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When Negan hears a knock on the door, his immediate reaction is to grab a knife and get ready to kill whoever is on the other side. He scowls at it, expecting someone to burst into the house he’s cleaned of walkers and made secure with his own effort and sweat, more than ready to defend it and himself to death. The people he left back on Alexandria a month ago don’t have the fondest memory of him, after all, and he’s been ready for something like this to happen ever since.
The only thing that comes is another knock, though. Negan eyes the door carefully, approaches silently, looks through the peephole, and then his eyes go wide as he takes a disbelieving step back. He immediately opens the door.
At the other side, with a stoic expression that doesn’t really hide the tiredness and disappointment, stands Rick motherfucking Grimes, cane in his hand and bag on his back.
Negan blinks a few times. Lots of questions roll around in his head.
“How the fuck did you find me?” is the one that finally pops out of his mouth. “I mean, I know I’m magnetic as all fuck, but I doubt you followed your dick magnet’s indications to come home to papa.”
His words have the effect of making Rick’s face morph into his trademark ‘I’m so done with you from the get go’ scowl, but immediately it turns back into what it was before, with the exception of an eyeroll that somehow conveys annoyed fondness. Rick lets himself in and Negan automatically moves aside to let him.
“Dwight tried to kill me. I can’t be in Alexandria anymore.”
Negan’s eyes widen comically for the second time in a minute, and follows Rick after shutting the door. Rick has made his way to the closest seat and dropped on it, leaving the two single things he came with on the floor. He looks somber, unwilling to touch the matter again.
Negan’s still trying to understand what Rick has said, trying to make sense of it because it’s just such a completely ridiculous thought, but then he’s seeing everything clear. Fucking ungrateful prick that’ll throw away everything Rick’s built over a bitch that never wanted him. They were truly made for each other.
“I’ll kill him” Negan snarls, feral and almost shaking with anger. “Fucking beat him down until he’s just a disgusting pile of blood and flesh that not even the dead will take a shit on. Spear him through from mouth to ass and roast him up with a fucking apple on his mouth like the little petty pig he is.”
“Negan” Rick calls, interrupting his flow of thought. Negan looks at him and sees a stern look, and even though he’s the able-bodied one out of the two of them, the one that has any chance of winning a fight, Negan feels like a child recoiling in fear after having done a particularly nasty thing and hoping his parents won’t be too harsh with the punishment.
“You won’t kill anyone.” It’s an order, and he won’t accept any argument.
Negan huffs and rolls his eyes as he makes his way to the couch and falls on it. Just how goddamned good can Rick be? If Negan had done everything Rick had, Dwight could dare to do as much as scoff in his face and he’d be turned inside out. Then again, Negan hasn’t done any of what Rick has done.
And then again, that’s the kind of thing that makes Rick an example to be followed and not Negan.
“Alright, alright! Calm your fucking tits, you goddamn example of saintly rectitude! Jesus. I mean, if you’re not here to throw your loyal, lethal as all motherfucking hell guardian dog on the little shit, then what are you bothering me the fuck for?”
There’s a pause. Negan watches as Rick stares into his eyes, as if he was about to piss on his wife’s grave - his wives’ graves , Negan remembers as he feels a whole new wave of sympathy for Rick - and Negan was the one to force him to do it.
“I need you to let me stay with you” he finally spits out, as if the words were a physical presence that had to fight their way out of his throat and were killing him in the process.
Negan blinks. One time. Two times. Three times. Then a wide grin rises up on his face.
“Excuse the fuck out of me? ”
His voice is full of mockery, amusement, and delight. He watches as Rick’s fury peaks up before he sags and just rubs his brow tiredly.
“I can’t stay in Alexandria. I don’t want to go to the Hilltop or the Kingdom, either. I’m just… I’m tired, Negan. I need to rest. Taking care of people was never something I wanted. I don’t know if I’m gonna go back, sort this out, but for now I need to stay away.”
Negan lets his act and show drop, and for once takes on Rick’s words without making fun of them. He eyes Rick carefully, doubtfully.
“Why did you choose to come to me? I’m sure you have other options.”
Once again, it looks like Rick’s words are painful to get out. The man twists his lips, looks away, and sulks a little before speaking. Negan expects something hateful that will pierce him right on the fondness and admiration for Rick he’s developed over time.
“You’re not that bad. And I know you won’t kill me in my sleep” he hears instead.
Negan feels a much softer smile crawl its way to his face. He feels sort of giggly inside.
“Well, damn Rick. You’re gonna make me blush like a schoolgirl.”
“So are you gonna tell me how you found me or are you not?”
Negan’s nailing down wood boards on the windows of the upper floor. In the month he’s stayed here he’s done that on the lower floor for standard protection, and considered the area deserted enough that he didn’t need to worry about people attacking him so the upper windows stayed as he found them. With Rick Grimes here, though, he can never be too safe. The man has a tendency to be unlucky enough to draw disasters to him. Negan, for example.
