean, now you have seen her color, have you done anything to, I don’t know, get to know her? Or you have known her before?”
“Well, if you mean ‘get to know’ instead of ‘chasing’, then I did do something. Since she isn’t in my circle of friends, I had to ask this friend of friend to help me introducing myself. Oh my God, that was more nerve-wracking than having to perform in a stage. How about you? I think you never told me anything about that. Well, we never talk from heart to heart, right?” Youngbae shrugs, emphasizing the word ‘we’.
Daesung rubs his “Well, it’s not that… We know each other?”
“Woah, woah? I’m hurt! This is an unrequited love! You!” Youngbae puts his palm on his chest, feeling offended. “Anyway, I congratulate you and thank you for taking first step to open your heart for me. Now continue, we don’t have much time left. How about you, Daesung-ah? Have you seen the light of your life?”
The light of your life, Daesung repeats once more in his head. He is the light of my life.
“I assume that as a yes and now you’re freaking out. Am I right?”
Daesung nods.
“And you don’t know what to do next.”
Daesung nods again.
“Then we should go to somewhere to discuss this.”
Daesung rolls his eyes. This man!
“You have to be careful for the next step since that person is a stranger for you even though it was written in the stars that the person is your soul mate. I have been courting my lady for two months and despite haven’t fully got out from the color-blindness, it is really good to see outside the grayish tone,” Youngbae continues his story and pats Daesung at the end of his sentence. He gives Daesung a million watt smile.
“One last question. May I know your soul mate is?”
The professor comes to the class and Youngbae pulls something from his backpack before he hugs the bundles of materials near to his chest. It is a pamphlet of their university’s museum and Daesung throws a confused look at Youngbae. The older just mouths ‘open it’ before going to meet the professor. The younger man obeys it and opens the pamphlet just to see a very beautiful woman. Her long black hair framed his small face, eyes as big as deer’s and her smile melted the hearts of the people who see the picture of her. The caption read: Min Hyorin, Volunteer.
Youngbae Hyung is so lucky.
***
Youngbae advised him to go to park to trace the presence of Mr. Brown –the name Youngbae gave to the mysterious man. That was the conclusion after two hours of conversation accompanied by bubble tea after the class. Daesung felt like he was used but Youngbae said that it was the payment for him.
Every time he has spare time between classes or day off, Daesung would go to the park. Then again, he doesn’t have any exact plan except to wander around the park. Sometimes when the birds’ chirp was heard from his apartment, he has worn his running shoes and sweatpants, ready to jog around the park. Of course his eyes would not just trailing the jogging track but also look for any color other than grey, black and white.
On average, he spends two or three hours every day to search for Mr. Brown and he has done it for three weeks. Thanks to new everyday routines, jogging and doing some muscle exercises at the park with the ahjummas, the muscles on his arms and legs have built up and he felt healthier despite the exhausting attempts of looking for Mr. Brown.
The date has become 22nd of April when he decides to sit at the bench of the park instead of jogging around. Some of his black locks peeking out from his hoodie and he quietly pulls it to cover his eyes. Resting his eyes is much better thing to do right now than looking around the park, observing the area one by one without knowing when to stop.
Some questions popping out as he closes his eyes. Does the search of his soul mate have no ending? What if Mr. Brown went abroad and he only has a little chance to meet him? Everyone seems to find their own soul mate, why he has to wait and search for his soul mate while the other met their soul mate easily?
Daesung kicks the small stone that was near his right foot. Should he stop looking for him and wait for the day when they will gravitate to each other? But when it will come? Regardless of the unanswered question on his head which only make his head dizzy, he stands out and walks away from the park.
Maybe it’s time to pamper himself in a bubble bath, thinking another things such as his upcoming birthday and where the gang and he should go to celebrate his 22nd birthday.
As Daesung goes away, like the other day, someone fixes his glasses and stands up from the bench meters away from where Daesung sat. The owner of the glasses is sure Daesung couldn’t see him but his spot was the best spot for him to stare at Daesung unnoticed. He always finds Daesung smiling but, unlike the days before, his sunshine covered by dark cloud and he doesn’t like it.
