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Donna, clutching a blue shawl around herself, stood on the back deck, looking up at the stars. Searching for the man she loved, she said, “He came back to me once. He'll come back to me again.”
Al, standing next to her and also searching for the same man he loved up there, wrapped his arms around her. “You’re one hell of a woman, you know that?”
With Ziggy’s help, they found Sam’s star: Percles, forty-three lightyears away. “I love you, Sam,” Donna whispered to the star before turning to face Al.
“I know it’s not easy,” he said in a voice that was rougher than usual. “I miss him too.”
“It’s not the same, Al. You see him every leap. I have to stay forgotten.”
“He’s remembered you a few times. Sam once said he remembered you looking at him with so much love.” Al’s mouth twisted. “If only he could remember all the times I’ve looked at him like that!”
“You remember everything, don’t you?” Donna traced the vertical line on his cheek with one finger.
“It’s a curse and a blessing.” Al stepped away from Donna and stretched. “God, I’ve had a long day. Can we go back inside?”
Donna grabbed for his hand. “Wait. I want to know… what it’s like. To Leap.”
Al’s eyebrows contracted. “He didn’t tell you?”
“We were busy… with other things.”
Al shook his head, grimacing. “I don’t know how Sam can stand it, leaping for as long as he has. For me, it was so strange, standing in someone else’s body and dealing with their life. And don’t even get me started on whatever the hell was going on with our minds on that Leap.”
“Do you still have some of Sam’s mind in there?”
Al quickly backed away, his eyes going wide. “Look, it’s really been a long day. I should be going to bed. I don’t even know why I came out here, since Tina’s expecting me back any second now...”
“Then we can talk at my place instead. Come on, Al.” She smiled at him. “Why tell me I’m one hell of a woman then just leave?”
Most of the time, Al got along just fine with Donna. As a co-worker, her ideas on physics were invaluable. As a friend, someone who also missed Sam and understood him as thoroughly as he did, she was wonderful for whenever he missed Sam’s touch. But whenever she felt a little too lonely, she got clingy with him, making him uncomfortable. This was one of those times.
Well, this Leap had left him feeling out of sorts, not quite like himself. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go back to Tina until he had gotten a little time to fully sort himself out. Maybe by talking to Donna, he could quiet the bits of Sam buried in his brain.
“All right, let’s go talk a little, maybe discuss the Leap a little…” Al followed her back to the Project apartment she had once shared with Sam.
They walked down a hall that had a multicolored zigzag rug on the wooden-planked floor. A silver three-dimensional model of an atom floated above its magnetic platform on the living room mantle. Sam’s plain wood-and-glass kitchen was balanced out by the colorful Native American knick knacks Donna had put on various shelves. Al flicked at the atom, making it wobble and spin slightly before it returned to its usual place.
“Drink?”
“Just water, thanks.” Al walked over to the kitchen counter and leaned against it, loosening his tie.
“So. Leaping. What’s it like?” Donna handed him a glass of ice water.
“It’s getting harder to remember, tell you the truth.” Al frowned. “That’s something I need to discuss with Ziggy. The memories… why is there Swiss-cheesing on both ends?”
“Does Ziggy think magnafluxing is a side effect of Leaping?”
“She’s suspected for awhile, yes. We don’t know why. We’ve discussed this backwards and forwards and sideways. Something about time particles affecting the neurons and mesons? Something about the displacement and timing of memories?” Al gave a big shrug. “We just don’t know.”
“What do you think Sam would say if you asked him about magnafluxing and why it happened during Leaps?”
Al looked up as he thought, then his head tilted back down. “I think… Sam would say it’s GTFW. Whoever is leaping him swiss-cheesed his memories because they get in the way of leaping.”
Donna leaned against his left shoulder. “That’s terrible. You and I, we get in the way of leaping.”
“His love of us does, yes.” A dual set of memories popped up in Al’s head, making him wince. One half of the set had him wearing a white tailed coat and the other half had him in a black tux. The white half didn’t have Donna, but both halves had Sam in a very nice black suit. The set of memories was seen simultaneously, like a double-exposed photograph. Al put his arm around Donna’s shoulders. “Do you… remember any different?”
“Ziggy says in other timelines, I’m not here. I think you’re the only one who remembers everything, Al.”
“My curse. Speaking of curses, how can Sam stand to be such a prude?”
Donna’s laughter was warm against his neck.
“Seriously, I feel bad for Sam now. How is he missing out on all the beautiful women in this world?” Al joined her in laughing.
She leaned in closer. “Including me?”
Al froze. “Well, I do think you’re beautiful. Sam is very fortunate to be married to you.” He tried to dislodge his arm, but Donna grabbed his hand.
“Al. Please. Be with me. The man I’ve loved for a long time just left me for the man he loved.”
Al’s head turned to face her, then he leaned back slightly. Her face was too close. “Look. I’m sorry. But Sam is with you in this timeline, not with me. I shouldn’t get between you two.”
