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The first thing she noticed was a roomba with a knife.
Technically, it was a roomba with a knife taped onto the front like a little spear and what looked like gold sharpie lettering on the top proclaiming that the little robot was called Stabby .
Lieutenant Jessie Bellamy stood frozen on the transporter, Starfleet regulation PADD in her hands primed and ready for inspection of the USS Enterprise, serial number NCC-1701-A. Standing in front of her was the notorious “Triumvirate”: Very southern, very sardonic Doctor Leonard “Bones” McCoy, sharp-angled, slant-eyebrowed, pointy-eared Commander Spock, and blue-eyed, blond-haired, devilishly-handsome Captain James T. Kirk.
“Lieutenant Bellamy,” he said cheerfully, striding forward to grasp her hand. “Welcome aboard the Enterprise. I apologize if our little buddy Stabby shocked you.”
Jessie mentally shook herself and took the Captain’s hand. “It’s no bother. Thank you Captain,” she said, gingerly stepping over the roomba. “I look forward to conducting your inspection.”
“Of course. We look forward to having you,” he replied. “May I introduce my senior officers? Doctor Leonard McCoy” - the doctor fired off a snappy salute - “and my first officer, Commander Spock.” The Vulcan inclined his head in greeting.
“Where is your chief engineer?” Jessie asked, willing her nervousness down. “I was led to believe that all senior officers would be greeting me.” Despite herself, she flushed red at seeming presumptuous.
“Oh Scotty is down in engineering,” the Captain said. “We’ve had some problems with the warp core recently, and the damn thing just won’t seem to cooperate.”
“Captain, you have failed to mention that much of the cause of the warp core problems was the result of some ensigns playing a game that you’ve called ‘nerf guns’.” Commander Spock chimed into the conversation. The Captain looked exasperated.
“Thank you, Mr. Spock,” he said. He turned back to Jessie, gesturing with his hand towards the door. “Your quarters are this way, Lieutenant.”
Jessie was in shock. She was on the flagship of Starfleet, said to have the best crew in the organization, with the famed James T. Kirk in the chair, and already she’d witnessed at least four incidences against regulation and acquired the information that the ensigns were having nerf gun fights near the warp core. She should just quit now.
“If you don’t mind my saying Captain,” she said. “I was surprised that I received the Enterprise as my first assignment. I didn’t expect they’d give the flagship to a newbie.”
“Oh Starfleet Command does this all the time,” the Captain told her as they walked down the hallway. (McCoy had peeled off to get back to sickbay. Spock stayed with them). “They figure that if you can survive the Enterprise , you can survive any ship that they throw at you.” They reached her quarters without incident, unless you count hearing a distant crash and loud swearing in what sounded like French an incident.
“Well, why don’t you get settled in, and then I’ll escort you to the bridge to formally start the inspection?” the Captain told her.
“Thank you Captain,” Jessie said. She turned to Commander Spock. “Commander.” She raised her hand in the traditional Vulcan ta’al . The Commander raised an eyebrow before returning the gesture.
“I shall return to the bridge, Captain,” he said.
“Of course,” said Kirk. “I’ll see you there.” He reached out his two fore-fingers and caressed the Vulcan’s before the Commander turned and headed towards the bridge. Jessie blinked. If her knowledge of Vulcan customs was adequate, that would be constituted as a kiss. And not one between friends.
“Captain,” she asked, hesitant to pry. “If it’s not to personal, are you and Commander Spock-”
“Together?” finished the Captain. “Yes, we’re bondmates, according to the Vulcan customs. But I fail to see how that is relevant to the inspection, as Commander Spock is close in rank to myself.”
Jessie backtracked, sputtering slightly. “It-It’s not, sir. I was just surprised. Vulcans aren’t typically as tactile as we are.”
The Captain grinned. “I’m messing with you kid. Mostly. Starfleet knows about us, of course, but it’s funny to see the new kids do a double take, so we ask them not to mention it. Now if you want to see your quarters, be my guest, but if you want to we can head to the bridge.”
“The bridge would be fine, Captain. Thank you.”
“Right this way, Lieutenant.”
