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If people were shapes, Bon would be a line— simple, direct, untangled, limitless.
Renzou is a Celtic knot— circular in nature, turning in on itself endlessly without a start or end.
If people were shapes, Renzou would be made up of Bon.
In the end, everything comes back to Inari.
Before he had been ordered to capture Kamiki, he had been so sure.
He could throw away his chains, break free of them and fly away like he had always dreamed.
Mephisto had given him the map and the Illuminati had given him the key— he knew he was dancing along a precipice, but it hadn't mattered either way. He didn't want to die but he wasn't afraid of dying, and while he had no real allegiance to the Illuminati, they offered something that Myou Dha did not. Choice. Freedom.
Nothing in Kyoto was worth going back to.
He would play spy, double agent— triple, quadruple, quintuple— to his heart's content. Because this was the game, the grandest game, and there was no losing, only winning.
Heads, he had fun, freedom, and lost nothing; tails, he had fun, freedom, and died.
In the long run, he'd rather die than return to Myou Dha and its responsibilities.
He had nothing to lose.
When had Bon shouted his name was the first time that he questions himself. Still, he climbed into the helicopter, towards his new duty, one he chose for himself, and away from Bon.
He watched as his friends fought for their lives against monsters that could not die, no matter how much the poor souls yearned for death. He watched as Konekomaru was nearly eaten alive by an amalgamation of pain and suffering, as Shiemi was plucked from the floor by her leg, and he squashed down the fear, the anxiety. This would have all had happened whether or not he had been a part of the Illuminati, he knew— the organization was too large, too influential, too deep inside the True Cross Order for her kidnapping to have been prevented. He had no illusions— he knew what his job entailed, had known that walking down this path had meant forsaking friends, family, everyone he loved.
But he had known it'd be worth it, had known he could throw it all away.
That was why he was a perfect spy, after all.
None of them could have stood by and watched— not Bon, not Rin, not Konekomaru, not Shiemi, not even Izumo.
But he could. He could watch them die.
He could watch everyone die.
Watching Bon give the writhing mass of limbs and mouths its funeral rites had made him realize—
He could watch everyone die, even Bon, but he would never forgive himself if they did.
Bon's anguished cry, the desperation that seeped into the words, they were what made Renzou realize that there was something worth returning to, something that was worth more than anything else.
That day, when Bon asked him if it had been his fault, Renzou had been honest.
Renzou chose his path and there's no going back now, even if it means leaving behind what mattered the most.
He doesn't think Bon will ever understand. He knows Bon will never forgive him. Bon isn't made of secrets and lies, he doesn't understand the yearnings of another life, of another world. Bon has only ever lived in the sun, has only ever been loved and adored.
Still, as Renzou lies in his bed, in the dorm he shares with Bon and Konekomaru, he finds that it doesn't matter.
Bon can hate him, can distrust him, can revile him.
Renzou can live with anything as long as he lives on in Bon's heart, a mark that never fades.
According to Christian scripture, there are seven sins.
Bon would argue that Renzou's sin is sloth, Konekomaru would insist it lust, his father would correct them both and declare it pride.
The truth is that Renzou's greatest flaw is his envy.
He envies the freedom those born outside of Myou Dha have; he envies how they can choose their own path, how their blood is not a chain that ties them to what they can never run away from. As a child he imagined growing wings, of flying far, far, far away from where he is told he must protect a boy with his life, that he must live up to the memory of a brother he does not know. He dreams that, instead of stern words at his sloppy form, the grip on his khakkhara, faceless parents praise him on mastering a weapon at such a young age. Instead of a destiny protecting a lineage out of duty, he dreams of a life where everything he achieves is a small victory.
He envies Konekomaru who does not live under the burden of his family's expectations, of the ghost of Shima Takezou, of the name Shima. He envies Konekomaru, who even without a family, is beloved, both by the Shima family and the Suguro family.
