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“Can you not talk?” is what Jaebum immediately blurts out when he and Mark first meet, because it’s Raymond Tuan who introduces the small boy and suggests that he and Jaebum should be friends.
Even at eight years old, Jaebum realizes that that’s probably not the most polite thing to say and promptly blushes a bright red, thankful that his mother is too engrossed in conversation with Mark’s parents to hear what he's just said.
But Mark laughs, unbothered, and it soothes his nerves. “I’m bad at Korean,” he says slowly in what is indeed very broken Korean. “Still learning.”
“Oh,” Jaebum says.
He’s growing slightly impatient, but this is his new neighbor – the first foreigner he’s ever met, which he naturally finds very exciting – and he doesn’t want to scare him away.
Instead, wondering if he’ll have a new friend at school after summer break ends, he asks, “How old are you?”
Mark opens his mouth, about to answer, then closes it. He bites his lip nervously as his brows furrow in thought before he visibly gives up and sheepishly holds up eight fingers.
“Me too!” Jaebum says excitedly. He doesn’t miss the way Mark lights up when he ignores his inability to verbally answer the question. “We’re going to go to school together!”
Mark grins. “Friends?” he asks, careful to pronounce the word correctly.
Jaebum grins, too. “Friends,” he agrees.
↯
“Go back to America, loser,” a loud voice sneers from behind them.
It’s not the first time anyone has ever addressed either of them that rudely, but it still takes both ten-year-olds by surprise. Jaebum grabs Mark’s wrist when the older boy’s steps falter; he tugs gently, making him walk faster, and frowns at the expression on his best friend’s face.
“Don’t listen to him,” he says quietly. “He’s dumb.”
“I know,” Mark tells him, although he’s fidgeting nervously and his eyes are downcast – both of which Jaebum have learned are sure signs that he’s upset. “It’s okay.”
“Mark – ”
“No, really.” Mark straightens and blinks himself back to reality. “I don't mind.”
Jaebum knows he's lying, but he says, “Okay,” anyway.
↯
They meet Jinyoung and Jackson at the local park when they’re twelve. The two boys are a year younger than them, and Jackson and Mark instantly form a bond that apparently comes from being both foreigners. Jaebum figures that it has to do with how Jackson knows it feels to be homesick and alone, and he has to grudgingly accept that he doesn’t.
Almost out of spite, he befriends the other native Korean. Jinyoung is kind and caring, if a bit manipulative, and surprisingly maternal for being the youngest of the four. It makes him mature and easy to talk to; Jaebum likes that.
If Mark notices Jaebum spending more and more time with Jinyoung, he doesn't say anything. He doesn’t seem to mind, anyway, since he and Jackson are just as close.
But unlike Mark, Jaebum is bothered.
He doesn’t like the way Jackson clings to Mark like a koala to a tree; he hates how it’s Jackson that Mark goes to when he's upset over missing home. He misses being inseparable, being the best of friends, and really, he just wants Mark back.
His chance to make that happen comes in the form of Jackson leaving to visit China for the summer. Jinyoung, who rarely goes anywhere without Jackson, decides to spend the break with his family.
Mark ends up at Jaebum’s house most days, lounging on his bed – although they’re not quite the same as they used to be – and it’s on one of those days that homesickness washes over him, unforeseen and worse than it usually does. He’s especially quiet that day, barely responding when Jaebum talks to him, and while the younger boy notices he’s not sure if he should acknowledge it.
It's only when Mark silences entirely that Jaebum offers an uncertain, “Are you okay?”
Mark tries to answer that, yes, he’s fine, but instead he breaks, turning away and burying his face in one of Jaebum’s pillows. Sobs wrack his body, relentless, and Jaebum thinks that if homesickness comes in waves then Mark must be drowning.
He panics, naturally, because it’s now usually Jackson who consoles Mark when he’s upset and Jaebum has no idea how to.
He gets up and sits down beside the older boy, pulling him into a warm hug as incoherent reassurances spill from his lips. Mark doesn’t stop crying, though, and he hears himself ask, “Do you – do you want me to call Jackson?”
The suggestion is hesitant, reluctant, and it’s out of desperation that Jaebum gives it. He can hardly believe that he’s accepted the loss of his best friend to someone else, but this is about Mark and not Jaebum, and what matters now is making Mark okay again.
To his surprise, Mark shakes his head immediately, burying his face in Jaebum's shoulder. “No.”
Jaebum's heart breaks when he feels tears seep through his shirt.
“What can I do for you?” he asks, hating that he even has to. “How can I help you, Mark?”
Mark sniffles and pulls him closer. “Just stay with me," he says, and it’s then that Jaebum realizes that he hasn't lost his best friend at all.
↯
“I hate this.”
“I know.”
“Why do we have to take that test anyway? It’s dumb.”
“You’re right.”
Jaebum doesn't know if he should be glad that Mark's agreeing with him or frustrated that he's being extremely nonchalant about it. “Everyone's going to fail. They know that.”
“It'll be okay,” Mark says, voice muffled by the pillow he's holding to his chest as he sinks lower into Jaebum's bed. “You always do well on these.”
“Yeah,” Jaebum says, although he doesn’t quite believe it. “Yeah.”
A beat.