~~~~~~
Jessie stood in her corner of the bridge, looking utterly bewildered. An hour into the week-long inspection, and the Enterprise crew had already broken more than two-dozen regulations. The bridge crew seemed to all be on a first-name basis, despite being on duty, and Doctor McCoy had an unfortunate habit of remaining on the bridge, despite the fact that he was supposed to be monitoring sickbay. The Captain lounged on his chair and made bedroom eyes at his first officer, while the Russian ensign at the helm (Chekov, she reminded herself) kept a constant instant message open with the pilot Sulu on his panel, where he typed out dirty jokes and observations about the captain and first officer.
A sharp pain in her ankle made her yelp in surprise. The little roomba with the knife (Stabby, apparently named by the ensign who’d taped on the knife), had managed to make it onto the bridge and had rolled right into her ankle. She cursed under her breath.
“Are you okay, Lieutenant?” asked the Captain.
“Yes, I’m fine. Sir, why is there a roomba on a starship ? We have much more efficient cleaning systems available. And why does it have a knife taped to it? It’s a hazard.” She ignored the blood soaking her sock. It wasn’t serious.
The Captain shrugged. “It was cute, so we kept it around.” He looked her up and down. “Lieutenant, if you could accompany Doctor McCoy to sickbay to get that cut looked at.”
“I”m fine, Captain. I’d prefer to remain on the bridge.”
“I could make it an order, Lieutenant, but I’d prefer not to. We don’t try to terrorize our inspectors.” At her station, Lieutenant Uhura made a strange choking noise, and she saw Sulu and Chekov exchange looks. Jessie sighed.
“Aye Sir,” she said, following McCoy into the turbolift. It was a decidedly awkward ride, so she made herself busy by tapping out her report on the PADD.
In sickbay, doctor McCoy cleaned her up and passed a dermal regenerator over the cut on her ankle.
“You’re welcome to stay here and continue the inspection,” he told her.
“I think I will. Thank you Doctor.”
Jessie set herself up in the corner. Sickbay seemed slightly more disciplined than the bridge, but that was probably because of the delicate nature of their jobs. As it was, nurse Chapel regularly undermined doctor McCoy’s orders, although McCoy either didn’t notice or chose to ignore it. He himself tended to offer Romulan Ale to patients “for medical reasons,” and Romulan Ale was illegal the last time she checked.
She witnessed them treat an ensign from the science labs for a peanut allergy (evidently a retro Reese’s Cup had been consumed on a dare), a lieutenant commander from engineering for a sprained ankle (courtesy of “parkour in the engineering lounge”), and, mostly concerningly, the captain for deep gashes in his chest and face from an away mission gone ary. He was accompanied by Commander Spock, who looked as worried as she’d ever seen a Vulcan (admittedly, she hadn’t seen many. Maybe bondmates elicited different responses). All in all, it was an exhausting first day, and she was glad to get back to her quarters at the end of it. At least there, nothing could go wrong.
Well, almost nothing.
~~~~~
“This is the captain speaking. Go to red alert!” The Captain’s voice crackled over the speakers, startling her awake. She rolled out of bed and grabbed her uniform, pulling it over her head and hopping around, trying to pull on her boots before grabbing her PADD and heading to the bridge.
She arrived to find Sulu at the con, the Captain and Commander Spock nowhere to be found.
“Where is the captain?” she shouted over a series of loud bangs and showers of sparks from the ceiling.
“No idea!” yelled Sulu. “He grabbed Spock and left as soon as we got fired on!” Another shower of sparks and a yelp from Lieutenant Uhura. “Evasive maneuvers ensign!”
“Engineering to bridge,” came a thick, frantic Scottish brogue over the comm.
“Go ahead Scotty!”
“We cannae get anything to work down here! The warp drive’s offline, and the damn impulse engines are on the fritz!”
“Well give us what you can Scotty! Otherwise we’ll be nothing but space dust in a few fucking minutes!”
“Aye Sir!” Scotty shouted. “I’ll try! Scott out.” The link went dead.
“Do you have any idea of the identity of the attacker?” Jessie yelled.
“Not a clue! We tried hailing them and then they fired.” The ship shook again, and Lieutenant Uhura swore loudly in what sounded like Klingon.