He envies Rin, who chose the life of an exorcist and was not raised into it. Rin, who can declare just as proudly and earnestly as Bon that he will defeat Satan. Rin, who has never lived in anyone's shadow, even as he chases after Shiro's.
Rin, who after realizing his love for Bon, throws himself wholeheartedly into playing white knight and winning the princess's favor.
Rin had done what Renzou could never bring himself to do and had been honest with Bon.
He envies Bon, who embraced the role Myou Dha gave him, who strove to meet their expectations and exceed it, who built his dream around their plans for him. How they chafed, the weight of his responsibilities, how he resented them— how he resented Bon— only to watch as the other boy thrived under it while he suffocated.
Shima Renzou has lived with envy his entire life.
He does not know how to live without it.
He does not know of a love without it.
Konekomaru would be a right angle— plain and unremarkable, but reliable and sturdy.
Renzou knows that, without him, the two of them would have fallen apart long before they reached the True Cross Academy.
Bon can't look at him.
Bon, who knows etiquette as well as anyone reared by an owner of a traditional ryokan has to, cannot look at Renzou when they have meals in their room now. Even when he speaks to Renzou, he cannot life his eyes from his bowl. Never in his life has he seen Bon scowl into his bowl while asking Renzou to pass him the ponzu sauce.
And Bon knows it, he knows he's being immature and petty, and that only causes him to implode further, spiraling into himself with indignation and frustration.
Renzou can't help but be amused.
Bon, always so serious.
He wants to lean over the table and press a finger against the deep ridges of the other boy's furrowed brow, to tease him for being ridiculous. He wants to needle and prod Bon until he explodes, because at least then Bon would look at him— when had he started craving the other boy's attention? Maybe he had always craved it and it wasn't until he lost it that the hunger wriggled its way into his consciousness.
"Rude, Bon, so rude~ You should look at the person you are talking to~" He holds up the ponzu sauce tantalizingly, swinging it to and fro just so Bon would look up at outrage about condiments being treated inappropriately at a dinner table.
Instead, Bon just sets his bowl and chopsticks down and excuses himself from the table.
Renzou watches Bon on his bed, curled on his side, facing away from the Renzou and the dinner table, reading a book.
In this small, cramped dorm room with three people in it, Renzou has never felt more alone.
"Shima-san," Konekomaru says softly, "could you pass me the ponzu sauce?"
"Of course Koneko~" Renzou sings happily, passing it with more cheer than he actually feels.
Konekomaru refills his own sauce plate before quietly doing so for Bon's abandoned one as well.
Later, after Renzou exits the shower, he finds Bon's dishes empty and Konekomaru clearing up the table.
Renzou doesn't know a life without Suguro Ryuuji.
His entire life, he has been by Bon's side because of blood, birth, and duty. He has been raised with Bon, educated with Bon, trained with Bon, taught to be devoted to Bon.
He has spent his life resenting Bon, for his existence which dictated Renzou’s fate.
Bon.
Pure, selfish, hard-headed Bon.
No one knows Bon better than Renzou.
Bon pushes himself beyond his limits, sets impossible standards for himself, expects miracles from himself because he loves them— because he loves his family, Myou Dha, and he wants to give them everything. He wants them to be loved and well-respected like they once were; he wants to give them the world.
Bon, like the sun, tries to pull everyone into his orbit.
He tries to make everyone's problems his own.
Bon is what Myou Dha made him.
Bon sits by his bedside, hunched over himself, his elbows braced against his knees as he looks at the floor. There are dark circles under his eyes, and he looks so distraught that even his panda joke rings hollow in Renzou's own ears.
"It wasn't a lie," Bon says to his feet. "That demon doesn't tell lies."
Renzou leans back into the pillows at his back, looks forlornly at the mostly-empty tupperware that held Rin's apology cookies and wishes he could eat them, if only to have something to distract him from the guilt that was gnawing at his innards like one of Gedouin's creations.
"Nope," he says, popping the p. There's no point in softening the blow, not with Bon.
