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The club was crowded, it being the first Friday night of the new semester. It was the only gay club in walking distance of the uni, and it was loud and bright with every different walk of life in attendance.
Harry was seated in a booth with Louis, sipping on something blue that tasted extremely sweet, though he'd forgotten the name. He was in his first year, and he was infinitely glad that he had his best friend along for the ride. And of course, that afternoon Louis had sent him a text saying that they needed to go out, now that they were college boys. Harry was nervous, though he just couldn't say no.
“That guy over at the bar is looking at you,” Louis leaned across the table and nodded his head to the right.
“What? Don't start this. I'm not looking to whore myself out on my first weekend in London, Lou,” Harry sighed, not even bothering to look.
Louis frowned. “I never said you had to! I'm just stating fact that that tall, dark beauty of a man is checking you out.”
“That's lovely.”
Moments later Louis excused himself to the washroom and Harry sat quietly nursing his drink, scanning the room and admiring the happy, crazy atmosphere. He felt so grown up, and that feeling excited him. He was looking forward to everything his new independence would bring him: new friends, new hang-outs, new experiences...
It was then that he noticed Louis standing over by the bar, talking to a guy and gesturing towards the booth. Heat rushed in to Harry's cheeks as the guy turned in his direction and began the journey over. Louis was a true piece of shit.
“Hello. Mind if I sit here?” A smooth voice asked. It took all Harry had to tear his eyes away from the wooden table and look up at him, though when he did his jaw went a bit slack. The man standing beside him was tall with dark hair like Louis had described. He had wide shoulders, with hints of bulky muscle visible under his university t-shirt. He had a thousand watt smile that sent a tingle down Harry's spine.
“Of course not. Go ahead.”
He set his beer down on the table and slid on to the bench opposite Harry. “I'm Adam.”
Harry wiggled in to his fifth pair of jeans while standing in front of the floor-length mirror on the back of his closet door. He twisted himself around, eyeing his skinny legs and slightly chubbier thighs. The denim hugged his bum, but not like his favourite jeans, however those were in line to be washed because he'd worn them too much, and -
“No,” he breathed, reaching to undo the button and try again. As he slid down his zipper, however, he heard the sound of a key in his flat door.
“Hello?” The sound of Niall's voice echoed through the apartment, and Harry's heart started to do that thing where it began to beat rapidly and his entire body got tingles. “Are you hiding from me again?”
He quickly did up his jeans once more, a bit frustrated that he had to settle. He heard soft footfalls in the hallway and scrambled for his coat and wallet on the bed. He tripped over a stray jumper and gracelessly righted himself with the help of his bedside table.
“Are you alright in there?”
Just as the doorknob was turning, Harry ripped it open and slid through the small gap, hiding the mayhem of his room from the blond standing before him. “I'm fine! Was in a bit of a rush to get ready, is all.” He grinned, shutting his bedroom door behind him.
Niall grinned, flashing his mouth full of metal. “Why doesn't that surprise me?”
Harry had actually spent the previous two hours getting himself ready, but what Niall didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
They had been dating for two months since the fateful day in the coffee shop down the street when Niall stole Harry's tired heart. They'd gone at a good pace, getting to know each other and all the little important details. Harry had quickly found out how much Niall enjoyed food, like really enjoyed it, and that he had taught himself how to play the guitar. In return Harry had told Niall everything he wanted him to know, and prayed that it was enough.
Oh, and Harry might have given him a key to his flat just the other week, but it was only so Niall could let himself in if Harry were otherwise indisposed.
They were on their way to Louis' for a small get-together, and it was the first time that Harry's best friend would be meeting his new boyfriend. He wasn't sure why he'd waited so long to introduce them. Louis had seen pictures, and heard stories, but Harry was waiting until he was sure – really sure – before he allowed Niall in to the rest of his life.
“You look amazing,” the blond said as he slid his arms around Harry's waist and pulled him in.
“Yeah?” He asked, accepting Niall's offered peck on the lips.
