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Drip, drip, drip.
Small droplets of clear water splashed into the leaking sink in which Kenma stood before. This sound made him think of his years in high school, and the oh so familiar sound of a certain red liquid hitting the sink, the bottom of the tub, and creating puddles of color on the dull grey tiled floor.
The horrified scream Kuroo had made on that one unfortunate day that he had decided to make an unexpected visit to his dear friend, yeah, this sound made him think about that too. When hearing a scream from your best friend, you would think that you would feel some sort of emotion... but Kenma didn't. He just felt numb and raw as Kuroo restrained him and threw away everything sharp in his apartment. He didn't fight back when Kuroo took everything away, he was too tired to fight. If he was lucky he would bleed out before Kuroo was able to get him to a hospital, god how he hoped that would happen.
Alas, Kuroo managed to get him to the hospital before he even passed out.
Dammit.
That was the first time that Kenma had tried to kill himself, in his third year of middle school. Every year since then, he had attempted suicide at least once.
Kenma was in his second year of university now. That was five attempts at killing himself. He hadn't attempted this year yet... but Kenma has never been one to break tradition.
It was a shame, really. Kuroo and he had only started dating two months prior. Kenma wished that he could stay with him longer, but he knew that it was time for him to go.
He would really miss this place, he had moved in with Kuroo two years ago when Kuroo realized that if he was alone, Kenma wouldn't stop trying to kill himself. Kuroo stopped trusting him to be alone, and Kenma didn't regret anything. He would never regret anything.
With his many suicide attempts, Kenma had discovered his favorite and least favorite methods. He hated cutting as a method. It took too long and made the chances of Kuroo being able to rescue him increase, which he didn't want. Another least favorite was drowning. Although it didn't take terribly long, it was human instinct to get out of the water as soon as they couldn't hold their breath any longer, and Kenma couldn't fight that instinct.
Kenma's favorite method was overdosing on some type of medication. Overdose was easy and overall painless, as Kenma passed out soon after overdosing and couldn't feel anything until he woke up in the hospital. However... he had clearly never succeeded while overdosing.
This time, Kenma was going to try something new.
Today... Kenma was going to hang himself.
He had the rope (stolen from his parents garage last time Kenma had visited them), and he only had to write his suicide note now. Kenma had never bothered with a note before, but with Kuroo and himself dating now... he felt obligated to leave at least a short note
Turning the water off, Kenma checked the time on his phone. 5:27 p.m., he had about half an hour to do this, since Kuroo always got home at six o'clock on the dot. He couldn't waste time now.
When Kenma stepped out of the bathroom he entered the kitchen. Although he didn't have time to waste... Kenma lingered there, gazing at the note from Kuroo on the kitchen table.
"hey hey hey! my sweet kitten <3 i love you so much, just wanted to remind you
i got you that clay face mask that you love so much, it's on the counter, pamper yourself today baby. god, i can't wait to come back home and kiss your pretty face. i love you kitten.
-Kuroo
(p.s. don't spend all day in bed playing games
(p.p.s. there's one last piece of apple pie in the fridge... you can have it my love)
(p.p.p.s. one last thing... i love you!)"
Kenma could feel himself tearing up. No... no, he promised that he wouldn't cry this time. This is what he wanted. Yes, yes, he wanted this, he wanted this, he wanted this.
...right?
No, Kenma thought, he wasn't going to doubt himself. Doubting himself would make this more difficult than it already was.
Still... Kenma couldn't stop thinking. Was Kuroo going to blame himself for Kenma's death? Would he cry?
Stop, stop, please stop, Kenma pleaded with the voices his head. Please, he didn't want to be doubting the choice he has made to kill himself.
He was going to do this, he had to do this. He HAD to.
Kenma stuffed the note from Kuroo into his pocket and headed into their shared bedroom. He had to do this. No more doubting his choice.
Write the note, tie the noose, hang himself. It was that simple. Simple... easy... no problem...
Oh god he was procrastinating now. Hah, Kenma had to laugh at that, it was damn hilarious. He, someone who had tried to kill himself for five years without a fault, was procrastinating killing himself. His laughter increased, god, he felt hysterical. He wanted to die! He wanted this! There was no turning back now! He had to do this!
If anyone had walked in at that moment, they would have called the psych ward and had them take Kenma away!
Hah... hah, hah... hah... Kenma's laughter began to dissolve into ugly sobs.
His back hit the wall and he slid down, down, down. He had hit rock bottom.