“Come here,” Mark sighs, grabbing Jaebum's arm and yanking him onto the bed so that they're sprawled on top of each other. “Listen, you’re going to be fine. You always freak out before a test and you always get the highest score in the class. You will be fine, I promise.”
Jaebum groans and buries his face in his friend’s chest, although at fourteen Mark is still smaller and skinnier than Jaebum. “How can you promise that when you don't know?”
Mark smiles. “I do know,” he says, “because you always do well.”
That’s all the explanation he gives, but Jaebum understands, and he’s never run on blind faith before, but it’s alright because Mark has a tendency to do so for him.
(When they test the next week, Jaebum flies through the questions; he and Mark have studied so thoroughly that he knows the material like the back of his hand.
They get the test back a few days later, and he has an A to proudly show Mark.)
↯
“Mark?” Jaebum just about yells into the phone when he’s redirected to voicemail – again. “Where are you? I'm worried. Call me whenever you get this.”
He shuts his phone off and sighs, running a hand through his hair in a sudden burst of frustration. Mark was supposed to meet him after school – he always does, because they walk home together every day – but today, he isn’t here and it’s been a good half hour since school ended. Jaebum’s called him multiple times now and he hasn't picked up, either, so naturally the former is worried.
When his phone rings, breaking through the silence, it makes him jump. It’s Mark.
“Hello?” he says immediately after he picks up. “Mark? Where are you? Are you – ”
“Jaebum.”
That's Mark’s voice, but at the same time, it's not. Mark’s voice is soft and bright and happy, not this watery sound that's rough around the edges; something’s not right.
“Mark, where are you?” Jaebum presses. He turns on his heel, heading back into the school, hands starting to shake. “Mark, talk to me.”
“The science classroom,” Mark says, in that same voice, and it makes Jaebum shiver as he breaks into a run. “Can you – Jaebummie, please – ”
“I’m coming,” he says, feet slipping as he makes a sharp turn down the hallway. “I’ll be right there.”
“Please,” he hears Mark repeat, more to himself than to Jaebum, and he runs faster.
He skids to a stop in front of the science classroom, shoving past the door on his way in. Mark is on the floor at the other side of the room, trembling, covered with cuts and bruises. Jaebum's blood boils.
“Mark, what happened?” he demands, rushing over. He sinks onto his knees beside his friend to brush his hair out of his eyes and grab his hands. “Who did this?”
“Some seniors.” Mark pulls his knees closer to his chest. “I didn’t – we don’t know them.”
Jaebum swallows the lump in his throat. He wraps his arms around Mark’s shoulders, pointedly ignoring the wetness that immediately soaks through his shirt, and forces down the urge to find those seniors and rip their throats out.
He hates that, even at sixteen, Mark is still on the receiving end of relentless bullying for who he is. Jaebum thinks it's ridiculous; Mark is the same as everyone else even if he’s not native to Korea, and if anything, he’s better than the boys who mess with him.
Jaebum wonders if they're jealous – of his slight American accent, of how pretty he looks when he smiles – and thinks that it’s alarmingly possible that they are.
“It’s okay,” he hears himself say as he strokes Mark's hair, gentle. “It’s okay, I’m here. They can't hurt you anymore.”
I won’t let them, he thinks. They’re not ever going to touch you because I’m never leaving you alone again.
Mark sniffles. His hands are fisted around the fabric of Jaebum's shirt. “I know,” he says, although he sounds uncertain and still unlike himself.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Jaebum asks.
Mark bites his lip. “They cornered me,” he murmurs, “on my way to meet you.”
He stops there, but Jaebum understands; the seniors had attacked Mark without even being provoked. The realization makes Jaebum see red, growling. “I’m going to kill them.”
“You probably shouldn't do that,” Mark says, offering him a small smile. “I’ll be okay.”
It’s his voice rather than his words that soothe Jaebum, despite the fact that Mark is really the one in need of comfort. Jaebum continues to hold him, gentle but secure, and neither of them are particularly compelled to move.
“I’m sorry,” Mark says after a minute. It takes Jaebum by surprise.
“You’re sorry?” he repeats in disbelief. “For what?”
“For making you worry.”
Jaebum sighs and tightens his grip on his best friend because, really, that’s such a Mark thing to say.
“Let's get you home,” he says.
↯
“Jaebum!” Mark yells, knocking insistently on Jaebum's front door. “Jaebum, come here!”
“Coming!” Jaebum yells, scrambling down the stairs immediately because Mark never yells which means something’s happened –
He flings the door open, expecting to see his best friend bloodied and half-dead, and is surprised to find him very much okay and clutching a letter in his hand.
“What – ” Jaebum pants, staring, “What happened?”
“I got in,” Mark says, bouncing on his feet as he hands the letter over. “Jaebummie, I got in!”
Jaebum pauses for a second in confusion before understanding hits. He shrieks excitedly, grabbing Mark and pulling him into a tight hug.
(Silently he wonders when Mark got to be only an inch shorter than him, but he doesn’t voice it aloud.)
“I knew you would,” he breathes. “I'm so proud of you.”
Jaebum’s letter had come two days ago, but only now that Mark's acceptance is confirmed does it really set in. They’re eighteen, they’re grown up, they’re going to college – better yet, they’re going to college together.