Bon doesn't say anything for awhile, and Renzou is forced to marinate in the silence and his own guilt until the other boy finally moves.
"So it was my fault," Bon says finally, running a hand through his hair, laughing.
And that's the biggest punch to the gut—
—not the confession he made while possessed, not the way he had sidled up to him and professed his love for Bon in the same breath he had used to declare his hatred for Bon, his family, Myou Dha—
—it's the way Bon laughs now, self-deprecating, filled with self-loathing.
"Look, it's not as simple as the demon made it sound— it's.... it's all sort of," he sighs, tries to recollect his thoughts, tries to figure out a way to order words that would make sense to Bon, that wouldn't just make everything a bigger mess than it already was.
Bon just shakes his head as he gets up, his voice thick as he says, "It doesn't matter, Shima. It's my fault." He looks away from Renzou and out the hospital window, as if the horizon held answers that Renzou cannot give. "I've been pushing and pushing and— Konekomaru's right, I can't push you all into... into being friends or family. I can't push you out of being a spy or into returning to Myou Dha... or even leaving the Illuminati." Bon looks at him and Renzou realizes his eyes are just a bit wet and something warm and selfish unfurls in his chest, because Bon didn't cry when his father was wounded and dying while the Impure King ran rampant, but Renzou, he's struggling not to cry over him. It's unfair and cruel, the happiness he feels about the unshed tears in Bon's eyes, the way the other boy looks unmade and broken by the truths Renzou had cruelly thrown at him while possessed.
Renzou can't bring himself to say anything.
"Shima— Renzou, I..." Bon lingers at the doorway, struggling with words he can't seem to figure out how to say. "I'll change. I will. I'm sorry.
"Renzou... I won't stop trying to rebuild Myou Dha, I can't. But it isn't for me, and it isn't for Myou Dha; it's so everyone has a place to come home to." Finally, Bon stops looking at his feet and meets Renzou's eyes. He squares his shoulders, straightens his spine as he takes a steadying breath, hand braced against the door frame. "So come home whenever you want. I'll always wait for you."
With that, Bon swiftly spins on his heel and stalks out the door, carefully shutting the door behind him.
It's as if all the air in the room had left the room with Bon— for a few minutes, Renzou can't breathe.
The place Renzou has always longed for, a place for him, has always been with Bon.
Bon is home. Bon loves him.
Renzou will always be in Bon's heart.
Bon isn't a liar like Renzou.
Shiemi would be circle fractals— its beginnings are simple, but as it grows and expands, so does its beauty, until it encompasses everything, unearthly in its simplicity, in its entirety.
Renzou often finds himself in awe of her, in the kindness that suffuses her and how it is her strength.
Shiemi has lunch with him while he is in the hospital.
Her smiles could stop wars, he thinks as she watches her talk about the classes he's missing, her hands doing as much talking as she is as they flutter like butterflies in flight. Shiemi is almost defined by her smiles; Renzou can count on his hands the number of times he has seen her without one.
"I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful girl visit me every day! And with lunch!" Renzou tries his best to swallow his mouthful of sprouts and bread without choking— it wouldn't do, after all, to pepper a specimen of loveliness with half-chewed spittle of vegetation. "How've you been? How is the shop?"
"I've been well!" Shiemi tilts her head in consideration. "Rin is well, too! He's been worried about Yuki-kun, though." She frowns, her mouth pursing together in the way it does when she chews on the inside of her mouth. "I have been too..." Renzou bites his tongue— these secrets aren't his to tell, even if he should. She tilts her head to one side, hands that fidgeting in her lap as she says slowly, "I saw Suguro-kun yesterday. He came in for more ammunition. He seemed... troubled."
"Don't worry about him, Shiemi-san. Bon's a worry-wart, you know that. Just give him time and he'll get over what's bothering him." Renzou tries to fight down the surge of joy when he remembers Bon's words. "Besides, he's got me!" He grins, it's irrepressible, and he can't fight it even if he wanted to.