“Of course. You always do. Some day I'm going to dress you in a paper bag and take you out on the town and show you off,” Niall teased, nuzzling Harry's neck.
He frowned. “I wouldn't look that great in a paper bag.”
“You would, because the clothes have nothing to do with it. You're beautiful.”
Harry felt his heart flutter in his chest. It had been doing that a lot as of late. Every time Niall opened his mouth Harry's heart soared like he never thought it could, because the words spilling out of his lips were things he hadn't heard in a long, long time.
Harry was stood in front of his mirror, tugging at the hem of his white button-up shirt. He had just finished styling his hair, having put some cream in it to make it in to a controlled mess, swept up off of his forehead in a small quiff. He had opted for something new, and Louis had sent back a thumbs-up emoji just minutes before so he felt confident that it looked okay.
Adam was inviting his friends over, and Harry had never met them. He wanted to make a good impression, so he'd tidied the house when he'd gotten back from class, and had spent some time on himself. He had put on his new skinny jeans, a slim white t-shirt, and had finished off with his paper airplane pendant around his neck. If he was honest, he looked good.
He heard the door of the flat open and he practically raced out to meet his boyfriend, hoping for a thumbs up from him as well.
He didn't get one, though. Adam stopped to look at him as he dropped his bag of text books on the floor. “Is that what you're wearing tonight?”
Harry could actually feel his heart drop in to his stomach. He could barely choke out a response. “I... I was thinking it looked alright.”
“I'm having friends over, we're not going out to a club.” The taller man shrugged his jacket off and hung it on the hook by the door. “There's no need for the tight trousers. They look a bit ridiculous.”
Harry followed him as he went in to the kitchen, feeling a bit frustrated as he swallowed around the lump in his throat. “I don't see what the big deal is. I like them -”
Adam rounded on him. “I told you already: my friends don't exactly know that I'm gay!” He exclaimed. “They don't know about us. They don't know that you have a drawer of your things here. So... can you just change? Look a little more normal?”
Harry winced a bit at the 'normal'. When Adam saw it his face softened and he held out his arms, gesturing for Harry to come forward. “I'm sorry, babe. I just want them to like you, okay?”
Harry nodded in to his jumper. “Yeah, of course. I wasn't really thinking, I guess.”
“You alright?” Niall asked and Harry jumped, having realized he'd been off in his own little world.
He smiled and nodded. “I'm fine! Just thinking of how crazy you are. We should get going.”
They had to stop at a liquor store on the way to Louis', which was only a couple of blocks away.
“Yeah! Guinness!” Niall whooped as he tugged Harry in to the cooler with the beer and other chilled alcohol.
“It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?” Harry teased.
Niall selected a small case of his favourite beverage. “It really doesn't.” He draped his arm around Harry's neck as they walked back out in to the main store. “As long as I've got my booze and my man, I'm good,” he chuckled.
Harry's cheeks went red. He briefly glanced at the other patrons in the store, though no one was paying them any attention. Niall was always so affectionate. The first time the irishman had grabbed Harry's hand in public, he'd almost had a heart attack. He was so used to hiding, that it had startled him. And every time since, he still found himself checking around to see if they were overtly offending anyone. As always, though, they weren't.
“Are we all set, then?” Harry asked, stepping towards the cash register.
“Well, wait, aren't you going to get anything?” Niall stopped him. “You like them fruity drinks -”
Harry quickly shook his head. “No, I don't think it's a good idea.”
“It's a party!” Niall grinned. “Let your hair down, get a little crazy.”
“Hey babe,” Harry drawled, bouncing up and draping himself over his boyfriend's lap. He had invited him to a party that was being held at one of his friends' uni halls. Louis was there, and they had become quite comfortable with the drink table over the course of the evening.
“Hey,” Adam replied flatly. None of his friends were there, of course, because it was mostly first and second years.
“Come on, let's dance!” Harry grinned, jumping up again and yanking the taller boy to his feet.
He held his ground. “I don't want to dance.”
