Work Text:
The thing about being straight is that there are lots of places to learn how. Your parents are probably straight, for one thing. If theirs is not a good model of a healthy heterosexual relationship, you can always pick things up from books, movies, church, school, couples on TV...there are even entire straight reeducation programs you can be sent to if people think you're doing wrong.
Not that they actually work--trust me--but at least they're out there making the effort.
It's a lot harder to learn how to be a lesbian. My friends Lloyd and Larry Morgan-Gordon say this is because there are a lot of ways to be gay, and none of them are really wrong. Still, when you've just, say, kidnapped your girlfriend from her graduation from compulsory heterosexuality school and ridden off into the sunset, it would be nice to have some idea of what to do next.
Especially if you're a cheerleader.
So I've decided to make this guide, based on some things I've learned so far.
Lesson #1: Yes, it is possible to be a lesbian and a cheerleader.
"You should add: Especially if your girlfriend thinks the uniform makes you look hot."
Megan looked up from her computer at the woman reading over her shoulder. "Graham," she began.
"I'm just saying," said Graham. "There's something about that little skirt that just gets to me." She bent down and caught Megan's ear gently in her teeth, then began leaving a slow trail of kisses down her neck.
"Graham stop. You're distracting me," said Megan. "Besides, this is serious. I'm trying to clear up some major misconceptions about homosexual lifestyles and cheerleading."
"Like the fact that cheerleaders aren't just bulimic little airheads, but can be smart and funny as well as sexy?" Graham's hands had moved around to the front of Megan's shirt and were starting to work the top buttons on Megan's blouse. "Because I definitely had some major misconceptions in that department until I met you."
"Okay, fine..."
Especially if your girlfriend thinks the uniform makes you look hot. Speaking of girlfriends, it is seldom a good idea to let them in the room when you're trying to write a guide on lesbianism for cheerleaders. Otherwise, they can be a major distraction and prevent you from getting any work done for hours and hours.
Lesson #2: There are some people who may never understand your sexual orientation no matter how many times you explain it to them, especially ex-boyfriends and certain other members of the football team.
"But I don't understand why we still can't go out," said Jared.
"Because, I told you, I'm gay now," explained Megan, with more patience than she felt, for approximately the fifteenth time.
"But you were gay before, and we were still going steady then!"
"Yes, but this time I know I'm gay. Besides, I'm with Graham now."
"I know! And I keep trying to tell you, that's okay with me!"
"It's not okay with me!" Megan sighed. "Look, Jared, Graham and I are together now. By ourselves. Which means I can't date you. I can't kiss you. And no, we can't try you making out with both of us to see if I'd like it better. It's not how this works. I'm sorry."
"Fine. I understand," said Jared, in a tone of voice that indicated he didn't really understand at all, but was fully prepared to continue to bring up how hurt it made him until she gave in anyway.
Megan watched him walk away.
"Hey, Megan!" called a voice behind her. She turned in time to watch Ryan, one of the Freemont High linebackers, jog up. "What's wrong?" he asked when he was close enough to see her face.
"I think I just had to break up with Jared. Again."
"That's rough," said Ryan.
"It's like he doesn't understand what it means when I tell him I have a girlfriend now."
"Some people can be so dense," said Ryan, shaking his head. "Hey, listen. I've got tickets to the concert on campus this Thursday. Do you want to come? It'd be totally hot...I mean, cool if you bring What's-Her-Name, too."
He was completely confused when, instead of actually answering, Megan walked over to the side of the gym and started hitting her forehead against the brick wall.
Lesson #3: Some people's reactions may not be exactly what you expect.
"Megan?"
Megan jumped. She'd been used to having the locker room to herself these days. Even though almost everyone claimed to be okay with Megan rejoining the squad, even the most vocally supportive tended to find somewhere else to be for a while when it was time to hit the showers. None were more creative with the excuses than squad captain and Megan's former best friend Kimberly.
"Hey," said Megan.
"I wanted to say," Kimberly began, then paused, took a deep breath, and began again. "I wanted to say I'm sorry. All that intervention stuff was stupid. I've been doing some reading since then, and....well, you're my best friend and I want you to know that I fully support you in your new alternative lifestyle."
She rushed forward and embraced Megan in a sudden, furious, tearful hug that Megan was all too glad to return once Kimberly's hold relaxed enough that she was able to breathe again.
"I've missed you," Megan said.
"I've missed you, too," said Kimberly. She grabbed her backpack and rummaged through it until she came up with an envelope that she handed to Megan. "Which is why I wanted to give you this. It's an invitation. I'm having a party next Saturday, and I would be totally honored if you and your lesbian life partner could be there."
Megan smiled. "Thanks. I'd love to come, and know Graham would like to meet some of you guys."
"Great!" said Kimberly, then looked down again. "There's just, um, one little thing."
"What?"
"Like I said, I totally support you guys and your relationship, but there are some things that are still against my personal beliefs, not to mention kind of gross, and well, I do have a little brother and sister at home..."
Megan's eyes narrowed. "What are you saying?"
Kimberly mumbled something Megan couldn't quite catch.
"What?"
"I said, do you think Graham will be upset if I ask her not to smoke in the house?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, I've seen her with cigarettes and outside on the porch is fine, but secondhand smoke in an enclosed environment is way unhealthy, and..."
Megan laughed. "I really don't think it'll be that big of a deal."
And it wasn't.
Lesson #4: Cheers not only make people feel good, they can also be a simple, yet effective way of helping your parents cope with your coming out process.
Megan stood in the living room, hands on her hips. "Ready, Dad?"
