Work Text:
Dear Jackson,
I bet you’re dead drunk at some unhealthy time in the early morning, trying to find me so I can take care of you like always. You’re going to see this, and probably crumple it or tear it up if you’re super drunk. If not, you’re going to be reading the letter.
I’m gone.
And you’re not going to ever see me again.
I’ve packed all my things while you were out late again. At this point, I stopped caring where you were going. I’m far away now, booked a plane ticket to a different country. I’ve had enough Jackson. There is no more happy moments in this broken relationship we have. I don’t even recognize the person I’m dating. It’s not you. It’s not Jackson. My Jackson wakes me up by pulling off the warm duvet we shared, smiling mischievously as he tickles my chin. You wake me up with a phone call to drive you home from a ‘friend’s house.’ My Jackson comes home hugging me, inhaling deeply and starts chattering with a plan to prank Bam again. You come home angry and yelling, throwing multiple objects in our shared apartment. I’ve really reached my limit, Jacks.
I had a dream. We were back to when we first met, back in high school, our senior year. I was aware we were foolish even back then, thinking we could stay the same all these years. And I was proved wrong for five years. Until we stopped seeing eye to eye somewhere along the lines. I don’t know if it was gradual, or if came all at once. Despite what you always thought, I can’t read you, Jackson. Not anymore. I wish we could have stayed young like that, madly in love and ready to conquer anything. But it’s over.
I’m not taking care of you anymore.
I’m not waking up to drive you in your drunken stupor.
I’m not loving you when you don’t any longer.
I’m taking all of the memories of us you’ve seemed to forget, the polaroids of the us that were still in love, everything that reminded me of the old you. It’s not like you wanted them anyways. Sometimes I forget we’re living together, always sleeping by myself, paying the bills by myself, coming home alone. You probably didn’t realize it since you’ve stopped hanging out with the guys altogether, but they’ve been urging me to break up with you, repeatedly telling me that our relationship wasn’t healthy. Jinyoung especially, always complaining about what you’ve become. But I always ignored them, and stayed. Because I love you. I thought if I stayed and was a good boyfriend, you’d realize your actions. Remember what we used to be. But you never did. So now I’m gone.
And you know why I decided that today was the day to leave, after all this time Jackson? I told myself that if you called today, just once, I would stay. You probably don’t know what day it is. I’ll enlighten you. It’s the day you crashed into me in the halls for the first time, with your baby face and shaggy hair. Which also happened to be my birthday. You even have a tattoo for it on you right wrist, when we first started dating. I told you it was stupid, but you ignored me, engraving my name and the day we met onto your body forever. I thought you would remember. You didn’t.
I can’t forget about you Jackson. I never will. You will always be my first everything. My first love, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first heartbreak.
Always, always, you.
I hope you find someone who changes you, makes you turn over a new leaf. Someone to walk with you in the early morning when you’re dead drunk, and someone who loves you as much as I did. Someone you love as much as they do.
Because it’s not going to be me.
I loved you,
Mark