“Mr. Sulu, we’we lost primary shields!” It was Chekov.
“Bridge to engineering! Divert all power to secondary shields!”
“Aye sir,” came Scotty’s response.
“Captain to bridge.”
“Finally! Captain, where the fuck are you?” said Sulu.
“Engineering. Mr. Sulu, prepare to fire everything we’ve got. Mr. Spock has a plan.”
“Will do sir.”
“That’s not protocol!” yelled Jessie.
“Lieutenant! If it’s all the same to you, right now we need to shove protocol up our collective asses!” responded Lieutenant Uhura.
“Weapons primed!” called Chekov.
“Fire!”
And then the view screen exploded.
~~~~~
Jessie regained consciousness coughing up a lung, a sharp pain in her side and her eye swollen shut.
“Aye. Easy there Lassie. Yev had quite a bump on the head there.” She looked up into the face of who she assumed was the Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott.
“What happened?” she asked, feeling groggy and lightheaded. “How’s the ship?”
“Oh, the photon torpedoes detonated a wee bit too close to the ship and we got caught in the wake. The bridge got the worst of it. The ship is fine, and the bastards that attacked us went to warp after we blew up their impulse engines.”
Jessie sat up and looked around. The rest of the bridge crew was still unconscious, slumped over their stations or laying on the floor. Mr. Scott pulled out his communicator, still keeping a hand on Jessie’s back to steady her.
“Scotty to sickbay.”
“Bones here.”
“Aye Doctor. Can ye send a medical team to the bridge? Because I think that having some people to fly the ship would be a good idea.”
“Are you saying that right now there is not one damn person in control of this rust bucket?” McCoy sounded extremely agitated.
“Oi! Ye leave the lovely lady alone!” barked Scotty. “Untwist yer knickers Doctor. I’ve got it under control.”
“Whatever you say Scotty. I’ll send the team. McCoy out.”
Scott closed the communicator and stood up, making the rounds to check on the rest of the crew before sitting down at the helm and typing in coordinates. Jessie tried to stand up but squeaked as her side throbbed. A large piece of glass was lodged between her ribs.
“Don’t move Lassie,” said Scott from the helm. “I don’t fancy carryin’ ye to sickbay. I’m not as strong as I look.”
“Yes sir,” Jessie responded, happy to comply.
When the turbolift doors opened, it wasn’t the medical team: it was the Captain and Commander Spock. The Captain surveyed the mess on the bridge while Commander Spock went around checking systems and assessing unconscious crew members.
“Well Scotty, looks like shit has hit the fan,” said the Captain, pulling Sulu from his chair and laying him flat on the ground.
“Aye Sir.”
~~~~~
It took two weeks to get back to Starbase 6 on solely impulse power. Of course, it must have been the damn “luck of the Scottish,” as coined by Scotty, that had them running into a Klingon Bird of Prey just hours away from the base. It left them even more battered and bruised, big black scorch marks adorning the drive and saucer sections.
Needless to say, by the end of the trip, Jessie was on a near first-name basis with almost every one of the superior officers. Near death experiences tended to be very conducive to bonding.
In the docking bay, the entire command team saw her off. Doctor McCoy even gave her a hug, and Captain Kirk ruffled her hair.
“See you kid,” he said. “And remember, if you ever get tired of being a hard-ass inspector, we’ll have an opening for you.”
Jessie smiled. “With all due respect Captain, I’m not sure I’m ready for deep space just yet.”
“Smart move Bellamy,” said McCoy. “Maybe you can talk some sense into these idiots.” Spock opened his mouth to respond. “Not a word, Hobgoblin.”
Jessie giggled. “Thank you all,” she said. For everything.”
On her way out, she stepped over Stabby, who was puttering along after a trail of what looked like Cheerios.
There was no way in hell she was quitting any time soon.
~~~~~
“So,” said the admiral sitting across from her, eyeing her sooty face and tousled hair. “What is your inspection marking, Lieutenant?”
Jessie ran her hand over the location of the newly healed scar under her uniform, before handing the woman her cracked PADD.
“Full marks, Admiral.”