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Sleep never came easy.
Keith found himself lost in thought more often these days. His mind would drift off to unknown places, keeping him awake while everyone else was asleep. He'd often leave his room and visit the upper floors of the castle, where the colossal windows granted him a breathtaking view into outer space.
He'd absentmindedly watch as the castleship passed solar systems, star clusters, vibrant nebulas and galaxies. One time he'd witnessed the death of a star from afar, as it collapsed and then burst into a million pieces.
It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
On other nights he'd aimlessly wander around the castle, observing the rooms and hallways wrapped in a soft, dim glow. The atmosphere was vastly different. Without the others around, the common room and kitchen gaped with emptiness.
In the quiet of the dark there was none of Hunk's laughter when Lance cracked a bad joke. There was none of Pidge's playful teasing to make him smile. No mocking snort from Shiro when Coran told stories about Altea that couldn't possibly be true. None of Allura's stern attitude during training, and none of her playful demeanor outside of it.
Occasionally, Keith felt a desire to fill the void. When he was all alone like this, he caught himself craving Allura's joyous presence, her glowing eyes, and that bright, reassuring smile of hers. It all melted into something incredibly beautiful that he wasn't quite able to put into words.
The princess had been occupying Keith's thoughts a lot - but he couldn’t seem to put his finger on why Allura fascinated him so much. She radiated an energy that kept the team together, and she was a leader and friend to rely on. Someone that provided Keith with a feeling of security; One that he hadn't felt from someone other than Shiro in many, many years.
Allura made the cold, hollow castle feel a bit warmer. It was the closest Keith had ever gotten to calling a place his home.
He smiled to himself as he strolled down the corridor, hands in the pockets of his loose sweatpants. Lost in thought, his feet nearly carried him past Allura's quarters. Good thing the door to her chambers was impossible to miss. From the outside, it looked more like a gate; Large, ornate wings that stretched upward, elegant tips nearly touching the ceiling. Someone that didn't know their way around the castle would certainly be intimidated by the pompous entrance. Fitting for a princess, Keith supposed.
He took a deep breath, fixed his slouched shoulders and brought his hand up to knock. He stepped back and waited, admiring the delicate patterns that decorated the door. Sure, this wasn't his first time visiting Allura in private, (and she'd showed up in his quarters plenty of times, too) but he never truly got to admire his surroundings when they were together. His eyes were always magically fixiated on her.
So there he was, standing in front of the royal chambers yet again, getting a little more nervous with every tick that passed. Of course she wouldn't be awake at this hour. Allura usually put on some relaxing music when she couldn't seem to fall asleep, but right now the only noise that could be heard was the low humming of the castle's engines in the distance.
Except that when Keith decided to turn around and return to his own room, one of the door's wings made a hissing noise and opened slightly. Just wide enough for him to slip in.
The first thing he noticed was that the lights in the room were even dimmer than the ones in the hallway. They illuminated the bed frame and the large curtains that hung down from the ceiling in a soft, blue glow.
Second was the light but enticing scent that wrapped around him as soon as he shut the door. It came close to what pink roses and juicy strawberries smelled like in his memory. There was also a dewy, more natural note to the smell. Allura had told him that this was the fragrance of a flower called Junieberry, and that it reminded her of Altea - her long lost home.
Keith's eyes were slowly adjusting to his surroundings, and the rest of the room began to take shape. There was the door to the bathroom on the right, a large mirror with a table on the left. Some items were scattered on said table; Allura's earrings and a pearl necklace, among several rings and a metallic bracelet. Two of the mice - Platt and Chulat - were napping next to the open jewelry box, and a fluffy pink ear stuck out from the inside.
He let his gaze wander across the room. Just when he was about to call out her name, the bathroom door opened and the princess stepped out.
She looked much more delicate in her nightgown, thin fabric clinging to her arms and waist and making her appear smaller, though still far from frail. Keith's eyes widened as he examined the princess more closely, however.