Donna’s grip on him was too tight to wiggle his way out of. God, this woman could be as tenacious as Sam! “What about that time, after Nicole? You didn’t object to sleeping with me then.”
“That was one time. You were upset and Ziggy thought a little revenge would be the best way to calm you down. But it worked, didn’t it? I’m telling you, I did my best with Sam on that leap. I tried to tell him-”
“Al. This wouldn't be revenge. I know you’ve tried to tell Sam not to sleep with other women, and I appreciate that. Truly.” Donna’s hands met at the back of his neck, and Al braced his hands against the counter as he leaned back further. “I’m sorry. I just want someone to hold me, be with me. I want someone who’s at least a little like Sam.”
“Yeah, the mind-merge. There is a little of Sam in me.” Al nodded. “I can hold you, but no more than that.”
Donna let go and went to the dark gray loveseat in the living room, with Al following. After he sat down, he again put an arm around her, and she curled up into his side. Then she spoke. “Why did he leap to begin with?”
“It was either realize his dream or lose his funding,” Al said. “Both of us know that. And if he hadn’t leaped, you wouldn’t be here.”
“And I wouldn’t be cozying up to my husband’s best friend. To be fair, he’s cozied up to plenty of women too. I understand he’s had to do what’s needed for the leap, but it still doesn’t make it right.”
“At least he hasn’t flirted with any other men.” Al couldn’t resist the smirk that crept onto his face. Then the smirk faded. “If he hadn’t leaped, you wouldn’t be here, worrying about him. I could instead be dealing with the ruins of a broken boy-genius whose dreams were crumbled thanks to a retrieval program he couldn’t get right, while you’d be bitter about your estranged father.”
“That is true. But he’ll be back someday, won’t he, Al? ...Al?”
Al was silent. Then he quickly rubbed at his eyes. “I’m sure that’s what my first wife told herself, right up til the day she had the Navy declare me dead.”
“Oh, Al.” Donna put her arms around him. “I’m sorry. What you must’ve gone through…”
“What we both went through,” Al corrected. “I understand what Sam’s going through as a Leaper, since I’ve been there. A prisoner of war isn’t too different from a Leaper, when you think about it. We’re both stuck in cages- I had my tiger cage while Sam has other people’s bodies. We’re both forced to obey insane masters.”
Donna looked up at him. “God, time, fate or whatever is insane?”
“Oh sure. Take a man away to do their bidding, bend the universe to their will? There’s craziness in what Sam’s doing, but he’s almost a saint for putting up with it this long.”
“Almost.” Donna put her head in Al’s lap.
“Don’t get any ideas,” Al warned. “I’m too tired, anyway.” He yawned, then slapped his cheeks, wincing. Then he looked down at Donna and smiled. “I know Sam isn’t an easy man to be married to.”
“Tell me about it. I fought him over adding that rug and those knick knacks. He didn’t want anything in his place to distract him!”
Al laughed. “You didn’t think to trade… favors for whatever you wanted?” His eyes narrowed into a leer on “favors.”
“Favors?” Donna squinted up at him.
“Once, in that timeline where Sam was married to me, I had this great collage from the sixties- cut-out squares of a galaxy rearranged. I picked it up in California, and I wanted to hang it in our place. Sam was iffy about the piece, but I… persuaded him into letting me hang it up.” Al grinned at the memory. “I got away with a lot of shit because I knew how to get what I wanted. I was able to get all of my wishes except having Sam come home.”
“Do you still have that collage?”
Al shook his head. “The chips fell just right in that timeline. Last I looked that piece up in this timeline, it was in some gallery somewhere. Will you be okay? Waiting for our Sam?”
Donna was quiet as Al stroked her hair. “I’ll find a way to accept that I’ll keep waiting. That’s what Sam would want me to do, right?”
“Penelope waited twenty years for her Odysseus, didn’t she?”
“I waited four. I think I can wait for at least four more.” Donna sat up and ran her hand through Al’s curls. “Thanks for not taking advantage of me. I need to get my head screwed back on straight.”
“It’s something I’m working on more those days. As for screwing your head back on… you know you can come to my office anytime Sam’s not on a Leap, right? We can catch up about Sam, maybe have a session with Ziggy where we try to unlock the secrets of the elusive retrieval program.”
Donna smiled. “I’d love that. You should be going. I’m sure Tina is worried about you.”
“Yeah.” Al got up and stretched. “I need to sleep for a week.”
“Need me to walk you back?”
Al stood up, took a few steps, staggered, then grimaced. “Yes, please. I need to make sure I won’t fall over, pass out in the hallway. God, I didn’t realize I was this tired.”
They walked out of the apartment and down the hallway, their arms around each other for support. At his apartment door, Al stopped and let go of Donna. Then he said to her, “I know Sam isn’t here. But the bits of him that are in me... they're saying that he loves you very much and that he’s hoping he’ll come home as soon as possible.”
“Thank you, Al.” Donna kissed him on the cheek and watched as he struggled with the lock, let himself in, then closed the door.