Rick bites down on an apple as he idly watches Negan work. “I had Michonne follow you.”
Negan quirks an eyebrow at Rick over his shoulder. The hammer misses the nail, far too close to Negan’s thumb for his liking, so he decides having his eyes on the tool is a potentially good idea.
“What, you knew you’d miss me, didn’t you? Not that I blame you, I’ve been charming my way into your heart like the fucking smooth handsome bastard I am, of fucking course the thought of me being out of the reach of your cute little hook makes your heart ache like a motherfucker.”
“It’s never a bad idea to know where the unstable madman is” Rick cuts him, dry and unamused, and Negan can feel the glare drilling on his nape. Negan laughs heartily, as if Rick had gone along with his joke.
“By unstable madman mean the guy you go to advice for and that saves your ass when everyone else is too busy peeing and shitting their pants to notice that holy shit, the man that’s given us everything and keeps this all together is falling behind and about to be zombie meal? You mean that kind of unstable madman?”
Rick doesn’t answer. Negan can feel his stare intensifying, if that were possible.
“You know, Ricky, my dude, if you want to drill me it’s more fun if you use your dick rather than your eyes. Just saying.”
Negan doesn’t think he’ll get a reply out of Rick at this point, so he starts humming to himself as he continues working, but then, to his surprise, Rick interrupts him.
“I wanted to make sure you made it here safe” he mutters. He bites into the apple as if that’ll somehow invalidate his words. “From the dead and from anything else. I wanted to know I could find you, if I needed to. And I did.”
“You wanted to make sure that I was safe” Negan repeats, mouth agape. Rick grunts and continues chewing furiously into his fruit. Negan doesn’t need the answer, though, and a wide grin starts forming on his face. Rick sees it and turns slightly, so as not to face the other man.
“You’re warming my motherfucking heart.”
“So what did Dwight want to kill you for?”
Negan is pretty much sure it was because the idiot’s still hung up on Sherry, but making sure never hurts; the fucker might surprise him. All windows are covered on both floors now, so Negan proceeds with his simple life of not worrying about anything but making sure the dead stay away and not starving. Except now he’s got to make sure Rick doesn’t starve, too. The extra responsibility doesn’t bother him as much as it could.
Rick’s been with him for two days now, and they’ve had exactly two conversations; when he came in, and when Negan asked him about how he had found him. Both were started by Negan. The rest of the time he’s lucky if he gets Rick to mutter a feeble ‘thank you’ when Negan hands him some food or helps him in any way. Again, Negan finds that he doesn’t mind as much as he could, even if he knows Rick would deny his claims that he’s fonder of the ‘unstable madman’ than he’d care to admit.
He waits, wondering if this attempt at conversation will end up in failure too. It looks like it will, after a full minute, so Negan shrugs it off and goes back to one the books he found in the neighborhood - weird things, what he ends up doing when he has no wives to fuck and a company that won’t appreciate watching him masturbating. Just as he sets his eyes on the page, Rick speaks.
“He said I’m not fit to be a leader anymore. He thinks he’ll do a better job, and when I didn’t let him take my place, he tried to get me out of the picture.”
Rick is, as usual, not looking at Negan’s direction, and therefore he misses the deep, completely bewildered scowl on his face. Negan tries repeating it to himself: Dwight thought Rick’s not a good leader. Dwight thought he’d be a better leader . No, it still sounds like total bullshit.
“... What the hell was that you just said?”
“Dwight thought that-”
“Don’t be a smartass with me, you know what I mean. Just… What ?”
Rick shrugs in a manner of ‘I know, right?’ which might have been the friendliest and most casual gesture he has ever shown Negan. Negan doesn’t ponder on it, though, and instead still tries to wrap his head around the idea. And keep his anger in check.
Because yes, Negan is very, very, very angry right now. He admires Rick. He , of all people, has come to understand that Rick is someone to admire, an example, the one who’s been able to make all these people work together and truly move forward. They all owe everything to Rick. He thought everyone had enough brainpower to reach the same conclusion.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go and kill him? Because Jesus fuck, he’s begging to be filled with some sweet justice right now. Fucking messy and bloody justice. Damn, how can he be so incredibly fuckingly stupid?”
“I’m sure, Negan. I’m gone already, and we’re not gonna make anything better if you go in there and get yourself killed in the process of trying to be a damn knight in shining armor.”
“Are you saying you’re concerned about my safety, my dearest Rick?”
Negan’s words are teasing, and he’s pretty convinced he’s gonna be met with Rick’s version of flipping him off. Instead, Rick shrugs easily, as if it was nothing major. He pats his leg giving Negan a pointed look.
“Someone happened to fuck this over, and now I kind of need some help from time to time. You happen to be nearby, don’t read too much into it.”
