Chapter Text
it was a pastel blue morning.
tyler loved the color blue. it was a soft, safe, calming color. red was too harsh and chaotic for him. pink was too tooth-rottingly sugary sweet. purple was too rich and boastful, and green was too grounded. everything tyler was not.
but this morning was already a beautiful shade of blue, and the clouds were cotton candy dangling in the sky, puppeted by a smiling sun, the air crisp and warm and the grass wet with dew. it was a pleasant, quiet morning, and it was just what tyler needed.
he had just moved out of his shared apartment and back into his parents home, and he was really enjoying the solitary atmosphere he received in his quiet neighborhood in his quiet room with his quiet mind and absolutely zero noise to set him off. no annoying roommates who forgot his keys more often than not and couldn't decipher between the wrong and right days to bring girls back home. no yelling downstairs over video games and basketball games, no loosing sleep over loud music playing in the next room deep into the night. only satisfying, sole and peaceful silence.
and tyler loved it.
or, at least, he had convinced himself he did.
tyler grumbled under his breath as he shifted his weight on the bed, his hand holding down the folder full of fan letters on his lap from falling over off the side, the sheets wrinkling and tightening around his legs, which was particularly irritating due to the humid summer air.
his brain was throbbing now, and he groaned loudly, which didn't do much to help his case. it was another one of those morning. he knew it, and he could already foresee the rest of the day. it wasn't going to be one of his good ones, no matter how blue the sky was today.
"dude," he mumbled to himself. "slow down a little. it's too early for this."
he sighed, and leaned back his head and closed his eyes, trying to shut down his mind and allow himself to drift back to sleep.
abruptly, his eyes flew open to an aggressive knocking at the front door, and a voice yelling something from the outside. he winced at the abrupt loss of silence and at the returned pounding in the back of his head. he rolled off of his bed, trudging out the bedroom door, and padded down the stairs, careful to not trip on the glossy surface with his mis-matched socks.
the banging stopped briefly as he reached the main room, and he slowed down, hoping the "visitor" had left him alone. he was reminded of maddy and jay asleep upstairs, and hoped even harder that they hadn't been woken up by the racket. his prayers weren't answered; the knocking continued only seconds after and the voice rose up again.
he grumbled under his breath, finally reached the door unharmed and unbroken, and swung open the door, squinting at the person on the opposite side, who stared blankly back at him with his fist raised in the air and his mouth open in mid-yell.
tyler raised his brows at the blue-haired boy before him.
the boy closed his mouth, and his fist dropped to his side. he eyed tyler with a slight look of confusion, and his head cocked to the side.
"wait, who are you?" the boy spoke. tyler immediately took note of the small details in his voice, just from those four words. it was something hes been doing for a while, and it was becoming less of a hobby and more of a habit. the boy sounded exactly how you'd expect a dog to sound like, if dogs could speak. and if they had gauges and a nose ring. and blue hair.
anxious, cozy, safe.
tyler's brows drew together as he pointed to himself. "me? who am i?"
the boy held tyler's gaze. "yeah, uh, what are you doing here? in my house?"
tyler barked out a laugh. "im sorry, your house?"
the boy's gaze didn't waver.
"this is uh, this is my house? i live here?" tyler continued.
this time the boy's eyebrows drew together, and this time he looked purely confused.
"wait, you- what?"
he backed up a couple of steps and looked out down the street, towards the house to the right of tyler's. his eyes lit up with recognition, and then turning back to tyler, quickly filled with apology.
"ohhhh, oh shoot, i'm sorry man, i didn't check the houses, sorry for all the noise and banging and stuff usually my grandma is here when i come home and i have this part time job i have to leave for in a little bit and im supposed to make sure everything's okay and settled at home before i go and she'd never hear me if i didn't and i thought-"
tyler cut him off. "dude, it's fine, really." tyler wanted to be annoyed with him, and maybe usually he would be, but he couldn't bring himself to feel anything hostile towards this boy.
the boy shot tyler a small smile. tyler examined every millisecond of movement, from the way the corner of his lips didn't rise evenly, and the tiny flash of teeth that pepped through. when tyler had finally caved in and told trudy about his over-observant tendencies, the therapist asked him if he could relay exactly why he thinks this is so necessary. tyler knew she wasn't necessarily trying to be prying and rude, but he had gotten annoyed either way, and refused to speak for the rest of the session. but maybe that was just because he didn't know how to answer her question.
thinking bout trudy made tyler's mood plummet even more, and he could feel himself getting irrationally aggravated.