Mark's smiling so wide Jaebum's sure his cheeks are going to hurt. “I’m proud of us,” he says. “We made it.”
↯
They’re not dormmates their freshman year of college, but Mark is just down the hall, so Jaebum doesn't complain.
Jaebum’s dormmate is a clumsy but intelligent boy named Namjoon, who’s majoring in engineering and is apparently best friends with Mark's roommate, Seokjin. As a result, Jaebum spends more time in Mark’s dorm than in his own because Seokjin and Namjoon are no less than inseparable.
(A few months later, Seokjin and Namjoon start dating, and Jaebum practically moves in with Mark after his third sleepless night.)
That year, Jaebum meets Youngjae, a high school junior who’s dual-enrolled at the college on a music scholarship. He and Mark easily fall in love with the younger boy’s bright personality and boisterous laugh, and it doesn’t take long for them to be as close to Youngjae as they are to Jinyoung and Jackson despite not having known him nearly as long.
Mark is the one with the brilliant idea to introduce everyone over frozen yogurt one weekend. He manages to convince Jinyoung and Jaebum, and that’s all it takes for all of them to agree to meet because Jinyoung has Jackson wrapped around his little finger and Youngjae practically worships the ground Jaebum walks on.
They meet on a cold Saturday in December at what Mark knows is Jaebum’s favorite frozen yogurt place. Jinyoung and Jackson are hesitant at first, but they end up loving Youngjae just as much as Mark and Jaebum do, and their group expands to five.
↯
Mark goes back to the States the summer before they’re college sophomores. He’s visibly excited even weeks before he leaves, and Jaebum isn’t sure how to feel about it.
Korea is Mark’s home now, and although it has been for over a decade, Mark still loves the thought of Los Angeles. It makes Jaebum wonder if that means he's such a bad best friend that Mark would rather be in America surrounded by strangers than in Korea with him, but the tight hug and mumbled I’ll miss you at the airport are reassurance enough that that’s not the case at all.
This is the first summer he’s spent without Mark since they were eight, and even with the other three boys he feels awfully alone. Mark doesn’t fail to talk to him constantly, though, so he doesn’t complain quite as much as he wants to.
Mark gets tanner and more toned with every Skype call, although he also looks increasingly tired, and the irony of the situation lies in that Jaebum only notices how attractive his best friend is from six thousand miles away.
Jaebum isn’t blind; he’s always silently acknowledged that Mark is fairly good-looking, along with the rest of his friends. He’s never seen Mark this way before, though, and now that he has he knows he’s never going back.
It’s that summer that Jaebum admits to himself that he’s very, very gay, although he isn’t sure if it’s due to the sight of Mark through his phone screen or the way Youngjae’s arms wrap around his waist after a loud day at the park with the boys. He's not stupid – he knows what the butterflies in his stomach mean, and he recognizes the fondness that dwells in his chest. He understands it all, and he's not afraid of it.
The first time he admits it aloud is in front of his bedroom mirror, and it’s more of an acceptance than a confirmation.
“I’m gay,” he says to his own reflection, quiet, closing his eyes as the words sink in. “I’m gay.”
There's no extravagant revelation; he doesn't have a dramatic realization of any sort. It's just there, the truth, and he accepts it.
Admitting it is hard for reasons he can’t put into words, although he knows that both his family and his friends will accept him just as easily as he’s accepted himself.
It’s alright, though, because when he tells Mark over the phone that night, his friend smiles at him, as gentle as ever, and before he even says anything Jaebum knows that everything is going to be fine.
“I am, too,” Mark admits, shameless, and Jaebum can’t help but grin back. “It’s okay.”
It's more of an everything will be okay than an it's okay that our giving and taking all happens up the ass, and somehow, Jaebum believes him.
(When he lets the others in on it a few days later, they all burst out laughing. Youngjae chokes out a me too through his laughter, trying to explain that they're all gay, while Jinyoung and Jackson link hands and wink at him.
He tells his family eventually, and although they stop for a minute to stare at him, his father smiles and his mother pulls him into a reassuring hug.
“We already knew you were,” she tells him, only half teasing. “We’ve seen you with Mark.”
Jaebum doesn’t bother to tell them that he and Mark aren’t together. He figures they already know that, too.)
↯
The next year, Youngjae introduces the four of them to two kids who are barely seventeen. Kunpimook – whose name they try profusely to correctly pronounce before they all give up and give in to the easier solution of calling him Bambam, as everyone else does – is another foreigner, which means that Jackson and Mark immediately adopt him as their child. Yugyeom, Bambam’s best friend, is an impressive dancer who’s initially shy but turns out to be hilarious when he grows comfortable enough around them and, all things considered, is still a kid. Jaebum isn’t too surprised to learn that Bambam and Yugyeom are longtime boyfriends, given the way they’re practically attached at the hip.
The group expands again, and this time, Jaebum has a feeling it's met its quota.
This year, Jinyoung and Jackson are also in college, which somehow makes things more hectic than they already were. Jaebum and Mark are dormmates – Namjoon’s proposed to Seokjin over the summer and has subsequently refused (albeit relatively politely) to let his fiancé stay with Mark – and the former is incredibly displeased to see the stress of the sophomore year of college on his best friend and how hard he works. Mark, who’s quiet and subtle and never complains about school, is always reading one of his heavy textbooks or researching or writing some paper that he refuses to put off. For the first time, Jaebum is the one begging him to slow down and just breathe.