Negan brushes off the rush of guilt that invades him for a second. That’s in the past and there it shall remain. Maybe that’s bullshit he feeds himself, but there he has the proof: Rick talking about it without any heat in his words.
“And what if Dwight decides he’s gonna kill you even if you’re not there anymore? You gonna risk that?”
Rick shakes his head. “Only Michonne knows I’m here. I told her not to tell anyone but me where you were, and when I needed to come here she was the one to take me, she made sure no one could follow us. Dwight would have to torture it out of her, and we both know how it’d end up for him if he tried.”
Not that Negan is too familiar with Michonne, but he knows that’d be something worth giving up fucking one or two hot women for. Quite a spectacle indeed. But he decides to bring something else to Rick’s attention.
“All that prison time might have fucked my communications skills more than I thought and I’ve been making a goddamn fool out of myself this whole time without realizing it, but if that isn’t the case, well fuck me sideways, Grimes, did you just say only one person knows you’re here?” Rick nods. “One person who won’t tell any living soul?” Another nod. “Wow. Fuck, Rick. Not that I’m saying Michonne’s fucking stupid, but that means you’re more or less at my goddamn mercy. Doesn’t that make you feel like shitting your pants? Because you didn’t wipe my ass a single time those years and I sure as all hell am not doing it for you.”
Rick rolls his eyes. He doesn’t grace Negan’s words with an answer.
“Don’t get fucking shy now, baby. Are you saying you trust me? Wow, that’s fucking heavy. And sexy.”
“I already told you, I know you won’t kill me, and I know you won’t harm me either.”
“I know that, but fuck damn, you get it’s kinda hard to understand, right?”
Rick mutters something. Negan doesn’t press, but he thinks it’s something along the lines of ‘believe me, I know’.
One of Negan’s plans for the future was eventually leaving this place. He’d go back home - he’s pretty confident he’d be able to get there without major problems - and find his way back to the hospital. Yes, that hospital from his nightmares. He can still remember which room was Lucille’s, where whatever is left of her body remains. His confession to Rick about her when they were in that house, along the demise of his dear bat, have put the thought back in his head and won’t let him forget about it. He could try to give her somewhere more proper to rest than a cold floor, and then, who knows, he might be able to secure the hospital. He’s got a lot of time, after all.
He can’t do that now, though. Rick won’t admit it more than superficially, but he needs Negan to be there for him.
He’s in the yard, where he put Lucille’s wooden form to rest after digging her out, needing to have her as close as he could. It’s a poor replacement of the woman he loved, but it’s enough for him. His eyes are fixed on the earth under which she lies.
He sits down, lets his fingers lay over the ground and dig a bit into it.
“I promise I’ll come for you, baby. I just can’t do it right now. I’m making up for all the shit I’ve been doing all these years. Fuck, you’d probably kill me, giving your name to something I used to kill people. Maybe I’m an unstable madman after all.” Negan chuckles mirthlessly. He glances to the house, where Rick stays, ignorant to what Negan is up to.
Maybe Rick will eventually go back to Alexandria, or he will be able to stay somewhere else while Negan goes for Lucille. Or maybe, in the most hopeful part of himself, he thinks that he and Rick could leave this place together and follow his original plan of settling somewhere else. Eventually, he knows they could.
“I will go as soon as I can” he repeats softly. “I’m sure you understand.”
Negan isn’t sure when it happened, but he realizes how comfortable Rick has grown in his presence the moment he notices he has nodded off, after crashing down on the couch tired from going hunting animals, and suddenly he’s resting his head on Rick’s shoulder.
Rick hasn’t told him to move away. He just keeps going through his book - the collection grows bigger and bigger with every run Negan makes - as if Negan’s touch didn’t bother him.
It’s ridiculous, but Negan’s heart starts running and jumping inside his chest, as if it’d been fed all the caffeine left in the world.
Negan’s never allowed himself to think about the exact nature of the affection he holds for Rick. For starters because any affection towards Rick wouldn’t be returned, and then because what the hell does it matter? He cares about Rick, and in this world that’s all that matters. Sure, the abundance of sexual metaphors he uses on their conversations give away an appreciation of Rick’s aesthetic, only that Negan’s mind puts it in much cruder, much dirtier terms. The point is, that until this moment, Negan hasn’t wondered what exactly he seeks from Rick other than approval.
He finds himself thinking that, while the thought of kissing Rick is certainly an attractive one which he’d love to indulge someday, when Rick isn’t still healing from the loss of Andrea even if Negan isn’t all that sure that day will ever come, deep down all he wants is for Rick not to ditch him the first chance he gets.
Negan grunts as he stands up straight. The sudden movement startles Rick, who gives him a curious glance. Rick’s eyes on Negan haven’t been angry or irritated for a while.
“What is it, Negan?”