Kenma just sobbed, bringing his knees in to his chest and cradling his head in his hands.
He was pathetic, absolutely pathetic. He couldn't even kill himself. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. All he was... was pathetic.
Kenma's existence was useless, he didn't help the world in any way. He was worthless, a poor excuse for a human being. He really should just kill himself... but there was something stopping him.
What was it? What was keeping him from killing himself?
Oh. It dawned on him.
Kuroo. It was Kuroo.
This was Kuroo faults. Kuroo's fault that Kenma couldn't kill himself.
Why was it Kuroo's fault? The answer was simple.
Kuroo would blame himself if Kenma killed himself, no matter what Kenma said to convince him otherwise.
And if Kenma killed himself, it wouldn't be Kuroo's fault– hell, Kuroo had deterred him from doing so! It was his fault that he couldn't kill himself.
Kenma had never had trouble like this before, he had always been able to easily rake the meds or slit his wrists. But today... today was different. He was certain that his hands would be far too shaky to do so much as to tie the noose.
He pondered why it was different as he continued to sob. He lifted his head as he realized the drastic difference.
This time, he was dating Kuroo. Dating was a much more intimate relationship than friendship, and now Kenma felt guilty about trying to leave him, his partner, his boyfriend, his lover.
Kenma had always seen those stories about people losing their romantic partners, whether it be from suicide, sickness, accident, or anything else that could possibly kill a person, and they were immensely sad. Kenma couldn't do that to Kuroo... he just couldn't. He really did love Kuroo, and he could barely begin to imagine how terrible his death would affect Kuroo.
Kuroo would call Kenma his one love, the light of his life, his lover, and his best friend. It would make Kenma a monster to take away Kuroo's lover and best friend, it would be so fucking cruel. Kenma never wanted to hurt Kuroo.
But... he had hurt him, hadn't he? Every single time that Kenma had tried to kill himself, he had hurt Kuroo. Kenma had been hurting Kuroo for years and years now.
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god... Kenma hadn't realized it before, oh my god... he truly was a monster. He had hurt Kuroo without a second thought. How could Kuroo love him when he had hurt him so much? How did Kuroo call him the light of his life, his kitten, his baby when he had caused him so much pain?
Kenma was a monster, he didn't deserve someone like Kuroo to care about him and to love him. He didn't deserve him. He didn't deserve to call himself his boyfriend, his lover...
Phone, phone, where was his phone?
Oh, in his pocket... he was an idiot.
Pulling his phone out, Kenma clicked on his contacts and pressed the call button on his one and only contact.
Kuroo.
He held the phone up to his ear, listening to Kuroo's shitty ringtone (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun) (Every time he heard it, Kenma reconsidered his choice in boyfriends).
Ring, ring, ring...
"Kenma, Kenma, I have a meeting to go to, can I call you back in half an hour baby, I–"
"No..." his voice was but a whisper, "We need to talk n-now Tetsurou."
Kuroo became immediately concerned, "Kenma, what's wrong? Hey, talk to me kitten, babydoll..."
"We- we need to break up," Kenma cried as he spoke, "We can't be t-together anymore..."
Kuroo choked on his own words, "B-baby, I.. oh my god... baby, baby. I'm coming home right now. Please baby, kitten, please promise me to stay right where you are? Where are you?" Kuroo had realized what was going on with Kenma. He knew Kenma well enough that he couldn't be fooled by the facade he always put on.
Kenma practically whimpered, "It's fine, go to your meeting Tetsurou..."
"No, Kenma, tell me where you are right now." Kuroo demanded. It wasn't a question, it was an order. If he didn't find out where Kenma was, he could be dead by the time he got home.
"In our r-room..."
"Do you have any meds with you right now? A razorblade? If you do, throw them the fuck away, Kenma, right now. I'm not joking. I'm being serious."
"Don't have anything.. except rope, which is all the way in the kitchen..."
"Do you promise kitten?" Kuroo asked, more gently than before. He could tell that Kenma was becoming slightly scared as Kuroo raised his voice, and Kuroo didn't want that. He didn't want Kenma to panic, that would only make things worse.
"I p-promise... Kuro, I promise..."
"Thank you kitten, I love you. I'll be home as soon as I can, I promise." Fuck his meeting, it could wait. Kuroo didn't care about anything but the wellbeing of Kenma, Kenma, Kenma, Kenma.
"I l-love you too..." Sobs continued to wrack Kenma's small and frail body as he dropped his phone due to his trembling hands. He didn't bother to hang up the phone... he had a feeling that Kuroo didn't want him to.