“Aw, come on! It's really fun!” Harry whined. “I'm lonely.”
“Would you stop it?” Adam suddenly hissed, pulling Harry closer so no one would hear.
“What do you mean? What did I do?” Harry asked, shoulders sagging. “I'm just having a good time. I haven't been to one of these parties before.”
“Well you're acting ridiculous! You're drunk and making a fool of yourself with Louis.” The older boy frowned.”You always do this when you drink. It's juvenile.”
Like many times before, Harry's heart bottomed out in his stomach. He felt like he'd been slapped. “I don't understand...” He grabbed Adam's arm, though his grip was shrugged off.
“I'm leaving. You can sleep in your dorm tonight.”
“I'd really rather not,” Harry finally replied, pasting on a smile to appease Niall.
“Okay then.” The blond nodded, his eyebrows knitted sympathetically. “As long as you're sure.”
“I'm sure.”
It was Liam who answered the door with a wide smile and welcomed them in to the flat. When Harry had first met him, he'd thought he was a tough guy, but he was actually the sweetest, most genuine person Harry had ever met. Well, except for Niall. He was polite and responsible, no to mention tidy and punctual. He was everything Louis wasn't, but somehow they fit together seamlessly and had been dating for over half a year. Louis liked to tease that he was just with the taller boy for his body but Harry could see the way he looked at him whenever Liam wasn't paying attention. It was love.
“How are you, Harry?” Liam asked, pulling him in to a one-armed hug.
“I'm good! This is Ni-”
“NO!” They heard a screech, and suddenly Louis was skidding down the hallway towards them in his socked feet. “No one is allowed to meet Niall before I am!” He came to a stop and attached himself to Liam's side to keep from falling over.
“Sorry about that, Harry,” Liam apologized, squeezing Louis' shoulder affectionately. “Please continue.”
Harry nodded his head towards his boyfriend. “This is Niall.”
“Hello. Nice to meet ya.” Niall waved.
“I've got to say, you're cuter in person.” Louis gushed.
Beside him, Liam rolled his eyes. “What he means to say is that it's nice to meet you too, Niall. I'm Liam. Would you like to come put your beer in the fridge?”
Niall followed Liam after pressing a kiss to Harry's temple. The brunette was left with a bit of a lovesick smile on his face.
“So far so good!” Louis gave him a thumbs up. “I like him. And I love that accent.”
Zayn and his girlfriend Perrie were seated in the living room when Harry entered. She was thin and blond and beautiful. When Zayn first saw her outside of the fine arts building at uni, he'd been taken by her, and had drawn her a fair amount before finally speaking to her one day. She had a wonderful spirit, and was working on a music degree.
Harry loved to watch them interact, because Zayn was typically quiet and subdued, and Perrie could be a live wire when she was passionate about something. They complemented each other. His friends had done well for themselves, and Harry liked to think that perhaps he had as well.
Niall suddenly appeared, beer in hand, and settled on to the love seat next to him. Liam flopped down in to an overstuffed chair, and Louis somehow found a way to fit himself in it as well. Conversation came naturally to everyone in the room, and Harry sank back in to the cushions, content just to listen as he felt Niall's arm sneak around his shoulders.
Everyone gave a quick introduction so Niall could get to know them. Niall then told a bit about himself, how he worked at the movie theatre a couple of blocks over and how he was studying to be a sound engineer. Perrie latched on to that, quizzing him about all of the interesting things he was learning.
Upon hearing about Zayn's art degree, Niall eagerly took his offered phone, flipping through an album full of the Bradford boy's finished projects for class. That was one thing that Harry loved about Niall: no matter who he spoke with, he was always one hundred percent interested in them. He wanted to know them, and share their interests and discover what their passions were. After all, that was why Niall had asked him on a date in the first place; he had wanted to know everything about Harry, because asking him about his day while he handed him his popcorn at least once a week wasn't enough.
As Harry watched, his friends gradually welcomed Niall in to their circle.