Jaebum ends up eventually dragging the boys to a nearby bar, although he doesn’t admit that it’s mostly so that Mark won’t spend yet another Friday night frying his brain. Although they're not all old enough to drink yet, Bambam manages to get himself, Youngjae, and Yugyeom fake IDs that the bouncer barely even looks at, and soon Jaebum is too drunk to do much more than laugh about it.
He's not a lightweight, by any means, but he's stressed too and drinking is a nice release. He likes surrendering his control to the alcohol, even if it's just for one night.
(Mark, on the other hand, is definitely a lightweight, and by his second drink he's giggling uncontrollably and stumbling over his feet.
He's dressed casually but looks incredible under the dim lighting, and through a drunken haze Jaebum thinks that he's too precious for such an ugly world.)
It’s nearing two in the morning when Jaebum catches himself with his lips pressed against Youngjae’s and his fingers tangled in the younger boy’s hair. The pace is set almost too fast for both of them, but all it means is that there’s no time to regret what he’s doing.
He’s vaguely aware of Jackson pressing Jinyoung up against a wall, kissing him senseless, and of Yugyeom dancing to the booming music as Bambam watches appreciatively. Mark is slumped over in a seat, cheek squished against the hand that’s holding his face up from the table, asleep.
Jaebum retracts his tongue from down Youngjae’s throat, breathing hard, and presses his hands against the younger boy’s chest in a silent request to stop.
He isn’t quite sure why, but this doesn’t feel right.
“Jaebum-hyung,” Youngjae borderline whines, evidently more drunk than Jaebum is, and Jaebum has a feeling that the poor boy isn't going to remember anything the next morning.
“You're drunk,” Jaebum says, as if it's an explanation, and adds, for good measure, “and so am I, so we, uh, shouldn't do that.”
Youngjae starts to protest, but he's distracted as Bambam drags an exhausted Yugyeom toward them. Jaebum thanks whatever god is listening for the diversion.
“I think it’s time to go home,” the Thai boy says. He pointedly glances at Yugyeom, who’s sleepily swaying on his feet, and sends Jaebum a pleading look. “He's had a lot to drink.”
“Okay,” Jaebum agrees easily, ignoring Youngjae’s pout. “I’ll get the others.”
Jinyoung and Jackson make a brief fuss over having to cut their makeout session short, but they don’t put up much of a fight, evidently tired too. Jinyoung offers to drive Youngjae home, since he lives closest to him and Jackson’s staying at his place for the night, and Jaebum’s eternally grateful.
He scoops Mark into his arms, careful not to wake him, and leaves with a quick farewell to his friends, whose responses are halfhearted. Bambam is already dragging Yugyeom out the door and Youngjae and Jackson are cackling at Jinyoung, who’s glaring darkly at the new stain on his shirt.
Jaebum sets his best friend in the passenger seat of his car. He takes a minute to admire the way Mark’s lips are parted and the shadow of his lashes against his cheekbones, and is painfully reminded of just how gay he is.
↯
Youngjae confesses that he has feelings for Jaebum the same evening that Yugyeom comes over in tears.
Jaebum knows it’s cruel, but he’s grateful that Yugyeom’s unknowingly provided a distraction from the situation at hand. He asks Youngjae if they can talk about it later, when he and Mark have consoled their crying friend, and although the younger is obviously reluctant, he agrees and leaves.
When Jaebum closes the door and turns to his friends, Yugyeom has climbed into Mark’s lap and is sobbing into his shirt. Jaebum thinks drily that, because the high-schooler is so much taller, it would be a comical scene if the situation weren't so serious.
“What’s wrong?” Mark asks Yugyeom when the latter has calmed down enough to talk. Jaebum is impressed when he sees Yugyeom calm down just from the sound of Mark’s voice. Maybe, after so long, Jaebum is just immune to his best friend’s charm.
“We fought,” Yugyeom tells them miserably, and they don’t have to ask to know he’s talking about Bambam. “He – he said he hates me.”
Jaebum scoffs. Mark sends him a reproachful look.
“Why’d you fight?” Mark asks.
“Because I went out with some guys I dance with,” Yugyeom says, which Mark and Jaebum both cringe at in realization, “and he got jealous about it, and I told him he was overreacting, and then we – we started yelling, and he said that he hates me – ”
“That’s not true,” Mark assures him before he can dissolve into desperate cries again. “He loves you.”
Yugyeom shakes his head and turns away to hide the tears welling in his eyes again, his lower lip quivering, and Jaebum sighs.
“Yugyeom, listen to me for a second, okay?” he requests, not bothering to wait for an answer before he plows on. “Bambam could never hate you. He’s always going on and on about how great of a dancer you are, and how good you look in black, and how happy he is with you. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, kid, but that boy looks at you like you put the stars in the sky.”
Mark nods fervently as Yugyeom sniffles. “He adores you.”
“I don’t know,” Yugyeom says weakly. He starts to cry again, frustrated and angry and scared, saying, “I don’t know if he does anymore.”
