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If Jay thought about it, he wouldn’t be able to say when it all started. He knows what it was though, what first made his breathing hitch and his mind go blank.
It was his eyes.
Back on the isle, everything was dirty.
That’s not quite the right term. Everything was covered in dirt, so technically it was accurate, but the filth went far deeper than the surface. Everything, and everyone, was tainted. Rotten. Their food, their parents, even the foul air they breathed.
At first, Jay barely noticed. Before coming to Auradon, he never had much of a comparison. Jay knew that, in many ways, he was —is— no exception. Even now, living in a place so green and happy and goddamn clean, he feels the tug in his gut to steal something (anything, everything) and chokes on the fresh air. Sometimes he sees Mal shielding her eyes from the sun when it’s a little too bright, or Evie staring warily at some fabric because she has never seen anything so white. He knows they understand.
Carlos was different.
Jay doesn’t remember how they met. He guesses it must have been at one of their parent’s old “big bad” meetings. Jay was probably hanging out with Evie and Mal when Cruella decided Carlos was old enough to tag along. Still, he can’t seem to recall the when, the where or any details he did make up to fill the space.
He does remember his eyes. Yeah, sure they were a (pretty) warm brown, but he didn’t really notice the color. Instead, he was struck by everything beneath their surface. His eyes were so wide and full of a kind of innocence Jay had never seen before. He swears that they sparkled, like he was a princess or some shit.
Looking at Carlos and those huge, dark eyes, Jay knew that Carlos was never made for the Isle. Despite his years living on it with all its filth and rot, something within him remained untouched, like he was made for something better.
Of course, as Jay learned shortly after, there was much more to Carlos. He found Carlos was shy, but his reactions were downright hilarious. He's a scaredy-cat (his old fear of dogs was particularly funny), but he has always had a quiet bravery about him. He would follow his friends anywhere. Whenever they got into trouble, Carlos would be the one to try and talk them out of it, his mind whirring so fast it would make Jay dizzy. People like Jay and Mal tended to crush those in their way with brute force, but Carlos defeated his enemies with cutting wit and a sharper smile.
So Jay invented ways to touch him. He would mess up Carlos’s hair, nudge him to get his attention, wrestle him to the ground – anything that could be explained away. In his gut, Jay hoped that a little of that spark, that goodness would rub off on him. On rare times, when it got real bad and Jay couldn’t stand his Dad, or that hellhole, or his entire life, Jay would hold onto Carlos like a lifeline. Carlos would just look up at him with his big, stupid eyes and Jay would try not to fall apart.
Things changed when they came to Auradon. At first, it didn’t seem like much. Their entire world had just turned on its head. Jay was too busy struggling to comprehend the whole situation to notice right way, but he gradually connected the heavy glances and stiff set of shoulders. Carlos seemed to cling a little closer, like he was afraid if he didn’t, he would just topple right off their spinning world and be left in the dust.
Jay knews that would never happen. If anyone would have a place in Auradon and its golden light, it’s Carlos. If Jay slung his arm over Carlos’s slight shoulders more often these days, it’s just to make Carlos feel a bit more secure. Besides, it’s really no one else’s business.
Jay also learned more than he expected in Auradon. There’s the whole “evil isn’t good” thing, which was pretty obvious in retrospect, but there were the little things too. He learned that he's good at sports, what it means to be a team. He discovered chocolate, how its taste is sweet and rich and that it’s precisely the color of Carlos’s eyes. He learned that he couldn’t stop staring at Carlos’s mouth.
Most importantly, Jay realized that Carlos really is unique. He thought in Auradon, the place of goodness and beauty and gold, that people like Carlos would be a dime a dozen. Maybe then he would be able to find a pretty girl that wouldn’t be eclipsed by his best friend.
He found that the girls – princesses, really —of the kingdom are pretty and lively and kind. Some would even toss their hair and bat their eyes at him without any subtlety. Jay would flash back cocky smiles and search for that innocence and spark to steal his breath, but he could never find it.
When Audrey asked him to dance earlier that night after the coronation, he thought with her perfect everything she could be the one. Unfortunately, the only thing he saw in her face was a smug look of self-importance.