Her hair was messy and hung down her shoulders lifelessly, and her eyes looked puffed and red, and tired, as though she hadn't been able to get much sleep, either.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
He should say something, shouldn't he? But his mouth was dry and his brain refused to provide the fitting words. An anxious feeling arose in his gut.
Maybe she had let him in on accident. Maybe he shouldn't have come at all.
Allura opened her mouth to say something, but closed it again and just stared at Keith for a while. She blinked wearily and squinted, not taking her eyes off him. It looked as though she were having trouble distinguishing him from a dream.
Finally, she let out a tired sigh.
"Keith."
It was more of a statement than a greeting.
Her voice cracked and she swallowed, blinking intently and wiping at her cheeks. It was obvious what she'd been doing in there. Nevertheless, Allura forced herself to give him a weak smile.
"I'm glad you've come," she said quietly, running a hand through her already tousled hair, “but I must ask you to leave.”
Keith's shocked expression turned into a concerned one, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. He tried to sort his thoughts, fumbling for words. He should say something. Anything.
“Allura, please let me–“
“I cannot allow my paladins to see me like this.”
The false smile on her face faltered. Allura didn't simply look tired - she looked completely worn out.
Keith felt his stomach sink, combined with a tinge of guilt weighing his heart down. He couldn’t tell who that was, standing in front of him. Was he looking at the princess, his leader, or Allura – his friend?
He didn’t budge, and after a few more seconds of silence, Allura’s voice took on a more commanding tone.
“Leave.”
'Stay.’
"Allura, I'm not leavin -"
“Please.”
‘Please don’t leave.’
"I can't go," he said. "Not until I know you'll be okay."
She hesitated this time. But Keith, expressing concern in his own, stubborn way, refused to leave her alone. She must have known that, right?
After a tense pause, Allura finally nodded in defeat and blinked forcefully, suppressing freshly formed tears.
She looked around and then walked across the room to sit down on the chair in front of the mirror, neatly folding her hands in her lap. Her eyes met her reflection and just for a split second, something in her expression seemed to waver.
Forcing herself to look away, scanning the table, she took one of the smaller rings - careful not to wake the mice - and slid it on her finger. Her eyebrows furrowed in frustration as she squeezed her eyes shut.
"Everything is wrong, Keith!"
Allura didn't look at him, eyes fixated on the floor, one hand fidgeting with the ring on her finger.
Keith didn't know what to do, but there was a silent understanding between them that words on his part weren't necessary. He took a step toward her, almost flinching when Allura's voice cut through the silence again.
"One false move, and Voltron is in the hands of the Galra," she continued.
"I can't bear to make these decisions anymore."
The words came out raw and had a bitter taste to them, and Keith felt his skin itch, as if someone were rubbing burning sandpaper on his bare body. He understood. Of course, he understood.
"People are suffering and dying," Allura went on, whisper-shouting in frustration, "and we cannot help all of them. I know that. But we could be saving some of them, right now."
Now it was Keith's turn to lower his head. He partly agreed. It was a stupid mentality, sure, but he agreed.
"And I want you, Keith, and the others to forge your own paths as paladins. But I -", she swallowed down the lump in her throat and took a deep breath. "I cannot help but to compare you to the paladins of old."
Keith's head swung up at that. Allura's expression looked almost apologetic, expecting him to feel hurt by her words.
"I know it is wrong to hold you to such expectations."
"Allura," he said quietly, feeling pathetic just standing there and not knowing which words to pick.
"It's okay. I understand. I’m not blaming you."
She smiled again; this time a weak, sad smile that still didn’t quite reach her wet eyes. But it was a honest one.
“My planet – it’s gone,” Allura stammered, placing her hand on the edge of the table and hoisting herself up. Keith knew very well how strong she was, but right now he feared that her legs would slip away from under her at any moment.
“My people – they’re gone.”
She was still looking at Keith as her expression distorted, and the shimmering tears in her eyes were threatening to spill over.