"so i guess you'll be on your way," he muttered to the boy's feet.
"oh, uh, yeah, i guess i will," the boy muttered back. but a few heartbeats have passed by and the boy's feet have still not moved, and tyler's eyes lifted to his face, catching the boy staring at him with intrigue.
their eyes met, but the blue boy wasn't looking away.
tyler lips twitched. "look dude, you show up at my house banging and screaming on the front door at 4 in the morning, excuse it on your half deaf grandma who apparently lives next door, and now you're staring me down like you're trying to figure out what half of my face looks more appetizing. wouldn't that be a little concerning to you?"
the blue boy's face cracked with a wide grin, and laughed. loud, confident, genuine.
"you're completely right, i wouldn't blame you for calling the police on me now, who knows what i'm really here for? some strange dude comes up to your home all decked out in piercings and colored hair, i'd be pretty concerned as well."
tyler pulled out his phone, biting down a smile. "i've got 911 on speed dial, man, don't try anything with me this morning."
the boy smiled at him again, except this time it was much toothier. tyler took note of how his lower lids puffed up around his almost nonexistent eyes, and the double dimples his smile folded his face into.
tyler concluded that he would probably be alright with this man banging at his door at 4 in the morning any day of the week.
the blue haired boy had composed himself, and was already beginning to back away.
"sorry again for the banging and everything, and the uh, the staring thing too. i promise im no pervert or anything, your eyes just looked like so nice in the sunlight, i couldn't help myself." he grinned once more, teeth and double dimples and all, before he turned and crossed his way over from tyler's house to his own. tyler watched his retreating back, before stepping back inside and shutting the door gently.
tyler leaned his back against it, and breathed out slowly.
blue, echoed in his mind, drowning behind his eyes. blue. beautiful, soft, safe blue.
there was something about the boys smile and the blue blue blue hair that sort of made tyler want to call him back. plus, its been a while since hes seen a fresh face. no matter how much he tried to mask it, he missed having company. he didn't mind moving back in with his family, but the wounds of chris and nick's departure from the band they had formed together was still pretty fresh. he didn't take it personally, of course, and all the fan letters that still poured in day by day would always lift his spirits a bit, but it didn't rid him of that lurking shadow of failure that followed him wherever he went.
tyler's stomach knotted, and he shook his head. "too early, man." he muttered. "too early."
tyler kept his grip firm on the staircase once more, careful to not trip and fall, as he headed his way back up the stairs to his bedroom.
kelly watched her son closely as he stared down at his dinner.
"tyler, sweetie," his mother spoke up suddenly, interrupting the animated discussion on basketball the other three joseph boys were holding. tyler looked up at her.
"how was your day? did you do anything interesting, come up with something new maybe?"
tyler tried to hold back a sour face, but his mother caught it anyways. they both knew what she meant by "something new" and they both also knew that she really shouldn't have brought it up so soon.
she had opened her mouth to take her words back, but he tyler beat her to it. "today was okay, it was pretty warm out which was, uh, nice. i went out for a bit, played a little ball," he lied easily. he purposefully ignored the last part of her question.
she smiled softly. "i'm glad to hear that, hun."
he ignored her. he didn't exactly mean to be rude, but his mind had only been pointlessly wandering before she had asked him about a "something new," but now it was all that was swarming in his head.
what was he to do now, anyways? his dream was basically in a pile at his feet. he tried writing, every day, more than he liked admitting. he tried to piece himself back together with words and syllables, he tried to build his dream back up in his brain with chords and scales and poetry but it wasn't working. he was trying so hard to hide behind an illusion that things were still okay. because he knew, deep in the very back of his head, that they really weren't. he had dropped out of college for this. he had to face the look of disappointment in his mother's eyes, that look of doubt in his fathers. he had built up and sacrificed so much for his, and it all just crumbled in his fingers so quickly.
tyler's breathing was speeding up, and his hands balled up in his lap. he knew he would feel the pain of his finger nails digging into his skin later.
conversation at the table has quieted by now. tyler could tell his family had their entire attention trained on him. this aggravated him even farther, and he got up abruptly, his chair scraping violently against the dining room floor.