Negan points his finger at Rick, almost accusing.
“Mister Perfect, you’re gonna make up your mind about this whole thing right now.”
“... Excuse me?”
“You… Fuck. Listen to me. I’m starting to get used to having you around without the stink-eye, and I’m not a fucking love martyr.” Hopefully Rick will read that as one of Negan’s many colourful metaphors. “If you’re planning on getting back up on your fucking immaculate high horse eventually, fucking tell me now.”
Negan huffs, watching as Rick’s startled, surprised expression morphs into something a tad softer. Kinda irritated, but in a fond way. Almost begrudgingly amused.
Negan doesn’t expect Rick to reach out, grab his hand, and pull him back into the couch as if nothing had happened.
“I know saying nonsense is your goal in life, but leave it for a while, will you?”
He hasn’t really answered Negan’s question. But he hasn’t ignored it either, because his hand stays atop of Negan’s on the couch. Negan swallows thickly as he looks at their joined hands, carefully turns his up, and Rick finishes the action by interweaving their fingers.
Negan should be relieved and happy for Rick. Instead, he finds himself having to stop himself from snarling as he watches Michonne talk to Rick in his - their - living room. He is the one who’s been with him for almost two months, and now he’s the one who has to watch from the doorstep as the others talk.
“I let him have enough authority to let him see he can’t do it, but not enough that he could fuck things up too bad. Honestly, I was hoping that we’d overthrow him after they saw how unfit for this he is, but turns out he can see it for himself. He doesn’t want to be the leader anymore.”
Rick raises a skeptical eyebrow. “And he wants me to come back?”
Michonne nods.
Negan grits his teeth. He can see the pensive look on Rick’s face. He can’t believe Rick’s going to go back to fix the mess Dwight’s gotten himself into. They don’t deserve Rick; he should let them dig themselves into their grave and then spit at them from the top.
But that’s not the kind of man Rick is; that’s the kind of man Negan is. Negan knows what’s gonna happen; Rick’s going to do what Negan feared he was going to do and leave him behind. He’s gonna go back to Alexandria and Negan’s still enemy number one over there, so he’s gonna have to say goodbye.
Alright. Cool. Over this time he’s managed to earn Rick Grimes’ fondness and - dare he say? - friendship. The man that turned him into a better man has finally, directly acknowledged Negan’s change of heart. It should be more than enough, but Negan’s not that good; he’s selfish, and it hurts.
And then is when Rick Grimes does that thing where he defies everyone’s expectations.
“No” he muses, shaking his head. “I’m not coming back, I’m tired of it. He wanted me gone, he’s gonna have to deal with me being gone.”
Michonne is every bit as surprised as Negan is. “Rick, what are you saying?”
Rick points at Negan, the smile on his face meant for him even if he looks back at Michonne one second later. “Negan’s good enough company. I like it here so I’m gonna stay. Believe it or not, being here with him is the most peaceful and relaxed I’ve been in years. Don’t you think I’ve earned a retirement?”
Michonne, ever the one to keep her cool, doesn’t take long to recompose herself. She clears her throat, eyes Negan with some bewilderment, and puts her concerned eyes back on Rick.
“I can’t say I don’t understand it, and you’re within your right to do it if that’s what you want. But Alexandria’s gonna fall apart without a good leadership, and with it everything else we’ve built.”
“You said it: A good leadership” Rick replies, voice cheery and loud. He puts his hand on his thigh as he leans forward, kind smile on his face. “Good leadership, not my leadership. Maggie’s doing a good job at the Hilltop and she’s not me. The Kingdom’s under control so you don’t have to go there anymore. If there’s someone I’d trust Alexandria with, it’s you.”
There is more to the conversation, Negan knows. Something about Michonne being unsure and Rick assuring her she can do a good job. But truth be told, Negan can’t make himself listen anymore. He’s too deep in thought to process the words.
Rick chose staying with him over going back to Alexandria.
He can only define what he’s feeling as fireworks in his soul.
He isn’t sure how long he’s zoned out, but by the time he comes back to himself he sees Michonne and Rick looking at each other from opposite sides of the door, smiles on their faces. They dissolve into one more hug before they part ways.
“Carl’s been worried about you. I don’t care about your secrecy, I’m telling him where you’re hidden. Be ready for his visit any time.”
Rick laughs. “Tell him he’ll have to face my anger if he doesn’t!”
And then it’s just the two of them again. Rick’s going back to the living room, but he notices that Negan’s staring dumbfounded at him. He stops in front of the larger man and tilts his head, amused glitter in his eyes.
“Something on your mind?”
“Why?” is all Negan can make himself muster.
Rick grins and there’s no teasing in his expression now. He puts his hand on Negan’s shoulder and squeezes. Negan shivers in the most pleasant way.
“Because being here, with you... It’s good. I don’t want to go.”