"Well, I'm not sure, Little Poodle," Megan's father said.
"C'mon, once we get through the first cheer, it'll be easy. Just repeat after me. Now, are you ready?"
"I'm...I'm ready!"
"Okay! Now, give me a G!"
"G!"
"Give me an A!"
"A!"
"Give me a Y!"
"Y!"
"What does that spell?"
"Um...g...ga...ga..."
"C'mon, Dad. What does that spell?"
"Gay! Gay! It spells gay! My daughter's gay, and I'm still her number one fan!"
Megan clapped. "Yay! Way to go, Dad! You did it!"
"G-A-Y! Gay!" Megan's father shouted, jumping around the room and trying an improvised cartwheel that didn't quite work and resulted in the untimely breakage of one of the living room lamps.
Which was the exact moment Megan's mother walked through the front door. "What is going on here?" she asked, surveying the damage.
"Honey, our daughter is gay! And I'm proud of her!"
"Well, yes. That's not entirely new information, and I'm not sure it's a cause for celebration or destroying the living room, but..."
"Honey, she's got a cheer and everything. Poodle, show your mom the cheer."
Megan's mother rolled her eyes, complained and scolded throughout the entire thing, but she eventually did join in.
And the next day, Graham was finally invited to family dinner.
Lesson #5: The vegetarian thing is not an essential part of the lesbian lifestyle, but rather, one of a number of available options.
Graham ate meat.
Megan knew this, of course. But it was one thing to watch the girl you were only starting to realize you were attracted to stuff herself with sushi at Straight Camp, and another thing to watch your girlfriend endear herself forever to your mother by taking her third helping of pot roast.
"This is excellent, Mrs. B," Graham said, around a mouthful of red meat.
"Why thank you dear," said Megan's mother. "It's wonderful finally having a young person in this house who appreciates my cooking."
"See, Little Poodle," said Megan's dad. "It's not disrespecting your lifestyle to ask you to try a little bite."
"Dad!" said Megan. "I'm a vegetarian! It doesn't have anything to do with being a homosexual. That's just a myth!"
"That's true, Mr. B," said Graham. "Megan's a vegetarian. Now me, I like girls and I like bacon. A lot."
Later, after she'd helped with the dishes, Megan met Graham on the porch. "Does it really bother you that I'm a carnivore?" asked Graham.
"No. I mean, yes. I mean, it's none of my business what you want to eat. But yeah, a little. I mean, bacon?"
"One of nature's perfect foods. Just a little above nicotine and fast cars and just a little below orgasms and you on the list of Things That Make Graham Happy."
"That's disgusting," said Megan. "And unhealthy."
"Well, you better get used to it before we move in together, Princess. Because I do not believe in the meatless meal. In fact, I might even cook bacon for every breakfast, lunch and dinner."
"Ew," Megan made a face. Then, "Wait, what do you mean when we move in together? Did you just ask me to live with you?"
Graham smiled. "I think I kind of did. I mean, you are graduating soon, and it would be cheaper splitting the rent than us each getting our own place. Besides, you really don't want to live in a dorm..."
"Graham?"
"If the carnivore thing is really a deal breaker, I suppose I could always learn to embrace the wonders of tofu."
"Graham?"
"Yeah?"
"How about you kiss me now, and we can work out the menu plan later?"
So she did.
Lesson #6: Pride is as important to healthy homosexual living as it is to high school sports. However, there may be such a thing as overdoing it. Hence, it might not be the best idea to let your parents surprise you by buying the furniture and appliances for your new apartment so soon after they've gotten heavily involved in PFLAG.
Graham looked around their new living room, taking in the rainbow sofa covered in gay pride throw pillows, the rainbow recliner, and the cross stitch sampler on the wall bearing the slogan "Gay is Great!" and started to laugh.
"And this is just the living room," Megan said.
Graham, still laughing, tried to hold onto the rainbow bookcase for support before finally giving up and collapsing on the floor.
"I don't think it's a good idea to show you the kitchen. I mean, I don't even know where you find a gay pride toaster."
Graham kept laughing.
"I suppose I can find my dad and have him take it all back."
"No," said Graham, getting to her feet. "Don't. It's okay. I actually love that your parents are this supportive."
"That's just because you haven't seen the bedroom yet," Megan said.
"Let me guess, rainbow bedclothes?"
Megan nodded miserably. "And that's if you don't want to use the labrys set. Or the pink sheets with the interlocking symbols for woman. And I hope you don't mind famous lesbians throughout history watching us in poster form from the walls."
"Hmm," Graham said, pretending to think. She pulled Megan toward her and kissed her. "I think I can work with that," she said, when they finally broke away. "But I need to do a test run first to be sure. C'mon."
She took Megan's hand and led her toward the bedroom.
In actual fact, they only made it as far as the front hallway before they found themselves locked in each other's embrace again. Megan ran her tongue over Graham's parted lips, and they kissed, tongues exploring each other's mouths while hands explored each other's bodies. Graham fumbled under Megan's shirt until she reached the bare flesh of Megan's breasts. She fondled them, gently toying with each nipple until it hardened, while Megan tried to retain enough concentration to work button and zipper, then push Graham's jeans past her hips.
In seconds, Graham was too weak-kneed to stand. She collapsed to the floor, pulling Megan on top of her.
Eventually they wound up tangled together, sans any remaining clothing, under the gay pride rainbow throw rug.
Lesson #7: There are definite advantages to moving in with the woman you love. Any afternoon that begins with the suggestion "You know, we should try this in every room of the apartment" is but one.