Chapter Text
alec was tired, he had spent his whole day doing paper work, on top of handling his father presence in the institute. all he wanted to do was to get back home, and then cuddling up in bed with magnus. however, alec felt a little uneasy because magnus didn't return any of his messages and his calls went straight to voicemail but alec knew that magnus had a meeting with the seelie queen earlier today, so he was probably just busy.
alec knocked softly on magnus' door, fiddling with the sleeves of his sweaters while waiting for magnus to open the door, and when magnus did, alec felt a little breathless when he sees his boyfriend. but that was no surprise since alec always felt breathless around magnus, he is always unable to comprehend how he got so lucky to love and be loved by magnus.
magnus was oddly quiet when he opened the door, and merely invited him in – quite professionally, as if alec was just a client.
"hey, what's wrong? did something happen today?" alec asked, voice filled with concern.
instead of replying him, magnus merely gestured at the couch, and that was a clear sign that something was indeed wrong. alec followed behind magnus and sat a couple of feet away from magnus, afraid of getting too close and making magnus feel uncomfortable, even though he craved magnus' touch. alec began thinking about what could have happened today that placed magnus in such a weird mood. alec has never seen magnus so...distanced. magnus would always greet alec with a kiss when he opens the door, even when he felt awful or had a terrible day. he has never felt further away from magnus than he did now.
"i think we should stop seeing each other," magnus said suddenly, and alec jumped at the sound of his voice. alec was getting used to the peaceful silence between them.
when alec fully processed magnus' words, he felt his heart drop, fuck, he felt his heart break. he doesn't know how to react, how to pull himself together, how to salvage the situation; if that was even possible.
"i- i don't understand, did i do something wrong? if i did- i swear- i didn't m-" alec said, he was flustered.
"i thought we could make this, us, work. but we really can't. a shadowhunter can never be with a downworlder, whether you believe it or not. it's better to end this now, than to drag it on and make things more complicated," magnus cuts him off.
alec couldn't concentrate, his throat hurts from holding in his tears, and his heart ached so severely he could hardly process any of magnus' words. alec thought that they were doing fine, they had recently celebrated their first anniversary, and magnus even got him a promise ring, before he asked alec to move in with him. alec had thought of magnus as his family, and he thought that magnus did too, and fuck, he felt so foolish and naïve and stupid. camille had told him that magnus would grow tired of him eventually and that he was just a temporary toy for magnus to feel less lonely, and alec didn't believe her at first. he did now.
he never loved you, you fool.
he's tired of you.
alec nodded slowly, and looks up at magnus, noticing how calm he was with the whole situation made alec's heart ache more – if that was even possible.
"i understand, i'll, uh, i'll go." alec said, his voice so soft that magnus almost missed it.
alec only allowed himself to cry when he was in the shower in his own room back at the institute. he could only hope that the sound of the water would drown out the sound of his sobs. he felt like his whole world has crumbled, and he couldn't breathe. the worst part was that alec actually thought that he and magnus would be together for a much longer time – and that they would adopt kids and live together. alec tried to stop crying, tried to stop being so fucking weak, but he fails, yet again, to do so. he couldn't stop his sobs as he thought about how magnus doesn’t love him anymore – how he only adds on to the many other lovers magnus has had in his life. alec hasn't told magnus yet, but recently he has had troubles falling asleep, how the voices in his head are the loudest that they've ever been, and the break up has only made it worse. alec clenches his fist and takes several deep breaths, finally managing to stop crying and practically drags himself to his bed - which felt cold and hard and uncomfortable in comparison to magnus'.
the next few days passed quickly since alec does the same thing over and over again, which includes going out on way too many patrols and drowning himself in his work in order to avoid another break down.
izzy and jace only finds out about the break up when they went to magnus' loft a week later, worried about their brother who now has heavy bags under his eyes, and seems to spend more time in the training room than in his bed. they thought that magnus would know what was bothering alec, but they were surprised (to say the least) that magnus was what caused their brother to become so miserable.
the next time magnus and alec meet was when there was an attack on the institute and alec had gotten injured. magnus wasn't ready to see alec, and alec wasn't ready to see magnus. they were both suffering in their own ways from the break up, but magnus had dot and raphael to help him recover. magnus had thought that izzy and jace would help alec through the break up, but he should've known that alec would put on a façade to not worry his siblings.
once magnus' eyes fell on alec, he immediately notices how pale he looks, and how the nearly purple bags under alec's eyes stood out againsthis pale skin. when alec looked up and saw magnus, the pain he has tried so hard to ignore these few weeks came back like a flood, and alec was pretty sure his pain increased threefold.