There’s a knock from the other side of the door as Mark sighs and pets Yugyeom’s hair. Jaebum gets up to answer it, and when he looks through the peephole, he’s met with the sight of Bambam wringing his hands and bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet. Jaebum’s conflicted for a minute, unsure of what to do, before he hears Yugyeom muffle another sob into Mark’s shirt and decides to let Bambam in.
“Hyung,” the Thai boy says immediately when the door swings open. “Have you seen Yugyeom? We fought earlier and I said something I didn’t mean and he got really upset and left and I went to Youngjae’s place looking for them but he wasn't there and I can't find him and I think he might've hurt himself and I’m really fucking worried – ”
Jaebum sighs loudly to cut him off and steps aside. Jealousy flits over the Bambam’s expression for a second at the sight of his boyfriend in Mark’s lap, but it disappears almost instantly when he sees the tears streaming down Yugyeom’s face.
“Fuck,” he curses before rushing over immediately – Jaebum’s heart hurts a little when he sees the way Yugyeom flinches – and sitting down next to Mark, who transfers Yugyeom into Bambam’s arms. “I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry, don’t cry – ”
“Me too,” Yugyeom chokes out. “I’m sorry too.”
Jaebum and Mark both pretend not to see the tear that makes its way down Bambam’s cheek as he wipes Yugyeom’s cheeks. “I didn’t mean what I said,” Bambam says. “You’re not a shitty boyfriend, you don’t treat me horribly, I don’t hate being with you – ”
“You said that?” Jaebum can’t stop himself from saying as he snorts. “No wonder he was so upset.”
Mark stifles a giggle; Bambam glares. Yugyeom cracks a watery smile, wrapping his arms around Bambam’s waist.
“So you – so you don’t hate me?” he asks in a small voice.
“Why would I hate you?” Bambam asks, frowning. His eyes go wide. “Did I say I did?”
Yugyeom nods meekly, chin trembling dangerously again. “Y-yeah.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Bambam whispers, pulling the other boy impossibly closer to his chest. “I was just angry. Of course I don’t hate you.”
All Yugyeom says to that is “Okay,” but the despondence is gone from his voice, and Jaebum and Mark grin at each other when the couple isn’t looking. Bambam thanks them both before leaving with Yugyeom’s hand in his.
Jaebum lets himself flop onto Mark’s bed as the door shuts behind the high-schoolers, exhaling loudly. “We weren’t that dramatic in high school, were we?”
Mark laughs. “I hope not.” His expression shifts slightly, worry taking over as he starts to pick at his neatly trimmed nails. “What’re you going to say to Youngjae, though?”
Jaebum had forgotten about that.
“I don’t know,” he says honestly.
Mark’s words are careful. “Do you like him back?”
Jaebum ponders the question. He thinks of Youngjae’s lips on his that one drunken night and of Youngjae’s voice belting out ballads during the boys’ karaoke night when Mark had been in California and they had all been incredibly bored.
At the same time, though, he thinks of how angelic Mark had looked that night at the bar and of the fact that while the other five boys had spent the night yelling the lyrics to their favorite songs, he’d spent it missing Mark so badly that it had physically hurt.
Understanding washes over Jaebum. He doesn’t know how to put into words the way he feels about Mark, but he knows he’s being sincere when he says, “No,” in response to Mark’s question.
Jaebum is too proud of having come to his revelation to notice the way Mark visibly relaxes at his answer and intertwines their hands in a gesture that’s probably only meant to be encouraging.
“Tell him the truth, then,” Mark says softly, looking away and consequently missing the way Jaebum’s eyes trail reverently over his features. Jaebum smiles and tugs on his best friend’s hand until Mark lays down next to him.
It’s incredible, Jaebum thinks, how their bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle, but he'd rather die than say that out loud.
“Thank you,” he murmurs against Mark’s hair, “for the advice.”
Mark hums sleepily, already dozing off, and Jaebum wonders when he’d developed such a soft spot for him.
↯
Jaebum’s never thought about it, but in all the years that he's known Mark, they've never fought.
There's a first for everything, though, and in retrospect, Jaebum should've seen it coming.
The first fight that they have in all of their nearly fifteen years of friendship happens a few weeks before school lets out. Jaebum’s up reading a novel he's borrowed from Jinyoung – they have surprisingly similar taste in literature – late at night when Mark staggers tiredly into their dorm room, arms full of books.
“Where have you been?” Jaebum asks, sitting up straighter in his bed.
“At the library,” Mark says. He dumps his books on his desk, arranging them until they're in a neat stack. Jaebum is incredulous.
“At half past eleven?”
“I fell asleep while I was studying.” Mark sounds embarrassed. “It's not a big deal.”
“You need to stop overworking yourself,” Jaebum sighs. “This is getting out of hand.”
“It's not that bad. I’m fine.”
Maybe it's the fact that all of his concern and worry has accumulated over the course of the school year; maybe it's the stress of upcoming finals getting to his head. Jaebum doesn't know why, but suddenly, he’s angry.
“No, you're not,” he snaps. Mark looks up, surprised at his outburst. “You've been working way too hard and not eating enough and hardly sleeping – ”
“That's not true,” Mark protests. “I’m taking care of myself just fine, Jaebum.”