***
“So, do you have something you want to do at your birthday Hyung?” Seungri breaks the quiet living room where Jiyong and Daesung live together. Jiyong is busy cooking dinner for them in the kitchen, the sound of meat sizzling clearly heard from where Daesung and Seungri sit.
Daesung looks at the calendar without answering Seungri’s question before shaking his head. He thought about a plan, of course, plans even, but nothing feels right. He wants to go camping but the weather forecast it will rain at Yeosu, where the place is good for camping at the beach. Moreover, if they go camping, he will be the only one who is soulmate-less and although asking Youngbae is good enough Daesung doesn’t have heart to separate Youngbae and his soul mate. Going to the café and spend the night with the boys seems a good plan, but meh, Daesung sighs.
“Going to the diner it is! There is a diner I know that is set like a bar where you can drink alcohol but they still serve foods for dinner or snacks! There’s even a mini stage for live performance!” Seungri suddenly announces the news and Daesung throws a death glare to him. “I mean, if you want,” the younger man quickly adds some more words to ease the glare. “Jiyongie Hyung and I will pay for your food and drinks, of course. I will ask Youngbae Hyung to join us, too. Maybe he could bring his model soul mate? Right, Jiyong Hyung?” Seungri raises his voice a little for Jiyong to hear and Daesung hears a loud yes from the kitchen.
Between the involuntarily silence between the three of them, Daesung is thinking about the idea going to a diner. Free foods and drinks tempt him, of course. As he sits on the chair and Jiyong set the table for the younger men, Daesung opens his mouth. “I think I will go with that idea. Promise me you will pay for all my drinks and foods?”
Seungri squeezes his arms, eyes set on Daesung’s. Sometimes, Daesung is bothered on how Seungri likes to touch him, but he learns to accept the younger man’s habit. “That’s what I meant! On April 26th, you will be a king for ONLY a day, Hyung. Jiyong Hyung and I will be your servants,” Seungri gives him a little bow, but Jiyong gives Seungri a smack on his head.
“Don’t promise Daesung such a thing! He tends to be a very irrational king if you give him power!” crossing his arms on his chest, Jiyong begins his rant. “He will use his power to abuse you and I, Kwon Jiyong, never agreed to be Kang Daesung’s slave! You remember that, Daesung-ah?” Jiyong points his fore finger at Daesung.
Daesung muffles a giggle then he flicks Seungri’s temple. “You promised me and you have agreed to be my slave!”
“Servaaaantt!” Seungri says while rubbing his temple. “That hurts, you know! AND! There is a difference between slave and servant!”
“Tell me.”
“Slave will do everything the king asks and servant…” Seungri pouts while thinking about the right words.
“…and servant will do everything the king asks them to do,” Daesung continues the unfinished sentence.
“OKAY!” Jiyong stops the younger men from another debate. “Seungri you promised him and Daesung do not abuse him! I will lend Seungri for a day and do not hurt my Panda!” the commanding tone got Daesung smiling. Sure he won’t do anything to Seungri as Jiyong treasure him so much. He just wants to mess with Seungri a little.
Come to think about it, with Jiyong and Seungri around him, for he doesn’t only have an older brother and younger brother, he feels like Seungri is his mischievous little brother. He doesn’t mind being a middle child if he has a set of brothers like them.
“Seungri, would you please take the blue napkin over the counter? I spilled some sauce on my white shirt,” Jiyong asks Seungri and the youngest between them runs quickly to the kitchen.
“There is no blue napkin, though? Only yellow and pink one?” Seungri says.
“The pink one will do. Hurry or it will stain my shirt.”
Daesung stares at the couple as his mind is full with the colors slipped out from Jiyong’s and Seungri’s mouth. He thinks about how convenience it is to point at the napkin without having to look it one by one and read the label attached on it. If it was Daesung who Jiyong asked to take the napkin for him, Daesung is sure that the sauce would dry on Jiyong’s shirt and the stain will forever be there.