“So how long did it take you to get yourself ready tonight, Harold?” Louis asked suddenly.
Harry looked over at him. “What do you mean?”
Before Louis could reply, Niall cut in. “When I got there, he was rushing around to get himself together.” Niall grinned at him. “Said he was running late.”
Louis looked at Harry for a moment, an eyebrow cocked. “Is that so?”
Harry nodded quickly. “You heard the man.”
“So what's with you telling little fibs to the new boyfriend?” Louis asked later when they were in the kitchen refilling the bowl of chips. “It never takes you less than a couple of hours to get yourself right these days.”
Harry sighed, leaning against the counter. “Why does it matter? It's not like it's an earth shattering thing. I just don't want him to think I'm crazy.”
Louis set down what he was doing and crossed the kitchen, coming to stand in front of him. “He won't think you're crazy. If you just tell him about -”
Harry shook his head vehemently, feeling the familiar hum of panic run through him. “I'm not telling him anything. It's in the past, and it's baggage that I don't want to bring with me.”
“He deserves to know.”
Harry grabbed their refilled snack bowl and headed towards the doorway to the living room. “Nobody wants damaged goods, Lou.”
After that things became a bit strained between Harry and his best friend. He could feel it in the air that the shorter boy was judging him. Louis also turned his drinking in to some sort of race, downing coolers like a champ to the point where Liam became a bit worried. Niall had a comfortable buzz on, enough to turn his cheeks a dark pink colour.
As soon as the conversation waned someone suggested FIFA, which led to Zayn, Liam, and Niall fighting it out with controllers.
“Boys and their video games,” Perrie murmured, playing with her blond hair. She paused as soon as she's said it and looked down at Harry and Louis who were seated at her feet. “Look who I'm saying that to! Sorry.”
Harry shrugged. “It's alright. I'm terrible at video games.”
“I'm amazing at FIFA,” Louis mused, swigging back more alcohol. “Though just not when I'm drinking. Makes me dizzy.” Perrie laughed. “But how would you like to see some embarrassing photos of us from first year?” He craned his neck, grinning at the pretty girl.
Harry groaned. “Not the photo album, Lou.”
“Why not? It's our history, Harry. Our legacy.”
Within minutes the two boys were curled up on the couch on either side of Perrie, a large album spread out on her lap. Louis had gone through a phase where digital photos just weren't enough for him anymore. For their entire first year he'd insisted on getting all of their photos printed. They'd initially decorated the boy's dorm room, though when the year was over they had migrated in to an album. Just like everything else, Louis eventually got bored and abandoned the project, leaving one sole book full of their shenanigans to look back on.
There were photos from parties they attended, and in every single one they looked terrible. Louis had what Harry called a 'drunk finger' that would magically point towards the ceiling as soon as a lens was turned on him. Louis also liked to draw genitalia on Harry's face, and it had been documented on several occasions.
There were also photos from shopping trips, as well as one of Louis all done up during the production of A Midsummer Night's Dream that he had taken part in. He'd gotten the role of Bottom and it had been the source of Harry's gay jokes for months.
As their year played out in pictures, there were a couple vacant sleeves, the photos long gone. There was also a distinct lack of Harry in a lot of the later photos, other friends and acquaintances taking his place.
“Where are you going?”
Harry jumped, spinning around as he tried to close the clasp on his watch to see Adam standing in the doorway of the bedroom. “I'm off to Louis'. He's having some people over.”
As soon as the semester had ended for Harry, he'd moved in to Adam's flat permanently. Things had been going great, though he missed his friends dearly.
Adam's face soured. “Oh.”
Harry knitted his eyebrows. “What is it? Is everything alright?”
“Well, I just had some plans, is all. You should have told me that you were busy.” The taller man turned and disappeared down the hall, Harry immediately scurrying after him.
“I had no idea! Did you text me? Maybe I didn't receive it.” He slid his phone out of his pocket, though there were no new messages.
“Well I didn't realize I had to schedule time with you, since you're my boyfriend.” Adam muttered. Harry could see the brooding face he had gotten so used to.