Jaebum scoffs. “I’m your dormmate – I’m your best friend! You think I haven't noticed that you're losing weight? You think I don't see your eye bags – for fuck’s sake, they could be designer! I wouldn't know the difference!”
“Well, I – ” Mark starts before backtracking. “Finals are soon and I need to – ”
“Finals don't come before your fucking health, Mark!”
“I’m not – ”
“Yes, you are! You're skipping meals, staying up late, constantly at the library – you think I don't notice all that? You think we all don't?”
“What are you talking about?” Mark asks, exasperated.
It's like a dam is burst then; everything Jaebum has been holding back suddenly comes rushing forward and he's powerless to stop it.
“Yugyeomie and Bambam haven't seen you in months,” he says, tripping over the words as his throat clogs. Mark immediately dons a guilty expression as realization washes over him. “They call me all the time asking if they can talk to you, but you're never around. Whenever Youngjae or Jinyoung ask if we can all meet up again, I always have to – have to tell them that you're at the library and that the five of them are going to have to sort it out themselves, because you know what I’m like when I’m with friends and you're not there.”
“I – I know, I’m sorry,” Mark is apologizing, his voice unsteady, but Jaebum isn't done.
“Jackson was upset the other day,” he goes on, harsh, “because of some fight he and Jinyoung had. He called you but you didn't pick up, so he called me and asked where you were. You know what I had to tell him?”
Mark bites his quivering lip. He’s looking very pointedly away from Jaebum, and it gives the younger a sick sort of satisfaction.
“I had to tell him you were at the library,” he says, “studying.”
He doesn't say anything more, but Mark’s blinking rapidly, evidently trying to hold tears back. A few escape anyway, and the smugness in Jackson’s chest dissolves, only to be replaced with guilt. The thought hits him like a brick that Mark is only trying to do well in school and probably doesn't even realize he's neglecting his friends while he's working at it.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Jaebum hears himself say. “I didn't – I didn't mean – ”
He reaches out, only for Mark to flinch back, and he's forcefully reminded of Yugyeom’s reaction when Bambam had said things he hadn't meant. He wonders if Bambam had felt this way.
“No, it's – it's my fault,” Mark says. “I didn't mean to shut all of you out – I was trying to do my best, and I thought I was doing the right thing, staying away – ”
“Why?” Jaebum demands, not even caring when his voice cracks.
“I’m not exactly ideal company,” Mark says quietly. Another tear runs down his cheek. “I – I thought it'd be better if I stopped bothering you guys until I – ”
“You idiot,” Jaebum interrupts, grabbing his best friend and pulling him into a tight hold that they both need. “We fucking love you.”
Mark chokes on his own tears; Jaebum is startled to find that he's crying too. It’s the first time Mark’s ever seen him cry, and immediately the other boy’s fingers are frantically wiping at his cheeks and rubbing his back.
“I know,” Mark says, hiccuping. “I just forget sometimes.”
Some best friend you are, the tiny voice in Jaebum’s head sneers at him.
“I’m sorry,” Mark goes on, “for worrying you. I didn't realize – ”
“It's okay,” Jaebum says, although some part of him loudly protests that it's not. He hiccups. “Just – just take care of yourself from now on,” he adds feebly.
“Okay,” Mark agrees, and then they're both crying and clutching each other, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. Jaebum hiccups and hides his face in Mark’s shoulder, and Mark’s fingers are trembling as they stroke his hair.
(It’s Mark who first succumbs to sleep, body slumping over and droopy eyes shutting. Jaebum carefully lays him on the bed and curls up next to him, throwing an arm around his waist.
He's missed this.)
↯
When Bambam goes to Thailand the next winter, Jaebum finds himself dragged to a multitude of Yugyeom’s dance competitions. He’s the only other one in their group who appreciates dance the way Yugyeom does, although he’s nowhere near as good, and he has to admit that Yugyeom really is an incredible dancer.
It’s on the way home from one of those competitions that he gets a call from a frantic Jinyoung.
“Hyung,” he hears through the phone, “hyung, we need you, it’s Mark – ”
“What?” Jaebum asks, immediately on edge. He sees Yugyeom’s brows furrow in confusion. “Jinyoung, slow down, what happened?”
“I don’t know,” Jinyoung says, choking; he’s crying, Jaebum realizes with a start. “Mark-hyung and Jackson and Youngjae and I went to the park and then M-Mark-hyung collapsed and we don’t know what happened – ”
“Where are you?”
“The hospital,” Jinyoung answers before Jackson and Youngjae’s voices sound in the background, panicked and tearful. It does nothing to help soothe Jaebum’s nerves. “Hyung, come quickly.”
“I’m on my way,” he says, and, scared to hear more of the way Jackson is sobbing, hangs up.
“What’s going on?” Yugyeom asks.
(Jaebum thinks dimly that only a year ago, Yugyeom would be on the verge of tears with worry, but now he’s older, stronger, and he’s calm despite the obvious concern on his face. Jaebum doesn’t quite know how to deal with his revelation.)
“Mark’s in the hospital,” Jaebum grinds out. “We’re going to go see him.”