It's irresponsible, promising to be there for Bon. It’s stupid. It's impossible.
Shiemi just smiles at him gently. "I know, Shima-kun. We've all got each other."
She squeezes his hand gently as if she knows all his secrets and accepts him for what he is, twisted, envious, treacherous, lying creature that he is.
Whenever he's with Shiemi, Renzou feels like he can be better than he is.
Rin would be a circle— incomplete until finished, filled with endless possibilities and potential.
Renzou remembers Bon once telling him that everything in the world, with its limitless possibilities and uncertainties, is contained in a circle; in pi.
Between reporting to the Illuminati and Mephisto, missions for the Order, and trying to mend burnt bridges, Renzou discovers that he and Rin have become something different, something more than what they used to be.
"Friends and rivals in love," he says into his can of soda, breathless with laughter. "What are we? Two lovelorn souls sitting on a rooftop, bonding over impossible love?"
Rin looks at him, determination in the line of his body, in the tilt of his smile. "I'm not like you. I haven't given up."
Giving up.
Is that what he's doing?
"I'm the black knight," he reminds Rin. "You have rules to follow, I don't. That's the boon of being a spy, you see. I don't follow the rules— I bend them to suit me." The stars are bright tonight, the cloudless sky seemingly endless. He loves nights like this, where the world seems tiny, insignificant, and he— so close to the stars— feels like he can capture those faraway lights if he just reached out for them. "Giving up, not giving up— that's not what this is for me."
"Then what is Bon to you? Now that you aren't mind-controlled by green-eyed demons," Rin says cheekily, fangs glinting as he grins.
Rin is easy to talk to, comfortable, a kindred spirit. That's what makes him dangerous, Renzou knows, Rin makes it easy to share secrets and Renzou is nothing but secrets tied into delicate knots with one another until they take another form. Rin picks at them, guileless and genuine. He's not a creature of the shadows despite his parentage.
Shiemi had said Rin's flames were warm, kind.
That's the problem, Renzou thinks. Because Rin is like Bon.
Straight and true.
And Renzou—
Renzou is anything but.
"Bon," he says lightly, eyes tracing constellations as he stretches out against the roof, "is Bon."
Rin doesn't dream of a perfect life together with Bon, but he hopes for a day Bon will accept his love. He strives for a day when they can build a life together. Rin believes in a day where he will hold Bon's hand and he will smile at Rin, softly squeezing his hand back.
Renzou doesn't dare have these hopes and dreams.
His biggest wish has already been granted— Bon will always wait for him; he will forever exist within Bon's heart.
That is the biggest difference between the two of them. Renzou plays every angle, he plays the probabilities, he hedges his bets, he doesn't take his chances on a miracle.
Rin does. He believes in the impossible; he believes he can defeat Satan, he believes he can win the heart of the princess.
And maybe that's what makes a knight a white knight and not a black knight.
Kamiki would be a star— its lines crossing over itself endlessly until it became whole, incomplete until the end met the beginning, giving birth to itself.
Renzou finds her beautiful and familiar, enchanting in a way he is not.
Kamiki still looks at him like he is scum, but there is something familiar in her eyes now, something achingly intimate.
Understanding.
They had been outsiders looking in, playing their part, a part of but removed from everyone else in the cram class— now they are both unmasked for everyone to see.
He had liked her from the beginning, he had sensed her for what he was— both of them dressed themselves in their secrets. She wore them like armor protecting her from a past she could not flee from; he wore his for a future he yearned for. Her armor was her own weakness, a flaw in its design, a flimsy protection in truth.
He loves her for it; he has never felt closer to a person before her.
She looks at him and sees him— a boy running towards or away from something, he can never be sure.
He looks at her and sees her— a girl who cannot outrun her past no matter how hard she tries.
Her past has caught up with her, and with it, she has lost her armor and he has lost some of his, but they are kindred spirits.
Kamiki will never forgive him, she will never hesitate to cut him down if he threatens this new family she has now.
