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Vic phoned me again, I didn’t answer, again. The voicemail was the same, “Call me when you get this.” Of course, she knows I won’t. I can’t. I can’t do it to myself, not again. If I speak to her I know I will go back, and I can’t do that to myself. I can’t do that to him, he doesn’t need to be caught in the middle of two waring parents, not when the answer to it is so obvious, I don’t need to be there.
They say people are fight or flight people, I am definitely a flight person. I ‘flew’ when I first got pregnant, I could bear to see my sister, and my dad, each day. Knowing what I had done, knowing that she wanted another baby. The shame and humiliation I felt, I swore to myself on my travels that I wouldn’t do that again. I wouldn’t sleep with Robert Jacob Sugden again. I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I would settle down and find someone who loved me, who loved me for me and not because we have good sex.
Then I met Ross, I knew that I didn’t have a future with him, but it was fun. He knew it was never serious, both our hearts belonged to someone else, mine belonged to Robert, no matter how much I tried to change that, and his belonged to Debbie. I couldn’t help myself, I tried to say no but I couldn’t. He knew me, we had been together tons, he knew what would get me to bed and I didn’t have the will power to say no.
I ‘flew’ again when I got pregnant the second-time round, but I came back. I was hopeful that it would have changed me, that I could stand my own ground. I was happy for the first time in a while, I think I was finally over the abortion. I was looking forward to the future, mine and my son’s future, I was finally over Robert. He treated me like shit, and it was like I was awoken from a sleep. I wanted my son to know his father, I wanted them to have a relationship. I wanted my son to know his family. As the time went on, I came to the realisation that he couldn’t, he wouldn’t. He would choose Aaron every time, over his own flesh and blood. He would say and do anything to get his husband, including verbally abusing me. I could take it, I would have taken being called a slut and a tramp, but I wanted more, not for me, but for him. So, I left. In the middle of the night, packed everything I needed and got onto the next plane to Dubai, and then Australia, with no intention of returning.
He’s three weeks old now, Freddie. He was born on the 6th December 2017, with ten fingers and ten toes. He was perfect, so fucking perfect. I emailed Vic a picture, I felt that it was probably polite, considering it’s because of her I had him. Chrissie is coming up to visit me soon, she says she’s booked a flight for next week, but for the time being it’s just the two of us. He’s such a lovely baby, hardly ever cries. When I look at him, I think that things may actually be looking up, that we will survive. A small part of my heart hurt’s though, a little part because of what Robert is missing but mostly because of what I did, what I missed out on because Robert pressured me to abort our first child.
Chrissie went to Dubai, after dad died. She went to join Tim, and it’s going well. Apparently. She’s got family now, she has her uncle. I only had her a dad, and now she’s so far away I just have my infant son, but that’s OK. Plenty of people are single parent’s, I can do it. I have to, because he is all I have and I love him more than I love myself, and more than life itself. He is the most precious thing in my life.
I hope Robert feels as much pain and hurt as I do. I am all alone, which is my choice, I made the decision to sleep with him, it was consensual, but I ignored his wishes to abort him, and in that decision, I assigned myself to be a single mum, knowing full well that I wouldn’t have any support from him, as I am a home wrecker. I think he should look at himself, it wasn’t rape. It was consensual. We both wanted it, maybe if I had been stronger. We were both drunk, and in need of a friend. And that’s what we were to one another, just like the old days. When things when wrong for one of us we would fall into the others bed, and it worked for us. Except, this time it was different. I was older, he was older. Not that the sex had any feeling, it’s purely just physical. It was never this emotional crap that they talk about, not for me. This time I struggled with the baby, I wanted to be a mum. Three years ago, I couldn’t. This time I thought maybe I could, I don’t know if I would get the chance again. It was so much harder this time, because it happened so quick last time. I was 8 weeks, and within the week it was done. I didn’t really have time to think about it, this time it was different.