It’s only when Yugyeom puts a hand over his that he realizes how hard he’s clutching the steering wheel. “He’ll be okay, hyung,” Yugyeom says, quiet, an almost painful reminder of the way Mark comforts Jaebum when he’s upset. “He’s Mark-hyung, you know? He’s going to be fine.”
Jaebum thinks he knows what Yugyeom means.
When they run into the hospital later, clutching each other’s hands in a silent display of comfort, it’s all a blur. Yugyeom blurts out Mark’s name to the lady at the front desk and barely lets her speak before dragging Jaebum off; the others are in the waiting room when they stumble out of the elevator, all in tears. Yugyeom’s hand is shaking in Jaebum’s as Youngjae attaches himself to the latter and refuses to let go. Jinyoung explains tearfully that none of them have any idea why Mark had passed out, but Jaebum wonders if, even though Mark has stopped pushing them away ever since their fight, he’s still been working just as hard and forgetting to take care of himself. The thought of it makes Jaebum wants to be sick.
A doctor comes and calls Mark’s name, looking slightly overwhelmed when all six boys stand up, and explains to them that Mark is perfectly fine aside from his extreme fatigue. But he also says that Mark is dehydrated, sleep-deprived, and underweight enough that they should be worried, and Jaebum has to swallow the bile in his throat.
They all rush into his room, worried but relieved; Jackson is the first to rush to his side and touch him as if making sure he’s real, already in tears again. Yugyeom moves next, climbing onto the bed beside Mark and wrapping long arms around his shoulders. Mark smiles at them all and apologizes, reaching out to take Jinyoung and Youngjae’s hands, and they all can’t help but smile back at him.
Mark looks at Jaebum, visibly nervous, and Jaebum feels all of his resentment disappear.
“I thought you were going to take care of yourself,” he grumbles, but he slips in beside Yugyeom, craving the feel of Mark’s skin beneath his fingers, and holds on tight. “You said you would.”
“I know,” Mark says softly. “I did, for a while, but junior year’s been tough and I – I got carried away. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Jaebum sighs. He slings an arm around Yugyeom, who’s laying his head on Mark’s shoulder, and thanks whatever entity is up there for letting Mark be okay. Mark hums in acknowledgement and tugs the rest of the boys onto the bed. It’s small and bordering on uncomfortable, but none of them care.
They don’t move until Yugyeom’s phone goes off and he falls off the bed in surprise. They all laugh while he picks up and tells Bambam that, yes, the dance competition went well, and explains what’s going on. Bambam then demands to talk to Mark, and Jaebum just about melts at the affection in the Thai boy’s voice when he’s assured that Mark is fine. He’s so in love with his boys.
(When Mark smiles at him, though, he thinks that he doesn’t quite love them all the same way.)
↯
Jaebum makes sure to keep an extra careful eye on Mark after he’s released from the hospital. Mark doesn’t complain or question it; he seems to know what Jaebum’s thinking.
“Jaebummie?” he says one day when Jaebum’s forcing him to stay home and relax. They’re sprawled over Jaebum’s bed, basking in each other’s presence. “Can I ask you something?”
Jaebum hums, lazily throwing an arm across Mark’s waist. “Sure.”
“Do you remember the first time we met?”
Jaebum grins. “I asked if you couldn’t talk.”
“You did,” Mark laughs. “I’d almost forgotten.” He’s quiet for a minute before he goes on, “You know what I can’t forget, though?”
“What?”
“When you asked me how old I was, and I didn’t know how to respond, and you didn’t care.”
Jaebum remembers that. He remembers how Mark had had to hold up his fingers as an answer, and he remembers his own nonchalant response. It hadn’t seemed like a big deal at the time, but apparently it was to Mark. He melts at the thought of Mark remembering that too after all this time, but he doesn’t tell him so.
Instead, he says, “It would’ve been an ass move to make fun of you for it.”
“I know,” Mark says, “but there were people who did, at school.”
“You never told me about that,” Jaebum says, frowning.
Mark shrugs. “It was never a big deal.”
It dawns on Jaebum that Mark has more secrets than he’s let on, but Jaebum can’t bring himself to be angry about it. He just hopes he’ll learn all of them, one day.
“I’m really glad I have you, you know,” Mark says then, casual but careful. “I don't know what I would've done without you, and not just because I was practically illiterate for the first year I was here.”
He quiets then, evidently lost in thought, and Jaebum doesn’t know what to say. Mark, despite never failing to make Jaebum feel important and loved, is never particularly vocal with gratitude. None of the boys are, aside from maybe Youngjae, who constantly lets them know that he loves them.
Presently Mark’s eyes are wistful, and Jaebum is close enough that he could count his lashes if he tried. Jaebum stares openly at him – at the curve of his nose, at the hollows of his cheeks, at the way his lips are turned up in the slight smile that Jaebum’s had imprinted in his mind for years – and wonders if he’s an angel, because he’s never seen another human being so beautiful.
It’s like Jaebum is standing on the edge of a precipice, somewhere between uncertainty and understanding. He thinks that if this is what it feels like to fall, he wouldn’t mind jumping.
“Jaebummie?” Mark asks, drawing him back to reality. He sits up, and Jaebum follows. “Still here?”
Jaebum swallows the sigh that starts to slip off his tongue. “Y-yeah.”