“I'm sorry, I just haven't seen my friends in a while. We were just going to let loose a little.”
“Well have fun, then,” Adam replied, though there were no well-wishes in his tone.
Harry paused, watching his boyfriend flop down on the couch and turn on the television. He bit his lip, staring at the black screen of his phone. He had never liked the feeling of having let someone down. There were plenty of people going to Louis' party, but Adam had just wanted to spend time with him. Before he could think any more, Harry fired off a quick text.
Sorry, Lou. Smthng came up. Won't make it tonight.
“Hey, babe, is it alright if we go?”
Harry glanced up at Niall, who was scratching his stomach and looking adorably tired.
“No!” Perrie cried, grabbing hold of Harry's arm. “Please stay just a little longer. I'm too comfortable.”
Harry smiled. “I would like to stay.”
“Yeah!” Liam chimed in from in front of the television. “Have another round, mate. The night isn't over yet.”
Niall shook his head. “No thanks, guys, I had a really early meeting with my prof this morning and I'm fading fast.”
Harry huffed. “Can't we just stay a bit longer?”
“Babe, please?” The blond whined. “I'm exhausted, let's go.”
Harry finally nodded and began to rise off of the couch, though as soon as he did Louis interjected. “Stay, Harry. Niall can go if he likes, but there's no reason that you have to.”
“What does that mean?” Niall frowned. “We came together, so we're going to leave together.”
“Louis, it's okay,” Harry said quietly, stepping over to Niall's side. Louis was quite drunk, and he tended to get a bit mouthy when he had too much.
“No, it's not okay!” Louis stood up as well, and the room became quiet, Liam and Zayn's conversation halted. “You can't just order him around like that.”
Harry could clearly see where the argument was headed, and he tried to put an end to it. “Louis, calm down -”
“There's nothing to calm down about! If you want to stay, then stay. You have free will to do whatever you please,” Louis' speech was a bit slurred.
Niall was completely confused at that point, looking between the two of them. “I think I'm missing something here.”
“No, you're not. Louis' just drunk -”
“I'm not drunk!” Louis shouted, bringing Liam to his feet. “I'm not going to sit here and have a repeat of Adam, Harry. It starts with something small like this and eventually we don't get to see you anymore.”
Harry held his breath, looking his friend in the eye as he blurted out the dirty laundry that Harry had been keeping so guarded. Zayn knew all about it, and Liam probably did too. But it was Niall that caused the trembling in Harry's limbs. “Louis, please don't do this,” he breathed.
“Is everything alright?” Liam stepped in to the circle, placing himself between Niall and Louis.
“I don't know!” Niall threw his hands up. “Who the fuck is Adam? All I want to do is go home.”
Harry pushed himself in to action. “Yeah, let's go.” He avoided Louis' eyes as he tugged Niall towards the door, sliding his shoes on. His heart was hurting, and tears were burning behind his eyes. There was also cold, hard dread pooling in his stomach, making him feel ill. It was a feeling he was familiar with.
Harry sat on the couch, the apartment around him cold and dark. He hadn't bothered to turn on the lights and see the empty spaces, and the thermostat was just too far away. He felt numb, like the wind had been taken from his sails, leaving him stranded in the middle of a deadly sea. He didn't know where to go, what to do...
'I've been sleeping with someone else.'
Harry had clutched his chest like he'd been stabbed.
'You're too young. I'm going to be a doctor. I need a family, not a college fling who doesn't know what he wants.'
It was silly, because all Harry had ever wanted was him. He'd changed for him, abandoned his friends for him... And so he'd pleaded for him to stay. He'd blurted out promises to be better, tried to make deals like he was signing away his own soul. He reached for him, though he was already out the door.
“So what was that, then?” Niall asked as they made it in to Harry's flat.