Lonnie was his next choice. Strong, beautiful, and kind, she was any guy’s dream. When they danced, he could tell by her coy smile and the sound of her laugh that she liked him. He, on the other hand, couldn’t help but wonder when the song would end.
When the song did end, he left. He ran to one of the lower balcony like a coward because his brain just wouldn’t shut up. He stands in the cool air trying to sort out how the hell he got here.
To be honest, it pissed him off. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t he just be like everyone else, but no, Carlos had to be so goddamn special. He was just a street urchin in a realm of royalty. He right to be so consuming.
Jay leaned his head against the cool brick railing with a frustrated groan. “What is wrong with me?”
“That’s a long list,” someone called back. Jay knew that voice. “Where do you want me to start?”
He opened an eye to peek under the arm crossed over his face to see Carlos leaning against the entryway to his makeshift hideout. His stance appeared casual, but Jay could see he was buzzing with the excitement of the night. The shake of his foot and the tap of his fingers give him away.
Jay just grunted and lay his head back down, decidedly ignoring the situation.
“Why aren’t you at the party?” Carlos asked, walking up to lean on the railing beside Jay, their shoulders brushing as he shifted closer. Jay didn't look up, but Carlos pressed on. “Are you not enjoying it? I mean, it kind of seems like your scene.”
There is something in his voice that seemed strained. It’s that tension under the surface that has been there since they got to Auradon. Jay looked up because, damn him, he’ll always worry about Carlos.
“Yeah, maybe,” Jay said. “Great food, good music, pretty girls. What’s not to love?” He gave a short laugh. He’s not sure if he is trying to convince Carlos or himself.
Straightening up, he could see a faint blush on Carlos’s cheeks, almost invisible behind the smattering of freckles. Jay guessed it’s from the dancing, or maybe just the adrenaline. Carlos continued shifting like he just can’t sit still. Of course, that’s not too abnormal, but there was a tightness to his mouth that Jay pegged as out of place.
“What about you, man? Why are you out here?”
Carlos shrugged. “I just needed a break.” He looked out over the gardens while wind ruffled his pale hair. He hesitated, before adding, “I wondered where you were.”
“Well, you found me,” Jay teased, trying to hide his surprise. Carlos often threw him off-guard with his honesty, but he usually didn't spurt out whatever he is thinking. They had all been raised far too careful for that.
“Yeah,” Carlos agreed. “I did.” He looked at Jay strangely, staring at him in a way that was both penetrating and shy. He swore Carlos could see right through him.
Jay didn't know how to react when Carlos acted like this. It made him unsure and confused, so he tried take them back to familiar territory. Jay shifted so he could lean his back against the railing in a self-assured sprawl and plastered his usual mischievous grin in place.
“Lucky you,” he drawled, throwing in an overdramatic wink for maximum mocking effect. “In fact, I think that makes you the luckiest girl at the ball, princess.”
Carlos just rolled his eyes. “I don’t know about lucky, but at least I’m the prettiest,” he deadpans.
“You wish,” Jay scoffed, though he knew it couldn’t be further from the truth. Carlos has never been vain like Evie. Besides, he really was fucking beautiful.
Of course, Carlos responded with an appropriately scandalized gasp, clutching at his chest like he was wearing imaginary pearls. Jay just laughed and flicked Carlos’s forehead. Carlos’s eyes narrowed and, in that second, Jay knew that it was a challenge.
Suddenly they scrambled at each other, and it was a burst of chaos. Jay pulled at Carlos’s ear while Carlos craned his head so he can have enough room to keep Jay in a headlock. They struggled for a moment before Jay managed to shrug Carlos off his back without letting go of his ear.
“Whatcha gonna do about it?” Jay’s eyebrows were raised and he cupped his ear like he was waiting for an answer, but Carlos just glared back. “Nothing?” Jay jeered again, punctuation his question by tapping the end of his nose.
That seemed to get a response. Carlos very obviously tried to lick at Jay’s arm in childish retaliation, but Jay caught him by the jaw before he can land the attack. Their faces were close; he saw the tongue peeking out of Carlos’s mouth, watching as Carlos tucked it slowly back behind his lips. Jay ached to follow it.
He could feel Carlos’s breath on his skin and God it’s not at all like the dog-breath he always taunted Carlos about. It was warm, soft on his cheeks like a gentle brush of fingertips. Jay wondered what Carlos’s fingers would feel like on his skin, how they might trace his features and how Jay could do the same.