Maybe because it wasn’t me ruining my sister’s marriage, that I felt like I could keep the baby. The fact that dad and Chrissie would be pissed but they would get over it, and they would support me. Or so I thought, months ago. Maybe it’s just because I was scared of the pain, it was really painful, and Robert was useless. Maybe it’s because I wanted to get back at him, he always gets everything. I am always the one who suffers, I know the village thought I was a tramp, but it was unfair. I slept with him once, but because Aaron is a Dingle, it automatically makes me public enemy number one.
Maybe it was because someone knew. Maybe deep down I was worried what Vic would think, once she found out. I mean I wasn’t even friends with her, but she took me in. She basically told me I could do it, and last time I didn’t have that. I had friends, but I wouldn’t have dared told them, I didn’t want people knowing. It was private, I was mortified when Vic worked it out, so the whole pregnancy started off differently, I had someone to talk to I suppose, last time Robert was far too busy trying to hide it from Chrissie, I was so alone. This time, I was able to communicate my feelings, I suppose.
Vic sent me an email, giving me an update on the village, apparently Aaron and Robert are together, not that I am surprised about that. I knew that they would always come back to one another, they love each other, and Robert loving someone, in my experience, is pretty rare. He didn’t love me, and he didn’t love Chrissie, he loved dad’s money.
Robert told me time and time again that he would be able to get his life back on track if I wasn’t in the village, dangling his son in front of him. Me parading around with my bump apparently reminds him of what we did, and it would be much more convenient for him if I were to just disappear, so he could go back to playing happy families with Aaron. I did a lot of thinking, while I was there, when I sat in my dad’s hospital room, when I lay in bed at night. I figured that needed to find what I wanted to do with my life, not what Robert wanted me to-do, or what Victoria wanted me to-do. I needed to find what I wanted, I needed to be happy before I could bring up my son. It wouldn’t be fair for him to have me moping about because I can’t get over his dad, and walking around the village, seeing both of them, wasn’t going to give me peace of mind. I needed to-do something, so I left.
She tells me that Adams left, I send my commiserations, at one point it looked like they were going to be together, Moira’s baby proved to be too much for him apparently. It reminds him that he is probably never going to be able to have a baby himself. I get where he’s coming from though, if I had been told I could never have kids I don’t think I could stay with someone with a new-born. Especially not my mum and her ex-husbands baby.
She tells me that she’s shown Robert a photo of Freddie, and she can tell that he really wants to meet his son. I reply that when he contacts me, we can discuss that, knowing full well he won’t. He doesn’t want his son, he doesn’t want me. We won’t ever be a family, even if mine was so dysfunctional, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world, I was loved by my mum and dad. I have more than my son has, his dad can’t stand the sight of him, because of me. It just doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem fair. If Robert wanted to see his son, he could. I am only a message away. He hasn’t even acknowledged his son’s birth, I informed him, I sent him a WhatsApp message, I saw that he read it.
He is all me, Freddie. He is my doppelganger, apart from his eyes, they are all his fathers. Every time I look into them I think of his father. They were my favourite thing about him, it was the first thing I feel for. Not that it was some great love story, I don’t know what I am going to tell Freddie, when he asks because he will, we didn’t have any great love story. It wasn’t love at first sight, it was lust at first sight. We fell into bed together, multiple times. We never dated, I don’t think Robert ever reciprocated the feels I felt for him, I don’t think he ever really cared about me, as he told me multiple times throughout my pregnancy I was just there. I was quick and easy, things that I can’t tell my son. That it was just a quick fuck, I don’t even have the story of having this great love affair, like mum and Chrissies dad, it was just a casual hook-up gone wrong.
I wished Robert would be more than just a financial contributor to his son. I would love it more than anything if we would see his son, but I know that’s unrealistic and it’s not going to happen anytime soon. I am over him now, I don’t understand how he can just forget about his son, at least Chrissie knows she was wanted by her father, and he tried. I wish that he would love him, not even me. I just wish that he would accept his son, acknowledge that Freddie is his son, because he is. I thought about adding Jack to his name, but decided against it, Robert made it clear that he’s my son, not our son. He has his life, and I have mine, and ours should never cross again. I am learning to cope with that, I don’t think I will ever be able to understand it. But I don’t have to, I just have to accept it.