Harry was quiet for a moment. He slid his coat from his shoulders and hung it up, and stepped out of his shoes. Slowly, he made his way over to where Niall was stood in the middle of the living room. He leaned in and kissed him softly, hands going for the buttons on his plaid shirt. He didn't know what he was doing, but he had gone with the first thing that had come to mind.
“Mm, what are you doing?” Niall asked when Harry pulled away, lips instead going to his neck.
“I just want to be with you,” he whispered against his skin, reaching the last button and sliding his arms around Niall's bare torso.
“Babe, there are a couple of things we need to talk about,” Niall sighed, pushing at Harry's shoulders to try and separate them. “I'm not just going to sleep with you and forget about what happened tonight. Why are you suddenly so interested in sex?”
Harry took a deep breath. “Cause it might be the last time you want to be with me.”
Niall forced him away then, holding him at arms length and seeing the tears that had welled in his eyes.
“Harry,” Niall cooed. “What's wrong? You're scaring me.”
Harry cried silently, his shoulders shaking as he held in his sobs. Everything he'd felt ten months before came rushing back. The final days he'd spent holed up in his former apartment, unfed and unwashed, trying to determine what was wrong with him. The text messages he'd obsessively sent, begging and pleading for just one more chance to be what Adam had wanted him to be. “I don't... I don't know if I can tell you.”
Niall frowned. “Well then maybe you can tell me some other things; like why you never truly accept the compliments I give you, and why you always follow up with some self-deprecating comment and try to laugh it off.”
Harry shrugged out of Niall's touch and sank back on to the couch cushions, not meeting his eyes. Things were straying even further in to uncomfortable territory, and he knew there was no getting out of it besides walking out the door and he couldn't do that.
Niall continued. “Or how whenever I hold you or kiss you in public you look scared, mixed with a little bit of shock. And when we make love -” his voice dropped. “You act as if you've never been touched that way before. It's like you're surprised that anything could feel that good.” Niall sighed and sat down beside him, keeping enough space between them to breathe. “Who hurt you, Harry? Who made you this way?”
Harry looked in to Niall's eyes, and saw no judgement. He just saw his perfect boyfriend staring back at him, with hope in his eyes and too much love in his heart. He took a deep breath. “He was my first real relationship.”
Harry proceeded to relay the story of how he'd met Adam during his first weekend in London. He told of how taken he had been by the tall, handsome man. He was three years older than he was, and was aiming for medical school. Harry didn't really know what love was but he was swept along in to a bit of a whirlwind, feeling grown up and secure having someone who cared about him. Everyone said how good they looked together, and maybe Adam didn't tell any of his friends they were dating, or that he even fancied boys, but that was alright because everyone came out when they were good and ready and Harry would support him.
Niall listened intently beside him.
“We moved really quickly,” Harry mumbled. “But I was okay with it because I was just so lovesick. He was a man and I felt really proud. We always had to hide when we were out in public, but I was alright with that... at first. I kept telling myself that soon it would change.
“He didn't like it when I wore tight jeans, either. But they were just clothes, and he was more important than something silly like that.”
Harry told Niall how he'd started becoming so caught up in his appearance, eager to present himself the way that Adam had wanted him to.
“Babe, that's ridiculous!” Niall cut in. “How is that okay?”
Harry shrugged. “Because you do stupid things for love.”
He continued, telling Niall about the time Adam walked out on him at the uni party, embarrassing him and ultimately causing the downward spiral of his relationship with Louis. He'd started to feel ashamed of how he acted, and had stopped seeing his best friend as often, spending more time away from their dorm room.
As soon as Harry's first year was complete, he moved in with Adam permanently. He thought it would be easier, being away from uni halls and the rowdy university crowd. He'd focus on his relationship, get a summer job, and take things a bit more seriously.
Because of that, he stopped seeing his friends all-together. Louis had been furious, but after a while he'd stopped trying, and that had truly broken Harry's heart. He'd told himself it was for the best, though inside he wished that Louis would have continued to fight for him, that maybe things would have turned out differently. He didn't blame Lou, though, because he'd been a terrible person back then.