Fingers. Touching. Crap.
Jay snapped his hand back to his side, clenching his fist because he still felt it tingling. All physical contact was broken and they regained a respectable space between them, but Carlos still stared up at him with big eyes bright enough to blind him.
He could tell that there was something beneath the surface – Jay knew the boy’s expressions well – and it was screaming something at him, but he just didn't understand. Maybe if he was smarter, he could read what Carlos was trying to tell him, or maybe if he was braver he would have the balls to ask.
Jay knew he was neither.
Jay’s heart felt like it was being simultaneously squeezed and shoved up his throat. He coughed, trying to relieve some of the pressure.
He could feel the tension creeping up his spine and he knew instinctively; fight or flight or freeze.
“Come on, let’s get back and get some punch or something,” Jay muttered in an attempt to flee, but his mind was screaming coward, coward, coward. “I bet Jane will be missing you.”
Jay turned to head back toward the party, but before he could escape, Carlos caught his arm.
“Wait,” Carlos exclaimed. “Can I talk to you? Just for a minute.” His voice was high and reedy.
Fuck.
Though his hands were small, Carlos gripped his forearm tightly. He could feel he warmth of Carlos’s hand bleeding through the material of his jacket. Not trusting himself to speak, Jay just nodded his response.
“Great,” Carlos said. He let go of Jay’s arm to run his fingers through his mess of snowy curls. His eyes were wide and nervous, like he felt unprepared. Maybe he didn’t think he would get this far. The blush and fidgeting were out in full force. It made Jay uneasy.
“I wasn’t going to tell you this,” Carlos began quietly, eyes fixed on the ground between them. “Like, not ever. But after everything that’s happened today, how we almost had to go back to our parents…” he trailed off, looking pained. Jay wanted to stop him, to tell him it’s okay, they’re okay, he doesn’t have to think about it - I would never have let her touch you- but Carlos steadied himself with a breath and continued.
“We won today, but I know how close I came to almost losing everything.” Carlos looked up and his eyes were determined steel. “I can’t do that. I can’t lose you.”
Jay’s brow scrunched in confusion. He didn’t know what to expect, but this was way out of left field. “You wouldn’t lose me. I’m your best friend.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Carlos barked, seemingly agitated by Jay’s response.
“Then what did you mean?” Jay hissed back.
Carlos didn't respond. He just stopped fidgeting and stared at Jay with a sort of helpless ferocity Jay didn't understand. He couldn't figure out what has Carlos so on edge. Carlos chest heaved and he reminds Jay of a wild animal trapped in a cage.
Jay was about to back away, raising his hands in a show of surrender, when Carlos lunged forward, grabbed Jay by the front of his shirt, and pulled him down into a searing kiss.
It was fire. Jay’s eyes opened wide, but he could see Carlos’s screwed shut. He felt him leaning against Jay as he stretched on his tip-toes to reach his mouth, taste the sweetness on his lips.
Then, it all hit him at once. Jay's eyes slid shut and his hands moved to the back of Carlos’s head, tangling his fingers in his curls. Carlos sighed into him and it made Jay want to fucking weep. All he could think is want, more, closer.
Carlos’s lips were open and inexperienced. He clawed at Jay’s shoulders, tugging him closer, but he lent Jay his breath and kisses like he would never taste him again. It was aggressive and passionate but somehow, it’s still pure. God help him, Jay will go blind from his light.
Carlos pulled away first, hesitant and breathless. Jay leaned forward to chase his lips as they retreat. They stared at each other for a moment before a giddy smile broke out over Jay’s face.
“Oh,” he whispered dumbly.
“Yeah.” Carlos smiled with red, swollen lips. He was blazing and breathless.
Jay knew this was dangerous. They risked the wrath of their parents, Auradon could reject them, it could disrupt the fragile balance in the VKs. Jay could screw everything up and shatter their relationship beyond repair.
Staring into Carlos’s eyes, he also knew that Carlos was the best thing in his crazy, screwed up life. Jay would fight for this, for him, and anything that threatens to tear them apart could go to hell.
So Jay just laughed, pulled Carlos even closer, and kissed him again.