"i need everyone to leave the room. you may come back in after i've healed alec."
magnus notices how alec tries to avoid eye contact with him, and chooses to look down at the floor, as if the floor was the most interesting thing alec has ever seen. when everyone left, magnus sat down next to alec. magnus grabs alec's arm gently, and before he could even start healing him, alec pulled his arm away.
"don’t," alec said quickly, and magnus recognises the look on alec's face.
it was the same look alec wore when magnus found him on his balcony the night of jocelyn's funeral. the one alec wore when he desperately tries to replace emotional pain with physical pain.
"you cannot continue suffering by yourself, alec," magnus said firmly, as if reprimanding a child.
"izzy shouldn't have called you. i'm sorry but you wasted your time, i'm fine," and with that, alec tried to leave the room, only to be pulled back by magnus.
"you're not fine. look at yourself, alec. what are these?" magnus pushes, pointing at the bruises on alec's knuckles, and the small, but deep crescent marks on his palm.
he doesn't know why magnus is doing this, why magnus cares. they weren't together anymore, and magnus' concerns only made alec feel worse, if that was even possible. alec self-consciously tucked his hands under his thighs, muttering "nothing," and hoped that magnus would leave.
frankly, magnus felt shitty. magnus spent so much time trying to get alec to open up to him, and to understand him. all his effort seems to have gone down the drain. what scares magnus was the empty look in alec's eyes, which made him think of the night he found alec on the roof of the institute, legs dangling over the ledge, knuckles bloody from his time spent in the training room (a far too bad habit of alec's). magnus was fucking scared, he knows that if he doesn't help alec, alec would break and crumble and fall, and not in pretty, poetic ways.
"i love you, darling, so much, and i understand you well enough to know that this is not nothing," magnus says, placing a comforting hand atop of alec's.
alec shakes his head, before laughing hysterically - as if magnus just shared the funniest joke he's ever heard of.
"you really don't. you think you do. i thought you did too. but you don't,"
"you don't think i love you?" magnus asked in disbelief.
"i wouldn't blame you," and with that, alec stands up and slips away from his grip, again, and magnus' thoughts were morbid. he could picture alec sitting in his room, his arms sliced open, barely conscious. he could also see alec falling from the rooftop of the institute, all the way to the cold, hard ground.
magnus knew alec so well, he knew all of alec's habits, what alec likes and dislikes. alec doesn't like to drink hard liquor (which made the drunk call magnus received at 3am on a thursday from alec so very unusual), black coffee, and talking about his feelings. alec likes being the small spoon, hog the sheets, and strawberry flavoured everything. alec was also far too self-sacrificial, too forgiving, too kind. magnus knows that alec would sacrifice his life even for clary, whom he claims to detest, and would trade his own happiness in exchange for the safety of the people he loves so deeply. magnus remembered when alec came home with those sad eyes after jace had spat merciless words in his face, but alec forgived jace in a split second, and even though he said he was fine, magnus knew he wasn't. he was far from it. magnus also knows how alec had a bad habit of using physical pain to cope with emotions, how he'd skip meals when he's stressed. even with all his bad, harmful habits, alec was still the most beautiful person magnus has ever seen in his lifetime, and he's lived a long time.
magnus loves alec, because alec was different. he was pure, innocent, and so much more (in so many ways). magnus would never forget their first time, how he lost control and dropped his glamour. he panicked because he didn't want to lose alec, but all alec did was place a calming hand on his shoulder, words laced with worry, and when magnus finally turned around to show his boyfriend his cat eyes, alec's eyes filled with so much adoration instead of disgust which magnus was used to seeing. alec even suggested for them to just cuddle and watch a movie, not at all upset over magnus' warlock mark.
magnus felt lost, he doesn't know what to do and what to say to alec to help him. magnus had regretted his words once they'd left his mouth, completely beating himself over for being the one to put pain in alec's eyes. he wishes that he could turn back time, take back words, change his actions, but that's impossible. all he can do is hope that he can hold alec tight enough such that all his broken pieces glue themselves back together, and he'd try his very best to piece back alec.