“I'm sure you weren't a terrible person,” Niall said softly. “You could never be a terrible person.”
Harry sighed. “You didn't know me back then. I pushed everyone away for a guy.”
“A guy that was controlling you.”
Harry ignored him and continued. “I had gotten a job doing shift work at a restaurant. It was fun and I was good at it, and my co-workers loved me,” he explained.
“Well of course they did,” Niall chimed in, attempting to lighten the mood.
Harry looked pained. “I lasted two weeks and then Adam said that he never got to see me anymore. I worked some evenings and he'd get grumpy... So I quit. He had a good job at the university that we could live off of. And so I stayed home. I was nineteen by then and acting as some sort of house wife. He'd come home and I'd be waiting for him.”
Niall stood up from the couch suddenly, beginning to pace the floor of the living room.
“I'm sorry,” Harry murmured, leaning his elbows on his knees and putting his face in his hands. “I don't know why I'm telling you all of this.”
“No,” Niall stopped. “No, I'm glad that you're telling me this. I want to know these things, the things that have affected you so much. I just want to punch this guy in the face, is all.”
Niall wasn't a violent person by nature, Harry knew. Even when Harry would poke him and prod him teasingly, or try and play fight, Niall would just wrap his arms around him and squeeze him tightly. It was an effective retaliation, but it just proved how much of a lover he was. The fact that he was resorting to violent thoughts about a man he didn't even know was a bit of a shock.
“Did he ever hurt you?” Niall asked, bringing Harry out of his thoughts.
“What?”
“It's a simple question,” the blond replied, folding his arms across his chest.
“Please come sit down,” Harry gestured to the couch, avoiding the question. “You're making me nervous.”
Niall reluctantly took up his spot beside him again. “Now yes or no. Did he ever touch you?”
“He never hit me, no,” Harry shook his head, cheeks getting hot.
“Did he ever force himself on you?”
Harry gasped. “Ni! I'm not talking about this.”
“So that's a yes, then?”
“No, I just...” Harry didn't know how to say it. There were nights when Harry wasn't feeling well, or times when he just had no interest. He explained to Niall that he was never an unwilling participant, but that sometimes he would have rather just gone to bed. Adam had been a bit of a selfish lover, Harry came to realize once he'd gotten together with Niall. He'd always just gone with it, wanting to please his boyfriend, though the actual sex was a bit mechanical. It was never romantic or passionate. It was an act, that brought them both to an end... sometimes.
“The first time me and you made love, though -” Harry's entire face burned. “It was a lot different. It was intense, and exciting and fun... You're just so enthusiastic.”
It was Niall's turn to blush. “Well it's something I like to do, so I'm really good at it.”
Harry actually laughed. “That you are.”
Harry then told Niall about the day that Adam's parents came to London, and about the moment in which Harry was introduced to them as a good friend and the resulting argument that had stemmed from it. Adam had stuck to his guns about not being ready and Harry had fired back with anything he could, so tired of continuously being a dirty little (gay) secret. They had been together for a year at that point, and during that year he had watched himself crumble under someone else's gaze.
“And that's when he told me he'd been sleeping with someone else. With a woman.”
Niall held his breath as Harry felt another onslaught of tears well in his eyes. “And then suddenly I was groveling on the floor, begging him to stay. I went from finally standing up for myself, to being reduced to a pleading mess. That was always how it went. As soon as I'd rise up even the slightest, he'd find a way to beat me back down until I was the one feeling guilty and apologetic. And he left and I was broken.”
Harry choked on a sob and Niall finally wiggled closer to him, wrapping him in his arms. “Let it out.”
“How am I even supposed to compare myself to a woman? How do I move on from that?” Harry cried. “He ruined me. He ruined who I was.” He fisted Niall's plaid shirt, which he noticed was still undone.
Niall pushed Harry away from him like he'd done earlier, holding him at arm's length. “Don't ever say that. You aren't ruined. You're stronger.”