And he was right. Kuroo wanted, needed Kenma to stay on the phone line. He needed some sort of confirmation that Kenma was there, breathing, living. The terrible sobs coming through Kenma's side of the phone gave him that confirmation, no matter how heartbreaking it was to hear Kenma in so much pain and despair. He needed to know that Kenma, his lover, still existed in this world, the world of the living.
Kuroo kept the phone to his ear as he ran to his boss's office. He barged in, not knocking or anything. His boss seemed to be in a Skype with some important guy, but Kuroo couldn't give a flying fuck about that right now.
"Excuse me, Kuroo, I'm in a meeting right now-"
Kuroo interrupted him, "I'm sorry, but my partner is at home trying to end his life, can I please be excused from work for today?"
Now, Kuroo's boss wasn't always the kindest person, but he knew what was right and wrong, and he could see that Kuroo was not joking. This was serious.
"Yes, of course, go. Go right now. If you need tomorrow off, call in and I'll handle it. Go."
"Thank you so much, sir," Kuroo said graciously and ran out the door and outside to his car. He rammed his keys into the car (usually, he would be making all kinds of jokes in his head about ramming something else in somewhere else, heh, but now, childish jokes about sex were the last thing on his mind.) and turned them, thanking not only God, but Jesus too when the car started on the first attempt. His car was shitty, to say the least, and with how things were going today, Kuroo had assumed that the car would take at least a dozen tries before deciding to cooperate with its owner's wishes.
Thankfully, the drive to the apartment building was pretty short (this was due to the fact that when Kuroo began working this job, he didn't have a car, and his lazy ass didn't want to have a long walk to work. So, he found an apartment very close to his work. It was still a shitty ten minute walk, especially on rainy Monday mornings.).
Kuroo may have went a bit over the speed limit... okay, a lot. He sped like his life depended on it, which, was almost true, except it was Kenma's life that depended on it.
Once at the building, Kuroo did his shittiest parking job he has ever done and sprinted into the building as if he were running to receive a volleyball. He couldn't even get to their apartment quick enough. Kuroo wished that he could travel at the speed of light to get to Kenma quicker.
Kuroo had never been more grateful that he had forgotten to lock the apartment door, that way he could just rush in without fiddling with his keys and the lock.
He pushed the door open and quickly closed it behind him–he knew Kenma wouldn't want the door to be open since he was crying so loudly and everyone walking in the hallway would hear it if the door was left wide open.
As to not frighten Kenma, Kuroo walked slowly and didn't yell to Kenma. Walking through the kitchen, Kuroo saw the sturdy rope on the small, round table.
...that must have been the rope that Kenma had planned to use to... to hang himself. It hurt Kuroo to think about that. He turned his head away and kept walking. Kuroo couldn't bare that though, so he pushed it from his mind.
Before Kuroo could push open the door to the bedroom, he had to take a deep breath and prepare himself for whatever was inside. Whether Kenma had been telling the truth and truly was just sitting on the ground unharmed physically, or the more gruesome possibility of Kenma sitting on the floor, sobbing as blood flowed from his thin wrists– whichever it was, Kuroo was ready for it, ready to be there for Kenma even if he had been lying to him.
Kuroo cleared his mind and twisted the doorknob and then pushed the door in to open it. He couldn't stop the sigh of relief that exited his lips. Kenma wasn't bleeding. There were no blades, no pills, nothing that could be used to harm his precious boy. Kenma was okay... he was okay...
No he wasn't.
He was physically okay, unless you counted the healed scars which Kuroo just saw as a part of Kenma now. Admittedly, they were disgusting scars, ugly raised lines that were even paler in color than Kenma's already fair skin tone. Nothing about them was pretty or beautiful in any way. It made Kuroo sick to see those scars. Kenma had inflicted those on himself and Kuroo had seen it, the blood contrasting against the other's skin. It was absolutely horrifying to see a sight such as that. However... Kenma was still beautiful. He was absolutely gorgeous. The scars were unsightly, yes, but despite that, Kenma was still the most ethereal being that Kuroo had ever seen– both inside and out. His scars would never change his aesthetic, his utter beauty.
But... even though Kenma was physically okay, he was not mentally okay to any standard. He probably never would be. He would never be truly okay, and that was okay. Kuroo would be there to help him heal.