‘No.’ Keith thought. ‘Please don’t cry.’
“My father is gone, Keith. And he’s not coming back.”
And one last attempt at holding herself together followed; one last, weak, silent plea for help, uttered in a voice that seemed so rough and fragile at once, before the first salty drop ran down her cheek.
“They’re all gone and I don’t know what to do.”
A second one followed. A third one. And another one, running down her chin and falling to the floor.
In that moment, Keith wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them and wrap his protective arms around Allura. He wanted to shield her from the world, even if all he could provide was a sheltering hug.
Allura's hand was balled into a fist at her side, and Keith did the first thing that came to his mind; He stepped forward, reaching out. She reluctantly unclasped her fingers and Keith entwined two of his with hers, wanting to give her something small to hold on to.
It was Allura that gave in and pulled him into a tight hug. Her nails clawed into the material of his clothes, shaky fingers grasping at his shirt and digging into the skin underneath. Keith was taken by surprise, but instinctively responded by grabbing her waist and shoulder and pulling her closer.
Allura hid her tear-stained face in the crook of his neck, and he could feel her trembling in his arms.
"I'm- Keith, I'm sorry," she said, although it sounded more like she was choking on her sobs. He tightened his arms around her.
More than anything in the universe he wanted to help Allura. Take some of the burdens off of her, lighten the load a little. She’d been carrying too much weight. Fighting too many battles on her own.
She was bound to crack.
"I didn't mean to dump this on you, I'm so, so -" Her sentence was interrupted by another violent sob, body betraying her.
"Allura," Keith croaked, voice sounding hoarse as well, "you have nothing to apologise for."
He wasn't one for big words. Never had been. And that was okay, because in Keith's book, actions mattered more than words. In Keith’s book, some pages were reserved especially for Allura, because he was still learning how to read her. Even though some parts of her would always remain a mystery to him, like missing puzzle pieces, or a thinly veiled picture.
And Keith was okay with that.
Seeing her fall apart like this in front of him wrenched his heart. She'd been suppressing her emotions for far too long - to hold herself together, to hold the team together. Out of all the people he knew, Allura was the last person he wanted to carry the burdens of the universe on her shoulders. And yet it seemed like she had been shielding it on her own.
“No, Allura. I’m sorry.”
It was his own way of offering comfort, and he closed his eyes and tightened his hold around her shoulders.
They stayed like that for a while; Allura crying, loudly at first, then quietly, then barely audible, Keith holding her close and whispering soothing little nothings in her ear.
He couldn't tell how slow or fast time was passing, but in the middle of Allura's stifled crying, something tugged on his finger lightly. The next second, one of the mice climbed Allura's shoulder and buried its face in her hair.
Keith wasn't sure if she noticed.
When Allura's sobs quieted down and no tears were left to shed, Keith loosened his grip and she slowly pulled away. He watched as she removed the ring from her finger and put it on the table. Worry was still plastered all over his face.
Platt had fallen asleep in the crook of Allura's neck. She brought a hand up to lift his tiny body and softly placed him next to the other three, murmuring something that sounded vaguely like 'Thank you'.
She turned around again, her drained gaze meeting Keith's concerned one, and a silent question was asked.
"Don't worry," he whispered as he took her by the hands and guided her over to the bed.
"I'll stay."
When Allura laid down, she tried to keep her eyes open, but exhaustion and sleep lulled her in. Her hair was sprawled on the pillow. She looked almost peaceful like this - lips slightly parted and chest rhythmically rising and falling. One strand of hair was in her face, right on the bridge of her nose. The tip moved slightly with every exhale, softly tickling Allura's cheek.
Keith thought it looked cute.
He sat down next to the bed, shifted in the cold chair and brought his head down on the silky mattress, burying his face in the covers.
They'd wake up in the morning, and things would seem alright again. Except that they wouldn't be. Keith knew that. But in that moment, as he felt Allura's warm hand against his, he made a resolve.
He'd do everything in his power to help her take on the universe.