Mark frowns. “Are you okay? You look a little distr – ”
“Can I kiss you?” Jaebum blurts out, unable to stop himself.
Mark freezes. Jaebum wonders if he's going to say no or violently push him away, but Mark nods, seemingly numb with shock, and Jaebum wastes no time.
Mark’s lips are as soft as they look. It’s obvious that he doesn’t have much – if any – experience with kissing, but Jaebum hardly notices that through the pure, unadulterated ecstasy coursing through his veins. It’s like their lips were molded to fit perfectly against each other’s, and Jaebum pulls Mark’s body closer.
Then Mark is pushing at his chest, soft but insistent, and as he pulls back Jaebum wonders if he’s the only one who feels the way he does.
“Wait, ” Mark pants, “we can’t do this. It’s not right.”
Jaebum’s heart sinks. He knows it’s not, damn it, because Korea is still so narrow-minded and there are so few people who understand, but there’s just something about Mark that makes none of that matter.
It’s always been Mark, really, and Jaebum realizes with a start that he’s not on the edge at all. He’s already been falling.
Jaebum is so, so in love, and he hasn't realized it until now.
“Right,” he says anyway, although his voice doesn’t sound like his own. “Right.”
Mark looks scandalized. “No – no, that’s not what I meant,” he says quickly. “Look, I know you’re too good of a person to mess with someone’s feelings, but I can’t – I can’t do this if you don’t feel the same way, okay?”
Jaebum, who’s taken to staring at the floor, looks up immediately. “What are you talking about?”
Mark sighs. “You deserve to know, don’t you?” he says resignedly, although it’s more to himself than to Jaebum. He turns away, fidgeting with his hands, and Jaebum can hear his heart pounding in his ears.
“Know what, Mark?”
Mark bites his lip.
“I’m in love with you,” he whispers after a minute. He pulls his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them, curling into a ball in the way that Jaebum knows he only does when he’s especially distressed. “I think I’ve always been.”
Jaebum stares at him.
“You don’t – you don’t have to feel the same way,” Mark says swiftly, as if he’s ripping a band-aid off his own wound and just wants to do it as quickly as he can. “Don’t feel pressured to. I just – you deserve to know.”
“Are you blind?” Jaebum demands when he finds his voice. Mark blinks and turns to him, confused. “Mark, what the – you think I kissed you just for the hell of it?”
“Well – ”
“You think I don’t feel the same way?”
Mark freezes. “What?”
It’s on a random burst of courage and through the immense relief clouding his mind that he grabs Mark, turning him so that they're face to face, cupping his sharp jaw with large hands and pulling him close so quickly that Mark makes a strangled noise in surprise.
Jaebum lets his eyes roam the older boy’s face for a good, long minute, taking in every curve and color, and swallows the you're beautiful on replay in his head.
“I’m in love with you too,” he breathes, pulling Mark in for another kiss, and while it’s slower, softer, sweeter, Jaebum thinks that kissing Mark feels like coming home.
Mark wraps his legs around Jaebum’s waist when they part, burying his face in Jaebum’s shoulder. Jaebum waits for him to speak.
A meek “You are?” is all Mark gives, and Jaebum laughs.
“Yes,” he says, reveling in the feel of Mark’s body so close to his. “So much.”
Mark smiles. “I love you,” he says, like he’s testing the words, and laughs happily like he likes it. “I love you.”
Jaebum loves him too, if the spreading warmth in his chest is any indication, and he tells him so.
They sit in silence, pressed against each other, until Jaebum lets out a chuckle.
“What?” Mark asks, although there’s a smile on his lips, and it makes Jaebum laugh again. “What’s funny?”
Jaebum shakes his head, pulling back to kiss Mark’s forehead. “It’s just – it’s you.”
“I’m funny?” Mark sasses. He giggles delightedly when Jaebum breaks into a grin and shoves him lightly.
“That’s not what I meant,” Jaebum says. “It’s always been you, hasn't it? I just never noticed.”
“Yeah,” Mark says, like he knows exactly what Jaebum means. Jaebum thinks that he probably does.
Then Jaebum says, “God, I love you,” pulling Mark back against him – Mark shrieks in surprise, and Jaebum ignores the way his stomach does a funny acrobatic flip at the impossibly endearing sound – for no reason other than wanting to have Mark’s lips back on his, and he thinks vaguely that he could stay in this moment forever.
(When they tell their friends over dinner that they’re together, no one is surprised. Jinyoung and Jackson simultaneously say, “We know,” and Bambam jokes that they can really be the parents of the group now. Even Youngjae, whose reaction Jaebum has been fearing, grins and says he’s seen it coming ever since Jaebum’s rejection nearly two years ago.
Only Yugyeom is quiet, and Mark looks nervous.
“Do you have a problem with us being together?” Jaebum asks, intertwining his fingers with Mark’s under the table. “Yugyeom – ”
“Of course I don’t,” Yugyeom scoffs, breaking into a grin. “I’m just surprised.”
Bambam snorts. “Really?”
“Not that they’re together,” Yugyeom clarifies. “They act like an old married couple. I just thought they’d already been dating for the past two years.”
Mark’s blush makes Jaebum melt, and as he slings an arm over his boyfriend’s shoulders, he can’t believe he hasn’t realized that it was Mark all along.)