"may i be excused?" he requested through gritted teeth. he didn't even know who the question was directed to, but it was his father that answered, "tyler, son, are you alri-"
"can i just- can i go? please?" his hands were shaking at his side, and his legs were loosing balance beneath him. he squeezed his eyes shut. he hoped he wouldn't cry. not here, not in front of them.
a few heartbeats had gone by, and tyler didn't wait for an okay any longer. he turned on his heel, and stumbled out of the room.
his sheets were cool against his cheek as he carefully lowered his shaking body onto his bed. he closed his eyes, willing himself to stop thinking so much, but the darkness did nothing but haunt him even further and a scorching heat rose behind his eyelids and god he's never felt so alone.
he willed his body upright, rubbing at the heaviness in his head. he glanced warily at the small corner of his shared room where a little trash bin sat, brimmed with crumpled up sheets of paper, a few scattered on the grounds surrounding it.
he didn't even realize that his legs had began making its way over to the trash bin until he was picking up a pen from a near desk and reaching into the bin to steal a crumpled paper from it.
he sat, crossing his legs beneath him, and carefully unfolded his choice paper. he could just barely make out the words scribbled onto it.
he uncapped his pen, and retraced the words:
am i the only one i know?
he stared hard at the words. he wasn't aware of how heavily his chest was heaving in and out.
he stared at the words until they burned violently into his brain, until he could close his eyes and see them speaking for him, behind his face and above his throat.
he hummed out loud, the sound vibrating awkwardly in his lungs. he found himself back on his bed, reaching under his pillow for his journal, scribbling, "shadows will scream that i'm alone."
he took in a deep, shaky breath. "but i-"
he was interrupted by the bedroom door swinging open. his brother's face appeared in the light. tyler's heart jumped, and he quickly shoved the notebook back under his pillow.
"tyler?" zack spoke hesitantly.
tyler didn't look up to meet his eyes. he wanted to feel bad, but he wasn't exactly feeling anything anymore. emotions were so exhausting, anyways.
"what do you want," he mumbled.
"dad, uh, dad wanted to know if you wanted to go out, maybe run some errands to clear your head? maybe?"
tyler finally glanced up to meet his younger brother's eyes. sad, concerned, piteous. he sighed heavily, and rubbed at his lids, pushing himself to his full height, carefully securing the scrap paper into his front pocket. he was so, so tired of that look. and it seems that it's thrown at him everywhere he goes, now.
"yeah, sure. tell them i'll be back in an hour or so."
zack nodded, stepping back as tyler brushed past him. tyler could feel his gaze on his back, even after he turned the corner, ventured down the stairs, and went out the front door.
sad, concerned, piteous.
so, so tired.
josh leaned forward on the counter-top with his phone in his hand, thumb swiping lazily across the screen as he gave half of his attention to the game he was playing. he didn't even look up when the bells above the gas station door rang, signalling the entrance of a costumer. or the entrance of a something, at least. he really couldn't care any less at this point, though.
whoever had just entered apparently had not noticed him either, and shuffled their way over to the aisles to find what they came into the station for. josh sighed as his phone buzzed, signalling that he had lost his game. he set it down, after glancing at the time. 10:52.
he resorted to examining the current costumers to pass the time. there was a man over by the fridges, pulling out a carton of milk. josh guessed he looked a bit like he was somewhere in his early forties. he had the worn out slumped shoulders of a man with kids in their elementary years.
josh glanced around some more, and caught sight of a younger woman, this one looking around her late twenties. he smiled. she was standing by the candy isle, and he could emphasize with the torn look on her face.
finally his gaze sought out one more remaining person, a boy who looked to actually be around josh's age. twenty two, twenty three, twenty four maybe? he was cradling a jar of milk, a few bottles of red bull, and some packs of microwavable burritos. he had mousy brown hair peaking out from a cap, covered by a hoodie. josh couldn't make out anything more about him, which he was fairly determined to, since he felt that he had done a pretty good job with the other two.
he hadn't realized he'd been staring, though, until suddenly brown eyes met his. his mouth parted slightly, as something washed over his face. josh guessed it was something similar to confused recognition, because he was sure it was scribbled all his face as well.
he wasn't given enough time to dwell on this any longer, when the first middle aged man coughed loudly to grab his attention. josh jumped, mumbling an apology, quickly scanning his items. when he glanced back up to find the mousy haired man again, he wasn't anywhere to be seen.
josh sighed again, tending to the woman from earlier, who, apparently, had decided to generously let herself a few chocolate bars.
he gave up searching for the mousy haired man after a while, and went back to passing the time on his phone. he hadn't heard the shuffling footsteps approaching the counter-top until he was met with those same intense brown eyes from before. even in the dim, crappy light of the station, the man still looked as intimidatingly attractive as he did when they first met.
the man's eyes flickered up to the small tufts of blue hair peeking out from under his beanie, before setting his items on the counter.