Still, he loves her more for it, for the strength she found in her own abyss.
"You and Rin both," she says derisively, rolling her eyes, because she is like him; she doesn't just look, she sees.
"Yeah, me and Rin," he says laughing, allowing his eyes to follow Bon and the way he tilts his head back just the slightest as he lets out a laugh, full and loud and unrestrained.
They're alike, he and Kamiki, similar in the ways they differ.
She is so beautiful his heart aches.
Bon falls in love easily, as quickly as the sakura fall after they bloom.
Renzou doesn't remember when Bon fell in love with Juuzou, just remembers the the sight of Bon, round-cheeked and bright-eyed, with a fistful of fresh cucumber looking up at his older brother with simple adoration. He remembers Bon's chubby legs straining to keep up with Juuzou, his childish, high-pitched laughter as he ran after the older boy.
Bon idolized his father. Bon admired Juuzou.
Years before the fat melted from Renzou's own cheeks, he had known the line between admiration and love were blurry for Bon.
It had been funny, a secret he carefully guarded within himself— a joke only he knew.
Now, as he watches Bon— older, wiser, taller, broader— chasing after Lightning, a flush high on his cheekbones, it isn't funny.
"I've fallen for him."
Couldn't you have lied? Just to yourself? Renzou watches Bon's back as he gets farther and farther away, bile sour and bitter in the back of his throat. Of all people, why Lightning?
Lightning is Rorschach blots— changing, fluid, misleading, unknowable.
Renzou can't stand the idea of stains blurring the crisp, beautiful edge of Bon's line.
Lightning smiles like he knows all the secrets and every secret is a joke he will never share.
Lightning calls Bon "Ryuuji" as he cheerfully leads the boy astray, down paths so dark not even Renzou has access to.
Lightning will get Bon killed, or worse.
Bon might change.
Bon had changed for Juuzou, had decided to become the kaname the older boy had told him he was.
Bon, simple, straightforward Bon who falls in love so easily and without question.
He falls in love like snow melts in the spring, as if it were inevitable. He molds himself for those he loves, because he has never truly grown up from that little boy who liked to show off how easily he memorized sutras, looking for praise, recognition. If Lightning tells him to become someone other than he is, Renzou is convinced that Bon will do that, just like Bon has for him, Konekomaru, and the rest of Myou Dha.
Bon returns to the dorm one night after helping Lightning unusually withdrawn and distant. After glancing at Konekomaru and catching the other boy worriedly staring at Bon's hunched form, Renzou finally gives into the apprehension that had been plaguing him since he had seen Bon with Lightning outside the Order's secret library.
"Bon." Bon doesn't move from where he sits on his bed, curled forward, arms crossed, chin tucked in. "Bon," Renzou tries again, making his way to Bon's bed. "Bon."
Finally, Bon responds. "Yeah, Shima?"
Bon is still pensive, eyes staring unseeing at the floor before him. Renzou stops before Bon, places both hands firmly on Bon's shoulders, and says, "Bon, if this thing with Lightning is messing with you, you oughtta stop. All the knowledge and power in the world isn't worth whatever this is doing to you."
Beneath his hands, Bon's shoulders stiffen. When Bon finally speaks again, his words are stiff, "I'm fine, Shima."
"You're not, Bon," Konekomaru says from behind Renzou. He takes a breath before continuing, "At first, it was okay, you know. You looked after him but you still came back..."
You.
Renzou's grip tightens, "Look, Bon— I know. I know..."
What would be the right way to word this?
"We know you admire Lightning a lot. We know you think you can learn a lot from him, and that... You tend to..." Renzou looks to Konekomaru for support. The smaller boy just shakes his head after awhile and looks back at him, apparently unaware of any way to word the situation delicately as well. "Uh, go above and beyond what the situation calls for when...it...involves..."