They eventually moved to Harry's room, and though he was embarrassed, he was too exhausted to care as he shoved all of his discarded clothes from earlier that day off of the bed so they could lay down. Niall held him close as he got out any stray tears still left inside of him, and they fell asleep.
Harry was woken by the buzz of his intercom as grey light from an overcast day streamed through the blinds. He remained still as he felt Niall tense and wake up behind him. He heard a soft curse, and then felt Niall carefully extract himself from the blankets and tiptoe out of the room.
He must have dozed off again, because he was roused once more by soft murmuring coming from the living room. He quietly crawled out of bed and pulled on some jogging pants and a hooded sweatshirt with his uni coat of arms emblazoned on the front. He then cracked open the bedroom door a bit so he could hear better, realizing it was Louis' voice.
“So he told you everything, then?” His friend asked.
He heard Niall's heavy sigh. “Basically. I can't believe I had no idea.”
“He's really good at that; pretending that nothing is wrong. He has this way of coming off so casual, but these days it takes so much more effort for him to get to that point. He hasn't quite come in to himself yet, even though it's been almost a year.”
There was a moment of silence and Harry thought about joining them just as Niall began to speak again.
“What did you do? When you found out, I mean.”
It was Louis' turn to sigh. “I sort of heard through the grapevine what had happened. At that point I hadn't really spoken to Harry in months. When I found out, I was relieved, but I was also worried. I knew how invested Harry had been, and I immediately went to find him. What I found was a bit horrific.”
Harry grimaced at Louis' words. Surely he wasn't that bad.
“I think it was at that point that I realized how much abuse he'd taken. Even after the guy confessed to cheating on him, he was still trying to convince me that it was his fault for not being good enough.” Harry held his breath, bottom lip wedged between his teeth. Shame pooled in his belly.
Louis continued. “It's one thing, I think, for someone to physically put their hands on your best friend and leave the scars and the bruises. But it's entirely different when they so thoroughly break their spirit without ever laying a finger on them. It's something that you don't quite know what to do with, because the wounds aren't visible on the skin. How do you heal something you can't see?”
Harry had never heard those words from Louis' mouth. Louis had done plenty of comforting, and mending, but Harry had never bothered to ask how he'd felt about all that had happened. He'd taken charge, moved all of Harry's things in to the flat he'd shared with Zayn at the time, and had helped him search for a new place, and yet Harry had never bothered to find out if Louis himself was okay.
When the pause in the conversation lingered long enough, Harry took his chance and strolled out in to the living room, seeing Louis seated on the couch and Niall perched on the coffee table. He did his best to appear sleepy, and smiled when Niall's face lit up at the sight of him.
“Morning, babe!” The blond chirped, jumping up to greet him as Harry approached. “Louis brought us coffees!”
“That sounds good,” Harry accepted his, nodding at his friend on the couch. “What were you two talking about?” He looked at each of them as he took a sip.
“Football,” Niall replied, a little too quickly. He was a terrible liar, but Harry would humour him.
“Listen, Haz, I'm really sorry about last night.” Louis rose to his feet and approached the two of them. “I was a bit drunk, and I let you down. It wasn't my place.”
Harry shook his head. “It's okay, Lou.”
Louis smiled and hugged him tightly. They would probably still need to have a chat about boundaries, but in that moment, Harry was done talking about it.
“Liam's downstairs in the lobby, actually,” Louis said as he pulled away. “How about we all go out for breakfast? I don't know about you lot, but I need something nice and greasy in my stomach.”
“Mm, that sounds good,” Niall replied, never one to turn down food. He then turned to Harry. “Do you want to, babe? Do you need some time to get ready?”
Harry took a deep breath, thinking of how messy his hair probably looked, and how frumpy his joggers were – not to mention how puffy his face must look from crying most of the night. He then exhaled as he suddenly realized how little he really cared. “Actually, I was thinking I'd just go like this.” He gestured to himself. “Is that alright?”
Niall's grin was wide as he pulled Harry in to his side, planting a kiss on his temple. “Of course. You look absolutely beautiful.”