"it's you again." he spoke. josh's stomach did a little flip.
"it's me again," josh returned weakly, pulling the items from him.
"didn't know you worked here," he continued. josh paused, his eyes rising to meet his, willing himself not to flush when he found him already steadily gazing at him, unashamedly. "i come here all the time, and never one saw you before," he stated. he was evidently pretty blunt something josh hadn't noticed the other day. josh decided he liked this about him already.
"oh, yeah, uh, i'm uh, i'm new here?" he hesitated, quickly mowing over in his whether or not it'd be weird to give him a bit of a backstory with it. he decided it wouldn't hurt anybody. "i used to play the drums for this band as a sorta, like, living i guess. but they never really payed that much attention to me, because i was the, you know, like the drummer. so i quit," he rushed, wishing that he had actually decided to work around this. he didn't like the piteous looks he always got when he relayed the story.
"so yeah, uhm. i got this job here to fill in for it."
something in the man's face shifted a bit, but it passed so quickly josh couldn't be sure he even saw it at all.
it wasn't pity, though. josh knew that much, and he liked him even more for it.
"kinda in a similar situation right now, actually." he chuckled quietly. josh exhaled. his laugh sounded like music.
he hadn't elaborated any further, so josh took his cue and began sorting the mans items and scanning their prices into the machine.
it took josh a few moments to realize that music was sounding softly out into the quiet of the store. he looked up to see if maybe the man had put in ear buds with the volume a little too loud. that happened to josh sometimes.
but no, the man was actually humming. it was a soft melody, almost like a lullaby. josh had stopped scanning his items. it was a beautiful sound, and he wanted to ask the mousy-haired man about it but at the same time he didn't ever want the humming to stop.
the man abruptly looked back up, kicking josh out of his brain. he mumbled an apology, and tapped at a little screen on the backside of his side of the screen that showed the man what he would be paying. the humming had stopped.
the man reached behind him, patting the back pockets of his jeans for something that he evidently did not find, as he brought his hands back up empty.
"shoot," he muttered under her breath. he looked back up at josh, wearily.
"i left my wallet in my car, could you give me a second while i go grab it?"
josh waved him off. "yeah man, go ahead."
josh watched his every step as he quickly stepped outside, seeing the lights of a car flash on as the man was retrieving what he needed. he was on his phone when the mousy-haired man reappeared before him.
"here we go," the man placed a few bills into his hands. josh hoped he looked completely unfazed by their hands grazing.
josh bagged his groceries, pushing them back over to him.
"well, that's that, then." josh murmured, staring anywhere but the mans face.
"guess so," he had replied. he wasn't moving, though.
"hey, uh," josh spoke up after a few heartbeats of silence. "that, uh, you were singing- humming? this little, um, melody sorta thing and it sounded really cool, i liked it a lot and i'd uh, i wanted to know where that came from?"
the mousy-haired man chuckled again, and josh's heart back flipped in his chest. he found himself dumbly grinning back; the man's laugh was so contagious.
"oh that? man, i don't even know yet," he replied, his eyes glinting with something josh couldn't place a finger on. "the song has been in the back of my mind for the longest time now. i've been working on putting words to the mess of music in my head."
"are you-?"
"a musician? a writer?" the man interrupted, his smile softening. "yeah, i make music for a living. just barely."
josh chose not to pry into the last bit. "that's sick, man." he continued, more hesitantly, "would you show me some of your stuff one day?"
the man's back was against the door now, and he grinned real big at josh. "i mean, you know where to find me, man."
josh flushed, and he laughed nervously, rubbing at his arms. goosebumps were rising on his skin, and not because it was cold.
"yeah," he mumbled, praying his face didn't look too red.
"it's tyler, by the way," the man spoke back up. josh's head snapped up.
"huh?"
"tyler." the man smirked softly. "my name. i'm tyler."
josh's mouth parted slightly. tyler. he breathed softly tyler tyler tyler-
he could hear the man chuckling. "yeah, that's me."
josh's heart dropped when he realized tyler had heard him, and he could feel the blood rushing up to his neck.
"i'm uh, i'm josh," he responded quickly, kicking himself under the counter.
tyler dipped a nod at him, a smile in his eyes as he turned to push the door open.
"i'll see you around, josh," he said, before turning, and disappearing out the door.
josh sunk into the counter top, burying his head in his arms. he became aware of how fast his heart was beating. he looked up at the sound of a car pulling out of parking. he watched the headlights disappear as tyler distanced from the station.
josh gathered himself back up, as another costumer entered.