The look on Bon's face when he finally looks up at Renzou— uncomprehending, before something akin to surprise flickers across his face— causes him to relax. Unfortunately, the next heartbeat is when, enraged, Bon shoves him onto the floor, face a perfect picture of fury as he exclaims, "Really? Do you still think I'm six and chasing after Juuzou, confusing admiration with love?" Bon stands up, scowling, looking from Renzou to Konekomaru. "Do you really think I am so stupid? So naive?"
Renzou stares from his place on the floor, mouth flapping soundlessly. He turns to look at Konekomaru who looks properly chastised, smiling awkwardly as he says, "Sorry, Bon... You've just... We've been worried."
Bon seems to deflate at Konekomaru's words.
"No, it's my fault too..." Bon frowns at the floor once again. It's the look he always gets when he's thinking hard, when there's something important on his mind and he's on the verge of making a rash decision.
For once, Renzou hopes he'll make it, that Bon will snap and tell them everything.
But Bon just looks up from the floor and at Renzou for several long seconds before sighing, running a hand through his hair and settling back down on the bed. "I can't say it's nothing. It's not." He looks at them and gives them a small, strained smile. "I never thought there'd be a day when I couldn't tell you guys everything..."
It hits Renzou hard, then, how much he despises Lightning for the changes he's causing in Bon.
The smile melts into something like a grimace as Bon continues, "And this isn't something that can stay a secret forever... But I can't right now. When the time comes, I'll tell you."
"Bon..."
Konekomaru looks as if he'll protest, but after a moment he seems to change his mind. "We're here for you, always," he says instead. He smiles, just as brittle as Bon had.
"I know," Bon says, smile finally something familiar, real and true. "I am, too."
Renzou hates Lightning, he decides as he looks takes in all the subtle tells of wear and tear on Bon's features, the slightly hunted and haunted look that has slowly started to become common on his friend's face. He hates Lightning more than anything he ever has in his life, including Myou Dha.
At night, if the moon is bright enough and the stars aren't hidden behind clouds, Renzou can see Bon from his own bed. He can see the rise and fall of Bon's chest, can hear the soft breaths of both Bon and Konekomaru as they sleep.
Tonight, he sees Bon flat on his back, eerily still, late into the night.
Whatever Lightning has been doing, whatever he has been dragging Bon into, it has gone too far, Renzou thinks as Bon spends another sleepless night staring at their ceiling.
Renzou turns over, tries to still the maelstrom of emotion cluttering his mind as he wills himself to sleep.
He thinks he hears Bon murmur "Okumura" before he falls asleep.
"What would you do if saving someone meant making them hate you forever?"
Rin looks at him strangely, as if he can't understand why Renzou would be asking such a strange question. Maybe he can't— they both know Renzou would do it in a heartbeat, that Renzou is fine with being hated.
Still, Rin ruminates over Renzou's question for awhile before saying, "I'd do it." He meets Renzou's eyes and repeats himself slowly, confident and sure. "I'd do it. I'd rather they live and hate me than die still loving me." Rin falls flat onto his back, spread eagled, looking up at the night sky. "But I'd rather they didn't, you know? I'd try explaining everything to them, afterwards." He laughs, a sudden snort of exasperated fondness as he says, "Although, if it's Suguro, he'd probably deck me, no matter what."
"Yeah," Renzou agrees, leaning forward, resting his chin on his hand. "He would, wouldn't he?"
"He doesn't like being reminded he's a princess."
"No, he doesn't."
White knights and black knights are both the same in the end, he realizes as he stretches out beside Rin, gazing at the night sky.
He closes his eyes.
"And what will you do if you never win the princess's love?"
Rin laughs.
"That's simple. I'll still love him."
"Yeah," Renzou says softly, smiling. "That's what knights do."
Maybe Lightning's dark blots will mar the perfect, crisp edges of Bon's line; maybe his shape will change and evolve into something different, something less defined, less definite.
No matter what new form Bon will take, Renzou is convinced he will still be made up of Bon.
After all,
Bon is home, friend, family, and love.