Kuroo kneeled down next to the crying male and gently pried his hands away from his face, seeing Kenma's eyes downcast when he did this. He looked ashamed and utterly destroyed. HIs heart nearly shattered at the sight of his one and only lover being so broken. He didn't deserve this, Kenma didn't deserve this. Goddammit, he didn't deserve any of this shit! Fuck, Kuroo felt his heat begin to burn in anger and hatred of the world. Stay calm, stay calm... the thought dawned on him.
"Kenma... can you undress for me?" Kuroo asked, face serious.
"K-Kuroo- what the hell? Now is not- it's not the time for sex!" Kenma was bewildered by Kuroo's request. Why now, of all times, did Kuroo want sex?
Kuroo was quick to backtrack, "Wait, Kenma, Kenma, I didn't mean undress for sex! I need to check your body! You could have cut yourself somewhere that I can't see while you're clothed.
"Oh... sorry." Kenma bit his lip.
"Huh? Sorry for what? Baby- don't apologize for anything, you did nothing wrong-"
"I mean... in my head I was thinking 'Kuroo, you disgusting pervert! Why the hell are you turned on by me like this?!'. So, I'm sorry for um, thinking you were like that."
Kuroo gave him a small smile, "Oh babydoll, it's okay. I understand, what I said did sound perverted."
"I'll take my clothes off now..." Kenma steadied himself as he stood, "I'll show you that I didn't cut." He crossed his arms first and pulled his shirt up over his head, "No cuts on my chest or arms..." He continued and slipped off his sweatpants, "None on my legs or thighs... is that enough? You have a dick, you know not even someone like me would cut on their fucking dick."
"Yeah..." Kuroo cringed at the thought of having a cut on his dick, "Yeah, that's enough. You stripped very willingly, you didn't hesitate, so I can tell that you have nothing to hide." Kuroo reached up and took both of Kenma's hands in his own, "Now come on, hey, sit with me. Let's talk this out. It'll be okay."
Kenma allowed Kuroo to ease him down onto his lap and hold onto him tightly get oh so gently.
"Kitten, I can't believe this-"
Kenma tried to interrupt Kuroo, but Kuroo didn't let him, quickly shushing him.
"Hey, wait. I'm not saying it in a bad way. I meant, I can't believe that you didn't hurt yourself at all baby. I'm so proud. You were here along with everything you needed, but you didn't even do so much as to cut yourself. Kenma, oh babydoll, I'm so proud. You're getting so much better." Kuroo grinned and hugged Kenma so tightly that it hurt just a little bit in the ribs, "Kenma! When you called me, I expected the worst. I expected you to be passed out when I got home, and you weren't!" Kuroo began to pepper Kenma's face with kisses.
Kenma couldn't help but to smile at the soft, wonderful kisses that were being pressed all over his face.
"Kenma! Baby! My kitten! There's that smile I love so much!" Kuroo loved to see Kenma smile, so much that he scooped him up in his arms and spun him around.
Kenma giggled in reaction... but it didn't last long. His face contorted back into a sorrowful expression, causing Kuroo to sit him back down on the floor.
"Kitten...? What's wrong now?" His face grew concerned, just as he had been before.
"I... I'm not getting better though. I'm just getting weaker. I've become so weak that I can't even do what I should and cut myself."
"Oh... oh no Kenma. That's not weakness. That's strength. Not being able to cut anymore means that you've developed enough strength to keep living. Hurting yourself is not what strength is at all. Strength is managing to continue living even when it seems as if everyone and the world itself is out to get you... that's what strength is, Kenma." Kuroo cupped Kenma's cheeks with his rough hands, "You have so much more strength in you than you think, love. You're strong, Kenma."
Kenma stayed silent for a few moments, trying to collect his thoughts. Him not hurting himself signified strength? Well, that was a new thought that was now put in his head... and it wasn't a bad though for once. Was he really getting better? Getting stronger? As much as Kenma didn't think that he was, he believed Kuroo with his entire heart, trusted him to know better than himself, the idiot who had tried to kill himself so many time, so many stupid times.
It was almost a full two minutes before he spoke, "Yeah, alright."
"Say it Kenma, baby, c'mon, say it for me." Kuroo gently ran a hand through Kenma hair. It was mostly brown now, as Kenma had become terrible at self care lately and didn't even re-dye it... hm, Kuroo thought that after this they could maybe re-dye it.
Kenma hated when Kuroo made him do stuff like this, but he knew Kuroo needed to hear it, "I'm strong, Kuro, I'm getting better."
And for once... he actually believed it.